All The Way Here

"I got you a beer." Mello handed it to his bathed and ointmented lover. The blond\'s expression appeared fixed now in that schizophrenic flashing between deep concern and anger. "Are you sure you\'re alright now?"



"You wouldn\'t believe me if I said I felt great." Matt shrugged and winced. He lay on his front, on a bed stripped of covers and quilt, intent upon the game in his hand. The beer became balanced against a bruised wrist and the edge of the plastic. Mello nodded and turned to leave again, back to the kitchen area, where the washing machine was spinning. "I do feel great though. Inside."



"What goes through your mind?" Mello span around again, words lashing at the air around him. "I mean, what...? How does...?"



"I\'m not the one freaking out." Matt replied, mildly. "You\'re the one changing the rules."



Mello stopped dead. "What?"



"Two secs, let me just get this level." The sound of rapid clicking filled the room, Matt twitching occasionally as his character had to make swift movements. Mello ran out of things to pick up and put right. He hated the sensation of standing there aimlessly, so sat and sucked on his chocolate. He watched as Matt visibly relaxed and grinned at the little monitor in his hands. "Woot."



"Matty? Can I have your attention now please?" The blond matched his casual tone for the first time since they had had sex. Matt sighed, but turned his head nontheless. "Right, I admit I\'m a sadistic fucker. I also admit that I have, over the few days, been, erm..."



"Really fucking weird?"



"I might have lost my edge a bit." Mello snapped back. "Me and you, we\'re sometimes out of control. We just egg each other on, else, and then." He gestured towards Matt\'s discoloured back. "One of us has to try and hold us back a bit. Else we\'re going to end up killed before Kira has even found us."



"I wish you could hear yourself." Matt shook his head.



"Oh! For fuck\'s sake, grow up!" Mello shouted, fists clenching. "You treat everything like it doesn\'t matter, but it matters! I look at you and I look at me and I look out there at the world and it all seems like it\'s... really bad. This isn\'t the time for joking around. I know you bury shit and it comes out like it shouldn\'t, but..." He stopped, frustrated beyond coherency, and counting for calm. "I know you don\'t want to hear this. All credit to you that you haven\'t switched that bloody game back on. I know you don\'t want to know. Sometimes I don\'t want to hurt you, because you\'re keeping me sane. Ok?"



Matt blinked at him from behind the goggles. "And sometimes you do."



"But right now I don\'t!" Mello fist crashed down on the arm of his chair.



"A couple of hours ago you did." Matt shrugged. "Don\'t put all of this onto me. You weren\'t the one tied to the railings."



"That doesn\'t mean I was the one calling the shots!" Mello froze, staring like a rabbit caught in headlamps. An instant calm descended and his eyes took on the intensity of fathoming a puzzle. He sat back and sucked on chocolate.



"Oops, the great Mello talked himself into a corner." The redhead smirked from the bed. "Throw something at me when you\'ve reached a conclusion." The game was turned on again.



"No, turn it off. All this means is that it\'s a perfect example of egging each other on." He countered, pensively. "Yes, it is. You\'re absolutely right, I was right there with you. I was so turned on, in fact, that I got carried away and it spiralled out of control. This just backs up what I was saying in the first place." Mello turned the perspective around in his mind and nodded when he found that his reasoning was sound. "Someone has to tone us down."



"Am I allowed a take on the issue?" Matt asked, staring at his game, though the stillness of his thumbs betrayed the fact that he wasn\'t playing it. Mello indicated with a flick of his hand that he should go on. "I think you\'re so busy trying to be number one genius of the world that you don\'t give yourself credit as a human being. Not just now, but when we were kids too. You missed more nights\' sleep and more meals than anyone else in there. You\'ve never given yourself a break. Ever." His fingers tapped against the side of the game. "Your body is something to be used as an extension of that brilliant mind of yours. You use it like Linda uses a blank canvas, to create great art to create an impression. All this leather and guns, it\'s just another bit of methodology in the solving of the puzzles. Your body is more than that. It\'s something that needs food and sleep; it\'s something that can feel pain."



"Where\'s this going?"



"You wanted my take." Matt turned to look at him again. "Your mind is more than just a machine for churning out intelligent things. You\'ve had your world torn apart so many times. The first time when you were way too young. No-one should have to go through that kind of shit so young." He grit his teeth and it was obvious to them both that he wasn\'t just thinking of Mello there. "I\'m amazed you never cracked up, in truth. You\'re too stubborn to go insane."



"Oh great, an armchair psychiatrist."



"You lash out because you\'re covering up the fact that inside there\'s still a really scared kid." Matt smiled to soften his words. "You hate the fact that you feel fear; it gets in the way. Your trouble is that it comes out anyway. Fear of Hell; fear of losing to Near; fear of losing me; fear of not being the most amazing thing that walked the earth; fear of actually being the most amazing thing... you get my drift. Mello, what you haven\'t worked out yet is that you\'ve earned the right to be scared. I\'ve never met anyone with the courage that you have, who keeps on going, no matter what." He touched his lip. "Personally, I think I\'m more scared of catching Kira than not catching him, because when this is over, you\'ll run out of something to fight and what happens then? Twenty-one years of crap has to be felt and dealt with."



"I love how you think you\'re talking about me."



"I am, Mello. You were born in a war and you\'ve grown up in a war. Right now, all of this with Kira, it\'s the biggest fucking world war ever and we\'re soldiers. I know it." Matt tried to move to face him more fully, but cringed at the screaming agony of his back. "My take on the issue is this: we\'re probably going to end up dead anyway, so why hold back? I don\'t see myself as any kind of hero, but I\'m damned well determined to live my life right up until the end. As for you, you had the biggest trauma yet when you were forced to blow up a building with people in it. You would never admit it, but that scar hurts you in dozens of different ways because you can\'t see it as a medal of bravery. It\'s penance for the people killed; it\'s a constant graze on your self-esteem, because you let it get to the stage where that was the only option. It kills you because you can\'t see that you are still beautiful. More so even than you were before. Trust me, I\'ve been ogling you for years. I consider myself an expert on the subject of how gorgeous you are."



Mello\'s cockiness had dissolved. He sat still, feline, staring back with his features blankly masked. Quietly, he whispered. "Thank you." But his fists were clenched.



"So what you need to do is remember your humanity. Tell yourself it\'s ok to be traumatised by really traumatic events; tell yourself it\'s ok to be scared, when you can feel your world disintegrating again. It\'s not a weakness. That\'s Near talking; you know feelings are important." Matt inspected his wrist. "And most of all, remember that my psychology doesn\'t follow linear lines and mostly exists to fuck with yours. \'kay?"



"Matt." Mello straightened his hands and appeared the perfect picture of poised relaxation. "What ranking were you at The Wammy House before you hacked the scores?"



The redhead shot back, then shrieked at the overwhelming agony that wracked his body. "Oh fucking Hell!" He arched and rolled over, squirming with a pillow pulled down over his head. "I was third, Mello." The pain receded in waves. "Hold on, which time?"



Mello laughed, surprising himself. He uncurled from the chair and joined his lover on the bed. "How do you always make it alright again?"



"I know about chocolate." Matt spoke from under the pillow. Then smiled up as Mello lifted it off. "Oh no! I\'m naked, you\'re on my bed. Owned!"



The blond leaned down to kiss him. "That\'s the most I\'ve ever heard you say, except when you\'re talking about games. I still stand by what I said though, about toning it down. I hate seeing you like this."



"We\'ll see." Matt reached up to stroke Mello\'s hair. "What time is it?"



"Gone two am."



"Really?" Matt\'s eyes widened. "Happy birthday!"



"Thank you." Mello reached to help as Matt struggled to sit up. "I should sort out the covers on here. The washing machine..." He was silenced with a kiss. Then protested as Matt attempted to leave the bed. "Stop. What do you want? I\'ll get it."



"I can walk, it\'s ok."



"You couldn\'t half an hour ago." The blond held out a hand to steady his lover. "God, I\'m so sorry."



"Don\'t be." Matt shuffled painfully across to his hold all and, wincing, crouched beside it. He waved Mello back onto the bed, then unzipped the bag. "Mmm." Goggles up, green eyes peered back to the bed. "I\'m doing this in the kitchen."



"No." Mello smirked. "Do it here. Whatever it is."



"Ok. But you go and get that washing you were talking about then."



"No, I want to stay here." His blond head bobbed up trying to see into the bag. "What you doing?"



Matt surrendered to the inevitability of things and merely used his body to shield the view. There were sounds of ripping cardboard and his hand came out. "Chuck my lighter please." It flew through the air and Matt caught it easily in his left hand, groaning involuntarily at the sharpness in his shoulder. A moment later he produced a double chocolate gateaux, complete with birthday candle, and held it aloft. He sang, \'Happy Birthday to You\', as Mello unfurled himself from the bed and hurried over, sinking to his knees with an expression of pure delight. "Make a wish."



A flash of fierce intensity, as Mello silently directed the fire magic, then blew out the candle to send it. "Oh! Matt! It\'s wonderful!" He clapped his gloved hands together and claimed his cake. "Thank you!" A kiss. "How did you sneak that in?"



"That\'s for me to know." Matt eased himself back around and into the bag, pulling out a wrapped present. "Here you are and remember the chocolate in the fridge."



"I haven\'t forgotten about it." Mello grimaced with the look of one who had been visiting it for a week, just to look. Matt counted it every day. "I can eat it now!" Another kiss. "What\'s this? You already got the ring, which I love and the chocolate."



"It\'s a surprise." Matt replied smugly, resolving never to tell Mello about the ninja escapade he had undertook in buying it. Mello tore the paper off it, revealing a book underneath. "Reading matter that will give you a break." It was \'Chocolat\' by Joanne Harris. "While you\'re eating your posh chocolate."



"I love you."



"Yeah." Matt shrugged. "I guess I love you too."