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My Sun, My Supernova	By : ditchgospel Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 3283 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 21
- 22
- 23
My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 22

Burning

Hakkai and Gojyo can't help but gape a little when Sanzo and Goku emerge from
the room. Sanzo just looks so... normal, determined and hard-set, with his
head held up high. And Goku is, for the first time in quite a while, actually
giving Sanzo some space. What's more, the little monkey's eyes are
shining brightly with pride and hope.

"Hakkai, Gojyo! Quick, we need food energy! We're starving to
death!"

After a rushed meal, throughout which Sanzo eats little and stresses the need
to hurry, Hakkai offers Sanzo a glass of water and a tablet.

"Sanzo, please swallow this, and then we can get going."

Sanzo eyes the tablet expressionlessly, and then flicks his eyes up to Hakkai
with a cold and suspicious glare.

"Request rejected."

This is undeniably and obviously a flat refusal on Sanzo's part, but Hakkai
persists.

"Now, Sanzo, this is just a sedative. It'll only take a second to swallow,
and it'll help you to relax."

Sanzo is twitching with irritation and frustration, struggling to keep
himself in control.

"No. I won't have you treating me like a sick child."

"Sanzo, we'd rather you didn't have another outburst."

Sanzo has his eyes closed now as a wave of disgust and anger rises up and
washes over the self-control he has managed to collect, threatening to flush it
away.

"Sanzo?"

"I said no! I won't take any fucking pills!"

Sanzo lashes out, knocking the glass from Hakkai's hand, and it shatters on
the floor. Sanzo turns away, shaking and covering his face with his hand,
struggling to gather himself together so as not to follow the glass's example.
When he feels Hakkai's hand on his shoulder, he shrugs it off and stands
abruptly.

"I've had enough of this. Let's go. There's no time to waste here."

He stalks outside, Goku not far behind, and Hakkai and Gojyo are left staring
wordlessly after them.

"Gojyo, go keep a watch on them, I'll finish up here."

Gojyo stirs himself and follows the path of the other two. Hakkai watches his
departure, and then looks down at the broken glass sadly for a moment, before
turning his attention to the doctor, using the gold card to pay for his services
as well as a few bottles of the tablets.

XXX

Outside, Hakkai finds Sanzo and the others; the two smokers leaning against
the wall while engaged in their perpetual habit, with Goku crouched down on the
ground not far from where Sanzo is standing. All are quiet, which is a relief.
Together, they set a fast pace on the walk out of town, and once clear of the
populated streets, Hakuryu quickly transforms and they are ready to go.

As is the routine of late, Gojyo jumps automatically into the front seat, not
thinking anything of it. Sanzo stops dead in his tracks, eyebrow twitching and
his fists clenched. It feels as if Hakkai and Gojyo are trying to make
him go even crazier than he already is. Sanzo decides that there is no way in
hell that he is just going to let them get away with this kind of intolerable
treatment and relent submissively as they seem to expect. He takes a deep breath
and approaches the jeep, eyes locked on the offender. He wants to hit Gojyo, to
put him in his place, but that won't go over very well in the present
circumstances. Sanzo knows that his own behaviour is still on surveillance due
to his previous actions.

Perhaps it's about time he works on changing that.

"Gojyo, get out of my seat. Now."

Gojyo looks up, startled. There is so much anger in Sanzo's eyes, anger that
flickers and churns throughout a chaotic mess of confusion, anger that swims
frantically in a sea of mad desperation and swirling emotions. Besides Sanzo's
words, Gojyo is sure he can see another message written in the turbulence within
Sanzo's eyes, and he reads it thus:

I don't know who the hell I am anymore or what my place is, so just get
your ass out of my seat so I can at least pretend that I do.

And Gojyo is relieved. He is relieved to see that Sanzo is trying to
come back to himself and regain some control in his life, and so Gojyo is more
than happy to oblige and jump into the back with Goku, exchanging a brief, happy
look with Hakkai as he does so.

Satisfied, Sanzo lights up a fresh cigarette and leans back in the seat as
the jeep begins to move, trying to relax his nerves. It isn't long, though,
before Gojyo has him twitching again.

"Hey, Sanzo. Pass the lighter back."

Gojyo has his hand extended, palm up, expecting Sanzo to comply. Sanzo eyes
the hand for a moment, considering, and then makes up his mind.

"Hell, no. It's mine, so keep your grubby hands to yourself."

Sanzo clutches the lighter in question tightly as he waits for Gojyo's
response.

"Ah, Sanzo. You can use it when you need to, but you can't keep it.
Hand it over."

"I refuse. What do you think I'm going to do, burn myself, light myself on
fire? I already have a fucking fire in my head, so why would I want to do that?
I'm keeping the damn lighter.

Hakkai softly intervenes.

"Gojyo, let him keep it for today, if he wants."

Gojyo withdraws his hand somewhat uneasily, but when Hakkai catches his eye
through the rear view mirror, Hakkai is obviously pleased. This makes
Gojyo reconsider the situation, and in a moment, he smiles. Yes, Hakkai is
right. Perhaps the old Sanzo is beginning to return to them, and they should
give him a chance to prove it.

XXX

"Hey, Goku. For the hundredth time, stop squishing me and get over to your
side of the seat, dumb monkey."

Goku is starting to seriously get on Gojyo's nerves.

"But... then trade seats with me, Gojyo!"

"Why should I, huh? What's so great about this seat?"

"Umm..."

Gojyo watches as Goku glances at Sanzo, his golden eyes lingering on him with
a kind of urgent need. Ah, so Goku wants to get closer to Sanzo, and Gojyo's
seat is right behind Sanzo's. Gojyo smirks. The temptation to tease Goku is
strong, especially considering how close the monk and his monkey have become
lately. Damn, the two are even sleeping together now, as in
intimately, and if that's not a reason to tease the hell out of Goku,
then nothing is!

"Oh, so that's it. You want to sit here so you can snuggle up
to Sanzo's seat. You two are such little lovebirds these days; I guess
you just can't stand to be parted from one another this long, eh? That's so
sweet."

Goku cringes a little, caught red-handed in his intentions. It's true that
his need to be close to Sanzo is so strong, that it has become an undeniable
weakness, especially since he tends to suffer serious side effects when that
contact is withheld from him. From the front seat, Sanzo growls and punches a
fist against the dash, earning a sharp "Kyuu!" of complaint from the
dragon. He stands, whirling to face the back. Alarmed, Hakkai slowly brings the
jeep to a halt, not wanting Sanzo to fall out of the moving vehicle. Sanzo is
yelling, hands clutching the back of the seat in a white-knuckled grip.

"Shut up! Just shut up, all of you! I don't need that monkey, do you
hear me? I didn't ask for any of this, and I don't need your stupid pills
or doctors or... rules of conduct. I'm supposed to be in control, I'm
supposed to be leading this mission, not... not being led around on a
leash by a bunch of idiot demons. I may have lost my fucking mind
somewhere along the way, and my soul is either lost or fucked up so bad that I
can't even find it anymore, and I may be as good as dead, but I am
not weak, and I am not giving up! I'm... I don't know who I
am, but I will be strong, and you bunch of idiots will not take
that away from me, do you hear?"

Sanzo glares at each of his companions in turn, scalding them with the raging
fire that burns behind his eyes. In his struggle to keep himself in check and
not go totally haywire, he is shaking uncontrollably and breathing hard, his
fingers digging into the seat. Feeling a little faint, he sinks down onto his
knees in the chair.

"Hakkai, do you hear me? I don't need you treating me like some kind of an
invalid. I just need you to drive the goddamned jeep. Do you think you can you
manage that?"

"Yes, Sanzo, but..."

"Shut up! I don't want to hear it. And Gojyo. I don't need
you treating me like some juvenile delinquent. You're not my fucking
parole officer, so mind your own damn business. I know I was messed up before,
what I did, but... just go shove your own lighter up your ass and leave me out of
your control shit. And before you say anything else, just shut up!"

Everyone is silent as Sanzo takes a moment to breath, and then raises his
eyes to Goku.

"Goku. You. You I especially do not need. I do not need you
drowning me in your pathetic tears, or suffocating me with your
constant attention. Do you hear me? I don't need you. Hmph. Devoted
little monkey my ass. Guess you'll just have to wait for your little god to come
crawling back and get what you need from him."

"But... Sanzo, you're the one who... I need you!"

"Shut up! Stop your whining, clingy little monkey. I don't want to hear it.
If you want to help me, then just be there at the end. Help me win this
thing."

"I already promised I would."

"Promise? Since when did any of us ever promise each other
anything?"

"But..."

"Shut up. My head's going to explode if you don't just shut up. Brains
all over the jeep. Shit, shit, shit it
burns."

Sanzo slips out of the jeep, hands over his ears, and starts wandering off,
muttering to himself.

"Burns, burns, burns, my mind on fire..."

Goku leans forward, gritting his teeth and resisting the urge to run to
Sanzo's side. Gojyo whispers to Hakkai.

"Umm, Hakkai... any bright ideas?"

He and Goku watch as Hakkai grinds up one of the tablets and dissolves it in
a cup of water. During this time, Sanzo has been getting progressively more
agitated, eventually falling to his knees and clutching his head in apparent
pain. Holding out the cup, Hakkai calls to him.

"Sanzo! Sanzo! Have some water. If you drink some it might put
out the fire!"

Sanzo looks up, shaking his head doubtfully.

"No, no, it's too bright."

"Gojyo, bring it to him."

"Hey, why do I have to go?"

"Because he's sick of Goku and I tending to him. Don't worry, he doesn't have
his gun on him, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Gojyo grabs the cup and approaches Sanzo, kneeling down next to him.

"Sanzo, your water."

Sanzo looks at Gojyo intently, seemingly fixated on studying his hair and
eyes. Slowly he reaches out with one hand and catches Gojyo's hair with his
fingers.

"Fire is red. It burns."

"Yeah, no kidding. Drink this, it'll put the fire out."

"Why should I believe you? You're a water sprite, and yet you still
burn."

"Ah, but that's what makes me so special. My secret recipe, fire and water.
Don't go spilling my secret to the world now, Sanzo. It's just between me and
you."

Gojyo winks, and Sanzo grabs the cup roughly with his free hand, the one not
currently caught in Gojyo's hair. Gojyo is forced to reach out and steady the
cup in Sanzo's shaking hand.

"Careful, don't spill this either."

Quickly, desperately, Sanzo guzzles down the water, and then throws down the
cup with a curse.

"Shit! It didn't work, you lying bastard! I should have known not to trust a
burning water sprite."

"It will work. Just give it a chance, Sanzo. And could you stop
pulling my hair?"

Sanzo releases his hold on Gojyo's hair and sinks down, sprawling out
bonelessly on the ground next to Gojyo. As time passes, he gradually begins to
feel calmer.

Watching intently, Goku yells out to them, wanting Sanzo back in the jeep and
suddenly feeling a little jealous of Gojyo and Sanzo's interaction, however
brief and insignificant it may be. Sanzo is his, and his alone.

"Sanzo! West! We have to go west, remember? Hurry! There's no
time!"

Sanzo murmurs an agreement, something about noisy monkeys always calling him,
and starts to push himself to his feet. Gojyo grabs his arm and hauls him the
rest of the way up. Annoyed, Sanzo brushes him off.

"Don't touch me. I don't like it. But..."

He studies Gojyo again curiously out of the corner of his eye.

"But what, Sanzo?"

"I like your water. Nice water."

Gojyo laughs.

"Hey, thanks, man. Anytime you need to chill out, just let me know, and the
water's all yours."

"That's... cool."

Gojyo grins again at Sanzo's response. Drugging Sanzo is kind of fun.
Maybe they should have started feeding Sanzo sedatives a long time ago, they
could have saved a lot of poor, innocent restaurant walls from bullet wounds
along the way.

XXX

At the end of the day, they stop to camp out for the night. Hakkai and Gojyo
talk quietly as they gather firewood, observing Sanzo and Goku from a distance.
Sanzo is sitting on a log, just quietly smoking as he stares into the fire, and
Goku is seated on the ground across the fire from him, watching him intently.
Gojyo snickers.

"In a way it's almost like Goku is stalking Sanzo. The monkey's
obsessed. How healthy is that?"

"Hmm... I just hope he doesn't blank out on us again. It seems to happen when
he gets upset over Sanzo."

"I'm not surprised Sanzo's starting to get sick of the attention. Goku can get pretty annoying at times, and he was practically hanging onto Sanzo 24/7. Hey, do
you think..."

"What?"

"Sanzo was really out of it last night after the attack, like completely
traumatized. Do you suppose Goku might have taken advantage of the situation as
an opportunity to get even closer to Sanzo? They were both buck naked the next
morning, and seriously, I just can't see Sanzo willingly letting
the monkey into his pants."

"I don't think Goku would ever do anything against Sanzo, Gojyo. They've been
physically closer ever since we found them on the road that day. Keep in mind,
also, that Sanzo isn't exactly himself right now. He does all kinds of things he
wouldn't normally do."

"True. But still... the whole thing's just weird and it makes me wonder,
you know? Sanzo's nuts, but Goku doesn't have that excuse, and he's
acting creepy, if you ask me."

"He cares about Sanzo and he's worried. He wants to look after him and keep
him safe. Is that really so creepy?"

"Okay, I'll admit you've got a point. Maybe I'm just a little creeped
out about the whole Sanzo and Goku thing, you know?"

Hakkai laughs.

"Gojyo, I hardly think this topic is at the top of our list of things to
worry about. On a more serious note, I'm concerned about the next attack. It
could come at any time, and Sanzo is at a serious disadvantage unarmed."

"I wouldn't feel very safe about giving him back his gun right now. I've had
some close calls with that thing even when Sanzo was sane, for crying out
loud."

"I have to agree with you. He's still far too unstable to be trusted with a
firearm. But... you know he hasn't once asked for it back, either. I take that as
a sign that part of him knows he isn't ready, and he doesn't want to end up
hurting us. I actually feel optimistic about the lighter, though. I think he
needs to have a little bit of control back in his life. There was that incident
today with him scratching himself, but... his attitude... that almost evil
attitude is gone now. He killed those people in the temple, but ever
since he shot himself, I think he's been improving."

"Maybe. Hey, maybe we should try talking to him, or something. Psychotherapy,
you know? Preferably without Goku getting in the way and hanging onto every
word."

"I doubt Sanzo would be very cooperative, but it doesn't hurt to try."

"Ha, now that's a scary thought, us playing shrink."

"Yes, the idea is rather bizarre, isn't it?"

"But it's funny, too, like a sick joke, or something. Hey, maybe we
can get Sanzo to laugh his way back to good mental health."

"Sanzo doesn't laugh. He'll probably just glare us to death."

"Damn monk, he just had to go getting all insane on us, as if he
wasn't already crazy enough before."

XXX

When Hakkai and Gojyo return to the campfire, Goku and Sanzo are still
sitting quietly. Hakkai addresses Goku cheerfully.

"Goku, we couldn't find much firewood over that way, would you go look around
somewhere else for us?

"But... why do I hafta do it? I wanna stay here, with..."

"Goku, please don't be stubborn. It's a simple task, and a simple request. We
can't cook without a good fire, and we don't have very much wood yet. The
fire won't last."

Goku makes no move to get up, and finally, it is Sanzo who kicks him into
gear.

"Goku, Goku. I thought monkeys like playing in the trees. So stop being such
a baby and just do it. You're embarrassing yourself. Find something else
to do besides stare at me all night, silly monkey. It's annoying the hell out of
me."

Goku gets up and sulks off into the bush, and when he is a reasonable
distance away, Sanzo speaks again.

"So, what are you two sneaky little foxes up to? I'm all ears, so out with
it."

Gojyo chuckles.

"Oh, suspicious, aren't you? I was just wondering how you were doing with
that lighter?"

"Fuck off."

"I'll take that as a, 'Fine, thank you so much for asking, Gojyo.'"

Sanzo snorts and lies down, stretching himself out along the length of the
log.

"Whatever. Leave me alone if you don't have anything to say."

"Actually, Sanzo."

"Spit it out, Hakkai. Like I said, I'm listening."

"Actually, we were wondering about your mental state. You seem to be
improving. What do you think about that?"

"I can't think at all, not with this hellfire burning in my head. Soon,
there won't be anything left. Does that sound like improvement to
you?"

"You don't feel that you're getting better at all? Excuse me for being blunt,
but you haven't tried to hurt anyone. Isn't that a good thing?"

A deep humming sound starts in Sanzo's throat, a frown forming on his face as
he closes his eyes tightly.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo is starting to look decidedly uncomfortable, turning his head from one
side to the other and clawing lightly at the bark of the tree trunk, the humming
gradually increasing in volume, until, abruptly, the sound stops. Sanzo
continues to dig at the bark, growing more insistent, as though he is able to
draw some kind of comfort from the repetitive action.

"Sanzo, please be still, you'll only end up hurting your hands. I'm sorry if
we've upset you. Sanzo?"

Slowly, Sanzo opens his eyes. They are dark and hollow as he turns them on
his two friends.

"What does... what does darkness feel like? Does it hurt? Maybe
it won't be so bad, in the end. Just have to get there, before it's too late.
West, west, into the dark."

Silence floods the night again, tense and charged with an ominous feel. Gojyo
breaks it suddenly, using an exaggerated tone of voice, as if he were telling a
horror story to a group of kids.

"Beware, for we travel into darkness, into danger, into the west. Genjo
Sanzo, Cho Hakkai, Sha Gojyo and Son Goku. Will we survive?
Only time will tell."

Sanzo starts to laugh, then, and by the sound of it, it is born more of
actual amusement than insanity. Watching him, Gojyo and Hakkai can't help but
smile, as well. When the laughter dies down, the silence that is left is a more
comfortable one, filled with quiet companionship and trust. Gojyo lights a
cigarette, and soon after Sanzo does as well. No one notices the pair of golden
eyes glinting in the dark, as Goku watches them intently with suspicion and
jealous anger.

"So, when do I get my gun back? Or are you bastards having too much fun
watching my helpless ass rot uselessly? Huh. I hope Konzen didn't do
anything too embarrassing with my body. That twisted creep. He's only good for
one thing. And that does not include stealing my monkey."

Hakkai and Gojyo exchange a look. So Sanzo does want his weapon back,
after all. Gojyo clears his throat.

"So, Sanzo. You're not thinking of... shooting us, are you? Or
suicide, or anything? You do want to make it to India first,
right? You're not thinking of extinguishing that fire in your head with the help
of a little bullet?"

Sanzo chuckles, amused again. He points a finger at the side of his head in
an imitation of a gun.

"Bang."

Gojyo smiles grimly.

"Ah, I hate to break it to you Sanzo, but joking around like that isn't
likely to get you your gun back any sooner. You were joking, right? You
don't actually wanna..."

"Fuck, no. I'm already dead. Anyway, I have a job to do first. West, west,
west."

Hakkai tosses another stick into the fire.

"We will consider your request Sanzo. But you do understand our
concerns."

"Mmm. Just don't keep me in suspense too long. I feel like a worthless piece
of shit right now. It would help if I could at least blow the brains out of the
next demon assassin we meet. Anger management therapy, or something. Maybe... I
could think again."

Sanzo hisses as if in pain, and smacks his head down hard against the trunk
beneath him.

"Hey, Sanzo."

"Spit it out, Gojyo."

"Do you want some more of my special water? To put the fire out?"

"No. Leave me alone."

"Are you sure? Doesn't the fire hurt? My water will cool you down. Want
some?"

"No. Yes. Maybe."

"Is that a yes?"

"Mmm. Whatever."

"Great. I'll go get it. Back in a jiff."

Gojyo stands, whistling a tune as he heads to the jeep, but...

A sudden, urgent shout from Goku shatters the hard-earned good cheer that
this night has won.

"Sanzo! We're under attack!"
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My Sun, My Supernova