Loss of Innocence

The mission had gone badly. Very badly.

It had seemed like a routine innocence retrieval assignment. Director Lee had dispatched him and Gramps, just the two of them. It was like old times, back when they first joined the Order. As much as Lavi might rail against the old man, he really did care about him, and Lavi even enjoyed his company when the Bookman wasn’t going off on one of his lectures. Gramps had been the only real point of stability in Lavi’s life, a constant presence since he was six years old.

And now Gramps was lying in a hospital bed, and the Head Nurse told Lavi that there was a good chance the old man might never wake up.

Lavi spent most of every day, now, sitting by his bedside. He held the old man’s hand, praying that Gramps would open his eyes again. The wooden chairs left him sore after hours of sitting, day after day, but Lavi hardly noticed.

It was always worst at night, after the nurse shooed him away and Lavi had to return to his room. His own room now, not the room he had once shared with the Bookman. When he was alone, that’s when the weight came crashing down on him.

Lavi might lose his closest companion, his best friend, his mentor. Gramps was the closest thing Lavi had to a family now. But if all he had to face was the pain of loss, Lavi knew he could endure it. His training had taught him detachment. If he had to let go of Gramps, he knew he could.

But if Gramps died, then Lavi would have to take up the title of Bookman. He had to. There was no one else.

Lavi’s mind trembled at the possibility. His training was nowhere near complete. A Bookman’s apprentice usually underwent at least twenty years of instruction before stepping into the roll. And worst of all, Lavi wasn’t sure if he still wanted to become the next Bookman. His fight with Road Kamelot on the Noah’s ark had shown him how weak his detachment still was. He could endure the loss of Gramps, yes. It wouldn’t break him. But Lavi thought it would probably come close.

How was he supposed to step into the detachment so necessary to the Bookman’s task, recording the world’s secret histories, when he still cared so much for his companions in the Black Order? Allen, with his fierce protectiveness and reckless abandon. Short-tempered Kanda who always made sure to get the job done. And Lenalee Lee, the woman he…

Lavi’s eyes pinched shut, and his breath seemed to catch in his throat. It hurt so much admitting it, even to himself – his greatest failing as the Bookman’s apprentice, his one unforgivable sin.

Lenalee Lee, the woman he loved.

He couldn’t face it. Lavi couldn’t endure another night here in this room, alone with the thought of Gramps dying. Alone with the memory of what he had done with Lenalee, here on this bed, that one night months ago. Oh God, how he wished he could have that night back.

And if I did? Would I have the strength to say no? Or would I just surrender myself to my emotions again?

The memories flooded through his mind, and his cursed Bookman training left them so clear that it felt like he was with her again. He felt the soft textures of her body, so pliant beneath his fingers. He saw her naked, Lenalee’s nipples and her hair the only dark spots against the pale luminescence of her skin. He heard her voice, begging him to stop, begging him to continue, gasping for air as he brought her closer and closer to release. And he remembered the overwhelming scent of jasmine, assaulting his senses and clouding his head. The memory of Lavi’s own pleasure seemed watery and thin compared to his memories of her.

No, he couldn’t face it. Not another night in this room. Lavi bounded up from the bed and snatched his coat from the back of his desk chair. He threw it around his shoulders and stormed out of the room.

Within two minutes, Lavi was regretting his rashness. The cobbled stones of the Order hallways had never been designed for bare feet, and his quickly began to hurt. The warmth of his heated room was very different from cold air that swirled around the interior of the Black Order headquarters. The skin of his bare chest prickled where it wasn’t covered by his exorcist coat. And the memories he’d desperately hoped to leave behind refused to be laid aside so easily.

As Lavi walked, the corridors of the Order headquarters were dark. It was hours past sundown, and the only illumination came from faintly-glowing tubes that the science division had strung through all the hallways, providing just enough illumination for the exorcists to find their way around in the case of a nighttime attack by the Earl or his AKUMA. He walked past the entrance to the science division labs, past the storage lockers that housed all the Director’s experiments. Lavi had no destination in mind. He came to the locked entrance to the medical ward and paused for a moment, listening, but the heavy oak doors were thick enough to block any sound. Lavi walked on. The slow rhythm of his steps provided a small distraction for him to cling to. If he focused on that, the memories and the worries seemed to fade a little.

As he rounded a bend in one of the hallways, approaching the public bath complex that the Director had installed last year, Lavi almost crashed into a dimly-lit figure coming down a connecting corridor. The other was shorter than him, about the right height and form for a woman. She seemed distracted. She didn’t see Lavi until she was just about to run straight into him.

Lavi danced to the side to avoid colliding with her, but the woman gave a surprised cry and lost her balance, falling forward.

Lavi was quick to catch her, one arm encircling her stomach and pulling her up against him. He looked down at her, forcing a soft laugh. “Sorry. Didn’t think I’d scare you like that.”

She turned her face to look at him, her lavender eyes fixing on Lavi. Those eyes hit him like a hammer, and Lavi’s arm fell away from her as if it had been burned. Lenalee.

Her face showed no expression at seeing him. Her lips were a soft line, not smiling or frowning, not even tight with anger as he might have expected. She stared at him for a few seconds, and Lavi found that he couldn’t bring himself to speak. What did he have to say to her? What could he ever say to her, that wouldn’t betray either his heart or his training?

After a few seconds, resolution flared in her eyes and one of her hands locked painfully around his wrist. She marched down the hall, dragging him behind her. “Hey! Stop!” he protested, struggling halfheartedly against her grip, but she ignored him.

Lenalee led him to the entrance to the women’s bath house, slid open the shoji screen, and pulled him inside. She closed the screen behind her and led him into the still-lit changing room, forcing him down onto a wooden bench.

The room was much like the men’s changing room, but there were subtle differences. The tatami reed-mat floors were the same, as were the square cubby-holes that lined one wall, designed to hold the towels and clothing of the bathers. Those cubby-holes were empty now, so late at night. The baths were always open, but it was rare to see anyone in them beyond an hour or two after sunset.

But where the men’s changing room was huge, this room was barely twice as large as Lavi’s own bedroom. Because the Black Order housed far less women than men, he thought absently. And where the men’s changing room was devoid of ornamentation, here one wall was taken up by a long counter and a mirror that reflected the entire room. Elegantly carved chairs sat beneath the lip of the counter at regular intervals, with baskets of face towels and hairbrushes sitting on the countertop above each chair.

The palm of Lenalee’s hand struck his cheek with a loud crack, forcing Lavi’s mind back from its survey of the room. His cheek stung painfully, and he found himself remembering the last time they had been alone together, when she’d attacked him with one of the pillows off his bed.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Lavi?” Her voice was furious. “It’s been three months, and you’ve hardly said two words to me. And now Bookman is in the medical ward, and you’re still ignoring me, still pretending like nothing happened. I came to you when I needed someone to help me get through how I felt after the funeral back when we… when…. Well, why the hell aren’t you asking me to… Damn it, Lavi, why are you so cold!”

Lavi rubbed his cheek and stared at her. What was he supposed to tell her? Of course he wanted to go to her, especially now. Of course he wanted her to comfort him. Lie to him and tell him Gramps would be fine. Let her kiss him and distract him, even if it only lasted an hour or two. And wanting was precisely why he couldn’t let himself go to her.

She continued, not waiting for him to speak. “I don’t know what happened after the funeral. I didn’t really expect…” Lenalee’s voice faltered. “I didn’t expect you to feel the same way about me that I… Not really, anyway… But you told me that when th- the inspector brought me to Hevlaska… you said you were scared to lose me… didn’t you?”

No. He couldn’t face her right now. Not with Gramps lying in a hospital bed, maybe never to wake up. He had to find a way to end this, however he felt about Lenalee. A voice inside him said he was the successor to the line of Bookmen, and he couldn’t throw that all away just for how he felt about one woman. There was more at stake here. The work was greater than any individual Bookman. That had been the first lesson Gramps had drilled into Lavi. If the Bookman fell, his apprentice had to be ready to take his place at a moment’s notice. Too much would be lost if the chain was broken. Too much history. Too much knowledge.

He looked at her. Lenalee stared pleadingly into his eyes, her need for affirmation plain on her face. She looked so fragile, so desperate to hear confirmation of how Lavi felt. And he wanted nothing more than to put her at ease, to tell her he loved her. What he wanted.

His one unforgivable sin. Maybe it wasn’t too late to atone for it.

“I lied,” he said, flashing her a casual smile.

Her eyes widened in shock. Lenalee stumbled back a step, catching herself against the door into the baths. “No…” she murmured, and he heard the breath being robbed from her lungs. “No. I don’t believe you…”

It felt like driving a knife into his own chest, but Lavi had no choice. Not anymore. If only he’d been stronger before. He pushed himself up from the bench and walked toward her. “What? You didn’t really believe what I said back then, did you?” He laughed.

Lenalee slipped to her knees, and he saw the tears swimming in her eyes. “You’re lying,” she whispered. “I know you are.”

Lavi forced himself to grin. “Oh, Lenalee… You really don’t get it, do you? I mean, honestly, what did you expect me to do? You come to my room, you start attacking me, and then you’re kissing me and you’ve got your hands all over me? Did you think I’d pass up an opportunity like that?”

She shook her head furiously. “No. You aren’t like that. I know you’re not.” Her voice was gathering strength again. She was convincing herself that she was right.

Lavi winced. He didn’t know how much longer he could do this to her. It hurt him at least as much as it hurt her, but it had to be done. He could be the new Bookman tomorrow, and he couldn’t afford to have this hanging over him. “I’m not like that? What do you know about me, Lenalee? What do you know about any man? You said you were a virgin, when I fucked you after the funeral.”

She flinched at his words, but her retort was hot and angry. “Well, maybe I lied about that, too! Did you ever think of that, you bastard?”

He gave a derisive snort. “Oh, don’t make me laugh. Of course you were a virgin. No one could be that bad a lay unless they’d never been fucked before.” How the hell could he be doing this to her? It felt like he was tearing his soul out. He cursed himself, for accepting the invitation to become a Bookman, for falling in love with Lenalee, for all the mistakes that brought him to this.

Lenalee flinched again at the casual brutality of his words. “…was I really that bad?” She was beginning to cry, now, and her words were back to a breathy whisper. Thank God. Maybe he could finish this and leave. Lavi had no idea where he would go, but he didn’t think he could stand to be in this room with her for more than another few minutes. Seeing Lenalee like this was just too painful.

She pinched her eyes shut and shook her head again. The tears flew off her cheeks and almost seemed to sparkle in the air. “No. You liked it. You enjoyed it just as much…” She blushed, and her words quieted. “Just as much as I did. I know you liked it.”

“Of course I liked it,” Lavi scoffed. “It’s sex, Lenalee. Even when it’s bad, it’s good. You really think I was going to turn you down, once you showed me you were ready for a good ride?

“But you… I know you… You were… fulfilled, right?”

“I was ‘fulfilled’?” He snickered, cursing himself as he did. “I got off, if that’s what you mean. Did you feel me come inside you, then? I didn’t think you’d notice, since it was your first time.”

Lenalee cupped her hands over the small mound between her legs. “But… but you… came. That means something.”

“I’m a man, Lenalee. I’d wind up ‘fulfilled’ from fucking a dead fish. And believe me, you weren’t that much better. It’s just a good thing you didn’t get knocked up. That would have been a bit hard to explain.” He laughed again, and the cruelty in his own voice made him quiver.

Lenalee’s head fell, and her shoulders shook with silent sobs. Lavi hated himself for doing this, but what choice did he have? He needed to convince her that it was all meaningless. He couldn’t let her think he really cared about her, especially since he did. He’d done his best to avoid her ever since the funeral, but it had gotten harder every day. Lavi knew he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back forever, not unless she really wanted nothing to do with him. Not unless he did everything in his power to make sure Lenalee never wanted to see him again, for as long as she lived.

He stared at her for a few minutes, taking a last look before she left his life for good. He tried to fix her image in his mind, this image of Lenalee on her knees, crying. This was the price of becoming a Bookman. This was the price of falling in love.

As he was still staring at her, she turned her head up to look at him. Her eyes begged him to tell her that it was all a lie, that he really did care about her. Lavi couldn’t bear to look into those eyes. He forced disgust onto his face and turned his back on her. “There’s no point in crying over it, Lenalee. It’s not like I didn’t get you off. Don’t blame me if you can’t deal with what comes after. This is how the big girls play.”

Lavi heard her trying to form words, but the sobs stole her breath away and she couldn’t force herself to speak. Lavi sighed, and stepped to the door that led back out into the hallway.

He heard a crash, and a hand closed over his shoulder. In surprise, Lavi turned and found himself staring one last time into the fierce, tear-filled eyes of the woman he loved.

“No. I’m not going to let you do this, Lavi.” Her voice was brittle, but backed by the courage he so admired in her. Why did she have to choose now to show off that courage? “There were two of us in that room, and you can tell me whatever you want, but I know what I saw. I know what I heard. You didn’t just enjoy… It wasn’t just sex. You were making love to me. You can’t fake that. You care about me, damn it, and I won’t let you get away with lying about it. Because I’m in love with you, and I’m not going to let it end like this!”

Lavi felt tears forming in his own eyes. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t keep lying to her, not when she fought back so hard. He couldn’t face her like this, strong and courageous. He felt cornered, and he hated himself for what he knew he’d have to do.

“You think I can’t fake that,” he whispered dangerously. “You think I care about you? You’re another notch in the bedpost, you little bitch, and if you don’t believe me, then I’ll show you.”

With his hand, Lavi chopped at the fifth vertebra below the base of her skull. Lenalee’s eyes rolled up into her head, and she crumpled to the tatami floor like a rag doll. Lavi was thankful that he managed to stave off his own sobs until after she was already unconscious.

--------------------------------------------

There was a moment of disorientation as Lenalee awoke. She felt uncomfortable, and she had a hard time recognizing her surroundings.

Had she passed out? What had she been doing? She had decided to take a late-night bath, one of those little pleasures she afforded herself from time to time. No one ever used the baths at night, so they were all hers. She would just sit and relax, letting the hot water wash around her. And sometimes she would close her eyes and think about Lav-

Oh God. Lavi. She met Lavi in the halls. She pulled him into the baths. Oh God. It started just like her fantasies, her and Lavi together in the bath house. And she would demand to know why he had been avoiding her. And he would give her some noble speech about honor and propriety, and how Komui would be sure to find out. And then she’d kiss him, and tell him how stupid he was being. And then their clothes would be all over the floor, and she could never decide whether he’d make love to her in the baths, or if he’d just take her right there in the changing room.

So she met him in the halls. She pulled him into the baths. She confronted him, and then it all went to hell. The memories flooded back, and she felt like she was drowning in them. All her fantasies were just that, childish fancies. Lavi never wanted anything more than one night of sex, and he said even that had been awful. Of course he was avoiding her. Why would he want to spend any more time with a woman who couldn’t give him what he wanted?

With the memories, her senses started to return. Her eyes came into focus, but she wasn’t really sure what she was seeing. Two thick black bands with many thin yellow strands running perpendicular to them? She heard a rustling, and a fainter sound that might have been running water. Was she still in the changing room? Yes, and she was staring at the gap between two tatami mats.

Lenalee felt her arms resting behind her back. She tried to push herself up from the ground, and felt a stabbing pain as one of her shoulders came close to popping out of joint. She tried to move her arms again, but they wouldn’t budge. Something chafed around her wrists. Rope? Oh God, was she tied up? And… naked? A sickening thought came to her, just for a moment – but no, Lavi would never…

“Good. You’re awake,” a voice growled. “Then you’ll be able to enjoy this just as much as I do.” The voice laughed cruelly. She remembered that laugh, though she wished to God she’d never heard it. She knew who the voice belonged to. She knew, but she didn’t want to admit it. Already, Lenalee felt tears forming in her eyes.

A hand snaked around her waist and hauled her up. The other hand twisted itself into her hair. She felt herself turned toward the changing room’s wall of mirrors and counters.

“La-” She choked, trying to say the name. “Lavi, please. I don’t want… Please don’t do this.”

He gave a shove, and she stumbled forward. Unable to catch herself, the lip of the counter slammed into her bare stomach, making her cry out in pain. “Do you still think I give a damn about what you want, Lenalee?”

She raised her head, staring into the mirror and trying to see his face. Lavi looked cold and hard, unlike any time she’d seen him before. He hardly looked human. “You can’t do this, Lavi.” She was pleading, she knew, but Lenalee didn’t know what else she could do. “This is wrong. I don’t want… I don’t want you to…”

Lavi strode to the counter and tangled his hand in her short black hair again. He pulled, forcing her neck back so she could look up at him through the mirror. “What don’t you want me to do? Say it.”

Lenalee mewled helplessly, her eyes pinching closed. She gave a small shake of her head, trying to keep from having her hair pulled.

“I told you to SAY IT!” Lavi’s voice was loud and angry, now. A shiver ran through her body, and she found that she couldn’t hold the tears back any longer.

“I don’t…” A sob welled up in her throat, but she fought it down. This was no time to be weak, she told herself. “I don’t want to have sex with you Lavi.” She didn’t know how else to say it.

“Oh, is that all?” His voice was suddenly soft and gentle. She opened her eyes again to look at him, but this time her eyes didn’t reach his face. She saw that Lavi was naked, too, and standing right behind her now. “Well, it’s just too bad,” he said. “I don’t get what I want, either.” For a moment, Lenalee thought she heard pain in his voice.

Lavi took hold of her wrists, forcing them up into the air. The pressure forced Lenalee’s shoulders onto the countertop, and her head was slammed down. Lavi pushed her wrists as far up as they would go, until the pain was almost too much to bear. She cried out, and heard him laughing darkly behind her.

He swept his foot between her legs, kicking them outward until she stood in a straddling position. Her left foot clattered against one of the wooden chairs beneath the counter, and she felt a sharp pain in her little toe. Lenalee’s chest pressed hard against the countertop. The marble surface was cold, and she could feel her nipples pebbling at the unwelcome sensation. No. She didn’t want to feel. She wanted to run away. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. Lavi would never do something like this.

Suddenly, Lenalee felt a moment of pressure, something pressing forward between her legs. Oh God, no. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening. With a sick squishing sound, Lavi slid all the way inside her, the tip of his cock crashing against the end of her tunnel. It hurt. Oh God, but it hurt. Sobs shook her body from head to toe. She couldn’t breathe.

But… Oh God. It was Lavi, inside her again. He thrust powerfully, in and out, in and out, like a jackhammer. His legs slapped against the sensitive skin of her ass. Lenalee sobbed helplessly. Oh God, why did it have to feel good? She tried to choke back the moan she felt rising in her throat, but a small gasp still made it out between her sobs.

This was not what she wanted. Of COURSE this wasn’t what she wanted. Lenalee tried to force her feet back together, tried to force herself to stand, to push Lavi out of her. This was her body, only hers. If she wanted to give it to Lavi, that was one thing, but this… this was rape.

She almost forced herself up from the counter, until he slammed a fist into the small of her back, knocking her down again. Her entire body quivered at the punch, and she felt the walls inside her twitching around his length. He thundered in and out of her, over and over again, even as she struggled, and oh God, why did it have to feel good? Why couldn’t it hurt more? Why couldn’t she just be angry? Her insides were starting to turn wet. He slid into her more easily now, and each thrust was accompanied by a moist slurping sound. Waves of shame rolled over her. She would NOT enjoy this. She hated this. Why was her body reacting like this? She wanted him OUT. She remembered how wet he’d made her the first time, after the funeral. She had felt like a dam, ready to burst. There had been wetness spilling down her legs, as he thrust into her, as he stared deep into her eyes and-

With a gasp, her eyes shot open. No! This was nothing like what they had done together after the funeral! How DARE she remember that! But he was working in her like a fiery piston, his cock scraping the walls of her pussy, and it felt amazing. She didn’t want him to stop. But no, he HAD to stop! This was wrong. This was wrong, this was wrong, this was wrong. The words echoed in her head like a mantra. She clung to them precariously, trying not to feel the powerful sensation of Lavi’s cock ballooning her insides.

And then, without warning, the terrible drumbeat ceased. With a final squelch, his entire length slid out of her. Lenalee gasped in relief, and little scraps of laughter mixed with her sobs. She survived. It was over, and she was still here, and she kept herself from surrendering to the pleasure she never should have felt.

Lavi slapped a hand against her ass, again causing her to wail at the pain. “Don’t you dare think we’re done,” he growled. “We haven’t even started.”

With his right hand, he reached down and cupped her sex. Lavi slid a finger, then two, then three inside her, and they made a cupping motion, scouring her walls. It was painfully tight, having three fingers inside her – much tighter than his cock felt. Lavi removed the fingers, and traced them up to the soft pink bud that marked the entrance to her ass. The fingers left a trail of her wetness, and then he was rubbing them over that tight little hole. No. He couldn’t do this to her. It was wrong, and it was dirty, and oh God this was so humiliating. She couldn’t even see him, couldn’t even see what he was doing. She was just like a doll to him, a thing to play with. A notch in his bedpost, he’d called her, but that felt so much more dignified than this. At least she’d had a choice, then. Even if she’d wasted that choice, even if she’d believed his lies.

But this? A sob ripped through her, and for a moment she couldn’t find her breath again. Now she was just a toy for Lavi to play with. A thing that he could fuck until he came, and then throw away like garbage. She couldn’t even look at him, and why did that hurt her so much? Why did she want to see the face of the man that was raping her? The sobs shook her body. Her knees trembled, and she knew she didn’t have the strength to try fighting back again. He had broken her. If he discarded her like trash, what right did she have to argue with him?

He slipped his index finger inside her ass, and she whimpered at the feeling. The finger slid in easily, despite how she tried to hold herself closed. Her own wetness was on his finger was like oil, lubricating his movements. Then the index finger slid out, and Lavi replaced it with his middle finger, twisting inside her. Finally, he removed the middle finger and inserted his ring finger, spreading the last of her own wetness around the inside of her ass.

Lenalee clenched and unclenched her hands, still tied together and held above her head. She knew what was coming next. Her voice was hoarse from her sobs, and she just couldn’t stop them. They reverberated around the room like an animal sound, and she heard her own raw terror in those echoes. The marble countertop was warming to her body heat, but her nipples were still hard. Another failure for her, another sign that she couldn’t keep herself from feeling pleasure at Lavi’s touch, no matter how much she despised herself for it.

His cock almost seemed to throb as he touched the head of it against the soft bud of her hole. And then with one powerful thrust, he was all the way inside her. All the way. She screamed. Oh God, it was pain like she’d never felt before. She didn’t know how she could endure it. It felt like she was going to split in two, like someone had shoved a knife inside her and was trying to hack their way up into her belly.

And then he began to pound back and forth, slipping out as far as the head of his cock, which refused to slide past the ring of muscles that controlled the entrance to her ass. Those muscles were strained to the breaking point, as he glided in and out. It chafed for the first minute or so, but as her own wetness spread through her, Lenalee found that the pain lessened. Oh, how she hated that. She had finally found pain, found something to hate him for, found a way to escape the fact that it was Lavi who was… who was raping her. Here, in the heart of the Black Order. Her eyes stung from the constant stream of tears. She had never cried like this in her life, not even after her failed attempt to run away from the Order. Her cheek, pressed against the marble counter, was resting in a growing puddle of her tears. Her throat burned like fire, scraped raw by a constant stream of sobs and screams.

Lavi released her wrists, and bound together, her arms crashed down against her spine. She tried to draw new breath into her lungs, raising her head from where it had been forced against the counter, but between her sobs she just couldn’t find enough air.

His hands closed around her thighs, and his fingers bit deep into her skin. Pain. “Aaaaah!” she screamed. There was no gentleness in his hands. There would be bruises on her thighs when this was done. She could see them in her mind, deep purple blotches staining the whiteness of her skin, ten points of pain spread across her thighs. His hands gripped her like a vise as he pumped into her, over and over again, over and over again.

Lenalee tried to crane her neck back, tried to see him in the mirror’s surface, the man she had thought she… the man she had… Why did she want to look at him? His legs continued to pound against her ass with each of his deep strokes inside her. Lavi didn’t care, didn’t even want to see her face while he fucked her. Why did she care about seeing him? Impossibly, the fingers gripping her thighs tightened. She cried out in pain, between the sobs, but her voice sounded hollow and beaten. She hardly had enough breath left to cry. She thought she was going to die, to suffocate on her own tears.

And she did see his face, then. Cold, and emotionless, and brutal, his mouth twisted in a sick grimace. He met her gaze in the mirror.

“Do you see how little you mean to me now,” he grunted between thrusts into her ass. “Do you see how little I care about what you want?”

She opened her mouth, trying to find a response, but all that came out were sobs. Her whole body shook with them. Her stomach fluttered against the countertop, and she wished so much that her arms weren’t bound. Not so she could fight back. She could never fight back now. Maybe never again. Just so she could hug them to her chest. She felt so exposed, with her shoulders forced back.

Soundlessly, Lavi gave one final thrust and exploded within her. Lenalee could feel his cock throbbing through the ring of muscles at the entrance to her ass. It felt like a heartbeat, as he came inside her, a steady pulse as his cock emptied itself into her. She felt no relief when he pulled out this time, just a dull ache inside her.

One last time, he tangled his fingers in her hair and forced her head back, meeting her eyes in the mirror. “That’s what you mean to me, Lenalee. You’re a waste of breath. Stay away from me. I’m tired of fucking a little girl who can’t do anything but whine and cry.” He released her, and Lenalee’s chin clacked into the marble countertop, knocking her teeth together. She saw him gather his clothes from the floor and walk casually out into the hallway, never sparing her another glance.

Still sobbing, her knees unable to support her now, Lenalee slid off the countertop and fell to the floor like a limp rag. She WAS a waste of breath. Why had she ever thought he could care about her? Every inch of her body hurt.

“This wasn’t what I wanted…” Her voice was a hoarse whisper. And then she laughed. No, it wasn’t what she wanted, but why should that matter? Who was she, to be allowed to want anything? Wasn’t this just what she deserved, for believing that someone could love her back? Tears streamed down her cheeks, soaking into the tatami mat beneath her, but her sobs slowly changed to laughter. She was nothing, worthless, LESS than nothing. What right did she have to her fantasies about Lavi? What right did she have to anything?

And there was a greater shame, a greater humiliation, something Lavi’s brutality never could have done to her. She knew, even now, that she wanted him to do it to her – to rape her – all over again.

She was still there, bound and bruised, naked and laughing, when Miranda came in for her morning bath.