Uesugi Pride -Working Title-

Author’s Notes: Alright, I apologize if my smut is not up to snuff, but I always think my smut is bad, so whatever. Not too much of it anyway. Please rate and review and I will love you forever. And no, before you ask, I am not leaving it here forever, it will be updated soon-ventually.


Uesugi Pride

Chapter Two: Ride the Tiger


The next day was a Saturday, if I recall correctly, and as such I had no reason to leave the house. Most of the day I spent in contemplation, simply enjoying the silence of my room. I kept my mind from my appointment with Kagetora, thinking about such things only led to unrealistic expectations and hopes. I will admit that even now I cling to such things as a drowning man to a life preserver; but is it not sometimes better, to gaze upon a mirage than an empty desert plane? To imagine him holding me as I knew he never would?

If not for such unfounded hope I would not be writing this now, reader. I would not have the will nor the motive to do so.

I waited until eight o'clock before I finally left, arriving at the hotel nearly half an hour later. I was not late, I wouldn't dare to have been, knowing that it was Kagetora-sama who would be waiting for me rather than only Takaya. I had braced myself for the worst, for the humiliation and pain of being chastised by my lord for nothing but a momentary loss of composure; my rational mind, however, had little control over my body.

I took the elevator to the fifth floor and stepped out into the hall, turning and walking slowly to his door. I tried the handle and found it to be locked before reaching into my coat pocket and unlocking the door with the spare key I had been given several weeks prior.

I slipped inside the suite, more like a small apartment, and closed the door behind me. The living area of the suite was empty, the lights turned out. For a moment I thought Takaya had, perhaps, forgotten the time or else that something more important had come up. Kagetora wouldn't have done so without warning me, but Takaya often acted on rash impulse; he wasn't above forgetting me and I had no reservations about thinking such.

I was about to turn on the light and look for a note when I heard a voice, his voice, from the room beyond. He called my name, no more, and I made my way to his bedroom door. I hesitated for a span of about ten seconds before I entered. I had never been invited into his bed chambers before, not by him, willingly. I felt as though he were toying with me, indulging the more sadistic side of his personality, by speaking to me there. It was cruel, and made only more excruciating by the realization that Takaya's voice had taken on the steely tones indicative of Lord Kagetora's memories being at the forefront.

I opened the door to find Kagetora, dressed informally in Takaya's usual blue jeans and half buttoned shirt, barefoot, and sitting cross-legged on the bed. I closed the door behind myself and stood expectantly.

“Sit, Naoe.” He commanded me, further reinforcing my feelings that I was no more to him than an erring hound. I glanced around the room, noting there was nowhere to sit other than the bed. I quickly came to the conclusion that he was torturing me, again; punishing me for what I had allowed to happen in my kitchen the night before.

I held back a sigh and sat cautiously at the edge of the bed across from him, not allowing my mind to conjure the images that were already surfacing at the edges of my subconscious. My body, I restate now, was not controlled entirely by my conscious mind. As I sat near my lord I had to attempt to hide a barely controlled shiver of anticipation for something that I was sure would not occur.

From his lighthearted chuckle I knew he had missed nothing. Kagetora-sama had always noted my every action; a tiger never overlooks the movements of his prey. Perhaps even without the Tiger's Eye I would still have thought of my Lord Kagetora as such. Kagetora was in every way like one of the majestic beasts; Strong, sure, independent, beautiful, and yet somehow still an undeniable force of power and will. Both creatures of animal grace and magnetism, both feared and respected, both intense and effective predators, never ceasing until their prey is brought down with one, final, crippling strike.

“Why did you wish to see me, Kagetora-sama?” I asked, wanting to get down to business as soon as possible. As much as I loved him I could scarcely stand the hatred I could feel that he harbored for me. He was not pleased with me, though the look in his eyes spoke volumes to the contrary. I had known Kagetora long enough to accurately gauge his mood.

“I want to know why, Naoe.” He said, tilting his head slightly to the side, as though contemplating me, like a tom cat with a mouse under-paw. I hesitated again, unsure of what response would please my lord. I knew he was referring to my outburst the day before, but surely I had told him this enough times in the past that he could now sense my motives? I couldn't understand how he could have known me so little after we'd been together for many lifetimes and I will admit I still cannot.

“Why, after so long, do you persist...?” It was not the question I was expecting. I had anticipated being interrogated about the events of the previous night, but I hadn't been expecting this. I had learned not to expect it. It was an attempt at understanding, and though that might seem like very little to you, reader, it was more than I could ever have hoped for.

“Well... It's because...” Now that I had the opportunity I found myself reluctant to speak the words. I had said it to him before, confessed my love for the man, but there was something about this situation; something about sitting alone with him in his bedroom, in an intimate setting, that made it seem so much more final. I felt nothing of the surrealism I had in my past attempts to tell him what he meant to me. On the contrary, everything seemed almost too real. As I look back I wonder if, perhaps, the feeling had been a warning of the gravity of the situation I now faced. Maybe I'm only looking for a way to blame myself further; I will never know.

“Go on, Naoe...” He encouraged, as though he didn't know what I was going to say. I was too nervous at the time to pay any heed to the amused tone his voice had taken, too involved with the way my mind was reeling, trying to plot all the possible twists this path could take us through. Most of what I saw excited me beyond words, and the few negatives I disregarded as creations of my own insecurity.

“I love you, Kagetora-sama...” I had dropped my eyes during the first part of my confession and now that I had finally said it I could only gaze fiercely into his eyes and pray that he accepted my emotions. I knew he did not feel the same for me, though Takaya had come to love me in a way. I could see in his eyes that he felt something for me, but before I could positively identify it he altered his expression to one of casual amusement.

“So I've heard...” He grinned then, actually grinned and I almost felt as though I should see the canines of a wild cat “I am trying to discern, Naoe, why you think you love me...”

“Think I love you...? Do you doubt me...?” My muscles tensed and my eyes narrowed as I responded to my lord's callous inquiry. I could feel my voice threatening to break and I lowered it an octave to keep it steady, wanting nothing more at the time than to not appear weak in front of this man, this predator, seated before me. The smell of blood only makes a beast all the fiercer.

“I know you believe it, you've left no room to doubt that, but why? Why me, a man, and your elder?” If I hadn't already known it was Kagetora that would have left little room for skepticism, considering the body of the boy was at least eight years younger than my own. Takaya never spoke in terms of our true ages. I simply shook my head, unable to explain four hundred years of longing in a few words as he obviously expected me to do.

“Come on, I'm giving you the chance you keep asking for, are you going to pass it up? I want to understand...” His manner had grown more serious, as he crossed his arms over his chest and stared at me, through me. It was a bit disconcerting to hear Kagetora speak the way Takaya did. I tried desperately to think of them as two separate entities back then, and whenever I realized Takaya was still present during these moments it made it all the harder to face the boy on a day to day basis. He may have been Kagetora, but he was not truly my master, not entirely, and he never would be in that life. Yet another price to pay for sealing off his memories.

“Do you? Do you really, Takaya?” I noticed a brief flicker in his aura as well as in his eyes when I spoke the name of the boy for the first time that night. It nearly caused Kagetora to leave me then, to hide behind the persona of 'Takaya Ougi'. I shook my head and looked away from him, loathing him for being such a coward, and myself for not wanting to realize it. I still don't know which prompted him to forget, the love we shared or the hate we hold on to, and I may be better off without the knowledge.

“Yes, Naoe...” He assured, uncrossing his arms. I returned my gaze to his direction only to find that he was looking at me just as intently as I was at him. I thought about it for a few moments and then finally spoke, slowly, giving my thoughts time to materialize into something more coherent than the flood of images and emotion his question had provoked.

“It is very difficult to explain... Simply being near you... I feel as though you are the only important thing in this world or any other.” I looked away for a moment then back as he made a motion for me to continue, “I want to feel close to you, you are all that matters to me, all that I care for, all--” He interrupted me then, speaking over me, his tone once again amused.

“When did it start?” He asked.

“The moment I met you, Kagetora-sama...” I sighed in frustration, knowing my answer was not what he wanted to hear at the same time that I knew it was the truth.

“When did it start... Hurting, Naoe?” That question I could answer much more easily, it was specific enough to bring to mind a single moment in time, the moment that I first realized I wanted him, and that I could never have him.

“Three hundred and fifty years ago, on the field of battle. I looked to you for reassurance and found that you had been wounded. It occurred to me that day... That if I was to lose you I couldn't carry on. I would cease to function. Then the casual touches, focusing only on your safety in battle, standing just slightly closer than was necessary... I thought... I thought it would just end there.” I looked at him hopelessly, seeing in his eyes something that could only be described as morbid fascination.

“But it didn't.” He urged, his voice like steel once again. It was too late to stop this, and even if I could it was too satisfying to have him giving me this kind of undivided attention. It was selfish and masochistic, but I wanted to feel his eyes on me. I wanted to feel like I was the center of his world, if only for a few moments, as he was mine eternally.

“No... It wasn't enough... I wanted you... to...” I couldn't continue. I felt tears coming to my eyes and I longed to look to Kagetora, thinking he had to understand now just how much anguish I had endured through these years for him, but I knew my eyes would be met by that same cold gaze.

“Look at me, Naoe...” I did as I was told and I did so to find only what I had expected; Kagetora's distant stare. I blinked to clear the tears from my eyes so I could continue but before I could go on he spoke again.

“You have permission to touch me.” His tone was the same, clinical and uncaring. I should have realized then that nothing had changed but after four hundred years of waiting it suddenly felt like a single minute would be enough to destroy what was left of my sanity. Still, I hesitated, thinking that I had misunderstood him; that he was merely granting permission to continue the innocent advances I had been making for decades now. I looked into his eyes, trying to convey my disbelief...

He uncrossed his legs and sat on the edge of the bed, moving to sit next to me. I looked away from him, ashamed of what I wanted to do, knowing that if I looked at him I wouldn't be able to restrain myself any longer.

I saw his hand only a split second before I felt it. His touch was soft and cool as he caressed my cheek and turned my head to face him, with a firm but gentle grip on my jaw. Only then did I realize I was blushing slightly. His skin was a pleasurable contrast to my warm and tear streaked face, and I inhaled deeply, taking in the inexplicable but pleasant scent I had come to recognize as something distinctly and fundamentally his.

“Lord Kagetora...?” I looked into his eyes and he into mine. His emerald gaze pierced my very soul and I knew he was trying to read my face for some sign of emotion other than what I was showing him, but I hid nothing from him. I was his, body and spirit, what could I hide from the one who had rights to my very soul?

He leaned forward then and our lips met. The kiss, regrettably, was not passionate or deep, it just was. He pulled back almost immediately, keeping our first true kiss chaste and eliciting an almost imperceptible whimper from me. I wrapped my arms around him and he returned my embrace, rubbing my back in a way that was more comforting than it was sexual.

Tenuously I bent down to recapture his lips, reveling in the feeling of finally having him, of finally being able to prove my devotion to him in ways I'd only done in my most arousing fantasies. It was nirvana, but I wanted more and intended to have it that night, though whether or not he intended to give himself willingly had yet to be seen.

I leaned into him, getting a bit over-zealous in the heat of passion. Rather than unbalance he laid back. Our kiss broke and he smiled up at me, probably finding the look on my face humorous. No doubt it would have been a gross understatement to say I was enthusiastic. I assumed he would change his mind at any moment and I was going to take advantage of his willingness while I had the opportunity.

I took off my coat, tie, and shirt, disposing of them on the floor at the foot of the bed, and kicked off my shoes. He watched in silence, moving only to reposition so his head was at the top of the bed instead of off to one side. At his prompting I turned off the lamp before returning to him.

I joined him a moment later, lying on the bed next to him. He turned onto his side to face me and we picked up where we'd left off, neither of us taking control of the kiss, myself wanting him to do so and he most likely testing me to see what I would do. Finally I gave in and allowed my teeth to pull softly at his bottom lip. I panted when we broke apart, only then realizing I had undone the buttons on his shirt.

“Don't be gentle, Naoe...” He whispered, wiping away my tears. I hastened to obey, if confidence from me was what would please him then it was what I would give. I couldn’t help but wonder then if he would have said the same before, or if this desire to be dominated was something new, something particular to Takaya. It didn’t matter then, and truth be told does not even now.

I maneuvered one leg over him, tentatively, as we kissed again. He broke the kiss and I moved to a sitting position astride him, pinning him to the bed below me. I couldn't help but feel as though he were planning to turn this against me, to somehow make me feel inferior to him. I knew it was likely, but it had gone too far for me to stop. As ever, I was weak, and though Kagetora-sama made no move to mention such, it was still painfully apparent to me.

I rested my hands on his shoulders, pressing my weight against him so he could scarcely move, and gazed into his eyes. I saw no sign of displeasure, nor of anything but perhaps a vague fascination. My love would never be anything more than a game to him and the thought in itself was enough to fuel the aggression he desired.

I leaned in and traced his jawline lightly with my tongue, stopping to nibble at his earlobe. I got no reaction save for a slight turn of his head; permission, I assumed, for me to continue. Trailing gentle kisses down his neck, throat, and chest I breathed a husky sigh as I felt the bulge underneath me give a faint twitch. Even if he was trying not to react to me, his body was doing fine on it's own.

He wrapped his arms around me, one hand stroking my lower back and the other tangling itself in my hair. My mouth found it's way to one nipple and I sucked at it for a fraction of a second before taking it between my teeth, flicking at it eagerly with my tongue before finally biting down, drawing a moan of approval from my lord as he roughly shoved my head down harder.

Self-assurred by his reaction I shifted my weight to my knees and, lifting up slightly, lowered my had between us and rubbed at the bulge in Takaya's jeans. He moaned again, and this time I thought I might have heard my name. It was exhilarating and unbelievably erotic to even imagine him speaking my name in that tone, his voice rough and low in the heat of passion. Then he spoke again...

“Mmm... Enough, Naoe.” It was obvious the words took him a great deal of effort to speak. I tried to question, in my mind, what he meant, but I already knew. I knew from the start that he was tormenting me, and to this day I'm surprised that I was so shocked and distressed by what he said.

“Kagetora-sama...?” I hoped he would say something, anything, other than what I was expecting, but for the second time that night I proved to myself how well I knew the man, the creature, that I loved so dearly.

“Get off of me.” I did as I was told, too afraid that I'd done something wrong, and hurt by his sudden rejection to even consider doing anything else. I stood by his bed, in the dark, waiting for some other command from him; feeling that at least an explanation would follow.

“Leave me, Naoe.” How, after all that had happened could he remain so calm and unmoved? How could he simply sit up and re-button his shirt as I stood quaking in front of him, shivering with the chill of the air, appalled by his utter lack of compassion?

Still, I followed orders. I replaced my clothing after a nod of permission from Kagetora, then turned and left without any further discourse. There are no words for what I felt then. There was only a dull and empty ache, like an old wound that has long since scarred and lost feeling. It was not the usual passionate response to him, just a despondent lack of emotion.

On the way home I tried not to think, going through at least four cigarettes on the half hour drive as I tried to calm my nerves. I wanted never to see him again, I wanted to forget about the love, the loathing, the burning pain and regret. It must have been something like what Kagetora felt the day he decided to seal himself away from me; to abandon himself and start again. It seemed a remarkably alluring option at the time, but knowing what I do now I can no longer see the attraction.

Still, as I lied in bed that night, replaying the scene in my mind as I attempted to relieve the tension caused by the night's happenings, I knew I still burned for him. I could never escape him as he'd escaped me. I could never survive without him, I would pine for him until I was a nervous wreck, too weak to do anything but lament the love I had thrown to the wolves. There was only one option left open to me then, I had only to endure, because, as they say...

If you're going to ride the tiger, you'd better hold onto his ears.