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My Sun, My Supernova	By : ditchgospel Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 3283 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 26
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- 28
My Sun, My Supernova

Chapter 27

Give Me Wings

West hurts.

This is the only thought that is clear in Sanzo's mind. Caught up in his fellow fugitive's
mad rush to get away from the temple, all his sense of purpose and reason have
been lost in the dizzying brightness and vastness of the outside world.

Due to his physical containment within the walls and security of his little
room at the temple, and also being so tangled up in the mess of his own
mind,what he is experiencing now is almost a kind of rebirth, emerging from the
sheltered womb of insanity into the harsh sharpness of reality.

And it hurts.

The rough ground digs remorselessly into the soles of his shoeless feet, as
he is forced to blindly keep up with Goku's pace. Even worse, even more
disturbing to him, is that he has to keep fending off Goku's continual attempts
to grab hold of his hand as they hurry along. Goku's voice, as he urges and
coaxes him onwards, stabs at his senses and adds to his growing anxiety.

Finally overwhelmed, Sanzo retreats into the welcoming embrace of the dark
and narrow space between two buildings. Here he stops, and lets himself drop to
the ground. Immediately, Goku tries to pull him to his feet, and Sanzo has had
enough. He strikes out at Goku and cringes away from his touch, raising
his arms defensively.

"Stop it! Don't touch me!"

Goku kneels beside Sanzo, his entire body tight with apprehension.

"Sanzo, we can't stop here, gotta keep moving."

"No. Leave me alone."

"But we gotta go."

"No!"

Goku glances worriedly behind him, fearing Hakkai and Gojyo's inevitable
pursuit. He turns back to Sanzo with a fretful frown, chewing his lip anxiously
as he considers how to deal with the situation. Sanzo says he does not want to
be touched, and so Goku hesitates to lay a hand on him now, not after what he
has done. But Sanzo absolutely must come with him, one way or another.
There is no other option. He sighs in frustration.

"Sanzo, get up. Come with me."

"Why? Where are we going?"

"West. Don't you remember?"

Sanzo stares at Goku blankly before shaking his head and sinking the rest of
the way to the ground, still trying to catch his breath. Troubled by nausea and
a sharp, persistent pain in his chest, he whispers softly.

"Why are we going west? Why?"

Automatically, Goku opens his mouth to reply, but finds he has no ready
answer to give. His own goal now is simply to ensure that he and Sanzo stay
together, and to get away from Gojyo and Hakkai, both because he perceives them
as obstacles to his goal, and also because he does not want to harm them any
more than he already has in his attempts to achieve it. For him, the original
purpose of the westward path no longer holds any meaning, and has been all but
forgotten. Sanzo's insistence on an explanation snaps him out of his
confusion.

"Goku, why? Tell me why."

"Umm..."

His eyes wander to the scripture still clutched tightly in Sanzo's hand.

Sanzo's scripture. He knows that it has something to do with their original
journey west, and it's also something of significance to Sanzo. Perhaps that
will be reason enough to give Sanzo the encouragement he needs to get moving
again.

"Because of the scripture. We hafta take it west. Just you an' me."

Sanzo seems to take a moment to absorb his words, and then he holds the
scripture up, looking at it rather doubtfully.

"You mean... this old thing?"

Goku nods enthusiastically, but his enthusiasm is cut short as Sanzo suddenly
winces in pain, his breath catching raggedly in his throat. The scripture falls
from his hand, forgotten, as he instead reaches out to Goku, grasping his arm
while frantically seeking out his eyes with his gaze. The pain and desperation
there is so vivid, it frightens Goku.

"Sanzo?"

"Goku... I... Konzen..."

Sanzo's eyes lose focus as his hand trembles, fingers digging into Goku's
arm. Then, his grip goes slack, and falls away, his body lying limp and
unconscious upon the ground.

XXX

Sanzo wakes up a few minutes later with his head pillowed in Goku's lap, a
pair of serious golden eyes gazing down at him and the soft warmth of Goku's
touch stroking his hair. However, far from being soothed, Sanzo's first reaction
is to escape Goku's hold, and he quickly tries to sit up. But Goku has one hand
placed firmly on his chest and will not let him rise. Panic quickly sets in.
Sanzo forces back the cry that wants to tear from the depths of his lungs,
ignoring the wild contractions of his heart as it squeezes painfully in his
chest.

"Goku. Let. Go. Now."

"Sanzo, you're sick. You gotta rest."

Sanzo shoves Goku's hands away.

"No! Get away from me! Let me up!"

Goku lets him go, deeply touched by the familiar ache of rejection. Sanzo
takes a moment to calm down, eyeing Goku warily out of the corner of his eye as
he listens to him attempt to explain his actions.

"Sanzo, you fainted, and... I just... just wanted..."

"No! I don't care what your excuses are. Don't touch me again. Just
don't."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"Shut up."

An uncomfortable silence descends upon the two, a silence filled with
mistrust, shame and fear, a hurtful void that feels more like an open wound
between them.

Sanzo swallows nervously, his fingers twitching in a sudden longing to light
up a cigarette. It's been quite some time since he's even thought about a
cigarette, let alone smoked one, but right now he would gladly pick up the habit
again if only it was available. Instead, he clears his throat, and turns to face
Goku, speaking slowly as he carefully tries to organize his disjointed
thoughts.

"Goku, Listen. I remember now, I remember everything. We're going west,
but it will take too long to get there on foot. We have to go back. We need
Hakuryu."

Goku scrambles to his feet.

"No! We hafta go together, just me and you!"

"It doesn't work that way, little monkey."

"Yes, it does! There is no other way!"

"There's no time, and I refuse to walk all the way to India."

"Then... then I'll have to drag you there! I won't let them have
you!"

"I don't belong to you. And you will not force me to do
anything."

"Sanzo, why are you being like this? You have to stay with me!
Only me!"

"Goku! Stop it! Behave! Do you want to be punished?"

"Maybe you need to be punished, Sanzo!"

Goku has been glaring down at Sanzo, but now Sanzo gets to his feet, forcing
Goku to look up in order to meet his eyes.

"Do you want to hurt me, Goku? Is that what you want? Do you want to
own me?"

Goku takes a step backwards, shaking his head in denial.

"No, I..."

Sanzo closes the distance between them and yanks Goku's head back by the
hair.

"Naughty monkey. You like to play games, don't you? Naughty, dirty,
bloody little games. Let's play a game together."

"Sanzo?"

"Shut up."

Sanzo releases his grip on Goku, steps back, and holds out his hand.

"Give me my gun."

"No."

"Give it to me!"

Goku winces and pulls the gun out from where he had tucked it away on his
person, placing it in Sanzo's outstretched hand. Sanzo accepts it with a small,
mockingly polite bow, and goes about making an exaggerated show of emptying the
weapon of all but a single bullet, giving the chamber a spin, and then, coldly,
cruelly leveling the gun at his own head.

"If I win, then we go back to Hakkai and Gojyo and we drive. If
you win, then you get to drag my corpse all the way west, and have me to
your heart's content. Won't that be fun?"

"Sanzo, you're crazy. You don't even know what you're doing."

"Don't I? Let's find out."

Sanzo pulls the trigger without a moment's hesitation. There isn't even time
for Goku to cry out.

The result, thankfully, is nothing but an empty click. Goku sighs in relief,
but Sanzo isn't finished playing quite yet.

"Oops, you lose. Want to play again?"

Goku does cry out now, a strangely choked and desperate sound. The sound
accompanies the movement of his arm as his fist propels through the air,
connecting with Sanzo's gut. Sanzo doubles over in pain, dropping the gun, and
Goku follows up his assault by pushing Sanzo unceremoniously to the ground.

"Sanzo, stop it! This isn't funny! You coulda died! Don't you
see? I don't wanna hurt you, but I need you, and I don't want
anyone to take you away from me. And I'm afraid I might do somethin' bad to
Hakkai or Gojyo again. I'm trying real hard, Sanzo, I really am, but... I'm
losing my god damn mind because of you!"

For a moment, Goku glares at Sanzo, and Sanzo just stares back at him with
wide, startled eyes.

"When I saw you that night... with Gojyo, I... I wanted so bad to... to... but
I stopped myself. I don't even know how, 'cause I was so close to losing
it like last time. But I thought... I thought that if only I could get you to come
away with me, then everything would be all right. But you... you make it so
hard, Sanzo. You keep turning everything inside out and... I'm so mixed up,
I don't know what's what anymore. I'm sick of it, and you are really,
really, really startin' to piss me off!"

When Goku finally finishes ranting, Sanzo sits up slowly, brushing his
dirtied hands off on his knees.

"Oh, is the naughty little monkey trying to frighten me? Is he going
to punish me?"

"What's all this crap about punishment, anyway? Haven't we both hurt each
other enough?"

"Pain is all I know."

"That's 'cause you won't let yourself feel anything else. Why're you
so stubborn? Why won't you just let me love you?"

Sanzo lets out an indignant laugh.

"Let you love me? Is that what you call it when you
force yourself on me against my will? I always thought that was called
rape."

Goku suddenly feels like he wants to puke. His anger dissolves into a putrid
mush of shame and self-loathing. Weariness washes over him in a toxic mix of
sorrow and regret.

"You're right, Sanzo. I guess I deserve to be punished. I hurt you,
and I can't ever take that back. If only... if only Hakkai had let me die,
like you wanted. If only..."

His voice trails of as he catches sight of the gun lying on the ground.

"Sanzo? Will you... will you punish me now? I want you to."

As if in a trance, Goku picks up Sanzo's gun, and empties the bullet. Then he
digs deep down in his pocket, and withdraws another bullet, loading it into the
gun instead.

"I want you to use this bullet. It's the one you gave me before,
remember? You said... you said it was the only thing you would ever give me. You
wouldn't give me your heart. So, I'll take this instead, right through my
heart. Will you give it to me again, one last time?"

Sanzo nods.

"I will."

"You... you will?"

"If you want me to, I will."

"Do... do you want to, too?"

"I want to punish you."

Goku sniffs.

"Okay. I'm ready.

"Then give me the gun, and kneel down beside me."

"Like this?"

"That's it. Now close your eyes, and hold very, very still."

"Sanzo, I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize anymore, Goku. It'll all be over soon."

"But I really wanted to go west with you."

"I know."

"You'll be okay, right? I don't want you to be alone."

"I have Hakkai and Gojyo to take me west. I don't need you."

"But..."

"Hush. No more fuss."

"I just wanted to be with you."

"Shhh. It's time to go."

Goku feels the gun press against his chest, over his broken heart.

"Sanzo?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"But I don't want your love, Goku."

"Then pull the trigger. I'm ready."

"Ready to die for me?"

"I'd do anything for you, Sanzo. Anything you want."

"Anything?"

"Anything for you."

And as Sanzo holds the gun steady, he presses a kiss to Goku's forehead.

"What... what're you doin'?"

"I'm giving you a goodbye kiss, silly. Now hold still."

Sanzo's tender touch does something to Goku deep inside, something that
spreads rapidly outwards and awakens him to the reality of what is happening.
Panic opens his eyes.

"Sanzo, wait! I don't want to say goodbye!"

"Then don't."

"What d'you mean?"

"I'm not going to kill you, Goku."

"You're not? But I thought..."

"Silly."

"You mean... I can stay with you?"

"Yes."

"I can go west with you?"

"I won't go without you."

Grinning, Goku grabs the gun, tosses it aside, and slips strong, possessive arms around
Sanzo's narrow waist. Sanzo quickly shoves him away.

"Watch it, monkey. I told you to hold still. I haven't given you your
punishment yet."

"But... you just said..."

Sanzo pushes Goku into the wall with unexpected force.

"There are other ways to punish naughty little monkeys."

"Sanzo?"

"Shut up and don't move. This might hurt a little."

XXX

Meanwhile, Gojyo and Hakkai desperately scour the streets of the town,
searching high and low for Sanzo and Goku. A couple of the people they had asked
had seen the two heading in this direction, at least, but still they remain
elusive. After an hour of futile seeking, Gojyo snaps. He turns and punches the
side of the nearest building.

"Dammit, Hakkai. When we find that stupid monkey, I am going to
wring his puny little neck once and for all! I have had it with his
bullshit!"

"Gojyo..."

"Shit, shit, shit..."

Gojyo punctuates each curse by slamming his fist into the wall. Hakkai
intervenes, stopping the senseless violence with a firm grip on Gojyo's arm and
a sharp reprimand.

"Gojyo!"

Startled, Gojyo turns to face him. Hakkai sighs, letting a dose of soothing
chi flow down Gojyo's arm and into his battered knuckles.

"We'll find them, Gojyo. And when we do, the critical issue will be whether
or not we can talk some sense into Goku. We have to remain calm, for Sanzo's
sake. It will be extremely unwise if you fly off the handle at Goku."

Gojyo lets out a long, shaky breath, letting his forehead rest briefly against his friend's shoulder in a moment of undisguised despair.

"But he took Sanzo right out from under our noses, Hakkai. Why weren't we
watching him more closely, huh? I knew something was gonna happen, I just
knew it. Why did I have to go and leave Sanzo alone?"

Gojyo shakes his head with a bitter chuckle.

"Sanzo was doing so much better. He really was. I thought... I thought I was
making some progress, that I was getting through to him. But... he's not ready to
deal with this. He's got serious issues with Goku. And to top it all off,
he's sick. With the chest pain Sanzo's been having lately, Goku's gonna
end up giving him a fucking heart attack. Goku's little kidnapping stunt
is gonna destroy Sanzo, one way or the other, and if it does... if it
does..."

"Gojyo..."

"If it does, it's gonna destroy us all."

XXX

Houtou Castle, India.

A demon had returned, empty handed, with the report that Sanzo was quite
sane. Gyokumen Koushu had placed all her displeasure on the unfortunate
fellow, and the result was that he was sorry that his intended target had spared
his life.

Kougaiji, however, had not believed a word of the report. He had Yaone,
whom he trusts without a doubt, as a private witness to evidence of the
contrary. And so, disgusted by his stepmother's actions, Kougaiji had sought out
the impossible.

He had sought out a cure

So, even as the vile woman renews the order for Sanzo's death, now that her
little game has come to an end, and would-be demon assassins are again on the
prowl for their prey, Kougaiji takes flight.

Short on reason, perhaps, but high in resolve none-the-less, he swears he
will put a stop to the madness.

Afterwards, however, Sanzo and company will be fair game, and if they must
die for his cause, then so be it. But first...

He must find them, and he hopes that the reality he finds is not as grim as
Yaone had made it sound.

XXX

Sanzo has Goku pinned against the wall of the alley, torturing the three new,
pink scars on his abdomen with his punishing tongue. Goku squirms beneath his
ministrations, but there is nothing he can do, for he dares not touch his blond tormentor.

Touch. How he craves Sanzo's touch. And it's true that Sanzo's touches
have always been harsh and abusive. Perhaps this is only natural, then, that the
use of the paper fan has matured into the use instead of teeth and...

Sanzo's nails rake down Goku's chest, and he gasps, a shiver rippling through
his body. A small trickle of blood leaks from the shallow wound on his throat,
where Sanzo had bitten and chewed until he was satisfied with the results.

Goku knows he deserves whatever form of punishment Sanzo wants to give him.
Only a moment ago, he had been ready to lay down his life in payment for his
sins. But this...

This isn't right. If Sanzo has forgiven him, then why must there be
more pain between them? Why must there always be pain?

Goku closes his eyes and concentrates on the sound of Sanzo's beating heart.
There's something wrong with that sound, and it troubles him.

"Sanzo..."

Sanzo growls and slides up Goku's body until he stands pressed tightly
against him.

"Shut up. Did I tell you to speak?"

"No... but..."

"Then why are you talking, noisy little monkey?"

Goku winces as Sanzo roughly jerks his head to the side, exposing his freshly
bloodied throat. Sanzo smirks, and descends on the wound, sucking mercilessly until the
broken flesh is raw and red and sore.

"Sanzo... We can't stay here. Hakkai and Gojyo..."

Sanzo whacks Goku's head against the wall.

"What about them? If they come, they'll just have to wait until I'm finished
with you. Then, you're coming west with us. I won't put up with anymore of your
insubordination. Naughty, naughty monkey of mine."

Goku lifts his eyes to the sky, to the ray of sunshine trying to penetrate
the shadows of this dingy, narrow alleyway. Something passes by overhead,
something high in the sky. A bird, Goku decides. If only he and Sanzo where as
free as that bird. Free to express themselves without the use of hurt.

Free from pain.

Sanzo frowns, licking the blood from his lips and breathing hard as he glares
into Goku's eyes.

"What are you looking at, monkey?"

"The sky."

"Why?"

"I was just thinking... It's so blue, so bright. And the sun lives there. It's
beautiful, it's free."

"Silly. The sky can also be dark and stormy. Violent. Cold. Sometimes, it
hides the sun."

"But it's still beautiful."

"Even at night? When the sun goes away, and the earth is cast into
darkness?"

"Sanzo, don't you ever learn? You will never cast me into darkness, no
matter how hard you try."

With these words, Goku reaches out and does the forbidden.

He touches the sun.

Oh, how it burns.

Sanzo's kiss is hot and acidic, scorching his lips. Goku can taste his own
blood, mixed with the fire that is Sanzo. Sanzo is using touch as a punishment,
but pain is not what Sanzo desires. Goku can sense this in the way
Sanzo's body trembles ever so slightly against his own, in the way his mouth
seeks to devour Goku's kiss as if he were starving...

But pain is all Sanzo knows, and Sanzo is afraid.

The kiss turns brutal, as Sanzo attacks Goku's mouth. Goku clings to his sun,
letting it burn him as it pleases, letting it burn itself out, until all that
remains is...

Passion.

Heat without hurt.

Warmth.

When the kiss finally ends, Sanzo stares into Goku's eyes in wonder.

"Goku? What... what did you do?"

"I kissed you."

"No. I mean, what happened?"

"Umm... You kissed me back?"

"But... what happened?"

Goku grins.

"We kissed each other, that's what happened! You let me touch you, and it
didn't hurt a bit, that's what ..."

"Goku, just shut up and do it again."
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My Sun, My Supernova