Watari Pt 2: Wammy's House

Mello turned suddenly on the stairs. Three steps behind him, the redhead paused, looking up with his fingers around the cigarette in his mouth. The stained glass behind him reflected light from the hallway, but the bannister cast shadows. Matt waited, but there was neither word or movement from the Slav. "I set the alarms."



"I don\'t think you\'re going mad." Mello spoke eventually, staring back at him. "I think you\'re finally letting yourself feel emotions." He twisted around and continued up to the landing. He practically jogged into their bedroom. Matt followed at a more sedate pace to be met by Mello standing in the doorway. "It\'s a good thing. A complete pain in the freaking arse when you\'re bouncing off the extremities, but nevertheless a good thing."



Matt stood on the landing. "Well, that\'s my life sorted out. Thanks, Mello."



"I\'m just trying to work out if we\'re now seeing the real Matt or if you\'re going to settle down into something between the two."



"Two?"



"I mean the Matt that you normally are." Mello stepped back into the bedroom and started unzipping his leather top. "Now before anyone initiates sex, we need a game plan for tomorrow. There\'s no way you are going back to Wammy\'s House, if you\'re going to act like you did this evening." He reached out, seemingly without looking, and slid his fingers beneath the metal of Matt\'s collar. Mello drew him closer, then turned to face him with a seductive smile on his face. "So what\'s it going to be, you incredibly sexy man? Are you going to go down in history as the person who reformed the orphanage or will you further traumatise damaged children, by commiting murder in their safe house?"



Matt inhaled on his cigarette. "Remember when you had your breakdown?"



"Distinctly."



"You told me afterwards that you\'d worked out how to thwart my mind."



Mello flinched. "Mail, I was wrong. I shouldn\'t have done that to you."



"Only you\'re doing it right now."



His collar was dropped like it was a hot iron and Mello stumbled backwards. Confusion wracked his features and real fear flashed into his eyes. He sounded extremely uncertain as he whispered, "I\'m not."



Matt stretched and turned to wander away to his side of the bed. "Pwnt."



"What?" Mello\'s hand fluttered at his mouth, the other on his rosary. "Mail, what do you think I\'m doing to you?"



Matt touched his bedside cabinet with one gloved hand, then thought better of it. "Mello, I\'m going to have a joint in my room. I\'ll be back in a bit." He sauntered back to the door. "Don\'t worry about it. It\'s gone. It\'s over." He stepped out into the dark landing and made his way to his study. Electronic life appeared on the games screen, his XBox powered into life. The computers were never switched off in here and Matt paused now in front of one of them, bringing up his music server and selecting a tune. Wireless headphones fitted, he began to skin up, as the haunting melody hummed in his ears. It comforted and reminded him, in memories laden with feeling, of the path that had brought him here.



Turning to sort through a stack of games, Matt caught a movement and jumped, startled. Mello stood there, like a ghost, pale and desolate. Matt took off the headphones, but his husband had already seen what he was playing. As soon as they were removed, Mello gushed out, "Don\'t shut me out, please, Mail. You\'re listening to \'Furious Angels\', so I know you\'re feeling in need of reassurance that I\'m not leaving. I\'m not going anywhere. It\'s you keep pushing me away, not the other way round."



Matt let his gaze shift towards the XBox, hoping that Mello would just take the hint. "Angel, I\'ve upset you. I\'m sorry. I just need five minutes, ok?"



"I\'m sorry, no."



Matt stared, "What?"



Mello stared right back. "You\'ve done nothing but distract yourself since the moment we left Wammy\'s." He gave a little shrug. "You looked up ETA, you sat in the pantry and now you want to get stoned and play on your games. I\'ve tried being understanding, I\'ve tried shouting at you, I\'ve tried giving you time. To be honest, if this was going to stay in our house, I\'d give you all the time you need, but tomorrow we are supposed to be back at Wammy\'s House. You might see this as game paused and you able to walk right back in there picking up where you left off, but it\'s not. I\'m telling you now that I am not prepared to let you go back in the mood you\'ve been in today."



"All hail the children\'s champion."



"It\'s more that I can see you hurting really badly and therefore liable to do something really stupid that you\'ll regret when you calm down again." Mello pointed towards the joint between Matt\'s fingers. "If you light that, you will be too stoned to have a proper conversation. If we reach the point where we should be leaving this house and we haven\'t had that conversation, I will take steps. Then all of your hard work in preparing to reform the place will be in vain." He turned and left the study, his footsteps slow and heavy on the landing carpet.



Matt stared down at his fingers. Mello didn\'t understand. That was the long and short of it. Mello was more like Near than he\'d be comfortable knowing, because they both bought into the system despite Mello\'s overt support. Mello and Near were the shining golden children of the Watari Network. If the system was corrupt, then they were the biggest fools in having stretched themselves within it for so long. Mello had his pride and he had his tremendous capacity for love. Matt knew that he put those two feelings in conflict for the man, but, if it came to a choice, Mello would always choose Matt over his own pride. The redhead looked up. He could see Mello sitting on the edge of their bed, his head in his hands. Matt exhaled loudly. "Fucking, bastard, wanking shit." He switched off his music and his XBox, put down the cannabis joint and sloped off back to their bedroom. Mello didn\'t look up as he entered, so Matt stood just inside the door. "You speak like you want the reforms made, but I know that\'s because you care about me. I know that we\'re ideologically opposed on this one, but you\'re willing to let me do it anyway."



From the depths of his hair, Mello rasped, "I would have really liked to have taken Communion every week as a child. It might have made it so that it\'s not too late to take it now as an adult."



Matt frowned, his breath catching, "You\'re on my side for real?"



"Is that so strange?" Mello sat back up. His eyes were dry. "Yes, Matt, I\'m on your side for real." He opened his arms and, after a moment\'s hesitation, Matt sat beside him and leaned into the cuddle. "Same message, over and over again, until you finally hear it. You are not alone. You have people who care about you. You are loved. Please stop rationalising away every display of that as something self-serving on the part of those doing it."



"I think \'people\' is stretching it a bit."



"Me, Ann," Mello kissed him, "maybe even the others. Their presense at Near\'s HQ could have been self-serving, but their presense in your meeting is a little more ambiguous, don\'t you think? I am, of course, speaking as one of them." He flashed a smile. "Now that I\'ve calmed down a bit over you being taken from me, I was able to look around that room earlier and see those people for who they really are. I could appreciate the contribution that each one of them made to getting you home safely again. Then, while you were talking about the rights taken from us, my mind was slotting in instances that could serve as examples. Real life ones, I mean, gleaned from their lives, as well as ours." He squeezed Matt against him. "I guess you can say that you succeeded in humanising them in my head."



"I did?"



"I\'m guessing you did it for all of us." Mello smiled. "But it\'s only just occurred to me that that wasn\'t actually your intention. They aren\'t real people in your head, are they? They are a means to an end." He sniggered. Then stopped and ran his fingers slowly through the back of Matt\'s hair. "And..."



Matt waited, but the rest of the sentence wasn\'t forthcoming. "Just say it, Mello."



"I didn\'t say it because it\'s a bit inappropriate." He sniffed. "Ok, I was just going to comment that the back of your neck is really cute. You\'ve got these little red hairs that pop out in all directions, then get longer just around here." He drew a line with his finger.



Matt drew away slightly and met his husband\'s gaze. "Was that really what you were about to say?"



Mello flushed a little. "Yes." He bit his lip. "Can you see why I stopped saying it?"



Matt laughed, then bowed his head back over Mello\'s shoulder. "Thank you for being honest. What are you thinking about me at the moment?"



"I\'m mostly still fascinated by the back of your neck." Mello grinned. "But I can expand." He took a deep breath. "I think that every button in you has been pressed over the last week, so you\'ve reset yourself into blaze of glory mode. Your ultimate ambition is to redesign the world so that it contains all of the things that you like, but also leaves you alone. You\'re panicking over the Mario Clause; you\'re traumatised by being locked in that cave; and you\'ve accidentally opened the locked rooms in your mind that contained all of the injustice and pain of your childhood. The only place you can kick back is Wammy\'s House, so you are. So, what are you thinking about me?"



"That the real Mihael is a gentle soul, who\'s been made to put on all of those layers of brutality just to survive." Matt felt Mello shift underneath him. "No, you are. But for all your intellect, you got it wrong about my masochism. You think it\'s all about possession and sometimes it is. Like when I asked you to own me after we got back, after I was abducted, yes, that was possession. I really needed that like I can\'t tell you and you delivered it."



"I know." Mello kissed the back of his neck. "But you are mixing up the capacity to be gentle with me actually being gentle."



"I feel like my head is above the parapet and it\'s going to get shot off at any moment."



Mello exhaled. "Finally." His hand moved downwards to rub Matt\'s back. "How about if I help rearrange your world to make it more Matt-friendly?"



"How?"



"For a start, I could chair your meeting tomorrow for you. I don\'t see any reason why not, because we were already reaching the point where Near and I were pretty much bound to contribute. In fact, it looks strange that we haven\'t so far, when you\'ve been trying to create a democratic situation. It\'s not about L, it\'s about the fact that Near and I were also children in that institution. The fact that you blatantly silenced us is contributing to the suspicion, on the part of the others, that you are playing a game here. Unleash us and let me do the speaking for you." Mello smiled as Matt relaxed slightly in his arms. "It\'s still your show and I\'ll make that absolutely clear. There is no-one in that room who doesn\'t know you. They\'ll all grasp immediately what\'s happening. However, if I so much as hear a beep out of whatever game you\'re taking with you, then I\'m sitting down again. Understood?"



"Yes." Matt mumbled into his shoulder. "Thank you."



"Is that also taking away the need for me to physically hurt you? I\'m assuming that is where the \'you\'re so gentle\' comments were leading." Matt shook his head and Mello sighed. "Have we reached no fucking compromises in the last few days? For crying out loud, Matt! I\'ve had you every which way I could..."



Matt struggled out of his arms and raced out onto the landing. It took a second for Mello to react. Matt reached his study an instant before Mello did and closed the door in his face. He leapt over the arm of his settee and curled up on it. Of course, there was no key in the lock, so it didn\'t take Mello long to realise that simply turning the doorknob meant that he had gained access. As soon as the door opened, Matt yelled, "Just fucking leave me alone!"



Mello yelled back. "You don\'t want me to leave you alone! You want me to beat shit out of you and fuck you until you can\'t walk." He rounded the settee. "Mail, don\'t fucking run away from me! We were getting somewhere in there." He tapped the top of the settee with his hand. "Now look at you, crying because I won\'t hurt you. Can you actually see yourself? Can you see how fucked up you are?"



"Just leave me alone."



"Get your fucking clothes off now."



Matt froze. He shifted an arm so he could peep out, but his goggles were stained with tears. He removed them cautiously and his right cheekbone felt the relief of not having an edge pressed into it. Mello looked furious. His eyes were flashing and his temper was obviously being kept in check only by a momentous effort. Contrary to popular belief, this was actually an unusual state for Mello. He ranted, flared up, screamed the place down and became overwhelmed by his emotions on regular occasions, but his real rage tended to come out icily. Cold and calculating was Mello at his angriest. Real temper, like he was displaying now, full of bubbling volcanic pressures, was really rare to see. "But you didn\'t want to."



Mello erupted, screaming at him, "Since when did what I want count for anything in this fucking relationship?" He kicked the side of the settee. "You are doing my fucking head in! What do you want, Mail? You want me to hit you, then get your bastard clothes off and I\'ll give you everything you ask for."



Matt curled tighter into himself, fully aware that if Mello attacked him now, there would be none of the control that he normally exhibited. Their sex-life was not the frenzy it could sometimes seem. It was Mello being very carefully and precisely violent. Right now, Matt was honestly afraid. "I\'m sorry."



"Right." Mello barked, though he gave no indication what that meant. Instead he turned and ran out of the room, into his own study. The door slammed shut behind him, then shook against its hinges with the force of the kick delivered against it. Matt emerged from the shell of his own arms and peered over the top of the settee. He could only deduce that this was Mello\'s way of calming down before someone got killed, because Mello did not run away from a confrontation. He never had and, until this moment, Matt thought that he never would. He could hear the angry words spouting out from across the landing. Mello was evidently just the other side of his door. There was periodically a thump as something got punched or thrown. Then silence, which, in many ways, was worse.



Matt waited, but nothing happened. He eventually left the sanctuary of the settee and crept into his doorway, his whole body tensed against immediate flight. He dared not step forward. Several floorboards had a tendency to creak in this area and there was nothing wrong with Mello\'s hearing. Matt could hear nothing from behind the door across the landing. He waited, debating his options. Mello would only have fled like that if he believed himself in immediate danger of killing, maiming or otherwise irrevocably damaging the redhead. However, the denotation was already over, which meant that, logically, Mello should either come raging out on the pyroclastic flow of his own emotions, or else he was beating himself up for being so stupid as to lose his temper. The evidence pointed towards the latter, but there was no evidence. There were no sniffs, no quiet thuds and no snapping of chocolate bars. Matt glanced back into his own room, staring longingly at his XBox. If it came to a contest in waiting, then Matt knew he could win. He could sit playing for hours, all night if it came to it. But could he do that knowing that, at any minute, Mello could burst in? There were any number of states that the blond could work himself into.



Quarter of an hour passed before Matt stubbed out his third cigarette, in the ashtray in his hand, and steeled himself against the inevitability of his actions. Mello was patently not coming out, which was downright ominous in its lack of precedence. Matt reached beneath his small table and took out a bar of chocolate, which he stashed into the back of his jeans pocket, then lit a fourth cigarette. He tried to tell himself that he was venturing in there because of concern for Mello, but there was an unsavoury truth underpinning it. Mello was ignoring him. Matt felt neglected out here and that hurt. He took a deep drag on his cigarette and crossed the landing. He knocked lightly on the door, but there was no response. Truly fearing now for Mello\'s safety, Matt opened the door.



Mello was sitting calmly on his own settee, reading yet another biography of Nikola Tesla. He didn\'t look up, as he commented evenly, "You\'re being a twat. I thought you should know."



Matt stared, still holding onto the door. "What?"



"You\'re being a twat." Mello raised his head and glanced in his husband\'s direction. "I\'m prepared to talk with you only if you\'ve crawled back out from your own arse, otherwise forget it." He returned to his book, which was, Matt noted, entitled \'Prodigal Genius\'. Mello was slowly sucking on his chocolate, moving it from one side of his mouth to the other, which was why he was being so quiet about it. It wasn\'t even that he was only pretending to read. He turned a page and his eyes moved at their normal pace over the words. He was, indeed, far more interested in the dead genius recreated in print than he was in the live one hanging off his door.



Matt couldn\'t stand it. He took another drag on his cigarette, then wandered back to his own doorway to put it out in the ashtray abandoned there. Then he strolled back into Mello\'s study and stood beside the settee. Mello didn\'t even look up. "I would like it very much if you would take over the meeting tomorrow. It\'s too important to get lost because it looks like it\'s only revenge with me. It\'s not. I\'ve had those files being gradually prepared ever since I found out about the Mario Clause and signed Roger\'s bit of paper."



"Ok."



"I can\'t tell you what else is wrong with me, because I don\'t know myself. I think you\'re right, I\'ve just reached the end of my tether, plus things keep happening. It feels like I can\'t get over one before the next big thing happens and..." Matt paused. Mello had taken his hand, then leaned forward to calmly place the book on the table. He had the blond\'s full attention. "Like you having your skin grafts; then going to Croatia; then the reunion; then everyone getting killed; then getting abducted; then you finding out about the Mario Clause; then all this with Wammy\'s and Roger and my history. My name." Matt bit his lip, hating how whiny and miserable he sounded; but Mello was watching him with an encouraging look on his face. "I know it\'s wrong, but I don\'t feel like you\'re on my side."



"Why not?" It wasn\'t spoken as an accusation, but as an expression of interest.



Matt frowned. It was difficult to put it into words. "For a lot of irrational reasons or things that you\'ve told me don\'t matter."



"I am on your side, but ok." Mello let the chocolate swim momentarily out between his teeth. "It doesn\'t matter about these things being irrational, they are stuck in your head. The reality of the problem is irrelevant, if the perception of the problem is there. Come and sit down." His hand pulled against Matt\'s and guided him onto the cushion beside him. "What things are conspiring to make you believe I\'m not on your side?"



"I was stupid enough to get taken away from you. The Mario Clause scared the fucking life out of me and mostly because of what your reaction would be. Then," Matt patted his pockets and found his packet of cigarettes, "I thought you were against me, deep down, over my changes to the system at Wammy\'s House. Then way you were just dismissive of my real name and my history and everything. Oh! And when I saw that projection of you on the landing and everything. Then you\'re choosing now, of all the times in the world, to go into a not hurting me phase. I feel like I\'m going mad and you are sexually treating me like you did when you went mad." Tears overspilled now and he wiped them on the sleeve of his shirt. "Like I said, irrational or things you\'ve said don\'t matter."



Mello nodded. "You\'re right in your evaluation of them, but let me address them one by one." He squeezed Matt\'s hand. "You left this house with the best intentions. If I had been here alone, then I would have gone to help Hollow too. It\'s easy to say that the pair of us could have beaten that set up, but not necessarily. They were listening in, so we would not have been called out together. They were always waiting for a moment when it was only one of us. You got the short straw. I am not angry with you for being abducted. I\'m angry with them for putting you through it." His mind ticked off a mental checklist and sighed at the entry on it. "Your reaction over the Mario Clause is quite touching. Any fault is actually mine. I\'ve been so anal about becoming the best, that I forced that situation, not you. That you cared enough not to want to upset me is flattering, in a twisted sort of way. I apologise for doing that to you. Your deduction of my probable reaction was sound, as you could not know that I value you more than those fucking rankings. I gave you no cause to believe that I do."



"Thank you."



"Ergo the changes of the system. Yes, I admit that I still have reservations, but you have argued a convincing case both here and at Wammy\'s. You\'ve given me food for thought and so far everything that I\'ve considered has concurred roughly with your conclusions. I\'m not saying that we agree on every point, but I don\'t think you\'d want me to. If either of us wanted a \'yes\' man as a partner, we certainly wouldn\'t have chosen each other." Mello winked. "There\'s a lot of potential though and, in the balance, I\'m leaning ideologically onto your side. Naturally, as your husband, I\'d have supported you anyway. As a Wammy\'s House alumni, I\'m becoming convinced, ok?"



Matt nodded. "Do you think the others are too?"



"I think they might. I\'m not guaranteeing that, because there\'s also a lot of personal enmity to overcome. But they might." Mello smiled as Matt glanced at him. "Stop looking so worried. I was pissed off because you weren\'t talking to me. You\'re talking to me now, so I\'m fine. What was next?" His mind conjured up the list again. "Your name and history. I\'m not dismissive, Matty. I think you\'re going a little over-board without checking the facts, but that\'s understandable. All I\'m trying to do is ensure that we keep a rational head about something that is justifiably emotive for you. I will investigate it. I will make it my priority and I will share with you everything that I find out. All that I\'m asking is that you don\'t go rushing off to the Basque Country, throwing your lot in with a cause that you only really discovered today, just because you think it will fill that gaping hole inside you. At best, it\'s a placebo. At worst, you could be killed. No, at worst, you could have to live with things that you had to do as a man of violence." Mello pointed to all of the monitors. "Why do we have so much security, Matty?"



"Because you\'re heir to the L title and I\'m next in line. We\'re targets."



Mello shook his head. "That\'s a minor reason. The major one, to my mind, is that you don\'t just leave the Mafia. One day someone will come looking for me and I plan on them not reaching me." He flashed a strained smile. "We will never be safe again because of the decisions I made when I was still a child. That\'s the truth. Now, I\'m not saying that ETA haven\'t just cause. To be honest, I have no opinion either way on their cause. What I do know is that they believe themselves to be fighting a war. I also know that the Spanish and French governments consider them to be terrorists. You walk into the middle of all that and I believe that news like you will get around. An heir to the L title taking up arms in a struggle? I doubt even our security will fend off the sort of people that the English government would be duty-bound to send to apprehend you. I don\'t know what ETA would do if you deserted once you understood what it\'s like. Would they come all over here to find you? I honestly don\'t know. But I do know that our home is fortress enough because of my baggage. I would prefer you didn\'t add more potential threats to our peace."



Matt had already lit his cigarette. He cast around now for an ashtray. "Hold that thought." He croaked, as he darted up and recovered the one from his doorway. "My mind\'s still reeling from it all. I\'m Milo Heras, aren\'t I?" He frowned. "But the name sounds foreign to me. I mean it doesn\'t sound like my name. That really rankles. My age was exploited. I was only three, I couldn\'t reason out the evidence. By the time I could, then I\'d been told I was Mail Jeevas so many times that I believed it. When I wrote that name on the tanker, I must have known that I was writing Milo Heras."



"Not necessarily." Mello injected as much kindness as he could into his gaze. "As far as we know, you are basing your name on a single hearing. You have got the most amazing memory I have ever encountered, but that is reliant on the original imput of information being correct. Two potential flaws here. You misheard being one of them and the other being that the name spoken did not relate to you." Beside him, Matt flinched. Pain stabbed deeply into the oldest wound on his psyche. "I\'m sorry. I\'m speaking academically. The reality, of course, is that you are Mail Jeevas-Keehl and nothing is going to alter that fact. You may have misheard Heras as \'he-baz\', you then tried to spell it. Your spelling was genius, for a three year old, remember that fact." Matt leaned across and Mello wrapped his arms around him. "Love you, Mail." Mello kissed him. "From an objective point of view there is Hell of a lot of conjecture to overcome before we can say, with any certainty, that you are Milo Heras. It\'s based on the supposition that," Mello counted out the points on his fingers over Matt\'s arm, "a) Cisco Heras had a son; b) that son was called Milo; c) that son bore Cisco\'s surname and not the mother\'s; and d) you are that son."



"My memories are concurrent with all of those things being true."



"Which is the strongest argument in their favour, but I still want to investigate it fully being you are emotionally hurt anymore. We will return to this conversation, Mail. I promise you. But for now let me finish our original discussion, before I forget what was said." Mello recalled his mental list again. "The projection of me on the landing and our perennial argument about sex. The first one, it might have looked like me, but that was a spectre that ultimately originated in your own head. I can\'t be held responsible for its views, because they are your views placed in my mouth. There is an issue there. There\'s a big issue there, in fact, but nothing which should impact whether or not you believe me to be on your side." Mello\'s hand slid down Matt\'s arm, resting finally on his wrist. Matt glanced up at him and Mello smiled. Then there was a sudden movement and Matt shrieked, as his arm was twisted high behind his back. "Oh yes. You in pain fucking turns me on no end." Mello licked down the side of Matt\'s face, finding his lips and kissing them suggestively. "Beautiful. Has that answered the final point?"



Matt sucked in a breath, gasping out, "You\'re fucking breaking my bastard arm!"



"And?"



"There\'s masochism and there\'s breaking my fucking arm!"



"I can break it if I want. I own you." Mello purred, but nontheless released his grip. "Better now?"



"Much better. Thank you." Matt began to ease his arm back, but it was captured again and just held. The redhead laughed. "What?" He asked. Mello smirked back at him. "You\'re playing with me, like cat and mouse."



"Yep." Mello grinned. "But you\'ve stopped crying and whinging, I\'ve noticed."



"Am I still being a twat?"



Mello shook his head. "No. Thank you for meeting me halfway. Only I really did mean that you in pain is a great turn on for me. I conquered you, Matty, a long time ago. Now I plan to use you, as befits the quality of my prize."



"Orly?" Matt smiled wantonly back.



"Yes. Only for Christ\'s sake, will you please stop saying \'orly\' whenever you\'re trying to say \'oh really\'? It really does my head in." Mello bowed his head to kiss him again. "I\'m on your side, baby. Now, let me fuck the arse off you."



"Ok."