The Changing Tides

Title: The Changing Tides: Chapter 3
Author: JadeHeart
Archived: Found on gurabiteshiyon.net. If anyone else would like it, please ask me first!
Fandom: Gravitation
Rating: R
Warnings: bad language, angst,
Timeline: After the anime/manga finishes, I think.
Characters: Shuichi/Yuki
Feedback: Feedback is always welcome!
Summary: Can Shuichi withstand the ebb and flow of Yuki’s affections?
Author’s Notes : This song wont get out of my head! It’s not even what I would call a ‘good’ song either, but there’s obviously something about it that’s got hooked into my brain, and I’m sorry to say that it appears to be all depressing at the moment! Thank you to the reviewers.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’ , nor am I making any profits from this.


The Changing Tides: Chapter 3

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I wanna be reading your mind
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When Shuichi awoke he was feeling a little chilled, and wondered why. Then he realized that he was lying on the couch, curled up into the corner, cushion under his head, no blanket.

That’s right. He had slept there last night, not in Yuki’s bed. He winced as he stretched out his thin body, joints popping as they gratefully uncramped. He even wriggled his fingers and toes, curling and stretching them. That felt much better!

He stood and padded into the kitchen, putting the water on to boil, glancing up at the clock. It was still quite early. Yuki wouldn’t be awake yet, especially not after having got in so late last night. Or, to be more accurate, very early this morning. Shuichi was the early riser of the two of them, even if he did happen to have late nights. He had become so tired of K dragging him violently out of bed, that he had begun to develop the habit of making certain he woke up early enough to avoid the resultant pain that his Manager would inflict upon him if he didn’t. He had to admit that it was much better now that he did manage to get to work on time. The band accomplished so much more now, and Hiro and Suguru didn’t get mad at him anymore.

He silently walked down the passage. Yuki’s bedroom door was still shut. Very carefully, and, oh, so quietly, he cracked it open, peering in. Shuichi could make out the prone form of his partner, lying on the bed, a sheet crumpled over the lower half of his body.

He carefully took a few steps into the room, making no sound at all, and gazed down at his lover. Yuki was lying on his stomach, one arm stretched out across to the other side of the bed, the side where Shuichi usually slept. He’s probably glad to have the chance to stretch out like this again, Shuichi couldn’t help but think sadly. Yuki’s other arm snaked up to hide under the pillow his head rested on. Shuichi let his gaze roam over the smooth expanse of bare skin of Yuki’s back, following the outline of the ribs, the shoulder blades, the curve of the shoulders. Shuichi knew what that skin felt like under his touch.

Yuki’s face was turned towards the door. It looked serene, the frown lines smoothed away. His pale hair fell across his closed eyes, spread across the pillow he slept on. Yuki looked angelic whilst he was sleeping; relaxed, calm, peaceful. It was a sight Shuichi loved to see. He wished that Yuki looked like that more often. He wished that Yuki could feel that same peace when he was awake, but as soon as those golden eyes opened to look upon a new day, that calm was shattered. Where it went to Shuichi didn’t know. Why it fled, Shuichi didn’t understand, no matter how hard he tried. He really did try to understand Yuki. He tried so hard, but sometimes, even for him, it was difficult.

His hand reached out of its own volition, but he caught it before it could tenderly brush the strands of hair away from the sleeping face. Yuki wouldn’t like getting woken up now. He’d just end up yelling at Shuichi, calling him an idiot, and he didn’t want that. He really didn’t think he could handle that first thing this morning. Not when it was the first day he’d had time off for so long.

He sighed, without sound, then turned and quickly grabbed a change of clothes from the open closet, before padding out, softly closing the door behind him. He listened for a moment, but there was no sound from inside the room. Good, he hadn’t woken Yuki.

Shuichi yawned as he made his way to the bathroom. He would have a shower and he knew he would feel much better after that. He made his shower short, so the sound of the running water through the pipes wouldn’t disturb Yuki. He imagined that Yuki would sleep till quite late today. He had already been tired from finishing his book, and then on top of that, had a really late night of drinking. Yes, Yuki would need quite a bit of time to sleep it off. Shuichi didn’t think that he would see him emerge until at least midday.

Shuichi made himself a coffee, walking out to the balcony. He closed the door after him to keep the sounds of the awakening morning traffic from penetrating inside the apartment. Leaning on the railing, he sipped his drink, looking out over the streets. He liked to listen to the traffic. He enjoyed the feeling of this large, thriving city waking up in the morning. He always felt like he could actually /feel/ the city coming more alive, like a real living being. The masses of humanity that scuttled around and through it, excited him. All that energy! It was that energy that he thrived on, that poured through him, and into his music. He loved this city! He continued to just lean there, drinking his coffee, smiling.

Ah, well, he thought, throwing his arms up to the sky, stretching his fingers as far as they would go as though he was trying to touch the morning sun. Can’t stand here forever. He returned inside, placing his empty cup in the sink. As Yuki wasn’t going to be up for some time, he may as well just start his day, although he wasn’t really sure about what he wanted to do. He really had hoped that today was going to be special. He sighed.

A quick glance in the fridge showed that they were nearly out of milk, and Yuki was down to one beer. If Yuki was going to just sit around today, or even if he was going to start working on his next novel, he was going to probably go through a lot more than just one. Shuichi was also beginning to get a craving for pocky. He always did when he knew he would probably get bored.

He looked at the clock again. The store would be open by now so he may as well go out and do a bit of shopping. He rummaged through the rest of the fridge and cupboards and identified a few other items that they were either completely out of, or close to. Good, he thought, writing himself out a short list, at least that gives him something to do. He grabbed his pack and keys and left the apartment, locking the door behind him.

It was a lovely morning, it really was, he couldn’t help but to feel better about the day. The store wasn’t that far away, but he still took his time getting there. He made certain to stock up well on his pocky. There was all of today and tomorrow to get through.

When he returned to the apartment he still found it in complete silence. He put the groceries away, before tip-toeing down the hall and gently easing Yuki’s door open a crack. He was still there, his position unchanged.

He must be really asleep, Shuichi thought, again closing the door. He wandered back into the lounge room. Well, what should he do? He pursed his lips as he thought for a moment. Hiro was out of town, and he didn’t really want to hang out with Suguru. Nothing really against the guy, but the two of them just weren’t best friends. They were two completely different types of personalities. Professionally, they could spend time together, personally they rarely did. That’s just the way it was.

He thought about going home and visiting his family, but that felt too much like just running away. Things weren’t going his way so he was going to run to the nearest place of comfort. He had to stop doing that. Maybe he’ll go there tomorrow and see them, that wouldn’t be too bad.

But what to do today? Already he was beginning to feel bored. He wasn’t the sort of person who could just sit around doing nothing all the time. Making a decision, he grabbed a couple of packets of pocky, scooped up his pack and left the apartment again.

He set out at a run through the streets until he reached the park. Throwing himself onto a bench, he took out his bottle of water and downed a couple of deep gulps. He was a little breathless, but felt good from the run. He looked around and took in the surroundings, smiling to himself. He liked it here, he always had. For some reason it always made him feel better just being here. He reached into his pack, pulling out his ipod and notebook. He could just sit here and listen to some music, do some writing, and maybe come up with some lyrics for some new songs. Wouldn’t Hiro be surprised if he presented him with the words for their next hit song! He would love to see the expression on his friend’s face! Humming to himself, he began to scribble.

His hand reached out and grasped nothing. Glancing down he couldn’t see any sticks peeking out of the packet. He picked it up, turning it upside down, even giving it a shake. Nope, it was empty alright. He sighed. He couldn’t get inspired with no pocky.

He looked at his watch. Wow, it was already 1.00 pm! The morning had disappeared so quickly! His notebook had pages upon pages filled; words scribbled, arrows scrawled from line to line, crossing outs, even little stick figures drawn in the margins where he had doodled whilst thinking.

He flipped back through the pages. He wasn’t sure there was anything there that Bad Luck could really use, but some of it might flow into something else later. Whether it did or not, it had served its purpose. It had kept him occupied and in a good frame of mind.

He rolled his shoulders, shaking out the slight cramp from sitting hunched over his writing. Yuki might be awake by now, he thought, packing up his bag and standing. He tossed the empty pocky packet into the nearby bin, as well as the two empty water bottles. He’ll go home and see. Perhaps Yuki will be in a better mood today.

He didn’t rush back, strolling along, stopping to look at the shop fronts, even ducking inside a couple of times. Once to grab a couple of music magazines that featured articles about Bad Luck, and another time to stock up on more pocky. It was a good thing that his high metabolism managed to burn off all the calories he consumed or he’d look like a blimp!

He opened the door to the apartment. Yuki’s shoes were still there, so he hadn’t gone out. There wasn’t any sound though. Quietly Shuichi walked in. If Yuki was still asleep he didn’t want to disturb him. No Yuki in the lounge room or kitchen, he couldn’t hear the sound of water so Yuki wasn’t in the bathroom. He wandered down the hall and heard the soft tapping.

Cautiously peering around the frame he saw Yuki sitting at his desk, typing. His hair was still wet so he obviously hadn’t been up long, at least not long out of a shower, and Yuki hated waking up and not being able to shower almost immediately.

Shuichi just stood there watching him. Yuki was frowning slightly in concentration, his fingers flying across the keyboard. Shuichi wondered what he was working on. Maybe his editor had asked him to do some rewrites. Yuki hated it when they made him do that. Sometimes he refused, but not too often. Despite Yuki not liking the idea of having go back and change his original work, he was also practical enough to realize that sometimes it was required. Fortunately, it didn’t happen too often.

Or maybe he was already busy starting a new book. Shuichi really admired Yuki’s writing talent, how he could create stories that so many people loved so much. It made Shuichi feel very proud of his partner, proud to be with such a person.

He continued to stand there, gazing upon the working man. He didn’t spend much time with Yuki when he was writing. He remembered a time, not long after they had first met, when he had sat there in the office next to Yuki, chattering away a hundred miles a minute, about his day and everything that had been happening with the band, whilst Yuki continued to type.

Now, he understood just how special that time had been. Yuki had been just as busy back then, he still had his work to do, but he had allowed Shuichi to sit there talking, disturbing his quiet at the same time. It had been one of those ways that Yuki had shown Shuichi just how much he cared for him, just how special he really thought Shuichi had been. They hadn’t done that for a long time. They were both so busy most times with their work, that it wasn’t often that Shuichi was here anymore to just sit in the office and chatter to Yuki. Or Yuki was too close to deadlines and that was a time when no-one, not even Shuichi, would dare to disturb him.

Shuichi allowed his gaze to wander over the seated form. What was Yuki thinking? he wondered. Probably just his book, and what ever idea that was currently flowing through his mind. What had Yuki thought when he had woken up this morning, alone in his bed? Did he wonder why Shuichi wasn’t there beside him? Would he have remembered why Shuichi wasn’t? Or did he just think how wonderful it was to have his bed back all to himself. When he got up, did he look for Shuichi? Did he wonder why he wasn’t in the apartment? Did he worry that he wasn’t there? Shuichi knew that if the situation had been reversed, he would have been frantic with not finding Yuki there, but that was him. Perhaps all Yuki had thought about was how peaceful it was. Though then again, probably the very first thought Yuki had was to think of coffee and a shower.

When Shuichi wasn’t here, did Yuki miss him at all? Did Yuki even like having him around still? Had he ever? Shuichi gnawed his lip. What did Yuki really think of him?

He looked at his lover’s face in profile. It was a beautiful face, a face that many people, both male and female, would kill for. It had completely taken Shuichi’s breath away the first time he had seen it. He remembered that night vividly, even though he hadn’t understood everything back then. What had Yuki thought of that night?

What did Yuki really think of Shuichi? They had been through so much together. There had been some really difficult times, confusing times for both of them, trying to come to terms with each other, and their situation. They had had to fight against the pull of the past, and the tug of the present. Through all that, Shuichi had been looking forward to the future, a future with the two of them together. Was Yuki thinking the same?

He still wondered about everything, he still had doubts. Doubts about himself, doubts about Yuki’s feelings, doubts about their relationship. Sometimes he wondered, was their relationship just a sham, something that just ‘happened’, and wasn’t truly real. That it wasn’t really based on ‘them’, but merely a result of all the media attention that had suddenly occurred. Was that all it was? Would it just fade away because it had been built on nothing concrete?

Even the way they had become lovers initially, the way Yuki took him that first time, it wasn’t exactly some sort of romantic moment. It was a little forceful, hurried, as though Yuki had just wanted to get past that point of agreeing to take Shuichi as his lover. Did Yuki regret that time, that moment of weakness?

Surely he couldn’t. They had come so far since then, been through so much. He had seen Yuki become more possessive of him, wanting him to be around, even asking him when he would be home for dinner. All those sweet moments that showed he cared. It did show that he cared. Didn’t it?

Yuki continued to type, never pausing. He must be really having a great idea, Shuichi thought, watching those long fingers flashing. He could only type with two fingers, mainly because he had never bothered trying to learn to type properly. Yuki had told him once that he should be able to type better than he did, because he was a synth player and so was used to using all his fingers equally. Shuichi guessed he was just lazy, and couldn’t be bothered.

What do you really think of me, Yuki? he wondered, watching the way the blond hair fell over the man’s eyes. You don’t tell me. Not in words. You don’t tell me you love me. You don’t tell me you really want to spend time with me. You don’t tell me to leave, but you don’t tell me you want me to stay either. What do you really want? Do you want me, for me, or do you want me, simply because I’m here? What do you really want, Yuki?

Shuichi wished he understood Yuki better, he really did. If he understood him better, he would know what Yuki wanted, what Yuki really thought. He would be able to understand Yuki’s silences, and know that behind the harsh words there was a different meaning. But Yuki never let him get inside his mind. Yuki didn’t let anyone get inside his mind. Tohma might be the only one that would come even close to knowing what Yuki was thinking. Shuichi knew that he was jealous of Tohma because of that. Tohma still knew so much more about Yuki than Shuichi did.

“Are you going to stand there all day?”

He started at the sound of Yuki’s voice. “Oh, sorry! I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Huh! Get me a coffee.” Yuki ordered, fingers still tapping. “Bloody re-writes!” Shuichi heard him mutter as he turned away.

He really did wish he knew what Yuki was truly thinking.