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Life After Near Death	By : Rhov Category: +. to F > Fairy Tail Views: 14426 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Fairy Tail is the property of Hiro Mashima. I make no money, I just do this for my own pleasure.

Chapter List
- 20
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- 22
A/N: Consider this an omake chapter, bonus chapter, deleted scene, or whatever you want. I wrote the internal monologues on a whim to EternalBlaze5 in response to the question of what Gray and Natsu were thinking about during their long, soulful gaze. I actually really liked it, so I expanded that scene and created this.

Chapter 21

The Long Stare
Thoughts zoomed through Gray's mind as he gazed down at the flushed Dragon Slayer.
'My heart is racing.'
It beat so fast, he felt the pounding against his ribcage. He was glad he still had his shirt on. He was sure it was beating so hard, Natsu would have been able to see it.
'I thought I was over this. Dammit!'
The confusion was back: a duality of wanting Natsu and fearing his own desires. Wanting him, of all people! Wanting a man! When had this begun? What even was it? He wasn't gay! He had never been gay! So what did this even mean?
'I want to kiss him. I want to so much.'
Gray's lips softened and relaxed as he imagined it. He focused on those lips, pink and chapped, and Gray wanted to lick them, to moisten those lips and soothe away the dryness.
'He's … breathtaking! The way he's looking at me…'
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Gray realized that some time had passed. Natsu had not looked away, also trapped in this silent vortex. Trapped together, eternally! Then, something dark surged up. He almost looked away in rage.
'It's so wrong, though. He's a guy, and Natsu has a girl he likes, so he's not gay. Hell, I'm not gay either. I'm just … confused. That's all.'
Yes, confused. Teens were allowed to experiment, to feel out their boundaries and try new ideas. He was just curious. He wasn't gay, just curious!
'And I can't betray Juvia.'
That was the truth. He would never cheat on her. Even if, by some miracle, Natsu parted those lips and asked for a kiss, Gray would have to tell him no. He would have to! His honor demanded it, there was no way he would cheat on his girlfriend, and so privately he prayed that Natsu would not say anything at all. If Gray had to tell him no, that would shatter his heart like a dropped ice cube.
'I like her, but … but I…'
It was certainly strange. As much as he enjoyed Juvia's company, as happy as he felt strolling through town with her clinging to his arm, as hilarious as she could be, and as sexy as she acted when they were alone, something bothered him. He could not place his finger on it. He really liked Juvia, but…
'How I feel about Natsu is different than that. It's different, but it's still weird.'
These were not the same feelings as he had for Juvia. It was totally different, and in ways he did not understand. Maybe neither set of emotions were love. One was liking a girl and having fun with her, the other was wanting a man and feeling a desperate need to be with him. Like and Lust! Those weren't what Gray wanted, though. He wanted love!
He knew in that moment, what he felt for Natsu was not the love he was searching for. It was desire. It was infatuation. He knew in his heart, this was not love, and for some reason that depressed him. Did he want it to be love? Was there a way to twist lustful neediness into heartfelt compassion?
He didn't know. He had never felt real love.
'Still, he looks so … kissable! I wonder what Rei-chan meant about the kisses of a Fire Dragon Slayer. Dammit, I want to know! I want to kiss him, feel how hot that mouth is, but that's a real selfish thing to do. I can't!'
Oh he could! He could be a total asshole and betray everyone, cheat on Juvia, break his bond of friendship with Natsu, maybe destroy the delicate dynamics of the whole team. He could pin Natsu to the bed and kiss the fuck out of him! He imagined himself doing it, how those pointed eyes would widen in shock and horror, being kissed by the man who was a rival, the boy he had known since they were kids, the guy he fought most often. To be kissed by a man like that! Oh yes, it would shock the hell out of Natsu, but Gray rationalized that likely it would end with him getting punched for being a dick.
'I can't take advantage of him when he's sick.'
It boiled down to that. Natsu was sick; he needed to keep calm, rest, and heal himself. Gray was in a relationship and happy with Juvia. These feelings were just raw infatuation. He was not about to destroy their friendship, or hurt Juvia, due to an uncontrolled outburst of lust.
'That's just shitty."

Natsu felt weird. His heart was fluttering, but not in a bad way. Lying on the pillows, he felt like he was floating, and Gray was a snowflake showing him the way to fly. Those cold, blue eyes promised happiness, and yet … they were reticent.
'Come on, Gray! It's perfect. Kiss me already!'
Natsu had learned plenty about 'perfect settings' from Rei-chan. This was one of those times. It was the perfect moment. Gray's hand was on his face, those eyes were gazing down at him, lying there, prone and waiting.
'Why isn't he kissing me?'
It was infuriating! Couldn't Gray read the mood? This was the perfect mood! It was a once in a lifetime moment between them.
'Oh God, I want those lips! I want to warm up his mouth. I want to set his whole body on fire.'
He wanted Gray so much in that moment, his hands almost reached out. He couldn't, though. He couldn't take possession of someone who belonged to another. It had to be Gray's choice.
Somewhere, he could hear whispers between Lucy and Happy, but he ignored them. The sound of Gray's breathing was loud in his ears. His own heart throbbed, and the blood rushing through his head made a white-noise that drowned out anything past the bedroom door.
'You're looking at me weird, Gray. What are you thinking about?'
For a brief moment, the skin between Gray's eyebrows wrinkled, just slightly, but enough to create a shadowy furrow that showed negative emotions. Instantly, Natsu felt his heart plummeting into despair.
'Am I really so repulsive that you won't say anything?'
What was this silent gaze about? And that disgusted look, what did it mean? A whole minute must have passed, maybe longer, Natsu had no idea, but they were just … staring! Their eyes were locked in a battle, and Natsu didn't even know what it was about. Still, he did not look away, and neither did Gray.
'You're just staring weird. Come on! The mood is perfect, and I'm right here! Just lean over.'
His lips began to part, ready to speak, but he couldn't. Rei-chan had strictly warned him: now that Gray had a girlfriend, Natsu had to honor that decision. As much as he hated it, as miserable as it made him feel, he had to acknowledge that Gray must have had feelings for Juvia already. Hell, the whole guild knew about it! Juvia was a friend of his, as well. Natsu had to respect her emotions, which had been aimed solely at Gray for years. The honorable thing to do was not cull Gray away from that relationship, but wait until Gray naturally returned to him.
Still, Natsu was not a patient man.
'Just ask, 'Is it okay if I kiss you?' and I'll say yes. I can't ask you, you have a girlfriend so it's wrong of me to ask, but if you ask me … don't even ask. Just do it! I want it.'
He wanted it! He wanted it so badly, the pit of his gut hurt.
'Come on, Gray. No one's even watching.'
It could be their secret. Even if Gray was dating Juvia, Natsu could keep just a single kiss as a secret. It would be their shared sin, unknown to anyone else. Instead, Gray's eyes dropped a little lower, not looking away, but no longer focused on Natsu's eyes. Was it his chin? Maybe the scar on his neck? Regret flooded Natsu's heart.
'You must really be that totally uninterested, huh? It's just my imagination. Dammit!'
Of course Gray was uninterested! The guy had a girlfriend, and he was happy. He was supposed to be on a date later that night. Just because he canceled, Natsu realized he should not feel so damn happy. Gray did it for Natsu as a teammate, nothing else. Hell, he had wanted to drop his food off with Lucy and leave without even saying hello. That's hardly how someone in love would act. Natsu was left with his silent pining.
'I want him to kiss me, but I can't ask when he has a girlfriend.'
He couldn't. That much, he knew. He might be wild and sometimes a little destructive (Erza and Lucy blew it out of proportion, of course, making it sound like he destroyed something every mission, when it was most definitely not every mission); however, Natsu had been raised by a dragon. Dragons were honorable and noble creatures. As the son of Igneel, he could not besmirch his heritage by hording that which was not his to own. He could not force Gray to love him.
'That's just shitty.'

And so both remained quiet. Gray stared down in wistful regret at the lips he dared not claim, while Natsu gazed up with heartbroken yearning he could not express.
Neither could say what they were thinking. They did not even know how to form those erratic thoughts into words. These emotions were new and troubling. Their sense of pride, honor, and stubbornness outweighed the heaviness this silence hung on their hearts.
Wordlessly, they continued the unspoken monologue of their internal torment throughout the long stare.

Next Chapter: "The Flame of Love"

A/N: To concerned readers: yes, I'm aware of the massive art theft attack made on AO3. Yes, I was a victim, with over a dozen stories stolen by the Ebooks-Tree website. No, I'm not concerned. I don't play the whiny pussy role. I threatened a lawsuit if they do not remove my stories in the next 72 hours. I have copyright-protected song lyrics in some of these stories, and if you try to make money off a story with my lyrics, even if it's only money made from ads, you owe me royalties. You don't fuck with a professional writer! That being said, I will not stop uploading my stories online, and I hope you don't stop reading.
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Life After Near Death