Choices

AN: See I told you I would update quick for you guys! (and though it stats it in the chapter, there has been around a week since Matt woke up, so time skip!)

And I just counted up the amount of words Choices is (without the stupid AN’s) and it’s over 105,000 words. *falls over* no wonder it ATE my muse!

Suggested Listening: Not Enough by Lacuna Coil (I am in luff with this song! Lyrics are rather interesting too...)

Chapter Nineteen: Near

He stared at the doctor incredulously. They wanted him to do his PT in a pool? He didn't know Wammys had a pool... did Wammys have a pool? Or were they going to stick him in some tank and have him swim in place for an hour. God that would be boring...

"Are you sure I can't just do my daily walks outside? I go out there at least twice a day for a cigarette..." Matt didn't really like the idea of having to swim in a pool. Hell, he couldn't even remember if he knew how to swim. Knowledge like that would have been helpful to have.

The doctor frowned at him as his eyes drifted back up from his clipboard. “You know you shouldn't smoke, it causes all kinds of problems-”

“Look, I already know the risks and telling me about them and showing me pictures isn't going to make me want to stop.” Matt said as clearly as possible, so that maybe the doctor would get it and leave him alone about it.

He didn't know when he started to smoke, but he damn well knew the risks.

“Hey Matt. Are you done being poked and prodded for the day?” Matt looked over the doctor’s shoulder and noted the blond hair that quickly moved passed him. He grinned.

“I think so.” Mello always seemed to know when he got too irritated with the doctors and nurses to deal with them anymore. If it wasn't about how he smoked, it was about how little he ate, or how he didn't sleep all that much.

Had they considered the fact that maybe being in the infirmary was the cause of the last two?

“I suppose you are free to do as you wish. Though you should really think about quitting.” the doctor frowned again before he left the room. Matt rolled his eyes and turned to Mello who held a smile.

“About your smoking again?” Mello's tone was only slightly amused, as something darker also lingered. Mello had made it quite clear, and had apparently done so before, that he hated the fact that Matt smoked. But he also explained that he wouldn't bug him about it too much.

“It was my fault for bringing it up.” he shrugged a shoulder and was able to get up on his own. His muscles were weak, but had apparently been in very good shape beforehand so they hadn't gotten too bad. Though it would still take some time for them to strengthen up.

“You brought it up? That's new.” Mello's eyebrow was raised, obviously confused as to why he would bring the lecture upon himself. Really, it wasn't as though he'd wanted the man to start to drone on and on about all the awful ways he could die...

“He wanted to put me in Aquatic Therapy and I may have said something about getting more exercise while going out to smoke.” he mumbled while he walked over to Mello.

“We have a pool?” Mello asked while, with every step Matt took towards him, took one back.

“That’s what I thought.” he mumbled softly.

It was something they had taken to doing. It helped them see how much progress he was making. It had only been a week, so it wasn’t all that much. Some days he could only make it halfway across the room before he needed to rest.

It wasn't even that he was tired, as much as his body just couldn't support his weight any more. But it wasn't getting worse, so he supposed that was something good at least.

He'd 'slept' for five months and the doctors wondered why he wasn't able to sleep, besides the rock hard bed...

“Done.” he muttered and Mello moved the wheelchair over to him. He still hated having to use it, but knew there was no way around it. Mello wheeled him from the room and took a right instead of a left which had him confused.

“Where are we going?” he asked, and tilted his head to peer up at the blonde. The main doors were the other way...

“I'm taking you to our room.”

Matt was more than a little surprised as he'd been stuck in the infirmary since he woke just over a week ago. He swore they had been trying to keep him there indefinitely.

“L talked to the doctor about it and got him to reconsider your elongated stay there as your sleeping and eating habits seemed to have taken a nose dive. That was just under three days ago, the doctor just OK'd it this morning.”

“I can finally get a good nights sleep now that I don't have to sleep on a plank!”

Mello laughed and looked down at him, blonde hair falling into his eyes though they were still visible. “Yeah, those beds are hard. I think sleeping on the floor would have been better.”

It was only at times like that, when Mello mentioned it, that Matt remembered the blonde had been in the infirmary too. Though he had gotten out before him...

“I think it's this hallway, I actually haven't taken much time to explore the place. It's mostly the same, but one of the changes is the addition of more rooms. There are now three hallways worth on the second floor and two on the first. And I guess we have a pool too.” Mello told him, though the last part was more out of amusement.

“Wait, I know you haven't been sleeping in the infirmary, so why don't you know where your own room is? Am I missing something?” Matt asked. Were they in separate rooms then? No, that wasn't right as Mello had said 'our room'.

So then...what?

“I'm just moving into this one today myself. I was on the second floor before, but I always used the other staircase.” Mello shrugged a shoulder and Matt was forced to look straight again as his neck had started to cramp up.

“It was the only way for us to stay roommates. I would have been stuck with someone else had I stayed in the other room since you won't be able to handle the stairs yet.” Mello added after a moment.

Wow.

Mello had just willingly uprooted himself to stay his roommate?

“You spend too much time with me anyway...” he told Mello, with a grin.

He heard Mello's small, but amused, laugh as they stopped in front of a room. Mello leaned over him and turned the doorknob and let it swing inward. “The room is set up the same way, though there was the option for improvements.”

Mello shut the door and left him seated in the middle of the room, which Matt didn't mind as he could get himself out of the chair. Besides, he'd been seated the entire walk over there, he'd be more than able to walk around the room a little.

“Why keep it the same? We could have had better wallpaper.” Matt gestured to the off-white strips with the light blue border.

“It's better for your memory if things are mostly the same in your surroundings. Sometimes it jogs your memory, so to speak.” Mello answered with a shrug. Matt stared at the blonde's back with a frown.

Just how the hell had he gotten such a good friend?

From what he'd heard he was, or had been, only third, played games all day, was lazy, smoked and was a 'sarcastic bastard' as someone had so blatantly told him. Didn't sound like many redeeming qualities to him.

Then again, he thought as Mello snapped off one last piece of chocolate and threw the wrapper to the floor, maybe that was why they'd gotten along?

Who else could stand chocolate wrappers everywhere, and he’d had never had the cleanest room before Wammys.

Matt stopped, halfway out of the chair, and blinked. Before Wammys? Where had that come from? No one knew much of anything from his time with Light, with the exception of what he'd told L before the accident. But in none of it had the state of his previous room come into the conversation.

That was good right?

Well... it couldn't be bad....

“Matt...Are you ok?”

Matt turned his attention back to Mello, as the blonde had sounded... worried? Or was it more confused?

“What?” he let go of the chair and stretched slightly, though careful not to throw himself off balance. He was still working on that. Maybe he would look up exercises he could do that would help.

He could ask the doctor... but he would probably come up with the one out of ten choices he didn't like, and then insist it was the only one that would work. That guy just didn't seem to like him very much. It wasn't his fault the guy had a thing against everything Matt did...

“You kind of spaced out, I guess..” Mello sounded a little uncertain as he said that. Matt wondered if things like that would be frequent with him. If he would 'space out' over the slightest bit of information returning.

If so, Matt had a feeling it would be a very long recovery...

“Oh, I was just thinking. Nothing to worry about.” he didn't bother to tell Mello the real reason, though the blonde did look suspiciously at him, as he didn't want to give Mello too much hope in him recovering his memories.

Yeah he had remembered something, but it was something small and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. And who was to say that he would be able to recover anything of any real importance?

Unless he remembered something big he would keep any memories that returned to himself.

He had other things to think about at any rate. Like the odd fluttery sensation in his chest. Matt would liken it to the way someone felt about someone they cared about, like a crush.

Or something more...

But to Matt's knowledge, he wasn't involved with anyone. And no one had said anything... unless they wanted him to remember on his own? But that didn't make any sense... maybe they didn't know about it?

Another thing he would keep to himself for the moment. He could always ask L if he got a moment alone with the detective, without Mello with him. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate everything the blonde had done for the past week, but it wasn't something he really wanted Mello to be around for when he asked about it.

He couldn't even explain it.

“Matt.” he turned to Mello, as his gaze had drifted to his side of the room where he supposed things should have looked familiar to him, even if only a small bit.

“Here, I’d tell you to catch but I have a feeling you'd drop it.” Mello said with a smirk as he handed him a slim black PSP. He couldn't remember having played one before, but the familiar excitement that bubbled in his chest at the sight spoke volumes.

“It has some game called Kingdom Clubs or something in it...” Mello sounded unsure for a moment, and Matt knew the reason why and tried not to laugh. He knew of the game, or at least the original from the PS2, Mello had butchered the name of.

Kingdom Hearts...

“Why do you look like you're about to laugh?” Mello asked with narrowed eyes. Matt bit his lip though a wide grin broke out despite his rather feeble attempt to keep it at bay.

“No reason really. I'm just excited to be playing something?” Matt hadn't meant for the last portion to come out as a question, though it didn't seem like Mello had caught it.

“You're lying. But I have a feeling I’m better off not knowing this time. Anyway, if you don't like that game-” Mello eyed him with annoyance as Matt bit back a laugh “there are a few more inside your desk.”

“Thanks Mello.” Matt said while he turned the handheld on. He sat down, backwards, on the desk chair and leaned foreword as he started ‘Birth by Sleep’. Matt thought the title oddly fitted the situation, and doubted Mello had even properly looked at the entire title.

He felt Mello watch him, but wasn't concerned as he soon lost himself in a world with keyblades and elixirs.

“Matt, seriously. It time to eat!” Mello whined at him a while later.

It turned out to be a long while later, as the sun had disappeared form the sky and the rooms lights were on instead of the natural sunlight. Matt slowly lifted his gaze from the screen and focused it on the blonde, who hung upside down and halfway off his bed as he stared at him; his hair fell down into sharp points that nearly touched the floor, though it was mostly due to the fact that Mello was about to fall off the bed.

Matt found his eyes instinctively slide across his friend’s slim frame and latch onto the exposed skin of his stomach. He tore his eyes away, more than a little disturbed to have been ogling at the blonde.

“OK. Let me just save the game...” he returned to the game, which he apparently had the foresight to pause, and after he had saved it exited to the title menu and shut the PSP off.

Matt stood, which in turn let Mello know he was ready to leave, despite not having that much of an appetite. Though he would have to eat, he was sure of it, as Mello wasn't above shoving the food into his mouth.

He snickered softly at the 'ow!' that followed a harsh thud as Mello fell to the floor in his haste to get up.

He didn't know how far away the dining hall was, but doubted he would be able to walk all the way there. He sighed as he sat himself in the chair. Perhaps other people wouldn't mind the help, but Matt just wanted to be able to do things on his own.

Though having not eaten much in the passed few days probably hadn't helped his progress in the least... he blamed the slop they served in the infirmary as food.

Mello glared at him, after he had righted himself and stood, as he wheeled him from the room; Matt couldn't help the grin that formed. He was glad, even if he couldn't remember, that Mello was his friend. He was an almost endless source of entertainment.

They weren't late, or so Mello had told him, despite only a few children entering through the large oak wood doors. “Stop.” he muttered before Mello could wheel him any closer to the door. He felt Mello's stare as he hoisted himself from the confines of the chair and onto unsteady legs.

He wondered if his legs would ever stop shaking.

“I'd rather walk while I’m in there.” he told Mello.

Mello merely shrugged and pushed the chair to the side and out of the way, though easily accessible for their exit. Mello entered through the doors before Matt, and held them open as he walked inside; and though Matt knew the blonde could have easily been on his way to the buffet style food tables, he walked slowly beside him.

He doubted Mello would do that for anyone else, at least not willingly.

Matt picked up a plate and trusted his legs enough to go about and gather what he wanted to eat before he followed Mello to a table, though he almost collided with Mello's back as the blonde had stopped short, eyes narrowed, after he noticed the small albino child that was seated there.

“What the hell are you doing at my table?!” Mello growled at the boy. Dark eyes flickered up to Mello and despite how young the boy looked there was a sharp intelligence that gleamed in his eyes.

“The table belongs to no one, Mello.” the boy commented slowly as though he spoke to someone younger than himself, and far less intelligent.

“You know damn well you don't sit here on a normal basis! Quit with the damn stalker act and leave.” Mello snarled and Matt had a feeling that a fight was about to erupt, and though he felt the albino probably deserved it, he didn't want Mello to get into trouble.

“Let's just sit, my legs are tired.” he said calmly as he sat down across from the other boy and watched with some form of amusement as all the fight drained from the blonde and he muttered something unintelligible as he sat.

Huh. Maybe he should try that more often.

He was a little surprised as the boy unseated himself and moved his things to their side of the table and sat down beside him. Mello was not pleased, if the bending of the spoon was anything to go by.

There had been a noticeably hostile vibe from Mello the moment he'd spotted the boy at what Mello had called his 'usual' table, and that was before their argument. And from what Mello had said it was almost as though the boy had known Matt were to be there.

Mello had called him a stalker. Was there some truth to that?

Matt sighed and frowned at the albino boy that sat to his left, as Mello had seated himself on his right. He stared at him from behind the goggles, more than thankful to have them, though he wasn't surprised when the boy's blank eyes swirled up to met his gaze.

Far...?

No, that wasn't it. What was it...?

“Near.” he spoke before he could stop himself.

He broke his and Near's staring contest at the rather vicious stab of a fork to his right. Mello had a potato smashed underneath the flat side of the fork and while his expression was closed off, blank; he was obviously angry.

And Matt knew why. Because he had remembered Near's name, and not his. But that was all; nothing more came to mind about the boy other than his name. Matt still held no real recognition when he looked at the boy.

Hell if it hadn’t' been for his slip of the tongue Mello wouldn't have even known…

He honestly hadn't meant for that to happen.

“Mello, it's just the name.” he commented softly, though he doubted Near had missed it. Mello stilled in his movements of mutilating his food but still for the most part ignored him. Matt sighed and moved to push his plate away, there was no way he was going to eat now.

“Don't even think about it.” Mello's voice was stern and Matt's hand paused at the edge of his dish. Mello apparently wasn't going to let him get away with not eating. Reluctantly, as his slip up had more than effectively killed his appetite, he picked up his abandoned fork.

The rest of dinner was silent and rather tense, and Matt had to wonder if it would only get worse as the night wore on. He was still unsteady on his legs, but he hadn't even gotten tired on his way back to the chair, instead it was the rest of him that was exhausted.

He hated having to deal with emotions. They were problematic and mostly just drained energy.

Once back in the room Mello left the chair off to the side and flopped onto his bed and pulled out a chocolate bar, though it didn't really appear that he enjoyed it very much; it was a common brand that even Matt knew.

Hershey’s.

It felt odd to see him eat that, but for what reason he couldn't fathom. He wanted a cigarette, but knew that Mello wouldn’t help him at the moment, and he wasn't entirely sure if he could walk that far on his own...

But there was only one way to find out. Besides, he could always take frequent breaks in getting there, right?

Mello, though rather despondent towards him, followed his movements with sharp eyes and Matt could feel the question in the blondes gaze as he reached the door.

“I'm going out for a smoke.” he pulled the door open and patted himself to make sure he actually had both a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on him.

“Can't you give me some peace for a few minutes?” the blonde snapped and Matt felt something clench at his chest. It hurt when the blonde was angry at him.

“I wasn't going to ask you to come.” he muttered and made to continue on out the door. “Wait!” Mello called to him, he poked his head around the door frame to look at him.

“Just keep the damn window open.” Mello muttered, his face turned away from him. His eyes widened, Mello would let him smoke in the room?

Despite the fact that he would probably get in trouble for doing so, by Roger at the very least, he moved over to the window and opened it a good deal before he lit up. He took a long drag and held it in until it burned.

He didn't know, as he glanced at the blonde, if he should be angry at him or not. He knew Mello was upset about the 'Near' incident, which incidentally was sort of Matt's own fault, but Mello needed to get over the fact that he couldn't remember him.

Maybe he would get his memories back, he really hoped so, but if he didn't he wasn't sure he would be able to deal with Mello should he continue to get irritated over every little thing he remembered that wasn't him.

Though it could have also been the fact that it was Near, of all people, he remembered something on, as he seemed to hate the boy. Even if it was only a name.

He sighed softly, things always seemed to become complicated with him. When would everything just stop, and be normal?

Was there even such a thing in his life?

Had there ever been?

Matt leaned his head against the wall and breathed out smoky air.

He just couldn't remember.

He felt as though he were missing a part of himself, like he wasn't even whole. He wasn't even sure if he was acting like he used to. However that was. He only been told some of his likes, as it seemed not even Mello really knew him.

When would things just… end?

-End Near-

AN: Yeah...... the part with the games..... I just had too. Can't you see Mello totally messing the name up? *snickers*

And yeah, we have finally have Matt started to get frustrated with his situation. But really, who wouldn't? I forget stuff all the time (I think it has to do with the time I slipped on ice and like KO'd a part of my skull, seriously I had a mushy spot on the back of my head for like over a year, never had it checked either... hehe), and its only small stuff, so I could only imagine how forgetting large portions, if not all, of my life would drive me crazy.)