What was and what is

Part 1

Year 2009.

Bad things always happen at rainy days, and it was indeed a wet morning as Arthur ran through the halls of Alfred’s home. ‘Funny,’ he caught himself thinking, ‘I thought I was getting too old for these kind of things.’

A few steps from Alfred’s room he stopped op to make sure everything was at its right place - he slipped a hand through his hair, fixed the tie and clapped the red out of the cheeks, before he entered the room.

Alfred was sitting in the windowsill, looking out at the rain. He was still in his pyjamas, and in the dim light he looked like the kid Arthur used to raise. The elder smiled shortly, but made sure not to show any emotions as he with a stern voice asked:

“What’s the matter now?” and slammed the door shut. Alfred turned and smiled at Arthur, waving him closer as he nodded out of the window. Arthur let go of a sigh before complying with the younger’s gestures and went to the window. Outside the world was grey. Wet and grey and depressing. He raised the brows, threw a short look at the kid from the corner of his eyes, before shrugging the shoulders. “Am I supposed to see something special?” he dared to ask after a few seconds. Alfred rested his cheek against Arthur’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” he whispered with a raw morning-voice, “look to the right. Where the sun is going up.” Arthur did so. “You see? Rainbow. Beautiful, isn’t it?”

“I guess.” Arthur tilted his head a little to the side. “…is that all you called me up to see?” Alfred snickered.
“I thought you old men appreciated the natural joys in life.”

“We do, but not at 6 o’clock in the morning.” Alfred snickered again and turned his head as he pressed a light kiss to Arthur’s neck. Arthur shook his head: “Not now,” but Alfred slipped his arms around the man’s smaller frame as he trailed small, wet kissed up over his chin, his cheek, his mouth. As Alfred’s lips met with his own, he shoved the younger away, so that Alfred’s right shoulder slammed against the window.

“Alfred, I don’t want that kind of relationship.” Arthur wanted to sound cold-hearted, but his voice was shaking as he said the words. Alfred narrowed his eyes and looked down.

“Oh, that’s it?”

“I’ve told you before, don’t give me that look.”

“You’re always so uptight.” Alfred ran his fingers through the hair. Arthur bit down on his lower lip.
“Alfred, I do not think now is the right time to start a relationship.”

“Who ever said anything ‘bout a relationship?!” Alfred’s yelling made Arthur step back, and the younger frustrated slammed a fist down onto the sill. “Damn it, Arthur, you raised me to be a free man. You used to be a fucking pirate. At that time you didn’t speak of relationship, but of needs and lust and the joy of being satisfied here and now. What happened to that part of you?” Alfred’s eyes were filled with accusation. Arthur let go of a sigh.

“I guess I… grew up?”

“More like grew boring.”

“Alfred!”

“See! There it goes again! You were about to hold a speech for me about being a proper adult, weren’t you? Hah? Were you not?” Arthur stayed quiet. Alfred grunted. “Just what I thought. Well, spare me!” Alfred slipped down onto his feet and quickly walked past Arthur. The Englishman grabbed his sleeve to hold him back.

“Alfred, don’t let the emotions get the better side of you. I-”

Slap.

Arthur let go of Alfred’s sleeve as his hand went to the right cheek. His eyes were widened. Alfred sucked in air.
“Did you just.. Hit me?”

“You.. You shouldn’t try to hold me back!” Alfred gulped. “S-sorry, Arthur, I didn’t mean to-”

“How dare you!” His voice was roaring with anger, but in his eyes were nothing but confusion. “How dare you think you have the right to touch me like that!”

“Come on! It’s not like we haven’t fought before!” Arthur’s lips crept up into a fuming smile.

“Oh, of all people I didn’t expect you to bring up that old story again,” he hissed.

“Well,” Alfred sneered, leaning down so that their faces were provokingly close, “I think I just did anyway.” Arthur grabbed around Alfred’s chin as he looked him straight into the eyes.

“You just crossed the line, young man.”

“At least one of us tried to break that border stupidly separating us.” Alfred’s fingers locked themselves around Arthur’s hand holding his chin. Despite their awkward position, Alfred let go of a sad sigh and slowly smiled: “Why are you so scared of committing yourself to anyone? Not just me, also the others…”

Arthur closed his eyes. “I don’t want to take this discussion now.”

“You never want to. Arthur - is it something from your past? I know I am young. There are many things about your past that I don’t know about. But please - won’t you let me in?”

Arthur kept his eyes closed. He could not force himself to open them and look at Alfred in front of him. It had all went to far. He never meant to end up as he had, and he never, never meant to drag Alfred with into his emotional mess. But he had. And he did owe the younger an explanation.

But - how to explain? Arthur himself wasn’t sure why he had the troubles he had. He wasn’t sure where it all changed. He wasn’t sure…

“Alfred, I don’t know what to say-” He opened his eyes to gaze into Alfred’s, but something was wrong. Alfred’s eyes were white. They were cold. And they were dead. “Bloody hell!” Arthur moved back so quickly that he stumbled and fell to the floor. Alfred kept standing, but it was as if he had turned into a thing, a sculpture. “Bloody… hell…” Arthur’s eyes widened as he realised it wasn’t just Alfred - the whole room was turning into stone in front of him. He forced himself to stand up supporting himself to the windowsill, but his legs were shaking, and he had a hard time thinking straight. This wasn’t a dream, this wasn’t a nightmare - it had to be some kind of black magic.

That was the only explanation he had time to think of, for seconds later a thunder suddenly started roaring outside the window, and the room around him shattered into pieces, and he fell, fell, fell into darkness, fell into unconsciousness.

And he had never felt a greater emptiness than there.