A child\'s game

A child’s game






A child’s game

 

 

“Kenshin,
are you alright?”

Kenshin
looked up flushed, his mind had strayed to the first night they spent together,
and now his body was betraying him again. Even after all those years, he still
remembered that with a kind of fuzzy desire.

“Hai,
Kaoru-dono, I’m fine”

But
he wasn’t, far from fine. Why did his mind insisted in returning to those days?
Why couldn’t he just vanish the man from his mind and heart even after all that
happened?

Sighing
tiredly, Kenshin looked at the lesson that was just finished. He stood to
leave, following Kaoru and Yahiko back to the dojo, while his mind wandered
again.

 

Back
at the dojo Saitou was leaving, he hadn’t expected to find any resistance from
the boy, and leaving him there as a present hadn’t been his original plan. But
as his mind insisted in going back in time, he took a decision. He was going to
leave a message to Battousai, one he wasn’t likely to misread. He was just
supposed to test him, and recruit him for the fight. But maybe, maybe it was
time they settle once for all something that had been between them for too much
time.

 

 

For some time Saitou thought that after
having the boy, he would be back to normal. It was always like that for him,
once he got what he wanted he didn’t want it anymore. But this time it was
different.

After having Kenshin, after feeling him
beneath him, all around him, tasting him, holding him, he knew he didn’t have
enough. One time wasn’t enough for them, maybe never would be enough. And most
unwise as it was, he knew he had to see him again.

“Ah, I see you had a good night,
Saitou-san” Okita’s friendly voice greeted him when he returned with his unit.
His smug smile must have given him away, but he didn’t care at the moment.

“Indeed.”

“So, your little friend really existed,
and he was every bit what you said about him.”

Saitou said nothing, he didn’t want to
discuss Kenshin with them, even with Okita. When he first mentioned him was a mistake, only saying that he knew
something who confirmed the truth behind Battousai’s rumours. But Okita
insisted to know, and in the end he revealed, perhaps, more than he intended.
It wasn’t that he didn’t trust the other man, but he didn’t feel comfortable
discussing his private life with anyone, even with someone he trusted with his
life.

They spent the night in that place,
enjoying their bodies, and their company. The times when they weren’t making
love they talked, and Kenshin revealed some facts about himself, some things
that made Saitou see him less and less like a boy.

They agreed to meet again the next night,
knowing full well that once wasn’t enough for either of them. The place where
they first meet, away from both of their territories. They weren’t likely to
forget they were still in the middle of the war, and that they were supposed to
be enemies.

“Can you tell me now what you are,
Saitou-san?” Okita asked teasingly, and Saitou growled, not menacingly at all.
He didn’t like to be teased like that, but he felt too good to be truly annoyed
with Okita. Okita just laughed, and let the subject drop.

Nothing changed for some time, in the
night Saitou would leave his pack to meet Kenshin, and after some time his
companions didn’t even bother to ask. He should have known that things never
last, and good things last even less.

His feelings for the red head were
strong, stronger than anything he had felt before; but he didn’t intend to tell
anything. Both of them were aware of the dangers of their relationship, even if
Saitou didn’t know yet what it was what Kenshin did for the Ishinshishi.
Kenshin refused to talk about the war, or about what he did in Kyoto, and after
a few unsuccessful conversations, Saitou let it rest. He had better things to
do with his time with Kenshin to spend it arguing. It was clear that their
ideals weren’t the same.

“What are you fighting for, Hajime?”
Kenshin asked him one night, he had begun to call him by his given name, and
Saitou felt even more comfortable with the new intimacy.

“Aku Soku Zan”

“Ah, so that is your motto. I like it.”
Kenshin smiled at him “maybe one day I’ll have the privilege of being slayed by
you.”

That was one of the few things Saitou
didn’t like, how Kenshin talked in that mysterious way is, is, as if he had
some kind of secret, something that made him evil. It wasn’t the first time he
had mentioned something like that, but always he realized and turned the
conversation. This time was different. Something must have happened that day.

“I can’t see how, you’re not evil by my
accounts.” He said tensely.

“But I am, I’m not what you think.”
Kenshin’s voice was just a whisper, and Saitou realized he was half asleep,
maybe that was the reason he didn’t know what he was saying. “My hands are
stained…” and the voice trailed off into sleep. His sleep was fitful and
restless, plagued by nightmares. Saitou watched over him in those nights,
shocked with himself for the tenderness the boy arouse in him.

He looked even younger in his sleep, his
face relaxed when he wasn’t fighting his nightmares, the soft lips slightly
parted and the breath even. Sometimes Saitou wondered what was he doing with
Kenshin, if it wasn’t for the moments when he could see the darkness
surrounding him, he would feel like he was corrupting an innocent.

But as Kenshin had proved several times,
he was far beyond that. His body knew about sensual pleasures, and his heart
knew about death and hardship. And there was something more, Saitou was afraid
that Kenshin wasn’t entirely sane. There was a hint of insanity behind some of
his words, some deep sorrow that was rotting his soul. But there was nothing he
could do about that, Kenshin refused to talk about what troubled him.

The other thing that had Saitou restless
those days was Battousai, for several day the assassin had been quiet, no
bodies were found, not a single word hinting he was still around. And that was
suspicious. Only once he attacked, and Saitou couldn’t think about that night
because that day he found Kenshin upset, and the night was the worst he could
remember.

 

 

Thinking
about it Saitou realized he should have made the connection sooner, but it was
so clear in front of his eyes he couldn’t even think about it. Those few weeks
were some of the memories he never visited, the best weeks and the worst weeks
he could remember.

And
all ended so suddenly, nothing the could have done would have changed the
result.

 

 

Kenshin looked at the black envelope in
his hands, not wanting to know the name of his next victim. He had a bad
ing ing about it, and he didn’t want to do it. This time it was more than his
usual reserve to take a life, even for the cause. This time there was a sense
of dread gathering in his gut what hindered his hands. He didn’t want to open
the envelope.

“Himura,” Kagara Kogoro’s voice took him
out of his musings. “I know that it’s a dangerous assignment, but he’s been
investigating and he’s close to find out about you. It’s not honourable, but it
has to be done.”

Even more unsettled by his words, Kenshin
just nodded and took his swords. Getting ready for his work had a soothing
quality, that this time didn’t help at all.

Scolding himself for his weakness,
Kenshin tore open the envelope and took the white sheet inside, staring wide
eyed at the name written there.

Saitou Hajime.

 

 

“Saitou-san, there’s a boy with a message
for you.” Okita called Saitou from outside the room, and annoyed, Saitou
stepped outside and glared at them both. He was resting, the morning had been
hard and long, but he was close to find about Battousai. He had met someone
with connections inside the Ishinshishi, and he agreed to give him some
important information.

He took the envelope and left without
saying anything, leaving Okita to pay the boy if necessary.

“Don’t leave your pack tonight, the
shadow is after you.”

That was all the message said, and he
knew who had sent it. Kenshin. Why, and how did he know that Battousai was
after him? It was unnerving, to say the least, but he wasn’t scared of a shadow
assassin that never showed his face. He wasn’t scared in the least. He should
have known better.

Ignoring the advice he left his unit that
night, going to the same place where he met Kenshin every day.

Kenshin wasn’t there, the place was dark
and cold, and Kenshin wasn’t there. He should have known that if Kenshin asked
him not to go, he wouldn’t come either. Maybe someone from the Ishin knew about
them, and he didn’t want to be treated as a traitor. Or maybe he didn’t want to
face Battousai, if he knew Saitou was his next target.

But how had Kenshin known who would the
next victim be? And why had he warned him? They knew they were enemies, and
that if things came to open battle they would fight.

He needed to know, so he waited there.

“I told you to stay with your unit,
Hajime.” Kenshin’s voice startled him “why wouldn’t you follow my ce ece even
once?”

Saitou turned to look at him, but he was
surrounded by darkness, and he could only hint his figure in front of him.

“I’m not scared of Battousai, you know I
want to fight him.”

A sad sigh, and Kenshin took one step
towards him, still framed by the shadows.

“I know, I’ve known all along this would
happen. Sooner or later this had to end. But I wanted to be just Kenshin for
some more time.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He said annoyed, it wasn’t the time to talk in riddles. “How do you know
Battousai is after me?”

As only answer a black envelope landed by
his feet, Saitou bent to retrieve it, and took the paper from inside. His name.


“This is how? This means you took the
envelope?” Kenshin couldn’t, he couldn’t have exposed himself like that. And
was he that close to Battousai to know the meaning of that, and to have the
chance of taking it? There was something really wrong there.

“No, I never wanted this to end this
way,” he kept moving closer, and Saitou realized for the first time that he was
carrying weapons with him. “I hoped you weren’t here, I warned you to stay with
your unit. But you had to come, you had to pay no heed to my advice and come. I
don’t want to, but I have no other choice, you understand it, don’t you
Hajime?”

He was beginning to feel scared, but not
for himself, Kenshin’s behaviour was strange, and his words even crazier than
usual.

“What’s wrong Kenshin? Why are you
armed?” but Kenshin continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

“Please, just forgive me.” His voice
shook, and he took a deep breath, as if steeling himself “Just let me tell you
this. I love you, Hajime. I don’t want to do this, but we are in the middle of
a war.”

Saitou felt sick at his words, he
couldn’t mean what he thought. No, that couldn’t be, he was saying goodbye for
some reason.

“Saitou Hajime, Captain of the Third unit
of the Shinshengumi,” Kenshin’s voice changed, filled now with a coldness that
his pained eyes belied. “you are an enemy of our cause; though I hold no grudge
against you, I Himura Battousai of the Ishinshishi will take your life.”

Battousai?

 

 

Kenshin
knew there was something wrong as soon as he crossed the dojo’s gates. His
heart recognized the scene before his mind did, and thought he knew at sight
who was who did it, he didn’t want to acknowledge it. Rubbing his shoulder
absentmindedly, he looked at Sano, unconscious and bleeding. Yes, he knew who
did it, but he wasn’t ready to face him. Not yet, maybe not ever.

Wasn’t
his mind telling him all daat tat this was going to happen? Wasn’t that the
reason he was reliving his best and worst memories?

He
sat looking into nothingness, his hand on the faded scar that now mirrored
Sano’s.

 

 

For the first time since they met,
Kenshin could read Saitou’s eyes. And what he was seeing there didn’t bode
well. First incredulity, shock, suspicion and then hate.

Saitou shot him a hate filled glare while
he unsheathed his own sword.

“What are you plg atg at, Kenshin?”

“This is no game, Saitou-san,” he
answered, reverting to call him by his surname. The man in front of him wasn’t
his lover, was his victim. If he could convince himself of that, maybe he would
be able to do his job. “I didn’t you you to find out like this, but I have
orders, and I can’t disobey them.”

“So you’ve been playing all this time, is
that what you’re telling me?” Saitou spat, more hurt and furious than he had
ever been.

Some things were clicking into place,
fragments of conversations that were telling him it was true. Kenshin was
Battousai, and all that time he had been keeping that information from him.

‘What is that you do for the Ishin?’

‘Just what I have to do.’

‘he dhe do that to you?’

‘In a way of speaking.’

‘There’s nothing he can do to me, nothing
worse than he had already done.’

‘I fight him everyday, but I never
said I fought him.’

‘Appearances can be deceiving.’

‘I’m not what you think, my hands are
stained…’

‘Ruthless… we’re in the middle of a
war, Saitou-san, it’s necessary to be ruthless to survive.’

Yes, he could see now that all that time
Kenshin’s insanity had been hinting that, that the secret he kept was a blood
one. And why was possible that no one found information about Battousai. A boy,
someone who hadn’t even mastered his school. Nobody would have believed it.

“Don’t make this harder Saitou-san.”
Kenshin, no, Battousai said “Kami knows it’s hard enough as it is.”

And then he attacked, and Saitou saw for
the first time why he was considered almost a monster. That speed, in once second
he was in front of him, looking at him with those pained amber eyes, and the
next second Saitou was hard pressed to block a blow coming from above. Someone
less skilled than himself would be already dead, but Saitou wasn’t an ordinary
swordsman either, he had the strength and determination to match Battousai’s.
The time to speak was over, now it was the time to fight.

Battousai retreated to the furthest
corner, as if considering his next move, and Saitou saw his chance to attack.
He had a strong defence, but his strength really showed in attack, and if he
could stop seeing the one he was fighting as Kenshin, and begin to regard him
as Battousai, he would win that fight. He had no intention to lose.

Unsheathing his sword with a surprising
speed, Battousai blocked him, and Saitou had to dodge the next blow. Two step
Battoujutsu, the origin of the name. He was really Battousai.

For several minutes the fight progressed
in the same way, both of them trying to reach the other, and both of them
failing. And it was then when Saitou realized of something. He didn’t know if
Battousai was conscious of that, but he was leaving an opening to attack on his
left side when he performed some of his moves. A blind spot no one had seen
before? It wasn’t very likely.

But that was not the time to think why he
had that chance, it was timetime to take it.

The next attack came when he was
expecting him, reading Battousai in battle was easier than reading Kenshin’s
moods; and Saitou was ready when the chance presented itself. That opening was
there, and aiming for his heart Saitou took his Gatoutsu stance.

That was it, wasn’t it? The chance of
defeating the shadow he had been following. Why did it seemed so wrong then?
The flicker of emotion he saw in Battousai’s eyes told him the reason.

‘Maybe one day I’ll have the privilege
to be slayed by you.’

He knew about that, he was letting him
win, he was letting him him him. In one second he changed the aim, and instead
to finish him, he pierced his shoulder, pinning him to the wall.

A clean wound, but Battousai was now
immobilised. And when he realized what happened he struggled to break free.
Saitou kicked the sword off his hand and approached him, even more furious than
before.

The first blow stunned the red head into
silence, and Saitou stood in front of him, growling.

“Oh, no” he said menacingly “you’re not
getting out of this easily, I’m not going to give you that way out.”

Battousai just looked at him, silent, his
eyes not showing any emotion. And then he sighed, and dropped his eyes.

“Please.”

“Why aren’t you fighting me as you
should? You think I would just kill you, that I wouldn’t notice?”

Battousai just shook his head, gritting
his teeth against the pain that must be coursing him. He was still pressed
against the wall, Saitou’s sword keeping him in place.

“If you want to die so much fight me
properly, you’ll die anyway.” Saitou snarled, regarding the boy in front of him
as if seeing him for the first time.

“I can’t, I’d kill you, and I can’t do
that. You wanted to kill Battousai, this is your chance.”

Saitou slapped him again, harder than
before. A strangled whimper left Battousai’s lips, the movement causing even
more pain on his shoulder.

“I want to fight the real Battousai,
you’re just fighting to get killed.”

“I am Battousai, though I’ve never wanted
to be.”

“I know who you are, but that’s not what
I’m saying. You’re not using all your strength, leaving me an opening to kill
you. Do you really think I would fall for that?”

“I can’t, I can’t kill you. I’d lose
everything.”

“Kids shouldn’t play with swords,” Saitou
seethed “I’ll make you fight me.”

“There’s nothing you can do to change my
mind.”

“Oh, but there is.” Saitou smirked, and
then yanked his sword free.

The sudden movement made Battousai fall
to the floor, and before he could react Saitou was over him, taking his swords
and tossing them aside. Realization dawned, and he struggled to get free. A
hard punch to his wound made him dizzy, and those few seconds were all Saitou
needed.

“No, not like this.” He screamed as Saitou
tore his clothes.

“I’ll make you want to kill me, next time
you’ll fight me for real.” Saitou could feel his blood pounding in his temples,
and soon he couldn’t see anything but the pained expression on the red head’s
eyes.

“Don’t, don’t do it!! Saitou!!”

 

 

Saitou looked at the silent boy laying on
the floor, for the last minutes he had been silent, not even trying to get free
anymore; and for the first time since the fight began he saw him as Kenshin.
And unwanted guilt took hold of his heart.

He stood again and rearranged his
clothes, not looking at Kenshin anymore, but listening to the pained sobs that
filled the room.

“I’ll kill you, Saitou.” The coldness and
hate behind those words left no doubt that this time he meant it, and Saitou
just nodded. “You couldn’t leave me even that way out, even those memories.
Now I don’t have anything.”

Saitou refused to feel bad about it,
Kenshin was the one who lied to him, the one who kept the secret and then tried
to force him to kill him. He wasn’t the one at fault. He turned to leave.

“Next time we see each other,” Kenshin
called to the retreating back “one of us will die.”

“So be it.” Saitou crossed the door
without looking back; paying no heed to the raged screams he could hear coming
from inside, he went back to his unit.

 

 

It
was time to go back to the dojo. Saitou was sure Battousai would have receiveds mes message, and would be ready to face him. But was he ready? Yes, he had been
ready to finish their fight for more than fourteen years, the last times they fought
were frustrating for their lack of conclusion; though those times it wasn’t
because Battousai hadn’t tried to kill him.

He
succeeded in making Kenshin hate him, maybe what he did a b a bit extreme, but
he was furious and frustrated at that time. Several times afterwards he
regretted taking such extreme measures, specially the first time they met after
that.

 

 

Saitou hadn’t think about Battousai for
months, and the rumours about him had receded. Nobody knew where the man was,
and after the Ikedaya inn incident, where he had thought he might see him, only
to be disappointed, most of the Ishinshishi had left Kyoto.

But now he was back, this time he had
been seen in open battle, not hiding in the shadows anymore. And he knew he was
about to face him again.

Spotting him in the middle of the carnage
wasn’t hard, his red hair flaming in the middle of the bloodshed, sword in hand
and killing without mercy. He looked like a devil, or an angel. Okita, the only
one who knew most of the history, alerted him of the location of his prey.

“Battousai,” he called him when he was
close enough “it’s time.”

Battousai turned, and glared at him with
such hate Saitou almost recoiled at the intensity. There was something
different about him, and it took him a second to realize that where he used to
have his scar, now was another one crossing it.

For a second he wondered how he got that
one, and the old feelings threatened to return. He squashed them, and got ready
to fight him.

His technique was as flawless as the
other time, no openings now. And the battle was fierce and equal. The fury
behind Battousai’s blows matched the one behind Saitou’s, both of them thinking
about their circumstances.

No conclusion was reached thate, ne, nor
it was reached any of the others; every time they met they fought, and Saitou
could swear he heard Battousai muttering under his breath while they fought. ‘I
hate you, I hate you.’

The last time they fought Saitou found
himself asking what had been bothering him all that time, not really expecting
an answer.

“Who did that to you?”

“My wife.”

Married? So much had changed in all those
years, he couldn’t see him as Kenshin anymore, nor he could see a the there.
But how? And why?

He didn’t know he had said that out loud
until Battousai growled and hit him.

“You have no right to ask me those
questions. She did it before I killed her; you’d be glad to know I’m now the
moster you wanted me to be. I killed the one I loved, I have no problem now
killing you too.”

And they resumed their fight, trying
their best to kill one another. And this time, Saitou thought he heard
something different coming from his lips. ate ate you, I love you, I hate
you.’

 

 

Making
him revert to Battousai had been easier than he thought, but in the end they
couldn’t finish. As always, something happened, and this time they were stopped
before they could reach that long postponed conclusion.

But
it was seeing him before the fight what proved to be hard for him, seeing the
peace loving Kenshin he claimed now to be, not a trace of the insanity the boy
showed, nothing that reminded him of the old Kenshin. He seemed to have made
peace with his past, maybe it was time for Saitou to do the same. Saitou looked
at the river in front of his eyes, not really seeing it. He used to go to think
to places like that, and now he had lots of things to think about.

The
boy he knew, the boy he had loved died long ago. Now he realized of that, he
killed him that night.

“I
thought you’d be here.” Battousai’s voice took him out of his thoughts, and he
tensed, grabbing the hilt of his sword before turning around. “No, I didn’t
come to fight now. It’s time for us to talk.”

“Why
would I talk to you?” Saitou asked, glaring at the red head. It was all so wrong with him now. The
way he wore his hair, more like a woman than a samurai, his wrong headed sword,
even his speech was wrong.

“Because
you owe me.”

“I
owe you nothing,” Saitou looked at him, and realized for the first time of the
guarded expression of his eyesd thd the defensive stance. He smirked. “Tell me
one thing, do you still hate me? You used to mutter that while we fought.”

Battousai
backed as if he had been hit, and something flashed in those violet eyes.
Something like pain, Saitou thought. Suddenly he felt really tired, and he lost
all desire of taunt him. Saitou turned to leave.

“Yes,
I still hate you. Did you expect me to do otherwise?” that did it, Saitou
turned to him and closed the space between them in two steps.

“I
did what I had to do,” he growled “You didn’t want to kill me, what made you
think it was easier for me to kill you? At least you didn’t try to kill
yourself anymore, at least you had something to keep going. I’ll say that
again, kids shouldn’t fight wars. You’re not a kid anymore, are you ready to
fight?”

Battousai
smiled grimly, and taking a step back he unsheathed his sword.

“No.”
he said, tossing the sword aside. “I didn’t come here to fight, but to talk. As
you say, I’m not a kid anymore, and I realized what you did long ago. But that
doesn’t change the fact that you did it.” He sighed. “This has been hanging
between us for too long, you asked me if I still hated you, the answer is yes.
And the answer to the other question, the one you won’t ask, is yes too.”

Saitou
just looked at him shocked, had he just told him what he thought he did? And he
saw him for the first time, the boy he would have been without the existence of
Battousai, serious, sincere and lonely. He dropped his sword too, and moved to
sit by the river bank.

“It
has been too many years for us to have this conversation now.” He said.

“I
know.” Kenshin sat by his side, looking at the river. “But it’s not too late.
I’m going to Kyoto.”

“I
know. I’ll go too.”

Saitou
turnedlooklook at him, and seeing the cross shaped scar on his cheek he
remembered that first time they met. Mirroring the same move he lifted his
hand, and touched his face. Kenshin’s hand covered his almost immediately, and
they stayed like that for several heartbeats.

“Will
you tell me about this?” Saitou asked, knowing that he wasn’t just asking that,
but setting the grounds for a new beginning.

“Yes,
the road to Kyoto is long, we’ll have the chance to talk.”

And
as he did that many years ago Saitou stood to leave, offering his hand to
Kenshin. As he always suspected, he wasn’t tall, their height was almost the same
it was then. Saitou bent his head, and took his lips in a soft kiss. There was
no hurry anymore, the road to Kyoto was long, as Kenshin said, and they had all
that time to sort things out.

“Goodbye
for now, Kenshin.” Saitou said when they parted.

“Goodbye,
Hajime.”

 

 

……
Fin