Last Breath

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FIC : [Last Breath] – Chapter two (2.1)
Author : Sagakure
Fandom : Saint Seiya (Knights of the Zodiac, Cavaleiros do Zodiaco, Caballeros del Zodiaco, Chevaliers du Zodiaque).
Pairing : Not exactly yaoi, but I guess it would be Saga x Kanon (might end up evolving into yaoi in the next chapters).
Rating : R (for mature content and utter angst)
Warnings : Death fic.
Disclaimer : I do not own Saint Seiya.
Saint Seiya is (C) of Masami Kurumada, Toei, Shueisha, Akita Shoten and quite probably some more people. No copyright infringement or disrespect intended here. This is a work of fanfiction, done completely for fun. No profit is taken out of it.

Nota (1) : Things between \"::\" and \"::\" are thoughts.

Nota (2) : Kanon and Saga do a great deals of misinterpreting each other’s reactions, so don’t take for granted any of the deductions that come out of it. ;)
It’s really just their mistaken interpretations, and not the truth. Both are feeling horribly guilty for the past, and are terribly afraid of the other’s reactions and/or potential rejection.

Note (3) : I was going to wait until I had a longer chapter before posting this, but I like the ending of the chapter, and so here\'s chapter 2. The rest of the stuff that was going to happen in this chapter will be in the next. ^_^

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Child… Why do you weep?
Why do you struggle when you know well that it will only deepen your suffering?
Can you not hear? ‘Tis the call of those who have passed away. And soon, you too shall rest, for no mortal can change his own fate.
Forget the tears upon your face, for soon all shall pass away…
Fall into my dreamless embrace, and you shall be freed of all distress. Forever.
My silky lips might be cold, but the bliss that they will carry you into is the promise of an eternal slumber, forever free of pain and fear…

“No…no… please…leave me alone…”- Kanon bit hard into the blanket, trying to hold back his sobs, afraid of making noise and waking Saga up. He awakened feeling lost and unsure of what time it was or where exactly he was, but he could see the moon high on the sky through a tall window, and he felt the presence of his brother’s cosmo, asleep somewhere in the same building.
He mustn’t make noise, or let his cosmo attract anyone’s attention.
The surge of panic that was rising inside Kanon’s body forced more burning tears out of his tired eyes.
“Athena…oh please…please…give me the strength to live to see another dawn… Even if it’s the last one…let me spend a little longer by his side…” – he whispered through his clenched teeth, concentrating the meager strands of strength he had left to keep somewhat under control the pain spreading through his abdomen.

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The sun hadn’t reached the zenith yet, but it was already high in the sky.
The midday was close.

Sitting on a wooden stool by the side of the couch, the Gemini saint watched his brother sleep, with a bittersweet smile on his face.

Kanon was so tired that shortly after the sunset of the previous day, he collapsed on the couch and slept until now. At first, Saga had decided to go to bed too, and leave all matters to be discussed the next day, but he sensed great fear and pain in his brother’s cosmo, as much as Kanon might have tried to hide it from him. Unable to sleep anymore, Saga had spent the entire night and the next morning watching over him.
Blissfully unaware of everything around him, the younger twin was enjoying a much-needed rest. He was still wearing nothing but Saga’s blanket, which he had wrapped loosely around himself before dozing off. He might have tossed in his sleep, for he was laying on his side facing the back of the couch, and the blanket had partially slipped off, revealing a portion of a perfect back, lightly muscled and built like that of an ancient statue of marble. He seemed to have lost weight, but it didn’t diminish the gracious beauty of his frame. Even with the pallor of the illness, Kanon’s skin still held a beauty that seemed almost supernatural, in its perfection that nothing could mar.

Saga’s eyes were locked on that patch of skin, not so much because of his brother’s beauty – beauty that he could contemplate any time in a mirror if he so wished – but because he had spotted the tip of a long red gash across the younger twin’s hip and side, barely sticking out of the blanket.
The Gemini saint had been concerned for his brother’s wounds since yesterday, and particularly after he saw the blood on his clothes when he took them to wash. But Kanon had aparently worn the same clothes for several days, which made it difficult to tell how fresh the stains were.
He had assumed that his twin would have had the common sense of caring for his wounds, and that if Kanon had shown no need for medication or bandages, it must be because he wasn’t wounded enough to require immediate care. He should have known that it wasn’t in Kanon’s nature to take proper care of himself. But he couldn’t always know everything, as much as he tried to salvage every little memory from their past.
Seventeen years were a long time, and his brother himself had changed during that time, making it ever harder to guess what he might be likely to think or do. And even thought they had seen each other once again during the Hades battle, it was only for a fleeting moment, not enough to be counted as a real reunion, as they barely had the time to talk to each other.

:: Many of those changes were caused by me... If he has suffered so much, it’s my fault, after all. :: - Saga bit his lip and stared at the ground, once again prisoner of his guilt.

He still couldn’t believe that his brother was back.
Knowing that it might mean a second chance for him was causing his heart to be torn in a storm of contradictory feelings. Immense, uncontrollable hope, but also boundless guilt, eating at him in each of his waking minutes.
Guilt for being sure that he, of all people, should never be given hope or second chances.
Hope that he might be able to make things right, finally, and that they could go back to where their destinies were torn apart, on that fateful afternoon when they were fifteen.

And fear.

A fear different from any fear he had felt before, yet so similar in a certain way.
Fear that Kanon would leave again. That he didn’t trust Saga anymore. How could he? After all that Saga did?!
And more than anything, fear that he would hurt Kanon again. Saga almost felt scared of approaching him, dreading that his brother would break into pieces like something made of glass. A ridiculous thought, considering Kanon was a warrior probably as strong as himself.
But now, he seemed so vulnerable...in fact, a porcelain doll was the metaphor that kept coming to Saga’s mind over and over. Maybe it was because of the pallor of Kanon’s skin… Saga was used to the fact that his brother’s skin was often one tone darker than his own, when they were children. Kanon usually spent more time outside, and was generally more prone to expose himself to the sun than Saga, who was often too busy for that.
But now, Kanon’s skin looked like it hadn’t seen the sunlight in a very long time, an impression further aggravated by the illness.
That might be what reminded Saga of porcelain, and utter frailness.

With a closer look, the older twin realized that part of the pallor’s strange gleam and bluish tone was caused by a web of old bruises all over the slim body. They must be several days old, for they had already almost disappeared, but the residual marks were still identifiable now that the sun filled the room with light. Yet even with those marks, Kanon’s beauty wasn’t marred.

Saga was brought back from his contemplation when a ray of sunlight fell over the patch of skin he had been staring at…and he realized that what had seemed like shadows was actually blood, that must have ran from Kanon’s wounds during the night, staining the couch cushions. Carefully, he extended his hand, as if he was afraid of touching the skin. It felt cool and warm on same time. Feverish, maybe? Saga lightly brushed the very tip of his fingers down the exposed patch of skin on Kanon’s back, along his spine. A light groan emanated from the younger twin, but he didn’t wake up. Gently, Saga tugged on the blanket, precipitating its unwrapping and uncovering more skin. The red gash he had spotted earlier went across Kanon’s hip and seemed to continue down his lower belly. And it wasn’t the only wound either. The older twin took the corner of the blanket and begun to lift it to get a better view of the wounds, when a sudden yelp startled him.


Slowly, consciousness was coming back to him. Kanon couldn’t tell where he was nor for how long he had slept, but that wasn’t anything new ever since this horror had started.
He hated the fact that every single time he would wake up, he was unable to tell where he was, at first.
That and the nightmares. He never knew if they were real or not, or rather which were real and which weren’t.
But for once, he must have slept many hours, because the pain wasn’t bothering him yet. He had gotten used to wake up with it tearing at his insides, often unable to continue to sleep because of it. Ironically, it was useful to him, forcing him to stand and to continue walking, and never stop until he reached Greece. Without the pain reminding him that he had to go on, maybe he would just curl up on the side of the road and die.
His mind had spent days entirely focused on the idea that he had to reach Saga, and so he couldn’t understand why he felt almost relaxed this morning, as if he had achieved something. But he somehow knew that as his consciousness would return, so would the pain, and he would remember where he was.

Kanon’s mind was lulling him with those thoughts in a state between sleep and awake, when suddenly the unsettling sensation of being touched by someone else hit him full blast, making him scream in surprise and reflexively jump, turning around to face the threat and attempting to put some distance between his vulnerable body and the potential enemy. His back slammed hard against the wall just above the cushioned back of the couch, forcing a whimper out of his lips. When the red veil over his eyes dissipated, his first reaction was of utter incomprehension and clinging as if his life depended on it to the blanket that still covered his stomach and legs.


Kanon’s sudden reaction and attempt to escape his touch left Saga frozen in place, unsure of what to do and still holding in his hand the corner of the blanket. Unaware that his brother wasn’t quite himself yet, he tugged at it, pleading : “Kanon, let me see your wounds! You need treatment!”
“No!! You can’t see them!”
Saga felt cold sweat trickle down his back. He stared at Kanon’s face with a look of utter incomprehension, and a nervous smile lifted his lips in painful disbelief.

“W…what? But why?” – Saga continued, dreading his brother’s answer.
“Kanon, there’s nothing there that I haven’t seen myself in the mirror a million times over...”

Kanon felt tears burning his eyes. How could he tell Saga…that they weren’t identical anymore? That he was branded, and his body bore marks that made him different from his twin?
Unable to find an answer to that, the younger twin could only whimper : “I…I can’t show them to you…” – Kanon’s words were said in a broken voice, but they dealt a considerable blow to Saga.

:: I knew it…he doesn’t trusts me anymore. But how could I blame him? I am only reaping what I sowed. :: - Saga’s heart felt like it would split apart, and if he didn’t turn away to hide from his brother the look on his face, he feared that he might have broken down crying.
That was the ultimate blow, for him. Years of hope and waiting for that reunion…only to see his utmost fear come true.

Turning his back to his brother, Saga bit hard into his lower lip to regain control over himself and to steady his voice. “I’ll…I’ll leave you alone, if this is what you wish. Forgive me for bothering you with this.”

Kanon didn’t know what passed suddenly in his brother’s mind, but he felt a bottomless sadness emanating from the older twin. He couldn’t understand what was happening, but it felt as if Saga had just received a blow that nearly destroyed him.
In a moment of panic, Kanon latched for his brother, hugging him from behind with a quick movement that tore a gasp of pain out of his lungs, and blurted : ”Please, don’t go!! I …need you…” He couldn’t quite find the right words, but something told him that if he didn’t stop his brother now, something irreparable might happen.

Saga was tense, his fists clenched and his muscles taut as if he was using all his strength to hold raised to the maximum the mental barriers that prevented his brother from potentially trying to use his cosmo to pry into his mind. Kanon looked down ashamed, and pondered whether he should tell Saga that in his current state, he wouldn’t have the strength to try that anyway. He already felt tired only from the surge of adrenaline of earlier, as well as from moving suddenly to stop his brother from leaving.
The blanket was the only thing between Saga’s back and Kanon’s naked skin, but the pressure between the two bodies held it in place.

If only they could be like before…like they used to be, before everything happened, and tore them apart.
One mind in two bodies. They could almost always guess what was in other’s mind, as well as the other’s feelings, back then.
Nowadays, they felt like two cold mirrors, facing each other but unable to see past the surface of the reflection. Kanon wanted to dive into the mirror, and finally be able to see his brother for real.

But maybe it was too late for that. He had lost this right, and his twin’s heart was locked forever, forbidden to him. Considering all that he had done, he deserved nothing else, after all. And if Saga couldn’t even bear to look at him anymore, it was only fair… At this thought, Kanon’s hands clutched his brother’s shoulders, in a spasm of self-disgust that surged through his body.

The fingers burying themselves into the flesh of his shoulders brought Saga back to reality, and out from the nightmares in which his mind was trying to drown him into once again.
He turned around and was faced with the sight of Kanon looking down in shame, once again holding the blanket to cover the front of his body and hide it from his twin’s eyes.
Saga scanned the younger twin’s features for the slightest sign of anything likely to infuse him with at least some hope, but found nothing.
The older twin couldn’t guess it, but Kanon was too lost in his own guilt to realize his brother’s feelings, which made it impossible for him to convey the impression that Saga needed to be able to go on.
The Gemini saint sighed painfully, swallowing his dashed hopes. He proceeded to lean forward, sliding one hand behind his brother’s knees and another behind his back, then lifted him into his arms, earning a tiny cry of surprise from the younger twin.

Kanon might not ever trust him again, but he had no right to turn his back on him now. His brother needed help, if anything medical help, and the fact that he didn’t deserve to be by Kanon’s side didn’t give him the right to run away. If anything, Saga had the obligation to serve him, at least for this. He ruined not only his own life, but also Kanon’s, and nothing he could do would ever manage to compensate his younger twin for that.

Kanon looked down, ashamed that his weakened condition was so obvious, and avoided his brother’s gaze. Saga winced at his twin’s apparent rejection, and carried Kanon to the bathhouse. On the way there, he found himself stricken by how light the body in his arms seemed. How much weight could Kanon have lost?
Both twins never had any excess weight to begin with. They were built nearly identically, their mass well distributed in the finely chiselled muscles all over their bodies. But now, the younger twin felt as light as a feather for him. A shiver of worry ran through Saga’s body. He had also lost some weight lately, but he knew well that he wasn’t taking good care of himself. And it was nothing compared to how light his twin’s body felt. Kanon didn’t look that much thinner overall, but then again, Saga’s most accurate memories of his brother dated from back when they were much younger. He must have lost quite some muscle mass lately.

Saga put Kanon down on the side of the large rectangular bathtub and turned around to leave after pointing to him the location of the towels, soap and other such items.
Right when he was about to exit the room, Kanon’s voice stopped him, calling his name.
Saga turned hesitantly, with a tiny strand of hope forming deep inside his heart. The younger twin was still sitting on the marble edge, holding the blanket over the front of his body in a protective manner that never ceased to remind Saga of the fact his twin didn’t trust him anymore.
“…Thank you…” – Kanon whispered in a weak voice, and looked down, unsure of what else to say.
“Don’t worry, it’s nothing.” – The older twin answered, swallowing his despair and leaving.


When Saga returned with a square-shaped medical box, Kanon was already inside the bathtub with the water on and didn’t expect his twin to return so soon. He flinched in surprise, suddenly afraid that the Saga would see the marks, a movement that the older twin didn’t miss, and another little thing that appeared at his eyes as an obvious proof of Kanon’s distrust.
Saga put the box down over a large marble chest that served as a bench as well as a place to store towels and other accessories. He patted the box and explained : “You should have all you need here, from medication to bandages. If you need anything else, just call me. I’ll go fetch you some clothes.”
Kanon had a shiver of fear when he heard how monochord his brother’s voice was sounding. Was he angry? He knew that soon or later they would come to this. He knew he shouldn’t have hoped, even for a second.
And as Saga left, Kanon touched his forehead to the side of the bathtub, biting the insides of his cheeks. He didn’t want to cry again. His eyes were too tired, and burned too much for it. And besides, there was way too much despair in him for the tears to be any solace at this point.
He knew from the start that it would be like this. That his brother might act gently for some unknown reason, but deep inside, it wasn’t possible that he had forgiven Kanon. Who could? Only Athena might have been serious about absolving him, but she was a goddess. They were but men, and Kanon knew that he had gone too far to expect to be forgiven by anyone. He sobbed dryly, his hands clutching the cold stone, his hopelessness not even allowing him to find a meager moment of peace in the weeping.

And as the pain spread once again brutally through his mind and body, he struggled to not to cry out, so that Saga wouldn’t hear anything.
Kanon didn’t want to risk having his twin think that he had anything to complain about.


You’re not allowed to weep and grieve for your losses when you deserved them.


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[To Be Continued]