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My Sun, My Supernova	By : ditchgospel Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 3283 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 24
- 25
- 26
My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 25

Shadows

The halls of the monastery are somber and serene, graced with nothing but the
daily routine of life dedicated to religious service. Everything here is orderly
and as it should be, until...

One day, four visitors arrive in a jeep, and things change.

Among the ragtag group of new arrivals, there is only one who is whole in
both body and in mind, and it is this man who greets the monks and explains the
situation. Then, one by one, under the watchful eyes of the monks, he brings his
three blood-soaked companions into the shelter of the temple.

Of the three, the tall man with the long crimson hair is the only one who is
conscious. The other two, the smaller, injured one, and the blond, are carried
in with care. But the one who draws the most curiosity and interest from the
audience of monks is the blond, for this is Genjo Sanzo. If it had
not been for the scripture as evidence, the monks would never have believed
Hakkai's story. But, as it is, they will not refuse help to the keeper of the
Maten Scripture, no matter how insane he may have become.

And so, Sanzo, Hakkai, Gojyo and Goku are forced to put their westward trek
on hold, and the waiting begins.

XXX

Gojyo lies at ease with his hands behind his head, an unlit cigarette
dangling from his lip. He turns his head until he can see the other occupant in
the room, sitting cross-legged on the floor with a cup of tea and a book.

"You know, Hakkai, I still can't believe what Goku did. I can't
believe what you almost did."

Hakkai glances up and smiles faintly.

"To be honest, neither can I."

"You know what else I can't believe, Hakkai? I can't believe you
didn't do it."

There is a moment of silence as Hakkai thinks back on the events of that day,
when Goku had turned so brutally against them.

"Perhaps I should have, but... it felt wrong. If Sanzo didn't kill Goku
himself..."

"You don't think he tried?"

"I'm not convinced the shots where meant to be fatal. I'm not even sure if
Sanzo fully knew what he was doing."

"Hakkai, Sanzo shot Goku three bloody times."

"Yes, but it's Goku. He can withstand a lot of damage, and Sanzo knows
that. He didn't aim for the head, after all."

"You're contradicting yourself, Hakkai. You said Sanzo doesn't know what he's
doing, but yet he knows how many shots Goku can take and in what location?"

"So, you think it was wrong for me to let Goku live? What about Sanzo,
when we found him dying on the road after his suicide attempt? Was I also wrong
to prevent his death then?"

"That's not what I'm saying. It's just... damn it, Hakkai, everything's so
fucked up now, I don't know what's right and what's not anymore, you know? Goku
nearly killed me back there, not to mention the fact that it hurt like
hell. And worse... he turned on Sanzo. He raped
Sanzo. This is Goku we're talking about, as in power limiter still
fully intact and functional."

"I'm afraid he may no longer be the Goku we know and love."

"Bah, as if we ever loved that idiot ape to begin with. Anyway, what's done
is done, and now we face the consequences, right? You think he's gonna turn
rabid monkey on us again?"

"I don't know."

"Shit."

"Gojyo, it's important to maintain a positive attitude."

"Positive attitude? Huh, you can take your positive attitude and flush it
down the shit-hole. It feels like we're just waiting around for something even
worse to happen. And what about Sanzo, is he gonna be
alright?"

"I'm afraid all we can do is give him time. We can hardly continue traveling
with Sanzo as he is now."

"But how long are we gonna wait? And what if he doesn't get any
better? Hakkai, what if this is permanent? You heard what Yaone said.
There is no cure. Maybe we've just been deluding ourselves with false hope all
along."

As if to emphasize the seriousness of Gojyo's concerns, a shriek tears
through the temple andpierces the evening calm. Gojyo closes his eyes against
the unwelcome noise, willing it to stop.

"Ah, speaking of Sanzo, it sounds as if the sedatives have worn off. I'd
better go attend to him."

As Hakkai is about to stand to go, however, he pauses.

"Gojyo? On second thought, now that you're feeling better, perhaps you
should be the one to go."

The cigarette drops from Gojyo's mouth.

"What? Why me?"

"We can't keep Sanzo restrained and sedated forever. We need to work with
him, to give him a chance, but it's difficult when the mere sight of me upsets
him as it does. Unfortunately, he seems to have developed a lingering negative
attitude towards me since he found out that I've been impersonating him.
You may have better luck, and it's worth a try."

Gojyo sighs heavily.

"Great. I'm on crazy monk sitting duty, now. I don't know what you think this
is gonna accomplish, though. It's not as if Sanzo and I got along very well
even when he wasn't a total lunatic, not that he was ever
exactly sane to begin with..."

"Gojyo..."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm goin'."

Hakkai smiles brightly.

"Thank you, Gojyo. I knew you would be happy to volunteer."

Gojyo just rolls his eyes as he reluctantly heaves himself to his feet.

XXX

Unwelcome within the walls of the temple, Goku remains outside; a solitary
figure perched atop the roof. Here he sits, and here he broods, as the fading
light of day casts its unhappy shadows upon him. As he watches the setting of
the sun, the shadows in his mind grow darker as well, memories of recent events
inflicting themselves painfully upon his mind.

---

That day. That explosive, corrosive, sickening day. The hot
rush of rage. The burning fire of desperation thick with the smoke of
despair. Powerfully irrational feelings and all sense of reason destroyed, until
Hakkai and Gojyo were no longer friends, but obstacles, rivals, opponents.

Enemies.

And he had hated them.

Sanzo.

The desire, the need, to ensure his own exclusive place by
Sanzo's side. Sanzo was his, and not to be taken away from him. Not by
anyone.

Not even by Sanzo himself.

Goku was consumed by need.

In his mind, his own actions were justified and right. In
Goku's mind, it was what Sanzo wanted as well, but was just too stubborn
to admit it. Then, Goku had lost himself in a haze of blinding light.

Briefly, blissfully, Sanzo was his.

Then...

Pain.

Sanzo's words had finally reached him, and he was horrified by what he
heard.

"Goku, I don't want to play with a monster."

The pain had brought him back to his senses, and he had realized with
terrible clarity just what he had done.

"Sanzo, I'm sorry. Sorry for what I've done."

Blackness.

Bleeding all over Sanzo, the bullet wounds in his abdomen an ugly testament
to his forsaken love.

Awakening.

Tucked securely in bed at the temple, his injuries treated, but not
healed. No, Hakkai had done nothing special for him beyond summoning a
doctor. Goku did not care. It was more than he deserved. In any case, for him,
even a seemingly serious wound is not as bad as it may at first appear to be. He
was almost glad.

Because Sanzo had given him these wounds with his own hand.

Hakkai.

Hakkai had looked at him with the sternest, scariest expression on his face
that Goku had ever seen. There had never before been a reason for such a
frightening look to be turned his way before.

Goku had been subjected to a merciless, meticulously torturous recap of his
crimes, and was left with a warning. Hakkai had emphasized his words by
distinctly touching the clips on his ear as he spoke, and the message had been
clear.

Behave, or else.

And Goku had alarmed himself by actually considering the possibility
of going up against Hakkai in his demon form.

"Sanzo, I'm sorry. Sorry for what I still might do."

---

So Goku exists now with the knowledge that he has betrayed Hakkai and Gojyo,
that he has treated them as only a beast would. Worse, he has betrayed
Sanzo. Now, because of him and what he has done, his Sanzo is suffering,
locked up and sicker in mind than ever before, and he cannot go to him,
dares not go to him. All he can do for Sanzo now is keep him safe while
he recovers by faithfully and dutifully guarding the temple against possible
attack.

Even so, the urge to seek out the light and warmth of his most precious sun
is strong, pulling at the very marrow of his bones. Oh, how envious he is
of Hakkai and Gojyo, who surely even now are basking in that beautiful, shining
light. His light, and a light that he no longer deserves.

Goku clenches his fists in frustration as the sun sinks ever lower in the
sky, and a soundless whisper bruises his spirit as it tumbles around and around
in his heart.

"Monster, stay away. Keep Sanzo safe from you."

XXX

Sanzo in fact has shown improvement since arriving at the monastery.
At first, it had been necessary to keep him in restraints twenty-four hours a
day, just to prevent and control his constant and uncontrollable fits of violent
hysteria.

Unless sedated as well as restrained, he would lie twitching and struggling
against his bonds, crying out continually and practically frothing at the mouth
in his madness.

Now, the sedatives alone usually are enough to keep him reasonably calm.
Still, sudden episodes will occasionally have him attacking the walls or even
his own body, forcing Hakkai to be always on alert and quick to intervene lest
Sanzo render himself bruised and bloody.

However, Hakkai has just passed this responsibility on to his companion with
a smile, and so Gojyo hurries to Sanzo's door in his place.

When he unlocks and enters the room, Sanzo is crouched in the middle of the
floor, staring suspiciously at the intruder. Silent now, although tense and
breathing hard, Sanzo's hair falls over his face, all but obscuring his
crazed and wild eyes. When Gojyo steps into the room and shuts the door behind
him, Sanzo scuttles away until he reaches the far corner, pressing his back
against the wall and hurling threats and obscenities in Gojyo's direction.

Gojyo observes this behaviour for a few seconds, and then simply sits himself
down casually on the floor. He lets Sanzo scream and swear to his hearts
content, lets him bang his head back into the wall, lets him pull at his hair
and rant and rage in his corner, until finally, Sanzo's frenzy dies down, and,
worn out, he draws up his knees to hug them tightly against his chest, reduced
to nothing but a twitching, muttering mess.

Slowly, so as not to alarm Sanzo and trigger another outburst, Gojyo moves
closer. But Sanzo takes no more offense at his presence.

"Sanzo?"

Sanzo snaps up his head to scream out a single word, his voice hoarse and
choked as it rips through his throat.

"No!"

Gojyo has decided that this situation calls for patience. Now that Sanzo's
care has been turned over to him, he intends to subdue Sanzo as little as
possible, which means minimal force and minimal use of sedatives. He wants to
help Sanzo snap out of this insanity, not just medicate him into
senselessness.

"No what, Sanzo?"

"No Sanzo here."

"You're not Sanzo? Then who are you?"

The only answer he gets is a glare.

"Oh, maybe you'd prefer that other name. Konzen?'

"No."

"No? Then what should I call you, eh? How about I just call you
Blondie? That suits you fine. Or even better, how about Sunshine?"

Sanzo surprises him by voicing no complaint. He just gazes at Gojyo, his eyes
wide with surprise and somehow touched with hurt.

"Goku. Sound like... Goku."

Gojyo snorts.

"Please, don't compare me to that animal."

Sanzo heaves a weary sigh weighted heavily with dejection.

"Silly monkey. Wouldn't listen. Why? Why?"

Sanzo is looking at Gojyo now as if he holds the answers to the most profound
questions in the universe. Gojyo just grins.

"Like I said, he's a dumb animal."

Sanzo is staring Gojyo in the eye so intently, it almost makes him feel
dizzy, having those vivid violet eyes locked hypnotically with his own crimson,
blood-red gaze. He remembers telling Sanzo that he can look into his eyes
anytime he wants.The heat begins to rise as he recalls other things, like
Sanzo's kiss. He shifts his eyes to Sanzo's lips, and watches as he almost
soundlessly whispers a single word.

"Blood."

In the next instant, Sanzo convulses in a spasm of horror at the memory of
Goku's blood, spilling out of the fresh bullet wounds and staining them both in
red, red, red. Raw concern makes Gojyo reach out to still him with an
impulsive touch of reassurance, but Sanzo pulls away from his hand with a
hiss.

"No! Don't touch. I bite."

Gojyo quickly withdraws, holding his hands up in the air.

"Look, no touching."

Sanzo's next words are tinted with a curious emphasis, as though they hold
some special, hidden significance.

"Goku doesn't belong to me. Not my monkey."

He looks at Gojyo so expectantly, that it prompts Gojyo to make an
inquiry.

"Are you asking me, or telling me?"

"He's not."

Sanzo punctuates this by smacking his head sharply against the wall, and
Gojyo hastily agrees.

"Okay, okay, so Goku's not your monkey."

Something dangerously devious lurks behind Sanzo's eyes as, just as seriously
as before, he makes another statement that seems more like a question in
disguise.

"I don't belong to Goku."

"No. You don't belong to Goku. Goku can go screw himself for all we care. You
don't belong to anyone."

Sanzo closes his eyes tightly as three simple words slip off of his
tongue.

"But I wanted."

Gojyo sighs. Sanzo and Goku. This is about Sanzo and Goku, and the
convoluted mess that their relationship has become. Gojyo isn't even sure how to
start untangling this knot, or if he even wants to try at this point.
Tentatively, he decides to test the murky depths of these turbulent emotional
waters.

"Hey, you and Goku..."

Sanzo spits in his face.

Gojyo wipes off his face with his sleeve and manages a chuckle despite the
situation.

"Touchy, touchy. If it isn't bullets you're firing at me, then it's something
else. Personally, I think I prefer the bullets. Yuck."

Sanzo ignores him, whispering to himself.

"Bullets... all I have to give..."

Gojyo frowns.

"Hey. What kind of a shitty attitude is that? Huh?"

Sanzo blinks out of his daze and snaps at Gojyo.

"Behave."

"Hey, I'm not the one who's acting up, here."

Sanzo narrows his eyes viciously, his voice taking on a dangerous edge.

"Punish bad little pets. Lock them up with the dark."

"Who do you want to punish? Me, Goku, or yourself?"

"Shut up. Naughty monkey."

Sanzo glares at Gojyo with a nasty glint in his eyes, as though
contemplating the worst possible punishment. Sanzo's moods are changing so
rapidly, Gojyo can hardly keep track of them anymore, but at least Sanzo is
talking to him, rather than freaking out.

"You're mad at Goku, right?"

"Fuck off!"

Gojyo is almost amused, but he fixes his face into a stern frown, and raises
his voice sharply.

"Hey! Be nice, or I'll have to punish you."

He pulls out the bottle of tablets he had hidden in his pocket, and shakes
them in Sanzo's face. Sanzo freezes warily, and Gojyo removes his threat from
sight.

"Are you gonna behave yourself now?"

"No. I'm not a pet."

"No, you're not, and you don't deserve to be punished, either."

"Then why won't it stop? Why won't the nasty dark go away?"

"Because you're sick, that's why. I'll help you, help you beat the
dark. But I can only help you if you're nice to me."

Sanzo seems to consider this a moment, and then he nods slowly with an evil
grin.

"Won't punish you... if you take away the dark."

"You've got yourself a deal, Sunshine."

Then the conversation, if it can be called that, is over. Sanzo slips into
delirium, distracted by some stream of internal chaos that takes precedence over
grim reality. Gojyo cannot reach him now, cannot follow, for Sanzo is swimming
in his own private pool, drowning in the deepest depths of his own mind,
unresponsive and oblivious to the external world.

XXX

So the days pass slowly, and Sanzo thankfully becomes quieter and less
volatile. Even Hakkai is tolerated by him more easily, and gradually, he seems
to be regaining a touch of sanity, and along with it, a ray of hope is gained as
well.

However, Sanzo is not the only concern.

For outside, a monkey still sits and watches as each day the sun rises and
sets, and the inner darkness of despair slowly but surely swallows him whole.
His only comfort and solace is in the daily presence of the distant ball of
fire, and he even speaks to it softly in his loneliness.

"Sanzo, what am I supposed to do? I miss you. I never meant to hurt
you."

He waits, and he watches, but there is never any answer to be found.
- 24
- 25
- 26
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My Sun, My Supernova