Cubus white

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“Gojyo…”

The called looked to the side, not wanting to see him.

“Gojyo…,” he repeated but he didn’t turn his neck.

Hakkai was trying to convince him of finally leaving that place and joining him for lunch…or for some coffee or tea…or just…some water, anything.
He stepped closer and gripped his upper arm, trying to pull him up while Gojyo was determined to remain seated.
So he fell down on the floor and cursed.

“Hakkai!!!”

“I’m sorry!!!” he shouted back, “But it won’t help any of us if you keep playing the obstinate donkey, Goku is mad with worry!”

His mien changed and he looked up.

“I’m sorry.”

Gojyo got up and slowly crossed the room then with Hakkai following him.

“We’re going to look where he can be, alright?” Hakkai called after him with an unsure smile.

“And if he doesn’t want us to look for him…?” Gojyo mumbled and watched the floor as parts of it continually disappeared behind his feet while walking.

“Then you can’t change it either. Shall we stay and assume that he doesn’t want to come back?”

A quick ‘No’ followed Hakkai’s actually rhetorical question, then they had left the room.

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Blackness with red, dripping from the walls like there had been a massacre shortly before…and now the blood was floating down the walls. A sharp tone was audible, piercing and loud, like a woman singing in her highest voice while being slaughtered. There was the beat of a drum…until it changed and turned into the sound of footsteps, someone walking through the blood on the floor, making it splash back against the walls.
The scene started to blur, like needles were shoving millimetres of this screen to the left and right, leaving thin black lines until everything was full of them.

There was the sound of a voice, it was a voice but it sounded so slow and so unclear that one wasn’t able to understand it. In the middle of the darkness a red spot appeared until something zoomed closer and it was Gojyo standing there with his hands in front of his face and stomach. It seemed like he was defending himself against something which still lay in the dark around him.
But slowly the darkness lightened up and a man appeared, holding a gun. Another man, and there, another man, they were surrounding him. Now the light around Gojyo let me see a mass of people, about thousands of them; Gojyo in their middle looking like a target for thousands of guns, blades, arrows and scythes.

He looked up, towards the heaven and there were tears on his face, visible although he was so far away…or one was just knowing that there were tears.
It was silent. So dead silent that one knew that something terrible was to happen.
Gojyo was naked, he was standing there without his clothes, only his hair covering some part of his back. The people around were moving closer until there was just one meter separating the blades and scythes from him. He looked towards the heaven again with a desperate face, shot the people a glance, wailed in deepest fear and called a name shortly before thousands of those blades, arrows, bullets and swords gored his body.

He threw his hands up into the air, desperately reaching towards the sky, but the blades were still flying through the air; they hit his chest, his neck, his face until he had turned into a silent statue of metal, blades covering every inch of his body, no skin left to bleed.
Only his red hair was visible in that pile of weapons; it was waving in the wind until one came closer and cut it off his crushed head.
It fell to the floor and lay there until the wind took it with it.

The people left, wandered off into different directions while smiling and laughing and joking, giving high fives, frolicsomely singing and shouting that the last beast finally being killed.
Suddenly the focus was turned towards the statue of metal again. Blood was flowing down the blades, so much blood that there must have been a hundred people bleeding inside.
It didn’t stop; there was still blood coming from inside. But all of a sudden the statue fell to the side and hit the floor with a clanging sound.

The swords, arrows and all the other weapons were pulled out of the piece of flesh by invisible hands; they turned around and flew away into the four skies…and left was an exanimate body; no life, no soul, no tears.
But it moved, it lifted its head, its mouth opened to form a word, then it deliquesced, rivers of blood covering the earth like a deluge, washing away everything.

My face was touched and I jerked up into the air with a gasp. I moved my eyes frantically to tell where I was, but I was pushed down into softness. That was when I had wasted all of my strength and wasn’t even able to turn my head anymore. I swallowed and waited some moments until I realized that it was very hot under that blanket, so I lifted my hands to push it away. But I couldn’t, I was so weak that I could grip the seam of it but not pull it anywhere. I wailed and started to kick around under it to get it off my body.

My attempts were put to an end by Can Wakan, who pulled the blanket up to my neck, and then sat back again. I made a sound of discomfort and tried to ignore the disgust at my wet body.

“What happened,” I managed to say with a voice which was barely a voice but rather some sequence of cawed sounds.

“You need to sweat…exude the poison. It will take time until you will have recovered to even a minor degree. It is very strong…and your body is weak.”.”

But it was marvellous. Nothing hurt…except my goddamn head; a headache so intense and terrible distracted me from those words that I tried to lift my hand and press it against my head to stop the pain.

“You need to drink, you are dehydrated.”

When I watched a jar appearing in front of my face I could see his hand. Red weals covering it. Then I closed my eyes and tried to swallow what he wanted me to swallow. After he put the empty jar down on the floor he sat back and watched me. I couldn’t resist the urge to open my mouth again.

“Thank you”

From the corner of my eye I watched him lowering his head, but he didn’t say anything. I knew that he didn’t remain silent because he didn’t want to talk. I just had to find a different subject.

“Why am I Yahto?”

He looked up and I just managed to turn my head so much that I could see him more or less.

“You are a wanderer, no destination, no fixed or chosen path under your feet, just the intention of going and keeping going. No comrades, no respect, no value. There is no value without anyone defining it. If one doesn’t feel worthy enough on his own, then he has to consider something else to feel worthy with. Without that feeling, you can’t survive for long.
And you definitely don’t have that feeling yet.”

It was kind of fascinating how much he could tell about me by only watching and observing me. Anyway, gestures could say more than a bunch of words sometimes.

“Am I right?”

I turned my head to stare at the wall; Can Wakan certainly knew my answer. He wasn’t talking much, right. But just because he knew so well that words mostly meant nothing.

“I saw it. Something shining through the violet.”

It was red. Sure I knew what it was. I was just too gutless than to accept it.

“You are a priest, I can feel it. And I want to know about your abilities. But that is if you feel strong enough to tell me already.”

He knew that I was a priest just as I knew that he was a shaman. I was depressed to hell and not feeling well so I decided to distract myself by talking about my…job…what I was…supposed to do and not…supposed to do…

“Sanzo,” I croaked, “It’s called ‘Sanzo’, the title. There are only five of them walking this earth and I’m…probably the worst of them,” I paused, to think about it and at the same time try to draw breath. The fever was running me quite hard, and I knew that my body couldn’t deal with diseases as well as any other body would have.

“It’s the red dot on my forehead which tells you about it. I wished I could scratch it off,” I mumbled and swallowed to choke my tears.
He was listening in silence, not making any sound during my moments I needed to be able to suppress my feelings to be able to talk to him.

“I…am the highest of the monks, it’s a very…high-ranking position I keep. Very…”

I couldn’t talk anymore, something in my throat was preventing me from that.

“…very…”

All I could think about was how shitty that job was…how…just the alternatives of being a Sanzo…

“You are far from being happy though.”

“Yes, I am,” I answered dryly and tried to bury my head under the blanket, which of course didn’t work because I couldn’t move it.

“I suggest a change.”

“Change in what.”

As he didn’t reply anything to that I turned my head again and found him staring at me with a serious look. Which reminded me of how hopeless my current situation was. I cast my eyes down and decided to complain a bit, he certainly wouldn’t mind.

“I want…I don’t want to stay…I just want to-,” my voice was so high that it hurt to talk and at the same time hold back the tears, “-go home…”

“Me too.”

I bit down on my lower lip and looked at him again; he was still wearing that grim expression he just always wore.

“But unlike you I don’t have a home anymore,” he added, and his features softened a bit at that as he seemed to indulge in memories.

“You’re so sure that I got a home?”

“I saw it.”

“What?”

“That you have one. It’s in your eyes.”

I turned around, with all the strength left, so that I didn’t need to face him anymore. These words had broken the dam and my tears were running down my cheeks; I couldn’t stop them anymore at the thought of my home. I curled up there and cried unrestrainedly.

“I needed a whole month to get accustomed to it. It will fade, I promise. The pain as well as the grief, it will fade.”

“I don’t want it to fade!” I screamed, and sobbed even louder.

I din’t want to forget them, fall into that vigilant coma Can Wakan was living in and not being able to remember anymore…what life used to be like. And if it was just the short moments, seconds when I felt courageous enough as to look at him.

“I didn’t want it to fade either and it did. You can’t help it. He is the devil.”

“I don’t…,” I bawled out between my sobs and moans of distress, “I don’t…want it…I don’t…”

“Shall I bring you coffee? He told me to bring you anything you desire.”

I needed some moments to register those words and try to think about an answer, but finally I got one, more or less.

“Yes…and…and…cigarettes…”

Can Wakan got up and left.
Yet again I was left alone, forced to deal with my painful memories. I pictured him sitting at a table and having coffee, smiling and smoking, Hakkai sitting next to him, drinking his tea in silence and Goku playing with some cat he had found somewhere. I clenched the blanket and finally managed to bury my head under it.

As he came back, carrying a cup and a packet of cigarettes I was just thinking about him standing in the middle of the humans and being slaughtered like some wild animal. He just touched my shoulder to show me that he had returned, but I had been so deep in thoughts that I hadn’t heard him coming closer, so I jerked then.

“It’s me,” he said in his deep voice and helped me turn around when he saw that I just attempted to do that.

“He said I shall bring you these.”

I took a look at what he was holding in his hand and recognized the packet of Marlboros I had used to keep in my robes somewhere. I sniffed and rubbed my face against the pillow to dry my tears. He helped me to sit up, then he went to the glass door and opened it to let in some fresh air. Of course, after he had covered me with the blanket. When he came back he offered me the cup of coffee and I gladly took it, holding it with my two hands because it was so heavy.

As I sipped the coffee I was reminded of the many times we enjoyed it together…at a table in our room with Goku and Hakkai doing the shopping stuff…at a table in the bar of the inn we were sleeping in…at a table of a bar of an inn we were not sleeping in.
I had destroyed everything which was attached to those pictures; the trust, the friendship, sure, there was something like a little friendship, always had been, the sympathy and understanding. Tears mingled with the coffee and I put the cup down.

“What…is he doing?” I said with a strained voice. I didn’t want to be reminded of what I lost again.

“In his room. Sitting behind the desk and staring into the air. He is worried.”

“About what.”

“About what he has done.”

“Why should he, he’s a merciless bastard.”

“He may be. But he has a heart. Black and twisted…but it wouldn’t beat anymore if it hadn’t still some white pristine spots.”

“I guess…as twisted as mine.”

He didn’t say anything at that, but just took the packet of cigarettes, took one and offered it to me together with a lighter which wasn’t mine.
I took the things and lit the cigarette and enjoyed my provisionally built own world where I was Genjyo Sanzo with the gun and the scowl and the others my stupid underlings.
It didn’t last for long though; the door burst open and he came rushing towards me. When he stopped in front of the bed he took the cigarette and stubbed it out on the back of his hand.

“You can’t smoke now! Anyway, you should quit smoking, it is not good for your health, I don’t want to watch you perishing with lung cancer, Sanzo-han.”

With a pouting look I stared at the rest of the cigarette in his hand, then I looked up to glare at him. As he saw my look he immediately turned his head and licked his lips. The goddamn bastard felt guilty for poisoning me.

“I can’t stand the fever,” I hissed, my voice full of hate, “The headache is driving me insane and I am starving to death right in front of your eyes!!”

I watched him breathing a bit more heavily now, his eyes moving up and down, searching for something to look at, but they didn’t find anything.
Suddenly I had a lot of strength to use for my accusation

“And I thought I’d die of that colic, I THOUGHT I’D DIE!!!”

Now I had to stop though; I was panting hard and I could feel my heart beating in my ears and my throat, and I could see my vision pulsing. He stared at the floor, then he turned his head and gazed at me with absent-minded eyes.

“I was drivelling like some deranged idiot, I couldn’t even see anything, and you sick idiot knew that it was going to affect m-”

The fist hit my cheek and I fell to the side, something exploding in my head, my heart suddenly aching and my lungs contracting from the shock. I was panting hard, my eyes wide open and I was trying to reach up to brush over my face. After opening my mouth and moving my jaw I felt able to talk again.

“So this is how you solve your problems, how you deal with them…?”

I attempted to sit up and had just managed to do so when I was sent down again. Can Wakan had turned his head and was staring at the floor. The man was kneeling on the bed, seizing my throat, unintentionally.

“I am not willing to put up with resistance, complaints,” his grip tightened and I gagged, “Or improvement suggestions. Can Wakan?”

He took a step forward but still avoided looking at us.

“Go to the black room and start the preparations. Sterilize the instruments, change the sheets”

While he was talking, Can Wakan slightly contorted his face; I watched pity and sadness appearing and quickly being replaced by that neutral melancholy again. After the devil had finished he turned around and left the room.

He let go of my throat and I coughed and gasped while he got up. As I turned my eyes on him I could see him sneering down at me.

“I will teach you to be content with what you have.”

After that he turned around and left the room as well.

At this time I didn’t know how right he was. Half an hour of silence was given to me until they came back to me with a kind of gurney. I was thrown down on the metal plate and my hands and arms were tied to the frame, although I didn’t show any intentions of defending myself against it. I already knew that the result of that would have been more hits and blows.

We left the room, and I was brought to another one.
Black. With red splashes…blood splashes. Walls smeared in blood. So much red.
I felt cold there…despite my fever.


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I woke up on the floor. At the first moment I wasn’t that sure whether that was really my body or just a dead piece attached to my head.
But at the next moment I was sure, namely when I felt the pain. To describe that sensation by using the word ‘pain’ was understated. It was wet around me, but I didn’t really want to know where that was coming from.
It was cold, although I was sweating like a pig because I was still suffering from a high fever.
It was hopeless.

I was grateful that I also didn’t really know what was flowing from my mouth, and it left me cold that something was also flowing from my ass; I had become used to much graver things by now than just some liquids flowing from some body openings.

I couldn’t have told one my name if he had asked me now. I was Genjyo Sanzo, the thirty…and something Houshi…and I wished I could fall asleep again to escape that frightening state of my mind.

I was vegetating there until I had to close my eyes again because of the light which shone through the door crack. I didn’t know whether just a day or a week had passed since he had taken me with him.
I felt something wet and cold on me. It felt like water but stank like hell.
I intended to flinch as I tasted blood, but I couldn’t anymore.
I could only think about one thing…all through these days or weeks of harrassment and torture…so much red…

My will…

I passed out again.

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…days passed within hours, light and dark changed so quickly that I had lost my sense of time. Things were wrapped around my body, inserted, put on me; I had lost track of the intentions, the things, the actions…what was happening around me…
I remembered once, when some piece of cloth was wound round me and I didn’t fit in…I had defended myself against the touch of those hands because I knew that they were full of malicious energy, whatever they did. They had beaten me senseless, most likely jammed me into it though, and when I had regained consciousness I could barely breathe.

I remembered being forced to wear funny kinds of shoes…tops in which I was sweating like mad…skirts…make-up. They had dyed my hair, I didn’t know which colour, and if all, or just some part of it was dyed, but they had done it when I had been conscious.
Anyway, the states of being conscious, existent and being unconscious, in front of death’s door, took turns as regularly as the sun and moon still must have taken turns.

Every time I was alone and was so lucky as to still be conscious I was dreaming.
So much red…

Sometimes I was deprived of my dreams when he needed me as his waitress. He used and loved to show off and impress his guests the moment I entered with the high heels, a transparent blouse so that they could see my piercing, and with a cute white skirt. Or without a skirt and blouse, just stark naked when I was to serve that other kind of guests, also in a physical way.

And his guests were curiosities. Not any normal perverted people, but monks. Head priests, novices, heads of monasteries. What I knew for sure was that there was a special pact. They let him kill the Youkai and supported him by donating money, and everything he just wished for, as long as they could be his guests.
Anyway, I hadn’t been very surprised at that; unfortunately, I knew that kind of monks from my tender years. They had just been everything but tender. Despite Komyou caring so much about me, there had been times when he was away, charged with a mission. Locking the door had been of no use.

But that was just another point I didn’t want to remember…and that was why I was there. Oblivion, forsakenness, solitariness…it existed and didn’t exist where I currently was. Different realities were bumping into each other, each of them true in their own way. But I couldn’t decide which one was true for me. One was red…so much red…while the other was blue…and together they formed a kind of violet; it was the result of those two existences combined or mixed…and it couldn’t be formed if one component was missing.

It was the result of two realities, each one influencing, manipulating and affecting the one in the middle until it became the product; meaning was added by those two components until it was a subject, carrying those ideas, ideologies in itself, thinking by making use of those ideas…and not independent nor thinking on its own anymore.
A form, formed by the hands of circumstances while the subject itself was well aware of why it had become such a subject.
But too dependent already than to do something against it. Weak, powerless and infirm, the resistance and revolution would have been impossible.

After those moments of intense self-pity I decided to forget about the facts again. They’d have choked me. I rather accepted them and being a dependent subject than thinking about it, knowing that I couldn’t change it anymore on my own and despairing of it. The illusion itself didn’t hurt less, but that pain was easier to bear.
Oblivion…forsakenness…solitariness. Those were omnipresent although they were not.

In the meantime I had also made the acquaintance of another prisoner. Amade, his beautiful snow leopard. I walked that cat two times a day, and I led it through the house. When I went outside with him to let him fool around there and do his kitty bathroom deeds, I was chained up as well just like the leopard when we left that room which was kind of his kennel. Can Wakan was the one who held the other end of the chain…and although I knew that I could have started to run and escape every second I liked, because he didn’t hold it tightly, I didn’t do it. No one had asked me yet why I didn’t run then, so I didn’t keep an answer for that question. Simply because it wasn’t necessary to think about it.

Sometimes it was just raining when I knew that Amade needed to leave the house again. Then, I got soaked every time. And every time I got beaten up for exposing my precious clothes to the rain. By now I saw it as a legal kind of punishment, I didn’t comply with his commands so I got punished, the principle was very easy and could even be understood by me in that state when I was braindead.
Only in that way I was able to survive. And useless to mention that he kept all things away from me with which I could have killed myself. The cooks in the kitchen always watched me closely when I had to take the tray with the plates and cutlery, and someone was watching me when I had to go to the loo. I guess I could have rammed my head against the sink in the hope of dying of a brain concussion…maybe…

I was dead, my mind, my will, my soul had died…from time to time I was living through one of my brighter moments, but usually, they didn’t last very long.
I was at a point where I snuggled up to the touch of him when he reached down to pet my head during his conversations with his guests. I was always sitting right next to his chair then and I was hugging him in my sleep when he was very generous and let me sleep in his bed together with him.

I was smiling at him when he took a little piece of his roast and let me eat it from my feeding bowl, and I thought I was happy when I just could sit around with Amade lying next to me, me stroking the cat and he stroking my head and face.
Anyway, feeding times were very rare, the cat got it’s meal twice a day, sometimes a piece of raw meat, sometimes canned meat, for gourmet cats…and when I couldn’t stand the general hunger anymore I bent down and Amade moved his head a bit to the side and shared his food with me.

The only time I could remember receiving a real dish was when he had called me a ‘good girl’ after some guests, who had preferred my body to Can Wakan’s, had left. I had tidied up the room then, mopped up and done the washing up, and then I had gone back to the dining room and sat down next to his chair again. He had still been sipping his red wine and shortly after I had sat down he reached down and fondled my face.

“They seem…,” he said in a rather drunken voice, “to prefer you to him…it’s your pale skin…the special colour of your eyes…although Can Wakan’s eyes look very mystical as well…get up…I want to suck you off…”

I was used to that. Sometimes he wasn’t satisfied after these conversations, after practicing that verbal fuck while he watched his guests fucking the inventory of his castle. Amade wasn’t spared from that either, it shook me to the core and hurt me every time I had to watch these sodomites raping my friend.
That time he hadn’t come while his guests had come and he was still hard and I could understand him just all too well. So I got up and positioned myself in front of him so that he just had to lean forward to engulf my cock.

After he had come he pulled me down to sit in his lap and he embraced me and whispered into my ear that I had been a good girl and that he was proud of me. I had smiled at that comment.
I felt something pushed into my urethra and I relaxed, I knew what it was. Every time after the guests had left and I wasn’t allowed to masturbate anymore he put that little ball into it. It had a kind of symbolic meaning. If I pulled it out I was begging for a whipping. I had been forced to realize that.

“You will get some food today, Sanzo-han…,” he whispered into my ear and at that moment I was looking forward to it.


After these plates didn’t contain any food anymore I wished I had known about that so that I could have hidden from him when he had come with the plates.
I just remember writhing in pain after that…and fighting the urge to throw up.


Well, only that time he had fed me. Never again.

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I was woken by being pushed forward until I fell from the bed. That was a very quick and effective method to wake people up, but, unfortunately, not the one I preferred. Five finger closed tightly round my neck and I gasped, forced to comply to the silent command to stand up. Actually, it didn’t feel like being awake, by now I was so famished that my stomach didn’t even make any sounds anymore, but had resigned itself to the possible outcome of starvation. My ability to react and respond was not the same anymore as it once had been, nothing of pulling the gun in a second and having shot the asshole already by then anymore; I felt so weak that just lifting my hand strained me so much that I needed some minutes to collect my strength again. Thinking wasn’t possible anymore, only woolly and scattered thoughts crossed my mind, words, colours, names…red…oxygen…where was I…

Anyway, I was thrown down on the bed again, my feet were lifted, one after the other and I realized that I was wearing panties now. Frilly panties, by now I knew the taste of my owner. White, rose…red…fire…
I blinked when another thing was pulled over my legs and when I touched it I knew that it was a skirt. Black and white, with a little pinafore, lots of frills again. Black silk stockings followed, then I was hauled up and a second someone added a suspender belt to my outfit. The stockings were fixed then and I had to sit down again.

But I couldn’t anymore, I was too weak than to sit up straight any longer and I fell backwards. So I couldn’t watch the other putting on shoes. They did not mind; I was lifted up again, my arms were taken and pushed and pulled through the slits of the sleeves of a white slik blouse. I gasped when they closed the steel-boned wasp waist corset. I was used to that, he had beaten me senseless, then he had, with a good deal of trouble and work, literally tied me up, and now after those days of lacing me up every day and reducing the diameter of my waist one was able to close the buckles of the corsert without using the lacing anymore.

It was black, made of brocade fabric, adorned with French lace and latex. A pair of strong arms hauled me up again and I was dragged along to the dressing table with the make-up mirror. When my ass hit the seating surface of the antique chair I whined, still feeling the pain present. I didn’t…and not even could think back and about the action which had led to that. That pain there. It just was there. I could not remember why. But, just like so much, it did not matter at all.
When my hair was pulled back and combed through I had a bright moment because of the pain which resulted from them pulling back too violently.

“W…why…?”

I watched myself in the mirror, jerking back and forth as they worked on my hair, still combing it and fixing it with hair spray.

“He has visitors.”

Can Wakan had said that, I knew his deep voice very well. And he was the one who didn’t pull and push but who always lifted and hauled me up when I had fallen down. He took a black and white headpiece made of latex and put it on my head, adjusting it while the other tied the ends together under my jaw.

“Mh…”

The other man sat down beside me, grabbed my chin and violently turned my head so that I was looking at him. I knew what would come now…and I closed my eyes.
After about half an hour I was allowed to open them again and when I turned my head I could see myself in the mirror again. This time it was violet…rose…pink…lilac, every shade of violet, forming a nice contrast to my deep dark violet eyes. My lips purplish as well…pale pink…red…tan…

I was pulled up and almost fell down because I stumbled; I wasn’t used to that extreme form of those high heels yet. But I didn’t fall, Can Wakan was behind me and caught me and I gave him a weary but thankful smile. I didn’t have much time to be thankful because I was pulled out of the room and down into the living room of the castle.
He was already sitting in a wing chair, sipping his red wine. I knew what I had to do and took some more steps under pain and tiredness and stopped in front of him, posing for him and presenting myself.
Only he was allowed to add the other things.

“Oh fine!” he said with a smile, brushing over my cheek. I lowered my head as he passed me, heading for the table with the oddities and accessoires.
He came back with a collar made of steel. I only knew about that because suddenly I felt it covering my neck. It went from my jaw down to my collar bone, it was like a little neck corset, restraining my freedom of my neck and head movement.
Polished steel manacles were put round my wrists, then he knelt down in front of me, lifted my skirt and pulled my panties down.

I swallowed and shifted my weight but I didn’t dare to do more than this, anxious to not annoy him. He had never done something like that before in such a situation but my sound mind told me that standing still was better than moving around and defending myself against his touch.
I felt him brushing over the Prince Albert ring, it moved slightly and let me gulp back a moan. After enjoying that slight show of emotion he caressed my other newly added piercing and even took my testicle into his mouth to suck on it.
He drew back and placed a cock ring on my limp cock. I couldn’t keep myself from jerking as he did that but he didn’t take it as an offence.

“We don’t want you to get hard because of this hot dress. Don’t make it dirty with your cum, right, Sanzo-han?”

I was about to lower my head, shamefaced and embarrassd while pictures of the last session when I had worn that dress as well crossed my mind. I didn’t want them to cross my mind but they did.
Well, the point was I couldn’t really lower my head because of the collar, so I just turned my head to the side to stare at the wall in embarrassment.
He got up and smiled at me, I knew that he found it cute when I was suffering from a blush of shame yet again. So he made me turn my head so that I’d see his smile.

Sometimes…I didn’t know whether this was heaven or hell, sometimes…I didn’t know what else I wanted, why I wanted to escape…run…into red…
I slightly jerked when he kissed my upper lip. But he finally turned around then and walked back to his chair.

“They’ll arrive at 3pm. Go and take Amade for a walk around the house…or better, around this room, I want to watch you.”

I wanted to lower my head to tell him that I had understood but I couldn’t, so I just cast my eyes down, licked my lips, shot him a quick glance and carefully turned around to leave the room. Those shoes were a pain in the ass. I could walk with the other ones I had been forced to wear until now but those beat them all.
Amade was his snow leopard, he had a soft spot for extraordinary pets. Including me. Of course.
I loved that cat…and it seemed to love me.

After several falls and a bleeding forearm later I had arrived the the cage of that cat. Well, the cage was a room, I just entered it and called for the animal. The cushions in the left corner moved and a big impressive white feral cat came sauntering towards me, the shoulder blades delicately moving while he leisurely padded along. Every time I watched it coming along like that I felt a shudder running down my spine. What if it remembered being a feral cat and jumped at me to ram his fangs into my neck?

Oh well, today he couldn’t because I wore the steel corset. But he’d just have to tear that corsage off and…
He pressed his massive head against my thigh, nearly making me stumble and fall again, snuggling up to my legs in this cattish way, telling me that he still loved me. I knelt down and he immediately appeared in front of me. One moment of impressive silence, motionlessness…these deep golden eyes, mirrors of the whole universe…and incessantly crying, begging to be freed…then he closed them, smiled and licked over my cheek with his big kitty tongue.
I lifted my hand, my tiredness was forgotten for the moment, and took some of the fur of his cheeks into my hand and gave him a shake.

He bared his teeth and shook his head to get rid of my hands but I knew that he liked that. I stood up, took the chain from the cupboard, leashed him and led him out of the room back towards the living room.
While I was walking down the stairs I felt his paws on my ass and his head on my back. He pushed me forward; normally he only did that occasionally when he wanted to play. I stumbled, those goddamn shoes, couldn’t catch anything to prevent me from falling down and one moment later I hit the stone stairs with my forehead and bridge of the nose. Another moment later I couldn’t list anymore what else hit the stones because everything happened in such a quick way that I couldn’t catch up with the events around me anymore.

By the time my brain decided to work again I was lying on the floor, my body a hurting mass, the leopard nuzzling my head with his cold wet muzzle.
I tried to stand up again but instead of fully getting up I moaned and sat down. But he was waiting for me, I couldn’t let him wait for so long so I got up, though, with the help of my friend, and just hobbled.
When I opened the door, Amade sneaked in and I followed. The second he saw me, the wounds and bleeding spots, he frowned, put the glass down on the floor, got up and walked towards me.

I opened my mouth to say something…but I hadn’t said anything for days so I couldn’t…I just opened and closed it until he was standing in front of me. I immediately ducked down and closed my eyes to prepare myself for some blows, but as nothing happened I looked up again and found him staring at me in pity. He stroked my cheek and caressed my bruised arms but he stopped as I flinched in pain.

“I heard a noise…was that you?”

I blinked and tried to nod despite the corset. Amade suddenly pressed his belly against my legs and I fell forward straight into his arms.
He laughed and gently kissed my cheek.

“I see…what a lively cat, hah? Go to Can Wakan, he will take care of your wounds. They will arrive in two hours, I want you to go to the kitchen and prepare yourself. My cook will advise you, he knows what has to be done.”

I stepped back and left the room then, looking for Can Wakan just as he had told me.


________________


At 10 past 2pm I left the kitchen with a tray with four plates, venison steak and rice, together with salad, artfully arranged and draped. I opened the door of the dining room which resembled a little hall, and immediately cast my eyes down and lowered my head as much as possible.
He had just been talking when I had entered; now he greeted me and it was deadly silent then. I carried the tablet to the table where I put the plates down in front of the guests. Then I put the tray down and sat down on the floor next to his chair.

Amade came along and welcomed me as well by nudging my shoulder. He lay down beside me, half of his heavy body covering my legs. He reached down now and petted my head, showing me that I had done a good job and should remain silent until he’d demand something of me again. So I was sitting there in silence, listening to him and enjoying the warmth the leopard gave me.

“Marvellous, isn’t it?” he said in delight, “Great…you wouldn’t have dreamed of that, would you? It’s sheer bliss to watch him, he makes a very good maid.”

I smiled at that compliment but kept my head bent. I was just the servant girl, it was forbidden to look up and catch the guests’ attention with that.
No clattering, no laughter, no approving sound was heard. Usually I noticed those sounds, but those guests didn’t seem to share his opinion.

“How…dare you do that,” I heard someone whispering. His voice seemed to be very high, and I could tell that he was close to tears…but it was forbidden to think about his guests, so I concentrated on stroking the fur of my friend again.

“Aw, it was quite easy, he just needed a week to get accustomed to this. He’s a very good girl. I said he’d be mine, didn’t I?”

“You sick asshole!” someone screamed. It must have been the one who had already talked before. But this time he sounded upset, his voice sounding hoarse.

“Oh, please, calm down. He’s not worth that trouble.”

It was silent again but I could feel the air changing. The smell, changing, the atmosphere and aura changing. It felt familiar.

“You let go of him,” someone hissed.

“Oh why? He likes to stay here, he enjoys it. Right, Sanzo-han?”

At hearing my name I became sort of conscious of myself again snuggled up to his hand petting my head.

“Yes.”

More silence followed but suddenly the leopard started purring and I couldn’t hold back the snickering at that. The grip tightened and I flinched, and straightened my back, but he just pulled on my hair again until I was gnashing my teeth in pain. I heard some clattering now, it sounded like someone had thrown his cutlery against the table.
Now his grip loosened and I sunk back on the floor. I bent my head and shamefacedly looked to the side.

“I’m awfully sorry, excuse my impertinent behaviour.”

He patted my head then and faced his guests again.

“Excuse his behaviour indeed, I hope you will accept the apology?”

No one answered. Until he laughed and fondled my cheek again.

“Try the beef, I took the best cooks I could just find with me…especially…for you,” his voice changed towards the end of the sentence and his stroking moves stopped.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Me either.”

There was that awkward silence again until the third of the guests spoke.

“I don’t eat deers.”

“What a pity, it tastes marvellous. Sanzo-han will tell you too.”

I watched a little piece of beef appearing in front of my eyes and I leaned forward and closed my lips around it.
It tasted undeniably good. After I had swallowed it I huddled up against his chair and purred a ‘Yes’.

“You see, he likes it too, you should at least try it.”

“You goddamn bastard, what have you done with him?!”

“Calm down, please”

“No, I won’t! I will take him now!”

“No, you won’t.”

“I will, take my word for it. He wants to leave you, you can’t tell me that he deliberately wants to stay with you.”

“Why should he leave me? He has changed sides, don’t you get it?”

“This man?” I heard someone laughing, “Genjyo Sanzo, the thirty-first of China, Houshi Sama, the bitchy prick…?”

My head shot up, it happened by reflex, I couldn’t do anything against it. The leopard had lifted his head and moved his massive body away from me. I had startled that beautiful animal.
I gazed at him with wide eyes, my heart stopped beating and I couldn’t breath anymore.

Red…

So much red…

Silky…and clear stripes encircled by beautiful tan.

Red suns shining down on me…so much red…

“Gojyo…” I croaked and was up on my legs in one second but my owner gripped the ring of the steel corset and dragged me down so that I hit the floor with my ass which made me scream with pain.

A chair hit the floor right beside me, and I watched legs unbending.

“You bastard…he’s ours”

“Now he is nott?” he said in a teasing voice.

“He is,” he said in a strained and harsh voice, “The moment you took him with you was the slap with the gauntlet, you set up the challenge -I’m here to take it”

His chair moved as well and he stood up. Now I dared to look up as well and I saw them staring at each other, one in wild rage, the other in amusement.

“Wha-ppp”

That had been Goku who had been silenced by Hakkai’s hand over his mouth.

“He wants to stay…Sanzo-han…,” he said with a rasping voice.

“He does not”

“He does”

I watched him clenching a fist, shortly after that he hit the table with it.

“He DOES NOT!!!”

The leopard roared at that and peered at Gojyo, obviously disapproving of his shout. I turned my head to look at the animal and I stretched out my hand. Amade sauntered towards me and snuggled up to it. I pulled him closer and he complied. The leopard pressed his head against my chest and I smiled, stroking his fluffy face and cuddling with him while my master and my hope were fighting over me.

“I am up for it.”

“I have been up for it since you left that room two weeks ago”

“Fine.”

I watched them leaving their places and walking to the middle of the room.

“You sure you can handle this, little cleric?”

“Why, if I may ask?”

“I don’t see your gun brandishing rock around”

My master put on an offended gaze, his hand disappeared in the depths of his robe and when he pulled it out again he held a whip in his hand. I knew about that, it was the one with which he had tried to convince me earlier. And with painful honesty I had to admit that he was very good at using it as effectively as just possible.
Amade lay down on my body again and I fell backwards; he had thrown his full weight against my chest and I was much too weak than to defend myself against this awkward fondness.

Gojyo broke out into laughter.
“Man, you can arouse me with that, but not beat me,” he became a bit more serious towards the end of that sentence, but he still smirked at him.

“You think so? I think Sanzo-han can tell you. Or rather his back…”

I watched him smirking now but Gojyo’s gaze was much more interesting. It had changed in a second, from the smirking one into the shocked and concerned one and he looked at me to silently ask me whether that was true. As I didn’t say anything but turned my face to hide the flush, he faced him again, his mien determined and threatening.

“You dare…touch him…”

“Yes I dared,” he laughed and cracked the whip, “I touched him.” He peerd at Gojyo with narrow eyes, provoking and challenging.
They weren’t going to fight in a physical way, rather in that verbal way I was familiar with as well. And I knew that Gojyo was not an idiot as for that. But Gojyo was speechless for a moment, he had to deal with the feelings and emotions these comments caused inside.

“You’re sick. A sick collector…capturing wild animals to tame them and turn them into sheep…I’m going to take the leopard with me.”

“Not Sanzo-han?”

“It is…a matter of fact that I won’t leave without him,” he hissed and hit the floor with the end of his Shakujyo.

“You’ll lose.”

Gojyo inhaled audibly and lifted his head a bit more.
“If I lose and die you will let him go. If I win you will let him go too.”

I turned my head to watch him. He had narrowed his eyes again and stared at Gojyo.

“This is kind of ingenious in a wicked way. So I will either lose or win too. Although I prefer the first one. After all, one filthy bastard less is one less.”

Gojyo snorted and reached out, and Hazel laughed and reached out as well.
I closed my eyes, hugged my leopard and buried my head in his fur to not hear or see anything of this fight. I’d kill myself if Gojyo died.
The animal held still. It did not even lift its head or shift its weight. I smiled into his fur, thinking about taking him with us.

Several minutes later it was over, I heard Hakkai and Goku jumping from their seats and I lifted my head, prepared for seeing anything, seeing Gojyo lying on the floor and just bleeding to death and seeing Hazel spitting blood and contorting this face in pain.

I saw nothing like this. He was standing in front of the wall being pressed against it by him. His claws digging into his throat but not injuring him.
Such a marvellous red…it looked different in these situations when he had changed. He growled just like he had done it when he had talked to me in that form.
He moved closer.

“I should kill you,” he hissed, his voice as threatening as it could be, “I’m going to leave now. God may help you should you cross my way again.”

Hazel sank down on the floor like a wet sack of potatoes, he was panting hard and now clutched at his neck, rubbing it. He closed his eyes then and looked to the side. I turned my eyes on Gojyo then who just came walking towards me.
He looked so frightening, so fearsome that I crouched behind the leopard and peered at him with frightened eyes. But he just knelt down and gently took my chin in his hand and made me look up. The leopard lifted his head and growled and I was stunned at how similar it sounded to Gojyo’s growl shortly before. I just stroked his belly and patted his flank to show him that everything was alright and he lay down again.

The headpiece was torn off my head…the lipstick kissed off my lips…so sweet…so heavenly fantastic…
Gojyo hauled me up and took me on his arms, I couldn’t walk with those shoes anymore. Now I was so close…so close to that feral force, that untamed wild look…these claws and fangs, this totally different mindset…
I heard a rumbling low sound, Gojyo had opened his mouth during that so I supposed he was responsible for that. But I looked down in confusion as I heard that sound coming from under me as well. It was the leopard.

He got up on his legs and pressed his head against Gojyo’s calf, growling again. I felt Gojyo’s grip on my flank and knees tightening, the claws twitching and digging into my flesh all at once. I looked up at him and just caught him opening his eyes, releasing red suns again. He bared his teeth, I could see the long canines, and he snarled, producing a deep growl again.

The leopard mumbled away to himself, more or less clear growls, and sneaked around Gojyo, circling him. Gojyo swallowed and finally closed his mouth after one last snort, then he looked down at me with these feline eyes. And I was afraid of him again, I just had to think about the things he had done to me when we had quarrelled. But he immediately realized what was wrong and he smiled, bent his head and licked my cheek in that sweet way.

“Never again…you’re going to escape like this,” he whispered into my ear.
Then he turned around and left the room with Goku, Hakkai and Amade following.

Hazel got up now and walked to his chair where he sat down. He put his chin into his hand, his other hand placed on the armrest and his forefinger drawing on the wood.
Curses and cusswords flew through the room, but there were no ears to hear them.


__________________

Gojyo was carrying me through the corridors of that ancient prison, and we were just about to leave it when I looked up and after some moments pressed my head against his chest.

“Could you…”

Gojyo stopped and stared down at me with those shining bright red eyes…I was really afraid of him.

“Would you…call Can Wakan…?”

I felt his gaze on me, he didn’t move and didn’t say anything.

“Please…Gojyo…”

I gripped his top and tried to bury my head a bit deeper in his shirt, probably making it dirty with my make-up. Gojyo looked up, turned his head and called his name as loudly as he could. Then it was silent. When nothing happened after five minutes Gojyo called his name again and after three more minutes I heard him coming along.
He stopped in front of my group, saw me in the arms of a man, obviously happy and ready to go, but he didn’t seem to be surprised or astonished. His phlegmatic gaze rarely changed.

“I’m going home…”

I thought I saw some hint of a smile…weak and not much…

“Yes,” he said in his bass voice.

“You…want to come with us?” I said that very carefully, anxious to notice any reaction my folks would show because of their disapproval. But they didn’t move.
Can Wakan remained silent as well, he was just staring at me. I knew what he wanted to tell me, so I smiled and snuggled up to Gojyo’s chest who immediately tightened his grip on my flank again, but this time in a different way so that I didn’t feel his claws.

“Maybe sometime later… Thank you very much for your…kindness.”

Gojyo licked his lips above me and looked down at me in amazement. I knew that that was not the usual way in which I talked or behaved, but currently I couldn’t change it.
Finally, Gojyo turned around as he didn’t reply anything. However, as we left the hall, I could hear Hakkai talking to him.

“…if you have been deprived of a home…why shouldn’t you just put an end to all that and built up a new one?”

After some moments of silence Gojyo had stepped into the light. It was a rather bight day, bright but cold, the normal autumnal cold. I started shivering again, the silk blouse and the short skirt weren’t designed for keeping one warm at all, so I felt the cold paralyzing my body. I huddled up against his chest again, trying to get some of his warmth.
While being so close to him I still could feel those waves, hostile and raging, so I didn’t dare to say something or do something which could have annoyed him.
The leopard followed us to the jeep. Gojyo just stepped onto the load floor and sat down there with me still on his arms. He let me sit down between his legs, then he wound his arms round my body and pulled me closer.

The leopard joined us there as well, and as Goku sat down beside Gojyo, the animal growled again and let his heavy body fall down on my legs again. He was such a cute bedside rug.
After some minutes of driving I leaned forward to pet his flank but Gojyo’s grip around me tightened so that I quickly gave it up. I drew back and somewhat crossed my arms, trying to not attract that threatening attention again.
Now the leopard lifted its head, opened its big oval eyes and after sniffing around he lay down again, his head placed on my crotch. I frowned and carefully lifted my hand to brush over these long whiskers and I did it, once, twice and the cat started purring, but after another moment I felt Gojyo’s claws warningly digging into my upper arms.

Nevertheless I kept stroking the big furry head in front of me because I liked the feeling of his fur so much…and I felt Gojyo moving. Then he growled, sounding so threatening that I went rigid. The cat lazily opened its eyes, snorted and nuzzled my…well.
That sent him over the edge. His claws dug into my skin, making me cry out and squirm, but it didn’t last for long. The moment he got conscious of what he had just done his hands left my body, quickly, like he had burned his fingers. I heard him panting then, his breath hitting the back of my head so that I could feel it. He slightly moved again, making me move as well.

The cat yawned, for a moment I could see those fine long fangs, the light rose of his tongue and soft walls of his mouth speckled with dots of black…his eyes tightly shut…then he closed his mouth, shook his head and lay down again, purring in my lap.
That was when I felt the threatening aura growing weaker until there was nothing left of it anymore. And I had been mesmerized by that process so that I didn’t even notice his claws slowly disappearing until I just felt soft pads gently moving over my arms, the silk blouse letting me feel a double sensation.

Goku hadn’t said anything, those growls must have overawed him as well, the two of us, not being used to hearing such sounds from Gojyo, were suffering quite much. But he leaned over now and began to pat the cat’s head as well, and I smiled and also put my hand into this fantastic fur again. Gojyo’s sliding moves over my arms stopped and he just held me, his touch only so much that I knew he was still sitting behind me.
Gods, that man was jealous…

The whole drive passed like that, a mix of everyone trying to catch my attention and being as present as possible in my thoughts until Hakkai stopped the jeep in front of an inn.
Gojyo got up and took me on his arms again, carefully got off the jeep and walked towards the entrance. If we made it to our rooms like that people would think he had picked up some…whore from an alternative studio…or sissy club…but he just continued walking and paid no attention to the gazes which followed us.

Anyway, they could see that I was a man. With smudgy make-up and straps.
Gojyo went upstairs and stopped in front of some door. He opened it and pushed it open with his foot, and after entering he put me down. I struggled to keep standing there, my feet already hurt like hell because of those wicked shoes, and I was still so weak that I’d have passed out if I hadn’t forced myself to remain conscious now.

Gojyo stared at me, his eyes calm, his features relaxed. I was afraid of taking the initiative, so I waited for him to do something before I managed to annoy him.
All of a sudden he moved closer, put a hand on my shoulder and came so close that I could feel his hot breath on my mouth. He was hesitating, I could feel it. After several moments of silence and fitful breathing against my skin, he turned his head, took one step forward and embraced me, his cheek pressing against the side of my head.

I’d take everything he’d give me, no matter what, no matter how deep or shallow. I hugged him as well; while his embrace was fierce and strong, mine was shy and timid.

“Sanzo,” he whispered into my ear while nuzzling it with his nose, “I’m sorry…”

“No, I am sorry,” I said and swallowed, close to tears, overwhelmed by various indescribable feelings.

“No…for what I have done…”

“For what I did”

“N-no…for what I have done to you”

“Yes, for what I have done to you”

He squeezed me and his voice had become faint and shaky.
“I…am sorry for what I have caused”

I couldn’t open my mouth anymore, otherwise I’d have sobbed just into his ear.

“For what he did to you”

I cast my eyes down and wanted to bend my head, but the corset still prevented me from that. So I just turned my head away and tried to get rid of the pictures in my head. Useless to mention that most of them were bloody and gory.

“C’mon, I’ll take that shit off…”

I could barely hear him, I could just hear that he had a hard time fighting his tears. He let go of me and with his hair covering his eyes he worked on the corset, and he needed about two minutes before he realized that there was a lock keeping the two halfs together. And he just gave it up, his hands sank down and he turned away from me.
But I heard him panting and huffing in the dark until he quickly turned around, gripped the seam of the corset, pressed his other hand against my chest and tore at the corset with such a force that I nearly fell down if he hadn’t held me up. It almost choked me, I wanted to push his hands away, but something kept me from that. I would try to trust him.

And finally, to my relief, I heard a cracking and ripping sound and I could watch it falling down on the floor in some distance. The blouse was ripped off too, and he had to stand the first shock of…several this evening, if it proceeded like that.
He licked his lips, let go of me and took a step back. I was about to topple over, now that no one supported me anymore, but I clung to the door frame and kept myself up that way.

I knew what he was staring at. I’d never have agreed on that, if someone had offered it to me, but I had been forced to stand it.
Two silver rings with a diameter of a drinking straw were hanging from my nipples. Besides, a chain was connecting them. After overcoming that shock, he slowly came closer again and took off the skirt. And finally, thank the gods, he bent down to take those shoes off. The moment I could stretch my feet again I fell the victim to a cramp, and due to the fact that both my feet were affected I couldn’t stand on them, the pain was just too much. Gojyo held me until it was over.

Then he freed me of the stockings and the suspender belt. As he was about to take my panty to pull it down, I put a hand on his. He looked up and let go of the piece. I was looking at him with begging eyes, begging him to not pull them down for his sake.

“What?” he whispered.

I didn’t answer him…because I didn’t know what I should have said. Gojyo leaned in and whispered into my ear while stroking my chest and back.
“Sanzo, you don’t have to worry, I won’t grope you or do anything of the sort he must have done to you.”

“It’s not that,” I said and turned away from him, “It’s…not…pleasant to look at.”

His grip loosened a bit but he stayed there.

“Yes, I…have to admit that I was a bit shocked when seeing this before, but Sanzo, that is…you will leave that to me, okay?”

He stepped back and shot me another glance to tell whether I was going to permit him to do that or not. As he saw that I was just looking at him, he pulled down the panty. He cast up his eyes, waited for any reaction from me and as none came he lowered his head to look at it.
I could see him clenching his teeth, his jaw bones visibly moved and he was breathing very calmly. I had known that it wouldn’t leave him unimpressed.

Besides, I was painfully hard. The cock ring just prevented me from coming, but it teased the hell out of me, so it was…very eye-catching. The ring through the tip of it was pointing at Gojyo, the little silver tag dangling from it. I think he needed about two minutes to let his gaze slide over the whole shaft with all those rings and pearls…it was really gross to look at, if one wasn’t a fan of that.

But Gojyo obviously was.

He lifted his hand and was about to touch it when I flinched and wanted to back away. But I couldn’t, because my feet still hurt too much. And Gojyo touched it though, his hand grazed the ring with the pendant, touched every single bead, although I flinched again, touched every single piece of metal sticking out of the skin until he arrived at the cock ring. A short pull and it fell down with a clinking sound. He knew how to handle those things. It had not hurt at all.
He had knelt down to look at it and to be able to touch it, but now he got up and looked into my eyes.

“The tag…”

I turned my head and swallowed in uneasiness.

“I will remove it.”

I just bend my head and tried to hide the blush on my cheeks. Still I did not quite know how exactly to feel about that all.
Gojyo knelt down again, took the ring between his thumb and forefinger and carefully pulled on the chain connecting it with the tag until it just cracked. He straightened his back again and, while staring into my eyes again, still trying to soothe me with his gaze, he called on his Shakujyo.
The tag fell down.
And just one second after it had hit the floor, the blade of the Shakujyo slammed against the floor, splitting and crushing it.

And all of a sudden I felt empty…useless…
He must have noticed that sudden change, and he forced me to lift my head by pressing his fingers against my chin, then he stroked my cheek with his thumb.

“I will…put it on again if you are so sad about that. But a different one.”

He just got things already when I was still far away from understanding myself yet. Long before I clearly felt anything, he had got it already.
Gojyo drew back and stared at me. It was silent for too long than to assume that everything was alright. Gojyo was staring at me, I couldn’t really make out the nature of his look because it was dark in there, but I could feel his eyes on me…and I wasn’t used to straight looking into people’s eyes…I wasn’t that equal as to be allowed to do that. What I was, was inferior; one who was supposed to serve the superior ones.

So I bent my head and after searching for something to distract me from this piercing look of his I got down on my knees, crawled closer and huddled up to his legs like a cat.
Gojyo didn’t say anything.
After some moments I heard a noise coming from outside, then weird sounds coming from the door itself and shortly after that it was opened and I saw Hakkai’s head appearing together with an enormous white mass coming through the door.

“I’m sorry,” he smiled, “But I couldn’t keep him in our room anymore…”

“Hakkai!” I heard Goku shouting outside, “Now…let me in, lemme…”

As Hakkai saw me sitting there on the floor, stark naked, and Gojyo standing there and staring at him, he smiled again, but in a different way, before he pulled back and closed the door while murmuring, “No…Goku…Sanzo needs some time to recover…”

“But-!” I heard it through the door.

Suddenly I saw a white furry ball appearing in front of my eyes and I fell back, the leopard had just put his heavy paws on my chest again…and now he was lying on me and licking my chest.

“YOU!!!” I heard Gojyo screaming.

“Get the fuck off him, he’s mine!!!”

Suddenly I could feel the claws of the cat being buried in my skin and I flinched. But I knew that it had happened out of reflex because I could hear it growling now.

“Think you can intimidate me?!” Gojyo snorted, then continued in a threatening voice, “He is mine, get off him.”

The cat got up and left me lying there and it positioned itself in front of Gojyo where it crouched and kept growling and snarling. I watched Gojyo lowering his head, his eyes narrowed and I could hear him panting.
As the cat threateningly growled again Gojyo snorted and his fingers twitched. That devastating energy building up again.

They could kill each other. The leopard with his claws and Gojyo with his Shakujyo. I had to do something, otherwise he’d really have called on his Shakujyo. So I threw myself onto the cat, and wound my arms round his belly. The leopard broke the growling, snorted or sneezed or something like that, and then licked his snub nose. Now it wanted to walk away, so I let go. It turned around and came to me, rubbing its head against my chest again, and as it lay down on my legs I could feel the smooth fur on my cock.
Which was one of the most arousing things I had ever felt.

I gasped at that and turned my head to the side so that Gojyo wouldn’t need to see how thrilling that was. But Gojyo was already annoyed…or pissed off. He turned around and with a slightly bent head looked out of the window, his arms crossed in front of his chest.
What I couldn’t see was his pouting face, his sad eyes, his clenched teeth and his mouth which formed a thin line. Even if I had seen it I wouldn’t have been able to get up and assure him that everything was alright.

I still felt insecure when he was around…and I felt better when it was the cat which was around me. I was still afraid of human contact.
So when the cat got up and walked towards the beds I followed the animal and lay down next to it so that I could feel the warm fur caressing my back as the ribcage of the leopard was moving up and down. And he was purring like there was no tomorrow.

Gojyo had gone to the window and sat down on the window sill, his head turned towards the darkness outside.
After all…he hadn’t been able to convince me. After all…after living through that hell before he was deprived of my feelings…

I couldn’t fall asleep. I tried, I tried to enjoy the warmth the body of the sleeping cat radiated, but I couldn’t calm down so much that I could fall asleep.
Careful not to make any sound I sat up and shot him a glance. But it was safe, he didn’t look at me so I could focus on his dark silhouette in the moonlight. All the time I had been dreaming of the red…and now that I was given it so freely that it hurt I couldn’t take it. I got up and walking towards him on tiptoes. If he woke up now and looked at me I’d die of fear.

As I was standing behind him, just so much that I could have touched him if I just reached out I saw his back moving and I heard a sound.
I swallowed in panic and took a step back as I heard another sound…a suppressed sob. He didn’t notice me standing behind him, for what I was more than grateful, and I remained silent, even held my breath to not draw his attention on me. He was crying, sobbing and sighing, and I didn’t know whether I should have been afraid or felt guilty.

As I heard another sob I leaned back against the wall and let my back slide down until my ass hit the floor. Painful, still. It made some noise, but I was sure he knew that I had been standing there anyway. Why shouldn’t he have noticed that, he was a demon after all.
I was staring at the floor in silence, listening to his expressions of his suffering soul. He was staring into the darkness, listening to my silence. He hadn’t saved me. Not yet. Not completely. Maybe my body wasn’t chained up in that castle anymore, but my mind was. It hurt him to see me still clinging to those ideas and ideologies while I could have accepted those other ideas already…and lived with them again. I wanted to, but there was still that difference between consciously wanting to do it and unconsciously still rejecting the new system.

I thought that had been my home. But I didn’t feel at home. Nor had I felt at home in the castle. Like Can Wakan I had been deprived of my home; his was no longer existent, mine either. He had destroyed it. He had destroyed everything. Everything I had built up, I had kept trust in, everything I had worshipped and taken as my sense of life.
Now there was nohing left but crumbling walls surrounding nothing but emptiness.

“I’m sorry,” I heard him whispering in a broken voice.

I didn’t say anything. This sounded very much like my home. But when thinking about ‘home’ I still had different things in mind to which I had got used to in the course of time. They were harmful and dangerous, but I had become used to living next door to danger and maliciousness.
A flashback tortured my mind then.

I was lying on the bed, the end of the chain which was wound round my bare neck was in his hand. Like a cat I was lying there on the sheets with him sitting in front of me and stroking my skin. Wherever he wanted, he could reach everything he just wanted to touch. I had got used to running around naked when he wanted me to. Because there was nothing to hide anymore, everything so painfully exposed also when I wore pants or a skirt or a blouse, I always felt naked and exposed to his touch, also when he didn’t touch me and just let his eyes slide over my body.

He was just brushing over the metal ball in my cock. When he had whispered into my ear that he was going to take that bullet from his rifle and place it there I had even managed to free my hand from the ties, but he had gripped my arm and after a blow against my temple I had been forced to lie down again.
To my surprise it had been less painful than I had thought it would be. When he was finished I couldn’t believe that he was already done. Of course I felt sick and disgusted at what he had done, but there was something else in the back of my mind preventing me from cursing him.

However, I was lying on the bed, he was rubbing his thumb against the hump on my cock and I was clenching my teeth so not to start moaning.
I knew that I was not allowed to take his hand and shove it away; it would have been like a silent plead to be sent to the black room again. Or if he was in a better mood it was a silent plead to be smacked or raped. So I had to stand the touch, whether I was comfortable with it or not.
I shuddered as he pushed back the prepuce of my semi-hard cock and caressed the the tip of it. Then took the ring which went through it and gently pulled on it so that I had to comply and move my hips to ease the pressure.

“Oh…you like that,” he said in a soft and loving voice and gently pulled on it again. I shuddered again and he could hear it in my breath, it was like some affirmation that I liked it, and I had to show him.
After a moment I was in control of myself again and I moved forward to rub my head against his shin. He reached down and petted my head, delighted and pleased that his touch made me do such things.

“I will put a chain on that ring and lead you around on it, what do you think about it?”

As much as it still disturbed me, as much disgust as I felt at the thought of that man doing that with me I couldn’t ignore the part of myself which was begging for it. I concentrated on not moving, not breathing and not doing anything so to show him that I didn’t want him to do that but he already knew me too well.

“Alright. Tomorrow,” he purred while fondling my cheek and brushing over my lips.

As I slightly opened them, his fingers slipped in and also fondled my tongue until he pulled them out and licked them clean.

“I am glad you changed sides. What a lucky man I am…to possess such a rare animal…”


As Gojyo’s hand appeared somewhere beside me I moved away, caught in the lovely words of that man and caught in his weird prison of love. It was not the common kind of love. Different…but it was a kind of love in the end.
Although I had been dreaming of the red in my delirious state towards the end of it, I didn’t dream of it now. A ghost was lingering in my mind and memory, a deadened man with deadened feelings. I wasn’t dreaming of the red anymore. Both of these men were dead. In their own ways.
And I wished I was dead too.

Gojyo was still sobbing, he thought he was guilty of it. Suddenly he fell from the window sill, straightened his back in front of me and embraced me so tightly that together with the shock I wasn’t able to breathe at all. He pressed my head against his collar bone, I could feel his nails digging into my shoulder and my flank and his chest rubbing against mine as he sobbed.

Never had he embraced me like that. Never had he cried for me. Never had he swallowed his pride and burst into tears in front of another man before. The devil hadn’t done anything for me while this one was dying for me.
I wasn’t just an animal for him anymore, I was a living human being with a soul, with a mind and with my own and relatively free will again.
That love before had felt wrong. It was just the fassade which had kept the word ’love’, but there wasn’t anything of that left behind that mask. Only selfish desire.
While I felt that there wasn’t any fassade in his case, nothing which would have kept his feelings from appearing in his eyes. And his mouth and his hands now did what he felt, carried out the orders his tortured mind gave. I could tell the difference between his love and that man’s love now.

His touch was different from his, the nature, the intentions behind it were different ones. And though it felt weird to have him lying there and crying his soul out. I reached up and tried to shove his hand away but Gojyo didn’t even notice in his outbreak of emotions, so I had to do something else.

“Gojyo,” I gasped then, “Let go…”

As he didn’t do anything again I tried to push him away with more force and he finally realized that I felt uncomfortable with what he was doing there. With a bewildered gaze he stared at me and took a step back, tears still streaming down his cheeks. But he took a step towards me again and tried to embrace me, but I backed off from his hands and his level of confusion rose from fifty to hundred percent. His arms disappeared and I silently sighed with relief.

It wasn’t his affection I had been craving for, nor that devil’s ‘affection’ I had been looking for. I raised my head and stared into those eyes of deep red. There was a journey…wasted evenings spent in much too small rooms, wasted days spent in silence, suppressing the feelings of discontent and hate, always watching out for the next sentence so that it didn’t cause any argument. The numbness I had felt during those days of only sitting in the jeep was the same I had felt at the devil’s house, only five times more intensely.

Gojyo wiped his eyes dry, then kept looking at me in uncertainty.
I was not craving for his affection nor was I looking for the devil’s ‘affection’. But I was looking for the devil’s sweet state of idleness, no love and no pain. Only a sun rising beneath me, the moon rising from time to time, water floating down the rivers around me and I in the middle as the silent statue of dead meat and a rotten mind.
I turned around, crossed the room under some ‘Sanzo!’ shouts from Gojyo and closed the door behind me. Seconds later I collided with Hakkai. He must have been lolling around in the corridor.
When I looked at him with a questioning gaze he smiled.

“Sorry…I came there when I heard these noises, is everything alright?”

“Nothing is and will be alright,” I muttered and passed him to head for the exit of this all.

“Sanzo! Would you…come back and…just, would you like to talk about it?”

I didn’t stop but kept walking.
“No.”

There was nothing to talk about, those things happened in silence and not under much words. I knew what I wanted and I knew where I could get it.
A soft something was touching my calf, and as I looked down I saw the cat plodding along to my right. I had never been free.
I jerked backwards; I had barely felt the strong grip on my shoulder but I was staggering and trying to catch myself now so not to fall down. I was turned around, forced to face the red. When I finally realized that he wanted to hold me back I shoved his hand off my shoulder and was about to turn around to continue my walk into hell, but he tried to catch me again.

I screamed, something very unfamiliar claiming my mind. It was something I hadn’t felt for a little eternity now, something I had almost forgotten. And it happened by itself, my eyes turned into small slits, I bared my teeth and my fingers clenched a fist.

“Fuck off, you idiot!” I shouted at him in blind rage.

And I was all the more stunned that he still tried to grab my wrist. But this time I was helped. The cat buried its claws in his leg, Gojyo screamed in pain and immediately let go to take a step back to escape that avenging angel. And I turned around and escaped in silence.

When I was standing in front of the inn, breathing the biting cold air, I decided to just try my luck and hope to find him again. My body complained in every way possible, my mind was screaming for some sleep but if I stayed at that inn now I’d never make it outside on my own again. Gojyo would chain me to the wall to prevent me from that.
The cat was near me again, purring and pressing its head against my legs, encouraging me in whatever I decided to do now.
I started walking. Just for the fuck of it, to get away from that other prison.

The following hours passed in something like a haze. Freezing coldness and moist fog had covered the floor and even reached the treetops when I got conscious of it. The other kind of fog was in my head, covering everything from my neck up to my hair roots. The cat was still walking next to me, giving me some warmth by occasionally touching my calves with its body. It was getting dark.
Darker.

My sight seemed to fade with the sunlight; the more darkness the absence of sun spread around me the more blurred got my sight, the more exhausted got my mind.
I was walking in complete darkness then, no moon shining down on this earth that night, no other source of light lighting up my face or anything.
My feet hurt like hell, I had got several splinters into my heels and toes because I was walking barefooted. Gojyo had freed me from those wicked shoes and I hadn’t put on any others since then.

But they didn’t hurt for long, they soon turned numb thanks to the cold. And it seemed to creep up my legs, my stomach and chest, sneaking up the veins of my arms and head and heart until I meant to faint.
Moments later I felt like dying, my situation was hopeless, things were irreparable. I had fled from the only sanctuary of warmth and love to look for the feeling of nothingness, to only exist and perish. Rotting away.

I tried to grab the branch of a tree as I fell, but I couldn’t reach it.
My face hit the floor, my nose buried itself into moist earth, my sore feet not touching anything anymore. With a mix of awe and comfort I felt the feeling of not touching anything spreading. It didn’t take long until my stomach and chest weren’t touching the ground anymore either. My head fell through non-existence, my mind followed and the world turned black.
A very deep and pleasing black.
I thought I had finally found my silent peace. The one I had been looking for all the way from Chang’an to that fucked up castle.

I wouldn’t have believed that it felt that good.



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