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When darkness speaks	By : Triyune Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > Yaoi - Male/Male > Sanzo/Gojiyo Views: 927 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura and I don't make money out of it.

Chapter List
- 1
- 2
- 3
Series: Saiyuki Reload

Title: When darkness speaks louder than words

Author: triyune

Pairing: Ukoku/Genjyo Sanzo

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: same as part 1; angst, violence, drugs, dub-con, rimming

As always, excuse any typos.

When darkness speaks

Part 2

_________

A week had passed since we had left the temple.

I closed my eyes at feeling those memories still shaking my self-confidence to the very foundations, every time anew. My body had recovered from it, but my mind had not. The fact that the other three were avoiding any contact with me didn’t help either. On the one hand I was glad they did not approach me on that matter and left me alone, on the other hand I had to admit that some interhuman comfort at least in the form of mutual smoking would have helped in one way or another.

They didn’t know how to handle that situation. I knew from one of them having been raped in his childhood too, and the marks on his soul were still evident, though also he evaded me.

We had left the stone desert landscape by now and arrived at some sort of puszta, sparsely greened, with field horsetail and all sorts of lonely plants. From time to time we crossed salt flats, the crust cracking under the wheels giving a constant sound, almost lulling you to sleep after a while.

We drove past three trees during those days, seeing nothing but brown and yellow sand, alternating with spots of green life.

In the evening we had reached a small lake and we decided to settle there for the night. There even was a pine grove close to the lake where we chose to get our camp ready. This time, we’d find enough firewood for a decent fire, and dinner was going to be exquisite too. Hakkai had grimaced at the sight of that, but we were going to have that shot jackal for dinner together with a fine pine needle tea.

While Hakkai, not without letting us know how much he hated that, was preparing the jackal for the barbecue I stole myself away from the group, heading for the lake in the last daylight. It was going to be dark soon, the sun disappearing quickly around there.

I felt drawn to that lake, the entire landscape radiating deep peace, the lake even more so.

Leaning against another pine I lit a cigarette and watched the gentle waves rippling towards eternity. I bent down to get rid of my sandals and socks to feel the warm sand under my feet. It gave me a soothing feeling, somehow.

Watching the strange circles on the waves caused by the reflections of the sky in the water I eventually arrived at recalling the past again. As silent and peaceful the atmosphere of the lake was, it left me with nothing but my past. No distraction, no trouble, nothing to be taken care of right now but leaving me to total free association, which inevitably resulted in the images of the past two weeks.

I could even remember the taste in my mouth after he was gone. The entire night it had clung to my mouth; bitter, strange, and salty.

It wasn’t like he was a total prick. He was handsome after all. The only way of having these thoughts was in front of that lake in the heart of complete solitude, watching the darkness rising. Not as slender as me, which hardly was possible at all, so I thought, but the gods had given him a nice one too. And his hair was fine, almost feathery. I had often felt it on my skin during those days when he visited me.

Those thoughts were grossing me out. Yet I could not keep myself from those mental remarks. Maybe it would have hurt even more if some ugly, stinking bastard had raped me. That way, it was just a bastard, smelling of patchouli.

I threw my head back, that way also getting rid of the wet strands of hair sticking to my face, to look at the sky.

It was empty. Only the moon faintly gleaming in the right corner of it already.

So vast, and empty. It only served to intensify the feeling of loneliness right now.

And the things he knew about Komyou. It was like I was meeting part of Komyou in him when he was around. If he just hadn’t been that mischievous…or malignant rather hit the nail on the head.

I longed for someone by my side. The incident had left me raw and longing; vulnerable, actually. And for the second time in my life I felt like not being able to manage on my own. Longing for someone to take over responsibility and give me a break. I wasn’t someone who needed to talk about things to digest them; I had learned to fight my own battles, also if it was pushing me over the edge. Some cut on my arm, some cigarette mark on wherever, the small sacrifices my lonely battles demanded were not worth mentioning. That would heal.

Yet again, I was entering a well known limbo. My hunger was gone.

“Gojyo!” I heard Hakkai calling out.

I didn’t turn around, pretending I hadn’t heard that.

“Don’t. He wants to be alone.”

I took a drag from my cigarette and turned around to tell them that I so desperately needed some company. In my mind, of course. In reality, I kept standing there, turning my back on them and suffering in silence.

“He’s been doing that for a fucking week now!” I heard him complaining in the distance, “I’ll just ask if he wants some tea.”

They would have known how to deal with that situation if they just had listened to their hearts. But I wasn’t the one to teach them or claim unlimited wisdom as for human interaction. In fact, I sucked at it. But I needed human contact, not too much, just some presence around me. A silent mutual smoke. So I cursed my principles and turned around, looking for Gojyo in that muddle of moving bodies in the dusky light. His red hair was shimmering in the light of the campfire. He was helping Hakkai with the jackal, now piling up the guts of the animal on a grid he had made of wood before.

He got up, took the twigs with the intestines and went into my direction, yet making sure to keep a respectful distance to me. After dumping the waste at the lake he turned around with what seemed fear and self-consciousness, looking for me. When he realized that I had been watching him and still was staring at him he froze on the spot. Despite the raging fear and shame I was experiencing myself I tried to take a drag from my cigarette as casually as possible. And he got the message and came over, taking out a cigarette on the way as well.

He stopped by my side and turned to face the lake too. The breeze now carried his smoke towards me and the familiar scent comforted me. He didn’t need to talk and he didn’t need to do anything else than smoke next to me. Everything else would have upset me too much and sent me right back into deepest self-doubts.

At this time, I’d have accepted Hakkai joining me too, but I knew he was not the kind of man to stare at some lake in silence next to me when so many questions were still unanswered. Hakkai could keep silence, but he wouldn’t understand. Whereas Gojyo knew that his current duty was to stand there, shut up and just smoke.

I let myself get carried away by the waves again, which barely were visible in the faint light anymore. The other shore had disappeared in the darkness again and it was becoming more and more a black blot in an even landscape, only some trees standing out against the horizon in front of me on the other side.

I smelt his smoke again and a sudden pang of despair claimed my mind. That all, the journey…day in, day out; my order, the people around me…it seemed to vanish in nothingness, in mere meaninglessness. The lake in front of me dissolved and blended in with the sky, becoming a dark universe, threatening to suck me in.

The futility of it all made me clench my teeth and breathe hard through my nose; the cigarette burnt down to the filter in my right hand without another drag. My life…nothing but an order from the gods, a Sisyphean task, and it seemed like they had done it on purpose. We could have been there already, retrieving the scripture and be back again.

And…then?

What then?

Sit behind the desk of Kinzan and fill out forms and lead the morning meditation?

I buried my toes in the sand and clutched at the tree to keep myself up on my legs; the sudden insight making me weak in the knees and leaving my mind boiling in agony.

Gojyo turned to look at me but when I didn’t react to his move, stubbornly gazing at the darkness in front of me, he faced it again as well.

How could they manage so well without getting desperate at that all. Their lives were as pointless as mine, I could not understand what kept them going. All of them with shattered pasts, but they walked on, and on, and on.

As the darkness was becoming too menacing I sat down on the sand, cleaned my feet from it and put on the socks and sandals again. I left first, with Gojyo following me on my heels.

Back at the campfire I switched to my usual façade again and asked for the leg of the jackal to have a bite. It wasn’t much, but enough.

The night and the following days passed without any noteworthy events.

Yet, day by day I was feeling worse and worse. Although we were crammed in that jeep the level of loneliness rose to a traumatizing extent. I felt so very cut off from them that I even started looking in the rear-view mirror from time to time to get a glimpse of them.

When Hakkai finally announced that we would arrive at some town today my eyes lighted up. It was the first time I would deliberately demand a four-bed room.

And to my greatest misery, they didn’t offer that. It was a small town in the middle of that fucking veld with just one inn and we had no choice.

“Double rooms?” Gojyo asked.

“Just one, and two single rooms,” the innkeeper smiled ashamedly.

“Alright, Goku and I will take it, right?” Hakkai said, believing he was doing me a favour with his obligingness, yet it was the wrong time for that.

“I’ll take it,” I mumbled, eyes cast down, snatching the key and heading for the stairs.

I could feel them staring after me.

After ten more minutes Gojyo entered the room with two coffees on a tray. I averted my eyes from the window and turned around, the sight of the steaming hot beverage waking familiar feelings again.

I got rid of my robes, sat down and lit a cigarette, feeling some of that tension from the previous days fading. Gojyo sat down next to me, his hair braided, something I observed for the first time during our entire journey. Probably, it was because of the heat. He had got rid of his top and shoes and was sitting there wearing nothing more but his pants. Understandably.

I would have done the same, had I felt more self-confident.

He was sipping his coffee and staring out of the window. Suddenly, I realized that his bare chest was an unsettling sight. His complexion was darker than mine…my gaze slid down, then got stuck at his nipples.

Coughing fitfully, I put down the cup and turned away, falling the victim to some paraesthesia of the worst kind…my mouth full of salty semen again…

I got up from the table, nervously looking around, finally deciding to escape into the bathroom to get some cold water on my face.

When I got back Gojyo was standing by the table, anxiously looking at me; his cigarette stubbed out.

“Are you alright?”

“I need a single room,” I whispered, ashamed of that uncontrollable panic rising at the sight of naked skin.

“I’ll lie down and try to sleep, if that helps you,” Gojyo suggested, everything hinting at him clearly not wishing me to have a single room this night.

I looked at him, lost. There was nothing left for me to cling to, just the clothes on my body, but nothing else. No pride, no dignity, no meaning, no self. It had all been taken from me. The humiliating look in Gojyo’s eyes which wasn’t meant as such at all was pulling on my mind.

And worst of all I could feel my dick benignly swelling now.

I couldn’t believe it. In any other situation I would have understood it rising, but not now. Completely overwhelmed by the most disturbing feelings ever I turned around and ran out of the room, looking for a dark corner to hide in.

I ended up in a single room, sitting on the floor under the window, some lonely tears streaming down my face in despair. If I had thought that it could not have got any worse regarding this humbling situation it had hit the bull’s eye. Nothing could have unsettled me more than my twisted sexuality rising in this fucking deadlock. Or it was just rising because of that.

In the course of the last two weeks I had become so estranged from myself that I couldn’t understand the processes in my mind nor those bodily motions anymore.

I longed for that bastard to visit me and tear off my clothes to shove his dick up my ass and silence all those painful thoughts. To screw me senseless, my body aching and my mind put to rest in the velvety darkness of his arms.

There was no escape. There might have been an escape from Gojyo who was still knocking on my door like mad, but there wasn’t any escape from these thoughts. They were immanent and they went wherever I went.

A caw made me jerk.

My mind burst into pieces in a second. It had come from the corner on the other side of the room. I was frozen with shock.

As I managed to look up after a minute of pulling myself together I only stared into vacant darkness. Nothingness. My heart was racing and my head aching, leaving me no choice but to spend another minute on the floor, recovering from that shock. I got up then and switched on the lamp on the bedside table only to realize that I was alone.

Completely alone.

_____________

The next day I was eager to finish breakfast soon and get back to the veld. At least I could overview the entire scene there and we would not have to deal with any surprises.

And the day passed without any of those.

The next day, and the following day too, until we finally reached another town.

And I wasn’t fool enough to demand a double room again. Tersely, I asked for four rooms, took the key and gave them no chance to object to it at all.

Five minutes later I was sitting at the table in the fading light of another hot day, a cigarette in my right hand, of which I could move my fingers by now at least, nervously playing with the lighter in my left. It didn’t suit me at all, but I needed some distraction.

Lately, things were always leading down to the same thing.

I tossed the lighter aside and buried my head in my hand, frantically trying to make my thoughts travel a different way than this one. As much as it was driving me crazy, I needed to know where that was coming from, and currently, I was stuck with my observations.

At one point, I was blaming that sudden awakening on having stopped taking the medicinal herbs. I had been taking them for years, once prescribed by a traditional healer at the Kinzan temple I had unreflectingly been taking them ever since. It mainly was Tipton’s weed, about the rest I wasn’t sure anymore.

After the incident that night I had stopped taking it, throwing it all away in a fit of utter despair and self-destruction. I still had the prescription but I hadn’t been in the mood for some mood elevator anymore.

Sighing, I shifted on the chair, lighting another cigarette. Anyway, wherever it was coming from, I was not familiar with anything of what was happening to me. Not when it came to that.

My mind rebelled against those thoughts and I felt sick the moment I just rudimentarily let images of that pass in front of my inner eye, yet I was forced to do so by something I could not name nor get a grip on.

Not even during so-called puberty I had experienced such strong urges. If I had gone through anything of the like at all. Sometimes I doubted that, since my mind had gradually changed and not really all of a sudden. And my dick had always been there.

I was breathing hard in need and shame at the same time, going through another fit of sexual craving.

When I became aware of tenderly wrapping my lips round the filter tip of my cigarette I rubbed my eyes and stubbed it out.

That bastard had left me begging and bleeding.

I stared out of the window until I heard some knocking on the door and turned around, answering with a “Yeah”.

When I watched Gojyo entering with a dark look on his face I exhaled sharply, feeling a pleasurable turmoil in my guts. He came at an inconvenient time.

Gojyo sat down next to me, looking at me firmly.

“You’ve been so silent the last few days,” he said in a low, serious voice which was causing pains in my groin.

We had not talked about what had happened at the temple. Eventually, at some point, I had managed to establish my usual façade again, and they had accepted that. Granting me some peaceful silent moments away from them didn’t hurt anyone. As long as I was getting up in the morning, throwing in my usual pissed comments and yielding the gun with the left hand they thought they didn’t need to worry about anything. What a strong-minded personality I had become, right? They were so wrong.

But he was right. The last few days I had chosen to keep out of things.

“You want to talk about it?” he said right out, making me look at him in astonishment. I had expected some more beating about the bush when it came to offering his help.

“No,” I said coarsely, cleaning my throat after that.

I lit another cigarette and leaned back. Thank the gods I was still wearing the robes half down my legs, covering those nasty parts. I would have felt a little safer with my pants still on, but I had gotten rid of them before, only wearing the robes in that heat to have something lighter covering my body.

He folded his hands and stared at the table. Our conversation had come to a deadlock, barely started, but progressed so typically.

“Sanzo…” he started timidly and I knew that I was not and never going to want to hear any of the shit which was coming after that strained beginning of his sentence. I clenched my teeth and looked up though, expecting the worst. He was obviously struggling for words.

“Leave me alone,” I said sternly, giving in to my current aversion for him and preventing myself from jumping at him in incontrollable, pathetic…I could not even pronounce that word in my head.

Disenchanted, he looked at me. I knew that there was something coming down that way I could not handle. Impatiently, I waited for him to get up and leave me, but he didn’t, still looking at me, contemplating.

“I said leave me alone!” I snapped at him, breaking my cigarette in two halves between my fore and middle finger, making the gleaming ash fall in my lap. Which I did not notice, being too busy making Gojyo leave for god’s sake with my own gleaming eyes.

It burnt a hole in my robes.

“I’d like to talk to you about something,” he started again, now distinctly more tentatively than before.

I slammed my fist on the table and got up, gripped his collar and pulled him close to speak against his nose. For that moment, I didn’t realize that it was too close.

“When I say, leave me alone, I mean leave me alone, alright?!” I fired into his face, rage spilling from my eyes at that disobedient behaviour, leaving him aghast.

For a second, for an awfully long second, I gazed into his eyes, waiting for him to reply something as he should have done.

But he didn’t. He was looking at me, almost absent-mindedly, like there were too many things for a brain too small to be processed at the same time. Only when he moved slightly I realized why there wasn’t coming any answer.

My dick was demandingly pressing against his groin, right between his legs, since we were about the same size.

I reflexively loosened my grip on his top, taking a step back to get some space between me and his body, yet, not letting go of him. Feeling the heat spreading on my cheeks I stared at him wordlessly, unable to keep that ashamed and shocked look from showing in my face. There was a kind of tension building up between us which made me feel uneasy; even more so since I could not predict his next action at all.

He looked like he had troubles deciding what to do or say now, although I could not claim to know what to do right now either.

I froze when he took a peek at my erection, his eyes quickly shooting down and up again. What was even more disturbing was not the fact that he was fully aware of me being in need now but rather the electrifying feeling that quick glance caused in my guts. My eyes fluttered and I let go of him finally to get away from him as far as needed. To be caught like that, hard with sexual craving, exposed so straightforwardly…he seemed to be revealing or even waking exhibitionistic tendencies I was not very pleased with.

I was a bit late for becoming aware of the possibility that he even could have got a glimpse of my naked dick saucily peeking through my robes. Gulping down air I took another step back, trying to reanimate my speech centre again; managing, finally.

“Get the fuck out of here!!!”

I did not like the look he was giving me, failing to name the emotion in his eyes. Yet, he cast his eyes down and moved, silently walking past me, quietly closing the door behind him and leaving me alone.

Those few moments had strained me to an extent which made me seek support. I fell down on the chair by the table again and lit another cigarette, just now noticing the hole in my holy robes. Why did he have to visit me just now. Just this fucking evening. It felt like the gods were playing some twisted, sick game with me, probably calling it something like “See how far we can push Genjyo Sanzo”.

I cursed my feelings relating to that situation two weeks ago. It had turned my hard-earned self-confidence and stable mind into a bleeding mess, waking feelings and needs I had been so glad to not be forced to live through at all. Just until now.

Biting down on my lip I pushed the robe aside and tightly gripped my dick, throwing my head back in fulfillment. This evening, I did not have the nerve to suppress it any longer.

I spread my legs and slid down a bit on the chair to sit comfortably, taking a drag from my cigarette, then blowing the smoke against my erection. I was playing mind games. My dick twitched at the perception of that strange image in front of me and I let my thumb rub the tip of it, inhaling smoke to dip my dick in grey air again.

Trying to ban all images of other male genitals from my mind I rubbed hard, voluntarily teasing myself, until my dick was double the size of its limp counterpart.

‘You definitely have grown up’ it was echoing in my ears at that, which made me snort in anger.

Or was it unsatisfied need.

I was pumping my dick fervently now, lost in ecstasy, my eyes shut tightly, building up a world of its own in the darkness in front of me. By the time it had got slick with pre-cum I had to stifle my moans, despite myself being the only person in this room still being ashamed of that all. I stopped for a moment, releasing the throbbing mass in my hand for a second to take a proper look at it.

Almost beautiful, hard as it was, the tip pointing towards the ceiling, rosy-brownish flesh glistening with pre-ejaculate, the tip brazenly exposed by the foreskin, so voluptuous to touch...

Turned on even more by that sight I closed my fist around it again and jerked into my own touch, hissing in bliss. The darkness returned and I gave myself to the meditative rhythm of the pumping again, leaning forward, almost touching the table with my chin. Stifled groans and hisses were escaping me through clenched teeth, my right hand dropping the cigarette and clutching at the edge of the table, indignantly reminding me of the limited liberty of action, aching under the dirty bandages.

When I felt my release close my pumps became more frantic, brusquely tearing at the foreskin while I let go of the table and cupped my balls gently just to feel my skin on them, which finally made me reach the climax. A throaty cry of pleasure and sudden pain rendered my bliss audible, cum shooting into the warm, stuffy air, making me bend forward in blind bliss.

Still trembling from the surging waves of orgasm my forehead hit the table and I gave an angry groan at that accident, determined to examine that spot later when I was done. Right now I was dealing with the tremendously sublime feeling of sexual satisfaction washing over my body, still drawing uncontrolled moans of pleasure from me. Just for some more moments I tried to forget everything, keep my mind as empty as possible, focusing on one thing.

When it slowly started to fade, giving way to a full and comfortably exhausted feeling I leaned back, resting my hand on my dick, leaving my other limply hanging down between my legs.

I was breathing hard, eyes still closed, enjoying the last blissful sensations in my lower regions, dying away in the growing darkness.

It was a mystery to me why I had not engaged in any kind of intercourse sooner. Maybe it had never occurred to my mind to get my dick into some upright position before. The pain of the past and all current shit troubling my mind too much than to give in to these primal needs, or even acknowledging them as such.

Suddenly I felt like having missed a lot in my life until now. I was old enough to be Goku’s father, yet I had never had a wank in my life yet.

Just until now.

And it felt too good than to let it be a once in my lifetime experience. My hand darted out to get me a cigarette until I realized that it was completely covered with semen. Not in the mood for searching for any suitable kind of cloth right now I just wiped it clean in my robes and lit a cigarette.

It tasted so much finer after that orgasm.

While smoking I tried to make that post-orgasmic feeling solidify in my brain to turn it into a sentiment I could recall at will. Spent and blissfully happy.

Not often in my life I had experienced just a whiff of that feeling. It was divine, defying control entirely. Ash fell from my cigarette and down on my shriveling dick, mingling with the semen, but I did not care. It felt too good.

As time passed, my breathing rhythm returned to normal again and I sat up, wiping the sweat off my forehead which reminded me of my earlier collision with the table. I felt for that spot and instantly knew that it would leave a bump. Currently, not my problem. I got up on shaky legs, pushing myself up from the chair, feeling my hand throbbing from the pleasant labour.

A shrill cry to my left made me jump with fright and turn around to search for the source of it. Still ranting in that high voice something fluttered up in the dark corner and moved towards the open window. Shortly before it had flown out of it I had perceived its silhouette for the fraction of a second.

Presumably, a crow, or raven.

My heart was racing more than before and I had to sit down again to get over that shock. Yet, sitting down got my sticky cock between my legs and I writhed with disgust.

That act which had left me slap-happy moments ago now turned into something which filled me so completely with shame that I grasped the robe and cleaned it from that guilt-laden fluid.

I frowned at the blood stains on the white fabric, panicking. Where did that come from? Disbelievingly, I took my dick in my hand and looked at it. Nothing. When I pulled back the foreskin I got the see the cause of that mess: a small fissure at the frenulum. I had pulled too harshly. For a strange kind of reason, it filled me with grim satisfaction. It served me right, it served my dick right and it served everyone else right. Fuck it.

I got up then and removed the sash. On the way to the bathroom I carelessly let the robes slid from my body so that they came to lie on the floor in the middle of the room.

It was one of the longest showers in my life I had taken that evening. The dirtier, the longer it took.

I lay down with my hair still wet; I didn’t bother drying it.

And I shouldn’t have done that, since it stood on end the next morning. But not even that was something which could have annoyed me then.

I was hard. Waking up hard was a quite new experience to me. I had experienced that during puberty as well, but at some point, it had stopped again and never come back.

Now it seemed like something had kicked the testosterone engine into gear again, but much too quickly and much too abruptly, to my taste.

I threw the whiff of a blanket aside and stared at my morning wood. Proud, maybe, even, in some dark corner of my mind. But I couldn’t attend breakfast like that, I was not into humiliation that much to have the three of them staring at that at all. Even less after what had happened yesterday. So I wound my fingers round my hard-on and massaged and squeezed it back into usual, reasonable size.

There were times I had no trouble whatsoever touching myself after that incident, and there were times when just the hint of anything sexual was making me feel queasy. I was shifting between dark pain and dark lust, the happy days definitely being over.

I got dressed and to the bar area for coffee. The three of them were already there, sitting on uncomfy barstools since the breakfast was, oddly enough, served on the bar. The chairs were still up on the tables and the innkeeper hadn’t bothered to get one of them ready for us.

I was not extraordinarily pleased with the choice they had left me: either take my seat next to Gojyo or Goku. I snorted and chose the less annoying one, taking my state after just waking up into consideration.

Gojyo looked at me surreptitiously. His expression changed in a second when I stole a cigarette from the packet which was lying next to his plate.

“Don’t you have your own, damn monk?”

“Obviously, I don’t,” I snarled, lighting it. Coffee and cigarettes. I didn’t need any food anymore.

“And where’s that bump on your head comin’ from?” he said with a half-sided smile.

“Happened when I tickled the pickle,” I said prosaically, releasing some smoke through my nose and looking at the mirror image in front of me, watching his gaze changing from glee to consternation.

“Sanzo!” Hakkai tossed in and leaned forward to eye me, “Can you at least save these comments for when he’s old enough?!”

“Damn,” I laughed, “How old is he, seven? Hakkai, he’s a grown boy and got his own dick…”

I watched him pinching the bridge of his nose, sighing.

“What does he mean, hah?” Goku barged in, looking at Hakkai for further information.

“You did not really”

I felt his elbow in my ribs and turned my head to blow the smoke directly into his face.

Where did that sudden fit of lustfulness come from? Not from my cock which was slightly bulging in my pants again at the closeness of Gojyo.

“Dream on.”

After that spiteful remark I slid from the chair and went out of the inn, waiting for them to finish their breakfast. Only then I realized that my robes were bloodstained at a very revealing spot.

“Sanzo, you need to eat! You’ve barely had something for-“

“Shut up for god’s sake, I can take care of myself!!!”

“I don’t think so,” I heard Gojyo muttering in response.

I ignored it and left the porch, heading for the tobacconist’s at the other side of the street.

When I came back they were just leaving the inn and I cursed, having them see the stained robes. Goku didn’t really notice, Hakkai frowned at me in worry and Gojyo lifted a brow, trying to suppress a smile.

“Hey, Sanzo,” he shouted at me, smirking, finally, as I was approaching them, “did a candiru swim up your dick or what?”

The laugh is always on the loser. And Gojyo always made sure to remind me of that.

“Geez, Gojyo!”

Yet I had got enough sleep during the night to wake up fresh and quick so I wasn’t stumped for an answer.

“What’s a caniru?”

“Actually, the dilator I was using was a bit too thick,” I replied haughtily.

“CanDiru, Goku. It’s a kind of fish.”

I passed them and I could feel Gojyo’s eyes on my back.

“So what?”

“Well, it sucks blood, it’s a nasty thing, living in the Am…”

I went to the bar to pay for the rooms, then took a quick trip to the toilets to at least lighten the stains in colour.

When I came back to the jeep I felt Gojyo’s eyes on me but I stared at the house facades on the other side of the street, avoiding his eyes on purpose.

______

In the early afternoon my stomach was growling and I cursed Hakkai. To get rid of that annoying feeling I lit a cigarette during the drive. I didn’t do that often, since the wind was making it burn down faster and it was just a waste.

It didn’t take long for my horniness to turn into dejection again. Those feelings weren’t natural to me, and they left a bitter taste in my mouth. A bitter, salty one, to be precise.

Gojyo, who had seemed like a suitable fuck buddy some hours ago now was someone I tried to fully ignore. Considering that I had found him fuckworthy for a moment made me rub my eyes in disgust.

Back and forth, alternating between lecherousness and complete aversion, it was too straining. Maybe I should have talked to someone about it, getting it explained at least, but I was so ashamed of my feelings that didn’t feel like talking at all.

When he was out of sight I felt disgusted with anything related to him; when I saw him I felt drawn to him. And these feelings were of such intensity that I was oscillating between the highest heights and deepest depths. Wishing for closeness at one moment and seeking distance at the next - it left me hanging in the air, confused and ashamed.

Gojyo must have noticed at least some of the things going on in my head since he stayed away from me during those days. Squabbling with Goku, a comment for Hakkai every now and then and complete peace for me, apart from the thoughts I was producing on my own at his presence.

In the evening we were staying at another inn. Four rooms; I was not up for any games or risk at all. Right after pouring me a glass of Metaxa I had taken along upstairs I got rid of my clothes and took a shower. Studiously avoiding any eye-contact with my genitals, which were becoming quite lively again, I made it quick and left the tub, still dripping wet. The hot air would cool me down.

I lit a cigarette and gulped down another glass of that bitter shit, satisfying my self-destructive urge. Thanatos was feasting in hell tonight. It was a painful, but empowering mood. I could have walked out of the inn and cleansed the entire world of those creatures, including demons, men, women, children and animals. Everything. Let everything drown in that darkness of the Maten, if it had to be. I walked over to the window, looking outside at people still busily passing the inn at that time.

While I was dwelling on the most painful or hilarious ways of death I began to feel cold as shivers were running down my spine. To be alone in this world, completely alone. Eternal peace and quietness and no worries about interpersonal relationships, so I thought, anyway.

As I was standing alone in the darkness, puffing my cigarette, right now elaborating on the possibility of ripping a man apart by sending the scripture up his ass the lust returned. I was horrified by that twisted combination of death wishes and horniness, but I couldn’t help it. By now, I was so irritated by the constant change that I hit the wall, cursing.

My mind was flooded with images I usually found deviant…and I could feel my dick throbbing again. I closed my eyes and exhaled audibly, trying to defend myself against the gripping nature of that one thought, of that one totally stupid and outrageous thought…

In order to distract myself from that I took the bottle and took a pull on it, shuddering at the bitterness of the liquor. This night was going to be an excess, one way or another. I went back to the window, leaving the bottle in reach. It was getting dark soon. And when the darkness came it brought along the agony.

Tentatively, I let my hand slide down my chest, down to my dick, feeling it, feeling the hard flesh under my fingers, making me crave release even more. The skin was so smooth, not one bump or wrinkle, it was stretched to the max. I could feel the vein bulging and I played with it, pressing against it and feeling it come back again, giving me a childish, lost smile. At these times, it seemed like a miracle to me how I could have ignored that thing for such a long time, forgetting that primarily I had lacked virtually any sex drive. May it have been the herbs or the shit happening around me, I had been spared that vexatious affair of hard craving for a considerable amount of time.

Right now, I did not even dare start thinking about the fact that the appetence was there now, but only for men. I drowned these thoughts in another gulp of alcohol, trying to block the gossip of the monks in Kinzan out.

‘Genjyo Sanzo Hôshi Sama? No, say word? I always thought he was quite strange. Always hanging around with his master, sleeping in the same bed-‘

I swallowed hard and put the bottle down on the table to lit the fortieth cigarette, concentrating on the feelings touching myself gave me.

‘Pervert’

Feeling the dainty curve of my shaft merging into my glans evoked images of penetrating the sweet ass of-

‘Freak’

- of someone who had lowered his head so I couldn’t-

‘Creeper’

I moaned with pleasure as I was stroking myself, propping myself against the window frame, pressing my legs together so tightly that the sensation in my ass cheeks was doubling the intensity of that delirious state. Imagining him sucking me off, swiftly moving my fingers over the hard-on, forth and back, until the tension became unbearable.

Sweat ran down my forehead and I stuck out my tongue to taste it.

Salty.

Panting hard by now I lifted my head and inhaled to say something but I stifled my words in a fit of insecurity. I stared out into the night for a moment to make up my mind, then I let go of my dick and whispered a name into the dark though.

So sick.

Footsteps behind me made me whirl around and meet my very nemesis.

Dressed in black robes, wearing rectangular glasses he came walking towards me, slowly. I was like paralyzed.

When he stopped in front of me, one inch away from my fucking begging thing, only making me even hornier in that mix of deliberate submission and humiliation I was forced to look into those eyes again.

There was a different predominant expression in them. For some moments, we stood there just looking at each other until he lifted a hand to touch my cheek. I flinched from it, yet he tried again and I allowed him to caress my skin gently. I had been calling for him, now he was there and I had to deal with the trouble I had invoked.

“I have not been witnessing the Stockholm syndrome working so hard on someone yet,” he whispered, his voice oozing what seemed like scientific interest.

His hand slid down my throat, resting over my nipple then. I was left speechless by the emotions I was going through. Fear, awe, disgust, pain and lust.

“I’m not your guinea pig!” I shouted at him, overwhelmed by disgust at this point.

“Yet, you’re turning yourself into just that,” he smirked and pinched my nipple so hard that I cried out in pain.

As much as I was loathing that man, something bound me to him. I was seeking this pain, the darkness he brought along, the despair, the crisis, the complete dissolution of self and other. And the promise of lust satisfied.

I reached out into the darkness and grabbed his scripture to pull it off his shoulders but that quick-fingered bastard caught my hand and squeezed, looking at me firmly. Just when he realized that I wasn’t going to do mischief, that I just wanted to take it off his shoulders to put it on the table he let go and let me have it my way.

His breastplate was heavier than mine and I had to use both hands to safely drop it on the floor, my right hand aching at the strain. As I was working on his sash he put a hand on my hip, stroking my skin with his thumb. I had become a slave to him, thinking of only one thing all the time while undressing him: getting my dick into his ass and fucking him hard.

I gave up on the knot finally and just greedily pushed his robes aside, exposing his naked body. Noticing that he was just as hard I rocked my hips forward into his erection, shuddering at the blissful sensation of hard flesh on hard flesh.

“You’re being impatient,” he whispered, digging his nails into my hip which almost made me sink down on my knees. Drunken with passion I pressed my lips against his, ravaging his mouth with licks and bites until he responded in kind. I reached down to grab both of our dicks and rub them against each other, drawing a stifled moan from him which made me proud as a peacock.

Suddenly, I was slammed against the wall, leaving me benumbed and puzzled. He kept me up by my throat, making it difficult for me to breathe and instantly, I was reminded of that scene weeks ago. He seemed to enjoy strangling me. Like a curtain, fear fell down on my mind and I clutched at his hands, trying to loosen his grip to escape and run from him.

“That’s where you belong,” he said in a dark voice, sending a shiver down my spine. He let go and I fell on my knees, gulping for air. Nothing of that had made my dick any smaller.

Down there was a lonely place. A very lonely place.

I was confused, trying to find out what he wanted me to do and what I was allowed to do. Breathing hard, I kept sitting there, waiting for him to do or say something.

“Sit down,” he finally said, showing me what he wanted me to do by a wink of his head.

Clumsily, I got up and sat down on where I had shortly been sitting before, strange emotions claiming my mind. Part of me was enjoying that entire thing, part of me was suffering terribly, but that was what I wanted to feel. To kill myself, gently, and slowly. Only for this night.

He violently pulled my arms back and fixed them at the backrest of the chair, drawing a short cry of pain from me when he roughly gripped my right arm. I was about to protest, for the record again, when he straddled my legs, stepping between them, rubbing his knee against my dick. Just when I looked up, my eyes full of shame, I could watch him opening a vial and pouring the content into the bottle; a sort of white powder I could not identify. He carefully shook the bottle to blend it, then he held it in front of my face and I cocked my head to dodge it.

“Trust me,” he whispered, that malignant smile back on his lips.

I didn’t need to trust him; I wanted to be delivered from guilt and consciousness. Whatever he had put into the alcohol, I wasn’t going to refuse it one bit. Whatever worsened my state was welcome. Warmly welcome.

Showing him with my eyes that I was begging for it he thrust the glass into my mouth and forced me to lean back and I swallowed, swallowed until I was short on air. While panting for breath I felt my oesophagus rebelling against that violation and I coughed, the bitter taste also leaving my windpipe irritated.

In the middle of that fit he grabbed my hair, pulled my head back and let the alcohol flow into my mouth, letting it run down my chest and belly until the bottle was empty.

He put it back on the table then and lit a cigarette, looking at me with a condescending smile.

“You deserve it,” he whispered, leaning against the table, keeping his eyes glued to mine.

I could not but stare back at him. The longer I was touching his eyes with mine the more lost I got, finally losing all sense for pride and dignity. I did deserve it.

My eyes slid down his chest to the bulge in his robes. He was a whore, and I could only consort with someone of his kind, dirty on the inside, tainted, depraved. Turned on by kinkfuck, which he delivered par excellence.

“You like what you see?”

Without lifting my head I looked up at him. He was leaning against the table, a broad smirk on his face which gave him the aura of a lunatic. Which he probably was.

How sick had I been to summon him.

Feeling the effects of the alcohol slowly but consistently dazing me I looked down and wondered what the rest of the night would bring to me. He would not kill me. He would only hurt me.

As he untied me I could smell the patchouli in the air again and suddenly, I was longing for a cigarette myself. For something between my lips. Before I lay my hand on the pack of cigarettes he snatched it and I got up with an angry snarl to get it back. The moment I was up on my legs and faltering already he took my wrist and threw me on the bed so that I landed on my belly, face buried in sheets.

While I was cursing still and trying to prop myself up he was down on his knees, spreading my ass cheeks and rimming me. I froze, torn between the incredible pleasure given to me by that and the feeling of disgust, but wherever he had learnt to perform that, he had brought it to perfection. Sometimes gently, then fervently again he was touching my anus, sending thrills up and down my spine, making me writhe in delight. During the next tongue attack he pushed his hand under my balls and cupped them, making me arch up into the air in blind lust, forgetting all feelings of disgust and guilt finally.

When he tried to stick his tongue into my ass I tensed up reflexively, moaning at the torturing but pleasant feeling, making it difficult for him to stick it in any further. I could feel his silky hair on my ass, ticklish, yet stimulating, for a second until he drew back, leaving me alone. I vented my displeasure by an angry growl, turning my head to look why he had left me in the middle of almost-orgasm. I had been almost-coming for about an hour now and I was sick of that feeling, I wanted to get it over with finally. But he had disappeared in the darkness of the room.

When he came back he was holding something in his hands.

I was feeling hot and dizzy by now; one bottle of that liquor was just too much. Stolidly I sat up and turned around to face him.

“Whazzat?” I slurred, suddenly painfully made aware of my shaming state. He came to stand beside the table so I got up to see what he was up to. At least, that was what I had planned. Getting up proved to be more difficult than I had expected it to be. Not to say impossible. Yet, I managed to get up, somehow, and was standing, yet swaying next to him, trying to figure out with my bleary eyes what that thing was.

He ignored me completely and just uncapped the small bottle and let some of the liquid drop on the piece of cloth he was holding in his other hand.

The liquid was colourless and had a faint juicy fresh smell.

All of a sudden he pressed the cloth against my mouth and nose and I breathed in deeply in shock.

Immediately, my heart sped up and warmth exploded in my body; warmth of a different kind than the alcohol had left on my flesh and it felt like my cheeks were burning with heat. A feeling of blissful peace together with dizziness and a vicious headache were demanding my attention at the same time, demanding too much of me.

My head was spinning so I let my body fall on the bed. It felt like flying. As I hit the mattress my dick smacked my belly and I chuckled at that.

“Shall I bottle-fuck you?”, I heard a voice in the darkness in front of me.

I licked my lips, my entire mind a rosy, undulating sea, my dick begging for some action. My eyes met the Metaxa bottle he was holding and the sight together with the image associated with it unleashed a wave of thrilling ecstasy.

At this point, his offer seemed like a good at idea. Smirking, I grabbed the sheets, threw my head back and spread my legs wide as a reply.

Feeling his fingers on my skin as he spread my ass cheeks again was such a mind-boggling experience that I arched into his touch.

“Shove it in,” I panted, no longer in control of myself at all.

For a moment, I felt the glass on my skin as well before it slid through the ring of muscles, easily, way too easily for my taste. I bent my legs and let wave after wave of heat and pleasure wash over my body, reaching out for my dick to stroke it.

Slowly, I felt the bottle sliding into my ass, stretching it. The short pauses he made were just enough for me to get used to the new feeling. My heart was still racing and I had difficulties in breathing, yet the lack of oxygen only served to heighten the dizziness which, in turn, was heightening the sensation that lack left in my groin so I didn’t bother about it any further.

“I’m gonna fuck you senseless now,” I heard him whispering from between my legs.

He had barely finished the sentence when he swiftly pulled on the bottle so that it almost slid from my ass, leaving me a trembling, hot mess. As he shoved it in again I tightly gripped the sheets and threw my head back again in pleasure, my mind taking off.

Concentrating on these feelings now I let go of my dick and let myself get lost in this wicked sensations as he passionately fucked me with that bottle.

Just until I cried out in distress at the acute pain in my ass.

He stopped for a moment, then pulled against the bottle but it wouldn’t move without causing me a dull pang in my bowels. I protested against any further attempts of removing it, turning around and looking into gloating, big eyes. In a sudden fit of panic I kicked him aside and properly sat up to inspect my ass, which drew another stifled wail of pain from me. Half of the bottle was still in my ass and as much as I tried to contract my muscles it wouldn’t get out.

“You’re kidding me,” I panted, my alcohol-dazed mind still working well enough to understand what had just happened and where the pain was coming from.

The bastard was kneeling next to me, taking in the sight of his preferred man in distress and stroking his own dick now.

I felt so grossed out by that entire situation that I jumped from the bed, irrespective of the pain and my fuddled mind and headed for the table to get my gun. It was foolish to try to shoot him, I knew that, I just did not think of that right now.

Just when I reached for it I felt his presence behind me and one moment later he pressed the cloth against my nose again. Desperately, I tried to hold my breath but not for just a second I succeeded in doing so, I was just too upset. Inhaling that shit again made me feel even worse than the first time; my ears went deaf with the shrill ringing of an oncoming fainting fit and my vision got blurred. Frantically, I tried to push his hands away to get some fresh air into my lungs but he was too strong and I too weak.

My knees gave way and I collapsed, feeling his erection grazing my back and head as I slumped down.

The last thing I felt was my heart exploding in my head, then I lost consciousness.

___________________

I came back to life when it was still dark. Everything around me was dark. Everything.

The excruciating pain in my head made me shut my eyes tightly again and give a good, long moan before working up the nerve to deal with the outer reality again.

Anxiously, I reached down to feel for my ass. Viscid warm. Pain. No glass.

I sighed with relief.

Obviously, he had been so kind as to free me from that bottle; how, I didn’t want to think of right now. All I knew was that it must have hurt like hell because it still hurt like hell. Too low-spirited than to take action I kept lying there for some minutes, unable to get hold of any straight thought.

A night of excess and binge. I felt dirty, heartless and soulless. He had taken that with him.

Had that all been worth it?

The humiliation, the pain, the new scars that night had left on my soul.

My hand landed on my eyes. It was getting wet.

The metallic taste in my mouth made me long for a cigarette. As I tried to figure out where they must have been I got distracted by the headache again. Eventually, I recalled them being in his hand shortly before he threw me on the bed.

On the floor. Not within my reach.

“Fuck,” I sweared, my voice barely audible in the dark.

The taste in my mouth reminded me of that night too much than to bear it any longer.

Somehow, I got off the bed and reached for the cigarettes. With the last of my strength I climbed the bed again and wriggled myself up to the pillow. Only then I realized that I was bleeding, since the sheets were feeling awfully moist all of a sudden. I was too tired by now to freak out anymore and I could have bled to death for heaven’s sake, I didn’t care anymore.

The pitcher went to the well until it broke.

Smoking the cigarette under tears I tried to ignore the growing pain in my ass, focusing on the taste of the tobacco.

It was a different taste when mingled with tears.

_____________

Sunlight woke me up again after some more hours of fitful sleep. To be exact, it wasn’t the sunlight which had woken me, but rather the hearty knocking on the door.

“I’m coming in!” I heard a voice outside warningly shouting at the wood, presumably. Before I realized what that implicated the door was opened and Gojyo entered the room. But not much.

After two steps he stopped and looked at me in disbelief. I turned my head away and pulled on the sheets to cover as much of my body as possible. My face felt bruised somehow, my body not like my own. Same head, different body; same feeling, different night, same-

“What the fuck”

I cleared my throat and fully turned around, showing him my back.

For some more moments there was silence, then I heard him coming closer. He crouched down to face me. There wasn’t anything in his face I had feared to be there.

No disgust at that smell, no malicious glee at what had happened to me, no commiseration at that pitiful sight. Just attentive eyes, somehow showing a kind of mercy I could accept.

He blinked and turned to let his gaze slide across the room. Somewhere, it got stuck. He got up, picked something up from the floor and with slow steps came back again, looking at the small bottle in his hands.

A questioning look hit me and I felt guilty as fuck. Apparently, he knew what it was. Apparently, it wasn’t something he approved of and apparently, he had not thought of me as someone to use it at all.

At least he thought I had used it.

Then, the larger bottle caught his attention. I only knew because I heard a clinking sound; he was turning his back on me when examining it.

He got up again and sat down on the bed, facing me, still holding the small bottle.

“I…” he started with a breathy voice,” I came upstairs because we were almost done with breakfast and you’re never late and…Hakkai wanted to check on you but I thought I’d…I should do that.”

He bit down on his lip, chewing on some dead piece of skin, turning his head away from me again to stare into the vacant air.

Minutes passed in silence until I reached for the pack of cigarettes and lit one. It tasted like blood.

He turned to face me again, looking up at me like a dog, and I knew that shit was on the way again. But I didn’t care anymore.

“Sanzo…”

I kept smoking, unimpressed. I couldn’t care anymore. I wished I could, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything at his words. At least, not any anger or embarrassment anymore.

He rubbed his eyes, then reached into his pocket and lit a cigarette as well.

I liked his more than the ones of that bastard.

“We’re leaving tomorrow,” I said dryly, taking another drag from my cigarette without any further comment or explaining look.

More silence until he got up to throw his cigarette out of the window. He came back to the bed and sat down right beside me.

“Do you like that?” he said hesitantly.

“Like what?” I asked in a strained voice.

“The…the pain”

It took some doing to get that word out of him.

I concentrated hard on staring at the same spot I had been staring at for a while now. Nevertheless I could not hide the faint change in my expression which he undoubtedly must have noticed. In order to spare me the humiliation which an answer would have evoked I decided for the less degrading option of not answering at all. I couldn’t get myself to admit it loudly and he’d also know that way.

He was staring at the bloodied sheets, lost in thoughts.

“Get me an aspirin.”

A sigh escaped him and he got up without looking at me again.

“I’ll tell them we’ll stay here for today.”

With that he left the room. I left it up to him to explain things to them. I didn’t care anymore.

At least, I managed to sit up now and after adjusting the pillow it was almost comfy there. Just a bit soggy.

When he came back I had lighted another cigarette.

“Hakkai is suspicious. I told them you were blind drunk and now are hungover.”

Whatever.

I took the glass from his hand and downed it in one swig. I had never liked that taste, but if I had emptied a one-litre-bottle of strong liquor of a much worse taste some carbonated lemon water wouldn’t kill me either.

“You gotta stop that,” he said in a grave voice, emphasizing it with a serious look.

He sat down on the bed again and it felt like he was much too close. It was absurd, how could he trigger such feelings when a man had just fucked me some hours ago, but that was something else entirely.

“When you cut yourself after that incident…I couldn’t bear it.”

“I don’t care if you can bear it or not!” I yelled at him, finally irked by that egoism I thought to perceive in his words, “I do what I please!”

“Of course, but…”

He was at a sudden loss of words and tilted his head to look at the floor.

Rage was building up inside me, worsened by the feeling of disgust claiming my entire mind. He was too close.

“Could you just do me a favour and leave?!” I snapped at him, now fully unnerved by his presence and behavior. I didn’t like what was in the air.

He closed his eyes, then turned his head and gave me one last look before he got up and left the room.

As he closed the door I lifted my hand to cover my eyes. I couldn’t deal with that.

I could put up with pain, I could bear with mind games and I could deal with raw sex, but I couldn’t cope with what he was dealing me.

It seemed like he had made up his mind a long time ago already. But I wasn’t ready for that. For me, it was just the beginning of a painful inward journey; like I had joined a one-man-encounter group without realizing. Actually, a two-men-encounter group. And I was forced to face myself finally, they gave me no chance to refuse or flee.

I slammed my head against the wall and cursed the night he had returned.

Nothing but trouble so far.

_________
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When darkness speaks