On the Street of Dreams
folder
Gravitation › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
26
Views:
20,865
Reviews:
169
Recommended:
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Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Gravitation › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
26
Views:
20,865
Reviews:
169
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Gravitation, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Listen to Your Heart (Part 2)
Chapter summary: Then suddenly he found himself on the floor with a small bundle of pink in his face and he was having a hard time breathing.
Insert: Alfred, Lord Tennyson called, “In Memoriam AHH” (poem)
“Street of Dreams”, Rainbow (song)
***
Listen to Your Heart (Part 2)
The air inside the car was so heavy and thick, even a chainsaw would not be able to cut through it. An uncomfortable silence hung just as heavy and oppressive.
Tears filled violet eyes, but did not trickle down flushed cheeks. It was almost like there was an invisible barrier stopping them from exposing themselves. Shuichi’s vision blurred behind the veil of salty droplets. He wiped his runny nose on the sleeve of his black suit jacket and sniffed.
Seeing him out of the corner of his eyes, Eiri reached out and slapped his arm.
“Ow,” Shuichi cried out, wincing. He cradled his injured arm to his chest. He stared at his boyfriend in shock and confusion. “What was that for?”
“Use a fucking Kleenex!”
Shuichi became wide eyed before he dropped his head submissively and nodded. He clasped his hands in his lap and stared at his feet blankly. A deep chasm of misery and woe was slowing eating away at him. It was all his fault. He wished a hole would open up and swallow him. The shield cracked under the pressure and the first tear made its slow trek down Shuichi’s cheek. The singer did not even have the energy to reach up and brush it away. He felt like a rag that had been wrung out. Only instead of water, his liveliness was swirling the drain.
After everything that happened this past month, he completely forgot about NG Pro moving to Tokyo some time next year.
He, Hiro and Fujisaki have been working hard to perfect themselves. Shuichi wanted Bad Luck to be the best band in the music business. He wanted to surpass his big brother and Nittle Grasper. He wanted Bad Luck to be one of those rare bands who were around twenty, thirty years from now. He wanted to be on that stage hearing the roar of the crowd and know they were all there to see him; that he was the one they came to see. He wanted to give them something they would still be talking about a decade or two later. He wanted to inspire people to follow their hearts, to make their dreams reality and to do their best. He wanted to make a difference in somebody’s life, to have someone say that if he could do it then so could they. Shuichi wanted it all, but he could not do it alone. His dreams were too big even for him.
Shuichi loved singing and performing for people. It did not matter if it was one person or one-hundred. Music was in his blood. It was the only interest he had and if he were to lose it, he was not sure what he would do.
He was not an academic sort of person, not like Hiro who was practically a genius. He had barely passed junior high. He had not even gone to high school. He probably would have bombed the entrance exams anyway.
School sucked. Classes started too early and ran too late. He hated to study, not that he understood the lessons to begin with. They usually went right over his head. Studying what he already was confused about just made his head spin. Besides, it did not really matter if he did or did not study anyway. His mind went completely blank right before a test and everything he had known vanished, as if he had never learned it in the first place. Even getting a tutor had not helped. And the teachers! They just droned on and on and on. It was as if they liked the sound of their own voices.
For him, school had been kin to torture. It was an establishment meant to punish children and keep them out of their parent’s hair. The only thing that kept him going for as long as he had was his love of music. He joined the school choir in junior high and became a featured soloist. He even joined the school band after the conductor caught him playing the piano in the music room one day. It was where he actually met Hiro.
While he had enjoyed writing, literature had been one the greatest snooze fests because unless it had to do with music or was one of those rare mangas he fell in love with, he always seemed to fall asleep when reading, especially when it came to that crap considered “great works”. It was weird, his eyes just suddenly became heavy and he could not keep them open if his life depended on it. But one poem stuck out in Shuichi’s mind and one stanza in particular from that poem. It was an elegy by Alfred, Lord Tennyson called, “In Memoriam AHH”. The poem was an autobiography of Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s grief, loss and eventual solace over the loss of his close friend Arthur Henry Hallam.
This year I slept and woke with pain,
I almost wish’d no more to wake,
And that my hold on life would break
Before I heard those bells again:
The stanza deals with Tennyson’s thoughts of suicide during the first Christmas without his friend. If Shuichi had not had music in his life, these same dark thoughts would have overwhelmed him even more than they already had.
Now, all his hard work was finally beginning to pay off. Tohma had agreed to sign Bad Luck to a recording contract, not because of Shuichi’s connection to Nittle Grasper, not because his big brother was none other than Ryuichi Sakuma, but because he recognized their talent. This was something Shuichi and the others have been working so hard for and now that he had it, was he just going to give it up so that he could be with Eiri? Did he love the man so much that he could just give up on his dream?
Shuichi gazed at his lover out of the corner of his eye. Eiri was staring straight ahead and concentrating almost obsessively on the road. His golden hazel eyes were narrowed and squinty. His lips were pursed together and his jaw set. Annoyance, anger and frustration were written clearly on his face.
Shuichi twirled his head back around and stared at his feet.
As much as music did for him, it had not completely brought him back into the light. It had not helped him to forget about a father who wished he were never born or a mother who blinded herself to reality, a woman who believed that if you could not see it then it was not there. He still had an empty void inside of him. When Kizou came into his life and offered him an opportunity to forget all his troubles and sorrow, Shuichi took it, believing he found the solution to his despair, the plug that stopped up that giant hole inside of him, but in the end, he had been wrong. Not all the drugs, sex and alcohol helped him to forget. It was like taking a boiling pot off the burner and putting it back on a few moments later. All it did was continue boiling.
That was where Eiri came in. The man came out of nowhere and stole his heart. He burst into his life, grabbed him and walked off with him in tow without apologizing. Eiri was his first in so many respects. He was the first person to accept him for who he was without any hidden agenda. Eiri was the first person he felt comfortable enough around to finally relax and be himself. He made his pulse race and his body react. Eiri made Shuichi’s mouth go in explicably dry and his palms sweat. When they were not together, Shuichi longed to be with him. He was always thinking of the blond writer, the guy was never far from his thoughts. He seemed to always be saying to himself, “I gotta remember to tell Eiri that.” When he went shopping, there was always something that would remind him of the man, or something he would buy with the man in mind. Eiri was everything. Without him, Shuichi was nothing. For the first time in his life, Shuichi felt whole. Eiri filled that void that sat empty in him for so long, an emptiness that even music had not been able to touch.
When it came right down to it, he needed both music and Eiri. If he were to lose one or the other, he would spiral into nothingness.
Shuichi bit his lips and peeked at Eiri.
Eiri had been so furious when he told him about Tohma relocating the record company to Tokyo.
“In the spring, Tohma’s going to…Tohma’s going to, uhm, movingtherecordcompanytoTokyo.”
Eiri stared at Shuichi blankly for several long moments.
Shuichi blushed deeply. He avoided looking at his boyfriend. He could not believe that he had forgotten something like this!
Then it came.
“What?!”
Shuichi bowed his head in shame and guilt. How could he have forgotten something this huge? This changed everything! He felt the prickle of threatening tears, but pushed them aside. Crying now would only make Eiri madder.
Eiri narrowed his eyes and glared at the teen. “This better be some kind of sick joke, Shuichi Shindou.”
Shuichi had nothing to say to that. He wished it were a joke. His silence spoke volumes. Eiri pushed to his feet and stalked back to the car with an air of rage and fury engulfing him, all without saying one word to Shuichi or even acknowledging his presence. The only thing Eiri said to him in the last thirty minutes was, “Get the fuck in the damn car or you’ll be walking back!”
Eiri hated him and it was his fault. Did he no longer want to be with him? Was he going to break up with him and call off the engagement? Was he going to go back on his promise to love and support him and the baby? The thought of Eiri abandoning him as everyone else in his life had gave him a heavy heart. His soft sobs grew into great wails. Everything was finally going right in his life and he had to screw it all up!
Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
Shuichi became blinded by his tears as a sudden onslaught pooled down his face. He covered his mouth as a loud sob filled the silence of the car. His tiny frame shook as he cried. It felt as if his heart had been ripped violently out of his chest.
Hearing Shuichi’s cries tugged at Eiri’s heartstrings. His anger slowly dissolved like a deflating balloon. He hated it when Shuichi cried, especially when it was because of him. It always made him feel so helpless. He had never comforted anyone or been comforted before. He did not know what to do in situations like these. But the boy sounded so miserable! He had to do something. It was eating him up that he was responsible for his unhappiness. Shuichi should be happy. The boy should be smiling and laughing but instead he was sitting in the passenger seat bawling his eyes out.
“Dammit,” he cursed under his breathe.
He glanced around and spotting an empty space along the curb, signaled and pulled over.
Shuichi tensed up when he realized the car was slowing down. Eiri was pulling over?! Had he finally had it with him? Was he going to end it right here instead of waiting until they got home? No, no, no, no, no! A wave of desolation and panic washed over him. His heart started beating triple time. He had to do something! He could not let Eiri walk out of his life!
Despite the seatbelt, Shuichi flung himself onto his boyfriend, gripping his arm tightly through the thick fabric of his suit coat and green button down shirt.
Eiri gasped in surprise. He had to jerk the wheel and slam on the brakes in order to keep from smashing into the parked car in front of him. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he cursed. He hung his head back against the seat and took a long, deep breath, trying to slow down his racing heart. “What the hell are you…?” His voice faded as he turned towards his fiancé and the look of utter terror on his face.
Shuichi stared at the older man with wide teary eyes. Tears coursed down his face and snot drooled from his nose, but he did not care. Holding onto Eiri was the most important thing right now.
“PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME! PLEASE!” He wrapped his arms around Eiri’s chest and buried his tear and snot filled face on his arm.
Eiri blinked, taken back. Leave him? What in the world…? Then everything fell into place. He sighed heavily. Why did Shuichi always jump to the worst case scenario when it came to their relationship?
Shuichi wailed piteously. “I’ll do anything! Just please don’t leave me! PLEASE! I need you! I can’t do this alone!” Shuichi’s voice thickened, his words started to slur. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Tokyo, but so much has been happening that I forgot! Please! Give me another chance! Please! I swear I’ll make it up to you!”
Oh, Shuichi, Eiri thought. His heart broke as he listened to the little idiot.
Turning in the teenager’s arms, Eiri hugged him back just as fiercely. “I need you too,” he whispered.
It was always incredible to watch Shuichi switch from one emotion to another. His tears stopped as if they had never been streaming down his face. He pulled back enough so that he could see Eiri’s face clearly. His face was still a mess and his gorgeous purple eyes glistened with the threat of more tears, but instead of misery clouding his face, a mask of confusion stared back at the writer.
“W-what?”
Eiri snickered, shaking his head in amusement. “You really are an idiot,” he whispered in Shuichi’s ear. He pulled his lover back to him and hugged him tight. “When did I ever say that I was leaving you, huh?”
Shuichi’s eyes started to water again and his chin trembled. He sniffled, on the verge of crying once again. “B-but,” he cried, his voice shaking, “I thought…! I thought you ha-hated me!” He tightened his hold on Eiri.
“Shuichi,” Eiri sighed heavily. “Why would I hate you?”
“I lied to you and you hate me!” A look of fierce possessiveness stole over his face washing away the last of his tears and sorrow. “But I won’t let you go! Ever!”
Eiri smirked. “Good,” he told his lover, rubbing small circles on the kids back.
Shuichi opened his mouth to echo that strong sentiment, but closed it when what Eiri said sunk in. He blinked in surprise and confusion.
Eiri pulled back and reached into the glove compartment.
Shuichi watched as he grabbed something. When Eiri sat back, Shuichi noticed several tissues in his hand.
Eiri looked at the love of his life with a tender smile. He reached out and brushed away a stray tear. “Now, wipe your face off,” he told the boy in a soft but stern voice. “You look like you were hit by an ugly stick and that is not a look I want on my Shuichi.”
Shuichi blushed a deep crimson as he took the Kleenex from the man. He scrubbed his face free of tears and drying snot, then blew his nose. Feeling a little better, he placed the used tissues in the small plastic bag hanging from the console.
“Now,” Eiri said looking straight at his little fiancé, “what is this about me hating you?”
Shuichi bowed his head, playing with the tissue in his hands. His eyes watered. He fought against the downward tug of the corners of his lips.
“Shuichi?” Eiri grabbed Shuichi’s chin and gently lifted the boy’s head. “Shuichi, look at me. Talk to me. What’s going on in that thick skull of yours, huh?”
Shuichi’s chin shook and a tear managed to worm its way down Shuichi’s cheek. He jerked his chin out of Eiri’s grasp and turned his head away. He was not sure if it was because of shame, embarrassment or if he was unable or willing to face the harsh truth of reality like his mother, Shuichi just could not look at Eiri.
Eiri sighed heavily. “You really are Sakuma’s brother, aren’t you?”
Shuichi hooked his heels onto the edge of the seat, wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his cheek on top of his bent knees, facing out the window away from Eiri.
“Shuichi, I don’t hate you.” Eiri reached out and ran his hand over his boyfriend’s soft, silken strands. “I could never hate you. You mean too much to me for me to ever hate you.”
Shuichi felt a little spark of hope flame to life. Lifting his head, he turned to look at the older man, a look of cautious hope in his eyes. “You…you aren’t angry with me for lying to you?”
“I’ll admit that I’m pissed that you would spring this on me like this.” He reached out and grabbed Shuichi’s hand, lacing their fingers together. He smiled at the boy, putting all the feelings he had for the boy behind the force of it. “But I could never hate you.”
He loved this boy more than anything in this world. He was his heart, his soul, his everything. He could not imagine his life without him. Before he saw Shuichi at that bar a year ago, his life had been so bleak and dull.
Eiri had been such a recluse, burying himself in his writing. The only time he went out was for the occasional public appearance he was forced into doing by his agent, when he had to go to the corner market for a few things (like beer and cigarettes) and when he was feeling frustrated he went out for a walk or went to the bar to unwind. Once or twice, he even picked up some woman for a quick fuck. But mostly he kept to himself. He was not the kind of person who liked or felt the need to go out. He hated socializing of any kind. He did not like nightclubs, sports, karaoke bars or parties.
But Shuichi changed all that. He livened up his life. Shuichi was a light bulb in a room that had always been dark. The boy made him realize that when it came down to it, he was only twenty-two and it was high time he started acting like it. Shuichi made him feel…alive. And something else. It was hard to say what exactly. It was something that you just knew instinctively. It was not something that could be explained.
If someone sat him down and asked, “Why did you fall in love with him? What is it about him?”
It is the big purple eyes that were always shinning, the big silly thousand-watt smile he was always wearing, his girlish giggle, the teary puppy dog eyes and cute little pout he could do on a whim in order to get his own way. It was the way Shuichi could make him laugh, even when he was feeling like shit. It was the way Shuichi titled his head almost like a dog when he was listening to you, the way his eyes followed you around the room, the way his cute, tight little ass swung when he walked. It was a thousand different things and at the same time, it was none of those.
Whatever the answer was, Shuichi saw it as clearly as if Eiri said it. They say the eyes were the windows into a person’s soul and Shuichi saw straight into Eiri’s. The boy flung himself at his fiancé and hugged him forcefully. “I love you, Eiri!”
“I know.” He sighed and hugged his idiotic fiancé in a fierce bear hug in lue of an apology. “I didn’t mean to be so cold. You threw me a curve ball out of nowhere and I hate surprises. Moving to Tokyo is not something to throw around lightly. I mean, it’s not something you do on a whim. Moving to another prefecture is a lot more complicated then if you were moving across town, Shuichi.”
Shuichi winced. “I know that.” Now, he added silently. “I’m sorry.”
Eiri shook his head. “It’s fine. Just don’t wait until the last minute to lay something this big on me again, okay?”
Shuichi pulled back and nodded, blushing. He sat back in his own seat and twiddled his fingers in his lap. “So, uhm...” He lifted his eyes and glanced quickly at Eiri before lowering his eyes and blushing deeper. “Does this mean you’re going with me?”
Eiri sat back in his own seat, draping an arm around his lover’s seat and ran his fingers through his blond locks. “I don’t know, Shu. It’s a big change. Let me think about it, okay?”
Shuichi frowned and stared out the window, a deep weight settling over his shoulders and nodded. Frankly, he was still unsure about the move himself. As much as music meant to him, as much as finally making it meant and despite the fact that Hiro and Fujisaki were counting on him, Eiri was right. It was a huge decision.
But, what would happen to them if Eiri decided not to go to Tokyo and he did? Would they be forced to break up? Or could they make a long distance relationship work? Eiri started back up the car and pulled away from the curb into the early evening traffic as a thousand questions and worries drifted through both of their minds.
*
Eiri stopped at the intersection, waiting for the traffic to clear enough for him to turn onto his street. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his lover- now fiancé- holding his chin in the palm of his hand, staring out the window with a blank expression on his face. He knew that look. It meant that Shuichi was trying not to think about something. The writer sighed heavily. Then his eyes slid down to his lover’s flat stomach. A warm smile flitted across his face.
An angry honk behind him scared him out of his seat. Beside him, Shuichi yelped, startled back to the present. Holding his hand up in apology, Eiri turned down his street towards his apartment building, trying to calm his racing heart.
“What were you doing, daydreaming?” Shuichi mock scolded, teasing his boyfriend. A sly grin spread across his face. “Or maybe you got distracted by my sexy good looks.” He gave a sharp laugh when he saw the reddish tint on Eiri’s cheeks. “Ha ha,” he laughed, pointing. “Ei-ri’s blu-shing! Ei-ri’s blu-shing!”
Eiri growled, his blush deepening. “Shut up!”
Shuichi grinned, his eyes sparkling. Feeling better than he had mere moments ago, Shuichi watched as they pulled into the driveway outside Eiri’s apartment building.
Eiri pulled into his assigned parking spot, put the car into park and shut off the engine. In the silence of the car, Eiri realized Shuichi was humming. Releasing his seatbelt, he tried to ignore the boy but something about that melody sounded familiar. He turned towards his lover who was reaching for the door handle. “What are you humming?” he asked curiously.
“Huh?” Shuichi blinked and turned him, his hand resting lightly on the handle.
“That song you were just humming. What is it?”
Shuichi just looked at him blankly. Then his eyes widened and lit up with comprehension. “Oh,” he said, blushing. “It’s that song I’ve been working on.”
Now it was Eiri’s turn to look blankly at Shuichi.
“You know the one I told you about last week when I was watching that anime?”
“Oh. Yeah, I remember.” Shuichi has been humming that tune off and on for the last week. Eiri knew that infernal melody by heart by now, but he still had not heard the lyrics and he had to admit the curiosity was eating at him, not that he would ever admit to that.
The two of them got out of the car and started walking towards the apartment. They reached out simultaneously and clasped each other’s hand, lacing their fingers together. Eiri and Shuichi looked at each other and blushed. Shuichi laid his head on Eiri’s arm.
“Hey,” Eiri said as they walked towards the elevator.
“Hm?”
“Could you sing it for me?” Eiri asked as he pushed the up button.
“Huh?” Shuichi lifted his head and stared at his fiancé in confusion. “You want me to sing to you?”
Eiri scolded himself as he felt his face grow hot. “Yeah,” he said in embarrassment. He scratched the back of his head. Just then, the elevator pinged and the doors slid open.
Shuichi threw him a huge grin as they stepped into the car. “Of course.” He closed his eyes and hummed, trying to get a feel for the music.
Eiri pushed the button for his floor and the doors slid shut. As the elevator ascended to the top floor of the building, Shuichi’s sweet melodious voice filled the entire car. It swirled around them, enveloping them in a soothing peaceful calmness.
I heard the sound of voices in the night
Spellbound there was someone calling
I looked around no one was in sight
Pulled down and I just kept on falling
I've seen this place before
And you were standing by my side
I've seen your face before tonight
Maybe I just see what I want it to be
I know it's a mystery
Do you remember me
On the street of dreams
Running through my memory
On the street of dreams
There you stood a distant memory
So good like we never parted
Said to myself I knew you'd set me free
And here we are right back where we started
Something's come over me
And I don't know what to feel
Maybe this fantasy is real
Now I know I see what I want it to be
But it's still a mystery
Do you remember me
On the street of dreams
Running through my memory
On the street of dreams
You are on every face I see
On the street of dreams
Shuichi hummed the music where he planned to have a guitar solo for Hiro. The man was a clear genius when it came to the guitar and Shuichi planned on letting the rest of the nation know just how the man could let that thing sing. He bopped his head in time to the tune he heard in his head.
Distantly, he felt the elevator jump as it stopped at their floor and heard the ping as the doors slid open. Shuichi opened his eyes and linked his arm with Eiri’s, letting the man escort him to the apartment.
“Is that it,” Eiri asked him, as he dug out his keys.
Shuichi shook his head.
Something's come over me
And I don't know what to feel
Maybe this fantasy is real
Now I know I see what I want it to be
But it's still a mystery
Do you remember me
On the street of dreams
Running through my memory
On the street of dreams
Once again, Shuichi hummed a few bars of music before singing again as Eiri unlocked the apartment door and pushed it open. He stepped back and let Shuichi enter first, then followed him, shutting the door behind them.
Tell me have you always been
[On the street of dreams]
Will we ever meet again my friend
[On the street of dreams]
Do you know just what it means to be
[On the street of dreams]
Never know just who you'll see do ya
[On the street of dreams]
You can be who you want to be oh yeah
[On the street of dreams]
I can hear you calling me
[On the street of dreams]
I can feel you haunting me
Haunting me
Eiri smiled as the song ended. He toed off his shoes and set them besides Shuichi’s then stepped up behind his fiancé and wrapped his arms around the boy’s waist. Resting his chin on his narrow, bony shoulder, Eiri planted a chaste kiss on the side of the boy’s neck. He felt the boy shudder and felt his own excitement stir.
“It’s crap,” he whispered in Shuichi’s ear.
Shuichi’s world came crashing to a sudden halt. “What?!”
Grinning, Eiri let go of the boy and started walking to the bedroom. “I said it’s crap. A zero. A chimp could write something better.”
Shuichi’s jaw dropped. He stared after the man in shock and disbelief. Getting the chance to look at his round tight ass in those tight black slacks was just an added bonus. “Crap?”
“Uh, huh,” Eiri nodded. He paused in the doorway of their bedroom and looked back at the boy who had not moved an inch. “Crap,” he reiterated, a huge smile plastered on his face and his eyes sparkling with mischief.
Shuichi saw that look on his lover’s face and grew angry. “Oo! Eiri Yuki Uesugi!” How dare he tease him like that!
Eiri chuckled as stepped into the bedroom, shedding his clothes as if he were a snake as he strolled to the closet.
“Just for that I’m going to pick out the most expansive engagement ring I can find,” he shouted as he marched into the bedroom.
“Oh?” Eiri questioned the boy with a raised eyebrow. He stepped out of the closet in baggy sweat pants and a tight T-shirt.
Shuichi’s breath hitched at the sight of his lover’s clearly defined chest.
“And who said you didn’t already have your engagement ring?”
Shuichi blinked, yanked out of his intense studying of his lover. “What? I already have it?” He shook his head. “No I don’t.”
Eiri walked across the room, reaching out towards him, nodding. “Yes, you do,” he corrected.
Shuichi watched Eiri’s hand as it tugged at the chain around his neck.
Eiri pulled out the chain that held the ring he had given the boy that very first night.
Shuichi’s eyes grew wide. He stared open mouthed at the man he planned on spending the rest of his life with. “Eiri? This…?”
Eiri bent down and planted a kiss on Shuichi’s lips. “I love you,” he whispered, “and would follow you to the ends of the earth.”
Once those words left his mouth, he knew two things.
One, he had made his decision about whether or not he would go to Tokyo or not. Not that it had been much of a decision. Really, what did he have in Kyoto that was so great? His publisher and agent lived in Tokyo. Shuichi, Sakuma and Seguchi would all be going to Tokyo, which meant that Tatsuha and Mika would be as well. There was no way in hell he wanted to be left alone here with his insane family.
Two, that he had been writing romance stories way too long.
Then suddenly he found himself on the floor with a small bundle of pink in his face and he was having a hard time breathing.
“I love you, Eiri!”
Eiri hugged Shuichi back. “I know,” he whispered. “I know.”
***
A/N: Rainbow is a band from the 70’s and 80’s. I’m sure most of your parents have heard of them. They’re a rock/pop band that was always changing band members (except for the guy who founded the band). “Street of Dreams” was one of their last ones from the 80’s before they broke up. It’s one of my favorite songs.
Insert: Alfred, Lord Tennyson called, “In Memoriam AHH” (poem)
“Street of Dreams”, Rainbow (song)
***
Listen to Your Heart (Part 2)
The air inside the car was so heavy and thick, even a chainsaw would not be able to cut through it. An uncomfortable silence hung just as heavy and oppressive.
Tears filled violet eyes, but did not trickle down flushed cheeks. It was almost like there was an invisible barrier stopping them from exposing themselves. Shuichi’s vision blurred behind the veil of salty droplets. He wiped his runny nose on the sleeve of his black suit jacket and sniffed.
Seeing him out of the corner of his eyes, Eiri reached out and slapped his arm.
“Ow,” Shuichi cried out, wincing. He cradled his injured arm to his chest. He stared at his boyfriend in shock and confusion. “What was that for?”
“Use a fucking Kleenex!”
Shuichi became wide eyed before he dropped his head submissively and nodded. He clasped his hands in his lap and stared at his feet blankly. A deep chasm of misery and woe was slowing eating away at him. It was all his fault. He wished a hole would open up and swallow him. The shield cracked under the pressure and the first tear made its slow trek down Shuichi’s cheek. The singer did not even have the energy to reach up and brush it away. He felt like a rag that had been wrung out. Only instead of water, his liveliness was swirling the drain.
After everything that happened this past month, he completely forgot about NG Pro moving to Tokyo some time next year.
He, Hiro and Fujisaki have been working hard to perfect themselves. Shuichi wanted Bad Luck to be the best band in the music business. He wanted to surpass his big brother and Nittle Grasper. He wanted Bad Luck to be one of those rare bands who were around twenty, thirty years from now. He wanted to be on that stage hearing the roar of the crowd and know they were all there to see him; that he was the one they came to see. He wanted to give them something they would still be talking about a decade or two later. He wanted to inspire people to follow their hearts, to make their dreams reality and to do their best. He wanted to make a difference in somebody’s life, to have someone say that if he could do it then so could they. Shuichi wanted it all, but he could not do it alone. His dreams were too big even for him.
Shuichi loved singing and performing for people. It did not matter if it was one person or one-hundred. Music was in his blood. It was the only interest he had and if he were to lose it, he was not sure what he would do.
He was not an academic sort of person, not like Hiro who was practically a genius. He had barely passed junior high. He had not even gone to high school. He probably would have bombed the entrance exams anyway.
School sucked. Classes started too early and ran too late. He hated to study, not that he understood the lessons to begin with. They usually went right over his head. Studying what he already was confused about just made his head spin. Besides, it did not really matter if he did or did not study anyway. His mind went completely blank right before a test and everything he had known vanished, as if he had never learned it in the first place. Even getting a tutor had not helped. And the teachers! They just droned on and on and on. It was as if they liked the sound of their own voices.
For him, school had been kin to torture. It was an establishment meant to punish children and keep them out of their parent’s hair. The only thing that kept him going for as long as he had was his love of music. He joined the school choir in junior high and became a featured soloist. He even joined the school band after the conductor caught him playing the piano in the music room one day. It was where he actually met Hiro.
While he had enjoyed writing, literature had been one the greatest snooze fests because unless it had to do with music or was one of those rare mangas he fell in love with, he always seemed to fall asleep when reading, especially when it came to that crap considered “great works”. It was weird, his eyes just suddenly became heavy and he could not keep them open if his life depended on it. But one poem stuck out in Shuichi’s mind and one stanza in particular from that poem. It was an elegy by Alfred, Lord Tennyson called, “In Memoriam AHH”. The poem was an autobiography of Alfred, Lord Tennyson’s grief, loss and eventual solace over the loss of his close friend Arthur Henry Hallam.
This year I slept and woke with pain,
I almost wish’d no more to wake,
And that my hold on life would break
Before I heard those bells again:
The stanza deals with Tennyson’s thoughts of suicide during the first Christmas without his friend. If Shuichi had not had music in his life, these same dark thoughts would have overwhelmed him even more than they already had.
Now, all his hard work was finally beginning to pay off. Tohma had agreed to sign Bad Luck to a recording contract, not because of Shuichi’s connection to Nittle Grasper, not because his big brother was none other than Ryuichi Sakuma, but because he recognized their talent. This was something Shuichi and the others have been working so hard for and now that he had it, was he just going to give it up so that he could be with Eiri? Did he love the man so much that he could just give up on his dream?
Shuichi gazed at his lover out of the corner of his eye. Eiri was staring straight ahead and concentrating almost obsessively on the road. His golden hazel eyes were narrowed and squinty. His lips were pursed together and his jaw set. Annoyance, anger and frustration were written clearly on his face.
Shuichi twirled his head back around and stared at his feet.
As much as music did for him, it had not completely brought him back into the light. It had not helped him to forget about a father who wished he were never born or a mother who blinded herself to reality, a woman who believed that if you could not see it then it was not there. He still had an empty void inside of him. When Kizou came into his life and offered him an opportunity to forget all his troubles and sorrow, Shuichi took it, believing he found the solution to his despair, the plug that stopped up that giant hole inside of him, but in the end, he had been wrong. Not all the drugs, sex and alcohol helped him to forget. It was like taking a boiling pot off the burner and putting it back on a few moments later. All it did was continue boiling.
That was where Eiri came in. The man came out of nowhere and stole his heart. He burst into his life, grabbed him and walked off with him in tow without apologizing. Eiri was his first in so many respects. He was the first person to accept him for who he was without any hidden agenda. Eiri was the first person he felt comfortable enough around to finally relax and be himself. He made his pulse race and his body react. Eiri made Shuichi’s mouth go in explicably dry and his palms sweat. When they were not together, Shuichi longed to be with him. He was always thinking of the blond writer, the guy was never far from his thoughts. He seemed to always be saying to himself, “I gotta remember to tell Eiri that.” When he went shopping, there was always something that would remind him of the man, or something he would buy with the man in mind. Eiri was everything. Without him, Shuichi was nothing. For the first time in his life, Shuichi felt whole. Eiri filled that void that sat empty in him for so long, an emptiness that even music had not been able to touch.
When it came right down to it, he needed both music and Eiri. If he were to lose one or the other, he would spiral into nothingness.
Shuichi bit his lips and peeked at Eiri.
Eiri had been so furious when he told him about Tohma relocating the record company to Tokyo.
“In the spring, Tohma’s going to…Tohma’s going to, uhm, movingtherecordcompanytoTokyo.”
Eiri stared at Shuichi blankly for several long moments.
Shuichi blushed deeply. He avoided looking at his boyfriend. He could not believe that he had forgotten something like this!
Then it came.
“What?!”
Shuichi bowed his head in shame and guilt. How could he have forgotten something this huge? This changed everything! He felt the prickle of threatening tears, but pushed them aside. Crying now would only make Eiri madder.
Eiri narrowed his eyes and glared at the teen. “This better be some kind of sick joke, Shuichi Shindou.”
Shuichi had nothing to say to that. He wished it were a joke. His silence spoke volumes. Eiri pushed to his feet and stalked back to the car with an air of rage and fury engulfing him, all without saying one word to Shuichi or even acknowledging his presence. The only thing Eiri said to him in the last thirty minutes was, “Get the fuck in the damn car or you’ll be walking back!”
Eiri hated him and it was his fault. Did he no longer want to be with him? Was he going to break up with him and call off the engagement? Was he going to go back on his promise to love and support him and the baby? The thought of Eiri abandoning him as everyone else in his life had gave him a heavy heart. His soft sobs grew into great wails. Everything was finally going right in his life and he had to screw it all up!
Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
Shuichi became blinded by his tears as a sudden onslaught pooled down his face. He covered his mouth as a loud sob filled the silence of the car. His tiny frame shook as he cried. It felt as if his heart had been ripped violently out of his chest.
Hearing Shuichi’s cries tugged at Eiri’s heartstrings. His anger slowly dissolved like a deflating balloon. He hated it when Shuichi cried, especially when it was because of him. It always made him feel so helpless. He had never comforted anyone or been comforted before. He did not know what to do in situations like these. But the boy sounded so miserable! He had to do something. It was eating him up that he was responsible for his unhappiness. Shuichi should be happy. The boy should be smiling and laughing but instead he was sitting in the passenger seat bawling his eyes out.
“Dammit,” he cursed under his breathe.
He glanced around and spotting an empty space along the curb, signaled and pulled over.
Shuichi tensed up when he realized the car was slowing down. Eiri was pulling over?! Had he finally had it with him? Was he going to end it right here instead of waiting until they got home? No, no, no, no, no! A wave of desolation and panic washed over him. His heart started beating triple time. He had to do something! He could not let Eiri walk out of his life!
Despite the seatbelt, Shuichi flung himself onto his boyfriend, gripping his arm tightly through the thick fabric of his suit coat and green button down shirt.
Eiri gasped in surprise. He had to jerk the wheel and slam on the brakes in order to keep from smashing into the parked car in front of him. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he cursed. He hung his head back against the seat and took a long, deep breath, trying to slow down his racing heart. “What the hell are you…?” His voice faded as he turned towards his fiancé and the look of utter terror on his face.
Shuichi stared at the older man with wide teary eyes. Tears coursed down his face and snot drooled from his nose, but he did not care. Holding onto Eiri was the most important thing right now.
“PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME! PLEASE!” He wrapped his arms around Eiri’s chest and buried his tear and snot filled face on his arm.
Eiri blinked, taken back. Leave him? What in the world…? Then everything fell into place. He sighed heavily. Why did Shuichi always jump to the worst case scenario when it came to their relationship?
Shuichi wailed piteously. “I’ll do anything! Just please don’t leave me! PLEASE! I need you! I can’t do this alone!” Shuichi’s voice thickened, his words started to slur. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Tokyo, but so much has been happening that I forgot! Please! Give me another chance! Please! I swear I’ll make it up to you!”
Oh, Shuichi, Eiri thought. His heart broke as he listened to the little idiot.
Turning in the teenager’s arms, Eiri hugged him back just as fiercely. “I need you too,” he whispered.
It was always incredible to watch Shuichi switch from one emotion to another. His tears stopped as if they had never been streaming down his face. He pulled back enough so that he could see Eiri’s face clearly. His face was still a mess and his gorgeous purple eyes glistened with the threat of more tears, but instead of misery clouding his face, a mask of confusion stared back at the writer.
“W-what?”
Eiri snickered, shaking his head in amusement. “You really are an idiot,” he whispered in Shuichi’s ear. He pulled his lover back to him and hugged him tight. “When did I ever say that I was leaving you, huh?”
Shuichi’s eyes started to water again and his chin trembled. He sniffled, on the verge of crying once again. “B-but,” he cried, his voice shaking, “I thought…! I thought you ha-hated me!” He tightened his hold on Eiri.
“Shuichi,” Eiri sighed heavily. “Why would I hate you?”
“I lied to you and you hate me!” A look of fierce possessiveness stole over his face washing away the last of his tears and sorrow. “But I won’t let you go! Ever!”
Eiri smirked. “Good,” he told his lover, rubbing small circles on the kids back.
Shuichi opened his mouth to echo that strong sentiment, but closed it when what Eiri said sunk in. He blinked in surprise and confusion.
Eiri pulled back and reached into the glove compartment.
Shuichi watched as he grabbed something. When Eiri sat back, Shuichi noticed several tissues in his hand.
Eiri looked at the love of his life with a tender smile. He reached out and brushed away a stray tear. “Now, wipe your face off,” he told the boy in a soft but stern voice. “You look like you were hit by an ugly stick and that is not a look I want on my Shuichi.”
Shuichi blushed a deep crimson as he took the Kleenex from the man. He scrubbed his face free of tears and drying snot, then blew his nose. Feeling a little better, he placed the used tissues in the small plastic bag hanging from the console.
“Now,” Eiri said looking straight at his little fiancé, “what is this about me hating you?”
Shuichi bowed his head, playing with the tissue in his hands. His eyes watered. He fought against the downward tug of the corners of his lips.
“Shuichi?” Eiri grabbed Shuichi’s chin and gently lifted the boy’s head. “Shuichi, look at me. Talk to me. What’s going on in that thick skull of yours, huh?”
Shuichi’s chin shook and a tear managed to worm its way down Shuichi’s cheek. He jerked his chin out of Eiri’s grasp and turned his head away. He was not sure if it was because of shame, embarrassment or if he was unable or willing to face the harsh truth of reality like his mother, Shuichi just could not look at Eiri.
Eiri sighed heavily. “You really are Sakuma’s brother, aren’t you?”
Shuichi hooked his heels onto the edge of the seat, wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his cheek on top of his bent knees, facing out the window away from Eiri.
“Shuichi, I don’t hate you.” Eiri reached out and ran his hand over his boyfriend’s soft, silken strands. “I could never hate you. You mean too much to me for me to ever hate you.”
Shuichi felt a little spark of hope flame to life. Lifting his head, he turned to look at the older man, a look of cautious hope in his eyes. “You…you aren’t angry with me for lying to you?”
“I’ll admit that I’m pissed that you would spring this on me like this.” He reached out and grabbed Shuichi’s hand, lacing their fingers together. He smiled at the boy, putting all the feelings he had for the boy behind the force of it. “But I could never hate you.”
He loved this boy more than anything in this world. He was his heart, his soul, his everything. He could not imagine his life without him. Before he saw Shuichi at that bar a year ago, his life had been so bleak and dull.
Eiri had been such a recluse, burying himself in his writing. The only time he went out was for the occasional public appearance he was forced into doing by his agent, when he had to go to the corner market for a few things (like beer and cigarettes) and when he was feeling frustrated he went out for a walk or went to the bar to unwind. Once or twice, he even picked up some woman for a quick fuck. But mostly he kept to himself. He was not the kind of person who liked or felt the need to go out. He hated socializing of any kind. He did not like nightclubs, sports, karaoke bars or parties.
But Shuichi changed all that. He livened up his life. Shuichi was a light bulb in a room that had always been dark. The boy made him realize that when it came down to it, he was only twenty-two and it was high time he started acting like it. Shuichi made him feel…alive. And something else. It was hard to say what exactly. It was something that you just knew instinctively. It was not something that could be explained.
If someone sat him down and asked, “Why did you fall in love with him? What is it about him?”
It is the big purple eyes that were always shinning, the big silly thousand-watt smile he was always wearing, his girlish giggle, the teary puppy dog eyes and cute little pout he could do on a whim in order to get his own way. It was the way Shuichi could make him laugh, even when he was feeling like shit. It was the way Shuichi titled his head almost like a dog when he was listening to you, the way his eyes followed you around the room, the way his cute, tight little ass swung when he walked. It was a thousand different things and at the same time, it was none of those.
Whatever the answer was, Shuichi saw it as clearly as if Eiri said it. They say the eyes were the windows into a person’s soul and Shuichi saw straight into Eiri’s. The boy flung himself at his fiancé and hugged him forcefully. “I love you, Eiri!”
“I know.” He sighed and hugged his idiotic fiancé in a fierce bear hug in lue of an apology. “I didn’t mean to be so cold. You threw me a curve ball out of nowhere and I hate surprises. Moving to Tokyo is not something to throw around lightly. I mean, it’s not something you do on a whim. Moving to another prefecture is a lot more complicated then if you were moving across town, Shuichi.”
Shuichi winced. “I know that.” Now, he added silently. “I’m sorry.”
Eiri shook his head. “It’s fine. Just don’t wait until the last minute to lay something this big on me again, okay?”
Shuichi pulled back and nodded, blushing. He sat back in his own seat and twiddled his fingers in his lap. “So, uhm...” He lifted his eyes and glanced quickly at Eiri before lowering his eyes and blushing deeper. “Does this mean you’re going with me?”
Eiri sat back in his own seat, draping an arm around his lover’s seat and ran his fingers through his blond locks. “I don’t know, Shu. It’s a big change. Let me think about it, okay?”
Shuichi frowned and stared out the window, a deep weight settling over his shoulders and nodded. Frankly, he was still unsure about the move himself. As much as music meant to him, as much as finally making it meant and despite the fact that Hiro and Fujisaki were counting on him, Eiri was right. It was a huge decision.
But, what would happen to them if Eiri decided not to go to Tokyo and he did? Would they be forced to break up? Or could they make a long distance relationship work? Eiri started back up the car and pulled away from the curb into the early evening traffic as a thousand questions and worries drifted through both of their minds.
*
Eiri stopped at the intersection, waiting for the traffic to clear enough for him to turn onto his street. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his lover- now fiancé- holding his chin in the palm of his hand, staring out the window with a blank expression on his face. He knew that look. It meant that Shuichi was trying not to think about something. The writer sighed heavily. Then his eyes slid down to his lover’s flat stomach. A warm smile flitted across his face.
An angry honk behind him scared him out of his seat. Beside him, Shuichi yelped, startled back to the present. Holding his hand up in apology, Eiri turned down his street towards his apartment building, trying to calm his racing heart.
“What were you doing, daydreaming?” Shuichi mock scolded, teasing his boyfriend. A sly grin spread across his face. “Or maybe you got distracted by my sexy good looks.” He gave a sharp laugh when he saw the reddish tint on Eiri’s cheeks. “Ha ha,” he laughed, pointing. “Ei-ri’s blu-shing! Ei-ri’s blu-shing!”
Eiri growled, his blush deepening. “Shut up!”
Shuichi grinned, his eyes sparkling. Feeling better than he had mere moments ago, Shuichi watched as they pulled into the driveway outside Eiri’s apartment building.
Eiri pulled into his assigned parking spot, put the car into park and shut off the engine. In the silence of the car, Eiri realized Shuichi was humming. Releasing his seatbelt, he tried to ignore the boy but something about that melody sounded familiar. He turned towards his lover who was reaching for the door handle. “What are you humming?” he asked curiously.
“Huh?” Shuichi blinked and turned him, his hand resting lightly on the handle.
“That song you were just humming. What is it?”
Shuichi just looked at him blankly. Then his eyes widened and lit up with comprehension. “Oh,” he said, blushing. “It’s that song I’ve been working on.”
Now it was Eiri’s turn to look blankly at Shuichi.
“You know the one I told you about last week when I was watching that anime?”
“Oh. Yeah, I remember.” Shuichi has been humming that tune off and on for the last week. Eiri knew that infernal melody by heart by now, but he still had not heard the lyrics and he had to admit the curiosity was eating at him, not that he would ever admit to that.
The two of them got out of the car and started walking towards the apartment. They reached out simultaneously and clasped each other’s hand, lacing their fingers together. Eiri and Shuichi looked at each other and blushed. Shuichi laid his head on Eiri’s arm.
“Hey,” Eiri said as they walked towards the elevator.
“Hm?”
“Could you sing it for me?” Eiri asked as he pushed the up button.
“Huh?” Shuichi lifted his head and stared at his fiancé in confusion. “You want me to sing to you?”
Eiri scolded himself as he felt his face grow hot. “Yeah,” he said in embarrassment. He scratched the back of his head. Just then, the elevator pinged and the doors slid open.
Shuichi threw him a huge grin as they stepped into the car. “Of course.” He closed his eyes and hummed, trying to get a feel for the music.
Eiri pushed the button for his floor and the doors slid shut. As the elevator ascended to the top floor of the building, Shuichi’s sweet melodious voice filled the entire car. It swirled around them, enveloping them in a soothing peaceful calmness.
I heard the sound of voices in the night
Spellbound there was someone calling
I looked around no one was in sight
Pulled down and I just kept on falling
I've seen this place before
And you were standing by my side
I've seen your face before tonight
Maybe I just see what I want it to be
I know it's a mystery
Do you remember me
On the street of dreams
Running through my memory
On the street of dreams
There you stood a distant memory
So good like we never parted
Said to myself I knew you'd set me free
And here we are right back where we started
Something's come over me
And I don't know what to feel
Maybe this fantasy is real
Now I know I see what I want it to be
But it's still a mystery
Do you remember me
On the street of dreams
Running through my memory
On the street of dreams
You are on every face I see
On the street of dreams
Shuichi hummed the music where he planned to have a guitar solo for Hiro. The man was a clear genius when it came to the guitar and Shuichi planned on letting the rest of the nation know just how the man could let that thing sing. He bopped his head in time to the tune he heard in his head.
Distantly, he felt the elevator jump as it stopped at their floor and heard the ping as the doors slid open. Shuichi opened his eyes and linked his arm with Eiri’s, letting the man escort him to the apartment.
“Is that it,” Eiri asked him, as he dug out his keys.
Shuichi shook his head.
Something's come over me
And I don't know what to feel
Maybe this fantasy is real
Now I know I see what I want it to be
But it's still a mystery
Do you remember me
On the street of dreams
Running through my memory
On the street of dreams
Once again, Shuichi hummed a few bars of music before singing again as Eiri unlocked the apartment door and pushed it open. He stepped back and let Shuichi enter first, then followed him, shutting the door behind them.
Tell me have you always been
[On the street of dreams]
Will we ever meet again my friend
[On the street of dreams]
Do you know just what it means to be
[On the street of dreams]
Never know just who you'll see do ya
[On the street of dreams]
You can be who you want to be oh yeah
[On the street of dreams]
I can hear you calling me
[On the street of dreams]
I can feel you haunting me
Haunting me
Eiri smiled as the song ended. He toed off his shoes and set them besides Shuichi’s then stepped up behind his fiancé and wrapped his arms around the boy’s waist. Resting his chin on his narrow, bony shoulder, Eiri planted a chaste kiss on the side of the boy’s neck. He felt the boy shudder and felt his own excitement stir.
“It’s crap,” he whispered in Shuichi’s ear.
Shuichi’s world came crashing to a sudden halt. “What?!”
Grinning, Eiri let go of the boy and started walking to the bedroom. “I said it’s crap. A zero. A chimp could write something better.”
Shuichi’s jaw dropped. He stared after the man in shock and disbelief. Getting the chance to look at his round tight ass in those tight black slacks was just an added bonus. “Crap?”
“Uh, huh,” Eiri nodded. He paused in the doorway of their bedroom and looked back at the boy who had not moved an inch. “Crap,” he reiterated, a huge smile plastered on his face and his eyes sparkling with mischief.
Shuichi saw that look on his lover’s face and grew angry. “Oo! Eiri Yuki Uesugi!” How dare he tease him like that!
Eiri chuckled as stepped into the bedroom, shedding his clothes as if he were a snake as he strolled to the closet.
“Just for that I’m going to pick out the most expansive engagement ring I can find,” he shouted as he marched into the bedroom.
“Oh?” Eiri questioned the boy with a raised eyebrow. He stepped out of the closet in baggy sweat pants and a tight T-shirt.
Shuichi’s breath hitched at the sight of his lover’s clearly defined chest.
“And who said you didn’t already have your engagement ring?”
Shuichi blinked, yanked out of his intense studying of his lover. “What? I already have it?” He shook his head. “No I don’t.”
Eiri walked across the room, reaching out towards him, nodding. “Yes, you do,” he corrected.
Shuichi watched Eiri’s hand as it tugged at the chain around his neck.
Eiri pulled out the chain that held the ring he had given the boy that very first night.
Shuichi’s eyes grew wide. He stared open mouthed at the man he planned on spending the rest of his life with. “Eiri? This…?”
Eiri bent down and planted a kiss on Shuichi’s lips. “I love you,” he whispered, “and would follow you to the ends of the earth.”
Once those words left his mouth, he knew two things.
One, he had made his decision about whether or not he would go to Tokyo or not. Not that it had been much of a decision. Really, what did he have in Kyoto that was so great? His publisher and agent lived in Tokyo. Shuichi, Sakuma and Seguchi would all be going to Tokyo, which meant that Tatsuha and Mika would be as well. There was no way in hell he wanted to be left alone here with his insane family.
Two, that he had been writing romance stories way too long.
Then suddenly he found himself on the floor with a small bundle of pink in his face and he was having a hard time breathing.
“I love you, Eiri!”
Eiri hugged Shuichi back. “I know,” he whispered. “I know.”
***
A/N: Rainbow is a band from the 70’s and 80’s. I’m sure most of your parents have heard of them. They’re a rock/pop band that was always changing band members (except for the guy who founded the band). “Street of Dreams” was one of their last ones from the 80’s before they broke up. It’s one of my favorite songs.