Ode to Broken Hearts

Yamamoto gritted his teeth. Gokudera was moaning beneath him. Yamamoto pulled out and entered him again, and Gokudera was screaming whenever a thrust touched his sweet spot. Yamamoto pretended he was having sex with somebody else but Gokudera. And when he was coming, his mind didn’t scream Gokudera’s name. It screamed Hibari.



After the rough sex they had, Yamamoto just glanced at Gokudera’s sleeping face and looked at other direction. He was still thinking about his last lover even when he had sex with Gokudera. He smiled sadly at that fact, “I’m such a fool, still thinking about him…”



When he went out with Hibari before, he was afraid to be hated by Hibari. That was why he tried his best to please Hibari. He tried to go to school as early as possible, he tried to study harder at subjects he wasn’t good at just so that he wouldn’t be attending extra classes. Because extra classes would mean less time to be with Hibari. He even tried to wear the complete uniform before even if he felt so stiff.



But Hibari showed no expressions. He remained indifferent no matter how Yamamoto tried. He didn’t seem to care at what Yamamoto did at all. Yamamoto thought bitterly that maybe Hibari didn’t really love him and he went out with Yamamoto because he pitied him or he felt he was forced to.



That was also why Yamamoto said those words, “Hibari, let’s break up?”



And Hibari didn’t response at all. He could at least say something. Seeing this, Yamamoto felt a pang in his heart. So that’s Hibari’s answer, he didn’t even care. And Yamamoto left Hibari without looking back.



What Yamamoto didn’t know was that after they broke up that day, Hibari cried alone.



After that when Yamamoto finally went out with Gokudera, he tried really hard to forget Hibari. He wanted something to let his mind think about something else other than Hibari. He smiled, he laughed and he was happy together with his friends. But somehow, he still felt an empty space in his heart.



Sometimes he took a glance to the place where Hibari used to be. And he saw Hibari wasn’t alone. After they broke up, Hibari was seen together with Ryouhei. Yamamoto’s spot beside Hibari was now Ryouhei’s spot. Yamamoto wanted to cry just thinking about that. But he just smiled like usual and faked his happiness. He didn’t want to make Tsuna or Gokudera worried about it. Especially when he had Gokudera now.



Everything he did with Gokudera really felt different than what he did with Hibari. For example, sex with Gokudera had been pure flesh and rough, and when he had sex with Hibari he couldn’t go all out because he was afraid to hurt Hibari.



The way Gokudera moaned, the way Gokudera called his name, the way Gokudera treated him, how the kiss was like, they were all different. And Yamamoto couldn’t help but comparing them all to Hibari’s. He still wanted Hibari after all this time.



He kind of regretted it when he said the break up line. He realized maybe that was just the type of person Hibari was. Hibari wasn’t affectionate or passionate with him. Hibari also never said he loved Yamamoto, but who knew if he actually loved him or not.



And seeing the current situation, it was impossible for Yamamoto to ask Hibari to go back with him. For now, Yamamoto thought he would just go with the flow and see where his fate would lead him to.



He glanced back at Gokudera’s sleeping face and brushed his silver hair. Yamamoto felt rather guilty for what he did to Gokudera. He kissed Gokudera’s hair and stood up. He smiled bitterly, “You are not him…” and he walked away after he collected his clothes.



Not that he knew Gokudera was conscious and hearing his last sentence.