Shed My Skin

Hey guys, thanks for the reviews YaoiBK, VioletEyes, Huntedsnark. You guys rock. I'm glad you like it. This chapter is dedicated to you three. Hope you like.

I do not own the song in this chapter, which is 'Denail of Life' by Death.

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Chapter Two

Shuichi got into a cab and gave his destination. He couldn’t believe what had just happened. Yuki told him the three words he had wanted to hear for so long, and what did he do? He flipping walked away. He knew Yuki meant it, but he couldn’t go back. Even though Yuki loved him, what if nothing changes?

What if he gave him another chance? What if after a while it goes back to the way it was, they way he was? What if this is just Yuki scared of losing his convenient fuck hole. Shuichi would gladly give Yuki another chance if he knew for sure that the author was willing to change. Not for him, but for Yuki himself.

He was having trouble coping with a lot of things. But one of them stood out. It was something that happened when he was sixteen years old. He had never told anyone what happened, he had kept it locked inside of him, if only Yuki knew how alike they really were. But now the memory kept replaying over and over in his head, he couldn’t take it anymore. Maybe what happened then, and what’s happening now was what made him finally decide to leave.

Getting out of the cab, he entered the hotel and walked up to the counter. After collecting his key, he walked to the elevator and pressed the call button. As the doors slid open he walked in, as the doors began to close, he gasped as he saw Yuki dash in. Shuichi turned away refusing to look at him. His heart was beating hard and he was having difficulty breathing. Why did being close to Yuki always affect him like this? It was still like the day they had met, the only time he was affected like this when he was around Yuki.

Yuki looked at the younger man beside him, but Shuichi was ignoring him. Now that he was here, he didn’t know what to say. What could he say? He had told him he had loved him, and that hadn’t been enough. But he refused to believe it was over.

Shuichi couldn’t look at Yuki. He knew if he did he would give in. When the elevator arrived at his floor, he walked out and towards his hotel room. Yuki followed him all the way, Shuichi closed his eyes. Maybe it was a good time to talk. Maybe then Yuki would leave him alone.

He walked into the room, leaving the door open. If Yuki wanted to talk, it might as well happen now. Yuki walked in the room, closing the door behind him. Shuichi went straight to the mini-bar and took out two beers. Handing one to Yuki, he opened his and took a sip.

Settling on the bed, he looked at Yuki. The blonde sat on the bed beside him, he felt uncomfortable with the way Shuichi was looking at him. After taking a sip of his beer, he sighed. Maybe it was time to bare his soul, something he had never been able to do before, but if it helped, then he would just have to suck in his pride and do it. Taking a few deep breaths, he began.

“I know I’ve never treated you how you deserved to be treated. I know what an asshole I’ve been to you, but I’ve been trying. I guess I’m still not over the Kitazawa incident, and I know I can’t keep using him as an excuse.” He paused to take another sip from his beer. This was harder than he thought, but he knew he only had one chance to make this right. He would not leave this room without Shuichi by his side.

“You know I’ve never been able to trust easily, and when you first came into my life, it was like I was reliving my past. But you were different. You gave me your love expecting nothing in return, which was something I had never been given before. I guess it was like I was waiting for the catch, but when one never came…I started to fall in love with you, but I know I never showed it. I was still scared.”

After finishing the rest of his beer, he stood and got another one. After lighting a cigarette, he sat back down. “I don’t know if I would be telling you this now, or if I would ever have told you, but I know I don’t want to lose you. You are my whole life, without you, I will be lost. For a while now, I’ve been thinking. I want to live my life and not let Kitazawa ruin it anymore. I want to learn to be myself again, but I can only do that with you by my side.” He cursed himself as his voice cracked. That was all he needed, to cry and show more weakness.

Shuichi had been totally silent, just listening to Yuki talk. It was the longest thing Yuki had ever said to him. He was angry, not at Yuki, but at Kitazawa. That man had ruined Yuki’s life and he would never forgive the bastard for it, but it looked like Yuki was now beginning to open up.

He knew it was probably because he had threatened to leave the blonde, but he would take whatever he would, but he still had to think. What if all this was just some trick to get him back, but he shook his head. Yuki was not that cruel, yeah the man had said hurtful things to him before, but this was different. This was the Yuki he had always wanted to see, his vulnerable side.

He finally turned to look at the man. Yuki had his head bent, his shoulders shaking as he cried silently. Shuichi laid his hand on his back. Yuki turned when he felt the hand on his back. Putting out his cigarette, he met beautiful violet eyes, ones that he had fallen in love with.

When Shuichi held out his arms, Yuki gratefully collapsed into them. Shuichi closed his arms around Yuki and allowed the man to cry on his shoulder. He had never been the comforter before. He closed his eyes, taking in Yuki’s scent. When Yuki managed to get his crying under control, he pulled away. He wanted to kiss Shuichi, but he couldn’t blow the progress he was making. Now that he had bared his soul, it was now Shuichi’s turn.

“Shuichi, maybe it’s time you now told me how your feeling.”

Shuichi remained silent for a moment, before getting to his feet. Opening his bag, he took a packet of cigarettes and a lighter out. He then went to stand in front of the window.

“When did you start smoking?” Yuki asked.

“I haven’t smoked a cigarette since I got signed at NG, Hiro made me quit. He said it was for the best, he said I wouldn’t want to ruin my voice. It was hard, but I gave up. I always carry a packet of cigarettes with me. It’s weird, when I’ve got them with me, I don’t want to smoke, but when I haven’t got them I want to, strange, ne? But I guess one wont hurt.” He took a cigarette out and lit it. The first drag giving him a head rush, but after the next few drags he was used to it. “Even after three years, they still taste good.”

He sighed, it was now his turn to bare his soul. “You know I’ve always loved you, right Yuki?”

“Yes.” Yuki answered. He did know the younger man loved him

“It was love at first sight when we first met in the park. I loved you then, and I still love you now.” He sighed again. “Do you know how long I’ve been hiding my real self?” He laughed slightly. “I guess it’s been too long, I can’t even remember myself. I’m not really bouncy, I don’t usually whine. I did really well at school, I even learnt English. My old self died long before Taki had those guys rape me.”

Yuki closed his eyes. He had always felt helpless when he thought about Shuichi being raped. He was the cause for it, Shuichi had been protecting him.

Shuichi put out his cigarette and lit another one. He was going to finally tell Yuki his biggest secret, a secret no one knew. His parents didn’t know about this, neither did Hiro.

“When I was 14 years old, my cousin who was 27 years old at the time.” Shuichi stopped for a moment, his whole body shaking.

Yuki watched him carefully, why did he have the feeling something bad was going to happen.

“His name was Jin, he was nice at first. He took me places and played with me. I loved him like a brother, but he turned nasty one day. He beat and raped me. I didn’t tell anyone, he said if I did, he would kill me. So I never told, he would visit me every week. It went on for about a year.” He took a few shaky breaths.

“My parents took my sister on holiday for her birthday, but I couldn’t go because I had exams, they promised to take me on holiday if I passed them. So they had Jin to look after me. I had to put up with having him rape me over and over. One night he was drunk, and I had finally had enough. When he stumbled into my room, I was waiting. I had my father’s baseball bat. When Jin turned on me, I hit him. He fell to the floor, and I continued hitting him. I couldn’t stop, over and over I hit him. Getting him back for all the times he hurt me.”

Shuichi collapsed to his knees, holding his head in his hands. Yuki had tears in his eyes as he listened to Shuichi sob. He didn’t know what to do, whether to comfort Shuichi or not. Before he could make up his mind, Shuichi began talking again

“By the time I managed to take control of myself, I had his blood all over me. It was in my hair, dripping down my face. When I looked at Jin, his head was a bloody mess. I knew I had killed him. But, do you know what? I was glad, I was glad I had killed him, he could no longer hurt me.” He stopped talking and held his shoulders, rocking back and forth.

Yuki finally got to his feet and sat beside Shuichi. He just put his hand on the younger mans back, letting him know he was there. It was a lot to take in. The Shuichi he knew was not the real Shuichi. He didn’t feel disgusted to find out the man he loved had killed someone. He felt sorry for Shuichi, who had to go through a year of abuse. He had no idea how Shuichi had stayed so strong, when he had fallen apart and shut everyone out.

“What happened next?” He asked.

Shuichi took a deep breath. “When I realised that I had killed him, I knew I had to do something. So I cleaned myself up, went down stairs and trashed the house. I made it look like a robbery gone wrong. I called the police, telling them that someone was in the house. I then went back up to my room. I took the bat and hit myself a few times. The last hit knocked me out. The next time I woke up, I was in hospital. No one suspected me and that was it.”

Shuichi finally looked up to meet the eyes of the man he loved. He found no disgust in the golden eyes looking at him. When Yuki opened his arms, Shuichi fell into the familiar heat of the older mans body. He would never forget the way the man felt, the familiar smell. Now that he had finally told Yuki his secret, he felt better. It had been eating at his conscience for six years.

“He made me sing this song he liked over and over again. I still sing it now when I’m on my own. I don’t think I will ever be able to get the lyrics out of my head.”

“Can you sing them for me?” Yuki asked, wondering if Shuichi had someone hear them, it might help him, probably not to forget them, but to help him somehow.

“Okay.” Shuichi whispered, still holding onto Yuki.

After a few deep breaths, he began to sing, the lyrics were once again in English. Shuichi’s voice remained just above a whisper.

“In your dreams
The pain is so real
Before the dead
You'll have to kneel
Hear your future screams
See your epitaph
As you scream
The dead they laugh”

Yuki felt goosebumps rise upon his arms. The lyrics were life death themselves. No wonder Shuichi had never been able to forget them. He probably wouldn’t be able too.

“Pain, growing stronger
Life, exists no longer
Welcome, to a world of pain
Death and despair

Denial of life (Vile denial)
Denial of life
Denial of life”

Shuichi did feel a little better as he sang. He had kept this song to himself for six years, only singing it to himself. Maybe sharing them would help him.

“Created by your mind
To overtake your life
Sacrificial suicide
End it with a knife
Much too late
To change your mind
A bloody corpse
Is left behind”

Yuki held Shuichi tighter as he felt the younger man begin to tremble. The song was something he would never want to hear again. He closed his eyes as Shuichi finished the song.

“Pain, growing stronger
Life, exists no longer
Welcome, to a world of pain
Death and despair

Denial of life (Vile denial)
Denial of life
Denial of life”

Shuichi began to sob. It was like a physical release. Sharing the song had made him feel better. He knew he would never be able to forget it, but it had made it easier. He felt totally exhausted. He closed his eyes and he felt himself falling asleep.

Yuki picked up the younger man and laid him on the bed. He was unsure about what to do. He didn’t want to leave Shuichi, but…

“Don’t leave me.” Shuichi whispered.

Yuki nodded and lay down beside him. Shuichi immediately curled up against Yuki, the older man wrapped his arms around him.

Yuki lay awake for a few minutes, hoping now that they had both bared their souls, they could be together like they should have.

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Well, there you go. Hope it was alright! Thanks for reading and please review. Next chapter up soon.