The Changing Tides

Title: The Changing Tides: Chapter 2
Author: JadeHeart
Archived: Found on gurabiteshiyon.net. If anyone else would like it, please ask me first!
Fandom: Gravitation
Rating: R
Warnings: bad language, angst,
Timeline: After the anime/manga finishes, I think.
Characters: Shuichi/Yuki
Feedback: Feedback is always welcome!
Summary: Can Shuichi withstand the ebb and flow of Yuki’s affections?
Author’s Notes : This thought came to me from the second line of the same song from Chapter 1, and still definitely has plenty of angst. Sorry, must be the mood I’m in. Now that is just plain depressing! I’m going to just see where this takes me at the moment. Thank you to the reviewers.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’ , nor am I making any profits from this.


The Changing Tides: Chapter 2

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So please don’t say love is blind
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Shuichi had stayed up. How could he just go to sleep, as though nothing had happened?

He had watched his Nittle Grasper tapes, listened to Bad Luck’s music on his ipod, made something to eat, drank coffee, played on his playstation, everything to fill in the hours that ticked by so slowly.

He glanced up at the clock. Another hour gone. It was now 3am. Still no Yuki.

Where had he gone? Was he alright? What if something had happened to him?

Shuichi began to pace, gnawing on a fingernail. What if Yuki had been hurt? What if he was in hospital?

His panic was growing. It was so late! He ran to the phonebook, pulling it out and flipping to the listing of hospitals in Tokyo. He would call them, all of them!

He stopped. What if Yuki wasn’t in Tokyo? Perhaps he had gone to Kyoto to see his family. Though why he would have tried to go there tonight, and not even mentioned it to Shuichi, he didn’t know.

No. Calm down, he told himself. If anything had happened to Yuki, and he was in hospital or hurt, they would have contacted Mika and Tohma immediately, and they would have told him. That much he was sure of. He clung to that belief. Slowly and firmly, he returned the phone to its cradle.

No, nothing had happened to Yuki. He was just late.

But where was he? Why didn’t he say something before leaving?

I know he said he was going to be late, Shuichi thought, returning to his place on the lounge, but how can he not expect me to worry about him when he doesn’t tell me where he is! He didn’t say that he had to go out tonight. He normally doesn’t go anywhere directly after he finished a book because he was always too tired. Normally, he just crashed out for nearly 24 hours, sleeping round the clock. Shuichi had seen that happen more than once, being forced to drag pillows and blankets out to wrap around a comatose Yuki, lying on the floor or couch.

So why would Yuki have gone out tonight? If he had been tired, they could have just stayed where they were, in bed, lying side by side. Shuichi liked those moments. Those brief quiet moments with Yuki, as they both lay there in the afterglow of sex. It was one of the few times that Shuichi felt that Yuki seemed at peace with himself, but they never lasted for long.

Where could he have gone? It was getting so late.

Shuichi got up to make another coffee. Although he did drink coffee and liked it, he never generally drank this much. He was more of a soft drink guy. However, at this time in the morning, strong coffee was required. The stronger, the better. He grimaced at the taste. He had put double the quantity he would normally have in, and the bitterness made his tongue curl. Ugh! as he shuddered at the taste, but he still took another swallow of the thick, hot liquid.

Why did Yuki seem so angry? Was he angry at him, or angry at something else?

That was something that had taken Shuichi a long time to work out. Sometimes Yuki’s actions towards him actually really weren’t directed at him, or for anything he had done. Shuichi knew that Yuki was being very unfair in taking out his anger about other things on him, just because he was nearby, but that was just Yuki. Shuichi didn’t quite burst into tears at everything Yuki said now that he had figured that out. However, the problem was that Yuki never explained to him if it was his fault or not, so that left him trying to guess most of the time.

This time it couldn’t have been his fault. He had hardly been around for the past two months, so he could hardly have been responsible for upsetting Yuki this time!

Okay, today when he had come home, yelling and shouting, may have pissed Yuki off a little. He was sorry about that. He had just been so excited at the prospect of having some free time, to finally be able to spend that time with Yuki, that he had simply forgotten everything else. So yes, Yuki had a right to be mad about that.

But he had seemed to be okay about it after. They had sex, and it had been fine. A bit quick and rough, but Yuki was like that sometimes, generally when he was really tired, so that just showed how bad he was really feeling. Lying next to each other afterwards, Shuichi knew that Yuki was feeling better about things. He hadn’t seemed mad anymore. His eyes hadn’t looked mad.

Then, he had just…changed. He was back to being cold, brushing Shuichi aside, and then just leaving. What did he mean that it wasn’t any of Shuichi’s business where he went? Of course, it was! He was Yuki’s lover, his partner. Of course, he should know where he was going! So why wouldn’t Yuki tell him?! Why did he have to be so hard all the time?!

Shuichi put the empty mug on the table, ignoring the coaster although he knew that Yuki hated to see coffee rings on the top. He threw himself prone on the lounge, hands clasped behind his head, staring up at the ceiling.

Where could Yuki have gone that he felt he couldn’t tell Shuichi? If he was just going out to the store, or a movie, visiting someone - though Yuki never seemed to visit anyone, not even his family - then surely he could have just said so. It was no big deal. Shuichi didn’t expect Yuki to spend every minute of his time with him. He just wanted to know where Yuki would be. Otherwise, he did worry.

He couldn’t stop the small worm of fear squirming in his gut, that one day he would find Yuki gone again. That had happened before. Too many times. Each time Shuichi had managed to find him, to track him down, convince him there was something to come back for. But in the back of his mind, he feared that one day, if it happened again, he wouldn’t be able to bring Yuki back.

He dreaded that thought. He tried to convince himself that it wouldn’t happen. He and Yuki had managed to come to an understanding. Yuki had put his past to rest, well, mostly, and finally accepted Shuichi as part of his present. It had been pretty good since then. Most of the time. Hadn’t it?

Okay, Yuki could still act like he had tonight. Cold, hard, uncaring, as though he was completely irritated that Shuichi even existed in his life. Those times hurt. They really hurt. But he couldn’t mean it. Surely that wasn’t how Yuki really felt about him? If he did, why was he still with him?

He heard the sound of a key in the lock, leaping to his feet as a corridor of light ran along the dark floor, running into the hall as Yuki stepped inside.

“Yuki, you’re back!”

Yuki paused as he closed the door. “Thought I told you not to wait up?” he growled, shrugging out of his coat, not looking at Shuichi.

“I…..I was worried.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Yuki stalked past. Shuichi could smell smoke and alcohol. So he had been out drinking. “Go to bed.”

Another scent drifted to Shuichi. Perfume. Not cologne. Perfume. “Yuki…” he turned to look at the man.

“Be quiet. I’m tired.” Yuki made his way into the kitchen, boiling water for a coffee.

Shuichi trailed back into the lounge room after him. “Where were you?”

“None of your business.”

“It is my business! If I don’t know where you are, I worry about you!”

Yuki glared at him. “Don’t be such a crybaby. You’re annoying.”

“Why can’t you just tell me?!”

“Because I don’t want to! Moron!”

Shuichi couldn’t stop the tears that ran down his face as he watched Yuki pour his coffee. “Yuki,” he said in a small voice, “Why wont you just tell me? Is….is it that bad?”

Yuki stared at him over the rim of his upraised mug. “What’s your problem? Why does everything have to be about you, jerk! Grow up.” Yuki walked past the boy, ignoring his tear-stained face. He sat down on the lounge.

“I’m sorry.” Shuichi whispered. “I just wanted to know, Yuki. I just wanted to know that you were okay.”

“Stop whining.”

Shuichi’s throat ached with trying to hold in his tears. Why was Yuki being so hard? Where had he been? Why did he smell like perfume? Had he been with a woman? Is that why he wouldn’t tell him? Could Yuki have been cheating on him? Surely not. They had just finished having sex before Yuki left. He wouldn’t have just gone straight out and screwed some female? Would he? Shuichi felt the tears continue to leak from his eyes. No. He was worrying over nothing. He glanced over at Yuki’s seated form. This isn’t how he had planned it to happen. This wasn’t how he had intended to ask Yuki. It was now, or never.

“I…Are you busy tomorrow?” Shuichi asked meekly, not turning around.

“Why?” Yuki didn’t look up.

“I’ve got two days off. I….I thought we could do something. You know, together. If you wanted to?”

“I’m busy.” Yuki stood, “Since you like it out here so much, you can stay here.” and he disappeared into his bedroom.

Shuichi stood staring after him. Slowly he sank down onto the lounge, wrapping his arms around his knees. So he wasn’t going to be spending time with Yuki after all.

He had been so happy about the time off, that he had done nothing but talk excitedly to Hiro all the way home, about all the things he hoped to do with Yuki. Well, not all the things. Some were a bit more private, and Hiro really didn’t want to hear about those! Hiro had been just as excited, as it meant that he could spend the time with Ayaka. Hiro would be in Kyoto by now, staying at Ayaka’s house. Shuichi hoped his friend was having a better start to his break than he was.

Now, Shuichi was going to go back to the studio in two days time and have to listen to Hiro talking excitedly about his time with Ayaka, and all the things they had done. Whilst Shuichi wouldn’t be able to tell them he had done anything. What a waste these two days would be. If Yuki was in a bad mood, he would have to spend most of the time out of the apartment. With Hiro away, he couldn’t hang out at his place. He wasn’t sure what he should now do with his time.

He knew that Hiro still worried about his relationship with Yuki. Not as much as he used to, but Hiro still didn’t like seeing Shuichi get down about things. And, he admitted, the only times he did get down now was when Yuki had said or done something to upset him. He tried to hide it, but he really wasn’t very good at pretending, not where his emotions were concerned. He hated worrying Hiro.

Shuichi was sure Yuki didn’t really mean to hurt him, and often told Hiro that. His friend didn’t seem to believe him most times.

Was Hiro right? Shuichi thought, feeling his tears soak into the material at his knees. Was he being blind? They say love is blind. That being in love made you only see what you wanted to see, and not what was really there. They say that love makes you believe things are there, that aren’t.

Was he being blind? Did Yuki truly not care for him? Hiro had often said at the beginning, that no-one who truly loved someone else, could treat that person the way Yuki treated Shuichi. Maybe that was so, but Shuichi had believed that Yuki had his reasons for acting like that. He had good reasons for it, and he had managed to get past those.

Shuichi delighted in seeing those rare moments when Yuki would smile that small smile of his. When his eyes would light with a tenderness that belied his harsh words. Those moments only happened a few times admittedly, but they did happen. Surely he hadn’t been mistaken about all that. He couldn’t have been completely wrong for all this time. He wasn’t being blinded by love.

He lay down on the lounge. He knew he couldn’t go into the bedroom. Not when Yuki was in this sort of mood. It had been a while since Shuichi remembered him being like this. When was the last time he had been forced to sleep on the couch? It had been a long time ago. He turned over. He had gotten used to sharing a bed with Yuki, feeling the heat emanating from the man’s larger body under the covers. He had gotten used to waking up in the morning and the first thing he saw was Yuki’s peaceful, sleeping face.

The tears continued to flow. He couldn’t be wrong.

Could he?