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Blind Fury	By : HollowedRose Category: > Durarara!! (?????!! Dyurarara!!) Views: 6534 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara!! and its characters. They belong to Ryohgo Narita. I'm not making any profit from this.

Chapter List
- 18
- 19
- 20
Chapter 19 - A Beautiful Lie
Shizuo had always been able to handle pain ― or at least that's what he used to think ― but pain comes in many forms, and while he could easily manage the physical aspect of it ― because he was a monster after all ― the pain he felt while holding Kasuka's damaged body to his chest was a sort of agony that he had never felt before. Izaya's cruel words had repeatedly stabbed his heart as though they were hot sharp knives meant to bleed him dry, but then he saw Kasuka in Celty's arms, hid body covered in bruises, and that's when the remainder of his heart got obliterated. All he could feel now was a black hole where the organ used to reside, an endless darkness in which he was rapidly drowning.
His fingers clutched onto the unconscious form tighter, as though he was afraid that he would lose more of Kasuka than he already had. Kasuka was kind, fragile, his complete opposite, and someone like that didn't deserve to go through something so horrible as to what Shizuo himself had put Izaya through. He could still clearly hear him scream in pain as Slon broke his wrist, a foreign sound that he couldn't remember ever hearing before. His little brother never cried, never complained, and had never been scared before, not even when he should've been fearful of all the things his older brother could end up doing to him in a fit of blind rage. Kasuka had trusted him even when Shizuo didn't trust himself.
"Aren't you scared of me?" he remembered asking him one scorching summer day when they were leaning against a fence while eating some icecream. The first time he lost himself to his rage had been when Kasuka ate his pudding, and because of that he always had this terrifying thought that next time when he got angry he would really end up hurting him.
What if next time there are no more broken bones to stop me from throwing something at him, was the question that always plagued his young mind. What then, and that thought used to scare him more than anything in the world.
And he also remembered Kasuka turning his head towards him ― a tiny smile that most people wouldn't even be able to notice gracing those lips smeared with the vanilla icecream his little brother seemed to enjoy so much ― and answering with an indifferent, "No," in the most monotone voice that Shizuo had ever heard before continuing with a question of his own, "Why do you always ask me the same question?"
Because you should be, and yet he couldn't bring himself to say it. Instead he only shrugged and went back to eating his own icecream, Kasuka only staring at him with those half-closed eyes of his for a few more seconds before doing the same.
You never thought you could get hurt, huh, but look at you now. He absently ran his hand down the surely bruised back. It hurt a lot, didn't it? Of course it did. He could still remember Izaya spasming around him, the body underneath him trembling in both excruciating pain and unadulterated terror. Did you cry and beg him to stop, or did you fight with everything you had to keep quiet, just like Izaya did? The flea had never asked him to stop once as Shizuo kept thrusting harder and faster into him with the sole intent of damaging him beyond repair, the little pained whimpers slipping past those bloody lips being the only reward he got for his efforts in trying to ruin the man. Izaya had only complained about his stabbed leg, and only now did Shizuo realize how strong the flea had remained throughout the events of that dreadful night. He almost wished that Izaya had cried and begged him to stop, because then perhaps he wouldn't have hurt him as much.
I hope you begged, little brother, because if Slon was anything like him, the man would have also wanted to hear his victim scream, and nothing would've stopped him from accomplishing his goal. Slon was big, much bigger than Shizuo in every way, and even though the man didn't possess the same strength, it was enough to hurt Kasuka just as much as he had hurt Izaya. He felt his stomach churn at the thought of how that monster had ripped Kasuka apart, how he must've enjoyed it, just like how I enjoyed breaking Izaya, and the agony and disgust his precious little brother had surely felt as Slon kept forcing himself into his unwilling body. Izaya must've felt the same way...
His hand stilled for a moment, a waft of both Kasuka and Izaya's smell filling his nostrils. The flea knew exactly what he was doing, dressing Kasuka in his clothes and forcing him to remember all the pain and suffering he caused him that night in the alley. He could never forget the flea's smell, something sharp and dangerous, something Izaya. Kasuka on the other hand smelled sweet. You must've eaten pudding again, and he almost smiled at that thought, but then his expression turned grim when he remembered Kasuka's split lip and the coppery, nauseating smell of Izaya's blood. His stomach turned upside down. So much blood... Not at all surprising, considering he tore into the much smaller body like a beast. Once disarmed, Izaya hadn't stood a change, and it was ironic that although he hated violence, all he seemed to be capable of doing was exactly that.
Kasuka fought well too, much better than Shizuo ever expected, but that still hadn't been enough. Did you think of me while you went through that hell? Did you pray I would show up and save you, or did you hate me for being the cause of it all? I think it was the second, wasn't it? You cursed me, I am sure, you must've wished I had never been born, he thought, and with that another piece of him disappeared into the black abyss that used to be his heart. Perhaps that was the only reason why he wasn't bringing down the whole apartment building in a fit of blind fury, because underneath the deceptive calm, despair was all he felt. It was the sort of despair that rooted him to the spot, making him unable to react in any way besides clinging to Kasuka's unconscious form, too afraid to let go for even a moment. He remembered Kasuka's words,"I'll always be on your side," but surely that was no longer the case. How could you ever be on my side again after paying the price for my mista―
Huh?
A ripple, something disturbing the almost perpetual darkness in his mind. What―
"Shizuo?"
"Shin― ra?" he spoke softly, voice breaking. "Kasu―" he tried, but he couldn't even say his little brother's name, not when the guilt was squeezing the life out of him. He didn't even have the right to touch him anymore, yet he couldn't let go, his fingers holding even tighter onto the figure clad in Izaya's fur-trimmed coat. "Ka―" he tried again, but this time that one syllable was followed by a heartwrenching sob.
"I need you to let go so that I can have a look at him," said Shinra, wincing a bit when Shizuo only gripped Kasuka tighter. The idiot is going to crush him. "I'm not going to hurt him," he said, but Shizuo only gave him a tormented look before resting his cheek on top of Kasuka's head, strong fingers now running through silky black locks with a tenderness that shouldn't have belonged to the same person who left all those injuries on Izaya's body. The contrast was uncanny to say the least.
Shizuo knew that Shinra hated him because of what he had done to Izaya, and that was exactly why he couldn't allow the doctor to touch Kasuka, but then he felt a gentle hand touch his shoulder, so he raised tearful eyes and saw Celty's PDA hovering in front of his face.
[ Shizuo, please let us help him! ]
Celty didn't know what he had done, but Shizuo was certain that she too would abandon him if she ever found out. Of course she would, he was a monster after all, a much bigger monster than she could ever be. And I'm supposed to be human...
[ Shinra is only going to have a look at the broken wrist. ]
Shizuo still wasn't convinced though. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "I don't..." and he looked at Shinra through eyes blurred by tears. "I don't trust him."
Shinra merely shrugged, not at all offended by the remark. "You never trusted me to begin with."
[ Even if you don't trust Shinra, you know you can trust me, ] Celty tried again.
Shizuo removed his hand from Kasuka's hair.
[ If he tries anything funny, I'm going to kill him myself. ]
"You know, I can always just leave," said Shinra and took a step towards the door.
Shizuo grabbed his wrist. "Wait! Just... just wait, ok?" He realized his mistake though and released the man, not before cringing when a disgusted glare was thrown his way. Right. "Give me a second," he said before forcing himself to let go of Kasuka. "Be careful," he said and waited until Celty nodded before he unclenched the fingers holding onto the fur-trimmed coat and allowed the two of them to carry Kasuka to the couch. He would've done it himself, but he didn't even have the confidence to walk, let alone carry someone. He held his breath while they set Kasuka down, and then finally breathed in relief when they were done moving him. He couldn't remember the simple act of walking ever being such a hard thing to accomplish, but the desperate need to be closer to Kasuka pushed his body forward, those few unsteady steps towards him feeling like the longest distance he ever had to cross.
"This needs a cast," Shinra said once he freed Kasuka's arm from the confines of the coat and took a look at the swollen wrist. He could've taken Izaya's coat off completely, but for some sadistic reason he decided against it. Seeing your brother like this must hurt a lot... good! Shizuo had no idea how hard it had been on Izaya, how hard it still was. Shinra had witnessed some of it, and even that was more than he had ever wanted to see or know. He could still clearly remember the day when Izaya showed up at his doorstep after the altercation with the Awakusu-kai, those sunken cheeks and hollow eyes scaring him more than the broken rib ever could. Izaya hadn't been as lucky as Kasuka though, no one had saved him, and he also remembered his voice dripping venom as he said, "It's easy for you to judge when you weren't the one who got fucked into the ground by that beast." He finally understood, a bit, because just being in the same room with him ― and knowing what Shizuo had done ― made his skin crawl. I really don't want to be here, he thought and then sighed before he turned towards Shizuo. "I can't do anything about it here, but I can wrap it up tightly with bandages until he wakes up and goes to a hospital."
Shizuo nodded weakly. "Do whatever you can."
"I always do," he chirped before his voice took a more serious tone while he glared at Shizuo. "I patched up an almost dying Izaya, so Kasuka won't be a problem."
Shizuo cringed and turned away from the scrutinizing look, feeling completely ashamed for what he had done. I know that already! I know what I did to Izaya, and to you, so please, please stop looking at me like that!
Shinra sneered before he turned his attention back to Kasuka and proceeded to wrap the broken wrist. "What are you going to do about this, about Kasuka?" he asked, because he had a feeling that the idiot would go after Izaya.
Shizuo's whole body shook with rage. "Kill," he answered, eyes burning with hate, finally understanding who was the person responsible for everything.
Shinra's head snapped in his direction. "Don't you dare," he warned, hands balled into fists.
"KILL," Shizuo repeated as he took out Izaya's switchblade from the pocket of his pants, the same one he snatched from the flea that night in the alley, and the same one he plunged with sadistic pleasure into that pale, quivering thigh. He always kept it with him as a reminder of what kind of a monster he was, just in case he ever dared to forget.
Shinra jumped to his feet, glaring murder at the beast before him. "If you touch Izaya again, I'm going to kill you myself!"
Shizuo ignored him, deaf and blind to everything around him. I'm going to kill the one who caused of all this! He remembered his own words from that time when he ran into Izaya at Shinra's apartment, "all your fault, everything is your fucking fault!" Hah, what a joke! He raised the switchblade and looked at Shinra with a crazed expression on his face. "The one who's responsible for everything ― I'm going to fucking kill him!" he growled before put his other hand on the switchblade's handle and aimed it with all the speed and strength he could muster into the black hole that used to be his heart, because the one who was responsible for everything was none other than himself. "Die!!!" he snarled, but the blade was stopped before it reached its target, black smoke successfully binding his arms and body. He ignored it though, his mind set on only one thing, KillkillkillkillKILLKILLKILL, and he kept pushing it in, the tip of the switchblade slowly sinking into his flesh, blood starting to trickle down the grey t-shirt he was wearing.
Celty panicked once she realizing that her power was not enough to stop him, so she grabbed his wrists with her hands and tried to pull them away, desperately wishing that she had her head so that she could talk him out of it. She tilted her helmet towards Shinra, hoping that he would understand and somehow help her, because she didn't want Shizuo to die. PLEASE DO SOMETHING!
Shinra was frozen on the spot, too shocked about what he was seeing to react in any way, but then he saw Celty ask for help and he forced his numb body to move. He grabbed the man's wrists and tried to pull away his hands, watching in horror as the blade kept sinking in deeper and deeper despite their combined efforts. The man truly was a monster. "SHIZUO! SHIZUO!!" he shouted, but there was no reaction from his former friend. He couldn't let the bastard die, he wouldn't let him break Celty's heart. "YOU COWARD! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO KILL YOURSELF?" he snarled, and he knew that Shizuo was faltering in his actions because he could finally see the bloody tip of the switchblade just above the tainted and sliced t-shirt.
Shizuo looked at both of them, eyes filled with confusion, as though such a thought had never even crossed his mind. "I'm not― That's not what I'm trying to do!" he said, voice cracking. He remembered Izaya's words, "all of it is on you, beast!" and for once he was in agreement with the flea, so he was merely trying to kill the one responsible for everything.
"You can't run away from this! You don't have the right!" Shinra continued, finding it really hard to speak while putting all of his strength into stopping Shizuo from ending his pathetic existence. That and the whole thing was disturbing him in a way that he couldn't describe, and he didn't know exactly how it made him feel, but happy was not it.
"He needs to die!" Shizuo whined pathetically. "All of it is Heiwajima Shizuo's fault! NO― ALL OF IT IS MY FAULT!" he snarled in contempt. It had never been the flea's fault, because all of it was on him, just as Izaya said back then at Shinra's apartment. It had been much easier to blame his victim for the mistakes he committed instead of admitting his guilt, and that's why he'd been in denial ever since it happened, but not anymore, because now he saw it for what it was: a beautiful lie, nothing more, just a lie that he kept telling himself because he was too much of a cowards to handle the consequences of his actions.
"Please stop, you're upsetting Celty!" Shinra tried, hoping that he would wake him up from his madness enough to realize what he was doing to his friend. If Shizuo really succeeded in killing himself, Celty would forever blame herself for failing to stop him, and that's why he couldn't let that happen. "You have to keep living so that the two of them may one day forgive you." Oh wait, nothing happened to Kasuka. "Besides, nothing happen―"
"NII-SAN!!!" they all heard Kasuka scream and snapped their heads in his direction, only to see him trying to get up, and then failing and falling back on the couch. "What are you trying to do, nii-san?" he continued, scared out of his mind after witnessing his brother trying to kill himself and not getting any answer from the three frozen people that were inside the apartment with him.
Shizuo's strength instantly vanished, both his arms getting pulled away the next second, the switchblade falling from his hands. Nononono, why did you have to wake up now? Please don't move... please just stay there... you must be in so much pain... His eyes filled with tears again and he collapsed on his knees once he was released, hands gripping his dyed locks in despair. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Sorry! Sorry! SORRY! SORRY!"
Shinra immediately kicked the blade away from sight and helped Kasuka to get up before grabbing Celty's arm and pulling her out of the apartment, knowing that it was best to leave the two brothers alone.
Kasuka walked on unsteady legs towards the trembling form of his brother, the sight tearing his heart apart. He raised his left hand and tried to run his fingers though the blond locks, but Shizuo recoiled from the touch as though he'd been burned. What― happened?
- 18
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Blind Fury