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Hakkai's Secret	By : TsuzukiM Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > AU - Alternate Universe Views: 3026 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki, know the author, or make and money off this story. I do not own any of the characters except the ones I create.

Chapter List
- 20
- 21
I am soooo sorry it took so long to post this!

Chapter 21 Youkai

Hakkai woke up in a bed. He woke up so suddenly he sat bolt upright with a cry, as if from a nightmare. There had been no nightmare; he’d been dreaming of Kanan again. The last thing he remembered was vicious beasts with big fangs trying to kill him, and that memory had flooded into his dreaming awareness and awoken him.

Hakkai scanned his surroundings. He was back in the caravan, in one of the passenger suites. It was night and the caravan was moving. He could see the moon beaming down in through the window. Occasionally, the light would flicker when the moon was obscured by a particularly high buttress on the other side of the canyon, or a branch of scrub brush.

The room was otherwise dark. However, Hakkai could see the room as clearly as if it were lit by flood lamps. He could see that it was dark. Shadows were everywhere, but they only existed to him as slight variations of gray and they had no effect on the clarity of his sight, except for the lack of color. His night time vision was so well adapted to light colors appeared muted to him in his demon form. In total darkness, his world would be totally colorless. He figured it was why youkai favored such rich, bright hues

Hakkai brought one clawed hand up to his forehead. Even to himself he felt feverish. His skin was moistened by a light sheen of perspiration. His head hurt.

He took stock of himself. He had wounds, but they were bandaged. Someone had treated him while he was still unconscious. The child in his belly felt normal, healthy and untouched. Hakkai sighed with relief to find him so. He had no clear memory past the moment he removed his limiters. The world had turned into a bloodbath blur after that. The only clear recollections he’d had were the unsavory, satisfying sensations of the katana slicing through ethereal flesh and guts. He’d lost all his ability to suppress the joy of battle in those moments, and he was sure he’d been in a state of mad happy hysteria. It must have been some job, cleaning the gore from his unconscious body. He didn’t remember anything after the retreat of the Obake. He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten where he was.

“I thought I was going to wake up in hell, again,” he murmured to himself. But he just kept on living. Hakkai himself was always amazed when he just kept on being alive after everything he kept going through.

He touched his ear and found it long and pointed. He ran his hand up into his hair. He looked over his arms, amazed by the ivy birthmarks entwining his limbs. When he concentrated on them, he could make them move. They always moved, slowly across his skin but he’d never worn them long enough to notice.

He was mostly undressed. His back was an agony where one of the beasts had clawed him. Bandages were wound around his chest. One arm and one leg had wrappings. Otherwise, he was pretty uniformly covered in all kinds of scratches, cuts and abrasions. Most of them were already well on their way to healed. Hakkai’s body mended so much faster in this form.

He tried to reach around to touch the bandages at his back and only succeeded in reopening the scabs that had formed. When he looked at the bed where he had laid, he could see the presence of staining even if he couldn’t see the color of it. The blood had soaked through the bandaging and into the sheets.

The feeling of pent up nervous energy that had plagued him on and off since before he boarded the transport was mostly gone. In its place was a sensation of current, like a stream of it passed through his body all the time. It was most peculiar and Hakkai didn’t know what it meant. It was easier to deal with than the build up, and Hakkai deduced that the limiters had been interrupting the flow, causing him to charge up like a over full battery.

When he had removed them, the built up energy had poured forth from him, like a dam rupturing. He’d poured every bit of that energy through the katana mercilessly into his opponents.

Hakkai spotted Hakuryuu, perched on the foot board of the bed. The little dragon watched him intently. Shinji lay asleep beside him. He reached over to touch the boy but pulled back when he saw his own clawed and ivy covered hand. He looked at it stupidly. His injured back and his lost limiters were the only evidence that it had not all been a dream.

Slowly, Hakkai pulled himself out of the bed. With aching, protesting muscles, he stumbled over to the bathroom (they had put him in a really good room with its own) and peed for an excessive amount of time. He vaguely noted that that meant he’d been out for a long time, and he had to wonder if he’d been out for hours or days. Then he sucked water from the faucet. He splashed it over his face and hair and then looked in the mirror.

A demon stared back at him. The long tapered ears seemed unnatural on the sides of his head. His eyes were now mismatched- the fake one was still human but his natural eye took on the night time pupil of a cat. His vision was different depending on which one he looked out. The fake eye didn’t truly see for him, but only really gave him some form of depth perception and some sight. The monocle helped, but that was gone now too. He almost punched the mirror out again, but managed to refrain. Seeing his face like that reminded him of the vile thing he had become.

“Kanan,” he murmured, and felt her finger tips ghost past the back of his neck, “Can you love me like this? I don’t know how long it will be before I can procure new limiters.”

When he emerged from the bathroom, Shinji was sitting up looking at him. He yawned and stretched and Hakkai stared at him.

“You shouldn’t be moving around. They told me not to let you,” he said tiredly.

Hakkai eyed him. He slid back to the bed and dropped onto it, wincing as motion the erupted his wounds. He couldn’t really lie on his stomach, and his back was hamburger so he tried to be comfortable on his side.

“Where are my limiters?” he asked of the boy.

“Out in the desert somewhere,” Shinji said. “I saw you fight them- you were awesome!”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?”

“No,” Shinji said.

“Why not? Everyone becomes afraid of me when they see me like that.” Hakkai was speaking into a pillow.

“Not you, you promised you’d be my friend.”

“Huh,” Hakkai huffed. “How did we get in here?”

“After you killed a bunch more obake, the rest ran away. Then you collapsed and the crew brought you in. They said to ring them when you woke up.”

“Please don’t, Shin-chan. I don’t want to see anybody now.”

Shinji squirmed over and ran his fingers into Hakkai’s hair. “Okay,” he said, “Are you okay? Does it hurt?’

“Hai, it hurts.”

“Why don’t you heal yourself?”

“It doesn’t work that way- I can only heal other people.”

“You saved my life again, Kai-san.”

Hakkai turned his head to look at him. Shinji just didn’t seem to make the connection that Hakkai had been responsible for the whole mess in the first place. Hearing Shinji thank him for it only caused Hakkai pain. He managed a weak smile anyway. “Okay, Shin-chan.”

When morning broke, there was a knock at the door. One of the crew members came in after Shinji answered the call. Hakkai quickly wrapped himself in the blanket. He wasn’t pleased that some stranger had undressed and treated him. Even the boxer shorts they had put on him were not actually his. All his things had been lost in the desert. Mostly, it was because he didn’t like people seeing his belly under normal circumstances, much less when he was four months pregnant and starting to show. He kept looking down at the strange bulge, and he felt his cheeks pink when he thought of anybody seeing.

She brought with her a tray of food with pitchers of water, milk and juice. It was piled with breakfast foods of every stripe- omelets, breads, toasts, and assorted sauces and jellies. When he looked at it, Hakkai’s stomach responded before he could. The growl from it was audible enough to make the demon blush.

She smiled at him, “If you are hungry it’s a good sign.”

Hakkai winced, sitting up slowly. The wounds in his back were beginning to knit together but it would be days before he would be able to move comfortably. He was ravenous.

“This is food for the passengers,” he said. Shinji had started to dive into the food, but when Hakkai didn’t immediately take it, he stopped.

“Yes,” she said, smiling, “after what you did, do you really think we’d make you eat more of the cafeteria crap?”

“What did I do?” Hakkai was afraid of the answer.

“You saved us!” she woman said, suddenly gushing emotion. “You drove off the bandits! I’ve never seen so many obake! We’ve never been attacked by so many at one time before. They usually travel in packs of five or six- there must have been a hundred of them!”

“You should have seen yourself!” Shinji chimed, “You kicked ass!”

“I thought we were all going to die- they came right into the truck! Then, they started to leave and when I looked outside there you were- like a knight without the armor!”

Hakkai held his face in his palm. They were putting a severe dent into his appetite, making his head hurt. The idea of anybody admiring his bloodthirsty side was sickening. What they failed to realize, was that once Hakkai had started to fight his ability to recognize friend and foe was severely limited. Had any demons or other people from the caravan tried to get near him, even to save him in the thick of the fight he might have killed them too without a second’s thought. “Please, no more. I’m not proud of what I am.”

She looked like she was getting ready to hug him. Tears stood in her eyes and Hakkai could feel himself being hoisted onto a pedestal. He’d never been worshipped before and he was starting to get a little more perspective on Sanzo’s attitude.

“You- You’re my hero! Cho-san, we are all in your debt!”

Hakkai shook his head, “Enough! I don’t want to hear it.”

“Cho-san,” she continued, “Lord Izumi plans to meet you when you arrive.”

Hakkai looked up at her, she had sat at his bedside after delivering her tray. She kept looking from Hakkai to the food and he took some just to make her feel better. Once he nibbled on it, the hunger obliterated his will. He suddenly started showing down the stuff, propriety be damned. Shinji had been awaiting Hakkai’s cue, and he delightedly joined him.

“Lord Izumi?” Hakkai had not heard the name before. He vaguely remembered some reference to a lord at the oasis but there were many demon lords and he’d not taken too much interest in them.

“Yes, we sent word of your heroic fight ahead and he wants to meet with you right at the door. It’s an honor!”

Hakkai ran his hand into his hair again, and rubbed the back of his neck. It was a gesture he tended towards when people made him uncomfortable. He was doing it a lot right now. “I’m sure it is.” The headache he was started turned up a notch. There would be attention. Sanzo was a master at avoiding the spot light. His thoughts turned toward, “If I were Sanzo, what would I do?” Hakkai had learned from the priest’s constant desire to duck attention.

“He says you are to be his guest during your stay in the Oasis!” she seemed too excited for Hakkai to stand much longer. He was having a hard time stomaching it. He wanted to tell her she could take his place. He grit his teeth together, trying to control the impulse to snap at her, and that probably just meant he was wearing one of his stiff smiles.

“Wow!” Shinji said through a mouthful of omelet, “He doesn’t do that unless it’s someone important! Can I come too?”

Hakkai looked at the kid, “I wouldn’t go without you!”

“Yay!”

“They wanted me to make sure you were fit to meet the Lord. If you can’t get out of bed, we’ll make due and he can wait I suppose. Can you move, yet?”

“How long before we arrive?”

“We should be there tomorrow. The raid made it hard to get moving again. We had to do a lot of repairs on the truck just to get it mobile. We won’t be able to use it again for a long time.”

“How long was I out?”

“Almost two days.”

Hakkai gawked at her and then he glared at Shinji, “Why didn’t you tell me?” The flare of anger that momentarily shot through Hakkai reminded him he wasn’t wearing his limiters. Until he got them back, he’d have to be extra cautious in controlling his reactions.

Shinji shrugged, not noticing, “You didn’t ask!”

“I have another question for you,” Hakkai said to the woman before she left, “What is going on with Captain Jiki?”

As far as Hakkai could tell, Shinji had not connected his trauma with Jiki. As far as Hakkai thought he knew, the youkai who had assaulted him had done it for their own reasons. Hakkai could not bring himself to tell him Hakkai had been involved. Speaking the captain’s name shot a rough pang of guilt through Hakkai and for a few moments he couldn’t meet those crimson eyes. The captain’s name elicited no real response from Shinji, and that made Hakkai suspect that he didn’t understand.

But the crew knew and when the woman turned back to him, she looked sad. “He knows there isn’t anything he can do without angering the Lord now. Besides, he’d have to go through the crew first. We are all behind you Cho-san. You’re our savior.”

After she had left, Hakkai turned worried eyes to his companion. “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve their praise,” he fisted his hand before him. Looking at his hand, the hands his love had so admired; hands that had grown longer nails he knew would grow back if he cut them and an ivy pattern that even twined about his fingers, Hakkai was caught up by a fleeting desire to cut his own throat. That beaten back guilty part of him that was still Catholic spoke up about suicides going to hell.

I’m going to hell anyways.

“Of course you do. You did something most youkai can’t. You saved me twice and you saved the caravan,” Shinji said, “All by yourself!

“I know those dogs would have eaten every last person on these trucks. But, Shinji, don’t think because I am powerful that I don’t deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to me.”

I’ve killed more than I could ever save. I’ve killed so many; I don’t even know the number.

Shinji reached out and lightly stroked Hakkai’s arm. “Kai-san?”

“What?” Hakkai said gently, “What is it?”

“I think you are awesome. I don’t think you deserve anything bad! C’mon- you’re going to get to meet the Lord! How great is that?”

Hakkai didn’t give a rat’s ass about the Lord. How could he explain to Shinji that he had fought gods? Nothing held that kind of fascination for him. Hell had no mysteries for Hakkai. However, the boy’s enthusiasm was contagious and hard to argue with. He ruffled Shinji’s hair, “Yeah, its cool. Now, eat up!”

The next day Hakkai hung out a window to gawk at the vista. He got his first look at the Oasis. It was nestled inside a valley bisected by a deep gorge and the green that spread out from the great cleft in the earth was astounding in contrast with the brown scrub and sandy colors that surrounded it. The city was carved into the very cliffs of the great gorge and rose up into the mountains immediately around it. From certain vantages, Hakkai could see the silvery glitter of the river that was the life’s blood of the city. Highest of all, sprouting from about mid high up the rock face of the biggest mountain cliff inside the city was a spire that rose to tower above the highest peak. It glowed pink in the sunlight, reflecting the sandstone around it. Hakkai suspected it was really alabaster, and in full noon sin it would gleam a bright white.

There was a great wall surrounding the city. Trees and buildings sprouted above the level of the great wall, but not outside its boundaries. The wall itself wound up the mountain faces and out of site. Hakkai asked about it.

“It keeps the desert people and the obake out. It has wards all over it,” Shinji had explained. “If it weren’t for that, the people would be at the mercy of the desert people and their demons.”

Inside the wall stood trees Hakkai had never seen before in his life –great palm trees! They stood out against the skyline of the great city. Hakkai could feel the psychic energy the place emanated. The combined aura of a million youkai tickled his senses. He could feel his body pull it in and store the life force. He also discovered that he was far more comfortable with it without his limiters on. The power of the earth flowed freely through his body, unfettered. As he had gotten closer to the city, his wounds had healed more rapidly than usual, even for him. It made him giddy and anxious.

The Oasis was bigger than Hakkai had imagined. In the center were sky scrapers whose height was hidden by their relative elevation. Toward the far horizon stood the great Spire of Amaterasu. As they crested the last hill before entering the plane that surrounded the valley Hakkai could see it standing tall. The buildings around it paled beside its strength. Hakkai got the feeling it was calling to him and his eyes dilated as he stared at it.

“The Lord lives in that. I’ve never been inside the grounds though. Hanyou aren’t allowed in that far, unless they work for there.”

It took Hakkai’s breath away. From where he was, he couldn’t see far enough to see where the city ended. From the height he was at, it largely spread out below him, a panorama that attested to the skill and art demons were in fact capable of.

“I’m supposed to wear these?” Hakkai gawked at the clothing they had brought him to wear to his meeting with Lord Izumi. To say the least, they were not his usual choice. The pants they brought him were low slung, and would come to rest under his belly. This might prove a blessing but that’s where his satisfaction with them ended. There were a few options, but they pretty much were all the same- too damn revealing. They had chosen things that would make him look the harlot. The tops were also cropped fairly short and would leave his body way too exposed. Everything was skin tight. He realized this was actually how most demons dressed, but he had no desire to look like a youkai. Not really.

When all the clothing he had brought with him had been lost in the desert, nobody had bothered to look for his pack. He’d lost Shinji’s picture. The only possessions that had been spared were Gojyo’s lighter and his dagger and that was only because he’d had those items on him when they had carried him into his new room.

“I can’t wear these,” he said to the lady who had been caring for them the last few days.

“These are typical clothes demons wear here,” she said, “I’m sorry, but they belong to one of the crew members. It was hard finding something in your size on board that was half way presentable.”

“These are presentable?” Hakkai held the thong that came along with them up and glared at her. “Baka, I can’t wear anything like this!” Even the top would be too tight, and the thought of walking around with his belly peaking out made Hakkai cringe.

Her face screwed up then and Hakkai immediately felt bad. He had to control himself better. He hadn’t meant to be harsh. He didn’t normally say things like that to people. She sniffled and wiped her nose, “We tried to find something for you. I’m sorry you don’t like them.”

“You made her cry!” Shinji called.

“I’m sorry, but can you maybe see if there isn’t anything less revealing?” Hakkai asked her gently.

The best she brought him, instead of replacements, was a jacket. It was a denim thing that came to rest at his hips, and would at least cover his belly if he buttoned it.

After shooing them out, Hakkai donned the clothing. He eventually settled on the black leather pants, and a more or less bland top. He looked at himself in the mirror and was surprised. They actually looked pretty good on him, belly or no. Hakkai sighed. Would he ever feel like he recognized the man in the mirror?

He had no intention of meeting with this Lord Izumi. Shinji would be very disappointed but Hakkai planned to make another back exit escape as soon as the caravan landed.

“It’ll have to do,” Hakkai grumbled to his image in the mirror. He’d never seen his demon form so much before. When the events at the Centipede Gyumou’s castle had turned him, the first thing Hakkai had done was obtain the limiters. He’d put them on and never taken them off except in the direst of circumstances. Being comfortable in his demon form was never a goal he entertained. He had surpassed his previous record by days now and his body had adjusted a great deal. He still couldn’t get used to seeing his face covered in markings, and the altered features that made him a demon. He looked at the unfamiliar creature in the mirror, the one wearing demon’s clothing. He forced his face into a smile and was surprised by the face that smiled back at him. Despite everything- he was still himself after all.

The scars in his belly were partially camouflaged under his markings. They had flattened out some when his skin had stretched a little. Oddly enough, although they still pained him some, they actually didn’t look as bad as they had. It must have something to do with his demon’s form and the energy he absorbed.

Hakkai mourned his lost limiter, though he was happy to be free of the power build up they had caused.

Hakkai stretched. The movement caused him to wince as not quite healed injuries on his back were bothered. Demon’s form or no, he’d probably have a few new scars there as a keepsake.

After a few minutes, Shinji knocked, “Are you done yet, Kai-san?”

“Yeah,” Hakkai said. He was constantly startled by the subtle change in his voice. A preternatural dulcet tone was there he didn’t know he’d possessed. “Come in.”

Shinji stared at the lean figure and his eyes went wide. “Kai-san! You really look like a demon now!”

Hakkai glared at him. “That’s not a compliment.”

“Yeah it is! You’re the prettiest demon I’ve ever seen!”

Hakkai shook his head dismally, bringing his palm to his forehead in a gesture he’d unconsciously picked up from Sanzo. “Shinji, you have no idea what you are saying to me.”

“C’mon, it’s time to go!”
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Hakkai's Secret