The Replacement

The Secret Love

The room was pitch black, save for the small reading lamp that was located on the maple desk by the window. Its glow didn’t expand to the entirety of the room but the distance it did cover was more than enough to read by; and that was the exact purpose it was being put to use to right now.

There in front of the desk, hunched over and very into a red book sat a boy. The appearance that this boy would have given would have said something as to how he was such a studious student, always studying and being completely thorough with his work, his calm and collect face never giving away any secrets as to what was going on inside. The fact that appearances are not always what they seem to be was definitely a good point in this case because though that is what he appeared to be, it was far from the truth.

The only reason he was hunched over the book reading so intently was because he continually read the same passage over and over again because his mind was so far in thought he never processed the words he was reading. Though his face was that of calm and collected person, inside he was fighting a battle against himself and he was afraid that there was going to be no winner.

After the 23rd time of reading that page the boy angrily decided to give up and slammed the book shut and placed it on the table, neatly beside his other school books. He placed his head down onto his folded arms and breathed in the scent of the wood as his mind raced. It can’t be, he thought as he mentally shook himself.

I can’t be this way, it is wrong on so many levels. I would be a disgrace. But how can I change the way that I feel? When I look into those eyes my heart quickens and I feel like someone is squeezing my chest so hard I can’t breathe. God what is wrong with me? Maybe I should just accept the fact that I am…NO!

“I AM NOT LIKE HIM!”

He screamed the last words and he slammed his fist into the desk and slowly the tears began to fall from his eyes. He wouldn’t, no he couldn’t admit it to himself. Not now, not this way. He wasn’t ready. There was no way he could take it at this point in his life. He simply just had to deny it. He had to close away those feelings, along with so many others, in his heart and never let them out, never let the world see him for who he was. A fake…

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It had been nearly a week since the incident with Ayame and Hatsuharu had managed to completely block the incident from his mind. A bit more forcefully than he thought he should have to. He lay on his back in his bed with his arms behind his head while he drifted in and out of sleep.

The sun hit the tree outside of his window perfectly so that it created beautiful dancing shadows on his ceiling that were increasingly catching his interest. He would see a small shadow seemingly hop across the ceiling and he would smile as he thought of a small rat hopping playfully across his ceiling. He would then see an image that looked like a small cow sitting at an odd angle and watch as the rat hopped over towards it. Then seemingly out of no where something would slither by and as if it was actually alive, eat the rat and slither away.

Haru shook his head; it wasn’t good staring at things like that. It gave him odd thoughts and he didn’t want to revisit any of those thoughts he had been having over the past few days. Not after how much energy he had spent trying to rid himself of those thoughts to begin with.

He rolled over in his bed away from the window and reached under his pillows pulling out what looked like a much worn stuffed rat. When he had been younger and still so naïve, before he had truly met Yuki and spoken with him, the stuffed rat had worked as a sort of punching bag while he had been so angry at times. After his encounter with Yuki, the rat had affectionately been renamed to ‘Chibi Yuki’ and remained under his pillow during the day and in his arms while he slept at night. It wasn’t supposed to be a replacement for the real thing, not at first, but gradually over time Haru had become just as attached to the stuffed rat as he was to the real one.

The ushi hugged Chibi Yuki to his chest and closed his eyes, fully intent on taking a very not so needed nap since that was what he had mainly been doing since his suspension when a nock sounded at the front door. One eye peeped up and looked out of the window to see Hatori standing outside looking very irritated. Go away Hatori, he thought as he laid his head back down on the pillow. Maybe if I don’t answer he will go away. He thought hopefully when the nock sounded again.

He waited a few moments more and was content when the knocking stopped. Really, he thought as he hugged Chibi to him, if he expects people to react he should be a little more insistent.

“Just because your suspended doesn’t mean it gives you the right to be lazy enough to not answer the door Haa-Kun.” Haru nearly yelped out of his skin as he sat up and spun around to look at the window where Hatori now stood with a scowl that he often seemed to have whenever looking at Haru. He quickly stuffed Chibi back under the pillows and stood up with an angry scowl of his own. He was about to make an angry retort back to Hatori when he spoke first.

“Now, open the door when I come to the front this time.” And with that he left the window and within a couple of minute the knocking started at the front door again. Grumpily and bordering his black side Haru stood all the way up, stretched, and taking his time walked into the front room and allowed Hatori access to the home.

“What do you want?” He asked in a not so kind voice that let Hatori know immediately that he was on the verge of dealing with a black Haru. Hatori slipped his shoes off at the door and walked into the living room taking a seat on the large black leather couch. Hatsuharu followed behind him and took a seat in a very large chair that matched the couch.

“Well?”

“I have taken the liberty of speaking with your principal and he has agreed to let you come back to school starting tomorrow…”

“Great thanks exactly what I wanted to hear.” Haru muttered as he looked away from Hatori and pulled his legs up to his chest and leaned his head back and away from Hatori. He was comfortable now that he knew why Hatori was here and so now he was just eager to get back to his nap and to see Hatori to the door.

“Well if that’s all…”

“That’s not all Hatsuharu-Kun.” Hatori said, using his actual name which was unusual for him to do. The ushi lifted his head and looked to Hatori with a concerned look in his eyes. “What else?” He asked, his black personally subsiding as he looked into those cold eyes.

“I know that while you were staying with Ayame-San that something happened between the two of you…”

“Hey, look nothing happened, and even if it did it wouldn’t be any of your damn business.”

“…and I think that it would be in your best interest if you just stayed away from him.”

Hatsuharu blinked a little surprised as Hatori stood and made his way to the front room were he began to put his shoes on. The ushi was a little shocked at the blatant warning from Hatori, but quickly recovered as he stood and followed him to the front room. He wasn’t sure what made him become so defensive all of a sudden. What had taken place between Ayame and himself was a one time well in this case a two time thing there was no attachment at all but that didn’t stop him from arguing anymore.

“What the hell do you mean stay away from him? He isn’t yours to command! He doesn’t belong to you!” Haru felt his anger flare up as he stared at the placid looking dragon. Hatori grabbed the handle of the door knock and looked back at Hatsuharu with what looked like utter despair locked in his eyes.

“You are right Haa-Kun, he doesn’t belong to me. But he doesn’t belong to you either.” His eyes dropped and he looked to the floor as he slowly opened the door. “He…you…me…we all belong to Akito. Remember that and maybe you won’t have to go through what we did.” And with that Hatori disappeared beyond the door, closing it behind him.

Hatsuharu stood there dumbfounded for many minutes. Of course he was right, in the end they all belonged to Akito and it was ultimately his decision that decided their fate, but what did he mean about what they went through? Had something happened between the two of them that he hadn’t known about.

The ushi slipped into his large black boots and slipped on his long white coat, he had decided that he wanted to go for a walk and think on things for a while. He left the small house in the large main Sohma estate and proceeded to walk quietly down the outer building and through the gate containing the entire compound.

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The smell of lavender floated through the apartment building as the rain pelted the windows. Ayame sat in his living room with a large sketch pad on his lap as he contemplated new designs he was likely going to create for the new winter line. Surprisingly he found that all of his male models that he was drawing tended to have a bit of what looked like a Haru type style. He smiled sheepishly to himself as he embellished their outfits according to what he thought would look good on Haru. He had had the urge to call the sexy ushi several times that week though the one time he did there was no answer on the other end.

Indeed he hadn’t heard from Haru for at least a week and he was beginning to worry about the boy. Hatori had said something about Haru not leaving his house the whole time he was on suspension and had inquired as to what Ayame had done that would put him in such a hermit like state. Ayame had been more than glad to go over all of the hot and steamy details with Hatori but he had soon found himself speaking to a dial tone.

Now as he looked at a drawing of Haru wearing nothing but a leather thong and a choker with a leash, Ayame pondered the thought that maybe he had gone too far with his younger cousin. It had definitely been Haru who had taken charge very quickly even though it was Ayame who had initiated it, so Ayame wasn’t exactly sure that he had gone too far because it was Haru’s doing.

As his thoughts wondered he remembered in very vivid detail all of the events that had transpired and how he yearned for more of that tantalizing body but sadly he worried what he had received was nothing but a sample.

Well at least I have the tape, Ayame thought as a knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts. The hebi closed the sketch book and placed it aside as he gracefully stood and seemingly glided to the door. He peeped through the little ‘peep hole’ and a broad smile plastered to his lips as he saw who was waiting just beyond the piece of wood.

Ayame quickly checked his long silver hair to see if there was any piece out of place, as if that ever happened, and double checked his long flowing violet outfit before opening the door and tilting his head to one side as he leaned against the door frame charmingly.

“Come back for more?” He asked playfully as Hatsuharu flew past him and went into the room, not even bothering to take his shoes off as he began to pace in Ayame’s living room. Aya closed the door behind him and locked it, just to make sure that they were not disturbed.

“Haru-Kun please while you are in my home will you please take off your boots? And feel more than free to relieve yourself of the rest of your clothing as well.” He said with a small smirk as he made his way over and took a seat on the couch.

Haru didn’t bother answering him instead he continued to pace the room as his thoughts were jumbling through his mind. Why the hell did I have to come here? He asked himself while he paced. It wasn’t his intentions of coming to see Ayame though after 9 hours of aimless wandering he had found himself at the foot of the apartment building. He suddenly remembered the conversation with Hatori and stopped in his tracks while he turned angrily on Ayame.

“Did you tell Hatori what we did?”

Ayame suddenly understood why Hatsuharu was here as he patted the position on the couch next to him, urging Haru to sit next to him. When Haru didn’t move he gave him one of those ‘you have to give a little to get a little’ looks and so giving in Haru walked over and sat down next to Ayame on the couch.

“I did say something to Hatori Haru,” he tired to place his hand on Haru’s shoulder but he shrugged it off, “you have to understand something about Hatori and me. If I had denied that we had done anything he would have been suspicious if I admit that we had done something he would have just brushed it off and forgotten about it.”

“Yeah well he didn’t just brush it off and forget about it he came and told me to stay away form you.”

Ayame’s eyes darkened as he looked at Hatsuharu. Never had he believed that Hatori would take him seriously or that he would have the audacity to confront Hatsuharu about it. He looked into Hatsuharu’s eyes and his eyes became full of sadness, he had never meant to betray him.

“Haru-Kun I am so…”

“What happened between you and Hatori?” Haru cut him off with his own question. The question that had been nagging at him through the intensive hours he had been all over the city. The real reason that he had wanted to speak with Ayame was to find that answer to the question. Aya closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose.
This was a sore subject for him to speak about; it had been for as long as it had plagued his thoughts and his memories. He didn’t want to talk about it; it was hard enough talking about it with Hatori let alone Hatsuharu. Though after he had let it out that they had been intimate he felt that in some way he owed it to Haru to explain.

He kept his eyes closed as he began to speak.

“When Kana left Hatori was a mess. He would spend hours in his room crying for the loss of his love. The only time he would leave was when he had to see Akito and that alone brought him much pain. You remember what I told you that night that you were here in my apartment, that first night? “Neither of us can have the ones we truly love.” It didn’t occur to you to wonder who it was that I loved did it?”

He looked at Haru from under hooded lids as Haru slowly shook his head though it was apparent that he was putting two and two together. Ayame closed his eyes and he continued on with his story.

“That’s right, I loved Hatori and I still do. After Kana left it was up to Shigure and me to cheer him up. You have no idea how long it took for us to get him back to a would be normal state. I had always admired Hatori for everything that he was and up until then I had had a sort of love that a student has for a teacher.

“During that time we became close though, too close for Akito to be happy. I truly fell in love with the man. He was everything to me and I would do anything to make him happy as I still to today. Listening to what he wants and following accordingly is the littlest thing I can do to show that I care. Hatori fell in love with me too.

“After everything was settled at the main house he would come over here and we would spend the evenings together in each others arms. Talking of the future or what we wished it could be like. I substituted for Kana for the longest time I made him feel whole for her. And then gradually he came to need me, the real me and not some replacement, just as much as I needed him.

“All this happened through many months and we kept our love a secret, ever from our dearest friend Shigure. We couldn’t take any chances of Akito finding out, but that didn’t stop it. Akito may be locked up in that place but he always seems to have eyes everywhere. He always finds out as he did with us.

“His reaction wasn’t as bad as it was with Kana; instead he spoke with Hatori alone. He simply threatened him but with that little bit of a threat Hatori knew that we had to end our relationship. He stayed distant for the longest time, not telling me what had happened till finally I had gotten the truth out of him. He was so angry; I don’t think I have ever seen him that angry.

“He said that he didn’t want me anymore that he didn’t need me. I told him I loved him and I would always be his weather he wanted me or not. He had grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me telling me I never dare utter those words again. That he did not have me and I did not have him that we were mere puppets and our puppeteer was Akito.

“It hurt to hear him say those things, but I knew what was behind it. I couldn’t blame Hatori for his anger, for his fear, his fear that something would happen to me. He was utterly terrified that he would have to erase my memories just like he did Kana’s. I believe that he chose to distance himself than rather do that again, I don’t think that he could have taken it one more time. No matter what though I will always love him. He will always have a place in my heart that I hold dear just for him.”

Hatsuharu sat holding his chin in his hands as he thought all of this through. He didn’t want it to make sense but it many ways it did. He finally understood the threat that came from Hatori. He just wanted to make sure that he didn’t get hurt like he had. Well that wouldn’t happen because he wasn’t getting into a relationship like that with Ayame.

“The two of you don’t seem like there was ever anything between you.”

“Of course not. We never even told Shigure about our relationship. And eventually things did go back to normal though it was never quiet the same.”

“If you never even told sensei when why did you just tell me?” Haru asked curiosity getting the better of him.

Ayame opened his eyes finally and turned taking Haru’s hands in his own and holding onto them gently as the tears became very apparent in his eyes.

“Because I am sorry for sharing your secret. A secret for a secret I believe. I want you to be able to trust me Haru and know that I did not intentionally tell Hatori just to blab about it. I am truly sorry.”

The ushi felt his heartstrings pulled at the simple yet very meaningful apology. Before he could stop himself he felt himself lean forward and brush his lips lightly across the hebi’s in a soft but reassuring kiss. He slowly pulled away and looked into those golden eyes as they gleamed at him in a mingle of sorrow, lust, and something else he couldn’t quiet put his hands on.

“I don’t want to be in that type of a relationship with you Ayame.” Haru said as he sat with his eyes now down cast. “But I do see the benefits of having each other around. I think that you are the only one who truly knows how I feel about Yuki. I know that I can never have him the way that I wish. The other night when we were together it was nice. To imagine if only for a while that you were him and I could have him. I would like to have that feeling again. And I know that you would like to be with Hatori-San once more. So I will be your replacement if you will be mine.”

Ayame smiled a genuine smile at the ushi and the thought that he would get to experience this beautiful creature again and again. The smile on his lips told Haru all the answer he needed as Ayame pulled him into a hug. Aya kissed his ear softly and had to repress the urge to whisper into his ear ‘You don’t have to replace anything, everything I want is in you my love.’