The Taming of the Cavern King | By : roryheadmav Category: +G to L > Gankutsuou Views: 3530 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Gankutsuou, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. |
DISCLAIMER: This story is a
non-commercial work of fiction based on the anime/manga Gankutsuou. Original
copyright of Gankutsuou belongs to Mahiro Maeda, Gonzo/Media Factory, GDH.
Absolutely no monetary gain has been made with this work.
Original
Highlander version © 2003 By Rory V. Pascual (under the name of Remillard);
Gankutsuou
Version © May 13, 2006 By Rory V. Pascual
In the wee hours of the morn,
fierce banging and equally noisy jangling roused the entire household of No. 30
Champs-Elysees. The din was practically audible at the stables. Louis Dantes,
who had spent the entire night being bitten by gnats and horse fleas in the
stable, stumbled outside in his rumpled nightgown. Except for that racket,
nothing seemed out of the ordinary...until he heard his daughters let out
blood-curdling shrieks.
Fearing rape and pillage, Louis
hurried to the manse, broadsword raised high. But as he yanked the front doors
open, he slammed face first into a wall, causing him to fall back on his bare
ass.
"What the hell!" The
captain's eyes widened at the sight of the doorway boarded up by thick planks.
Louis pounded his fists on the boards. "What's going on in there? Get
these damned things off the doorway!"
"We can't, Father!"
wailed Eugenie helplessly from within. "There are chains crisscrossing the
doorway as well! We can't get out!"
"Who did this? Who the hell
did this?"
Then, mischievous mismatched eyes
peered at him through the slats. "Good morning, Father!" Edmond
greeted cheerfully. "Isn't it a bit chilly to be walking around in your
night gown?"
"YOU!" Louis gasped.
"You did this? Edmond Dantes, get these boards off this instant!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I'm
afraid I can't do that," his son said in mock apology. Louis saw
Gankutsuou's piercing golden eyes glaring back at him. "Let's see if your
prospective suitors could get through this door!"
"Father, how are we going to
get out?" Valentine cried in turn.
"Silly twit!" Louis
heard his son snarl at his youngest sister. "Use the servant's entrance
or, better yet, go through the window. No one, and I do mean NO ONE, shall pass
through this doorway! Not while I live!"
Sure enough, the window on the
right side of the doorway slid open and Edmond crawled through, whistling to
his black stallion. The horse immediately thundered out of the stables, taking
his place before his master.
As he got on the saddle, Louis
lumbered towards him. "Come back here, you scamp! I'll give you a hiding
you'll never forget!"
Laughing, Edmond taunted,
"You'll have to catch me first, Father!" Checking to see if his pet
worm was comfy inside his shirt pocket, the Nobleman urged his stallion to a
full gallop and rode out of the courtyard, his father bellowing in rage behind
him.
~~~~~~~~~~
Edmond rode at breakneck speed
through the woods of Auteuil, relishing the refreshing breeze of freedom
blowing through his hair. He wished he could just go on to the far reaches of
the Earth, away from the mortal concerns his father and kin had placed upon his
shoulders. But secret matters bind him to Paris, far stronger than family ties,
and it was his misfortune that there was no resolution to his dilemma.
Musing and riding certainly do not
mix. Lost as he was in his troubled thoughts, Edmond did not see the motorcycle
bearing down on him until it was too late.
Surprised, his horse reared up,
whinnying out loud. The rider was able to bring his motorcycle to a halt. The
Count, however, was not so lucky. His stallion bucked him off the saddle,
sending him hurtling through the air. Edmond landed face first in the mud, the
tail of his coat thrown up and over his head. His up-raised rump was the only
thing visible.
"EUREKA!" a muffled
voice crowed in glee above him. "The Good Lord said, 'Seek and you shall
find!' Indeed, He spoke true! Just look at these luscious melons!" To the
nobleman's alarm, he felt someone leap into the mud pit, eagerly heading
towards him. "My, look how they tremble! Whoever owns you must think you
to be precious because he had even covered you in a fine velvet sheath. Hold
still, fruit! Oh, how my hands yearn to feel you in my grasp!"
Recognizing that voice at last,
Edmond arose from the mud, yanking his coat down. "KEEP YOUR HANDS TO
YOURSELF, HERRERA!"
"Why, Count? Is that
you?" Albert asked in surprise. Peering closely at the muddy figure before
him, the young detective even wiped the grime from the older man's face. Edmond
snapped at Albert with his teeth when the detective brushed a thumb over his
lush lower lip. "Why, it IS you! For a moment there, I thought I'd
stumbled upon a melon patch."
"Do I look like a
melon?" the Nobleman spat out. "What the hell are you doing here
anyway? This is Monte Cristo property!"
"My investigation brought me
here. You know that a man was murdered around here." Albert pointed a
finger to his temple as though firing a bullet through his head. Even covered
with mud, the detective noticed how the nobleman's lips turned pale.
"Someone in the village told me that he often frequents these parts."
"If he was, he'd be a
trespasser and he'd be shot and brought to the authorities, not murdered. Why
you're wasting so much time finding the killer of that dastardly lout Fernand
de Morcerf is beyond me!"
Curiosity sparked inside the
younger man's mind. "How did you know his name was Fernand de
Morcerf?"
Edmond's lips blanched even more
at that query. "Who...I...well, you told me his name was Fernand de
Morcerf."
Albert shook his head. "I
never told you his name."
"Yes, you did."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did!"
"No, I didn't!"
The Count stomped his feet in
exasperation. "If you don't want to admit it, fine! Besides, everyone
knows his body was found here. I must have assumed you mentioned his name.
Farewell, Monsieur Herrera! I have business to attend to!" Slipping and
sliding through the mud, he made his way towards his horse.
Before he could get on his
stallion, he heard Albert call out behind him. "Count, wait!"
Edmond turned to glare at the man.
"What?" His eyes widened, seeing his pet worm squirming in the
detective's open palm.
"You forgot your little
friend." A heated flush went up Edmond's cheeks when Albert laid the flat
of his hand over his left breast, cupping the firm pecs. As he slid the worm
inside the older man's pocket, between the V of his index and middle fingers,
Albert gingerly pinched the taut nub that jutted through his wet garments.
Edmond gasped when the detective patted his chest.
"Hang in there, little
fellow!" the detective advised, not minding the seething glower in the
nobleman's eyes.
Edmond inwardly counted from one
to ten as he got on the saddle. Reining his horse in the direction of the
village caused another query to escape from Albert's lips.
"Don't you think you should
be going back home instead?"
"Who do you think you are,
anyway? My father?" retorted Edmond, his lips pursed in a lovely pout.
"Whatever it is I want to do is none of your business!"
Albert shrugged. "I just
thought you might want to take a bath first."
"I could say the same about
you." There was a firm set to the nobleman's jaw. "Monsieur Herrera,
the next time you want to snoop around my land, get a search warrant. If I see
you again, I'll shoot you."
At these words, Edmond headed off
into town.
When he was gone, Albert pulled
out the journal he had earlier found in the woods. Before he could remove the
clasp, he glanced at the departing figure of the Count. Knowing that his
investigation could wait, Albert tucked it back inside his coat, grinning
wickedly at the thought of a warm bath.
~~~~~~~~~~
The proprietor of Paris's sole
bathhouse, Caderousse, cowered back from the fiendish nobleman that was
stalking him.
"But Monsieur Edmond,"
the weaselly little man cajoled, "all my baths are full. Unless you are
willing to share with one of my customers, I suggest you wait for just a little
while."
"It's 'Your Excellency' to
you! Do I look like a man who could wait?" Edmond growled in his face.
"I'm sticky, I'm itchy! I look like the God damned bog monster!"
"Your Excellency, there is
nothing I can do..."
"Then, I'll kick one of your
customers out myself!"
Saying this, the Count made his
way towards the largest bath in the establishment, Caderousse following after
him. As he barged inside, a large bathtub filled with steaming water greeted
him. Lying on the floor was a muddy discarded towel. There was even a small
table beside the tub with a plate full of grapes.
"Looks like one of your
customers flew the coop, Caderousse." The nobleman swiftly stripped down,
retrieving Baptistin from his shirt pocket. Taking the clean towel the
bathhouse owner had in his hand, he thrust his dirty clothes into Caderousse's
arms. "Have my clothes cleaned. I want them ready for me when I'm
done."
"Your Excellency, that's
impossible!"
Edmond let out a snarl and the man
scurried away. With a smirk on his face, the Scot laid the worm on the platter
of grapes and headed for the makeshift shower. Pulling on a rope caused cold
water to sluice down from a pipe jutting out through the wall. Taking the cake
of soap, he proceeded to wash the mud from his body, singing horribly as he did
so.
Unknown to the nobleman, shining
blue eyes observed him avidly from the bathtub, particularly fixated on his
bonny posterior. If Edmond had the ability to read minds, he would actually
hear this ravenous thought being screamed, Melons! Those melons are mine!
When he was done, Edmond sauntered
towards the tub. Stepping inside, he sank down into the warm water, sighing as
he did so. The water relaxed his fraught nerves that he leaned his head back
and took a nap.
If only he had glanced at the
grapes on the table once more, the nobleman would have realized that he was not
alone – that he was actually sharing his bath with a man with an obsessive
fondness for round fruits. Sure enough, while Edmond dozed blissfully unaware,
a slender, tanned hand rose from the water and plucked a grape from the bunch.
That same hand even pushed a grape towards Baptistin, who began to ravenously
eat it. As the hand reached up to pick some more, the whole bunch accidentally
fell into the water with a soft plop.
Hearing that sound, Edmond lifted
his head. But seeing no one around, with a nonchalant shrug, he settled back to
sleep and to a deliciously erotic daydream he was envisioning before he was
interrupted.
In his dream, a beautiful woman
with pale skin and long black hair had positioned herself between his legs, her
red lips teasing his hefty sacs. The nobleman moaned in bliss. He could
actually feel a feathery caress on his scrotum, followed by a velvet tongue
licking his balls.
God! thought Edmond in
ecstasy. I wish all my dreams were like this!
But then, the Count suddenly cried
out in surprise and pain when teeth nipped his balls. A howl escaped his lips
when his cock was sucked into a powerful vacuum of scalding heat. His feet
kicking out, Edmond scrambled out of the tub, holding his towel before his
naked form. His eyes widened, seeing the water in the tub churning with
bubbles. Edmond shrieked in horror when an impish face emerged from the tub.
"HERRERA!" the Nobleman
exclaimed, truly in shock. "YOU AGAIN?"
"We should stop meeting like
this, Edmond." Albert grinned at him. "What would people say?"
"What in God's name are you
doing here? Are you following me?"
"Of course not! I'm just
enjoying my bath when you barged in. How was I to know it was you?"
"Bathing? Underwater?"
the Count demanded.
Albert scratched his head
sheepishly. "Oh, that? I'm sorry, Edmond. My grapes fell into the tub.
They were very sweet and it would be a waste to lose them. Just look how your
worm is enjoying one."
Edmond glanced at Baptistin, who
has already consumed half a grape. He cupped the worm protectively in his hand.
"You know," the
detective continued, "I thought I found the missing bunch and a special
sausage bonus to boot."
"Why are you so obsessed with
round fruits and sausages? What are you? Insane? Maybe I should send for Dr.
Andrea Cavalcanti and have them cart you off to that mental asylum in Avignon
along with Father Peppino." The nobleman's eyes narrowed in suspicion,
suddenly realizing something. "And who gave you permission to call me
'Edmond'?"
"What's wrong with my calling
you by your first name? It's a lovely name, I might add. Besides, since we're
always bumping into each other, we might as well be on a first name
basis."
Edmond cocked an incredulous
eyebrow up. "WE always bump into each other? Now I'm convinced of my
suspicion!"
"And what's that?"
"That you've been following
me!"
Albert burst into laughter.
"Now why would I want to do that? Can I help it if I'm always at the right
place at the right time?"
"Don't you mean wrong place,
wrong time?"
"For you, perhaps. Come now,
Edmond! Don't you want us to be friends?"
"With you?" the Count
snorted in disgust. "Absolutely not! And please do stop calling me
'Edmond'. I prefer to be called 'Your Excellency'."
Albert laid his right arm on the
edge of the tub and propped his chin up with his left hand. "Very well
then...Your Excellency." He said the last two words dryly. Winking, he
hinted, "If you don't want us to be friends, maybe we could mean something
else to each other."
At these words, the nobleman
granted the man a wary glare. "What do you mean?"
The detective weighed his next
words carefully. "Your Excellency, all of Paris knows you to be the prim
and proper Count who would soon lead the city, perhaps even in the nation. What
would they say if they find out you've been consorting with a lowly inspector
like me?"
" 'Consorting', you say? No
Parisian in his or her right mind would ever believe that you and I are
'consorting'." Edmond waved his hand dismissingly. "This conversation
is going nowhere! Lest I be mistaken for a cradle snatcher, goodbye, Herrera!"
"Oh, I don't think anyone
would believe that you are a cradle snatcher. But I, on the other hand, am
DEFINITELY searching for a Sugar Daddy."
"What...did...you...say?"
"Think about it, Your
Excellency," Albert suggested. "Our first meeting has already born
fruit – round ones too." As the Count slowly turned to glower at the
younger man, the detective pointed out, "Besides, you no longer have
anything to hide from me." Albert eyed the bare nobleman from head to toe,
before focusing on his royal jewels. "I could take very good care of your
melon patch, your chestnuts, and your worm for you."
The detective ducked into the
water when the Count hurled a bucket at his head.
Hearing the door slam shut, a
triumphant smile formed on his face. "Sorry, Edmond, but again Round Two
goes to me."
At that moment, Caderousse
stumbled through the doorway, sporting a black eye.
"Caderousse!" greeted
Albert. "I see our generous Cavern King has paid you well for your
services!"
"Oh, Monsieur!" the
bathhouse owner complained. "He is a devil, that one! His father must be
truly insane to offer his son's hand in marriage!"
Albert's ears perked up at that
last statement. "What do you mean?"
"Haven't you heard, Monsieur
Herrera? The Captain Louis Dantes has announced that he is looking for
prospective MALE suitors for his son. Since the young Dantes does not have the
slightest interest in women, his father will see him married off to another man.
It's unprecedented, I tell you!" Caderousse leaned closer to the detective
and whispered, "In fact, I've heard that the first suitor to walk through
the front doors of the mansion on No. 30 Champs-Elysees shall win his hand in
marriage."
"That doesn't sound like much
of a problem."
"Monsieur, no fool would want
to marry Edmond Dantes! That one is demon-possessed!" exclaimed
Caderousse, wondering if the detective was not a bit daft. "Even if there
was someone stupid enough to woo him, he wouldn't get through the front doorway
because the Captain's son had boarded it all up."
Albert chuckled at what the
bathhouse proprietor revealed to him. I have to hand it to you, Edmond.
You're a lot smarter than I thought. But we shall see who has the last laugh.
We shall see.
~~~~~~~~~~
The next two weeks were a flurry
of activity for Edmond Dantes, or more infamously known as the Count of Monte
Cristo.
His nights were spent patrolling
the balcony, crossbow in hand, watchful for any man who would dare cross the
threshold of the manse. There were occasions when his sisters attempted to
dismantle his formidable barricade. The Count chased the two women off with his
riding crop. Ever the determined one, Eugenie made another attempt one evening
when her brother wasn't around, and only good old Baptistin, on guard detail,
was crawling back and forth before the doorway. Disgusted by the vigilant worm,
Eugenie had raised her satin slippered foot, ready to stomp him into worm meal.
Unfortunately for her, Edmond had a contingency measure. His sister did not
notice the tiny threads near the doorway. When she lifted her foot, she tripped
one thread, tipping over the bucket hidden above the doorway, dumping
nightcrawlers of all shapes and sizes on her lovely head. Eugenie's shriek
could be heard in three cities. Because of this, the nobleman had taken to
sleeping before the blockade he had made.
For Edmond, however, the days were
much worse, and not because he had to rebuild his barricade after his father
had it torn down while he was away. At least, setting steel traps within the
barricade itself easily remedied that. In an attempt to loosen a board, Louis
poked his hand into a slat and nearly came close to losing his fingers when he
tripped a huge, iron-toothed monster. No one dared to touch the Count's
blockade since then.
What made the days particularly
hellish for Edmond was a certain detective by the name of Albert Herrera. If
before he had simply suspected that the man was tailing him, now Albert no
longer hid the fact. Like a sick puppy, the detective tenaciously pursued him
just as hard as he would a common criminal. But that certainly wasn't the bad
part. Flowers, candy, gifts, revolting rhetorics -- there was no doubt in
Edmond's mind that the young detective was wooing him.
"My beautiful Edmond,
inestimable jewel of the Highlands," Albert once cornered him in the
village square, a bouquet of wild flowers in his hand, "your lovely face
is a twinkling star in the moonlight!"
"Moonlight?" the
nobleman had blurted out. "Have you looked up at the sky? That's the sun
giving your miserable head a sunburn, fool!"
"Edmond, my sweet!" the
detective had then declared undaunted. "Often have I seen your face
reflected on that silvery disk in the night sky!"
Edmond had rapped him on the head
with the bouquet he snatched out of the younger man's hand. As the demon marks
flared up on his brow, he snarled, "It is morning, you idiot! And what do
you mean you see my face in the moon? Are you saying my face is pockmarked?"
"Why? Is that you, my beloved
Gankutsuou?" Albert exclaimed, surprising the demon that was assimilated
in Edmond's body. Retrieving the bunch of roses and fixing them again, he
declared, "Please accept the token of my affection for you and the
inestimable Count of Monte Cristo!"
To Edmond's horror, Gankutsuou
took control of his body and accepted the bouquet, like a coquettish young
maiden.
The next few days, the Count no
longer even bothered to answer to the detective's sickening platitudes, and has
taken to spouting the most offensive stream of curses that would make anyone's
eardrums shatter.
"O Great Monarch of my
Heart!" the detective had exclaimed, falling to his knees, while Edmond
tried in vain to ignore him. The Count was feeding bits of chocolate from the
box of sweets Albert had given him to Baptistin. "My evening brightens at
the sight of your loveliness!"
To this, Edmond's reply was
"!^&$%@#+&@##!!!"
"You flatter me with your
gentle words, precious heather of Paris! How my heart soars that you speak of
me so graciously!"
"???????" Poking his
finger hard at Albert's nose, Edmond had roared,
"&*$%@*^*+!!$##&^@##&*"
Unfortunately for the beleaguered
Count, Father Luigi Vampa happened to be passing by during one such exchange.
Making the Sign of the Cross, the priest was deeply offended by the foul
utterances from Edmond's lips. The nobleman certainly did not stand a chance
against a furious priest. Luigi had dragged him off to Caderousse's bathhouse,
where he washed Edmond's mouth off with soap and lye. To the Count's
mortification, Albert had tagged along and witnessed the whole humiliating
scene.
"Please, Father Luigi!"
the detective begged through tearful eyes. "Do not hurt my beloved! I
cannot bear to see his sweet mouth injured when I have yet to savor those
luscious lips!"
Edmond lost his temper at that
remark. Yelling "@$$####%&***$%++##!!!", the nobleman whacked
Albert on the head with a long-handled brush. That only infuriated Father Luigi
even more that he had scrubbed Edmond's tongue with that same brush and spanked
his bonny behind with his belt. The poor Count couldn't sit up straight or
speak for two full days.
Between the tensions at home and
with the persistent Detective, there were times when Edmond wanted to weep in
frustration. It was only an old sworn oath that he would never cry again
prevented him from shedding tears. But he was terribly exhausted, and he knew
it to be a fact, he was close to losing his mind. Just the shame alone was
nearly enough to convince him to never step foot in Paris ever again. The Count
of Monte Cristo has become the laughing stock of the city. Sometimes, he
wondered why he still persisted in going to Paris. Maybe he was already insane.
One morning saw a heart sick,
weary Count trudging miserably through the market on an errand from Haydee.
Everyone felt the seething emotions simmering within the young man that they
simply obeyed his curt commands and minded their own business. Even Maximilian
and Franz watched the quiet nobleman with concern, fearing that Albert may have
pushed the Chieftain's son over the edge.
As Edmond neared the fruit stand,
basket in hand, the detective suddenly appeared, calling out
"HONEYBUN!"
The Count screamed in shock.
Startled, he fell over backwards, landing on his butt, his basket and its
contents spilling onto the ground.
Albert quickly got down on his
knees before the younger man, a basket filled with round fruits in his hands.
"A gift of fruit for you, my sweet! To keep you in good health!"
Edmond did not answer, panting for
breath, his eyes wide with disbelief. The silence lengthened, stretching out
into a most uncomfortable infinity.
"Edmond?" asked Albert,
suddenly worried.
The tears Edmond tried so hard to
hold started to flow, unbidden, from his anguished odd-colored eyes. Crying out
in anger and misery, he slapped the fruit basket out of Albert's hands.
"When are you going to get it
into your thick skull that I don't want to marry you?" Edmond wept
bitterly, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I swore to myself no other man
will ever claim me for his own! NO MAN WILL EVER TAKE ME AGAIN!"
That outburst was not what Albert
expected. He raised a beseeching hand to the weeping older man. "But
Edmond I..."
The nobleman shoved him to the
ground. Getting to his feet, Edmond cried, "Why don't you just leave me
alone, Albert? I could never love you! Do you hear me? Do you understand what
I'm saying? I COULD NEVER LOVE YOU!" Saying this, the Count fled, sobbing,
from the market place.
Albert was stunned by what had
happened.
"ALBERT!" Maximilian
rushed to the detective's side, Franz behind him. "Are you all
right?"
"What's wrong with him?"
queried Franz. "This is the first time I saw Edmond act this way."
Albert shook his head in dismay.
"I made a grievous error. This should never have happened. He's going to
become even more unreachable now."
"I don't understand,"
said Maximilian in confusion.
"I just realized that there's
a very good reason why Edmond is acting like the hellion you know him to be, a
terrible secret he has kept inside his heart for so long. If I don't act now, I
could lose him forever."
"Albert, my friend! This
time, we have gone too far. Let's just put a stop to this plan."
"I'm certainly not abandoning
him, especially now that I know what he feels for me."
The two men gaped at Albert as if
he were a lunatic.
Franz stammered in bewilderment,
"I guess I must have heard wrong, but I thought Edmond said he could never
love you."
"You heard him correctly,
Franz."
"Then, why...what..."
"Don't ask me to explain, but
I'll need your help tonight." Albert looked at his friends firmly.
"I've never asked you for anything, until now. Can I count on your
assist?"
"Why, of course! We'll do
anything to help you!" Maximilian declared. "But what's going to
happen tonight?"
Albert's mind was filled with the
image of the nobleman's tear-filled face. Breathing in deeply, he answered
softly, "Tonight, I'm going to ask for Edmond's hand in marriage."
~~~~~~~~~~
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