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Dark Seed	By : EvilFuzzy Category: +G to L > Gintama Views: 3872 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: The author makes no claim to ownership of the Gintama franchise, and furthermore makes no money from writing or publishing this piece. This is a non-profit fan work.

Chapter List
- 1-Dark Seed
- 2-Gin-chan's Complaints
- 1
- 2
Dark Seed

A Gintama pachipornpalooza

By

EvilFuzzy9

WARNING: This fanfic depicts activities of an adult nature between characters who would be minors in the real world. The author of this fic does not endorse such things being done by minors in real life, and in fact strongly discourages minors from reading this, and also from participating in any and all such activities until they are at the age of majority/consent as defined in the laws or customs of their state or principality.
(no smut shown in this chapter, but plenty of crack humor XD)

"Maaaan, I can't friggin' believe it..." muttered a straight-haired samurai with eyes like a dead fish. "I can't believe Patsuan's spunk can do that sort of thing..."
"Do what sort of thing, Gintoki-sama?" queried a green-haired robo-maid.
Gin, his hair strangely black and straight, looked up from his sake to give Tama a weak grin. He was sitting at booth in the corner of Snack House Otose, out of the way of the other customers.
"Ah, you heard that...?" he said sheepishly. "Forget I said anything, okay? The old hag would kill me if I told you about those sorts of things. You may be a robot, but you have your own kind of innocence..."
Tama stared at Gin blankly.
"By his spunk you mean ejaculate, correct? His semen," she stated. "What can Shinpachi-sama's semen do that is so out of the ordinary?" she queried again. "My databases indicate that the only practical use for male sperm is the fertilization of female ovum."
Gintoki's eye twitched.
"Oyyy," he muttered. "You aren't really innocent at all, are you? If you can talk about that kind of thing with a straight face. But this is still something way too inappropriate for you. Otose-san would kill me. She would seriously kill me if I got you involved in that kind of thing..."
Tama was silent for a moment. Her eyes glowed briefly.
"My optical scanners indicate a substance of unknown origin in your hair, Gintoki-sama. A very filthy substance," stated the verdette gynoid. "Allow me to clean it out for you."
Gin blinked.
A beat.
Tama raised her hand, the tips of one of her fingers flipping up to reveal a digital nozzle.
"Eh?" said Gin. His eyes widened, and his voice turned shrill. He raised up his own hands in an attempt to cover himself. "Wait! No, don't—!" he started to shout, but he was cut off.
A jet of water as powerful as a fire hose blasted into Gin-san's head, slamming it into the wall. The water sprayed violently through his hair, forcefully rinsing it. His face disappeared completely for a few seconds, his voice lost to panicked gurgling. His arms flailed wildly, legs kicking in the blind, instinctive terror of a man drowning.
A moment passed as Tama blasted Gintoki Sakata with a comically immense quantity of water, far more than she could have possibly been storing inside her body.
Then the water pressure cut off, and the mighty spray quickly diminished to a trickle, before finally cutting off completely. A line of water followed the falling arc of the weakened trajectory.
Gin's eyes were wide as dinner plates, foam coming from his mouth. His face was bright red, scrubbed raw under the intense water pressure. His hair, silver and wavy once more, hung down soaking and matted against his scalp. The man gave off the impressing of a drowned cat.
"Ara? Gintoki-sama?" queried Tama. "Are you conscious?" She grabbed her ever-present broom, poking Gin in the side of the head with the handle. "Did you drown to death in the water? Did it melt away all the sugar in your brain? Gintoki-sama?"
One of Gin's fingers twitched.
"Hey, oy..." he said slowly, a little weakly. Raising a shaking arm, the ronin wiped the foam from his lips. "What do you think you're doing, Tama-chan, saying nasty things like that in such a cute voice...?"
Wincing, the man straightened up in his seat. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling the inherent waviness in the individual tresses.
He sighed.
"Jeez, now look what you did, eh? You washed away my nice, straight hair..."
Tama cocked her head cutely to one side, looking like a perplexed poodle.
"That does not compute, Gintoki-sama. I did not wash away your hair," she stated, "rather, I washed away the contaminants therein."
Gin's eye twitched.
"Hey!" he snapped. "Have some sympathy for Patsuan! For all men!" shouted he determinedly, clenching his hands into fists. He pointed accusingly at Tama. "No man wants to hear the fruits of his pride and joy called a contaminant! Read the atmosphere, goddammit! Maybe it's gross and unnatural, but thanks to Shinpachi's spunk Gin-chan was able to go out with his head held high!"
He then let out a sigh, groaning.
Tama glanced quizzically at the black, faintly writhing stain on the wall behind Gin-san, where the dark matter had been processed out of his hair. According to her scanners, it was an unidentified and potentially mutagenic substance.
"I do not understand," she stated finally, after several seconds of pensive silents. "Shinpachi-sama's semen? My scanners do not recognize that substance as anything that could have been produced within a human body." She pointed at the smear on the wall.
Gintoki groaned.
"I'm telling you!" he said. "Patsuan's got some kind of freaky dark matter stewing in his family jewels! Yeah? In his jewels! You know, those!"
Tama stared blankly at Gin.
"I do not believe you," she stated, gazing upon the man with a distinctly condescending expression.
Gin snapped.
"Heeeeey!" he shouted. "Who do you think you are, looking down on a human, you damn puppet?! You stinkin' oily pile of nuts and bolts! Don't think that just because you look like you have tits you can act like you're a real woman, eh! Gin-san will only permit a woman with real tits to look down on him like that! Big, bouncy, all natural bazongas! You know?!"
A cutely feminine and enthusiastic voice interjected.
"I know, aru!" cheered Kagura, appearing right on time for the punch line. "Like these, right?" She pointed down at the front of her qipao, which bulged immensely and gratuitously under the strain of her disproportionate bust.
Tama stared at Kagura.
She stared at the Yato girl's breasts.
A beat.
Somewhere in Tama's head, a circuit shorted. Smoke billowed from her ears. The gynoid's eyes dimmed, and she swooned in a faint. With a tremendous clatter, she collapsed to the floor.
"OYYYYYY!" shouted Gin, pointing at Tama's fallen body. "What is this?! Did Tama faint? Why did she faint!? Eh? Ehhhh?!"
He spun around, turning on Kagura. Rudely he jabbed a finger into the girl's bosom, causing it to jiggle like jello beneath her blouse.
"Dammit, you rotten brat!" he snapped at the girl. "Look at you did with those damn melons of yours! You killed Tama! Eh!?" He paused, suddenly paling and starting to sweat bullets. "...Eh?" he repeated, voice now squeaky. "Did you really kill her? Is Tama-san actually dead?"
Kagura shrugged.
Gin gulped.
"Oh, jeez," he muttered, hands trembling nervously. "We better get out of here before that old hag finds out..."
"Eh?" came a cutely feminine voice. "Who are you calling an old hag, you worthless freeloader?!"
Gintoki blinked.
"Eh? Huh? Eh?" he said, turning his head. His jaw dropped.
He saw a beautiful pair of young women standing before him, dressed in frighteningly familiar clothes. One was a cute, lovely human woman with fair skin and brown hair. The other appeared to be a cat-eared Amanto, oddly reminiscent of that Eromes, except she had dark hair and a scowling expression.
"Ah?" he said blankly, weakly. "I'm sorry. Do I know you?" he inquired, his voice tremulous and high pitched. Sweat poured down his neck, slicking it messily.
The eye of the human lass twitched, and that was when Gin noticed a cigarette poised between her fingers, if unlit.
Gintoki Sakata's skin became as white as his hair. Behind the pair of beautiful, young women lay a gaunt, traumatized Shinpachi Shimura. Gin-san could practically see the boy's soul attempting to escape from his mouth, unwilling to remain in that broken and soiled vessel.
Gin blinked.
"WHA-WHA-WHAT THE FUCKING HEEELLLLLL?!" he howled to the moon in the sky.

Shinpachi lay on a futon in Gin's apartment, a heated towel draped over his forehead. He was pale and practically comatose, his eyes sunken into his face and his looking cheeks narrow and skeletal. The boy seemed virtually comatose, a look of atavistic horror frozen onto his face.
Gintoki stared down at the poor lad, silently clasping his hands and muttering a prayer for the poor bastard's soul.
Kagura sat on a chair nearby, swinging her legs and tilting her torso side to side while sucking on a piece of pickled seaweed. She watched boredly as her boobs swung like newton balls with the movement, even under her shirt. Next to the girl were seated Otose and Cather—
No, Gin-san shook his head.
"What a pain," he said. "No matter how you describe the character's changed appearances, it's simply too big a gap, isn't it? If we use those names to refer to them, it'll just make people think of how they look in the series." He shuddered. "And nobody wants that, right?"
Otose threw an empty ashtray into the back of Gin's head, a temple throbbing in her forehead.
Catherine pouted, her cat ears twitching.
"Mou," she whined, wiggling her hips a little. "I don't care what you call us, as long as I get plenty of milk from Shin-tama, nyaa❤" she purred, sucking seductively on the tip of one of her shapely, slender fingers.
Gin's left eye twitched, he rubbing the back of his head. Then he spun around and snapped at the catwoman.
"HEY!," he shouted. "Aren't you a completely different character, now?! Why are you acting like that dammit?! No matter how young and voluptuous your bodies may look, you're still the same old sea hags at heart!"
Otose scoffed quietly.
"Don't be stupid, Gin-san," she said, a faintly pinkish blush dusting those smooth, fair cheeks. She wasn't meeting his eyes. "A young woman is a young woman, right? No matter how old she is..."
Shyly, she appeared to cast a look of longing at Shinpachi, who was naked and covered only by a thin summer blanket. Even in his ghastly, drained state, one could see the unmistakable bulge of his groin.
"She's right," said Kagura dismissively. "The mind is a plaything of the body, aru."
"Who do you think you are quoting Nietzsche, you damn brat?!" snapped Gin at the redheaded Yato. "You're just an idiot! Don't go trying to sound smart by quoting other people! If you're really smart, then speak with your own words, dammit!"
Kagura gave Gin a half-lidded, disinterested glance.
"You're argument is flawed, aru," she drawled, sukonbu still snugly clamped between her teeth. "There's nothing new under the sun, after all."
Gin glared at Kagura darkly, grabbing her by the head.
"Oyyy," he muttered. "You really are an obnoxious little snot, aren't you? But no matter how you put it, I still refuse to accept that those two hags can suddenly be looking and acting so cute, goddammit!"
Otose pouted.
"Hmph, if it's that hard on you, then just think of me as Ayano Terada."
Gin shot a sidelong glare at the woman. A vein throbbed in his forehead.
"That's just your maiden name, isn't it?!" he snapped. "It's still the same thing!"
Ayano huffed, looking away from Gintoki.
"Fine, if that's how you want to play it..." she said petulantly, crossing her arms over her modest bust. "Gin-chan can just serve himself his own sake, from now on!"
Her cheeks were pink as she spoke, gazing out through a window.
Gin snapped. "Hey! Hey, hey, hey! The hell kind of character is that supposed to be?! What? Are tsundere now?! Is that it? You're a tsundere!? Don't think that's enough to raise your appeal! No matter how young you look, you're still a black-hearted old witch!"
Ayano was quiet for a moment.
She sniffled, softly and almost inaudibly. But they could hear it all the same.
"Ohhh, Gin-chan made Aya-chan cry, aru," said Kagura. "How mean, Gin-chan."
"Poor Ayano-tan, nya," said Catherine, pouting and bending forward a little. She squeezed her arms together in front of her, bringing out her ample bosom. "Gin-tan's such a meanie, nyaaa."
Gintoki twitched.
"Do you wanna die?" he asked, glaring at the catgirl Amanto who was acting nothing like Catherine.
"What a brute," said Ayano softly. Her face was downcast, bangs falling in front of her eyes. A rosy flush was visible in her cheeks. "And yet, I... I... I still..." she murmured.
Gin roared in frustration.
"What the hell is this skit?!" snapped he, eyes white with rage. "Is this supposed to be some kind of love confession? Are you supposed to be in some kind of abusive relationship with a man you love even though you know he'll only ever hurt you? Ehhhhh? What the fuuuuuuck!?"
He threw his hands up into the air, exasperated and weary.
"Goddammit!" he whined. "Patsuan! This is all your friggin' sperm's fault, isn't it?! They did this and that with you and now they're all young and stupid? Dammit, you bastard! I don't care if you're shell shocked! I don't care if you have PTSD! You friggin' worthless four-eyes! This is all your fault, so you better wake up!"
He grabbed the insensate, half-dead Shinpachi by his shoulders and began to shake.
"Wake up right the hell now, or sleep for friggin' ever! Six feet under, you know! I'll kill ya! That's what I'm saying! I'll kill you if you don't wake up right fucking now! Goddammit!"
He moaned miserably.
"My throat hurts!" Gin continued. "My ears are ringing from my own voice and I'm going hoarse! Jesus Christ, Shinpachi! How can you tsukkomi like this? Are you a god? Are you a god of tsukkomi? Dammit, Tsukkomipachi-sami! Just wake up already! I can't stand this anymore! I'm gonna die from giving so many punch lines, goddammit!"
He whined, tears streaming down his face.
"Why isn't our series more popular?" he demanded to know. "I'm cool, right? Right!? I know I might be kind of a good-for-nothing neet, but I have my cool moments! What's the point of my stealing the spotlight from you and Kagura if I can't even keep our anime going! Eh?! Do we need a younger protagonist? Should I brood on my tragic past more? Should we start including a bunch of gratuitous fanservice? Should the Shinsengumi join the Yorozuya? Should the Yorozuya join the Shinsengumi? Should we make this into a serious action manga?! Dammit, Tsukkomipachi-sama! I don't know what to dooooooo!"
Kagura was unexpressive, sucking on sukonbu and swinging her boobs back and forth.
"Gin-chan's just bitching, now, isn't he?" she mused. "He started out with a big tsukkomi, but now he's just whining, aru. I think that might be why he isn't more popular."
Ayano and Catherine—"Call me Cathy, nyaaa❤"—er, Cathy, simply nodded in agreement.
Gin-san continued to violently shake Shinpachi by the shoulders, complaining endlessly.

A/N: Well, the first chapter of this got a review on AFF, and a single follower on FFN. Thank you, PendulumDeath and Mr-Zax! :D
I suppose that's enough to justify a second chapter. Sure, why the fuck not. XP
Updated: 2-22-14
TTFN and R&R!
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Dark Seed