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Desperate Heart	By : Sanomi Category: +. to F > Fushigi Yuugi Views: 1825 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Fushigi Yuugi, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Disclaimer: Me not owning it.

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Desperate Heart

By Sanomi

Chapter Three: But The Truth Remains

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I didn�t want to admit to myself that I was worried, but after a month of his friendship I had gotten to know hery ery well.

Something was wrong with Genrou.

The first thing that tipped me off was when he didn�t laugh at the comment I made about one of our teachers.

Now, don�t get me wrong. That does sound kind of egocentric, but the truth was that he found the sarcastic stuff I said to be amazingly funny. So I had taken to voicing aloud a lot of my thoughts in order to hear him laugh.

He really had a wonderful laugh; light and happy, not bitter like mine. There wasn�t much I wouldn�t do to hear that laugh.

Now back to there being something wrong with Genrou...

Not only didn�t he laugh but he was completely spaced out the entire day. Not to mention that every once and a while he would sigh and sink miserably into his seat.

When at last school was out, I walked along side him as he trudged (yes he did trudge) on our way to our respective homes.

I couldn�t deny that he was really starting to worry me now. It pushed me to the point where I did something I never thought I�d do.

Pause. Feel the tension.

I invited him over to my apartment. (gasp)

No really, I did. You see, while he had been over many times since that first visit, it was always Genrou who asked. I NEVER invited. It was like an unwritten code.

He sighed (again) and muttered what I think was a yes.

I glared at him. I use up another one of my firsts (first friend, first person I let get close in years, first person to enter my apent ent with my permission, etc) and he doesn�t even care! I resisted the urge to sulk and said instead to him coldly, �I think that merited more of a reaction.�

He flashed me a weak smile but didn�t say anything. Now what was I supposed to do? I made my grand gesture.

God damn it.

We walked to my place in silence. I was wracking my brains for what to say. As you may have guessed, I�m not exactly the expert at social interaction.

So...

Standard thing then.

�Genrou, what the fuck is wrong with you?�

I never said I was subtle.

�W-what d�you mean?�

I slammed the door shut and chucked my bag at the couch. �You know what I mean.�

�No I--�

�Yeah. Sure,� I sneered. Crossing my arms and planting myself firmly in front of him, I waited for his explanation.

Yeah. Real good way to get someone to open up, part of me snorted.

So sue me, I�m still not used to the whole friendship thing.

Wait. Did I just admit to myself we were friends? Another first. Damn it.

Suddenly he collapsed onto the couch. �It�s stupid,� he murmured.

�What is?�

�This... I... Gods, I�m fallin� apart for no fuckin� reason.�

I remained silent. He would tell me... eventually... even if I had to beat it out of him... Although I hoped it wouldn�t come to that.

�I told you I moved from Washington D.C., right?�

I nodded. It had come up in a conversation quite a few times. Che, you�d think he�d remember.

�I... I got a letter from a friend there...� He pulled out of a pocket a much-creased piece of paper. How often had he read it?

�It�s from Kouji... My-my friend.�

I nodded again. Whenever Genrou talked about his home he talked a lot about Kouji, too. �Is there... bad news?� I asked cautiously.

�No, that�s just it. I�m bein� stupid... It�s just a regular letter.�

I raised my eyebrow. Then what the hell was all this about? �Really?�

�Yeah...� There was a sort of hollow sound to his voice.

Gods, what the hell is going on?! Somebody... anybody... heeeeeeelp... I have no idea what I�m doing... Don�t confide in me Genrou, or whatever the hell you�re going to say! I�ll probably just screw your brain up even more.

He handed me the letter, and, against my better judgment, I skimmed over it. It seemed to be the usual friendly letter-- not that I had any frame of reference. But the words used at the end jumped out at me.
[...I miss you a lot Genrou... I�ve been trying to see if I could get into the exchange student program, but so far no luck. (What the fuck made your parents choose to move to a place on the other side of the country?!). Looking foreword to your next letter.

Forever Yours,

Love, Kouji]
Forever yours could be understood as a really close friendship. For that matter, so could the love... But somehow I didn�t think so.

�You�re lovers.� It wasn�t a question.

Genrou�s golden eyes snapped up with shock written all over his face. �How did...� He shook his head. �Never mind. Are... are you mad?�

I suppose I should have been. But, I mean, it�s not like I was afraid he was gonna jump me. He obviously had only Kouji in mind. �No, I�m not.� I handed back the letter. �But there�s obviously more to you feeling bad then the letter.�

He stared at the letter, then carefully folding it and putting it away he replied, �I dunno... I really miss�m... and...�

�And what?� I prompted.

�We�re so far apart... there�s nothing to stop him... either of us... from...�

�You�re worried one of you might be unfaithful?� I askentlyntly (well, pretty gently considering the source).

He nodded, not looking up from the floor.

�Genrou, if you want advice, I�m the wrong person to come to.� Never had a relationship. Or wanted one, for that matter. But can you blame me? People suck. �But it seems to me that you two really care about each other. I mean, if you�re this stressed out over a letter, I don�t think you�ll have to worry about you yourself cheating. And if he does... well, there�s nothing really you can do about it. But from what you�ve told me about him, he doesn�t appear the type to do that. Besides, if he cheats, we can hunt him down and beat the crap out of him.�

His blinked at me but then chuckled slightly as he recognized the signs of my unusual humor coming out. �OK.�

�Feeling better now?� He nodded, and I sighed in relief. I managed to get through a cheer-up talk without causing him to go into therapy! Go me!

�Heh, being all depressed gives me an appetite. Wanna go down to the market and grab somethin� to bring back?�

�Uh...�

�All on me, a� course. I got paid this morning.�

�Uh...�

�That�s settled then! Lets go!�

I blinked. �Sure... Why not... I suppose...� I, of course, only agreed to this because he caught me off guard. Plus, I never pass up free food.

Hey, neither would you if you were as undernourished as I was.

~*~*~*~

Gah... Why was I doing this again? Oh, right. Free food. Must keep that in mind. And also remember to NOT kill Genrou for dragging me up and down the aisles for munchies. Damn it.

Ugh. Now I remember why don�t like going out much. I sighed and just followed Genrou. Then blinked when I saw one of our schoolmates. Wasn�t that the one Genrou had been talking to during lunch on the first day we met? I think his name was Eiken, or something. Creep.

�Shit, look at that lineup! Hey, Sai, I�ll stay here in the line, if you�d just go grab the Twinkies and Doritos.�

If it got me out of that hellhouse, I would do nearly anything. �Fine.�

In record time, I returned with the requested items. I approached our line, but slowed when I saw Genrou with Eiken. I ducked into an unused section so I could hear what they were talking about.

Yeah, yeah, don�t give me that crap about it being dishonest. How else am I supposed to find out the truth about things, other than eavesdropping?

�Hey, are you here by yourself? You�re hardly ever without Saihitei anymore.�

Genrou replied in a chilly voice. �What�s it to ya?�

�Nothing, nothing. I was just wondering, why your friends with him. I mean, if you�re doing it for the protection, there are plenty of other people who can help you out with any enemies you might have. If you know what I mean... Does he have something on you?�

I was burning with rage. That... little... Ohhhhhh, he was going to be sorry if we ever should meet in a darkened alleyway. Hell, why wait? I can send Genrou with the stuff to the apartment and wait in ambush outside the store...

�Beat it, ya jerk!� The redhead sounded furious.

�Hey, calm down, I was just wondering. Besides, you should be careful around him. You know what he did, don�t you?�

�Don�t you have anything better to do than listen to stupid rumors?� Genrou asked, his voice trembling with anger.

As footsteps receded, I exited the section and walked up to Genrou. His dark face brightened immediately. �Hey! You found �em! Let�s check this stuff out so we can go.�

Maybe having a friend wasn�t so bad after all. I had never known anyone to stick up for me before...

~*~*~*~

We chomped on our snacks for a while in silence. Then the quiet was broken by Genrou. �Sai, I was wondering...�

�Yes?�

�Just... what is the truth about these rumors?�

I froze. I should have known he was going to ask eventually. But I had deluded myself into thinking that maybe he would just forget about the whole thing... Gods. Just being reminded of it brought the memories backshudshuddered inwardly. Whatever pleasant mood had existed before was gone.

�I-I know it�s my business, but you know one of my darkest secrets, and since we�ve been friends for a while...�

I laughed. He jumped at the sound-- it was harsh and without mirth.

�Darkest secret? Darkest secret?� I laughed again and he winced. �You think your being gay is a dark secret? Let me tell you, if that is a dark secret, it is the most pitiful one I have ever heard.�

He bridled angringrily opened his mouth to say something, but the smoldering look in my eyes made him close it. �Do you really want to know my dark secret? You couldn�t even possible imagine what it was I went through. Do you still want to know?�

I leaned forward in my seat and captured his gaze with my burning one. �I�ll tell you.� I don�t think I could have restrained myself at that point had I wanted to. It was a need-- a need to tell someone. And also a perverted sense of enjoyme got got from his fear and discomfort.

Some people become who they are because of their childhood, or in spite of it. I fit into that first category.

�Well, let�s see, it started on a beautiful spring morning,� I began in a mockery of a storyteller�s voice. �So soon after winter, it was still rather chilly and there was a thin layer of frost over everything. I was about seven at this time, by the way. My parents wanted to stay indoors where it was warm, but I insisted on going for a walk. Being very loving parents, they indulged my selfish wish and took me out for a walk around the block.

�We were just crossing the street, when a car slid on the ice and was heading in our direction. It was going too fast for us to get off the road, but my mother pushed me out of the way. When the ambulance arrived, I was unhurt but for a few bruises and scrapes. My father was pronounced dead on arrival, but my mother was still alive. She died less than a day later, frnternternal bleeding.�

I paused for a moment. It still hurt so much... I tried to pretend as if I were telling a story about someone else.

�When the doctors told me, I didn�t believe it... I spent hours by her side trying to wake her up. I thought if I just woke her up, everything would be okay.� I smiled bitterly at that naivety.

A choking sound came from Genrou�s general direction. I glanced at him: he was crying. I raised an eyebrow. �Don�t. It never helps; I learned that a long time ago.�

With a sigh, I handed him a napkin: the closest I had to a handkerchief, and then went on. �After that I was sent to an orphanage, downtown from here. St. Catherine�s, it was called. The man who ran it was called Father Junan, he was middle-aged and everyone loved him. I was there for three about years when the father took me aside. He said I had grown very beautiful in my years there... supposedly all thanks to his tender care. He wanted something in return.�

I faltered and rubbed my eyes. I hated thinking about it. But still I couldn�t stop. �At first it was just painful touches. He told me that if I spoke to anyone he would hurt me, and I felt scared and alone. He took to cornering me whenever I was alone, and soon touches was not enough.� A spasm of pain flickered over my face.

It was never enough, was it? Nothing was ever enough.

�When I was fourteen I was nearly as tall as he was. Yet I was l tol too afraid to challenge him. But one day I�d had enough; I was overcome with hate and rage and I pushed him away. We were on the roof of the orphanage, where I had taken to hiding out, and he lost his balance and fell. Fell a long, long ways. It took forever for the police to find me, but I hadn�t moved. I was staring down at his broken body for hours...� I shuddered. �They all decided it was an accident, and covered the whole thing up. Do you know, I never told anybody the truth?�

I never talked about it to anyone. In fact, I didn�t even talk for nearly a year after what happened. Lucky you, Genrou, to be the first to know. �I left not even a month later. It was hard to find a place to live-- that�s why I have to stay in this crummy place. It�s the only one that�ll let me stay here, since I�m not eighteen yet.� I shrugged. Plus, it�s the only one I can afford not working full time.

A deep and profound silence filled my little apartment.

�S-Sai...� Genrou said finally. It seemed a great effort of will for him to drag his gaze up to meet my eyes.

I glared at him. �Do you think I need your pity?� I drew myself up to my fullest height.

�N-no, I wasn�t--�

�Save your pity for those who deserve it,� I hissed at him. �I don�t regret what I did. He deserved death, and I�m glad I gave it to him.�

~*~*~*~

Genrou looked at Saihitei standing tall and proud. The boy--man--possessed ts cos coveted by men, and by those traits he was cursed. A noble bearing, beautiful by any standards.

It was obvious he was wanted by many, but equally apparent that Saihitei didn�t believe that.

�Saihitei... I forgive you,� the redhead told him softly.

He stared at Genrou. �What?� He blinked and stood rigidly. �And why would I need your forgiveness?�

�Since you can�t forgive yourself.�
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Desperate Heart