Something In-Between

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I make any money from using the characters.

NC-17

If you have time, please review. Of course, I live for them. And to all of you that have reviewed, I appreciate it so much! Thank you!

Note: This is the follow-up to Realities of Life, which in turn is a follow-up to Illusions of Life. If you have not read either of those stories, I’m afraid you will be lost.

My heartfelt thanks to my betas, the two of them have made this chapter possible, (and readable!)


Something In-Between

Chapter 2
Subculture


I like walking in the park
When it gets late at night
I move `round in the dark
And leave when it gets light

I sit around by day
Tied up in chains so tight
These crazy words of mine
So wrong they could be

What do I get out of this?
I always try, I always miss
One of these days you'll go back to your home
You won’t even notice that you are alone
One of these days when you sit by yourself
You'll realize you can't shout without someone else

In the end you will submit
It's got to hurt a little bit

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

As the plane neared London, I felt the knot in my stomach growing larger. How would Kyo treat me? Would he even speak to me? Even though I’ve done such horrible things to him, I am not sure I could take it emotionally if he turned his back on me. Not after what had happened with Eiri.

I shuddered at the memory of Eiri’s cruel and empty eyes as he held me down and tore at my clothes. With some difficulty, I forced the terrifying image from my head and tried to focus on the path that was before me instead.

That path led me to Inoue Kyosuke. I had always counted on Kyo to be by my side through anything. He loved me didn’t he? At least he had told me he loved me.

But that was before I used him and left him laying unconscious on a tile floor.

Ugh. Thinking about what I have done to Kyo is almost as bad as thinking about… that other thing. I shook my head in order to steer my thoughts once again.

I glanced over at Hiro. He was staring out the window, lost in his own thoughts.

“Hey, Hiro?”

He met my gaze, “What’s on your mind, Shu?”

I swallowed; maybe it was time for me to face at least one mistake. “Do you… are you still angry with me over… what I did to you? You know, our relationship?”

Leaning back he stretched his long legs out in front of him. “Sometimes. I’m getting better about it, though. That whole thing was strange for both of us, wasn’t it? I’m not sure what we were thinking.”

Sighing, I leaned back in my own seat. “I can tell you what I was thinking, although it doesn’t make any sense to me now.”

“Okay, yeah,” Hiro said as he continued to meet my stare. “I’d like to hear it. It might help me to understand things a little better.”

Taking a deep breath, I dove in, “I was really lost when Eiri left me and went to New York, but you already know that. You were the one that tried to keep me afloat. But, despite your tireless efforts, I was still sinking. I really didn’t care what happened to me at that point in my life. I had given up.”

“Then Kyo came along and shook me out of my funk. He helped me to understand that I was still worth loving. He helped me to see that other people loved me, including you. He helped me put some semblance of order back into my life.”

I paused for a moment, considering how to continue. “When Kyo left to be with his mother, something happened to me. Something I still can’t explain. Looking back on it now, I think I made a huge mistake when I told him I wouldn’t go with him. I counted on Kyo, I think maybe, too much. When he didn’t come back, and I couldn’t get in touch with him, I totally panicked. It was as if my main support beam had been pulled out from under me. Again. Just like when Eiri left me.”

Hiro hadn’t moved, he was watching me intently, waiting patiently for my explanation.

“You have always been the one constant in my life, Hiro. You have been the one I run to when I am in trouble. You are always so steady, always able to keep me on course when things get too wild. You were there when Yuki left me. And you were still there when Kyo left me.” I could feel my eyes fill with tears but I plunged ahead, “I knew that you harbored some feelings for me that went beyond friendship. After Kyo left, I became afraid that I would lose you, too. I was desperate for you to stay close to me, so I tried to do anything and everything to keep you. I tried to be the person you wanted me to be.”

I fought hard to explain myself, to let him know exactly what I was feeling during those dark days of my life. I knew I wasn’t even scratching the surface of what I had been terrified of. My terrible despair of being left first by Eiri and then by Kyo. My irrational fear that I would be forever alone. But, I wanted him to know, Hiro deserved to know.

“Unfortunately, the only result that came from our relationship was that it drove a wedge between us, instead of bringing us closer together. I know that I instigated the relationship, but the result was that I ended up resenting you for it. When that happened, I lost all my control and focus. My fear turned into anger, and I unleashed that anger on you and anyone else that remained around me.” I hung my head and the tears threatened to fall from my eyes now, “Hiro, I’m sorry. You’re like a brother to me; I can’t believe I did that to you, of all people.”

Hiro shifted next to me, sliding his arms around to hug me. “Thank you, Shu, for finally telling me. I know that was very difficult for you.”

I shook my head, “But it doesn’t make any sense Hiro.”

“Sure it does,” he chided me softly, rubbing my back. “Being alone is very scary for some people. I can see how the fear of being alone could make you do some crazy shit.”

The dam completely broke when he said that to me, when I realized that he had already forgiven me. I sobbed openly. How could I have forgotten, after all the years of friendship, after all we had been through, how much he meant to me?

“I’ve missed you so much, Hiro!” I managed to choke out.

“I’ve missed you too,” he answered softly. “And I’m sorry, also.”

Pulling away from him so I could look into his own tear-filled eyes, I said, “What do you have to be sorry for? I’m the one that took advantage of you and your feelings for me.”

Pushing a stray hair away from my eyes, he said, “Because I knew. I knew that you didn’t love me that way. I was just hoping that maybe… well, anyway, let’s just say, I knew how you felt. So, I’m as much to blame as you are.”

I gave him the biggest smile I could manage, “I do love you, you know. Just not as a boyfriend.”

Ruffling my hair, he gave me a weak smile back, “I know. And honestly, I’m totally okay with that, Shu. I’ve been okay with it for a while now.”

Exhaling deeply I flashed him a bigger smile, “Thanks, Hiro. You’re the best.”

“So, Shu,” he said gently after a few minutes of silence, “when are you going to tell me what happened between you and Yuki? I can tell that it was something major.”

“Yeah, it was major.” I leaned against him, “But I’m really not ready to talk about it yet. I’ll tell you when I can, okay?”

It was his turn to pull away enough to look in my eyes, “Worse than usual? Okay, I’ll wait until you are ready.”

I nodded, “It was bad. What I can say is that Eiri and I are really done this time.

He hugged me again and said, “I’m so sorry.”

“Mmm, you give the best hugs, I think I missed them most of all,” I said as I snuggled into him. “But Hiro, what about you? Are you okay with your break-up with Ryu?”

I felt him shrug, “It still hurts a little, if that’s what you are asking. But it was bound to happen sooner or later.”

“Why?” I asked as I relaxed into him, I felt so much better. Hiro was still my friend, and now, it was my turn to help him if I could. “Why was it bound to happen, Hiro?”

He sighed and answered, “Because I’m in love with someone else. Ryu knew that from the start. Even, before I knew.”

“I’m sorry, Hiro,” I felt my eyes fill with tears again. I had managed to ruin his chance with Ryu, too, “I’m so sorry.”

He chuckled, “Don’t worry, you loser. It’s not you.”

“It’s not?” I had the oddest mix of emotions, part of me was relieved that I wasn’t the one that he was in love with and part of me was jealous. How typically selfish of me. “Then who is it?”

“Look, Shu,” he said as he nodded towards the window, “There’s London.”

I jumped out of my seat and pressed my face against the window to get a better view.

It was hours later before I realized that he never told me who he was in love with.

Kyo picked us up at the airport, right on time. He was treating me the way he always does, although I could tell he was holding himself back. He was mad at me, all right.

I couldn’t blame him. He is next on my list to apologize to. But I am not quite ready to face that agony yet. One patching up would have to do for a few days.



The second night we were in London, Kyo talked us into going to an “open mike” acoustic bar. When we got there, we met up with Suspended Animation’s drummer, Tanaka Aki. It was good to see Tanaka-san again and I was relieved that I could speak Japanese for a few minutes. That was until Kyo barked something unintelligible at the drummer and ruined it.

Tanaka-san grinned at me and said, “English only, I’m told, Shindou-san. Sorry.”

“Kyo! You bastard!” I shouted. One of the few phrases of English I had memorized.

Kyo grinned at me and Hiro began laughing.

It was clear, early on; that all of the English Kyo had painstakingly taught me had flown right out of my head. As punishment, both Kyo and Hiro spoke only English and left me completely out of all conversations! I would be helpless without one of them with me, so it was their cruel method to give me English in the form of total “immersion.” No one was allowed to speak anything but English to me and I would not be acknowledged in anyway unless I spoke English.

It was infuriating.

Kyo was still smiling as he handed me a stack of sheet music, “Pick out something.” I think that’s what he said, anyway.

At least music was music and I could read that. I riffled through the stack, my eyes and hands stopping at a familiar sight. It was the music to “Let’s Dance” by David Bowie. I touched the paper with reverence, as if it were a long lost friend. My head filled with visions of Eiri and me together and happy, loving each other.

Gods, I missed him. We’d only been apart for a few days, but my longing for him was like an open, festering wound that wouldn’t heal. It was a familiar pain, one that I thought I wasn’t capable of anymore. I really didn’t want to deal with this anguish again, it made me furious.

I looked over at Kyo, laughing happily with Hiro and Tanaka. Why couldn’t I love Kyo? He was so much more stable than Eiri and Kyo would do anything for me. And Kyo loved me, right? Right. I would switch gears, I would love Kyo. I was done with Eiri.

Forever.

Right.

“Did you find a song?” Kyo asked me slowly in English.

I sighed in defeat and handed him “Let’s Dance.”

He raised his pierced eyebrow at me. He knew what David Bowie meant to me, what David Bowie meant to Eiri and me.

Shrugging I explained, “I know the lyrics.”

He rolled his lovely green eyes at me.

Why couldn’t Kyo be the one I loved?



It was about week later that I found Kyo alone in the living room, reading the latest music news. It was time I faced him and atoned for my actions.

“Kyo?” I started quietly as I sat on the couch next to him. “We have to talk.”

He rubbed his hand through his hair, “Ah, it’s never good when a conversation starts out with the words, “we have to talk.” Well, I’ve been expecting it,” he set down the magazine and put out his cigarette. He turned to face me and inhaled deeply, “Okay, Shu, let’s hear it.”

I stared at him. He was so incredibly beautiful and he had done so much for me, why couldn’t it be Kyo that I loved?

“Kyo…” my voice broke and I fought to go on but I was totally incoherent, “I wanted it to be you! Why can’t it be you? You’re everything I ever wanted, why can’t it be you?”

“Shh,” he wrapped his arms around me, “Its okay, Shu. I know.”

“But, you saved me; you gave me everything, why can’t I love you the way I love… ” I couldn’t speak anymore as I lost all control and sobbed hysterically. It wasn’t fair. This gentle soul that had looked out for me, had done everything for me, didn’t deserve to be sullied by my fucked up relationship with Eiri.

“I know, Shu. I’ve known for a while,” he said quietly. Pulling away he smiled softly and brushed away tears from my eyes, “We can’t chose who we fall in love with Shu. If we could, the world would be a lot easier to live in, but much more boring.”

I grabbed a fistful of his luscious, long hair and twisted it nervously around a finger, “You knew? How? But, I really wanted it to be you, Kyo. You are perfect.”

“Perfect?” he snorted at me. “Shu, you don’t even know me.”

“Sure I do,” I said hesitantly. But I knew I didn’t. I had taken everything Kyo had ever given me, but I had never really gone out of my way to know him. I had always held him at arm’s length.

“Okay, then,” he looked at me with a challenge, “where was I born?”

“Uh, Hong Kong?”

He shook his head, “Do I have any siblings?”

“I… I don’t know.” I squirmed with embarrassment under his close scrutiny. This was so humiliating.

“Who is my favorite band?”

“Uh, I thought classical music was your favorite kind of music,” I stammered.

He leaned back and shook his head, “Pathetic. And you wonder how I knew that you weren’t in love with me? Sometimes you are unbelievably selfish.”

I hung my head, “I know. I’m really sorry, Kyo.”

“Huh,” he growled at me. “So, here are some questions I bet you know the answers to: What’s Yuki Eiri’s favorite food?”

“Beef stew is his favorite meal.” I answered slowly. “Strawberry shortcake is his favorite dessert.”

“Uh huh,” Kyo was glaring at me now, “and where was Yuki Eiri born?”

“Kyoto.”

“Yes, I see,” he said softly. “And who is Yuki Eiri’s favorite musician?”

“It’s…”

“David Bowie, right? I learned that from you.”

I felt the tears course down my cheeks, “I’m sorry, Kyo. I’m so sorry.”

“Shu,” he sighed deeply, “why aren’t you telling Yuki this instead of me?”

“Because, Eiri and I are finished, Kyo. Over. He hates me now.”

“He hates you? What makes you say that, Shu? What happened?” He prodded gently.

I shook my head, “Eiri and I are done. I don’t think I want to say anything more than that. It’s time I learn to stand on my own without anyone else’s support.”

“Shu,” he said with a smile as he tousled my hair, “I’ll always be around. You can always call on me.”

“Thank you for everything, Kyo. I don’t think I would have survived the last couple of years without you.”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” he grinned at me as he stood and grabbed his coat.

“Where are you going?” I asked him quietly.

“My favorite bar, just down the street. After all,” he smiled sadly at me, “it’s my prerogative to get stumbling, falling down, drunk. I was just dumped, after all.”

“Oh, Kyo,” I said, tears threatening to fall again.

“Its okay, Shu. Really,” he smiled again. “At least now I know, without a doubt, how you feel. This means we can both move on.”

I watched him leave the room through my tears. I cried for quite a while, alone on the couch. Kyo was such an amazing person; I really, really wished that he was the one.

Fucking Yuki Eiri.

My feelings for Eiri didn’t make any sense to me. I had spent a year and a half trying to get over the bastard, finally getting to a point where I thought I didn’t need him anymore. It wasn’t fair that he could walk back into my life and reset my feelings with a blink of his eyes.

Eiri. The bane of my existence. The love of my life.

It was several hours later when Hiro came home and found me, still sitting on the couch, staring out at the London skyline. I told him what had happened and I begged him to go check on Kyo. He looked a little uncomfortable with the idea, but he finally agreed and set off to find our host.

After our discussion on the plane trip to London, it had not taken long for my relationship with Hiro to reach the old comfort level. If nothing else came of it, my trip to London had been worth that one giant piece of salvation. My best friend Hiro was back as an integral part of my life.

About an hour later, they both came home. Hiro was literally dragging Kyo up the stairs. Kyo was ranting to Hiro, rather loudly, about the importance of listening to your bartender and always going with your first instinct. Who knows what he said after that as he began switching between several different languages. Kyo was clearly drunk off his ass. Hiro was sweet and kind and made soothing sounds as he guided the inebriated man down the hall and into Kyo’s bedroom.

I had to admit, as I watched two of them stumble down the hall, that they looked pretty good together. I wondered if either one had thought about that?



After a few days of awkwardness, things started to get back to normal. Kyo, Hiro and I continued performing at the club with Tanaka Aki and Suspended Animation’s bass player, Watanabe Miki. When we had first met, over a year ago, I connected almost immediately with Miki. It was good to have a woman’s input again. In addition, she had a very nice voice and we sang well together.

Very soon, our elaborate, three band tour would kick off from London, so the five of us spending time together and playing together would really help when we actually started touring. Suguru would be joining us soon and that would help Bad Luck solidify our sound.

When the Suguru, the control freak, made an appearance, we were to start practicing in earnest. Kyo had made arrangements with a local studio in London so we could have time to practice in soundproof rooms, but I found this live acoustic jamming to be much more satisfying. I could tell that Hiro did too.

Something was happening with Hiro. He almost glowed with happiness. Why was that?

I started to pay close attention to him. I wasn’t sure, but I thought it might be Kyo that was bringing out my best friend’s happy demeanor. Was it Kyo that he was in love with? I felt a twinge of jealousy at the thought. It was petty, I know, but I couldn’t help it. At the same time, I would be happy for them both. They deserved happiness, and I could not think of two people better suited for one another.

But it did make me extremely envious. Not because I wanted either of them, necessarily, but because I wanted their feelings. Why couldn’t Eiri respond to me the same way?

I found that what I really wanted to do was party. Get ridiculously wasted and forget about Eiri, even if it was just for a few minutes. But I knew that Kyo and Hiro wouldn’t allow that. My behavior when I drink tends to lean towards the extreme. Most of my adventures with alcohol have resulted in a loss of control and good judgment, leading me down other, more forbidden paths. Paths that Kyo and Hiro were trying to keep me clear of.

Eiri.

Gods, I missed him. Missing him was so stupid and lame and infuriating, it made me want to rip out my own heart and stomp on it.




Miki dragged me out shopping with her the next week. Luckily, she was fluent in English and while she kept to the Kyo rule of “make Shu speak English all the time,” she would also speak to the retailers on my behalf.

We found a ton of ridiculous, trendy stores that we dropped a bunch of money in. Clothes, jewelry, shoes, you name it. The type of clothing and accessories that Eiri would have made fun of. Made fun of while he ogled me, of course. He could insult my fashion sense all he wanted, but we both knew he liked to look at me when I dressed provocatively.

I couldn’t get him out of my head. Why? The bastard had nearly raped me.

Why would he do that to me?

And why would I miss him?

“Because you love him, you dumb ass,” Miki said to me.

“What?” I said back to her, staring into her brown eyes. I had spoken out loud without knowing it again.

“Gods, you are unbelievably dense,” she said to me.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because, you can’t see that he’s the one for you,” she reached into her bag and pulled out a smoke. “What’d he do, try to rape you?”

I coughed, “Something like that.”

She raised her eyebrow at me, “Really? I’ll bet it was because of Kyo, right?”

“How does everyone know all this stuff?” I snarled at her.

“Because we all knew how Kyo felt about you, it didn’t take rocket science to figure that out. Because it sounds like this Yuki character loves you. And love makes you do some really stupid shit sometimes,” she glared at me. “Really stupid shit.”

I really liked Miki. In a lot of ways, she reminded of Eiri. Especially the way she would be mean when she said what was on her mind. I found it to be endearing.

“Even try and rape your boyfriend?” I scoffed at her.

She became very serious, “Did you hurt him? Did you sleep with someone else?”

“I’d rather not answer that question,” I defended.

Bursting into laughter she said, “Yeah, I’m right. And if this Yuki guy is half as possessive as you have been telling me, why would you expect him to react any differently? You belong to him, right?”

“Well… It’s a little more complicated than that,” I defended.

“Is that so? Have we, or have we not spent the entire day talking about him?” she challenged me.

“Well, yeah.”

“So, I’d say you belong to him,” she concluded.

“But,” I stammered, “he’s a complete bastard.”

“Bastard or not,” she smiled at me, “he’s got you by the short hairs.”

Damn it, she was right.

“But that doesn’t give him the right to step over certain lines!” I snapped.

“Isn’t that what you did?” she snapped back. “You can’t have it both ways, Shuichi. If you hurt him, of course he would try and hurt you in kind. I’m not saying that what he did was right, but as I see it you now have one of two choices. Either get over it and make up with him or move on without him.”

She glared at me for a moment before continuing, “I think you should try and make up. Sounds like you two have a very passionate relationship. When you do make up, I expect you to tell me all the sordid details.”

Miki’s tirade had done an amazing thing, it left me speechless.

Finally, she winked at me and then put her arm around my neck, “Now, come on, let’s check out the leather shop. I bet we can find all kinds of slutty outfits for the two of us. And afterwards, let’s get a drink.”

She took me to Kyo’s home in a cab later that night. Kyo had just arrived home as Miki poured me out of the cab and onto the sidewalk. I was laughing like a madman.

“Miki!” Kyo snapped as he stalked towards us, “What do you think you are doing?”

“Oh, relax!” She defended as she giggled herself. “He needed a diversion.”

“Miki,” he sighed, “You know you can’t let him drink. And you’re not supposed to be drinking, either, missy. You didn’t do anything else, did you?”

She rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips, “No, mother.”

Kyo’s neighbor, Nakamura-san pulled his car into his driveway just then. I thought that it was odd that his neighbor happened to be Japanese. Nakamura-san’s roommate, the gigantic Chinese man, Tony, stepped out of their front door. Kyo motioned to Tony.

Tony lumbered down the stairs and picked me up like I was a nothing more than a rag doll and carried me into the house.

“Hey, Kyo,” I slurred as I was carried up the stairs. “Why are Tony and Nakamura-san always around?”

Miki started laughing as she turned to Kyo and said, “He really is dense sometimes.”

“Hush,” was Kyo’s reply to her.

And then I passed out.



Tohma and K had given Hiro and I laptops before we had gotten on NG’s company jet. They had given us specific instructions to check our email once a day. I had ignored those instructions at first, but as I began to regain emotional strength, I was able to face contact with my home again.

At first, it was drabbles from mom, instructions from K and upcoming schedules from Sakano. I got a couple of quick messages from Suguru giving us his schedule and a rather cryptic message from Maiko about neko-Yuki that I didn’t understand.

Maiko did not have my cat. I sent back a reply, who had my cat?

Days went by and then I got it.

I stared at the list. Maiko. Mom. K. Sakano. Noriko.

Yuki Eiri.

It couldn’t be. I clicked on the name.

A total of five words were on the email.


I have your cat.

Eiri


Pictures of neko-Yuki were included with the email.

I burst into tears.

Kyo rushed into the room with Hiro right behind him to find me sobbing my heart out.

“Shu, what’s the wrong?” his soft voice queried as he knelt down to be eye level with me.

I pointed at the screen.

Kyo chuckled softly, “So, I see. It doesn’t appear that he hates you after all, does it, Shu?”

Shaking my head, I said “I can’t believe it.”

“Oh, please. What can’t you believe?” Hiro said sharply. “It’s obvious he still loves you, even if he has done horrible things to you.”

“Horrible,” I nodded as I touched the pictures of my cat. I missed him.

“Who do you miss? Yuki or your cat?” Kyo asked as he brushed my hair from my eyes.

I’d been speaking out loud again, that was getting to be a very bad habit. “Both,” I choked out.

“Then let them know, Shu,” Hiro said quietly. “It’s email, what do you have to lose?”

Email. Hiro was right, what did I have to lose? After the two of them left the room, I began at once, typing a response.

Would Eiri even respond to me? I couldn’t sleep that night as I wondered if he would ignore me completely or tell me to fuck off.

I got my answer the next day.


The cat and I miss you, too.

Eiri


I began typing again. We could do this, Eiri and me. I know we could get through to each other this way.

Email. Hiro was brilliant.


A few days later, we were at the club and ready to jam for the evening when Kyo dragged me into a side alley. He made some pretense about wanting to know what happened between Eiri and me and then he kissed me.

It was so good. I was shocked by my reaction and I let myself be taken along with my feelings. Before I knew it, I was grinding against him ready to beg him to take me right there in the alley. I was so horny, I could hardly stand it. It was wrong, and I knew it, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Clearly, I still had some very strong feelings for Kyo. At the very least; I had a lingering physical attraction for him.

When the alley door opened and we looked up from our kiss and into the lens of a camera, I felt my world collapsing once again.

Eiri would see this picture, would see me in a seedy alley with Kyo between my legs. Fuck!

Worst of all, Kyo hadn’t even really been coming on to me. He was merely setting me up for a racy photo-op in hopes that Yuki would… Would what, exactly? Get jealous and come claim me? Ridiculous! And Hiro was in on it, too. They had fucked it all up, those lowlife bastards!

Well, Eiri wouldn’t come now, of that I was certain. Not once he saw that picture. We were already hanging by a thread, so the photo would probably be the nail in the coffin that was my relationship with Eiri.

Unless… maybe now was the time for some groveling to Tohma. It was a long shot, but what did I have to lose? Desperate times as they say…


TBC


Lyrics for Subculture by New Order