Last Breath

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pairing : Not exactly yaoi, but I guess it would be Saga x Kanon (might end up evolving into yaoi in the next chapters).
Rating : R (for mature content and utter angst)
Warnings : Death fic (Maybe! Not sure yet.)
Disclaimer : I do not own Saint Seiya.
Saint Seiya is (C) of Masami Kurumada, Toei, Shueisha, Akita Shoten and quite probably some more people.
No copyright infringement or disrespect intended here. This is a work of fanfiction, done completely for fun. No profit is taken out of it.
Kanon fans, please don\'t kill me, I\'m a huge Kanon fan myself. I\'m sorry that he suffers so much in this fic. ^^;;

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Right when Kanon’s inner turmoil was reaching a peak of despair, the door suddenly flew open and he found himself facing his mirror image. Only the mirror didn’t have the same tired eyes reddened by tears, nor the tangled and darkened hair soiled by dust and sweat, or the lividity of the illness. The mirror image was perfect, and stared at him with a mix of awe and incomprehension, as if stricken by the surprise.

Saga.

And against all odds, Kanon suddenly answered his unspoken question, with a voice so calm that he felt like he was floating in the eye of a storm, and speaking in a dream through his daze :

“I came to see you…”

“Come in.” – the eyes of the mirror image softened, and he gently touched Kanon’s elbow, ushering him inside.


Maybe it was okay to die in peace, after all.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The two brothers stood facing each other in the hall of the private aisle of the Gemini House.

Anything that would happen now, as quick as it might be in reality would seem like an eternity, for time seemed to have suspended its flow in the Gemini House.

Finding himself inside the temple and with the door behind him finally closed, Kanon didn’t know how to react. His apparent calm from a moment ago was wearing off, and he never felt so vulnerable in his life. Any word from Saga now would either utterly destroy him or give him the strength to try to keep fighting.
Only that instant mattered, and he felt as if everything had stopped around them, even though the pain and the fear were ever-present. What Saga would say would decide everything. But the wait was killing Kanon.


And then, their eyes finally met, for a fleeting moment that paradoxically seemed to last forever. Kanon’s lips quivered, and his eyes felt like they were on fire from the weariness, the pain and the unshed tears.
Shame in his eyes and… something hard to describe – hope…?– in Saga’s… he couldn’t tell anymore if it was hope, surprise, or what… and hope of what anyway? He was too tired to think or try to analyse anything.

Everything seemed to have frozen in place so strongly that when Kanon watched Saga’s lips move, he thought he was dreaming once again.

“Kanon…”

But the younger twin couldn’t take it anymore, and dropped his gaze to the ground, trying to avoid eye contact with his brother at any cost. The idea that any moment now, he was going to see the rejection in Saga’s eyes was beyond unbearable for him. He felt like he was going to break apart.

And then, Saga suddenly turned away from him, unknowingly dealing what maybe was the final blow on Kanon’s already shattered self-esteem and pride.
He knew it. He knew that his brother wouldn’t want to see him, and that any hope was futile. But that was what he was expecting after all, wasn’t it? He didn’t think that Saga would even do him the honor of showing him his back like that. He really wasn’t expecting to be allowed to enter... and after all, he had came only to see him, so it was okay...he had what he wanted… and he had convinced himself before coming that he didn’t mind anymore whatever would happen afterwards... But if that was the case, then why did it hurt so much?

When he saw Kanon look away and purposefully avoid his gaze, Saga felt as if a blade had pierced his heart. Countless emotions and the most contradictory feelings were right now battling inside him, and everything around them seemed unreal and frozen in mid-air.
He desperately tried to find the right words to say, but not even when travelling between dimensions had he ever felt such a feeling of extreme unreality.
Unable to keep looking at Kanon any longer and afraid that he might very well break down into tears if he didn’t quickly find a solution, the gold saint turned his back to his brother, in an attempt to put order in his emotions and think clearly.
Saga felt as open and exposed as back when they were small children, when Kanon could see through him as if he was permanently wide open, but something told him that if he failed now, life might never give him that chance once again, and the fear that he might ruin it all was overwhelming. He never thought he would one day feel something like that, and it was exactly what made him so afraid of turning back to face his brother unprepared.

And this is when a muffled sound like a sob froze him in place.

Kanon saw the world through a red veil, and wondered whether there was blood in his eyes or if it was just the pain.
The tears that had been attempting to come out all day and that he had tried to hold back until now were finally flowing free on his cheeks, and he felt his lips trembling, unable to make any sound and too afraid anyway to break the heavy silence that had set itself in place.
It hurt so much to cry, and yet it felt kind of good, as if those meager tears running down his dusty skin could wash away a bit of the pain in his body and heart.
Dreading to make things even worse if his brother were to misunderstand his tears, Kanon tried in vain to cover his mouth with his hands to prevent a sob from escaping, but his body didn’t react as fast as he wished. He saw the tiny movement the muscles on his brother’s back made and realised that his attempt to conceal the little sound had failed.

Lost in the vertiginous dizziness that his pain and despair had sent him spiraling into, Kanon partially lost balance and his back hit the heavy door. Straightening his position a bit, he finally broke the silence, in a weary voice that made him sound more like a hurt child than the weathered warrior of many battles that he was in truth.

\"I’m sorry...I’m so sorry... I just wanted to see you once... I’m...sorr...y...\"- Kanon’s voice broke down more and more as the sobs and the pain made it weaker, but he still found the strength to not to lower his head, and to add what seemed most important to him : \"I...know you hate me, but...I... had to see you...\"

Speechless in front of so much despair, but finally breaking out of his stupor, Saga turned in a swift motion, and lunged towards Kanon.
Not expecting what he thought was a sudden attack, and unable to defend himself in his state, the younger twin could only flinch and shrink against the door, doing his best attempt to protect his face with his forearms, a warrior’s reflex that even so wounded he still kept.
But when he was expecting the pain from the blow to invade all of his senses, he found himself cradled tightly in his brother arms.
Kanon bit his lip, unsure of what was happening, or even if he was conscious or dreaming. Through a daze, he realized that Saga was hugging him and had buried his face on his neck, but his brain refused to obey him and try to analyse the possible reasons of that gesture.
And what could be the warmth that he felt on his skin? His brother’s breath…? Or tears? Kanon was sinking more and more into a sort of lethargy caused by the despair and the incapability of understanding what was going on. Didn’t Saga hate him? Why wasn’t he hurting him? His gaze was lost on the opposite wall, eyes wide open and wet still, even though the shock made the tears stop flowing, as if they were afraid of disturbing anything.

And then, Saga finally spoke.

In a voice so shaken that at first Kanon thought he was listening to his own voice in his head. Only after a moment of puzzled surprise, the younger twin finally understood that it was because Saga was crying. So he wasn’t dreaming when he felt something wet running down his neck. They really were tears.

“How could you say something like that? I could never hate you!”- Saga said softly, in a broken voice, and his breath felt on same time burning and soothing on Kanon’s abused skin.

\"I tried so many times in the past... but I could never, ever hate you...\" – The Gemini saint strengthened his hold on his brother’s frail form, as if he was afraid that the dream would fade and his twin would suddenly disappear.
Unable to hold any longer, Kanon broke into uncontrollable sobs and curled up against Saga, seeking refuge by sinking his face into his hair. It smelled of cleanliness and of the small dried flowers used in Greece to make scented pillows… it was the same scent that Kanon was used to smell on his brother’s hair when they were little. The scent of their joyful moments of innocence forever lost in the distant past. That was the last drop that made the cup overflow, and he went limp in his brother’s arms, crying so hard that he almost thought his body wouldn’t be able to take the strain. If Saga hadn’t been holding him, Kanon would certainly slide to the ground, for he let go completely, abandoning himself into his twin’s embrace.


The time that had frozen for them not mere minutes ago but almost two decades earlier, was finally flowing again, and the twins crying in each other’s arms felt more alive than they had ever been in the past 15 or 20 years. Painfully alive, but renewed, as if they were reborn, and together again.



************



Fire.

And blood.

Darkness, and running aimlessly in the world of night, in a rocky forest made entirely of unknown and fear.

Kanon wasn’t even sure if he was running in the right direction, but he could only trust his instincts and put all his hopes into overrunning those who were certainly tracking him down.

Fear. The world around him was spinning, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the wounds or if he was going insane. The sound of his heartbeats in his ears seemed so loud that he thought that absolutely every living thing in that place could probably spot him immediately by that noise. But he wasn’t even sure if there was anything alive in there, for the \"forest\" seemed to be filled with death and fear only. The rocks scrapped his bare legs and his hands, as he fumbled his way for a passage. The place was so dark that he couldn’t see anything, only feel for his way, and the impression that his enemies were still after him and he couldn’t see them made him feel even more cornered and helpless.

He ran as fast as he could, until his ragged breathing burned his troath and his lungs felt on fire. The pain from the wounds in his body seemed about to tear him in half, and he fell countless times as rocks, logs, or whatever else that was in the ground made him trip. Branches and rocks slit his skin open as he slammed onto them or brushed against them in his escape, but he couldn’t allow himself to slow down.

By the time he reached a zone with some more light and could get a better view at what surrounded him, his lower legs and forearms were covered in blood. Fresher blood from the most recent wounds, and dried, caked blod that had run down his belly and legs from the battle a few hours earlier. If that could be called a battle.
He had ran the entire night, or at least for many long hours, as it was impossible to tell night from day in this land of despair.

A look around showed him a landscape that matched exactly what he had expected this place to look like : a world of death, where the ground was dark and dry, yet held a disturbing likeness to the rot of a swampy area, and where absolutely all the trees were dead and appeared to have been chosen from the worst nightmares. Even the rocks seemed to have been scorched by fire or lava, and whatever creatures lived there only made their presence known by small hushed noises, as if they were constantly either living in the terror of being caught, or readying themselves to ambush an unknowing prey nearby.
Swallowing the fear and revulsion, Kanon closed his eyes and kept walking towards where he hoped the exit would be, supporting himself on the rocky formations to manage to go on. Thinking too much about the place wouldn’t do him any good, especially because he wasn’t even sure if it existed really or if it was an illusion of his abused mind.

If he could make it to the light, if he could breath the clean air once again, then maybe he would be able to muster enough strength to reach Greece, no matter how far it was from this place.
It seemed like another world, another life...was he even in the same universe? He was so far away from home…wherever home might have ever been, for right now it sounded almost like a broken fragment of a dream, something he wasn’t even sure if it ever existed. Was it really possible to go back there? Or would he die a miserable death on the side of some dusty road? Or much worse, would his enemies find him first and bring him back? A shudder of horror ran through his body when he thought of that possibility.
Whatever the answer might be, he had to try. He couldn’t allow himself to die like that, or here. Even if it was to let out his last breath on the steps leading to the Gemini Temple, he had to try.

He couldn’t escape form the throbbing pain that was spreading through his insides, but if only he could make it to Saga, then… then no matter what happened to his body, he would feel like his soul would be a little bit cleansed. If only he could ask for his brother’s forgiveness before dying, not all would be lost…



***************


For the first time in years, Kanon felt safe. Right here, in the gentle shadows of the Gemini temple’s stonewalls, and right now, in his brother’s arms, he felt maybe safer than he had ever felt before. It was as if for a moment, the pain didn’t matter anymore. Neither did the fear, or all the suffering and shame. No more need for guilt, or struggling alone in the dark. If it was possible, he would wish that this moment lasted forever. If only he didn’t need to worry that he would soil Saga with his body...
But before his numb senses could wake up enough for him to go back to thinking rationally or worrying about anything, Saga gently broke the embrace and held Kanon by his arms, as if wanting to get a better look at him.

\"You should get out of those clothes, they look like you crossed a desert wearing them! I’ll prepare you a bath and put them to wash. Once you’re done, we can have dinner together.\" – the Gemini saint offered, attempting to appear somewhat cheerful to conceal the worry that immediately invaded his features as soon as he analyzed Kanon’s state.
He might not be able to see yet what else his twin was hiding from him, but one look on his face was enough to tell that something was very amiss.
The pallor of Kanon’s skin and his obvious weariness were already worrying, but his reddened eyes and hair much darker than it used to be were even more mysterious and distressing.
They reminded Saga of a part of his past that he wished to bury as deep as possible in his memory. He could only hope that his brother’s condition wasn’t as bad as it seemed. At least, unlike Saga used to be when he would present the same symptoms, Kanon’s cosmo didn’t carry any threat nor appeared dangerous in any manner.
If anything, he simply seemed terribly tired and worn out.
Yet, he was clearly suffering. But from what?

\"I can only assume that your travel was very tiresome, you need rest. I’ll be back in a second.” – Saga said still in a light tone, and disappeared into the corridor that lead to the temple’s bathhouse, while Kanon followed him at a slower pace.

Leaning against the doorway, the younger twin mused : \"Is that hot water coming out of that pipe??\" – in the most astonished voice.

\"Oh, that. It’s no wonder that you find it surprising. You wouldn’t believe the changes that happened in Sanctuary in the recent years. I think this place changed more in the last three or four years than it had since we were children!!\"
Saga was doing his best to appear enthusiastic in an effort to prevent Kanon from delving into thoughts and worries unnecessary for now. It was best if they kept the serious matters to discuss the next day, and Saga’s priority at the moment was to get his brother to relax and rest, since no healing of any kind could take place as long as all of Kanon’s forces would be wasted in brooding or dwelling in the past.
But no matter how hard he tried Saga couldn’t prevent a melancholic undertone from seeping at the mention of their youth. Kanon looked down with an ashamed glance and walked away slowly, while the older twin mentally berated himself, afraid of having sounded fake in his attempts of cheerfulness. He busied himself with the large rectangular bathtub, clearly not modern in the least bit and which would probably take quite a while to fill. The sooner his brother could bathe and eat, the sooner he would be able to better assess the situation.

Kanon touched his forehead to a cold stone column, and tried to regain his balance that he was about to lose once again. He had left the bathhouse in silence, afraid of making things even worse.
No matter how much his brother tried to hide it, Kanon was sure that he couldn’t forgive him for the past. Hell, even he would never be able to forgive himself. Unforgivable. This is what he was.
He hit his head lightly on the pillar and swore to himself that he wouldn’t cry in front of his brother again tonight. There was no need to worry him further. It was already amazing that the older twin didn’t throw him out immediately, it was best not to push the luck too far. Soon or later, Kanon would do or say something stupid, and Saga would stop acting so nice. He was sure of it. He couldn’t understand why his brother was being so gentle, but he was sure that it wouldn’t last. How could it? After all that happened?
And besides, Saga had said he hated him, didn’t he...? When Kanon tried to defend the Gemini temple... great attempt of defence, by the way... Could it be that nothing that he did went right?!
No, that wasn’t good. He must think of something else, or soon, Saga would come out and find him in that state.
He started exploring, looking for the changes that had happened since the last time he had been there. So many... When Hades attacked, Kanon didn’t have the time to stop at Gemini before going to offer his services to the goddess, and so he didn’t get to see the tiny changes that the years had operated on the temple. Although he was more curious about the more recent changes, the bigger ones that his brother mentioned, and he had to admit that he felt a tiny pang of worry to know that some things were different.
How ironic the human nature is, that you should worry about the fact that water pipes were changed, when you should be more concerned about your chances of surviving for a few more days.
After wandering unsteadily through the corridors for a few moments, Kanon suddenly stopped, having spotted something familiar.

\"Saga?\"

\"Yes?\" – came the quick answer from the depths of the corridor leading to the bathhouse.

\"The grey couch, it’s still the same one than from back then, isn’t it?”

\"Yes, it is! That thing would survive anything!\" - Relief could be heard on the gold saint’s voice, as he probably was reassured that it wasn’t anything more important.

Kanon entered the large room almost shyly, out of respect for all the memories, and ran his fingers over the smooth and velvety cushions. This was the closest thing to a living room that the private apartments of the Gemini temple had.
So many memories… Their master liked very much his new couch, and wouldn’t let the boys sit on it, afraid that they would dirty it with their training clothes, or damage it by playing too roughly. So whenever the Gemini saint wasn’t in his temple and they were free of training, the two young twins would take a sinful pleasure out of climbing all over the couch to play, having long talks sitting on it, or even taking a nap on it sometimes, an activity even more thrilling because of the danger that they’d both fall asleep and wake up only when their master would be back. One of the two was always supposed to keep watch to prevent that disaster…a very moderate disaster, as their master was severe but not a tyrant, and the few times he caught them on his couch it didn’t end up in any big punishment.
It had of course been Kanon who started those games. How could it be otherwise? But Saga followed him, like he would almost always do. At first, reluctantly and shocked with the disobedience, but then he ended up joining in the fun.
Kanon used to be so good at convincing his brother to join in his crazy ideas...well, until the worst of them, which ended up sending him to Sounion Cape...
His eyes felt wet once again, remembering all that.

There was a blanket on the couch, and Kanon wondered if Saga still kept his old habit of reading until late at night there. He approached the blanket to his face, and a bittersweet smile formed on his lips. No doubt, that was Saga’s blanket. It had the same sweet scent that made Kanon feel like shedding tears over all the little things from the past that were lost and could never be found again.
Awkwardly because of the pain that still teared at his insides, he removed his shoes, slid out of his sweater and shirt, and then dropped down the jeans he was wearing and the last garments left, making a messy pile on the ground. Good thing that he had managed to get himself somewhat cleaned a few times during his journey, and that he had stolen clothes. As ridiculous as he felt for having to do it, he simply couldn’t appear in front of his brother’s door covered in blood and wearing a few rags.

After a quick glance at the swollen and angry looking red marks that curved around on his lower belly, Kanon wrapped himself in the blanket, whimpering softly when it brushed the most sensitive zones of his wounds. They were closing, but he knew that their outward appearance mattered few to the damage they were doing inside. He almost felt like it was unfair. All his life, he had desperately clung to an invincible optimism, so absolutely inherent to his nature. A survivor. Yes, that was what he was. All his life, no matter how deep was the pit, or how many times he would hit the bottom, he always survived, always got out of it.
And now, to watch this happen, powerless, unable to do anything but wait…
The wait was maybe the worst of all. But it didn’t matter, because this way, he could spend some time with Saga. A light, but truly sincere smile made its way to his face at this thought.

He sighed softly and sank back into the couch, thinking that he had never felt anything that comfortable in his entire life, as the soft cushions soothed his strained muscles and his aching members.
The more your body gets abused, the more you give value to the tiniest of the pleasures, when you finally get to feel something pleasant again.
He was so tired that he could barely keep his eyes open. And the delight of being there, sitting on their couch, wrapped in Saga’s blanket, with his legs sticking out in a careless child-like manner and his bare feet sucking in the freshness of the tiled ground was making him sink more and more into the drowsiness.

When Saga came in saying that he had prepared everything and fetched fresh towels for him, Kanon had already tumbled over and was deeply asleep. The older twin leaned over to check on his brother, but when he saw the innocent and finally peaceful smile that Kanon had on his face, he didn’t dare to wake him up.
Resting was the most important thing at the moment, Saga thought as he put out the lights and tiptoed out of the room.





**************


Child… Why do you weep?
Why do you struggle when you know well that it will only deepen your suffering?
Can you not hear? ‘Tis the call of those who have passed away. And soon, you too shall rest, for no mortal can change his own fate.
Forget the tears upon your face, for soon all shall pass away...
Fall into my dreamless embrace, and you shall be freed of all distress. Forever.
My silky lips might be cold, but the bliss that they will carry you into is the promise of an eternal slumber, forever free of pain and fear...


\"No...no... please...leave me alone...\"- Kanon bit hard into the blanket, trying to hold back his sobs, afraid of making noise and waking Saga up.
He awakened feeling lost and unsure of what time it was or where exactly he was, but he could see the moon high on the sky through a tall window, and he felt the presence of his brother’s cosmo, asleep somewhere in the same building.
He mustn’t make noise, or let his cosmo attract anyone’s attention.
The surge of panic that was rising inside Kanon’s body forced more burning tears out of his tired eyes. He was clutching the blanket so hard that his knuckles had turned white.
\"Athena...oh please... please... give me the strength to live to see another dawn... Even if it’s the last one... let me spend a little longer by his side...\" – he whispered through clenched teeth, concentrating the meager strands of strength he had left to keep somewhat under control the pain spreading through his abdomen.



********
[End of the first chapter]
[To be continued]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sagakure, April 23th, 2005