Unbidden Sentiments

Characters/Pairings: Kisarazu Ryou, Atsushi
Rating/Warning: NC-17; incest, violence, non-con, angst

Notes: Unbeta'ed. Still.

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Shielding his grainy eyes against the light illuminating the bright curtains, Atsushi's mind slowly drifted out of slumber and he absently wondered what kind of sick dream he had had. Until he tried to roll off the bed and noticed the knifelike pain shooting up his spine was, in fact, very real. Fuck, this couldn't have been happening, Atsushi thought with widening eyes, wishing he could have postponed waking up for another three weeks. With a creeping feeling of unease tensing his shoulders and settling in the pit of his stomach, he sat up tenderly, careful not to make any hasty movements. His abdomen was on fire, and his ass felt like it had been split in two and filled with needles. It hurt to be on his feet and he nearly collapsed back onto the bed, eyes rolling upward, as he tried to straighten up. There wasn't any way to hide that he was in pain and Atsushi's thoughts spun as he tried to come up with a plausible explanation.

His eyes flew to the door, as the squeaking of the hadle annoucned it being opened. Just as they fell on Ryou, Atsushi froze on the spot, which made the pain even worse. With a small smile and a low "good morning," Ryou approached him somewhat stiffly and Atsushi wanted to back away, to disappear into thin air, anything, but couldn't move. He felt his eyes widen in fear as Ryou came closer and closer, before brushing Atsushi's hair away from his temples and lightly pressing a kiss onto his forehead, nose, cheek... The gentleness took Atsushi by surprise (Why was he doing this? Why now?) and his lips began to tremble as if he were trying to vocalize his confusion, but even if he was going to utter something, they were sealed with Ryou's own. Events of the previous night flashing through his mind like a picture book's fluttering pages in the wind, Atsushi pushed his brother away in disgust and shuffled out of the room, ignoring the pain it caused.

Locking up the bathroom door behind him, Atsushi pressed his back against it to steady himself and let out a shaky breath. What was Ryou thinking? Once his trembling muscles relaxed enough to move, he made his way over to the sink to splash cold water into his face. God, you look like shit, he thought as he lay his bloodhot eyes upon himself in the mirror. His face was blotchy and slightly swollen around the eyes from crying so much yesterday. How was he going to explain this? He scrubbed at his face with his hands in the attempt to block out the memories wanting to be relived. He felt disgusted, dirty and in dire need of a bath.

Pulling open the tab, he let hot water run into the tub, before beginning to clean himself, washing away dried sweat and remnants of seminal fluid. A sense of nausea washed over him at the sight and he scrubbed harder at his stomach as if that could not only effectively erase the evidence on his body but also in his brain. It was shaming to think that underneath it all some part of him might actually have enjoyed the treatment of last night, that he could have been more insistent on fighting Ryou off yet did not want to after all. He shook his head violently, shuddering at this line of thought. Checking the temperature of the water before settling into it, Atsushi hissed in pain the second his bottom came in contact with the hot liquid. It stung terribly, but he told himself this was necessary in order for him to heal. Soaking a washcloth with cold water and covering his eyes with it, he leaned back, trying to soothe his aching muscles and thinking of nothing...

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A little alleviated after the soak, Atsushi sat at the lunch table, wearing his best poker face for his mother and ignoring Ryou next to him. He was considerably surprised how at ease his brother seemed, devouring his yakisoba, as if nothing of consequence had happened under this roof. He would have briefly wondered if everything had been a dream after all, was it not for the uncomfortably sharp soreness he definately did not imagine.

Although his stomach was in knots, Atsushi at the very least attempted to stuff small bits of carrots or noodles past the lump in his throat. To facilitate swallowing, he sipped at his green tea, when his mother suddenly addressed the strange noises she had heard the night before. Atsushi nearly spilled his tea in shock, as his cup rattled against his plate.

"Ah, that is... I... I had a nightmare." Suppressing the urge to let his eyes flicker about, he fixed them on his mother's face instead, nervously expecting her to point out that he was lying or that she already knew the truth. "I'm probably not used to sleeping back at home," he laughed weakly. "Silly, isn't it."

"So that was it. You poor thing, I'll make you something soothing tonight, alright? Frankly, I was a little worried, but I did not want to wake your father by getting up and checking where the noise came from. It could have been anything. You didn't notice, Ryou?"

Chewing on a piece of meat, Ryou slowly shook his head, face carefully blank. "I was sleeping like a baby." Atsushi had always known their talent for poker would be good for something one day.

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That afternoon, they had decided to go eat ice cream with the guys. Favorably so, because Atsushi did not know how long he could avoid Ryou without stepping outside. He doubted Ryou would do anything untoward in front of the door, but in reality, Atsushi did not really want the neighbors to see him running from his brother. Among his friends he could relax, if only a little, and maybe it would be easier to forget Ryou's presence. On the other hand, he was a little afraid of their encounter. His friends were sharp and they might easily suspect something to be brewing between the twins. Atsushi did not want to know what they would think if they found out.

However, Atsushi had known it to be impossible since the morning to cover up all the traces. He had managed to hide being in pain from his mother by only moving when her back was turned or waiting until she was out of the room. The same tactics couldn't be applied to going out and meeting his friends. So when they found they weren't the first to arrive at the cafe, Atsushi mentally prepared himself for any kind of remark. And there it was. Itsuki immediately inquired in that innocently curious way of his why Atsushi was walking strangely to which Atsushi replied he must have hurt his coccyx as he skidded down the stairs on his ass, because he had been in such a hurry. Biting back a laugh, Shudou remarked he would never have imagined Atsushi to be so clumsy and Kentarou, big eyes filled with concern, promised in a serious voice that he wouldn't cling to him that day. Saeki only studied Ryou, who in turn never took his eyes off of his brother.

Bane-san and Davide were mysteriously absent, not that Atsushi paid particular attention to that fact; as long as he wasn't alone with Ryou, he was good. Still, Atsushi nearly jumped out of his skin every time Ryou touched him or, well, anyone did, for that matter. So much for relaxation with his friends. At any rate, Atsushi was glad for the heat to some degree, because it meant nobody thought twice about him sweating. They couldn't know that it was cold sweat.

"You're restless, 'Tsushi. Is there something the matter?" Saeki pricked the bubble of his reverie all of a sudden.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I got a message earlier about Shin-- that is, my doubles partner's mother. She is in hospital and I'm a little worried, since I don't know the specifics." Damn him, but lying through his teeth was becoming easier by the moment. He never noticed the narrowing of Ryou's eyes at the mention of his friend's name.

Neither did he notice when Saeki pulled Ryou off to the side for a private chat some time later, despite the pointed stares thrown in their general direction. No one knew what business Saeki had with Ryou, but the distressed cast around his eyes spoke volumes about the serious nature of their topic. Saeki was never distressed.

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Back in the confines of their home again, Atsushi felt a tiny surge of relief to know his parents were both present. That did only last so long, however, until he remembered he would have to spend the night in the same room as Ryou. He had done so well at distancing himself from any kind of dangerous thought process during the time with his friends that he totally forgot to ask one of them if he could stay overnight. His parents might get suspicious if he returned home from Tokyo only to spend all of his time at friends' places, but he did not want to sleep in his bed, did not even want to enter their room. It reminded him too vividly of what had happened, straying any doubts he might have had about the reality of the occurence from last night.

Little did his mother's peppermint tea soothe him, as she had promised earlier on. He was restless and did not want to fall asleep for afraid he might wake up bound again. The rustling of Ryou's bedding scared him out of his train of thought and he mentally berated himself for not having seized the opportunity earlier to leave, his parents be damned. Atsushi tried to melt into the wall, away from Ryou, as he slipped underneath his cover. Shaking like a leaf, his stomach wound up in knots while his brother ran his hands along Atsushi's arms, petting and cooing to him as if he were an intimidated animal. Frankly, he was intimidated and highly agitated, but his brother didn't do anything, just lay there next to him, stroking his arms, which confused and relieved Atsushi at the same time. Still, this might be a ploy, who knew what Ryou intended, Atsushi reminded himself, even as Ryou murmured sweet nothings that were supposed to calm down the tremors running through Atsushi's body.

It was terribly reminiscent of the old days, when both twins used to cuddle up in one bed together, except that Atsushi dared not move a muscle for fear rejecting his brother might tick him off, but anything else would seem encouraging. And he didn't want either. God, he had never been so afraid in his life, especially not of Ryou and wondered just how he might get out of this mess. He couldn't figure Ryou out for the life of him, it was almost... insane. He did not want to think of him like that, after all they were twins and he loved him, just not the way Ryou wanted him to and why the hell did family bonds have to be so complicated? How was it possible to feel so loyal to someone who frightened you spitless? These and similar thoughts flittered through Atsushi's exhausted mind, until daybreak when he was finally able to drift off...

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He couldn't take it anymore, he had to get out. Ryou had been entirely too sweet to day, from the moment Atsushi had opened his eyes and it was disturbing. In case his parents shift hadn't changed considerably during the time he had been away, they would both be working late today and he didnt want to be alone with Ryou any longer than absolutely necessary. There was nothing to it, but to pack his things and leave. He would think about what to do next when he had the time and above all, nerves. He could either stop by a friend's or go back to Tokyo, though he wasn't particularly keen on either option.

"What are you doing?" he heard Ryou say, an octave lower than usual. Atsushi did not answer nor did he turn around, but his pace faltered for a moment at the dangerous tone, before he threw the rest of his clothes into his bag and closed it hurriedly. Anything he forgot now wasn't important.

Before Atsushi could react, Ryou had stalked over to him and fisted his hair painfully, twisting his head till they were face to face. "I asked 'what are you doing?'" If possible he sounded even more menacing than before.

Alarmed, Atsushi cried out a "let me go" and pushed Ryou away, trying to dash out of the room, but his brother had already caught him in the hallway and slammed him hard against the wall. For a second, black spots danced across his vision as Ryou hissed "You're not leaving me again."

"Dammit, let me go!" Atsushi screamed, frantically trying to wrestle himself free. Whatever Ryou was saying was lost in his mindless and panicked babbling, beseeching Ryou to just let him go... until his head abruptly flew to the side and his cheek began to sting. Effectively silenced, Atsushi managed to blink once in confusion, before Ryou slapped the back of his hand across his face again. "I'm not letting you go back to them." And again.

Ryou then grabbed hold of Atsushi's collar, lifting him off and slamming his head back against the wall. "What is so good about them anyway?" He murmured in murderous tones, fingers curling and uncurling into the fabric around his neck. Atsushi attempted to shove him away and run, but before he managed to take three steps Ryou already hustled him into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Realizing there was no escape now, panic overcame Atsushi and he tried to scramble backwards, as far away from Ryou as possible.

"What made you choose them over me?" Ryou spat as he grasped Atsushi's hair again and slammed his back against the bathtub, ignoring Atsushi's pleas to stop. "Did Mizuki blow you so good? Or was it that dane guy? Did you enjoy becoming their whore?" Each question was punctuated with a punch in his face, a way to vent his anger. Was that aggravated Ryou so much? He tried to scrape together some courage, look straight into Ryou's eyes and deny everything, but that earned him another slap.

"Shut your trap," he practically screeched. "All you've been doing since you came here has been spouting lies and I don't want to hear them!" Ryou's voice rang in his ears and his head swam, until his jaw was seized roughly and pulled forward. Something hard prodded at his lips, trying to pry them apart and oh fuck! He wasn't going to, was he? "Open up, you should have enough experience with this." Despite wordless protest, Atsushi's mouth was then invaded by Ryou's half-hard length and he thought his teary eyes would bulge out of his head if he forced it any further. "I'm sure Nomura loved you sucking him off," Atsushi heard Ryou grit out, while he slobbered all over the insistent shaft pressing in and out of his mouth. "And having your delicious little mouth on his cock." At that, the grip in his hair tightened and Atsushi gagged as Ryou bucked against the back of his throat.

Atsushi thought he was going to die of asphyxiation and he hacked and coughed as Ryou pulled out his glistening wet erection, feeling awfully light-headed, until he noticed his head impacting on the ground and a wave of dull pain wash over him. He could not really tell up from down anymore, he could only tell that he hurt everywhere and then Ryou's hands were on his pants, undoing them and.. wait. Grasping the last shreds of resistance he could find within himself, Atsushi tried to wriggle away, almost choking on his pleas, but his brother held him fast.

"Ryou, please. Don't do this, no please, I'm begging you. I'll do whatever you want, just not this. Please." He whimpered in a small voice, not caring how pathetic it made him sound, he was desperate, he wanted Ryou to stop. But he would not listen, instead he shoved his pants down and then there were warm hands on his behind, spreading his cheeks apart. It sent a sharp jolt of pain up his spine and oh God, no, please, no, Atsushi thought and probably cried out too as he felt Ryou penetrate him, millimeter for painful millimeter. It felt like he was being impaled on a branding iron. Fresh tears spilled over his cheeks as he heard Ryou groan out "Do you beg Akazawa like this, too? Crying out for him to take you like a bitch in heat? That's so low, Atsushi." He hasn't even entered him halfway and yet the white hot pain seemed unbearable.

"You do know that Mizuki wanted me, not you. Don't you?" Shallow thrusts accompanied the spiteful comments, inching himself deeper. "They only kept you for your ass." Atsushi cried out at the sudden jab for emphasis. "And you bitch didn't mind it at all." He couldn't repress the whimpers tumbling from his bruised lips as Ryou kept on pushing into him steadily. God, it hurt so much, he thought he was going to break. "Don't you just love having your hole drilled?" At that, the last inch or so was covered with sharp snap of the hips and Atsushi yelped in surprise and pain, body gone stiff for a moment to accomodate.

"Yes, go on, scream for me. Scream louder than you ever have before." Ryou demanded.

Atsushi could only whimper, shaking his head. "God, Ryou, please stop this." he choked out, voice raw and broken. Atsushi wasn't even sure it carried, he could hardly hear himself for the awkward angle his head was bent at. The bathroom tiles dug uncomfortably into his bruised cheek.

"God isn't going to help you." Ryou chuckled darkly between ragged breaths. "What have you done to deserve His mercy? Do you actually go to church and repent for all the sick and disgusting things you do with Shinya and Mizuki?" Atsushi felt the pressure in his abdomen lessen for a moment, before the searing agony was back.

Oh God, what had he done to deserve this? It hurt, it hurt so bad, Atsushi just wanted it to stop, so why was his throbbing arousal straining achingly against his stomach? He had never engaged in any kind of immoral activity Ryou accused him of, yet he couldn't repress a shiver at the dirty pleasure that pooled underneath the pain whenever his brother rasped all those nonsenical things.

"So tell me, did you like Kaneda's dick in your sweet and oh-so-tight litte ass?" Stressing his point, Ryou smacked his bottom hard before his fingers curled around Atsushi's hips possessively, pulling them back to meet his piercing thrusts, the roughness of his pants and zipper chafing his skin. "How does he do you anyway? Hard and fast..." Atsushi nearly choked on a gasp as his brother rammed his cock ruthlessly into him, before languidly dragging his length in and out of his sore opening "...or sweet and slow?"

Atsushi actually mewled in twisted delight as that special spot inside of him was stroked and prodded, split lips opening and closing mindlessly, as if uncertain what sounds to let slip. Balling his fists at his sides to steady himself, a part of him was ashamed and disgusted for wanting more of the feeling that contorted pain into ecstacy, so he pressed his face further into the blood and saliva-covered floor, ignoring the dull throbbing it amplified. He didn't want this, any of this, neither the intense pain nor the pleasure lurking in its wake, he just wanted this to stop. But all he could do was squeeze his eyes shut to stop the tears and distance himself from the ache in his body, that and sob convulsively. If only it didn't hurt so bad.

Life was funny, wasn't it? Atsushi had always wanted to believe this kind of thing only happened in movies or far, far away from him. Never in his most disturbing nightmares would he have imagined his own brother doing this to him. Funny, indeed...