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Know Your Darkness	By : MelloxChocolate Category: > Durarara!! (?????!! Dyurarara!!) Views: 4070 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara!!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Chapter 1
- 2-The Quiet Place
- 1
- 2
I believe the reasons as to why Izaya accepts Shizuo so seemingly easy again weren't really being written in detail, so I figured I will add an extra chapter that was originally supposed to be part of the main story.
However, I now wrote about different timelines ranging from before they make up, to during, to after.
I know the first part is kinda dark again because it was supposed to go into the first chapter, however, I still hope I can make things, and Izaya's inner turmoil and conflicted decisions, the fact that he was indeed waiting for Shizuo all along, a little clearer with this.
There are things that might stray from the canon. But I'm such a sucker for happy endings...
Enjoy.
I guess there's always something killing me, so it might as well be you.
"I had no reason to save him, but I had no reason not to save him, either...", Izaya whispers to himself as he runs almost paper-white, long fingers through the soft fur of the black feline, "this little guy...maybe I should name him Shizu-chan?"
I'm waiting, even though I hate myself for it. I'm waiting, because I can't forget.
What are you to me, anyway? A fleeting but very stubborn memory? I hate this weakness of mine, and yet, I want to believe that you'll remember me, and come pick me up. I want to believe, even if every second I allow it another part of me dies. Because it's not coming true, regardless of how long I've been waiting, or how much I'm longing. Yet, the memories keep bleeding through. Increasing my self-loathing until it becomes unbearable...
You should've never pretended to love me the way you did. You're a liar...
I feel like if I give in to the urge of crying, something in me will shatter. So I won't cry.
So, with all my strength, I want to hate you. I want to hate you so much that your absence doesn't hurt me anymore. That your loss is just a meaningless loss, along with all the other humans I've lost. Or threw away.
Because if you turn out to be more than that, what does it make me, for letting you, the only one I've ever wanted, go? But this is a silly line of thoughts. So silly...
I'm too good to want someone who doesn't want me. Too perfect to yearn for a lost soul. I love my life. I love it so much, and yet...why do I feel so endlessly empty?
This is what I keep asking myself. But to be precise, in fact, I've come to hate every aspect of what surrounds me. The people I see, the environment I live in, I hate it so much that I want to destroy all of it. Burn it down until nothing remains, and hope my memories vanish along with it. But that wouldn't happen, would it? Regardless of what I do, I can't forget. So kill me...
There are times I allow myself to dream, for a mere moment, picturing in my mind what we would say and do, imagining how your touch would feel. There are times I lose hope, times I think you won't return, because waiting for you is so painful. Because waiting for you is illogical.
But I don't fear the pain. I only fear growing old and not having you beside me, still waiting until my dying breath. But even then, I still have the hope of seeing you in our next life and wishing for a better ending.
How many lifetimes do we need to live through to find happiness? How many have we already experienced, for us to reach this point? Were we lovers in our past lives, soul mates, that our feelings carried over, or were we enemies, forced apart and never allowed happiness, for us to become this way?
Recently I've been draining the necessary energy from my very soul, I'm feeling it. My body can't keep up. At times my body hurts so much that I can't sleep at all, in those moments I truly feel like I'm about to die. And I keep whispering for you to come. But you aren't hearing me...
I'm all I have left.
I lived, believing my love was the most important, believing it was my core, but in the end it left me with nothing.
Perhaps because it was never reciprocated? Perhaps an one-sided love, is indeed, the most cruel thing of all.
But I'm alive. So it can't be that bad after all, huh? Not bad enough to kill me yet...
Izaya closes his eyes as his mind keeps becoming more agitated and desperate.
You are the only one I can be myself with, who accepts all my ugly sides. The only person that doesn't walk away; the only one who isn't appalled. We can't be with anyone else.
I think of you, every day, every night. You haunt me in my dreams. I always wondered what I should do to show you that I have genuine feelings for you, whether they are of love or hatred. If I told you this, you'd think it's a lie. Because a monster isn't lovable. That goes for us both, doesn't it?
But what if this isn't what humans call "love"? What if this is something entirely different, and we merely lack the right words for it? I want to believe that this which ties us together, isn't love, isn't fate, but something unique and precious belonging to us alone. To the monsters walking this earth.
I will never let you go, and I want you to know. I want you to know that this will most likely kill me, that I've considered jumping off the rooftop so many times, and yet, I'm still here, waiting for you, calling for you. But I'll never let you know.
It's not that I believe in you, it's not that I chose to trust you, it's not that I'm too grand to admit I was wrong, nor that I'm afraid to accept it. It's the fact that this truth is something within me, that will never allow me to move on. Encaged in a specific timeframe, my mind swirls around this single unwavering truth in my life, the one thing that will never change. I'm a strong person, and yet, sometimes, I believe that perhaps it's in fact you who is my strength. Because you are my core; you became my core. My insides consist of you alone, you've been gradually consuming everything.
Regardless of my eloquence, whenever it comes to you, I have such trouble finding the correct words. It almost feels as though no word is good enough to describe you, or my feelings for you. In comparison to your strength, all the words seem to glance off of you.
Therefore, until that moment you return to me, I will lock it all away. So deeply. The darkness closing in on me, all the mindless drones on the streets, it's all so boring. When I watch them from above, it seems as though they aren't humans, more like, replaceable copies.
When I look in their eyes, I see nothingness. But perhaps, it is this way, precisely because they are indeed humans? Haha...
Until that day you return, I will ignore it all. I will keep clinging to my empty smiles. I will walk this world as a shadow, and make-believe I hate you. Why? Because it's the only way to survive. I want to hold on, until I can create a Valhalla for us, Shizu-chan. So forgive me.
I love you.
Are you thinking of me in this moment? Because my heart feels like it's being torn apart.
Ah, but if you do indeed return, let's marry. Because we are each other's only chance at happiness. I want our lines to converge at the end, so we'll never have to walk alone again.
Perhaps, in five minutes, I will truly resent you again...Shall we see?
...
Izaya laughs sardonically.
On the roof, when I realized the person I was talking to the entire time, and deliberately opening up to, albeit never trusting completely, is the very same person I've longed for, I was overwhelmed. Emotions ranging from utter panic to bliss came washing over me, so much that I became dizzy.
My first reflex would have been to push you away, to turn around and walk away, or even to leap, and yet, before I even got a chance to act upon it, when you tightly embraced me, your warmth, the very real affection I sensed from you, was so much stronger than all other lingering thoughts and options.
I was so angry, so hurt, so hateful; I put all my strength into despising you, for all your flaws, for everything I deem illogical, for all the amassed pain you inflected upon me. But in that moment, albeit sounding like a completely average and cliched thing; it simply didn't matter anymore.
I told you lies, and I could tell you all the lies in the world again, and yet, even though I tried, I failed to find a reason for it. I see no more reasons to lie to you, after realizing you have always known me despite the empty lies I told you.
The dreams I had about you, some of in which you rejected me, in others holding me, until my mind was a fuzz. Those dreams were so different from reality. Both the good ones and bad ones filled me with nothing but bitterness, but your very real smile was able to take all of that away. Your genuine eyes swayed me, despite everything I thought of myself and held firmly on to.
In the end, there's one person I hated even more than myself, and that I love more than myself: You.
The only thought that flashed before my inner eye then was "stay". I don't care how long our future will last, I don't care if we die tomorrow, because every day with you, is everything I want.
"Keep holding me...forever", Izaya whispers as he takes in Shizuo's scent, his hands crawling over the other's back; instigating a closer embrace and grazing the skin faintly.
Despite his words, Izaya jumps ever so slightly as Shizuo touches his lower spine, causing him to whimper due to the sensibility of it.
He falls back onto the bed, getting a good look of the blonde's chest, pampered by the gratifying imagery, "this scar on your chest, I inflicted upon you, did I not, Shizu-chan?", Izaya asks with a honest gaze as he reaches up to trace the imperfect skin with polished black fingernails.
Shizuo blinks, before taking the slightly smaller hand into his and nodding, "yeah, that's why I...treasure it. Now I do..."
Gasping, the crimson eyes are locked on his as Shizuo runs his other hand along the scarred leg of his partner. The faint blush on Izaya's cheeks drowning his pallor.
"And this...I inflicted upon you...I'm sorry...", Shizuo flinches, turning his head to look away, before Izaya palms his cheek. "Don't look away. Look at me as I am now", he smiles delicately.
Subsequently, Shizuo kisses the back of the other's hand, noticing how the familiar ring barely keeps staying on the thin finger, before parting his lips to utter something incomprehensible that almost sounds like I'm sorry, I'm sorry, as he threatens to get swallowed by the recurring, dark thoughts.
"You know, Shizu-chan, I think I'll do my best at learning to walk properly again", Izaya grins, "because it's truly annoying needing your help all the time", putting a finger to Shizuo's lips, he continues, "and because...I want to be able to stand beside you."
Shizuo's eyes widening as he snaps out of it, he speaks up in surprise, "stand beside me...you mean-", before being interrupted by Izaya's Sshh!
"This is all for you...I love you so much", Izaya smiles as he says it to Shizuo. "I had accepted my defeat, but now...I want more. That's why I want you to watch me closely. Watch me as I climb my way back to the top, or perhaps, as I pull heaven down to earth?", he chuckles, embracing his lover tightly.
"Crazy as ever, my beloved Izaya-kun", Shizuo sighs exaggerated as he rolls his eyes, "but I...like the sound of that", he smirks, entangling his fingers in the black hair tickling him, "I think you should keep your hair at this length...it suits you."
"Oh, do you think so, Shizu-chan? Don't I look too...feminine with it?", the information broker tilts his head, "well, albeit, I've taken a liking to it as well...I assume."
"Why did you let it grow, in the first place?", the blonde asks as he's playing with the other's silky hair, carefully avoiding getting knots in it.
"Why, I wonder? Hm...", Izaya ponders, teasingly kissing the neck of the other man, "because I couldn't stand looking at me in the mirror anymore."
"You are beautiful", Shizuo beams, planting butterfly kisses along the other man's ear and enticing a giggle.
"Shizu-chan, I think you should stop dying your hair. I want to see you the way you really are", the information broker states as he's grasping the blond strands and burying his hands in them. "You will be the most beautiful. Kiss me more. Love me more..."
...
"Despite not feeling everything, right now I'm feeling you wholly", Izaya utters as his lips are being enclosed by Shizuo's and his body is being engulfed by an almost-forgotten fire.
Shizuo smiles as he's putting down a bowl of milk, petting the cat's head, "Shizu-chan, huh?", he sighs.
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Know Your Darkness