Deal! Fortune!...in bed.

The Anime series “Shuffle” is brought to us by Funimation, not me. I do not profit financially from this. The line between dirty and filthy is clear but the line between naughty and just dirty always seemed dotted. Cold water reviews welcome.

[Title:] Deal! Fortune! The boy who could become either a god or a devil…in bed.

[Side Note:] See website link in profile for a review of the original series.

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Chapter 2: Pandora’s Periodical
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It made perfect sense, really. Sleep poorly, and the dreams made from those scraps of REM will have to go for broke. It made as much sense as those dreams being dominated by the very things that were keeping him up. Rin had no reason to be alarmed if he had to wake up to escape a frenzy of blatantly sexualized angel halos and devil pitchforks. It was okay for him to be unsettled, it was okay for him to be a little sweaty, but he was awake now and it was just OK. Maybe if he went right back to sleep he might even be able to repair the damage.

His subconscious had woken him up, so now it was up to his conscious to get him unconscious again. Unfortunately his conscious and his conscience were both vying for the lullaby microphone and making feedback.

The whole world devolving into an insane orgy might not seem such a terrifying prospect to most people, maybe not even to Rin himself. The prospect had become a possibility, though, and the possibility came with a warning from two fathers who were also kings and also deities.

They’d always seemed so good-natured, jovial even. They didn’t throw their unknowable power around like most authority figures he knew. After the near-catastrophe they’d survived bringing Primula’s magic under control, Rin almost flattered himself to think they shared some man-to-man respect.

Rin supposed it had been as respectful as possible when the king of the world of Devils had promised, in no uncertain terms, that if his daughter was mistreated:

“I will personally keep you alive for however long it takes you to properly regret it.”

No malice in his voice, but anything could be lurking in that lean demon frame.

Always equal and opposite, the king of the world of Gods had kept his eyes closed, head down, and arms folded. He sounded grave rather than threatening, as if he feared his wrath as much as anyone else should.

“Sia…my daughter…has a pure spirit. I will do what I must to honor that spirit.”

The conversation had clearly started and ended on the same note, but their attempt to explain the excuse that wouldn’t be, the Lemon Star, was more difficult to recall. They’d begun with the story of the truce between Gods and Devils. Apparently two ancient kings, their people having been enemies for longer than the oldest record, experienced the same epiphany one night.

It was common knowledge that the three worlds shared the same space, that they were separated by dimension rather than distance. Knowing this, but never considering it, the two kings were (according to both accounts) comparing the star charts…no, not comparing, Rin remembered. They both knew that their worlds shared the same constellations, but their seasons and astrology differed so much the point seemed moot.

Both monarchs, in a tangle of various maps, had each selected a star chart for their own purpose, and proceeded to plot points. They realized, after some minutes, that they’d been using a chart from the opposing world. Unlikely as it sounded in any world, the two kings both experienced an empathetic epiphany, a diplomatic compulsion, and sent an envoy to the other. The accounts differed, however, on whether those envoys met on the same road and fought to a draw, fell in love, or realized they both shared the same human mother.

Rin remembered a brief moment of levity when the two kings smirked at each other and acknowledged that neither world was truly certain which had been the first to make contact with humanity. He also remembered now, with a confused frown, how quickly they’d changed the subject. He’d wanted to ask why no one knew anything about inter-world contact before the official one on record.

That was pointless wondering, Rin figured, rolling his face further into his pillow and willing himself to relax. Forcing peace was silly, even for a contradiction, but worth a try.

Somehow trying to relax again became trying to remember.

The leaders of the two worlds had moved forward with shared optimism to create not just a statue, but an actual star as a symbol of unity. Space travel was easy with magic, apparently, but space was still so vast that the most powerful of them couldn’t be spared to potentially travel forever. Not until the inter-world treaty, that is. Under the new terms a team of powerful Gods and Devils set forth to construct and set forth on a magical ship. They were to visit the nearest star and place the new one in the same vicinity.

The King of the Gods had said, as an aside, and as much to himself as to Rin, that if everything worked out the three of them could go to the museums celebrating this grand undertaking. The Devil king simply repeated the word ‘if’ to Rin and Rin alone.

Everything about the project went without incident…officially. No one was supposed to know that the expedition did find one thing apart from a vast, lifeless void.

They’d come across a third star where only two were about to be. It was also artificial, but not like their own in any other way. They’d been discussing whether to classify it as a star or a comet, but most of the data recorded by the crew was lost because, on the way back, for approximately a day, the Gods and Devils on that ship…

Both kings had paused their exchange of interjection then, and looked at each other. Their faces were as serious as ever, but there was also an unmistakable blush.

Rin let it be when they settled with ‘became uncontrollably amorous.’

Other details were fuzzier. For instance, how the surface of the star was supposedly like the skin of a fruit, or how all people in high positions of government must have a plan should it ever come within close enough orbit to radiate its influence.

There were as many inconclusive documents as there were conclusive myths about how many times the star had made a strange day of the God and Devil worlds. There was no evidence, however, one way or the other, to hint if the human world had ever been affected, or if Gods and Devils could be affected while in the human world. The planetarium incident was the clearest warning they’d ever had.

The only thing for the two Patriarchs to do was make it clear that Rin’s gentlemanly resolve had better burn brighter than an ancient alien artificial sun.

Maybe if he tried some meditation he could go back to sleep. Maybe he could just spend the weekend in bed, play sick with something very contagious. Hiding might really be his only option if obsession led to conspiracy; he’d begun to suspect, following what he’d learned about the two princesses’ other selves, that a more…diplomatic crush could actually be more dangerous.

Before last night’s ominous study session, he’d already begun to imagine wild romantic back room negotiations. If the girls in his life were also as loyal friends as he knew them to be, they might actually be concocting some kind of symbiotic yet ultimately predatory plan to get him, or get him gotten by one of them, at least.

No, that was silly. Rin smiled and closed his eyes.

Maybe all the Gods and Devils were working together to make some kind of giant, light-sucking, chastity-belt-black-hole between earth and this star. That thought was silly, too, as was a chastity black belt. But as he lay on his back, stretching his toes at some out of reach relaxation, Rin realized that silly thoughts were easier to dismiss. He also noticed that he didn’t feel any different. He didn’t feel influenced by any heavenly bodies. The world seemed quiet. The house seemed quiet. The kitty’s paw steps were quiet as it searched for a place to snuggle on top of his blanket.

Did they get Primula a real cat?

Rin considered the question hazily.

They had not, but before he realized this he wondered why the cat seemed so large. After that he realized that cats kissed with rough tongues, not soft lips.

Rin opened his eyes quickly, but took too long by any standard to recognize Primula. Her hair was out and about, making her tightly closed eyes seem even more intense.

“What the-?!”

Rin jerked back, up and, most importantly, away. His head thumped against the wall, the headboard dug into his spine, the tears began welling up, but he didn’t complain. There were worse things. Unforgivable violations and brutal prison death, for instance.

“I woke up the sleeping prince.”

It was the sweetest, most innocent thing when Primula smiled, but this was a bit sweeter and a bit less innocent.

“P-pri-mu-rim-chan-pri-lu-mu…” Rin didn’t know whether to scream or whisper, and trying to do both hurt his throat. The very young lady, the very VERY young lady, just smiled. He’d never heard her laugh, but he could sense an impossibly cute little giggle coming up like a flesh-melting geyser. She didn’t make a sound though, she just fell forward, wrapping her arms tightly around him and nuzzling his ribs.

“I had such a nice dream, Rin.”

“Primula!” His gulping hiss sounded inhuman at best, but it didn’t deter his heroic princess.

“I dreamed that you were rescuing me from that scary place where I was trapped.”

Rin glanced about desperately for…what? For assistance? For a witness? For a very gentle crowbar?

“But then,” Primula’s small mumble almost lost itself in Rin’s shirt, “we both grew wings and flew up into the clouds. We were playing and…”

Primula hugged him tighter.

“Sto-!”

Rin caught himself before he bellowed at the top of his lungs. Something like ‘Rin feels warm’ purred up at him.

“Primula, you have to understand, people your age…they’re not supposed to-”

At this the tiny body relaxed and sat up with the usual blank and even more blessedly innocent expression.

“But people do it on the TV, and when I woke up people were doing it outside.”

Primula pointed at the window, still looking into his eyes.

She had a lot to look at; Rin could feel his retina twang like a bowstring. He could also feel a tiny bead of sweat yawn awake above his left eye and a mangy rodent prepare breakfast somewhere in his guts. A voice too clever for heaven and too clean for hell spoke to his mind through the ethers:

Good morning, Rin. Rise and shine.

It was instinct that grabbed Primula firmly by the shoulders, instinct that lifted them both out of bed in one movement and set her on her feet while he flew to the window. Years and years later, as an old man, Rin would tell people that he really did fly, just a little, but pure wingless flight just the same.

The curtains wailed like the windswept skirts of shy girls and the late morning sun blazed in like a spiritual epiphany. It may as well have been an epiphany for all that it consumed him. By the time Rin could process what he was seeing he couldn’t see part of it for his breath on the glass.

There were four backs out there, but only two people. Up against a fence, a utility man was holding a plainly dressed yet radiant woman as if she were an angel he refused to let return to the heavens. If he kissed her enough, clutched her tightly in the right places, surely the gods would let her stay. They had their clothes on, and would have been quiet if the fence hadn’t been so old.

The same could not be said for the scandal across the street. It was scandal, after all, the real and true definition. There really had never been one in town before, not to share space in Infamy with this. Rin was no forensic investigator, but it looked as if a car had hit a light post, killing the battery. As a solution, either the two passengers, or the driver and a helpful bystander, were trying to revive the car with kinetic energy. If they’d thought to use electrical cables, it might have worked, Rin imagined. One of them began using the fallen light post for extra leverage and Rin tried to stop imagining. Why add fuel to the fire, the sun, the frickinlemonstaroh…

“HOLY FUCKING HELL!”

“Is that what they’re doing, Rin?”

Primula hadn’t been scared by the outburst, or maybe her attention was also helplessly frozen to the spectacle outside.

“Primula…” Rin’s teeth hurt with the force of the calming breath he scraped from the air.

The young, young-young-young-young girl just stepped closer to the window.

Rin swung his hand in front of her eyes so quickly that she started.

“Primula! Listen to me now. There is…something…unhealthy! Something unhealthy in the air today! You need to promise me you’ll stay inside and not look out the windows, okay?”

“But why?” She asked with a tiny head tilt. Rin moved his hand diagonally to keep it over her eyes.

“Please. Primula, please do me this favor. You haven’t done anything wrong…well, except for…but the important thing is that everything should be fine tomorrow. You just have to keep away from the outside and from any strangers and-”

“You’re acting strange, Rin.”

“Primula, if you can just do this for me I promise I’ll give you whatever you want.”

Rin blinked for a long time, breathing a little more evenly, but then, under his hand, he saw Primula smile that smile again that she never should have smiled in the first place.

“NO KISSES!”

That one had actually taken Rin aback. It had sounded like a horrible old hag declaring the rule to everyone for the rest of time. Primula only slouched a little, frowned a little more, and began walking out of his room with a tiny “ok.”

It broke his heart, but relieved his immortal soul or the Right Thing to Do or whatever else he hoped he still had by the end of the day. Though, so far, it could have been much worse. Really. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe he just needed a good breakfast in him to-

“Kaede!”

Rin gasped the life back into his chest as Primula turned curiously back toward him.

“Primula, where’s Kaede?”

“She’s downstairs making breakfast.”

Rin bent forward, letting the sigh of relief take him where it would, which was not far.

“Wait…she isn’t…acting strangely…she’s…”

Rin gulped.

Primula blinked.

“What, uh, what is she wearing today?”

“She’s wearing an apron.”

“Oh good!”

The sigh took Rin a little farther this time but, and he will deny it to this day, the thought of Kaede in nothing but an apron gave him a sudden and very vacant grin.

“Wait, don’t tell me-”

Rin felt himself weakening. He’d never fainted before in his life, but he was almost ready to, almost ready to escape however he could.

“Kaede says it’s important to put an apron over your clothes any time you’re about to cook.”

“Over…over your clothes…of course. Tell her I’ll be down in a few minutes, okay Primula?”

“Okay.” She seemed little-cheered, but that was enough for Rin.

He sat on his bed and rested his head in his hands.

Maybe he should lock himself in his room, bolt it from both sides, just in case.

No. The time, the effort, it might just get him worked up and he needed to be calm.

Rin collapsed backward, miscalculated, and bounced off his bed to the floor.

He didn’t cry out, or even mumble; he didn’t deserve to. From his lowly perspective, however, he could see a sideways beam of salvation that looked just like a box of magazines. One, only one, of these magazines was not like the others. Itsuki had given it to him on the premise that he keep it safe. The real reason, of course, was that any healthy man might, according to Itsuki, need occasional private assistance.

It might, Rin thought with a suddenly dry mouth, be just the thing he needed. If he…various analogies involving weapons, gardening tools, and gym equipment flooded his mind. He imagined himself draining a dam before a storm. That was responsible. That was okay. He wasn’t a pervert; he was realistic.

“If I jerk myself like a monkey till I’m empty I won’t go crazy with some star-struck beast-boner…”

Rin had mumbled it to himself, but it rang in his ears so painfully that his eyes welled up with self-pity. His movements toward the magazine became more and more like a foul mouthed child sent to find the soap.

The box probably wasn’t as heavy as it felt as he dragged it out, but he still imagined a stone sealing an ancient arcane tomb. The magazines crinkled sickly as he piled them to the side. Except for one, of course; that one was still quiet and discreet in its black plastic.

Black had never been such an ominous color. He might have to use his imagination alone and throw this away, far away, without opening it. Itsuki was definitely the type to give him blunt, dirty porn. He was also the type to provide something that reestablished Japan’s rep. as the most perverted nation in the world. Rin recalled a story about a lady and a tiger, but this time the tiger might have tentacles. The Right Thing to Do sounded oddly high-pitched for a change:

Burn it, Rin! Burn it and bury the ashes!

Rin’s own mind spoke with typical uncertainty:

How bad could it be? Really. Itsuki’s a creep, but he’s not a creep-creep.

With simple reassurance:

At the worst, at the very worst, it’s going to be full of men. Big men.

With blunt reasoning:

Itsuki is my friend, so he worries about me. He probably picked something tame. It might even seem too tame after getting so worked up.

With unusual tolerance:

…I AM a healthy guy, right?

With an odd urgency:

A little precaution today could save my life.

With nothing else to offer, The Right Thing to Do responded:

…You could end up like that guy in the planetarium.

The thought of Kaede finding him in such a state, of Primula finding him like that after she’d-

The thought formed well enough to send the magazine flying across the room. The thought formed more completely and sent Rin across the room to pick it up, open the window, and toss it out as far as he could. He even took the extra consideration to make sure he threw it like a Frisbee instead of a football, but he didn’t aim. Pandora’s periodical hit a pedestrian in the back of the head.

The car had limped away and the fence was silent. The street around this person was quiet now, appropriately inappropriately quiet around a short man, alone, in a trench coat…on a warm morning. The man rubbed his head, looked around, picked up the magazine, looked around again, and opened the wrapping. After a few page turns he looked around more urgently, tucked it under his arm, and walked. By the time he was out of site he seemed to be jogging.

Rin hung his head and collapsed back onto his bed a little more carefully this time.

The posture wasn’t very comfortable, but the sun felt nice through the open curtains. The sun was warm, not hot. The sun was warm, not bright, more like a blanket than a lamp. Rin couldn’t help but laugh at his situation. Laughing felt good. His skin felt good. His muscles felt good. His junk was feeling more valuable by the second.
It was nice, sighing and chuckling at the same time. Rin smiled and ran his hands through his hair. He sat up and thought of his teacher. She didn’t normally wear glasses. She didn’t normally give extra credit, either.

The neighborhood was quiet except for the birds. The birds sounded so sweet and happy compared to his teacher and her dirty, dirty mouth. She was still so gentle, though. A bird would probably eat from her hand. Anyone would. The sun felt good and looked just as good on her skin. The sunshine would feel better if he sat up straighter, better yet if he gave himself some more air. His teacher’s hand would be more gentle than his own, and probably warmer.

Kaede’s apron, probably from being near the stove, was almost as warm on his back as the sun was on his chest. Her hand joining his was as sweet and gentle as a breeze through fresh blossoms. The sudden knot of fear in his throat froze him more like stone than ice. He was still warm. They were both so warm.

“Let me…let me help you, Rin.”

Kaede’s breath tickled his ear and he shivered, then shivered again. His knees in his hands felt at once too hard and not sturdy enough. He gulped, gasped, opened his eyes, and closed them tightly.

“It’s okay, Rin. Everybody already thinks I help you…with everything, b-but no one has to know. I won’t tell anyone…if you don’t want me to.”

Small voices shouted on the foggy shores of his mind like distant seagulls. How Kaede had managed to sneak up on him, how Rin could make her stop; these questions all sank, or drifted out on the tides of a vast hot spring. All Rin could manage was the ghost of Kaede’s name, dissipated into steam through his teeth.

Some line, toe-traced through the sand, disappeared under foam. The space in his head the Right Thing used to patrol was being renovated into a garden, a fountain rimmed with dancing nymphs. Panic was close enough to excitement that the questions easily morphed from anxious to curious. He wouldn’t let himself remember, but Rin definitely wondered then whether all good cooks, with their skillful hands, had this talent.

In one hungry movement, Kaede licked her hand, wrist to fingertip, and continued more confidently. Her neck pressed into his shoulder, her breasts into his back. She gulped and he felt it against his collar bone. She gritted her teeth for half a moment and he felt it everywhere. Those slender tendons, the soft bit beneath her chin, Rin had noticed that area just the other day. It had to be so soft that, if he actually touched it with his hand-

Rin gripped the bed. There was nothing keeping him there, nothing he couldn’t deflect with little more than a shrug, but her neck…why her neck? Her hand felt better, and then better still, so delicate, so… but her neck was pure. No one could touch her neck, her throat, that vital, vulnerable area. She leaned in closer and swallowed again. Her neck. Her hand. Kaede was an angel. Nothing real could be so soft.

“It’s okay, Rin. I want to help you. It feels good, doesn’t it?”

Her breath, at once hushed and heavier, touched his own neck and he bent forward with a gasp framed by a helpless smile. Kaede’s breasts shifted slightly.

“Let it…let it go. Let me-”

Rin knew, not bothering to wonder, not able to judge, that Kaede was touching herself with her other hand. She drew a very deep breath, slowing the hand on him. She kept drawing it steadily even as two quick little gasps tumbled out of Rin.

Kaede was an angel. Everything she did was caring, caring for herself only so that he could be cared for. It was ok, it was good that she did this, it was good that she let herself feel it too. The sun didn’t feel different, it must be, but it didn’t feel different. It was warm and beautiful. This was warm and beautiful and felt so very good. It felt better and better and yes, wonderful. Yes. Yes, the sunlight felt good, the sharp and tightening breaths between them were good. They were good. Even if they regretted today no regret could kill now.

Rin let it go. A rush of pins, a stampede of fallen-asleep feet ran out from his body into the entire world. He nearly collapsed to the side, holding on with one elbow and half a hand. Kaede fell with him, her neck still on his shoulder, her hand still on him. Explosive, impossible sensation still flooded through her touch. Again, he knew, without needing to wonder, that she was close behind him.

Her neck tensed as she made a tiny, unbelieving noise, her muscles hot and vital beneath that stainless skin. Ragged gasps passed over him, up and into the sunshine. Kaede relaxed her grip, but her hand, her arm, her whole body hesitated. Rin didn’t know what to do, either. Should they hold each other now? Should they go about their day with the same normal polite distance? The Right Thing To Do was in the fountain, trying to shut it off…or scavenging change. The nymphs giggled and the fountain bubbled. The nymphs giggled and splashed each other, play fighting between Seppuku for letting a perfect being sully herself, and charging outside to celebrate the sharing of pleasure in the light of day. The more his mind fought, however, the weaker his body became, and going back to sleep seemed a better and better compromise.

“Oh no! What have I done?”

Kaede was upset. Rin had to do something fast. He had to climb out of this blissful peach pink tar pit and reassure, and apologize, and board up the windows and at least mumble something.

Rin mumbled something. He didn’t know what.

“How careless. I’ll take care of it, Rin.”

Kaede was upset, but not lost innocence upset, not even burnt dinner upset. She was kneeling down across from him, wiping at the wall and floor with her apron. Rin thought he heard her mumble something about club soda.

A half-delirious surge of chivalry stood Rin up, closed his pants, and spoke for him in as casual a voice as there never was: “Don’t worry, Kaede, I’ll go get some soap and towels.”

Rin turned on his heel and marched toward the door. His thoughts were flimsy prayers caught between Primula missing the whole event and Kaede forgetting it. Maybe he’d survive today and even tomorrow. He’d find the cleaner and make a joke of this. Sure. The cleaner could be anywhere, but he’d find it…but maybe too late. Rin turned back and forced a laugh.

“Where is the cleaning stuff, anyway?”

She didn’t answer, but Rin knew he had to hurry. Kaede shouldn’t be cleaning up his shame with her apron, especially when it was all she had to wear.