Weight of The World

Disclaimer: I own nothing, not the characters, not money, not a soul, nada. It'd be easier to find a pot of gold then get money from me.



Summary: Tatsuha finally went too far and reflects on how much he has hurt the one’s he loves. He then sets out to prove he is “good enough” for his family and the responsibilities he has had put on his shoulders. But in the end do his loved ones really like this version?



WARNINGS: No like yaoi, no ready, understood. No flames please.





Free Fall



It had been six years since that fateful day and Tatsuha had taken an oath to never think about Nittle Grasper. He had immersed himself so deeply into school and temple duties that he never had to remind himself not to obsess. The only time he seemed to digress was in his sleep, which had started to deteriorate as of late. He made top honors throughout high school and college, never letting himself get less than the highest percentage. He was the highest sought after monk for funerals and had been thinking about expanding to exorcisms and blessings. It would take more lessons but he was willing. He even started thinking about what the perfect bride his father would approve of being. All this was to exterminate the Tatsuha everyone had known and become the Tatsuha everyone wanted. All that was left was his physical self. None of his belongings were to be seen in the temple. Unfortunately there was one potentially fatal flaw to his plan. He started getting ulcers to match his brother’s. He had been successful so far in not telling anyone. He did his own laundry so the maids couldn’t see the blood, claiming it was habit from living in a dorm for so long. Unbeknownst to him, though, his father had called Yuki, Shuichi, Mika, Touma and the rest of Nittle Grasper when Tatsuha’s behavior never seemed to change after awhile.



Tatsuha sweeps the leaves that had blown into the temple from the last storm out. There was a light cool breeze filtering through the windows in the bland spring evening. Hearing several footsteps he turns and bows his automatic response to visitors flowing evenly from his lips. He stands to see a group of people he hadn’t seen in six years, some he hadn’t seen in person ever, staring at him in shock while one was openly admiring him. Tatsuha hesitates before greeting them, “Welcome Seguchi-san, Oni-san. It has been a long time.” His soft, pleasant tone takes his family members for a loop. This was not the boy they remember.



Mika looks into her brother’s calm, haunted eyes in shock. ‘So this it what father was talking about when he said he needed help. This is not the same brother who was willing to sacrifice all to break into NG and see his idol.’ Her eyes harden to glints as she grabs the front of his robes, “Alright, who are you and what have you done to my brother?” Her demands were met with protests from Shuichi and Ryuichi Sakuma. Tatsuha only looks calmly at her as Yuki finally takes a good look at his brother and does a double take. Tatsuha’s hair no longer was a messy mop but down passed his shoulders and tied back in a queue at the base of his neck. His eyes had the calm look of the dead. He was no longer the happy-go-lucky brother that worshipped Ryuichi Sakuma along side Buddha. Now he looked much older and less carefree. It was like looking at what he would have become if he had followed his father’s advice and it was scaring Yuki. It was like the Tatsuha they had known never existed as more than a dream or delusion depending on the person’s current state of mind. Yuki helps Tatsuha get out of his sister’s claws. With a polite nod of thanks

Tastuha gestures to follow him, “Father said we’d be expecting visitors. He’ll be glad to see you. You should come visit more often now that you don’t have to worry about father harassing you about getting married.”



They reach the study where the patriarch sits in contemplation. “Father. Yuki-san, Shindou-san, the Seguchi-sans, Sakuma-san and Nuri-san (change) are here to see you. I will be out meditating by the brook if you need me,” Tatsuha softly replies as he leaves the others to stare at the closed door.



The elder sighs, “Now you understand. I don’t know what happened but he hasn’t been the same since he broke into NG Studios. What happened to my son?”





Tatsuha breathes a sigh of relief as he kneels next to the brook. He had been trying to keep the ulcers from acting up the second he saw Nittle Grasper standing in front of him. He smiles sardonically as he remembers the surprised look on Touma’s face when he didn’t immediately try to attack Sakuma. He had done well with trying to keep from being around any reminder of Nittle Grasper even in college. He had found out that the ulcers acted up around such things. Even if it was a picture or mention of them he’d feel sick. He had never been so happy except on the day he graduated. It meant he could stay in the temple away from outside influences. The temple was both sanctuary and prison for him now.



Though he had told his father he was meditating all he could do was remember the first look at his idol….‘former idol.’ He reminds himself harshly. He feels the familiar burning in his stomach climb up his throat. He leans over the brook and coughs the blood out with as much force as he could. He had to make this bout quick before someone came to see if he was okay. He starts to calm down and wash the blood off when a hand clamps onto his shoulder and his name shouted in his ear. He looks up to see his vision engulfed in the golden tiger eyes of his brother. He knew he looked like hell from the unusual concern in the stoic ones’ eyes. He could still feel the blood on his mouth and chin, his hands still in the water.



Yuki sits next to his brother, pulling out a cigarette, “How long?”



“Six years. It doesn’t happen often, only with reminders.”



“Reminders?”



“Of Nittle Grasper,” he rasps, fighting off the impulse to fall into another bout, “I can’t think of them let alone hear their music or see pictures. I was worse this time since they were standing right there in front of me.”



“So we broke you that badly, huh?”



“This can’t be fixed, Yuki-san. I’m going to do what you said. I’m becoming the ‘good little monk.” I’m supposed to be. I am going to ask Father for a blessing of marriage. I have been thinking about this for a very long time.”



“What? Who are you even thinking of marrying? You don’t even like women!”



“Asuki Kimoru. She is a temple maiden in Kyoto. I met her in college. We have talked and agreed that when I’m ready we would be a good match. We’re friends so it doesn’t make it as bad as it could be. She understands that I need to marry for Father’s sake. She’s from a good family. Father will be proud.”



“But this doesn’t make sense! How can Asuki be okay with a loveless marriage?”



“She’s under the same pressure. She doesn’t like men any more than I like women but she will marry me to appease her father like I will mine. It doesn’t matter what we like or don’t like. Our lives are decided. It doesn’t matter any more. You all have the Tatsuha you want. If you love me, then let go of the old me. I am doing this for everyone.”



Yuki stares at his brother solemnly as he gazes up at the moon. The utter conviction scares him. Night time was the worst for Tatsuha. He could never stop his dreams so he stopped sleeping unless his body refused him for fear of waking up from a mostly forgotten fantasy and blood filling his throat. By now he truly believed that Buddha was punishing him for loving Ryuichi. He feels the onset coming as a slightly blurred image of Ryuichi fills his vision. Oddly enough Ryuichi looked concerned. Blood gurgled from his throat as he falls to the ground, faintly hearing his name called.