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Only in Your Eyes Am I Worthy	By : Lucythebeast Category: +M to R > Neon Genesis Evangelion Views: 28767 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Evangelion: Only In
Your Eyes Am I Worthy

Author�s Note: I
decided to make a change to my plans for this chapter. I was going to save the
Kaoru stuff for later but then I was like �You know, it�s just not going to fit
well into the regular story� I can�t just jam it in there. Girls just don�t do
that.� (And now I must duck and run from the menfolk� haha) So rather than
having some long-winded conversation where Kaoru mentions this �first time
around, second time around� etc stuff during his final confrontation with
Shinji, I decided to do it in Interlude form and then some sort of mention will
be made to him at some point, maybe. Anyway� let me know what you think.

Required
Disclaimer: Still no own. Still no money. Too evil for a conscience. I think I
might just have some jelly donuts around here now, however� Enjoy and ponder on
the glory of GAINAX! And stuff.

Chapter 21:
Interludes: Part 3 � Kaoru and the Wheel of Destiny

Part 1: The First Time Around

Kaoru wandered the
devastated city of Tokyo-3, observing the effects of the civil war between his brothers and
sisters. �So this is the end result of creation.� The angel observed, gazing
upon the destruction with an accepting gaze. He paused outside of a shop,
tilting his head as he heard a strange, beautiful sound. A smile formed on his
lips as he closed his eyes, taking in the sound of Beethoven�s �Ode to Joy�.

�Such beauty the
Lilim are capable of, wrapped in their cocoons of sorrow.� He remarked aloud in
wonder. After hearing the entire song, the fifth child continued wandering the
desolate streets. The newest pilot neared a large crater lake, created by the
destruction of Unit 00. �Little sister, this is your handiwork.� He remarked,
laughing softly.

Kaoru turned his gaze,
spotting a dark-haired boy walking away from the area of the lake on his way to
school. �Ah, I missed the young Ikari. I suppose if I hadn�t stopped to hear
that beautiful song, I might have been able to introduce myself. A pity. That
will have to wait.� He started humming the tune to the song he heard in the
shop and walked to NERV headquarters so as to introduce himself to the staff
and begin his plans.

He stayed there,
talking with the various personnel of NERV, curious why they fought with such
conviction. He was particularly impressed with the resolve of Misato Katsuragi,
for she had witnessed the Second Impact, seen the weakness of Man against the
might of the Angels, and yet still she stood in defiance, refusing to let
mankind go gently into the night.

After the sync
tests were performed, where he amazed the command and support personnel of NERV
with his amazing results, he was walking through NERV and spotted the young
Ayanami coming up an escalator towards him, so he stopped and waited for her. �Greetings,
sister.� He smiled at the blue-haired girl.

Rei stared at the
boy impassively for several moments then turned to walk away.

�Have you no kind
words for your big brother, dear sister?� Kaoru inquired, following the girl.

�I am not her.� The
first child stated in a near whisper, her gait not slowing.

The 17^th
angel smiled. �No, but you are born from her and you bear her soul.�

The red-eyed girl
paused and turned to face the fifth child. �What do you want?�

�I wish to converse
with you, dear sister.� Nagisa explained with a soft laugh.

Ayanami�s eyes
narrowed. �For what purpose?�

�You walk amongst
the Lilim, as both the Mother and Daughter, and you are even lonelier than
most. Your soul cries out in desperate pain, but you ignore it. You refuse to
reach out and connect with any of them. Why?� The newest pilot inquired,
leaning casually against the steel wall behind him.

Rei�s eyes narrowed
as she considered his words. �I do not� understand my feelings. When I have a
purpose, I am happy. When my purpose is lost, I wait for it again. Piloting Eva
helps me understand myself, but when I am not in Eva, I am� empty.�

Kaoru nodded. �Your
soul seeks to fulfill its purpose. Fascinating. Why do you not follow your
heart? It leads you to your happiness.�

The first child
followed the boy�s gaze, watching Shinji Ikari heading towards the boys� locker
room. �My heart does not lead to Ikari.�

�And that is why
your heart is empty, dear sister. It leads you to the broken void, and it shall
destroy you. A pity.� The silver-haired boy commented. �Perhaps, if he destroys
me, you shall have a second chance.�

Rei raised an
eyebrow up slightly, regarding the fifth child. �Why is Ikari so important? He
is just a boy.�

Kaoru gave the girl
a gentle smile. �As am I. But our destinies will soon collide, and to the
victor goes the spoils. Perhaps you are as unimportant to him as he is to you.
Does that frighten you? Perhaps he shall choose void, as you have done.�

�Perhaps.� The
first child responded. Without another word, she turned away from Tabris in
human form. �I shall fulfill my function, as shall you.� She deadpanned, and
then walked away.

The silver-haired
boy smiled and walked away, humming to himself.

The next morning,
he took a deep breath, greeting the sun with a smile. He made his way to NERV
again, took a few last minute looks around, and then came to stand before Unit
02. He gazed up at the red giant and nodded. �It�s time.�

Soon after
dominating the soul of Unit 02, he was using his power to make his way towards
Terminal Dogma, intent on finding and merging with Adam. A moment later he
heard a primal scream and looked up.

�NAGISA!!!� Shinji cried, using his Eva
unit to tackle its red counterpart. �I don�t understand this, you�re a human,
but you�re an angel too?!� The third child demanded.

Kaoru smiled as he
watched the two giant Evas struggle. �Ah, Ikari-san, we meet at last. It was
our fate to meet here. It is you and I who shall decide the fate of mankind.�

As Unit 01
struggled with Asuka�s Eva, the third child shook his head. �I don�t understand
what you�re talking about! I don�t want to have to kill you, but if that�s what
I have to do, I will!�

They crashed
through the last barrier into Terminal Dogma and fell into Lilith�s blood,
Shinji using the fall to position his Eva on top of the other so it took the
brunt of the damage. A moment later, his Eva�s fist closed on the 17^th
Angel. �Why!? Why are you doing this?� The young Ikari demanded.

Kaoru was surprised
at how quickly the pilot had overcome his adversary and closed in on him. He
hadn�t even had a chance to see the Father before he was caught. He glanced
upwards and saw Rei staring down at him impassively, using her own powers to
keep his in check. He laughed softly. �It was our destiny, Ikari-san. And it
seems you have won. Will you choose the Void, as Ayanami-san has, I wonder? I
wish I had gotten a chance to get to know you. It would have been nice to know
whether you are worthy or not.�

�What the hell are
you talking about?!� Shinji demanded.

�You must destroy
me if mankind is to survive, Ikari-san. Otherwise, I will destroy you all. So
choose, then.� Kaoru gave the pilot a forgiving smile.

Shinji was silent
for several long moments. �More blood on my hands for the sake of mankind.
Perhaps� now I can rest.� Without another word, his hand closed.

Soon afterwards,
Shinji was crying, both in sorrow and relief that his struggle was now over. He
stiffened when he felt a presence in front of him. He looked up and saw Rei
standing before him, with a confused look on her face. �Oh� Ayanami.�

Rei stared down at
the other pilot, curiosity in her voice as she asked, �Why do you cry, Ikari?�

�I�m� tired of it
all. But I�m relieved. I no longer have to pilot Eva. I suppose I won�t be seeing
you again.� The boy stated a little sadly.

�You have�
regrets?� Ayanami inquired. She seemed confused more than ever.

Shinji nodded. �A
lot of regrets, yes.�

The blue-haired
girl knelt down and looked into the boy�s eyes. �What is your greatest regret,
Ikari?�

The third child
sighed and glanced away for a moment before meeting her gaze again. �I� would
have liked to have gotten to know you better. I think� I think that we could
have been friends.�

Rei was silent for
a while, then nodded. �Perhaps. Maybe we shall have a second chance. Now, take
my hand, Ikari. It is time.�

Shinji blinked and
looked at the girl in confusion. �Time?� His eyes widened in fear when he
noticed her eyes were no longer red, but gold. She also seemed slightly
translucent, but also glowing with power. �What?!�

�It will not hurt,
Ikari. I promise.� Rei-Lilith stated softly, warmly in fact.

Tears fell
unchecked from Shinji�s eyes, but he felt peace settle over his soul. �I trust
you.� He reached out and took the girl�s hand. A moment later, his physical
form was shed in a burst of LCL fluid.

*************************

Part 2: The Second Time Around

Note: This time
around would be considered the events you watched on the show. So herein will
be the events you didn�t see or a different perspective on the ones you did.

Kaoru wandered the
devastated city of Tokyo-3, observing the effects of the civil war between his
brothers and sisters. �So this is the end result of creation.� The angel
observed, gazing upon the destruction with an accepting gaze. He paused outside
of a shop, tilting his head as he heard a strange, beautiful sound. A smile
formed on his lips as he closed his eyes, taking in the sound of Beethoven�s
�Ode to Joy�.

A moment later, he
blinked as memories flooded his mind. He looked towards the lake-filled crater
off in the distance and smiled. �Ah, a second chance? Amazing.� Instead of
staying near the shop to hear the entire song this time, he walked to the lake
and found a perch on a fallen statue. �This time, I shall not miss meeting you,
Ikari-san.� The silver-haired bow remarked to himself. Soon enough, the third
child stopped to observe the lake. He could feel the turmoil in the boy�s soul
and it fascinated him, making him wonder what lay beyond the cocoon of sorrow
he had wrapped around his soul. He started humming �Ode to Joy�, the sound
making the young pilot realize he was not alone. After their fateful
conversation, they made their way to NERV for the sync tests.

Afterwards, Kaoru
changed out of his plug suit and walked to the escalator where he met Rei the
first time, curious to see if she was any different this time. �You are the
first child, correct? Ayanami Rei. You are the same as I am.�

The surprise left
the girl�s eyes almost immediately and curious suspicion was its replacement.
�Identify yourself.� Rei requested.

�Nagisa Kaoru, the
fifth child.� The silver-haired boy responded.

Rei stared at the
boy silently for a few moments then started leaving, remaining silent.

�You do not remember
me, little sister?� The fifth child inquired, surprised that he remembered but
she did not.

�I do not.� The
red-eyed girl responded.

The newest pilot
smiled. �Fascinating. You are different this time.�

Ayanami paused and
turned to face him. �Explain yourself.� She requested in her normal soft voice.

�Of course.� Kaoru
nodded, casually leaning back against the wall behind him. �The last time we
met, your soul was empty. You sought the Void because you had nothing else.
This time� you care for someone.�

Rei regarded the
boy thoughtfully, a vague memory playing at the edge of her consciousness.
Somehow, his words made sense. �Ikari.�

�He does seem to be
the center of it.� The fifth child stated with amusement.

Ayanami considered
that silently. �Ikari does? He is� in my heart, but I do not understand why.�

Kaoru nodded. �I
simply must speak with him this time, then. But tell me, little sister, why
does your soul not reach out for his? You have touched, yet your heart does not
cry out for his.�

Rei turned away
from the silver-haired boy before replying. �Because we have no future. Perhaps
if things were different�� She trailed off, a touch of regret in her voice, and
then walked away silently.

The fifth child
sighed. �You may get another chance, but I think things will end differently
this time, little sister. I am sorry.� He made his way towards the baths,
remembering Shinji had gone that way last time, so he figured he would likely
run into him there. A bulkhead opened and he smiled at finding the third child
sitting on a bench, listening to music. The loneliness still cried out from his
soul, but a yearning was present as well. �Hello. You weren�t waiting here for
me, were you?� Kaoru inquired, amusement in his voice.

�No, well, not
really waiting anyway.� Shinji replied, blushing in embarrassment.

And so Kaoru was
able to spend a good deal of time conversing with the enigmatic Ikari, and
quickly realized how beautiful the boy�s soul was, and how delicate his heart.
�It is too bad that you and Little Sister
never had a chance to pursue your happiness, Shinji-kun. I see why she loves
you.� He thought to himself.

The next day, it
was time to meet his destiny once more. �It is time! Let us go, Adam�s dark
shadow, servant of the Lilim!�

As he was making
his way towards Terminal Dogma, he glanced upwards, remembering that the last
time, Shinji had caught up to him already by this time. �Shinji-kun� you are
late.� The 17^th angel murmured, curious why that event was different
this time.

After they
penetrated Terminal Dogma, Kaoru noticed that the third child landed on the
bottom this time, and still struggled with Unit 02, distracted due to his
conflict and anger over the fifth child�s betrayal. He turned without a word
and made his way towards Adam and floated in front of it. �Adam� that from
which we came. Must one who is born of Adam return to Adam, even though it will
destroy Man?� Realization dawned on him as he realized he was not looking upon
Adam, but Lilith, with a mask covering her face. �Wait� this isn�t� I
understand now! The Lilim! Lilith!� �We
are brothers and sisters with mankind as well� amazing. The hope that spurred
Man to defeating my brethren is worthy to survive. Shinji� you are worthy most
of all, you who have found your way into Little Sister�s heart.� He turned
to face Shinji, ready to accept his fate. He was at peace, even as his body was
crushed and his soul freed once more.

That evening,
Misato returned home after attempting to console the young Ikari for ending
Kaoru�s life. He was sitting in the same place where he had met the angel for
the first time. Tears fell from his eyes as he stared into the waters filling
the hole where his Ayanami had died.

Shinji blinked a
few times and looked up, somewhat surprised, even through his grief, at seeing
Rei standing beside him silently. �Oh� Ayanami. Hello.� He offered weakly.

She stared down at
him. �Why do you cry, Ikari?� She inquired softly.

�Kaoru� he didn�t
deserve to die. He was� so much better than I.� The third child explained,
looking back towards the waters.

The first child
knelt down on the ground next to him, looking out where her former self had
died. �Is that your greatest regret, Ikari?� She asked.

Shinji sighed. He
wanted to say yes, but he would be lying. He had cared for Kaoru very much. He
saw a beauty in the angel�s soul that he wished he could have saved. But, he
did not love the angel as he had loved another. �No.� He replied simply.

The blue-haired
girl turned her head to regard the boy silently, her curiosity piqued. �What is
your greatest regret, Ikari?�

The third child
blushed, unsure if he could tell her. �It might upset you.�

The girl blinked.
�Please tell me, Ikari.� She requested politely.

Shinji stared down at
his hands, feeling sheepish. �I regret� that I was unable to save you. When you
detonated your Eva to save my life. You are her� but you are not her. It�s all
very confusing. I� never connected with you in the same way I did with her. I�m
sorry. I don�t know why I�m telling you this.

Rei was silent for
a while before responding. �I asked you to and you were honest. Thank you. I
regret that as well, I would have liked to have� had a future with you.�

The third child
turned his gaze back to the blue-haired angel, confusion coming over his
expression. �I don�t understand.�

�Perhaps� we shall
have another chance. It is time.� Rei-Lilith gave the boy a gentle loving
smile.

Shinji was shocked
numb. �Rei� your eyes.� He stared into the golden orbs, apprehension worming
through his guts.

�Take my hand,
Shinji-kun. It will not hurt, I promise.� Rei-Lilith requested gently, holding
out her hand.

Tears fell
unchecked from Shinji�s eyes as regrets burned in his heart, but he felt peace
settle over his soul. �I trust you.� He reached out and took the girl�s hand. A
moment later, his physical form was shed in a burst of LCL fluid.

*************************

Part 3: The Third Turn of the Wheel

Kaoru stared up at
Rei�s apartment, memories of the prior two realities already having come to his
mind. He felt this time things were drastically different than the previous two
times, which had been relatively similar, except for what was in Rei and
Shinji�s hearts. There was something about Rei that was making this happen, and
he had to know what. He knew she was brethren, but he did not understand that
connection completely.

So when he had her
distracted, he pressed his fingers past the girl�s pale skin and touched her S2
organ. Immediately he knew her� Lilith. �Of
course! Who else would have had the cause these changes?� He also sensed it
in her� the love for Shinji Ikari, much stronger this time. �They have connected. This is glorious! And
yet� still their hearts do not rush towards each other! Will they never learn?�

Learning this truth
was worth the pain that the girl�s anger resulted in as she lashed out with her
power on instinct. �I suppose I deserved
that for intruding on her as I did. But she will understand someday, I hope.�

Later, when he was
spending time with Shinji, he was amazed at how different he seemed this time.
Happier in a way, though the shroud of sorrow and loneliness still hung over
his soul. It broke the angel�s heart, but he had hope for the boy.

Even later still,
as he was contemplating Eva Unit 02, he sensed that something was different
about it this time, but he wasn�t sure yet what it was. He was just about to
walk away when Asuka walked up and stared up at the Eva in a daze, lost in her
own thoughts. Kaoru smiled, happy that this time he would get a chance to get
to know the second child, as the previous two times they had never even met. He
found her passion fascinating, but the shroud of sorrow and loneliness seemed
to strangle her soul. Perhaps she was happier than she had been in the previous
two realities, but it was barely a step up. He tried to share some insight with
the girl, hoping to spark� something in her, some hope perhaps, but all it
really seemed to serve to do was anger her. Still, it was very much worth it.

Later that day,
during the sync test, it became apparent. After he left with Shinji, his
thoughts turned to Unit 02. �Kyoko� you
are not hiding this time. Your daughter�s strength has returned, and so then,
has your own? I see that you will not allow me to dominate you for a third
time.�

After the boy left
the showers to return home again, he returned to the room NERV had given him.
�It seems fair that I give Shinji-kun and my dear sister some time to figure
things out. Or, perhaps I will find the true Adam this time? Perhaps fate is
giving me these extra chances,
instead of those two? One cannot deny one�s fate, only delay it. We shall see
how things play out then. Good luck, dear sister. Perhaps you shall find your
happiness at last.�

Kaoru stretched out
on his bed and hummed softly to himself.

*************************

Next chapter: This
time for sure, Asuka decides to spend the night over at Ayanami�s this time, to
continue the girl-talk and attempt to convince the girl that Shinji won�t go
after her on his own, so she should give him some sort of �Come get some�
signal. Whether that works or not, I suppose you�ll have to wait and see.
Meanwhile, Misato has requested some Shinji-time while she can still get it, so
that�ll be in the next chapter as well. Maya has invoked her video-game-playtime
clause that she snuck into her contract when I wasn�t looking, so she�ll still
get the chapter off. Sorry. Definitely no Kaoru, he�s turning the spotlight
over to those other wacky pilots for now. There might still be some Gendo
and/or Ritsuko filler, or something. We�ll see what my fingers come up with. So
until next time, adios!
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Only in Your Eyes Am I Worthy