Poisoned Rationality

Mello paced the living room, eyes darting from socket to sideboard. He stepped over the shattered plastic and wood to feel around the window pane. He had already checked this flat for bugs a dozen times already, but suspicion lay deep. There was nowhere else to look! How was he supposed to keep himself and Matty safe, if he couldn't find the bugs? That traitor voice sounded again. Call Near. His people would find them. Mello whipped around, glaring at the wall behind him. His vision took in the shrine and fear gripped. No. It couldn't be. He fell to his knees at the horror of what he had to do, fingers clawing at his face. The Mother smiled back, forgiving him.



"No." Mello hissed, the memory of explosions going off in his mind. Glimpses over a uniformed shoulder. "Ocuvaj nas od paklenoga ognja. Ocuvaj nas od paklenoga ognja." He kissed his rosary, lifted his gun and fired at the Virgin. Gunshot peppered the wall behind her, fragments of porcelain raining down. "Ocuvaj nas od paklenoga ognja." Next door, Matt was screaming again. "Ocuvaj nas od paklenoga ognja." There was no absolution in the end. Mello smashed through the pottery and found no bugs. "0 moj Isuse, oprosti nam naše grijehe, oèuvaj nas od paklenoga ognja, dovedi u raj sve duše, osobito one kojima je najveæa potreba tvojega milosrdja." He crossed himself and it didn't feel like nearly enough.



He span around and Lawliet was standing there. Peering at him, all white face and too little sleep. His big, black eyes penetrating. Mello blinked and L was gone. Matt was kicking up in the other room. He was going to hurt himself. That thought chased all others out of his head and Mello ran for the door, pulling open the bedroom door and switching on the lights. The redhead shrieked and threw his arms over his eyes. The chains fell across his beautiful body. Mello slid down the doorjamb until he hit the floor and sat there staring into space. It was too overwhelming. Why was Matt even awake?



"Mello." Matt's beloved voice was hoarse. His face slowly reappearing as he became accustomed to the light. Green eyes that you could lose yourself in staring back at him; so much horror in that expression. "Mello, look at me." But he was. "Oh my fucking God."



"I'm going to Hell, Matty." Mello breathed. "I just shot a statue of Mother Mary." His hand came over his mouth. Images of the Apocalypse flew through his mind. It was all over. "I'm sorry I let us down."



"Mello." Matt breathed. "I need you to tell me the truth of what happened."



Mello felt the sadness descend again. The pity of it all. "You went mad, Matt. You went mad." The sentiment rose that he shouldn't be saying things like this to his gorgeous man, not without the oxytocin to counter it. He scrambled to his feet and crossed to the bed. Matt had to be protected. He had to be loved and cherished and kept safe. He could die. He could die and it would all be Mello's fault. "I'm here, Mail. I love you." He buried his face in that lovely red hair. It smelt so nice, so Matt. It had been washed only yesterday, while his lover slept in his arms. "Oh God! I love you."



"Watari." Matt said, calmly. Too calmly. "Stop now, Mello. I want to be untied."



"No!" Mello leapt back on the bed, crouching at his lover's knees. "It isn't safe, Matt. Not for you. You're safe here." He met that emerald stare and realised that he was looking at intelligence. "Oh fuck." He glanced at the clock on the television. How had time passed like that? "It's for your own good. You're getting better. Look at you healing. Not a mark on you, nearly. I love you." The redhead put his head in his hands, trembling. Mello reached out for him, hugging him tightly. "It's ok. I'm here. Trust me, Matty. I love you."



"Please." Tears formed and fell. "Please."



Matty couldn't understand. His Matty of the brilliant mind couldn't possibly wrap his head around this one. He was too damaged by the events around Kira and the memories of his past. And the drugs, added a Judas voice in his head. Mello felt the pressure crushing again, the unfairness of it all, the mantle that they had all had to bear. Too much hurt, too many dead; childhoods stolen from them. He had to plan. He had to defeat Kira and all who came after them. He had to save Matt from himself. "Don't cry, Mail. I love you." Mello kissed wherever he could reach, prising the Matt's fingers away so he could kiss his lips. Communicating all he could there of want and love, Matt responding, their faces saturated between them with tears. Mello was crushing the redhead into himself, as if he could physically make him part of himself, keep him safe that way. "It's ok." Losing himself in Matt's arms, where it really did feel like it was alright. They could keep the evils at bay. "It's ok."



The chains were digging into Mello's side and so he shifted, drawing Matt back down, kissing him fiercely. Matt's hands ran all over his back, lifting a leather-clad leg over him to encase them even closer. Green eyes just inches from his own, once Matt had broken the kiss. The whispers came. "Mihael, I trust you with my life and sanity. I trust you." A little smile. "How long have I been here, in this room?"



"Ten days." Mello flinched, knowing that this precious genius would never understand the need. "You went mad, Matt."



"I know." Such a gorgeous smile. "I understand." A deep breath. "I don't remember swallowing any sleeping pills. Are they in the water?"



"Don't talk, Mail. You're so weak." Mello realised that he was on the wrong side of the bed. All Matt would be able to see of him were the scars. He couldn't hide them in the pillow and, for a few hours, be handsome again. "Don't try to think. I've got you. Are you thirsty?"



"I'm ok." Matt stroked Mello's burned face and suddenly he felt just how much he'd missed this impossible gamer. "Ten days, eh? We must be out of sleeping pills now. Fetch me a telephone and I'll call Roger, get some more. I trust you, Mello."



A great sorrow passed through Mello's soul. Matt would tell Roger to come and untie him. He didn't understand at all that this was for his own safety. He couldn't go driving wild cars through council estates while he was safe in here. Mello struggled for the words to tell him. "I'd die for you, Matty."



"I know you would." There was a universe of calm in those emerald eyes. "I'd die for you too, but not today, eh? Can I be honest with you?"



"You can tell me anything." Mello remembered that he hadn't given his lover oxytocin for ages. Matt wouldn't be able to understand a thing.



"Right." A hand stroked the blond hair. Lips came in for a kiss. "Mihael, don't freak out or anything, ok?" Matt was holding his breath and Mello smiled at him through his tears. "I think you're right, we need help. You didn't make a mistake, you were trying to tell me. I was wrong." He reached out to kiss him. Matt carried on, speaking so softly. "But I don't think it was me who went mad." Mello's mind reeled. He struggled out from Matt's grasp and fell backwards off the bed. His back hit the wall beneath the window and it hurt, but not as much as the look in his lover's eyes. "Mello, please come back here. Please?"



In a flash, Mello remembered the scene in the other room. He yearned to have a Matt who understood again, without needing to have things explained a hundred times over. Someone to just say things to and they would be done; even things that were a little bit impossible, that he somehow found a way to do anyway. "You were so good, Matty. You were so clever. So brilliant. Why didn't you let them see it?"



"They knew, Mihael." Matt sliding to the edge of the bed, as close as his chains would allow him. "But you are even more clever. I'm content to always follow you." He smiled. "I should have listened to you. You knew. You tried to tell me in the hallway and you took us to see Roger. Remember? That was you. You could see it coming and I just laughed it off. Mihael, take us to see Roger now?"



The gunshot and the statue was haunting Mello's mind. He stared back at Matt and had to tell him. "Ocuvaj nas od paklenoga ognja."



Pain creased Matt's features. "I don't know what that means, Mello. I didn't have time to learn. I've forgotten what I learned in the library."



Mello's eyes grew wide, but, for his beautiful Matt, he would say the sacred words in English. "Save us from the fires of Hell." There was no comprehension on his lover's face. "Oh my Jesus! Forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of Hell, lead all souls to Heaven especially those who have most need of your mercy. Amen."



"Amen."