The Annals of Fear

While Mello used the blow dryer on his own hair, Matt experimented with what clothing he had. He was fine from the waist down, but above that, he struggled. The pyjamas that Deontic had bought him were stripped, but they were green and red, in a flannel material. It made him look like a Christmas tree. The sleeves were too long. The packaging had said \'small\', but he\'d still had to bunch the sleeves up a bit before fastening them around his wrist. It wouldn\'t matter once he had his gloves on. Matt buttoned up the front and pulled over the top of it Mello\'s black t-shirt. Unusually for one of Mello\'s tops, the sleeves came to just above the elbow. Normally anything that Mello wore either showed off his wiry muscles or else was so long that it covered his hands. Matt peered at himself in the mirror. He didn\'t look right. There wasn\'t enough colour.



"That works." Mello commented, over the drone of the dryer. Matt glanced back to find Mello nodding encouragement with a manic grin on his face. Mello wanted so much to make things right for him that Matt just turned from the mirror and let it go. It wouldn\'t kill him to wear black for an evening and it might just stop Mello guilting himself into insanity. Mello was worrying Matt. He had seen his husband looking lost before now, but never with good results. Matt was determined to keep himself together, if only to provide Mello with a rock of stability. He lit a cigarette and crouched over the stack of laptops delivered by Hal. "Baby?"



"Um?" Matt peered back over his shoulder.



"Are you alright?"



Matt nodded. It was also a bad sign when Mello became fussy rather than generally possessive. Matt occupied himself with opening up the carry cases and checking that all of the leads had been packed. He found his cigarette lighter in there. The sudden silence, as Mello switched off the dryer, made Matt relax inside. There had been a harsh whine inside the buzz that had grated on his nerves. Matt turned over in his mind what should happen now and what would probably happen. He personally wanted Deontic\'s testimony, because if she hadn\'t replaced those floorboards, then someone else had. Mello was standing over him. Matt looked up. "What?"



"Please don\'t close down on me, Mail." Mello touched his shoulder. "Don\'t bottle it up. You\'re not infallible." He crouched down, creaking leather, his arm around him. Matt inwardly shrank. He just wanted to get at the information on these laptops and to speak with Deontic, whilst somehow holding Mello back from his own mental precipice. "They took you away from me, Mail. They locked you up in a place where you couldn\'t get out. They put you in an oubliette and..."



Matt felt a flash of temper course through him, but he bit it down. "Mello. Don\'t."



"And now you\'re getting annoyed." Mello wrapped both arms around him. It felt claustophobic and uncomfortable. Matt never knew what to do inside a hug like that. "I\'ve got you clean and physically safe. Let me inside that shell that you put up, so I can check your mind and I\'ll...."



"Mello." Matt wriggled, sighing. He didn\'t need this. He needed peace and calm, somewhere where he could watch out for Mello too. "Just stop."



"Rage at me, Mail. You were locked up and I didn\'t come. Admit that you\'re angry with me."



"Will you just fuck off with the Catholic guilt?" The words emerged more sharply than Matt had intended. "All this fawning isn\'t you. You\'re not insane, but you\'re shaken as Hell. That much is obvious."



Mello bowed his head and took a deep intake of breath. "We need to stop. We\'re both trying to be brave for the other one. Ok, I\'ll start. I cried like a baby in that cellar. I thought I was surrounded by explosives that could potentially destroy a building with you inside it and I did nothing. I just stood there. I\'ve been in much worse danger than that and remained calm. I\'ve had people shooting at me. I\'ve walked around with a hit on my head for years, but I\'ve remained calm. I wasn\'t calm this evening. I lost the plot completely, even when I was certain that you were in danger. I was too scared to come and look for you."



Matt\'s stomach twisted, like something cold had clenched it in its fist. "You\'re saying this to a person with abandonment issues."



"I know."



"So what?" Matt accused. "So I\'ll crucify you to save you having to do it to yourself?" There was no reaction from the blond. His head remained bowed and Matt\'s eye was drawn to the broken rosary. He\'d noticed that before, of course; he\'d seen it the moment he\'d clapped eyes on his husband. A questioning look then had caused Mello to shake his head. They\'d been surrounded by police officers, so it wasn\'t the time. Mello still hadn\'t mentioned it and they had been alone for a while now. "Because what it\'s more likely to do is start me hyperventilating. Maybe that\'s what you want. Send me insane, so I\'m more malleable."



Mello\'s arms tightened around Matt\'s body. "That\'s better."



Matt couldn\'t believe his ears. His voice rose, shrill, "Better?!"



"Hurtful and poisonous, but better."



"You\'re a fucked up piece of shit, Mello." Matt snapped. He no longer felt safe in those arms around him, but he looked beyond them and tried to imagine a world without Mello and that just loomed dark and cold, as a void. He shuddered involuntarily. Sometimes Matt felt the very core of himself and it was hollow. Empty. Like some kind of black hole sucking in matter. He kept a lid on it, but right now, it gaped. He realised that this was the first time that he\'d seriously contemplated leaving Mello. Matt\'s head shot up, turning sidewards to face Mello. He could actually feel the panic attack starting and that was no good. For the sake of dignity, if nothing else, he refused to panic upon Mello\'s command.



Mello still crouched there, head bowed, arms around his husband. His lips were tightly pursed and his whole demeanour was a riot of tension. As Matt looked at him, Mello\'s fingers moved to grip the collar around his husband\'s neck. "You\'re mine, Mail, and I won\'t let you go."



There was so much emotion welling up inside Matt that he didn\'t know how to feel it all together. He tried to freeze it out and succeeded. In lieu of punching Mello, he just nodded. "Let me look through the data on these. See if I can find us some answers."



Mello sighed heavily. "Fuck it."



"What?" Matt frowned, but a moment later he was being yanked to his feet, dragged halfway across the room to be shoved up against a wall. Mello was glaring at him and Matt kicked back. "Fucking arsehole!" But Mello danced back out of the way of Matt\'s boot and just grabbed a handful of t-shirt at Matt\'s throat. The redhead snapped, "Mello! For fuck\'s sake!"



There was a hammering at the door. Mello nodded, looking deathly calm behind the random violence. "That will be Hal come to save you."



"... the Hell are you trying to...?" Matt gasped. "Mello! What are you trying to prove?"



Hal called through the door. "Mello, open up."



"Heh." Mello smirked, letting him go. As he stalked to the door, he bowed his head. When he reached it, he paused with one palm on the wood and peeped back over his arm. "I will always try and reach you, Mail. Just remember that and then try to work out what I\'m trying to do."



"Fucked up, fucking arsehole."



"Yeah." Mello opened the door. Hal charged through it, causing Mello to step back out of her way. "Come in, Hal."



She stood looking at Matt, who simply smirked at her. He straightened his clothes and sauntered across to the bed, where he\'d left his cigarettes. There was one already rolled, which he smoked, while reaching for and switching on his PSP. Mello stayed by the open door, his back against the wall and his foot up, resting against it. He watched her with a faint expression of grim bemusement. Hal coughed. "Matt, are you alright?"



The redhead shrugged, but his attention was on the game. This was nothing to do with Hal, or whomever she sent after him. This was between him and Mello. The room filled with the electronic tones of the Tetris music. Mello snorted and just walked out. Matt watched him go, cold fear gripping again inside. He ignored Hal and rose, slowly trailing after the blond. At Deontic\'s door, Mello had waited. He looked back and cast a sardonic smile before stepping inside that room. "Ok, Dee, I\'m ready to know what happened to you." Mello stated calmly. Matt hated him. In one big, flashing moment, he didn\'t care if Mello went and threw himself off the nearest pier. Matt leaned against the wall and played Tetris.



Inside, Deontic sounded beaten. She asked quietly, "Mello, did you shoot at Century?"



"No, I didn\'t." Mello replied. "Did you replace the floorboards over Matt\'s head?"



"No, I swear I didn\'t."



"Ok, then we need to put this together."



Matt was aware of Hal standing in the corridor, just a few feet away, watching him. He pushed away from the wall and walked into Deontic\'s room. Hal followed him. It was she who spoke up. "Deontic has a lead on where Century might be."



Deontic held up her own mobile \'phone. "One of the items that was recovered was Century\'s phone. It\'s smashed, but the sim card is fine. I\'ve had a look through and found out that the person he\'s been texting most appears to be a girlfriend."



"She\'ll need to be vetted." Hal sighed. "If she finds out about Watari..."



Matt interupted. "Mello, where is the end of your rosary?" It was inappropriate, he knew, but it would upset Mello and that was the main thing.



Mello didn\'t even blink. "It got broken. I just need to close these links up again, but there\'s a bead still in the cellar of the house. I need to retrieve that before I can fix it." He gazed at Matt too long for it to be comfortable. Then Mello finally turned away, ignoring him. "Go on, Dee."



"She\'s listed as llygaid brown and their texts are all in Welsh." She clicked through the text messages on the \'phone in her hand. "But there are a lot of kisses and love hearts in them, hence I deduced that she\'s a girlfriend."



Mello smiled faintly, "Or a boyfriend."



"Hal\'s just ordered a trace on the number to find out where she is."



Mello blew out his cheeks. "There\'s always a chance that it\'s a family member."



"No." Hal interjected. "None of you have living family members." She coloured almost imperceptively, obviously realising how tactless that may have sounded. Mello smiled at her and she blushed more. "Why was Century\'s \'phone so smashed up anyway?"



Deontic and Mello exchanged glances. Mello frowned, "You haven\'t told her anything?"



Deontic looked away, but Hal replied, "No. I\'ve know nothing, but what I saw with my own eyes and what those searching the house discovered."



Matt had had enough of this. Mello was running hot and cold with him and now was playing mind games, ignoring him. He stopped Tetris and shoved it into his pocket. "Hal." He called out softly, but they all turned to look at him, even Mello. "Is that helicopter standing by for us?"



"Yes." Hal answered, looking surprised. She generally dealt with Mello, with any of Matt\'s orders coming via his husband.



"Good." He slouched towards the door. "I\'m going to get Mello\'s bead for his rosary."



Behind him, there was an intake of breath from Mello. Deontic asked, quietly, "Do you and Matt usually argue?"



"No." Mello snapped, against all of the evidence. Matt heard him start running after him. "Matt, hold on."



In the room they had just left, they heard Deontic murmer, "Let them sort it out between them. We won\'t be thanked for intervention."



Mello fell into step with Matt. "Ok, forgive me." His hand crept into Matt\'s, but Matt threw it away. "Mail, just hear me out. I\'m hanging on by a thread here. Ok?" Matt had stopped walking, so Mello leaned up against the opposite wall and looked at him. He had his hands up. "You are so closed down right now. I don\'t think you realise it. I can\'t get close to you. I can\'t see if you\'re alright or if you\'re covering up because you\'re seriously not ok. I personally am not. Ok? I\'ve got a million things going through my head and I\'m just trying to prioritise them to deal with them. There\'s been a whole can of worms opened in my psyche. I just want to find my feet, which involves knowing that you\'re hanging on in there too. Then I can turn my attention to the case itself. Do you understand me, guapo?"



Matt did. He could also see how much that speech had cost Mello. He nodded. "Fine."



"What does fine mean?"



"Why are you ignoring me?"



Mello rolled his eyes. "To get your fucking attention!" He pursed his lips, staring back along the corridor from which they\'d come. "What do you need from me, Mail? Sex? Being left alone? Me apologising on bended knees for getting us into this shit?"



Matt searched his mind and didn\'t know. He tried out some explanations and arrived at one. "Maybe I am angry at you for not coming sooner to get me out."



"Yes, Mail, you are." Mello stated, firmly. "Thank you for admitting it."



"And you?" Matt asked, cautiously.



Mello snorted, "I\'m furious with myself."



That didn\'t surprise Matt. Mello had two default settings. If he wasn\'t being smugly self-satisfied at some latest piece of genius, then he was beating himself up over not hitting his own absurdly high standards. "And you really think you\'re cracking up?"



Mello shrugged. "All the evidence is there that I did. But it doesn\'t feel like last time right now."



They stood for an awkward few seconds, each looking towards different ends of the corridor. Finally Matt exhaled loudly, "What we need to do is compare stories. You, me and Deontic. Hal there as an independent mind."



Mello nodded. "That would make sense." He bit his lip hard.



"But?"



"But mine involves talking about things that I never wanted to talk about." His eyes filled up again. Mello could be emotional, Matt knew that, but not generally like this. He didn\'t cry as a matter of course. It made Matt feel uncomfortable, but he held out his hand. Mello looked at it. "What\'s that?"



"Truce."



Mello sighed and took it, but didn\'t shake it. He used the grip to pull Matt towards him and embraced him tightly. It didn\'t feel so intrusive this time, so Matt hugged him back. "It\'ll be alright, Mell. It always is."