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The Time For Change Is Now	By : Reika Category: +. to F > FAKE Views: 3033 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own FAKE, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 19
- 20
- 21
Disclaimer: I don�t own �em, and please don�t sue me.
A/N:
Okay�I don�t normally reply to individual reviews, but this one warranted it. (From Fanfiction.Net)
Ree: Wow! You had a lot to say, didn�t you? First of all, let me say that I�m sorry you seem so angry, but that�s not my fault. If you have to pace, or punch a wall, that sounds like a personal problem. If my story upsets you so much, why would you read all 18 chapters? I will respond to your review in sections, according to the points you made.
#1 � No, this does not need an AU. I started this story before all the manga was released in the US, and I clearly stated that I was not taking the later volumes into account. The story takes a different route than the manga ended up taking (as a lot of fanfictions do), but that does not make it an AU. I�ll give you that it�s taken some twists the manga wouldn�t have taken�but that�s why it�s fanfiction. Say it with me now � f-a-n-f-i-c-t-i-o-n. The whole point of fanfiction is to give fans interesting, diverse, and quality stories based on the manga/anime/book/movie/etc. If details and endings � and yes, some character behavior � weren�t different, there wouldn�t be fanfiction. Ultimately, my story takes place well within the FAKE universe, and therefore does not necessitate an alternate universe label.
#2 � As for the boys being out of character. If you think so, then you are entitled to that opinion. I, however, disagree with you. I�ve taken some liberties with their characters, but I like to think that I�ve only extended them, not changed them. JJ has had a complete overhaul, but let�s face it, he didn�t have much of a character in the manga. I�ve taken their characters from the manga, as I interpret them, and used what I know of human nature and emotion to build a story around it. That�s what fanfiction is.
#3 � As for Dee�s almost night with JJ, and his later night with him; I won�t address or defend that here. I�ve addressed it before, and explained my thoughts on it. We won�t ever agree, and I�m not here to argue with you.
#4 � The long distance thing? I�ll give you that it can be done. Does it work? No�not usually. I�ve been in 3 serious, long-term, long distance relationships, previous to writing this story. I carried on my marriage here while my husband was in Europe, Iraq and Afghanistan. It didn�t work out; why is no one�s business. I�m the queen of long distance relationships. I�m the last person to say they aren�t worth the effort�but I also know how very difficult it is. If you�ve heard of people, that�s great, but the long and short of it is that the way things worked out in the story is how I chose them to. Whether things had gone the way I put them, or the way you seem to think would have been best, neither is a stretch of the imagination.
#5 �

�As for Dee's new emotions for JJ... THAT is quite possibly the most unrealistic thing in the story.�

Dearest, THAT is a central focus of the story. If it irks you that much, you shouldn�t be reading this story. THAT has been apparent since the first chapter. You can�t claim I just sprung it on you. You said you don�t like love triangles. This entire story is one big, fat, love triangle. Why would you read it, then? If you disagree with it, but continue to read, it�s no one�s fault but your own if it makes you angry.

#6 � I�m not going to go into a long explanation defending the Dee/JJ angle. I don�t owe that to anyone, and I shouldn�t have to. You keep mentioning that my story doesn�t make sense. It would be one thing if you were referring to my skills as a writer; but you don�t seem to have a problem with that (Thanks for the compliment, by the way). You seem to think that it doesn�t make sense in that the characters wouldn�t do something the way I have them doing it, or react the way I have them reacting. Well, people don�t make sense. Nothing romantic I�ve ever done or felt in my life ever made sense. That�s what makes love so much fun and so painful as well. That�s what makes us beautiful.

#7 �

�As for the final chapter... What were you thinking? I don't know why you're wasting talent on things like this. If you want to change things so much that the characters are practically unrecognizable, why don't you write a proper AU, or at least label this as such? Or better yet, try original fiction. Then you can pull all the unrealistic plot twists you want.�

Thanks for the tiny, back-handed compliment. I won�t defend myself or my story against the rest of that statement. I like constructive criticism, and any advice that I can learn from and grow as a writer. This is not it.

#8 � In closing, what it sounds like is that you want everything to be just as it was in the manga. If that�s so, go read the manga. The goal of fanfiction is to shape and mold new stories out of pre-existing characters and situations. That�s what I�ve done. What would be the point if everything was the same? Why write fanfiction at all? It�s one thing to get angry because the story doesn�t seem to be going the way you want it to, but you seem to have problems with the very structure of my story, from its first chapter. What it boils down to is this � I don�t think there are any structural problems with my tale. I�m extremely proud (and blown away) by all the positive responses I�ve gotten. You just don�t like it, simply put. I appreciate the effort it took to write such a long review telling me why, but it offered no constructive criticism. To satisfy you, I would have to take the story down, or abandon it. Sorry, but that�s just not going to happen � and I won�t be changing the characterizations, labeling, or plot. This story isn�t ever going to be what you want it to be; and I�m guessing that it will continue to anger you. So, since reading it causes you problems, and your reviews are discouraging and offer no construction at all, do us both a favor, and don�t read it.

Reika

On a lighter note: WOW! I was just blown away by the response to the last chapter! To tell the truth, I was under the impression that I�d lost most of my readers. I had expected maybe a couple of reviews, but damn! Thanks guys!
Seriously�thank you all so much for sticking around and not hunting me down with pointy objects. It�s nice to see the familiar faces (Woot, Sparkle!), and it thrilled me to see the new ones, too. I�ve missed you guys; thanks for the faith in me. For all the newbies, thanks for giving me a chance; I�ll do my best to make sure you�ll be glad you did.
I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. I had some health problems (calm down � nothing life, or fic-threatening, lol)�so I�ve been down a lot, and bombarded with doctor visits. All looks okay now, so no worries.
Even though this one took a little longer to get posted, it�s longer than the last one; so I hope that makes up for it, even just a little. Also, this chapter is pretty damned heavy, and very emotional; I didn�t want to rush it. I hope you agree.
Hee hee � the new Harry Potter came out, too. I was a bit wrapped up in that, and then, of course, the theories that always come post-book.
Ooh, also on sale, NIN tickets for the DC show in November. Double WOOT. My Trent Reznor obsession (which I�ve realized is bordering on unhealthy since I had that dream where I made him drive me to find Neapolitan ice cream at 3 in the morning) freakishly coincides with my Severus Snape obsession. It also turns out I�m not the only one who sees the resemblance (seriously�google the two together). Now if I could only talk Trent into wearing those robes�.*drool*.
Thanks, as always, goes to my muse, my significant other, my Bonnie (of Bonnie and Clyde fame), my Jasmine (who I so heinously forgot to thank last chapter). Thanks for everything, babe.
Oh! ATTN! WARNINGS!!: I busted @$$ on revisions for this one, writing and re-writing�but it still hasn�t been beta-read. Sorry if anything slipped by me. Angst be here! Consider yourself warned!
Now that I�ve used up two pages babbling on, here, my lovelies, is your next chapter! Please read and review.

Chapter 19��.When We Cannot See Clearly Through The Fog
Dee didn�t have to look up to know where the sound had come from. At least broken glass wasn�t something uncommon on the street of Ryo�s neighborhood. He had no doubts that sooner or later Ryo would regret dropping one of his good glasses, though. He couldn�t say he was startled, as he�d been expecting something of that nature, or worse. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable explosion�and waited�and waited. When no sparks came, he tentatively opened his eyes. Ryo was gripping the railing again, his eyes closed as tightly as his fingers around the metal bar keeping him from falling several stories to the pavement below. Dee wasn�t sure what to say to the other man, even though he wanted Ryo to scream at him, throw something, anything to show he had heard him, and all that his statement hadn�t said. He wasn�t sure if his attempts to explain would make things worse or better, so he held his tongue and tried to be patient.
Eventually, Ryo�s grip slackened, and Dee could see the tightness of his jaw fade. He was taking slow, even breaths and exuding a calm that, quite frankly, scared the shit out of Dee. He�d been prepared to fight off harsh words (and possibly kitchen utensils), but he was completely blind-sided by Ryo�s quiet and cool demeanor. He still hadn�t gotten his bearings when Ryo burst into movement, coming toward him. Dee closed his eyes, waiting for the fallout, when Ryo swiped the other man�s wineglass off the small table Dee set it on earlier. He tossed the liquid back in one swig, pouring it in faster than he could swallow, and causing a tiny red stream to run from the corner of his mouth and down his chin. Dee watched him quietly, still uncertain of what to say, or do. When Ryo had finished his drink, he set the glass back down and gingerly wiped the wine away with the back of his hand. A slight flush blossomed across his cheeks and the pale bridge of his nose, but Dee couldn�t know if it was due to embarrassment or the alcohol. He found the pink bloom appealing, but thought better than to mention it.
The two men stood staring at one another for a long stretch, both terribly unsure of themselves. Ryo sucked his berry-stained bottom lip into his mouth several times, not quite looking Dee in the eye. After a bit, he shifted his gaze to a brick a few feet from Dee�s shoes and let his eyes go unfocused before shrugging noncommittally.
�Well�did you get it out of your system?�
Dee blinked, Ryo�s question hauling him back to reality. �Did I get what out of my system, Ryo?�
�Sex, JJ�any of it�all of it��
Dee ran a hand through is hair, frustrated. �Damnit it, Ryo. You�re not listening to me. It wasn�t a matter of getting anything out of my system. If I wanted to screw around or sow my wild oats, I would�ve done it a long time before now; and I sure as hell would�ve picked a situation that wouldn�t cause�� he waved his hands about him, nearly frantic ��all this!�
If Ryo noticed Dee�s movements, he made no mention of it, keeping his eyes glazed over and pointed firmly on the ground. �Do you love him?�
Dee sighed heavily. He couldn�t lie, but the question warranted more than a simple yes or no answer. Unfortunately, he could tell that Ryo would accept no less, and hear no more. ��Yes��
Suddenly Ryo�s eyes regained their fierce and sharp clarity that Dee had always found so striking. He found himself, not for the first time, feeling like those obsidian orbs were going to slice right through him as Ryo whipped his gaze back to him. �What are you doing here, then?�
Dee wanted to answer, long explanation though it was going to be, but before he could utter a syllable, Ryo spoke again. His voice was so cutting his tongue could have been a razor, but Dee could hear the faint quiver beneath the words that the other man was trying hard to mask. �I suppose you�re going to say you love me, too?�
Again, Dee found himself trapped in a corner, able only to give the simplest of answers to a question, and a man, that deserved so much more. �Yes.�
�Maybe we�re just not on the same page, Dee. When you love someone � when you really love someone � there isn�t room for anyone else.�
Dee looked down to where Ryo kept his hands. They were still, hanging at his sides, but the dark-haired man could see them shaking. When Ryo noticed his stare, he clenched his fists several times, trying to get his nerves under control. Dee looked straight at Ryo�s face then, and tried to speak with conviction on the things he believed, though it was hard not to comfort the other man.
�I don�t know what else to tell you, Ryo. I do love you, I always have. I probably always will. You can argue with me about it, but it�s real to me, more so than anything else ever has been. I think you know that�s true. You asked me about JJ, and I told you the truth � my truth. I�m sure you�d rather I lie, even though you�ll claim otherwise�but it�s just not in me to lie to you � I never have, and I never will. I don�t know when it happened, or how, or why, but it did.�
At Ryo�s silence, Dee continued, getting his words in while he could. �I don�t love easily, Ryo, but I love hard. You know that better than anybody. I love so hard sometimes it feels like it�ll break me, and it doesn�t just go away � not with you, and not with JJ. It�s not easy for me, either. Hell! It�s not easy for anyone! The only difference is that JJ seems to understand that and you don�t.�
Dee knew what was going to happen well before it actually occurred, but he made no move to stop Ryo as he raised his hand and brought it sharply across his former partner�s cheek.
As soon as his palm made contact with the tanned skin of Dee�s cheek, Ryo turned his back to him, rubbing his eyes in frustration and weariness. He paced the width of the balcony, talking fast and low, more to himself than to Dee.
�All of it�after everything�and it doesn�t mean anything��
Dee tried to get his attention, striding up to him and stilling his movement by placing strong hands on his shoulders. �What are you talking about?�
Ryo shrugged out of the grip, angry. �Don�t touch me! After all I�ve been through, all I�ve put myself through for you! I�ve been through Hell and back, Dee, and now it doesn�t mean anything!�
Dee grabbed Ryo�s wrist, despite the other man�s struggling, and held him there. �That�s not true, Ryo. I know this hasn�t been easy, but it�s not in vain! You�re figuring out who you are and that shouldn�t be for me; it should be for you!�
Ryo clenched his fist and looked Dee in the face. �Let go of me, Dee.�
Dee complied, and Ryo took a step back. His face was stern for a moment before it contorted into a mask of grief and hurt. Both men looked away. �I�m not a child, Dee. I understand what you�re saying. My logic knows that you�re right�but�it just hurts�and I can�t help that. It�s so easy to say those things, but it doesn�t change�� Ryo�s voice started to crack as the lump in his throat threatened his composure ��it doesn�t change how I feel.�
�How do you feel?�
Ryo clenched his fists again. �I feel like I want to break something. I want to hit you. I want to scream. I want to hit you, and find JJ and shoot him. I want to run out the front door and just keep running until I don�t have the energy to feel this way anymore. I want to hit you. I want to hit you until you feel as bad as I do, right now.�
Dee sighed, moving closer to Ryo. �Then hit me. If it�ll help, hit me.�
When Dee closed his eyes, waiting for a blow, Ryo strode away a bit, to avoid the temptation. �Do you want to know what hurts the most, Dee? That even if I hit you, or threw myself off a bridge�it wouldn�t make any difference. I feel like I�m going to die�and there�s nothing I can do about it.�
Dee knew what Ryo was talking about � a feeling of complete helplessness. The feeling of wanting so badly for reality to just be different�and knowing that there�s nothing in the world that can make it so. He wanted to help him. At that moment, Dee would have given anything in his power to make the man who had resided in the center of his world for so long stop hurting. However, he was just as helpless as Ryo, and it killed him.
�Maybe I should go, for tonight.�
Ryo shook his head. �Damnit, Dee, now you�re the one not listening! It doesn�t matter whether you�re here or not! It�s not like I can just forget when I can�t see you. There�s nothing that can make me feel any better right now, okay? Everything in me wants to hate you right now, and I can�t, and it�s all too much��
Dee nodded, understanding as well as he could, and trying to respect Ryo�s feelings. �What do you want me to do?�
Much to Dee�s surprise, Ryo laughed, but there was no mirth in the sound. �I want you to say you�re sorry. I want you to say it didn�t mean anything, and that you�ll never speak to him again. I want you to want my forgiveness.�
Dee opened his mouth to reply, but Ryo help up his hand, telling the other man he wasn�t finished. �You asked what I wanted; I know that isn�t what I�ll get. I know you�re probably not sorry. I know it wasn�t meaningless. I know you won�t cut JJ out of your life. And I know that I don�t have any right to ask you for any of those things, and it�s driving me insane. I can�t make you do or feel anything. I know it isn�t right�but it doesn�t change what I want, damnit.�
Ryo had expressed his feelings as well as he was able, but found himself getting increasingly frustrated at the English language�s complete uselessness when it came to describing the angerragebetrayalshockinsultdisapointmentgriefconfusion that had been pooling in his gut. He had sensory flashes that touched on what he was feeling � flashes of color, brief sounds and the beginnings of words slamming together in their inadequacy. It had all been compiling languidly, ever since Dee had begun his slow slide out of his life. It seemed to churn and boil every time the man was near � nothing could be stagnant around Dee Laytner � and now it threatened to spill over. It was all Ryo could do not to let the rush go, bursting the gates and drowning both himself and Dee in his ire. He wasn�t sure exactly what it was that would come out of him, since he couldn�t even put it to words in his own head�but then again�he wasn�t sure if that was due to his linguistic ineptitude, or the roar in his ears. He could feel his heartbeat in his temples, and clenched his jaw, certain the other man could see the violent thump rocking his body and making it hard for him to focus. Ryo wasn�t sure how long he stood there, stoic to anyone who looked at him, but completely volatile and volcanic inside. It might have been hours before Dee finally spoke again; it might have been only minutes � Ryo honestly couldn�t be sure.
Dee was worried about Ryo. He was prepared for Ryo�s anger and he�d been cataloguing things in his brain to say to the other man if he needed to calm him. But Ryo�s composure caught him off guard. Ryo wasn�t saying much, but when he did speak, he seemed sedate�rational, even. Dee wasn�t sure what to think; Ryo was either having some sort of Zen-like epiphany and making peace with�something�or he�d passed the line of hurt and anger. The latter notion troubled him. Ryo�s emotions might have been chaotic at times, but they lived at the core of him. If he�s shut himself off from his rage, who knew what would follow? Unsure how to handle the delicate situation, Dee dove in with some of the questions he�d been sitting on for some time�he�d never been good with delicates, in any case.
�What now? I mean�is this�is it something you can handle?�
Ryo seemed unmoved by the query. �I don�t want to talk about it, Dee.�
Dee rubbed his temples, exasperated, and feeling the emotional fatigue in his veins. �I'm not asking you to talk about it�well�no, I mean�I am. I think we should talk about it, at some point, if you can.�
Ryo�s expression did not change, though his tone carried a hint of annoyance. �Then what are you asking me?�
�I�m asking if you�ll ever be able to talk about it. I�m asking if, a year from now, tonight is going to be referred to as something like �That Which We Do Not Speak Of,� or if you�if we can deal with it.�
A pair of solid black eyes cut to green and the look clearly told Dee that Ryo found the request audacious. Even though the gaze held no affection, it relieved Dee to see it. It meant that some of the fire was still flickering in the man who had never seemed to realize just how bright and hot he burned.
�What is it with you and your impatience, these days? I have to tell you, Dee, that I don�t like the current trend. You keep coming over here and demanding answers and actions from me right now. And tonight you lay this on me. I had no idea. It�s one thing to feel like your suspicions are confirmed�and I know I�ve gotten jealous before�but I never really thought�� Ryo trailed off briefly, unsure how to finish the thought, and letting his resolve slip slightly. However, it seemed to return to him before long and he picked up where he�d left off. �So you drop this on my head � and I don�t know whether it feels more like a frying pan to the skull or a pillow being held over my face � and you want me to not only �suck it up and deal with it�, but to chat about it too? Well let me tell you something � I can�t deal with it right now�and I can�t talk about it when I can barely stand to look at you.�
The words were harsh, as they were meant to be, and they served their purpose well; Dee was stung�but he supposed that was what he got for sticking his hand in the bee-hive. His first reaction was to pull it back and lick the wound, feeling reactionary tears pricking behind his eyes. But Dee Laytner was no push-over; he knew that Ryo was being defensive, and that he was playing off any feelings of guilt Dee might have had. He doubted that this was intentional, as it just wasn�t in Ryo�s nature; but even so, Dee was not one to be manipulated.
While Dee took a moment to determine his next move, Ryo continued to react. Somewhere in his mind, he knew that everything he was about to say would seem childish in retrospect. He knew that he probably sounded as he had never, ever wanted to, and not unlike those whose domestic disputes he�d been called to help resolve as a rookie. It wasn�t hard to recall their faces, incensed and always looking old before their time. The scent of their irrationality and logic-blinding passion came back to Ryo without effort, along with his then inability to grasp how anyone could be so emotionally vexed that they would abandon their pride in the presence of a total stranger. Ryo never understood how something like a relationship could get to that point, and attributed his confusion to the notion that he simply wasn�t that type of person. If he�d had more time or available space in his head, he might have appreciated the irony of his current circumstance, and of the things he couldn�t seem to help himself from saying. But he had been deprived of both, among other things on that frigid balcony, and so he opened his cupid�s-bow mouth (after resolutely swallowing the lump that might have been his dignity) and let loose the monstrous questions assaulting him and spinning wildly in his head. He was sure they were questions he did not want the answers to; but that did not stop their piercing and relentless onslaught on the forefront of this mind. If Dee wanted him to talk about it, Ryo had plenty of things to say.
He tried very carefully to school his face into blankness�or some semblance of it, anyway. He knew that Dee could most likely read everything that he wasn�t doing; but he refused to allow that to send him twitching and flinching back into the house. He would only spend the rest of the night, and many after it, torturing himself with the very same impassable wonderings that he was about to give voice to. Still, resolving to speak and actually getting any sound out of his throat were two completely diverse tasks.
�How did it feel?� Ryo finally managed to wrangle from his frozen voice-box.
Dee looked startled by the words, and Ryo hadn�t expected anything otherwise. The first question, which felt just as much like an accusation, aided by the sudden faintly injured look that stole over Dee�s features, had clawed its way out of him. His brief struggle to keep it secured in its cage, nestled somewhere between his guilt and his rage, had not only failed spectacularly, but made it even angrier, more raw. It had torn out of him, eventually, because really, there had never been anywhere else for it to go. It left him gaping and torn and battle-ready. It was free now; and there was simply no stopping the siege that would follow.
�Was it as good as you remembered? Is JJ as good at it as he seems he might be? Did you start it? Or did he?�
Dee rushed toward Ryo, intent on shaking this nonsense out of him. These weren�t questions Ryo wanted to ask; and they clearly weren�t questions he wanted the answers to. Initially, Dee thought the queries were put forth to provoke him; Ryo must�ve said them in some attempt to get Dee to refute any pleasurable references to the event in question. Once he got close enough to really see the expression on Ryo�s face, however, he wasn�t so sure. There was something in the way Ryo fired off his questions, one after another. It wasn�t something he�d spent time calculating, searching out what he thought would sting the most. Dee couldn�t pin down exactly how he knew this; it was just something in his gut. Being a cop, and a kid from the streets before that, he�d learned to trust his instincts. They hadn�t failed him so far. He let the other man continue without interruption. This was something Ryo needed out of him. If it stung Dee in the process�which it undoubtedly would�then so be it.
Ryo�d had the barrage of vitriolic comments, or questions, or imputations (or all of these things) thick on his tongue, like poison; and although it was all he could do not to spit it out just to be free of it, he found himself abruptly thwarted. In spite of his best efforts � more effort than he�d put into anything in his life before that moment, it felt � he felt the hot sting of tears behind, around, through and all over his eyes. With this came the most unwelcome � but nevertheless unavoidable � quiver of both his lip and his voice. Ryo realized that by the time he could get everything, if he managed the task at all, he�d be nearly choking on the words. He cursed himself for it, but continued anyway.
�Was it sweet, and touching, and slow? Or hard and fast and brutal? Did he want you to touch his face and look into his eyes? Or did he want you to hold him down, and pull his hair, and bend him in half? And when you were touching and kissing and fucking him�when you were watching him watching you�did you hesitate? Did you think of me at all?�
Dee was struck more forcefully than he had anticipated. The inescapable pain and desperation in Ryo�s voice struck something deep in the core of him. He didn�t know if Ryo had truly meant to slash with his outpour, but he felt as though he too might just slip and lose his composure. Dee knew, however, that such behavior wouldn�t get them anywhere � and more importantly � wouldn�t help Ryo at all, but only serve to further confuse him, if anything. With this in mind, he kept his face deliberately neutral when he finally spoke. But he couldn�t help but hope some sliver of his feelings managed to show in his eyes.
�I don�t think�� Dee cleared his throat. ��I don�t think you really want to know any of those things.�
For a split second, something like shock flashed across Ryo�s face. It was reactionary�as though he still couldn�t completely reconcile himself with the reality of the situation. �You mean you would tell me? You�d give me the details if I wanted to know?�
Dee sighed. It was a burdensome sound. �I can�t really deny you, if you want to know. You deserve to know�if it�s what you really want. But I don�t think the details are what�s important here...and I think they�ll only hurt you, in a way that won�t ever get better. I don�t know if you�re lashing out at me, or just letting out the stuff that automatically shot into your head when you fully realized what I�d told you�or if it�s something you really and truly want to know � and I don�t think you�re sure what it is, either.�
He took a moment then, focusing his green eyes on Ryo�s black and trying with everything he had to bore into his partner and make him understand the magnitude of what he was asking. �I want you to think about this, Ryo. I want you to try, if you can, to calm down for just a minute�and think about it. Damnit�once we get into this, it isn�t something we can take back. Even if you had your way and we never spoke of it again�it isn�t something you can ever forget. Trust me, I know. I don�t know if I can�� and here his voice began to waver, ��I don�t know if I can take having you look at me and always see something else. I don�t know if you could take that, either. Please, just�� Dee trailed off. There was nothing more he could say to make his point, in any case. Any more words would only be babbling, helping tear down his increasingly fragile hold on his temper and emotions.
Dee knew Ryo well, and had a foreboding sense that all of it had passed a point of no return. His partner�s jealousy was formidable, to say the least, and he imagined that anyone would want to know, if in the same situation�even himself. That morbid, masochistic curiosity was natural, he supposed. The thought offered no comfort. With nothing more to add, and determined not to run�Dee waited as patiently as he was capable.
The suddenly oppressive silence seemed to devour all the space on and around the balcony. It made it stuffy and hard to breathe � despite being surrounded by cool, fresh air. Ryo tried to do as he�d been asked � partly because the request had come out more like a plea � but mostly because he knew Dee was right. He knew that Dee�s answers would only cause him more grief and resentment (unless, by some absurd miracle, Dee expressed nothing but his deepest remorse and intense disgust)�but the nagging, morbid curiosity still showed no signs of retreat. Curiosity wasn�t quite the name for it, Ryo realized. �Curious� implied an almost impish sense of wonder and a desire for information that was far more benign that what Ryo was going through. What he was feeling bordered more on obsession. Although he was confident that what he was asking would evoke an entirely new, and equally tormenting, set of problems for him to deal with, the current obstacle of needing to know overrode his foresight, and better judgment.
If Dee didn�t tell him, the best he could hope for would be to one day reach a point where he could get through his day without the thought of it � or uninvited and unwelcome images � crossing his mind. The height of his success would be being able to touch, or even look at, Dee without the invasion of JJ�s ghost, summoning the acrid taste of betrayal, like bile. The prospect wasn�t something Ryo looked forward to, understandably. He couldn�t presume to speculate what might be in store for their future once the leaden, unalterable words were unleashed�and that gamble frightened him. Regardless, Ryo knew he had no choice, really�not now�not at this point�not anymore. He looked at Dee with determination in his eyes, doing his best to let the other man know that he�d considered his words and refrained as well as he was able from jumping heart-first into the impulsive dramatics he had previously displayed.
�I want to know.�
That one innocuous statement felt like a sentence to Dee. He was a man of his word; he would follow through with answers to anything Ryo might want to know. Still, the feeling that what he was about to say carried with it more permanence than even he knew would not relent. This would be a defining moment for the two of them; it�s presence, and subsequent consequences, would either shine, eventually, as proof that he and Ryo could work through anything�or it would smolder forever as the disconnection that had broken them.
Somewhere along the line, Dee had made peace with the idea that this was not his fault, although it seemed that there would be little he could do about the pain and residual guilt for his handling of the situation � nor was it JJ�s. The potential impasse that he and Ryo had reached did not reside within the individual that Dee had formed a relationship with, nor within the situation as a specific, isolated event. Life was what it was; Dee had ended up where he was for whatever reasons. Whether Ryo chose to entertain the details of the night he�d made love to JJ or not, it brought them all to a cross-roads � to a moment of truth and definition � that, really, had been inevitable. This was simply the moment. The aftermath of anything that happened tonight on the balcony could, in part, testify to a possible fundamental difference between himself and Ryo. These were all realizations that Dee supposed required catalysts, dramatic though they may have been. Dee had been too love-sick for the majority of their relationship for such things as insight. And even so�he�d never been especially prone to such deep, analytical thought. He rather considered it a �moment of genius�, unique among his life-long disposition of street-smarts and calling it like it was. And as for Ryo�well�Dee harbored no doubts that all of this would have occurred (perhaps have even been obvious) to Ryo, who was far more proficient with profound thought than he was � had the man not already been caught up in a web of confusion and self-discovery.
Yes, Dee Laytner was a man of his word�but he couldn�t help wishing Ryo would reconsider. He doubted the sharp-shooter had put the proper consideration into his request, and he debated trying one more time to express just how crucial he knew such deliberations to be.
It was as if Ryo had read his mind (or maybe it was just written all over his face), because no sooner had he opened his mouth to do just that when Ryo forced a strained attempt at a comforting smile. Ryo held up his hand, successfully arresting anything Dee had been about to say.
�I�m sure.� Ryo said, simply. When Dee looked as though he might protest again, he continued. �I�ve thought about it�about all of it�and I know what I�m asking�and�and what it might mean.�
Ryo paused a moment, steeling himself, then �
�I want you to tell me.�
The stretch of total silence went on for longer than either man really knew what to do with. It was an awkward cocktail of shock, resignation�and finally�decision. Dee�s teeth released his thumb, which � until that moment when the sting of torn and irritated flesh hit him � he hadn�t been aware he�d been nearly maiming. He pinned Ryo with a severe look, and held it. When he was satisfied, he allowed his featured to soften.
�Okay.�
***************

TBC

WOW�I�m sorry again that this took soooo long. That�s going to happen sometimes (though nothing like last time, so not to worry), so please don�t fret over it. The chapters might not be immediate, but they will never be rushed�and I think that�s a fair trade.
I know there wasn�t much plot development in this chapter, but I had to get the emotional stuff out of the way�and I wanted to do it right. I didn�t want it to read like badfic, with over-the-top, but unexplained emotions, thrown in for drama�s sake alone. I know some of this might be confusing at first�but I kind of wanted it to be�because emotions are confusing, and when something like that *points up* happens, it�s not likely to make sense in your head�let alone on paper.
Welp�next chapter, there�s *plot* (I swear)�and we get to see JJ again, yay!!! He was originally supposed to be in this chapter, but it ended up longer than I anticipated, and I didn�t want to make you wait anymore. Plus�well�this chapter encompasses everything it needs to, and needed to end here. The next chapter shouldn�t take as long. I�m getting some dental work done on Monday and will be home for a bit this week � should give me some time to churn it out. The plot spinning chapters tend to flow faster than these heavy, emotional ones, anyway. This one was a doozy, let me tell you. But it was chock-full of some really complex emotions�and I really wanted to get it right.
The health stuff is looking good, so there�s nothing to worry about there, for now at least. Thanks to all of you for your concern and support!
Thanks again for the feedback (more would be greatly appreciated), and thanks for reading!
Love and Kisses,
Reika
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The Time For Change Is Now