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Smells Like After School Special	By : CyreliaJ Category: +G to L > Hetalia: Axis Powers Views: 1774 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or any of its characters. I'm also not making any money off of this.

Chapter List
- 1-Smells Like After School Special
- 2-Chapter 2
- 1
- 2
Note: Thank you all for reading. This is continuing with language and content warnings for child abuse, incest, offensive language and sensitive content. Way too many 90s references to count as well.
   “You’re going where?!” Alfred could almost hear the wince on the other end of the line at the exclamation as his twin answered back with a grumble.
“You don’t have to shout, Al… We’re going to England.” He sighed as if he were trying to muster up all this patience- like Alfred was the one being all unreasonable and crap and not the Pretty Woman wannabee jet setting on some euro tour with an old pervert who might have been a lot of things but Richard Gere sure as hell wasn’t one of them.
“Are you shitting me!? You can’t just leave the country you don’t even have a passport!”
“Well of course Arthur took me to get one but-”
“Dude I am so not letting you just leave the country?”
“Let?” Alfred didn’t miss that change in Matthew’s voice oh yeah knew that dangerous quiet just like that time that Lithuanian kid went all psycho bully killing on Gilbert like that guy in A Christmas story. Course to hear that loudmouth tell it that was totally what he was trying to do the whole time was to get him to toughen up but yeah, Alfred so didn’t want to get into it like that with Mattie right now. Yeah, “let”, Mattie. Let ‘cause you may be older but I’m the only one who ever seems to be thinking clearly or about anyone but themselves. Let ‘cause I never shoulda let you walk you the fucking door that night and shack up with Bad Touch Winston the Third I shoulda just burned the whole fucking house down.
   “Oh hey, look who’s home, I thought you forgot how to get here, Mattie? That dirtbag you hang out with finally run out of weed?” Mattie just shoved right past him like he always did and he really shoulda been grateful that Alfred hadn’t thrown all his shit out to make room for more kids stuff. It was a helluva lot more cramped since Jacob was born and now he was the third kid half walking and God was it ever easier to just leave the house entirely instead of trying to keep them out of everything. Alfred kept one ear to the baby monitor, one ear to Arsenio as he sat back on the couch ready to catch an hour or two of what he prayed to God was uninterrupted sleep.
   He could hear Mattie packing more shit up and yeah didn’t it figure he was only coming home long enough to get clean clothes. Alfred stretched and rolled over, kneeling on the couch placing a mental bet as to whether it was that Cuban guy or some other- holy shit it was a fucking-
“I don’t know when I’ll be back Al so you might want to find somewhere else to stay or you know likeIsaidamilliontimes call CPS before she goes off but I know you won’t so-“
“So what the hell is that parked outside, Matttie, your fucking pimp or something?” Mattie was kneeling in front of the stereo console looking through records his Jansport backpack next to him stuffed to bursting. Mattie ignored him as he grabbed out half of the gayest shit he could fine starting with Flock of Seagulls and probably ending with Depeche Mode. Alfred looking out the window again trying to see what he could fumbling for the table lamp thinking if he pulled the light chain maybe he could-
   “Al,” Mattie whisper hissed in protest as Alfred waived a hand making hand binoculars to see if he could make out anymore. “Al please turn the light on I don’t want him to think I’m some kinda weirdo.”
“So who’s the guy, Mattie? I can’t tell from here but he’s dressed like Mr. Belvedere. That your date or some old fart from the nursing home?”
“It’s none of your business, Al,” Mattie grumbled pulling the drapes back and turning the lamp back on. “So like I said...” He shuffled his feet looking nervously at the dark hallway. “I won’t be back for a few days orlongerifI’mlucky so...“
“So what else is new Mattie?” Alfred snorted flopping back on the couch “You’re never here anyway.” He reached for the can of coke annoyed that Mattie seemed bound and determined to block the TV. “C’mon, move it or lose it already, the house isn’t gonna fall apart without you so go do whatever the hell you’re gonna do with jeeves out there.”
   “His name is Arthur,” Mattie grumbled as he went to retrieve the small stack of record and his backpack. “His name is Arthur and he’s a professor at Princeton.”
“What?!” Alfred sat bolt upright listening for the monitor, for any hint that he woke someone up but no nothing, thank God. “What did you say,” he asked more quietly, annoyed by that stupid girly smile on Mattie’s face.
“I... I met him at the record exchange a few weeks ago.” Mattie ducked his head tucking his hair nervously behind his ear like some girl blabbing about her boyfriend. Alfred sighed and rolled his eyes. “ Yeah, right away. What’s a guy that old doing trolling for kids? Probably some kinda pedophile who’s gonna slit your throat and dump you in a ditch.” Mattie giggled and right then and there Alfred knew the little shit was fucking high like he always was. God he had no idea why he even tried to be decent to that little twerp! Mattie covered his mouth and looked at Alfred like they were kids under the sheets talking about being superheroes and that just made it so much worse.
   “He thinks I’m mature for my age,” Mattie said looking so much like a kid there was no way in hell that weird old fart wasn’t fucking with him. Alfred hated that asshole already. “Actually... actually what he said was,” Mattie affected just about the worst british accent Alfred had ever heard when he said “I don’t mean to be forward but you’ve got the most brilliant eyes I’ve ever seen in my-“
“Oh come on, Mattie, even you gotta know a line when you hear one. There’s no way you’re really gonna-“
“He told me I’m... I’m the best looking bloke he’s ever set his eyes on I mean who talks like that Al? Arthur. Arthur Kirkland, that’s who.”
“Yeah I’ll have them put that on your tombstone when they bury you next to dad.”
   ‘Yeah, bullseye.’ Alfred watched his brother go all stiff like he really gave a damn, shouldering the backpack silently.
“Maybe I just wanted to be with someone who actually cares about me, Al.”
“Don’t give me that guilt trip bull crap, you’re the one who spends all day sleeping with mom staggering around wasted like a zombie cleaning up after you.”
“...is that what she told you?”
“Yeah you know she’s even trying to clean her shit up. I think think she’s had an OD in how long. When I came home she said she was trying to stay clean for Jacob, trying to make up for...” Alfred trailed off watching Mattie shuffle to the door like he was the damn zombie.
“That’s what she said is it?” Mattie swallowed and Alfred figured he might be feeling guilty for being such a little shit.
“Yeah that’s what she said Mattie and I think she means it ‘cause she hasn’t been... you know it’s been...”
   Mattie turned the doorknob just ignoring him after all and it was making Alfred pissed how Mattie never seemed to give a shit about anything but himself and his stupid pot.
“You know it wouldn’t kill you to at least pretend like you-“
“Goodbye, Al.”
“Hey!” Alfred jumped off the couch as Mattie turned the doorknob. He didn’t know what the hell Mattie’s problem was but he needed a serious reality check and Alfred was determined to- Was he crying? No way. No way after all the hell he was putting them all through did he have a lot of nerve to act all- “Hey!” Alfred grabbed his shoulder. “Hey, dammit what the hell is with you, Mattie? I’m not letting you fucking leave like this just ‘cause you think you’re better than everyone else?“ Mattie just laughed at him some real ugly sound like he was gonna start screaming at any second. It was probably that stupid shit he was smoking.
   “That’s it Al. Yeah... yeah that’s it youknoweverythinganywayso...”
“I’m not letting you do this, Mattie. I’m not letting you run off-“
“Let?!” Mattie’s voice was soft, was whisper quiet but he dropped the bag and set the records down looking like he was actually gonna fight. They hadn’t fought since they were kids and it always ended with Alfred sitting on his brother’s head and yeah Mattie better bring it ‘cause Alfred was about to kick his brother’s ass six ways to Sunday. “Yeah Mattie, someone’s gotta man the hell p around here and it sure as hell ain’t you so-“
“So you’re a man now, Al? So you’re-“
“I’m not some little drug addict faggot running off with a fucking pedophile so yeah, Mattie, I am.” Alfred so wasn’t backing down, wasn’t gonna let his brother’s stupid shit keep going like this.
   Mattie just laughed again but he didn’t shove, he didn’t hit, he just took his sweatshirt off, took his shirt off and Alfred thought he’d finally ended up like those Reefer Madness PSA crazy druggie kids like on TV when he just stood there and smiled at him nastily.
“I’m not a faggot, Al, remember. I can’t be a faggot. She cut it out of me, or did you forget that?” And then was when Alfred looked at him- he really didn’t like looking at Mattie now that he thought about it because all those scars were still there, still angry and red from months earlier when She went after him with the knife. Cut after cut Mattie told him in the ER, not to kill him but to... yeah... Alfred swallowed and turned away. He still felt sick to his stomach when he thought of how much he’d had to beg and threaten to get Mattie to say it was a mugging gone wrong and clam up when the doctor started lecturing him about the weed he smelled. Fuck why the hell did Mattie have to bring that up of all things? “So where were you then, Mister Man? Huh?”
“Alright, Mattie, just... just put your shirt back and just-“ Matthew grabbed the bag and the records those eyes still angry, still hurt and as helpless as he felt Alfred didn’t even know what to say to him when he walked out the door.
   Yeah, Alfred so didn’t need to be thinking of all that at a time like this. He still didn’t know if he was more upset at the way this whole thing turned out or that it was Mattie’s stupid leaving that tipped Her back into crazytown and ODing months later. and yeah, so not going there right now. Right now it was over and Mattie might as well be a world apart let alone in England and Alfred just... just hated the idea that his brother would be even more unreachable. Alright, Al, dial it back already and just... just don’t screw this up.
“Dude, you don’t even speak British or whatever weird pip pip cheerio language they talk over there.” He tried another tact not wanting to get into a shouting match. The kids were being good and quiet and Mattie couldn’t get mad at him over every stupid little thing. “Y’know they... they call the toilet a loo? They call cigarettes “fags” for chrissake like eat spotted dick pudding and-”
   “I’m going Al.” All mature like he knew everything in the whole stupid world, yeah that was Mattie all right. “Arthur wants me to meet his family in Ipswitch,” Matthew sounded far too damn happy for a dickbag who bailed on his kids and Alfred just kinda marveled at how easy his brother’s moods went from a to c without so much as punting b in the nuts and it made him worry that Arthur guy was giving him harder shit or doing something but god how the hell was he gonna tell Mattie anything? “I mean I’m really nervous because I want them to like me but-“
“Dude you sound like a fucking girl.” Alfred twined the cord of the Snoopy phone around his finger as he sat on the bed eyeballing the three kids on the floor watching Rudolph warily. He still couldn’t get his brother to talk to any one of them even though the boys were usually starting to grab at the brightly colored phone when he talked. Sometimes he dialed the automated voice reading the time just for a little piece. The phone, thirty whole dollars was his Christmas gift to himself and like the most awesome thing ever. Of course it paled in comparison to a fucking world tour but he took his little bits of happy where he could get them.
   “Shuttup jerk,” Matthew responded automatically. “Do you um… Should I… should I get you something? Like a souvenir maybe or um… for the um…”
“Y’know, you’re not gonna get struck by lightning if you stop pretending our kids don’t exist asshole,” Alfred snapped back annoyed. So yeah the second job helping Ivan out flashing roofs turned up some extra money for gifts and a tree- provided he kept the pine needles vacuumed he could even keep it in the living room for everyone- but his back hurt, his legs hurt, his hurts hurt and he wasn’t feeling very charitable. He’d barely had any time to spend with his own fucking children between working and sleeping and he only thanked god that Natalya was feeling unusually charitable in exchange for a few packs of cigarettes. Hell he was glad he was here instead of anywhere else ‘cause no one thought twice about letting them run around their yard while he and Ivan worked. Course they were getting a lot more wild than they used to be but he knew he only had himself to blame and he’d just have to work a little harder at it.
   He heard Matthew sigh again and wondered why he still felt like a douche even when he was in the right and busting his ass to be a good father and all adult and shit while his brother just bent over the sofa or desk or wherever the hell that pedo liked screwing him and-
“Al…” They’d been over the same argument more times than he could count and it seemed like his brother had given up on rehashing it for now. “I… I hope you have a good Christmas. I’ll get something for… for everyone.” And that’s it, isn’t it? You can’t even say their fucking names, can you? You were right there with me up when Jonathan used to cry at night. You were the only one they’d even stop fucking crying for before I finally realized the music did the trick. You were the one who used to bandage Selene when she’d flip out and get all banged up. God it’s like we’re just some dirty little secret you wanna scrape under the rug or something.
“Y’know a little money wouldn’t hurt either, Mattie. Didn’t you tell me last month that fucker was buying you a car?” And oh man he felt like some single mom begging her deadbeat sperm donor for diaper money but fuck between Selene’s birthday and Christmas and the boys’ birthdays coming up he just couldn’t stand to disappoint any of them.
   “Al that’s not like allowance money I’m giving you... You just don’t...” His voice dropped all hushed like Arthur was lurking around the damn corner ready to wail on him or something and God Alfred wished he knew what the hell was going on in there ‘cause so help him if he had to take the bus out there and kick that fucker’s ass... “I have to s-... Arthur doesn’t...” he trailed off and sounded that weird kinda sad like he did when they were still living at home and Alfred was getting on him about helping out with the kids instead of staying out all damn night and he almost swore that Mattie was gonna say something important but just stopped. “I’ll get it Al.” Alfred almost thought he was gonna hang up real quick like he did a lot of times and he wondered why Mattie was embarrassed to be talking to him or something. It’s not like Arthur didn’t know he existed, but then again the shoe was on the other foot often enough when they were kids so it’s not like he could really complain. “Sorry... I really should get going because it’s getting close to ten and Arthur likes me to be punctual for bed so-”
“You have a fu-rigging bedtime?!” he blurted out thoughtlessly only remembering to curb the profanity at the last second completely missing the way that Jonathan kept looking from him to the TV motioning for him to hang up and come over. He just held up a finger ‘cause god he only got to talk to his brother like once a month.
   “It’s... He gives me... He makes me feel... like... nevermind... you wouldn’t-”
“I... I miss you Mattie,” Alfred cut in as he listened to a chorus of screams when the claymation snow monster appeared and it reminded him of the two of them watching the same thing ten years ago with mom making Christmas dinner for dad’s family and their cousin Peter crying when they started screaming and dad chasing them around the tree only half serious and... And if he kept talking then his brother couldn’t hang up and leave him all alone again and he could just pretend that Mattie was at a friend’s house and might even come home any second. “Hey Mattie... remember the year we went to John Wannamaker to ride the train and how awesome it was with all the snow?” Mattie didn’t answer and it almost made him afraid that dirty old man hung up on him but he was sure that somewhere in there he heard Mattie suck in a breath and he just kept talking. “Wouldn’t it be really cool if we went there again with the kids and like got pictures with Santa and-”
   “You left me there.”
“Huh?” What the hell was he talking about? “Dude have you been smoking that shit again ‘cause-”
“You left me there,” Mattie said louder and it sounded at least from Alfred’s end like his brother was doing that crazy shaking rage thing that he did when he was about to go off and say a bunch of below the belt stuff and- “You don’t remember?! The only reason it even happened was because of you!” Well no he didn’t remember and he wasn’t sure how he’d forget something like that but Mattie had a memory like an elephant where all those stupid things like locking him int he basement or eating his ice cream were concerned.
“Uh, okay Mattie I’m really sorry I brought it up ‘cause I just kinda forgot and-”
“Of course you forgot, you always forget! You forgot how you thought it would be funny to switch my hand from mom to that woman in the pink coat when we were waiting to cross that big street in front of the store.”
“Mattie I’m-”
“You forgot that the three of you just kept walking and didn’t even turn around when I realized you weren’t coming back and started calling for you!”
   “I’m really sorry just...” Just don’t hang up on me angry. Don’t hang up ‘cause I’m real scared I’ll never talk to you again if you do with the cars and trips and your new friends and that stupid fucking Arthur and if you’re trying to teach me some kinda lesson it’s working okay so- So maybe he must’ve sounded ten kinds of pathetic because his brother actually stopped mid yell and Alfred figured he prayed to St Monica for patience or something because Mattie sounded like normal again when he said,
“Yeah... I know you’re sorry... you’re always sorry.”
“No like really sorry. Like that time I put your underpants on the flagpole sorry...” Oh God why’d he have to go remind him of that? “Like I’m a jerk, you know that. You know I’m a total asshole and you always forgive me ‘cause you’re like the best brother ever right? Because you love me and can’t stay mad at me and pleasedon’thangup!” And it was weird sometimes how it seemed like he could hear his brother’s facial expressions but he could’ve sworn that Mattie was giving that little smile that he gave when Alfred was being just so lame it was “cute” as he would say- and how Alfred never figured he was queer always saying weird little girly stuff like that Alfred would never know- and forgive him and sometimes even share his Snickers for good measure.
   “You’re a total dumbass, y’know that?” Yeah, Mattie was definitely smiling and it really made Alfred wonder again if that limey fucker wasn’t drugging him or something because usually his brother took more work than that to calm down but well hell at least one of them was doing okay for themselves. But Alfred just smiled back because he got all the kids new clothes for Christmas Mass and Jack’s wife was actually gonna cook everyone dinner ‘cause she said the tree put her in a good mood and he could so go for more of that and as much as it sucked balls climbing all those roofs with Ivan messing with him the extra money was nice. Maybe he could even get Selene enrolled at St Hedwig’s as like a charity case or something and they could get a good upbringing with the church like he and Mattie would’ve if they hadn’t been yanked out after seventh grade. Course fat lot of good it did his brother so maybe he didn’t get smacked enough with the ruler by Sister Theresine.
   “If I’m a dumbass what does that make you, loser?”
“The smart one.” That was what Mattie always said back since they were little and it was usually while Alfred was grounded or laid up with a broken leg for doing something dumb like trying to Indiana Jones it off the roof with a rope while Mattie just ran and tattled like a stupid little stool pigeon. And right now he really wished his brother was here with him even if it would make it more cramped and even if he had to sleep on the floor ‘cause the monster popped up again and Selene screamed and threw something at the TV which just got the other two going and holy crap something was gonna get broke if he didn’t... God he didn’t want to hang up. He didn’t want to let go of Mattie it wouldn’t... god whatever it was it could wait just long enough. Just another minute.
   “Hah! Yeah right you wish! So anyway I was thinking maybe you could come over when you get back and-“ He watched in almost slow motion as Jonathan got up and smacked his hand down on the phone base disconnecting the call and if it had been someone else he’d have laughed but instead he just looked stupidly at the receiver and then at the kids and terrified of the thought of his brother never calling him again busted out a big “What the fuck did you do that for?!” Of course no one answered as he hung the phone up real quick and waited for it to ring back because Mattie had the number where Alfred didn’t and god why wasn’t he calling back already and Alfred just whirled again red faced and screamed,
“What the hell is wrong with you?!”
   Alfred had honestly never seen such a blank expression on a child’s face before. Sure he’d yelled and yeah he raised his voice and swore by accident although he never went off quite like that. It was really quiet for a moment and he was honestly half afraid his son was gonna touch off a chain reaction waterworks except all that time with Jack’s wife and Ivan’s younger sister must’ve really desensitized him to loud swearing or something ‘cause all he did was blink a few times and look between the phone and Alfred like he was trying to think of some deep philosophical answer to the question and finally he just said,
“Daddy talk too much.” And Alfred swore to himself, to the Virgin Mary, and Jesus and Joseph and like half a dozen saints to get him through the next eighteen or however the hell many years without killing himself or one of them. Oh god why was he having thoughts like that? Good parents didn’t have thoughts like that. Good parents didn’t think about chucking their kids out the window or just hiding in the bathroom the rest of the night or just running the fuck away ‘cause that was what lazy selfish shits like Mattie did it wasn’t what heroes did! Superman wouldn’t do that oh god even Batman would just...
   And of course by this time Jacob was like ready to gear up the waterworks and Alfred just grabbed Jonathan and hugged him tightly and inhaled, exhaled, tried to calm the hell down because he was not a bad father or some psycho child abuser who swore up a blue streak at his kids and called them stupid like Toris’ father or beat the shit out of them every other week with the belt like the asshole Gilbert’s mother had been dating and oh god why couldn’t all this crap come with a manual or a hotline or something?!
“Oh jesus I’m sorry Johnny! Daddy’s sorry. Daddy’s an impatient asshole and I’m sorry I yelled at you ‘cause I know I’m not spending enough time with you guys with work and work and-“ And fucking sleeping and going to the bathroom or that half hour he was chatting up Ukraine on the front porch and he sank to his knees and reached out with his other arm and hugged Jacob to him trying not to cry like some stupid pussy because this shit was hard and he wasn’t… wasn’t gonna fuck this up.
“Bad daddy!” Jacob cried even though he wasn’t the one being yelled at and Christ the both of them just started wailing and Alfred swore if Selene started he was just gonna fucking join them.
   Except that she just looked at the three of them unsure of what cue to follow and looked from her brothers to Alfred and just when he thought she was gonna join right in she looked at Jonathan with a frown as if she were searching for the words which had to be crazy because she only seemed to know like two or three words no matter how much Sesame Street they watched. Oh but she did and when she did he heard it loud and clear like she’d been talking for years when she said,
“You hung up on daddy.” And that did it. That fucking did it. He just knelt there looking at the ceiling feeling the wetness on his face as he closed his eyes and held the boys close and wondered just what the hell he did to deserve all this crap Are you shitting me? God I know I haven’t been the best Catholic in the world and I don’t go to church as much as I should and I swear and committed incest and fornication but God you know that wasn’t my fault so why you can’t just cut me some damn slack and give me a break with this shit and just leave me the hell alone already?!
   “I’m daddy...” he sobbed out. “Not him. Me... me!” Stop crying, Jesus Christ just stop crying. He had no idea if he meant the boys or himself at that point as he tried to remember to breathe and just not think about tomorrow being more of the same fucking shit or the fact that trying to jack off in the bathroom to either of Ivan’s sisters brought her face to his mind and had him dry heaving into the sink for nearly ten minutes. “I’m daddy, dammit,” he half whispered. “Who am I if I’m not daddy?” he asked no one in particular but God was really on one helluva sadistic roll because he heard Selene through the tears and the pounding in his chest clear as a bell say “Alfred.”
   He was pretty sure that he cried harder than the kids when she said that.
   Of course there was only so long he could cry like a little bitch before he realized how ridiculous he must’ve looked and funnily enough that actually stopped everyone else. And the boys hugged him and hell even Selene swallowed whatever weird touch aversion she had and patted his shoulder with an awkward “don’t cry” and suddenly things weren’t quite so shitty anymore. And Mattie called him back and he even got a call from Toris asking how he was so yeah he’d definitely had worse nights than that before. He didn’t stay long on the phone but if he could pick him up Toris was gonna be down with Felix for New Years and he’d already warned him that he wasn’t exactly in a position to party or anything but then again Toris’ idea of fun was Magic the Gathering so he supposed it wasn’t gonna be all that rowdy.
   He was cleaning the small room the best he could. Ivan actually invited them all over- it was crazy how everyone seemed to know each other- but he just knew they’d want to at least see where he was staying and he didn’t want it to look like some seedy dive. He even made sure that he’d dressed everyone up all nice for company and so far they were holding at one stain and a run in Selene’s little white tights with the candy canes but all things considered it could’ve been worse. She’d fallen in love with the little brown Fisher Price tape recorder and was sitting all nice and quiet just staring at the little nubs spinning the tape as Belinda Carlisle played- god he didn’t know if he could listen to “Circle in the Sand” and Selene mumbling “‘round and ‘round” any more- but she finally half nailed the potty thing so he was just gonna roll with it.
   Right now he was trying to save up for a bunk bed so at least the boys could have their own bed on the ground and Alfred could sleep up top and then maybe they could rearrange stuff so that Selene could have some kinda space that was hers too. And god he had to plan for Jacob’s birthday in February and Jonathan’s in April- last time he ran into Gilbert at the mall the other dropout had called them Irish twins whatever the hell that meant- and see if he could use the dining room ‘cause there was no way they were gonna get lucky like they did in November for Selene where the weather was weirdly warm and everyone smelled the barbecue from the yard and came over.
   He went over to the bed and fussed with Selene’s hair one more time. Magdalena had taught him some fancy french braid thing after asking him if he knew any other style for “that poor girl’s hair” other than pigtails. Where she thought he’d know girly crap like doing hair he had no idea but after she told him he was so dumb she could write with him she showed him this and a few other things. It turned out pretty good, he had to admit. Alfred examined the red velvet dress again and wondered if he shouldn’t throw on another pair of tights instead ‘cause he was really trying to make a good impression here because Ukraine was gonna be there too and just last week she was saying how much she was looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him and the kids and Ivan had told him she was like 22 and she had told him how much she liked children and wanted them when she met Mr Right.
   But hey he came with 3 ready made no muss no fuss and she would make a totally rocking mom and if they had a few too well... Well it’d be weird ‘cause there was this part of him that kinda thought just him and Mattie as being their parents but kids didn’t have two dads they had a mom and a dad or one or the other or like that one girl Elizaveta that he went to school with who had 2 “moms” except they were like 2 nuns or something who were raising her ‘cause her parents died.
   But hey Mattie was like a thousand miles away in England and he had to think about what was going on now and what was best for his kids and they really should have a mom. Well, Alfred F. Jones cleaned up pretty nicely when he put his mind to it and he looked real quick in the mirror hanging up on the wall adjusting his vest for the millionth time. His hair was slicked back and he even had Dorota help him with the tie ‘cause he was seriously hopeless and he thought he made a pretty good look if he did say so himself.
“So, team,” he started as he shot his reflection a grin and a thumbs up, “What do you guys say to having a hot new mommy?” He sat down on the bed as Jonathan chirped out a “who?” and Selene looked about as thrilled as she did about anything else he’d ever tried to get her excited about but then again she was busy stopping and rewinding the tape again. She seemed to like the rewind sound almost as much as the music. He just hoped that was some kinda weird girl code for “yeah totally psyched Daddy”.
“Mommy?” Jacob asked and Alfred was sure he remembered next to nothing about his real mom and thinking about it, none of them really saw much of Her when she was alive anyway; he’d tried to make sure of that.
“Mmmhmm.” His grin was just about to go flying off his face it was so big as he stood up again full of nervous energy but hey, he’d just gotten back the other night from the most awesome date ever so he could afford to be a dork about it.
   “You guys remember Ivan’s sister?” he spit into his hands and tried once again to tame that damn cowlick without much success while the three of them were waiting for the doorbell to ring. Maybe they should wait in the living room instead. And as he worked the thing and wondered if Dorota would let him borrow her mousse he could see Selene in the mirror slap the sides of her face and scream like Kevin in Home Alone. He’d rented the movie as part of their Christmas present; it was part of his too since Ukraine came along and let him kiss her on the lips when the kids weren’t looking. Sometimes he snuck a few sniffs of the pillows swearing he could smell her lilac perfume on it. Alfred almost choked on his own saliva trying not to laugh when he watched his daughter- she seemed to be mellowing out now that he just gave up on trying to get her to call him dad.
“Not Natalya silly!” he said through his laughter as he finally gave up on that stupid bit of hair and turned around. “His older sister, gawd.” Alfred rolled his eyes dramatically and just about melted when she smiled at him. She seemed to be doing that a lot since his Christmas freakout.
   “Big tits?” Jacob asked and Alfred actually could feel the color drain from his face at that one. Holy crap of all the things for him to pick up it had to be that.
“Haha… uh… yeah…” He picked his youngest up and flicked him lightly on the nose. “Don’t you even think about saying that in front of her.” He shot a look to Jonathan who was still being unusually good on the bed. “You either… hey what have you got there?” He thought the middle was being just a little too quiet as they had been seated like three little ducklings and he reached behind his son frowning as he saw the melted M&Ms all over his hands. “Aww man are you kidding me?” And a closer look revealed a few lingering traces of chocolate and he hoped the Jonathan didn’t eat too many ‘cause those damn things were expensive. A chocolate burp in the face made him realize if he looked under the bed where he’d hidden them they were probably all gone.
   Okay so much for his private stash of goodies. Note to self; need a new hiding spot. Well there wasn’t a whole lot of time to worry about that now because it was almost nine and he knew that Toris was gonna be there any minute. And he was seriously debating telling Johnny that if he was gonna pig out on candy then he very well didn’t need any pizza but he didn’t need a tantrum tonight of all nights so he just let it slide.
“Alright, final check.” And he took a moment to look them all over and figured hey they weren’t perfect but they looked good enough and matched so he shifted Jacob to the other side up not trusting him not to fall ass over head down the painted wooden staircase and with one last look he led Selene and Jonathan out of the room and down the steps just as the doorbell rang.
   “I got it!” he yelled knowing full well that no one else was actually racing to get the door but hey tearing down the stairs like a nut was the fun part. He jumped the last four steps before rounding the single step landing forgetting momentarily about his two oldest as he blew past the tree, Jacob above his head with a whoop of “B-52 incoming!” and leapt over the coffee table as Jacob squealed excited.

”Incoming!” He heard from behind him and whirled just in time to scream, “Jesus Christ don’t jump, walk!” before Jonathan copied him and dove down the last 4 steps two. Holy crap, thank god kids are bouncy, he thought half panicked as his son landed on all fours and just barely moved when Selene yelled after him and secured runs two and three in her tights. Well crap. “Hey! Both of you are-” He shook a finger as just as the doorbell rang again and cursed under his breath.
   Alright forget it, one day of running wild wasn’t gonna kill anyone so Alfred just opened the door ready to greet Toris and Feliks and just kinda blinked stupidly when he saw his friend with some chick instead.
“Whoa. I think your hair must be longer than Mattie’s by now,” he said brilliantly as the other teen just smiled.
“Yeah. I thought I’d grow it out.” He fished around in his pocket for a small box wrapped in Mickey Mouse paper and handed it to Jacob. “I hope you don’t mind I got everyone some candy. That place at the mall that sells all the bulk stuff was having a sale so-“
“Uncle Toris!” Alfred was almost bowled over as Jonathan having recovered rather impressively had picked himself up and practically dove through the doorway grabbing the other teen around the waist with a big grin. “Pwesent?”
   “Hey midget I know you can say it right,” Alfred chastised him with a sigh, Jacob already tearing into the wrapped up hershey kiss filled box.
“Aw but like it’s so cute!” Toris’ girlfriend exclaimed and Alfred took a second look because she really looked a lot like Feliks come to think of it. Did he have a sister? It was hard to tell with the dim porch light in the dark.
“Aw c’mon Toris, make him at least say it right,” Alfred protested as his friend- big sucker for kids that he was- just handed over the wrapped bag of sour blue raspberry gummy coke bottles. “Man you’re such a pushover,” he grumbled under his breath stepping aside as Selene looked up with a small smile for the “uncle” she hadn’t seen since August.
“They’re good kids, Mr America,” Toris teased as he handed her a wrapped bag of sour cherry gummies and Alfred grimaced.
“Ugh, how many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me that?” He looked over at the girl again as she knelt down and fawned over Jonathan who was all too eager to play up the baby talk.
   But hey he couldn’t blame his son because Toris’ girlfriend was blonde, gorgeous and had legs a mile long. She was wearing a red skirt like Santa’s helper and oh man those were thigh highs, weren’t they? Cause he could see just a little bit of skin and he couldn’t really see her chest through the heavy coat but god if it was anything like the rest of her-
“Hey Al. You like… gonna stop staring any time soon?” And Alfred blinked and when he looked again a lot more closely at her face it finally seemed to click and his eyes were like dinner plates as he looked back and forth between the two of them almost dropping his son.
“Holy crap, dude what happened to you?!” Feliks just rolled his eyes and pushed past and Alfred was definitely wondering a lot more about the skirt and what was underneath it or oh god was wasn’t underneath it and as Feliks looked around and Toris corralled the kids back inside Alfred sidled over to him and whispered kinda wigged out, “Dude, tell me you didn’t cut it off.”
   "I didn't cut off my dick, retard, I just like thought I'd look cute." Feliks turned around letting the skirt billow out and really Alfred had to admit that he looked pretty damn good like that.
“Yeah well… so are you guys…” he made a vague gesture ‘cause he really didn’t need to be going into all that birds and bees and bees and bees stuff just yet.
“Well duh. ‘Course that asshole sperm donor-“ Feliks ignored Alfred’s shushing as he made a half hearted attempt to cover Jacob’s ears- “threw him out when he caught us making out on the couch but like we don’t need all that crap and mom was like pretty excited about having “a real son”,” here Feliks rolled his eyes, “So yeah we’re good. We needed the extra help around the store anyway.” He popped his gum and Alfred shot a sidelong glance to Jonathan to make sure this wasn’t gonna touch off another wave of profane parroting but his son was way too busy showing Toris all the crap under the tree that Santa had brought for him.
   “So you guys still go to school right?” So far him and all his friends were like 0 and 3 on the dropout thing and it’d be nice if at least one of them finished high school good and honest. Feliks was busy looking at the ornaments on the tree, some homemade, some donated and a few even store bought. Alfred had taken all three to the mall hoping to start a tradition of ornament buying. She had trashed all the ones that’d actually meant something the year before she died when she was high on whatever another time that Mattie was off with professor pedo- he’d stopped keeping track of what she even did when he stopped hanging around the house so much- and he thought it’d be nice to rebuild some of those memories.
“School?” Feliks was looking at an ancient handblown glass santa clause that Dorota had given him, running a painted thumb over the face looking thoughtful. “With all those homophobes? Yeah I don’t think so. S’not that hard getting a GED... isn’t that what your brother’s doing?”
   “You’ve been talking to Mattie?!” Toris looked up from where he’d been seated on the floor excitedly examining the Hess truck that Jonathan had gotten for Christmas.
“We haven’t heard from him since before you guys left, Al. But he was telling us even before your mom died that he and Arthur were-” And Toris trailed off as Feliks made a pretty lame attempt to keep him quiet, drawing a finger across his throat and Alfred just looked between the two of them suspiciously.
“Okay... So I don’t know why my best friends seem to know something like that about Mattie that I don’t. Or more importantly why I’m only just finding out now... but y’know what it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m gonna start the year off forgiving and being all mature so if there’s anything else you guys know about him and that dirty pedo that you haven’t told me or... or anything else you better tell me.” He shot them both a glare and didn’t miss the look between them that really made him curious and suspicious before Toris stood up with a sigh.
   “Al, you know we’re your friends but...” Toris trailed off and Alfred really wasn’t liking where this was gong when Feliks looked at him dead serious and said, “Okay so like does it really even matter if it’s all over with, Al? I mean shit happened and you’re here and he’s there and maybe you don’t deserve to know what a dick you were.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?! You know what a shit Mattie was and whatever the hell you think you know if I need to put the kids int he bedroom so you can be like a can of beans and spill-“
“Al,” Toris sighed. “Just... just forget about it. We know how you feel. We know what you went through and it’s just dredging it up and-” And so of course right then the stupid door was practically kicked in followed by Natalya swearing in Russian or whatever the hell language that was because apparently they were late and didn’t stupid wussy Toris just smile and nod and trail after her so dumbly that even Feliks rolled his eyes and Alfred found himself wondering just how much Mattie might have been hiding from him after all.
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Smells Like After School Special