Reflections (at a Tori Amos concert)

part 2
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True to his word, Yuuichiro wakes me at four, a glass of water in in his hand. "Drink," he urges.

My mouth feels like cotton, so I do. Nothing has ever tasted as good in my life as this water does, cool and slightly sweet. I drain the glass with surprising speed.

Yuu regards me with some amusement, his brown eyes warm and sparkling. "Raye..." he begins, then falters, searching for the right words. I look at him expectantly, but I never anticipate what finally comes. "Raye, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have threatened you. It's just...well, you're...special to me. I think of you like the sister I never had. I worry about you." As he speaks from his heart he stares at the floor, avoiding my gaze.

My eyes search his face for a deeper meaning to his words, but I find none. Whatever he felt for me before, he has relegated me to the role of little sister. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

He turns to me suddenly, and takes my hands in his. "Promise me you'll stay sober tonight." His eyes meet mine, and I can see into his heart for an instant. "If not for me or for yourself, then for Serena."

The implication hits me like a ton of bricks. "You know."

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Raye, I've known for some time that you're Sailor Mars, ever since I saw her use a spirit ward. I guessed Serena was Sailor Moon from her hair. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who the others are."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but his next words make up my mind.

"You love her, don't you?" His eyes lock with mine and I feel all my arguments wither and fade, along with my resolve. I burst into tears. He buries my face in his shoulder.

"She...loves him...always has," I hiccup. "Her prince...."

"Shh...it's okay. It's all right." His hand, surprisingly gentle for such a large man, strokes my hair as he whispers words of comfort.

"No...it isn't. We're her protectors...always have been, as it should be." I sit back a bit, calmer now. "How can I protect her when I am preoccupied with the light--"

"--in her eyes, or the music of her laughter, or the way her hair covers her like a blanket when she...sleeps...." His words trail off suddenly, and the meaning of them becomes clear. "Raye...I...." he stammers, blushing fiercely.

I put a finger to his lips before he can say anything else. His eyes become the window to his soul and his love for me shines brightly in them. How could I have been so blind? Inwardly I kick myself, realizing how much I have hurt this gentle man over the past few years. My inner turmoil is pushed aside for a moment. "Yuuichiro...why didn't ever you tell me?"

"Because I knew I could never be enough for you, without knowing why. Now I know."

Oh, Kami-sama, it hurts to look into his eyes...so I lean forward and give him a peck on the cheek.

"What was that for?" he asks, eyes wide.

"For being you," I answer. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get dressed."

"Aww...can't I watch?" He grins lopsidedly as an unruly lock of hair falls over his eyes. He blows it up and out of the way, then flashes another smile.

"Ecchi," I say halfheartedly. After all, I expected a comment along those lines. Still grinning, Yuuichiro leaves me to get dressed.

I peel off my tank top and toss it into my clothes hamper, followed by my jeans, both sweat-soaked from my nap. For at least a minute I stand nearly naked, staring at the dress Serena has picked out. It has a halter neck and will show any bra I dare to wear. I decide against wearing one finally and slip it on. Looking in the full-length mirror I turn, and realize just how low the back is. It dips to a point just below my waist and (thankfully) just above my g-string. After wondering whether or not it will show, an evil thought insinuates itself in my mind and the g-string is flung into the hamper as well. The sudden draft makes me aware of my growing wetness.

A glance at the clock reveals that Serena will be here momentarily. I decide I still have a bit of time, so I line my upper eyelids in black. As I apply scarlet lipstick my door slides open and Serena bounces in. She is lovely in her pink floral minidress with its fitted skirt. Her pigtails are tied with gold and pink ribbons which trail down her back. Glitter decorates her hair and angelic face, making her truly look the magical girl she is.

"Raye, aren't you ready?!" she asks, incredulous. "I want to get there early and make sure we get good seats."

"Do you have the tickets with you?"

"Yes, in my purse." She rummages in her purse, pulling them out with a 'ha!' of accomplishment.

I turn from my mirror as I brush my hair. "Well, take a look at them. Are they general admission, or do they have seat numbers on them?"

"Hang on a sec...." She sits on my bed to pull the tickets from their envelope, rather than attempt to balance them and her purse while standing. "Section 108, row C, seats 4 and 5. Why?"

"If it's assigned seating, then it doesn't matter how early we get there. Calm down and let me finish getting ready." I turn back towards the mirror and continue brushing. Her reflection shifts and I glimpse white lace beneath her skirt. I can feel the blood rush to my cheeks at the thoughts that enter my head before the blush is visible. Gods, she is so sexy! I long to tell her, but I lack the courage. Instead I say, "You look nice, Serena."

"Thanks. So do you. I wish I filled out my dress as well as you fill out yours, though." She sighs, looking down at her smaller chest. The gauzelike material of her dress skims over her slender figure, accentuating just enough that her attributes are evident.

My eyes settle on the reflected lace yet again, and I find myself wondering about what lies underneath. A vision fills my head : peeling the panties off of her, I part the blonde curls and lower my lips to her netherlips...

...and shake my head violently, before madness takes over and I do such things for real. I stand quickly and the sudden draft makes me aware of my wetness. "Let's go, Serena," I say in as flat a voice as possible, rather than betray my feelings to her. I grab my purse and leave my bedroom, with her following on my heels.

As we slip on our shoes Grandpa enters. "Going out again, Rei-chan?" he asks me in his native tongue, using the Japanese pronunciation of my name.

"Yes, Ojii-chan. I won't be out late," I reply in English. My Japanese isn't the greatest, and with my head full of... other things, I'm in no mood to try.

He grabs my hand and his eyes bore into mine for a moment. When he releases me, I feel paper money in my hand.

"Arigato gozaimashita." I bow swiftly, then give him a peck on the cheek. He blushes a bit and I can't help but recall Serena's earlier comment.

"Have fun, Granddaughter. Stay out of trouble...both of you," he adds, looking Serena over.

"Thanks, Grandpa!" Serena answers exuberantly. Over the past few years Grandpa has treated my friends like family and they have responded in kind. "I'll keep Raye out of trouble; don't worry about her." I sigh and grab her delicate hand, pulling her towards the door. She allows herself to be pulled along, waving like a child, opening and closing her hand.

"Itte rasshai, Rei-chan," Grandpa calls after me.

"Itte mairimasu," I call back through the closed door.

Serena gigles as we dash towards the steps. "Grandpa's so cute. I just wish he'd stop checking me out."

Inwardly I cringe. Outwardly, I just shake my head.

-----

It's a nice evening, so we walk to the concert venue. It only takes us about a half-hour. A crowd is already forming when we arrive. It seems to be made up of mostly girls, with the only guys being a few that were dragged along. In an effort to distract myself from Serena I check out a few other girls. One of them notices and winks. I blush. She smiles and saunters over. Her green crushed velvet shirt and black leggings hug her large, but pleasing, figure. I can't help but make a mental comparison to Lita, as they share height and coloring. "Is this your first Tori concert?" she asks.

I nod. "I was dragged here against my will. She's the fan." I indicate Serena with a jerk of my head.

The woman briefly glances at Serena and a strange look crosses her face. She leans forward and whispers in my ear: "When you tire of girls and you're ready for a woman, give me a call." Her hot breath caresses my ear as she presses a scrap of paper into my hand.

I let the paper flutter to the ground.

The chestnut-haired woman stares at the paper, then looks me in the eye. "You don't know what you're missing...but like opportunity, I only knock once." She gives Serena a dirty look and turns on her heel, stalking indoors.

We notice the crowd is thinning and decide to go inside as well. We find our seats occupied by two drunk guys who immediately hit on us. "Oh, I don't think my girlfriend will let me be with any guys," Serena purrs, clinging to my arm and leaning her head on my shoulder.

"Well, we can always make it a foursome," one of the guys slurs.

"No, we can't," I say, giving a menacing glare. As drunk as they are, they wisely decide not to press the issue and vacate our seats. Once they are out of earshot we both burst out laughing.

The opening act is horrible, as so many are. Enough said. There is a resounding cheer as he leaves the stage and the house lights come up quickly.

At nine, when Tori is due to take the stage, the crowd begins to chant her name. Oh, how I once longed for the ecstatic rush of everyone screaming my name! Now it is enough to hear Serena call it from across the shrine courtyard.

Around 9:15 the lights finally dim and the crowd goes nuts, screaming their adoration for Tori. She finally takes the blue-lit stage, bowing and blowing kisses to the crowd with both hands before being seated at her Bosendorfer. When the crowd quiets she strikes a note, softly...then again, louder...and again. Her rich voice lifts over the repeated notes:

"She's a beauty queen
my sweet
bean bag in the street
take it
down out to the laundry scene
don't know why she's in my hand
can't figure what it is
but I lie lie lie again"

The crowd shrieks its approval as she continues, launching into a magnificent piano/voice duet.

"I've got me some horses to ride on, to ride on
they say that your demons can't go there..."

Funny that she should mention demons, considering I'm constantly battling internal and external ones. I find her music (voice) to be less annoying live, and actually begin to enjoy it.

"...as long as your army keeps perfectly still...
keeps perfectly still...keeps perfectly...still"

The song ends and the stage is suddenly white as the lights change. A curtain behind Tori rises and her band is revealed. The new song brings more declarations of love, making the jangly guitar barely audible. Tori mumbles into the microphone: to hear her pearls of wisdom, the crowd must be silent. Once they are she begins to sing:

"All the world just stopped now
so you say you don't wanna stay together anymore..."

As she sings she seems to be looking directly at...me?! It's impossible, but the words are oh-so-fitting. On our last night, as we lay together, Darien told me he didn't feel right about continuing our relationship.

"I think it's that...girl
I think there are pieces of me you've never seen
maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen..."

She strikes a chord, and it slices through my heart, through that long-hidden, secret pain. Serena sensed it, saw through my facade, while we were trapped on that ski slope. Like the fool I am, I shoved my true feelings aside and laughed it off. Then I further sabotaged any chance with either of them by pushing her wholeheartedly towards him. Yet how could I not? She is my best friend, my soulsister. She is my princess. She is...my insanity. She is my heart. He is hers. I am not.

"caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well
well better than I used to"

All I want is her happiness. Is that wrong? He can make her happy. He can be her dream prince. I am just a glorified bodyguard.

"haze all clouded up my mind
in the days of the why's we could've never been"

But when I am with her, I am more than that. Her infinite capacity for love and forgiveness confounds me to no end. I call her a klutz and she laughs. I mock her hair, and she calls me her best friend. I tell her to grow up, and she throws her arms around me.

"so you say and I say you know you're full of wish"

No shit.

By the end of the song tears are streaming down my face. Serena looks at me, the orange spotlight reflecting off her glittered face and eyes. Oh, those eyes! They can see right through me sometimes, and this was one of them. "Raye, what's wrong? Oh, no, did that song dredge up bad memories? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have dragged you here. I'm such an idiot!" Her beautiful, perfect mouth keeps moving but I can hear no more as the crowd roars its approval. Her lip trembles in empathy.

How I long to throw my arms around her and tell her I'm the idiot, not she. But I do not. I cannot, for I have often said the same. Innumerable times I have degraded and humiliated her, never realizing until recently why. I've spent so long hiding any real feelings that it has become instinct rather than habit. Somehow, in the midst of all my self-denials, this wide-eyed, innocent child reached the part of me that is capable of love and I began to see her as more than a tolerated nuisance.

Her pigtail slaps against me, bringing back reality. Once more lost in the music, Serena writhes and undulates in ecstasy.

"boys on the left side
boys on my right side
boys in the middle
and you're not here..."

Oh, if she only knew how wet her dancing got me!

I don't know when I fell in love with Serena. I remember when I first consciously realized it, though. It was when we fought against the Cardian Minotaur and regained our memories. As they came flooding back, so did my feelings. I held her trembling body to me, reveling in the sensation of her chest heaving against mine. I realized she would have given her life for us although we didn't know her. I knew I could and would do no less for her. The naive child I once knew had turned into a woman overnight and captivated me, body and soul.

"dreamed a little dream
made my own pretty hate machine..."

I laugh out loud at this line, attracting glares from those around us. Serena turns her face towards me, biting her bottom lip. Her caring, trusting eyes well slightly with tears.

What kind of beast am I, to bring her this pain? Yet I cannot tell her the truth; it would only cause more pain.

The stage darkens, and the crowd quiets. A lavender spot hits Tori, now alone on stage. A soft chiming begins:

"and through the life force and there goes her friend
on her Nishiki it's out of time
and through the portal they can make amends..."

I note the simplicity of the melody and the beauty therein. Just like Serena.

"can't stop what's coming
can't stop what is on its way..."

She must be able to read my mind. So often it feels like that!

"I said you don't need my voice girl
you've got your own..."

Words I could've, should've said. I could have been more supportive. I should have challenged her less. But it was all to make her stronger. Someone had to...didn't they?

"bells and footfalls and soldiers and dolls
brothers and lovers she and I were..."

I can stand to hear no more. I race down the steps and aisle and out into the hallway. I vaguely hear her call out my name over the incessant noise of that accursed piano. O wretched muse, get thee from my head! Cease voicing my most secret desires! I scream silently. I sink to the floor, against the wall. Burying my face in my knees I mutely cry out my heart.

I smell her fruity body spray before her hand touches my shoulder. Still I flinch. Her touch is feather-light, but it electrifies me. Just the merest contact makes my knees weak.

"Raye, what's wrong?" Her high-pitched voice is music to my ears. "Please talk to me. I thought you were thinking of Darien, but there's no way "Bells" has anything to do with him. And don't say it isn't the music, 'cause I've been watching you since you began crying two songs ago...no, make that three. Raye, you mean the world to me and I want to MMMPH!"

I do the only thing I can think of to silence her, and kiss her. Right on the mouth, hard enough to steal her breath. It is at once the bravest and most foolhardy thing I've ever done. Her lips are soft and sweet, as I always dreamed they would be.

It must be a full minute before I realize her hands are on my face as she returns my kiss.

A guard clears his throat. "Ladies, you can't stay here."

Serena does not take her eyes from mine as she replies, "Lovers' quarrel. Do you mind?" He walks away uncomfortably. She strokes my hair and brushes an errant jet strand back from my eye. "How long have you known?" she asks, her eyes shining.

I look at her, bewildered. "Since we battled the Cardian and got our memories back."

"Really? I didn't realize how much I loved you until about...two months...ago...." She trails off as she notices my expression of utter shock. Logic prevails again and her eyes widen in realization. "You mean...oh, Raye! I can't believe you hid it for so long! Why didn't you tell me?"

"I just wanted you to be happy." My voice is a shaky rasp. "I thought he made you happy."

Her voice becomes as soft as her noon-sky eyes. "He does, but not like you. You are so much more than a friend. You are my fire, my passion. My inner voice. You have turned me into someone who deserves respect. You have given me the strength I will need to rule Crystal Tokyo.

"Raye, you are sister, friend, protector and lover rolled into one for me. I love you as much, if not more than, Darien. Never doubt that." Her soft, warm lips press against mine, this time with more urgency. And my heart sings.

~end~

Songs in order are Beauty Queen/Horses, Tear In Your Hand, Caught A Lite Sneeze, Bells for Her. Tori is my muse.