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Only in Your Eyes Am I Worthy	By : Lucythebeast Category: +M to R > Neon Genesis Evangelion Views: 28767 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 19
- 20
- 21
Evangelion: Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy

Author�s Note: I
told you I was evil. Muahahah! Oh, and a note about
the chapter title, it comes from a Catullus poem (latin poet). The poem is:

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam,
fortasse requiris?

Nescio, sed
fieri sentio et excrucior.

It translates as: I
hate and I love. Why do I do it, perchance you might ask?

I don't know, but I
feel it happening to me and I'm burning up.

As an added note:
it seems strange that Rei had to do sync testing since
at this point her Eva was destroyed but� she had to do it in the show too, so
who am I to argue with Anno-san?

Required
Disclaimer: Still no own. Still no money. Too evil for a conscience. I think I might just have some
jelly donuts around here now, however� Enjoy and ponder on the glory of GAINAX!
And stuff.

Chapter 20: Odi et Amo:
I Hate and I Love

Shinji was
underneath one of the rarely used metal staircases in NERV, shivering and
crying. In his mind, he kept hearing his father�s words over and over again.
�You died, Shinji. You were cloned from Adam� You died, Shinji� You died,
Shinji� You died. You were cloned. You died. You DIED.�

�NOO!� The third child screamed, covering his ears
in a futile attempt to block out the voice in his head. He shook his head
violently, but it didn�t help. �How� how can I be� no wonder I�m so fucked up.�
Shinji sobbed, pulling his knees up under his chin and burying his face into
his crossed arms. He felt unnaturally cold, and he wasn�t sure why.

After what seemed
an eternity later, he felt a cool gentle touch on his shoulder. �Shinji-kun?� A gentle voice inquired.

�DON�T TOUCH ME!� The blue-eyed boy
cried, violently tearing himself away from the foreign touch.

�If
that is your desire.�
The same gentle voice stated.

�Familiar� voice.� Shinji blinked and looked up into the gentle
eyes of Ayanami Rei. �Ayanami?� He inquired, rubbing at
his tear-filled eyes because he didn�t trust them.

The first child
knelt down on her knees, resting back on her heels to look into the boy�s face.
�Have I� offended you, Shinji-kun? Am I no longer worthy of your� friendship?�

The third child let
out a strangled sigh and shook his head, tears still catching in his throat.
�No! Gomen,
Rei-chan. I� can�t think straight. I can�t
think at all.�

Rei tilted her head slightly to the side
curiously. �What is this feeling? Is this� sadness? Your father�s words were
not kind?�

Shinji took several
long deep breaths, attempting to calm down enough to think clearly and
communicate. Part of him wanted to run away, forget about being an Eva pilot,
forget about being a clone� forget that he died. But
he also desperately wanted to talk to Rei. He shook
his head, then took another deep breath and let it out slowly. �I� am not
spontaneously generating an S2 organ. I have� always had it.�

Rei fixed her gaze up at the top of the
staircase for a few moments. A moment later, the sound of footsteps receding
from the two pilots was heard, along with Ode to Joy being hummed. The
blue-haired girl almost frowned then turned her attention back to her fellow
pilot. �But that would mean� you are a clone? Like me?�

Shinji nodded and
started sobbing again.

Ayanami blinked, unsure of why the boy was so
distressed. She had grown accustomed to the information,
it didn�t bother her anymore, if it ever had to begin with. �Why do you cry,
Shinji-kun?�

Unit 01�s pilot
turned his head away from the girl sheepishly, feeling ashamed for his tears.
�It means I died, Rei-chan.�

Rei considered that. She still occasionally had
bad dreams about when Naoko Akagi strangled her
former self to death. Now she understood why he was upset. �I am sorry,
Shinji-kun.� She stated honestly.

Shinji shook his
head, turning his tear-stained gaze upon the blue-haired beauty. �It�s not your
fault, Rei-chan.�

�Yes, it is.� The
red-eyed girl admitted.

The third child
blinked in surprise, wiping the tears almost forcefully out of his eyes. �What?
I don�t understand.�

Rei was silent for a few moments in thought,
and then shook her head once. �Neither do I.�

Shinji�s eyes
narrowed slightly, a touch of suspicion creeping into his mind. �Rei-chan� do you know how I died?�

Ayanami shook her head once. �I do not.�

�And you didn�t
know I was a clone?� He pressed.

�I�� Rei paused thoughtfully, before continuing. �I did not
until you informed me.�

Shinji sighed and ran
his hands over his face, trying to clear his thoughts which were now becoming
murkier by the moment. �Do you know anything I don�t?� He kept the accusation
out of his tone, because he felt it was unjustified, despite the girl�s earlier
mysterious admission.

The first child
considered that, and was silent for several minutes. Then she formed a
hypothesis that seemed worth sharing. �I believe your death and subsequent
cloning was some time after my own.�

The third child
regarded the girl curiously. �Why do you say that? Do you remember something?�

Rei shook her head once. �No. But my S2 organ
is large, and I am missing all of my internal reproductive organs to make room
for it. Yours, however, is small, and is either incorporated into or replacing
a vestigial organ. The process seems more� refined in you.�

Shinji considered
that, but an alternate scenario came into his mind. �It�s also possible that my
S2 organ was an unexpected outcome of my cloning and when you were cloned
afterwards, they refined the process to make your S2 organ larger and more
useful.�

A touch of a smile
came to Ayanami�s lips. �You are assuming that size
matters, in this scenario.�

The third child
blushed. He could have argued that she assumed it didn�t, but he was too
embarrassed by where his thoughts went to say that. Instead, a change of
subject seemed in order, because he didn�t want to think about his death and
rebirth anymore. �Rei-chan� is it true that Nagisa is your brother?�

Rei actually seemed surprised by the abrupt
change of subject, or possibly the subject itself. �Is that what he said?� The
girl inquired, rather than answer right away.

Shinji nodded. �Hai. He said he was your older
brother.�

The first child
considered that in silence for an uncomfortably long time before responding. �I
am not sure. He did seem rather� comfortable, calling me sister, however.�

The blue-eyed boy
looked down at his hands, feeling a little self-conscious with how he must look
from all the weeping. �Ah� so it�s true that you have not met him before
yesterday?�

The red-eyed girl
nodded once. �Hai, that is true. However�� She paused
in thought.

Shinji looked up at
her in interest. �However?�

Ayanami shook her head once, expressing her
uncertainty. �I think, perhaps, he might be like us.�

Shinji�s
eyes widened in surprise. �How many people have NERV
cloned!?� �Like us? You mean� a clone?�

�I am not certain.�
Rei responded evenly.

The third child
fell silent once more for a while, but then a question came to his mind. �When
did� when did your S2 organ become active? When I first met you, you were
injured. And� you did not seem to recover any faster than a normal person.�

If the blue-haired
girl was offended by the boy implying she wasn�t normal, she didn�t show it.
�It was some time after we battled the seventh angel.�

�Oh� when we had to
synchronize?� Shinji inquired in an awed tone.

Rei remained silent.

The young Ikari fell silent again as well, until another question
came to him. �If you and I were cloned� and possibly Nagisa
as well� why couldn�t my father have cloned Suzahara?
Why is he still dead?!� Though he wouldn�t say it aloud to the soft-spoken
girl, he hated his father now more than ever. A feat he thought was impossible,
until now.

The first child
considered that, but she wasn�t sure the boy would like the answer. �Perhaps it
was because with his Eva unit irreparably damaged, his usefulness was at an
end.� When his expression became horrified, she offered an alternate
hypothesis. �Or perhaps it was because there would have been no way to explain
the reappearance of the fourth child. If it became widespread knowledge that a
deceased human could be brought back to life, body and soul, everyone would
want their loved ones returned.�

Shinji scowled and
looked away from the girl. �What�s wrong with that?� His thoughts fell to his
mother, though his father told him there had been nothing left of her to clone.
If there had been, he knew he would have done everything he
could to bring her back. After he came to that conclusion, he realized
his father likely would have as well. �So
it�s true then� there was nothing left. Mother��

Rei turned her gaze to the general location of
Commander Ikari, up in his office, as she spoke to
his son. �I do not know what is involved in the cloning process, the cost, or
the true effect it has on the clone. Perhaps� it is best if we are the only
ones.�

The young Ikari considered that. �Was
I happy, once? Was I always this lonely? This afraid?
Was Ayanami always so quiet and reserved? Was she
always this lonely, also? Perhaps� perhaps it is best.� He nodded, but couldn�t agree out loud. He wasn�t sure if
he really did agree, but he was willing to admit that without all the facts,
which he would be unlikely to ever get, he couldn�t really make that decision.

The red-eyed girl regarded
the boy curiously and inquired, �Shinji-kun? Is your heart at peace now?�

Shinji wasn�t sure
whether to laugh or cry in response. So he answered honestly. �No.�

Rei gave him a look that was almost sad. Other
than the time she was angry with him and slapped him, or when she smiled at him
after their first Eva battle together, it was the most expressive the third
child had ever seen her, and it broke his heart. �I will protect you,
Shinji-kun.� The girl reaffirmed softly.

The blue-eyed boy wasn�t
sure why she said that or why it made him feel the way it did, but he couldn�t
help but start crying again. He desperately wanted to hug her, draw comfort
from her. He wanted the peace in his soul that she gave him when she touched
him. Shinji raised his gaze up so he could look at the beautiful blue-haired
girl, and somehow she looked open, inviting. As if she would accept his embrace
and not pull away from it. But he wasn�t sure. He was deathly afraid that if he
tried to show her affection like that, it would ruin the rapport they had
developed. He was also frightened that if he allowed himself to express his
affection and care, that he would be hurt.

Rei watched him, sensing his conflicting
emotions by the changes in his body language and eyes, but she remained silent.
It would be presumptuous and rude of her to offer any comfort she had not
already given him. She also considered his earlier reaction when she touched
his shoulder, realizing that he might hate being touched.

The first child was
also confused about her own feelings. She felt like she wanted to be closer to
the boy, perhaps embracing him as she rarely did with his father. But it didn�t
feel the same way� with the commander, it was like a
child embracing her parent. With Shinji� she wanted it for another reason, but
what reason she could not identify. She also wanted something else� a kiss,
perhaps. As she had seen in the love stories that Maya-san had taken her to
see. But it would be too forward of her to try to kiss him, or even request
one, as Asuka had suggested. For the first time in
her life, she hated the rules of society and gender roles. But perhaps they
were valid? Shinji would probably think she was a� tramp if she forced herself
on him with a hug and kiss. Wouldn�t he?

So they stared at
each other in silence.

Eventually they
heard an announcement on the loudspeaker. �All pilots please report for
synchronization tests. All pilots, please report for
synchronization tests.�

Shinji wiped at his
eyes again to make sure they were dry, though they were still red and puffy. �I
suppose it�s time.�

Rei nodded, and so they left to get ready for
the testing.

*************************

Shinji was a little
surprised when he noticed there were three test plugs and four pilots waiting.
�Ah� Katsuragi-shousa? How do you want us to proceed?� The boy inquired.

�We want to see
what Pilot Nagisa can do, so he shall test in Unit
02�s plug first, and then Pilot Soryu will complete
her test afterwards.� The major�s reply came over the intercom. �You and Ayanami will test normally.�

Asuka growled in annoyance and turned to face the
observation window. �Why does he get to test in my plug?! Why
don�t you put him into one of the others?!�

�Other than the
fact that they are my orders, you mean?� Misato inquired in a commanding tone.
A moment later she continued, �Unit 00 is all but completely obliterated. It is
unlikely that it will be repaired or replaced before the next angel attack.
Unit 01 is under extreme-emergency-only lockdown. It is also unlikely that we
will receive any new Eva units before the next angel attack, and we wouldn�t be
able to configure for them until they arrive anyway. So that leaves Unit 02.�

�Then why don�t I
go first?!� The German girl retorted, haughtily placing her hand on her chest
and lifting her nose into the air as she continued her rant, �It�s already
configured for me!�

Misato looked at Ritsuko and shrugged. The doctor nodded. �I don�t see any
reason not to let her test first.�

The major nodded. �Agreed. Pilot Nagisa, stand down
until after Pilot Soryu�s sync test.�

Kaoru nodded and
leaned back against the bulkhead, casually placing his hands in his pockets and
humming. �Hai.�

The red-haired girl
smirked at getting her way and made her way to her test plug as if she were
marching in a parade.

Shinji watched her,
perplexed at her attitude. �What does it
matter who goes first?� He wondered. He glanced at Rei,
but she was already climbing into her test plug, silent as always. The boy
sighed, conflicting emotions still playing out in his mind, but he had to set
them aside for the test.

Once they were all
in their test plugs, they were lowered partially into the LCL solution to
simulate their Eva units. Soon after, their readings started coming in. �Ayanami� 59 percent. Ikari� 79 percent. Soryu�� 64 percent. Much better than last
time!� Maya reported.

Various other
reports were given by the others, indicating that everything looked good.

�That�s a good
girl� good girl.� Asuka whispered, smiling in her
test plug.

�What was that,
Pilot Soryu?� Major Katsuragi
inquired, raising an eyebrow as she looked at Unit 02�s plug.

�I said, I told you
I could do it.� The red-haired girl proclaimed louder, in a proud voice.

Dr. Akagi noticed Maya glance at Shinji�s video feed a few
times, then she�d blush a little and look back down at her readouts. Ritsuko sighed, hoping it was embarrassment at what she had
done with the boy, and that she wasn�t considering a repeat performance. �You don�t want to get involved with the Ikaris, Maya-chan. Trust me.�
The doctor mused silently.

Misato nodded.
�That�s good for today. Bring the pilots up and we�ll get Pilot Nagisa�s test underway.�

�We could wait
until we can reconfigure the test plug for Nagisa.�
Lt. Hyuga suggested.

The major shook her
head. �That�ll be done by the next time we test. We may as well get some
initial results today.�

�All pilots have
exited the test plugs. The Unit 02 plug is ready for Pilot Nagisa.�
Lt. Aoba reported.

�Resetting
harmonics for Unit 02�s plug for Pilot Nagisa�s
results.� Captain Ibuki added, looking up to see the first three pilots
shaking the excess LCL fluid off them (or simply letting it drip off in Rei�s case), and Kaoru stepping into the test plug.

�Lowering
test plug for Unit 02.�
Makoto stated.

A few moments
later, they started getting the results. �Pilot Nagisa�s
sync ratio is� 29 percent?� Maya reported, surprise in her voice.

�That�s not even
enough to get the Eva moving.� Ritsuko scoffed. �Why
did SEELE bother sending this pilot to us?�

Kaoru�s eyes opened
for a moment and he frowned. His eyes closed again and he attempted to
synchronize once more.

�Sync ration is�
dropping. 23 percent... 18 percent...� The young captain reported, shaking her
head at the results. A few moments later, she gave the final report. �Holding at 13 percent. Eva Unit 02 seems to be rejecting
Pilot Nagisa.�

Major Katsuragi shook her head in disappointment. �Even
configured for Asuka, he should still have a higher
sync ratio than that. It seems Unit 02 refuses to allow anyone else to pilot it.�

�It�ll probably be
months before a new Eva unit arrives.� Dr. Akagi
added, sipping some coffee.

�This test is a
failure. Go ahead and bring Pilot Nagisa back up. I
doubt he�ll be seeing any action.� Misato ordered.

After Kaoru exited
the plug he smiled and shook his head. �Amazing� Unit 02�s soul did not hide as
it did last time. This will make things interesting.� He murmured, too softly
for anyone else to hear. He laughed and shook his head, casting a smile towards
Rei and Shinji. �You two really are quite amazing.
But you still haven�t found your joy, so was it worth it, I wonder?�

The blue-haired
girl turned and silently walked away. If she was curious what the fifth child
was muttering to himself while looking at her, she did not show it.

Shinji blinked in
surprise, wondering why the boy seemed so happy even though his test was a
failure. �I suppose he�s relieved that he
won�t have to pilot Unit 02. I can�t blame him� I will be happy when I no
longer have to pilot Eva. Even though I will lose my purpose to exist� I�ll be
useless once again. So� maybe I�ll be sad, also. I�m so messed up.� He
debated whether to follow Ayanami, talk to Kaoru, or
follow Asuka. He glanced between the three,
indecision plaguing him.

Asuka gave the silver-haired boy a haughty smile
after hearing his poor sync test results, spun on her heel to dramatically make
her hair flutter out, and then followed Rei to the
girls� locker room to shower and change.

Kaoru shrugged, his
smile not faltering for a moment as he left the opposite way, to go to the
boys� locker room. �Coming, Shinji-kun?� He called
over his shoulder.

The third child
blushed in embarrassment, realizing he couldn�t just follow the girls into
their locker room, so his decision was made for him. He had to follow Nagisa. �H� hai.�
He willed himself not to glance up at the pretty young captain, because he knew
he�d blush, so he fixed his gaze onto the floor and walked out.

*************************

Asuka entered the girls� locker room and stripped
off her plug suit, casually tossing it into a wash bin then headed into the
showers, unsurprised to find that Rei was already
there. She took a moment to appreciate the other girl�s figure before stepping
into the spray. �It doesn�t hurt to look,
right? It�s not like it makes me a pervert like Shinji� right? It�s not like
I�m drooling all over her��

�I guess I�ll be
piloting Unit 02 after all, ne?� Asuka
stated, attempting to make pleasant conversation. She didn�t really expect the
other girl to respond, though.

Rei, as expected, remained silent as she
scrubbed her skin clean of LCL fluid.

�Nagisa didn�t seem disappointed, though. Maybe he expects
the new Eva unit to arrive before the next angel attack?� The second child
suggested, ignoring the lack of response from the other girl.

�Perhaps.� The blue-haired girl responded evenly.

�Well, at least that confirms that she�s
listening to me. See, Shinji? I can do this. I can do anything I set my mind
to!� The red-haired girl smiled and leaned into the water spray for a few
moments before running her fingers over her skin to make sure none of it was
still sticky with LCL. �Shinji looked like he had been crying. His eyes were
red and all� puffy. Is he ok?� Asuka inquired, concern in her voice.

Rei turned her red eyes towards Asuka, surprise leaking through her normally placid mask.
She was actually shocked the girl noticed, especially since most of her
attention was fixed on trying to aggravate the strangely happy Kaoru. �He will
survive. It is not my place to speak of his problems. He may� appreciate your
concern, however.�

It was the German
girl�s turn to be surprised this time. �Wow�
Rei actually communicated with me. Amazing.� �I�ll approach him cautiously
then. You know how touchy he can be.�

The first child
turned her gaze to the other girl again for a few moments before applying
shampoo to her hair. She actually didn�t know, because other than earlier that
day, she had never attempted to talk to him about such matters before. She
didn�t really understand her own feelings on the matter either, and she wasn�t
sure what to say in this situation, so she remained silent, as usual.

�So has Shinji put
the moves on you yet?� Asuka inquired, though she
knew it was highly unlikely that he had done so in the last few hours.

�He has not.� Rei replied, her tone neutral.

The second child
shrugged and ran her fingers through her hair after rinsing shampoo out to make
sure it wasn�t sticking together. �And I�ll bet you didn�t take matters into
your own hands either, am I right?�

�You are correct.� The
blue-haired girl responded softly.

The German girl
laughed softly and rubbed conditioner into her hair. �You�re probably going to
have to give him some kind of signal, you know?�

Rei was silent for several minutes then she
turned her gaze to the red-haired girl and raised an eyebrow slightly. �I did
not have to give you any signal to receive a kiss.�

Asuka blushed a little as a result of the other
girl�s observation and turned her head away so it wasn�t seen. �Yeah but that
was different. You didn�t even want a kiss from me.�

�Is that so?� The
blue hair inquired in a soft, mysterious tone, betraying nothing.

The second child
glanced towards the other pilot, unsure of how to take her question. �Well�
regardless, Shinji would never show enough backbone to kiss you on his own.�

�Perhaps.� Rei simply said.

Asuka rinsed her hair out, noticing the other
girl had done so already and was reaching to turn off the shower spray. �So
what are you going to do?�

The first child
paused in her step towards the towels to turn her gaze back towards the German
girl. She raised an eyebrow up slightly, but did not respond.

�If
Shinji doesn�t kiss you.� The second child elaborated, in case there was confusion in what
she meant by her question.

�I shall learn to
live without knowing what it is to kiss Ikari.� The
red-eyed girl replied as she picked up a towel and started drying herself off.

Asuka threw her hands up in exasperation. �You�re
hopeless!�

�Perhaps.� Rei responded
evenly.

*************************

And that�s the end of
the story. Whoa� wait� put those torches and pitchforks down! It was a joke!
Really! EEP! Next chapter, Asuka decides to spend the
night over at Ayanami�s this time, to continue the
girl-talk and attempt to convince the girl that Shinji won�t go after her on
his own, so she should give him some sort of �Come get some� signal. Whether
that works or not, I suppose you�ll have to wait and see. Meanwhile, Misato has
requested some Shinji-time while she can still get it, so that�ll be in the
next chapter as well. Maya has invoked her video-game-playtime clause that she
snuck into her contract when I wasn�t looking, so she�ll get the chapter off.
Sorry. Probably no Kaoru either� he has to consider his
options, and I doubt you�ll want to see a whole section devoted to him
tapping his fingers and staring up at the sky. So� likely there will be Gendo and/or Ritsuko filler, or
something. We�ll see what my fingers come up with. Until next time, Au revoir!
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Only in Your Eyes Am I Worthy