Come What May

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I make any money from using the characters. I am a part owner of Kyosuke, though.

NC-17

If you have time, please review. Thank you!!

Note: Don’t forget, the lovely Kri and Ashcat – it’s their story, too. But I touched this chapter last – so if there are typos – I am to blame. And, thank you JadeHeart for the ideas!

Come What May

Chapter 3
Call and Answer


You think it's only fair to do what's
Best for you and you alone
You think it's only fair to do the same to me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is
more than only fair

so if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
Those crazy, messed-up things that you do
If you ever do,
I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back
Here to rebuild
Rebuild...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Therapy Day 1

Shuichi and Eiri sat on the couch, as far from each other as possible. The air practically crackled with anger.

The therapist, the prominent and celebrated Umeoka Tadasu, a man of extraordinary patience and perseverance, a man familiar with helping the reconciliation of many famous couples, was nearly convinced the two were beyond his help.

The two had been in the room for a total of 20 minutes.

Shuichi was more than ready to leave. He had gotten up three times to leave, especially after the Doctor had essentially told him the therapy had to be what Shuichi wanted or it would never work. The first time he had stood he had met Eiri’s cold stare and involuntarily sat back down.

The second time, after the Doctor had discussed the ground rules for the therapy sessions, Shuichi had actually left the room. Then, as he waited for the elevator he had idly read the quote on his paper work:

“Relationships break down not because people are bad but because they are illiterate in love. To become literate in love, we must learn how to reduce our lifelong preoccupation with our own needs and feelings.” Eknath Easwaran

Shuichi was not illiterate in love, was he? Images of friends and lovers trickled through his memory. Hiro. Kyo. Ryuichi. Eiri. Turning back he re-entered the room and flopped at the end of the couch glaring at both the Doctor and Eiri.

The third time he stood up to leave was after the Doctor informed them the room they currently occupied would be considered ‘safe.’ Shuichi found he could no longer take this false illusion of help.

“Are you staying?” He said to Eiri as he started for the door a third time.

“Yes,” Eiri’s eyes met the dark violet stare.

Shuichi shook his head and said, “Why? I don’t understand, Eiri. Why would you do this?”

“Because,” Eiri shifted his eyes away from his boyfriend in embarrassment, “someone has to be willing to change.”

“Are you implying I’m not?” The singer snarled.

“Yes,” was the curt reply.

“Well, up until now you’ve barely given us a second thought!”

“I know,” was the once again succint response.

“Shindou-san, Uesugi-san,” The doctor said calmly, “if you intend to stay, both of you must respect the rules.”

Shuichi was confused, Eiri made it sound as if he was staying for them. He sat back down, as far from Eiri as he could, as he considered his boyfriend’s motivations.

“Shindou-san,” the doctor said calmly again, “what is it? What are your thoughts?”

Shaking his head, he said, “I don’t trust him.”

“You do not trust Uesugi-san?”

“Right. This is a trick.”

“A trick?” the therapist repeated.

Somehow, it sounded ridiculous when Shuichi said the words out loud to the therapist. “I… it’s just not…” Shuichi struggled with what he wanted to say.

“Shindou-san, this room is meant to be a safe haven. You can say what you will here and we can build additional rules for each of you that make you feel safe.”

Shuichi snorted dismissively, “And what happens when we walk out the door and I have to hear about what an idiot I am?”

“What we discuss here can remain here until we build up communication skills so that the two of you can discuss the issues at home without fear of verbal abuse.”

Eiri absently touched the scab on his temple.

The doctor nodded, “Anger seems to be an issue with both of you and we will need to address it. However, today is meant to be more of an overview so that as a team, we can determine what long-term expectations you both have for your relationship and the therapy necessary to help you get there.”

“Holy gods. What a pain in the ass,” Shuichi muttered with a sigh.

“Yes,” Eiri agreed.

The therapist smiled. “The two of you have some unique problems facing you with Shindou-san’s touring. The seperation and the break in therapy for the two of your will make your progress more of a challenge, but there are ways to deal with that difficulty. At this point, I believe the most pressing issues are Shindou-san’s agreement to attend therapy and saftey.”

“Perhaps today we can simply discuss what we hope to accomplish with therapy and Shindou-san can consider if he will continue or not. Would that be acceptable, Shindou-san? Perhaps we can obtain your commitment for today and leave the remainder of the visits open for your consideration. Would that be an agreeable option?”

Shuichi considered it. The therapist’s offer sounded reasonable, but still… “Okay. Today only.”

“All right. Now, the first thing I would like the two of you to do is write down your expectations of what therapy can help you with in regards to your relationship. On the second piece of paper, please write down what you expect of your partner and then we will discuss the results.”


Doctor Umeoka sat in front of his computer as he finished his notes. Although he had a secretary who would type up his hand-written notes, the therapist was particular about his files and felt more relaxed when he typed in the information himself. He had to admit the initial report was very sparse on details. The two men had not given him much information in order to build a treatment plan. But even so, he felt a sudden euphoria for his job he had not felt in years.

Leaning back, he began to reread the short report.

Umeoka Tadasu
Case Notes - Couples Therapy

Subjects: Uesugi Eiri – Novelist
Shindou Shuichi – Musician

Today was my first meeting with the famous same-sex couple Uesugi Eiri and Shindou Shuichi. Both are attractive, charismatic men with checkered pasts. In addition to their relationship challenges, the two have multiple individual issues that will make this treatment extremely difficult. At this early juncture I am not hopeful for reconciliation.

Uesugi Eiri is an intelligent and detached individual. Past medical records including his therapy records indicate Uesugi-san suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder due to sexual assault at a young age, resulting in an inability to express himself. Much of the incident seems to be suppressed from his memory.

The key individual difficulties identified for Uesugi Eiri during our first meeting are post-traumatic stress disorder and difficulty in communication with possible alcoholic tendencies.

The primary problems related to the relationship Uesugi-san is facing are communication and anger issues, manifesting in psychological abuse of his partner. The secondary issues for him are disillusionment with the relationship, Shindou-san’s (as yet undetermined) infidelity, jealousy, and to a lesser degree, job-stress.

Shindou Shuichi is an energetic and intensely emotional individual. Shindou-san’s medical records indicate severe depression with eating disorder and suicidal tendencies directly related to the past dependent relationship to Uesugi-san. Also of note, in the past he has suffered sexual assault but the details are unknown. He has acted out on a number of occasions resulting in injury to himself and those around him.

Our initial meeting revealed several concerns for Shindou-san’s emotional well-being. He has severe problems with anger, depression and to a lesser degree some manifestations of drug abuse.

The key individual difficulties identified for Shindou Shuichi are severe disillusionment, anger and communication. Secondary issues are jealousy, intolerance, blame, job-stress and possible continuance of dependency.

It is important to note at this time, Shindou-san does not wish to attend therapy and feels coerced into it. His continuation of the couples therapy is doubtful.


There was a knock on his office door, interrupting the therapist’s reading. His daughter, Umeoka Arisu stood at the opened door. “Father? It’s time to go home now.” She stepped into the office to find her father staring contemplatively at his computer. There were a curious number of books stacked around him on his desk.

“Did you have an interesting day, father?”

“Ah, Arisu-chan,” her father looked up, a gleam in his eye. A gleam his daughter had not seen in many years. “I’m glad you are here. How is your case load? Can you spare a few minutes to help out your father as a fellow therapist?”

“Of course, father. My case load is still light, you know that. I am still considered too young and too fresh out of residency to help many people. Even if I am the daughter of the famous Umeoka Tadasu. What help can I give you?”

“You listen to pop music, correct?” her father asked.

“Yes, father,” she laughed.

“What can you tell me of a pop singer by the name of Shindou Shuichi?” her father smiled.

“Father? Are you counseling Shindou? Of Bad Luck? Couples therapy… with Yuki Eiri?” Arisu was not prone to childishness, she never had been. Umeoka Tadasu’s daughter was the epitome of calm and did not allow emotions to rule her actions, but … even so, she felt the need to stifle a tiny squeal.

Her father raised his eyebrow at his daughter’s obvious enthusiasm, “You know of their relationship?”

“Father, how can you possibly work in the field of ‘therapist for the stars’ and not know anything about them?” Arisu asked with a tinge of exasperation in her voice.

“I find it easier that way, Arisu-chan. I have no preconceived notions. But these two…” he smiled brightly as he lit a cigarette. “They will truly be a challenge. Do you know they have almost every problem imaginable for couples? We haven’t as of yet discussed family, and I cannot imagine family dynamics would be problem free. My goodness, Arisu! They are an absolute mess!”

Arisu could not help but laugh at her father’s joy – he had finally found the challenge he had been pining for. “Well, the two of them are always in the tabloids. Of course, you can’t believe any of that, but I know they were apart for a while. It is only been recently they were sited as a couple again. Tabloids or not, the two sound as if they have a volatile relationship.”

“Volatile? Oh my dear, Arisu-chan, volatile is such a tame word when applied to these two,” he grinned at his daughter. “So far, in only two hours, Shindou-san had already kicked over a table, broken a vase and referred to Uesugi-san as,” the therapist looked down at his notes, “an ‘evil demon from hell’ who ‘runs away at the first sign of trouble’. Uesugi-san in turn has called Shindou-san an ‘idiot’ multiple times and belittled him about his writing ability, referring to him as a ‘zero talent hack.’ They are completely out of control.”

“Do you really think you can help them, father?” his daughter asked with skepticism.

“Yes, I think I can help them, Arisu. Because in spite of their harsh and cruel words to one another, there burns a passion below the surface. I truly believe they are fiercely devoted to one another.”

“Father, did you know you are a romantic at heart?” Arisu said as she smiled with fondness.

“Of course. How else would I be capable of accomplishing this job?”

How else, indeed. Arisu smiled again, “So, when will you see them again?”

“Two days. That is, if Shindou-san will agree to therapy. He will be leaving for an extended tour in three weeks. I want to see them three times a week.”

“Three times?” Arisu blinked at her father. “This is unprecedented.”

“Well, time is of the essence. There is much I need to know.”

Arisu thought of her room, filled with Yuki Eiri’s books and Bad Luck CDs and Videos. Biography books and magazine interviews all cataloged and filed carefully away. She would have been mortified to admit it, but she had a secret passion for the famous couple. However, in spite of her embarrassment, the knowledge she had might actually be of use to her father. Finally she said, “Well father, what do you want to know about the two of them?”

“Everything. It is time to put your… extra-curricular knowledge to work.”

Blinking her eyes, she stared at her father. Did he know of her ‘collection’?

She started with the tabloid-fest of their initial get together and the several break-ups. Hints of Yuki Eiri’s dark past, hints of a dark trauma Shindou Shuichi had endured – all sketchy and misty, as if there was someone keeping the truth about the two hidden. She told her father of Yuki Eiri’s departure to New York and Shindou Shuichi’s spiral into darkness.

She told him of Inoue Kyosuke.

“Wait,” her father had suddenly gone from quiet listener to active participant as he flipped the pages in his notebook, “Inoue… that name has come up a few times.”

“Shindou-san and Inoue-san were connected very closely in the tabloids for quite some time. There were various rumors about an affair between the two,” she looked shyly at her father. “Was there?”

“Hmm,” her father studied her suspiciously. “You remember that you and I have sworn an oath? And what we say in this room stays in this room.”

“Of course, father. We speak of many cases together, this is no different. I am simply curious about the affair and how you might treat them,” she said hopefully.

He leaned forward with a small smile. “Is that so, Arisu?”

She knew that look. “Are you teasing me father?”

“In some ways, you remain a little girl,” he answered her, his smile still in place.

Arisu face turned a deep crimson. He was teasing her and he did know of her secret collection. She was sure he would not tell her more details.

“To answer your question, I am still confused if there was an affair and about what the implications of it might be. It may simply be jealousy. Either way, Uesugi-san denies it, but he becomes enraged every time Inoue-san’s name is mentioned. This Inoue-san seems to be an acute point of anger for him.” Raising his eyebrow at his daughter’s continued embarrassment, he said softly, “Arisu-chan, I believe I you should help me with this case. I believe I will need all the help I can get.”

She fought down her excitement. Her father knew of her obsession and he was still allowing her to be involved. Schooling her emotions into place, she realized she would need to be extra diligent and prove herself worthy of her father’s faith. She was happy to be given this opportunity. Docilely she said, “As you wish father. I will do my very best.”

“Good, good. Now, first, I need to know if you would agree to be Shindou-san’s personal therapist.”

Raising an eyebrow she said, “Has he asked for therapy apart from the couples therapy? I thought you said he had not even agreed to the couples therapy.”

“That is true, he has not yet agreed to the couples therapy but I am hopeful,” her father replied. “I do feel he needs individual therapy as well and I will bring it up to him. Do you know what his answer to his relationship expectation was?” He shook his head before continuing, “Of course you don’t. It was ‘to not be afraid of being alone because Eiri will leave again.’ Is that not heartbreaking?”

“That is heartbreaking, to feel that your partner might leave at any moment. If he feels that way then why…” Arisu began but her father cut her off.

“Then why would he stay with Uesugi-san? Well, on the outside, he is a cynical, disillusioned man. On the inside, he remains a boy with a thread of hope he continues to cling to.” Her father chuckled before saying, “If you think I am a romantic, wait until you get a closer look at that young man.”

Arisu furrowed her brow as she thought of all the possibilities. “But if he hasn’t agreed to one therapy, how will you get him to agree to a second type of therapy?”

“I am not sure yet because he is very suspicious and paranoid, he feels I am trying to trick him at the moment. Tell me, do you know how long were the two of them apart? I think a significant incident or two occurred while they were apart.”

“Aside from Inoue Kyosuke?” Arisu asked.

“Maybe. Was he linked to any other potential lovers?”

“Many.”

Doctor Umeoka’s eyebrows shot up with surprise, “Many?”

Arisu nodded, “Yes, he was quite the media scoundrel for a while. In Uesugi-san’s and Inoue-san’s absence.”

“I see. Was that when all the injuries occurred as well?”

“Yes,” Arisu could see where her father was going. “You feel that he is frightened of Uesugi-san finding out all the details?”

“Yes. I suspect there are many issues Shindou-san is facing but fear of losing Uesugi-san is foremost. He may not know how deal with his two separate lives becoming one. He will need help with his own problems above and beyond those he is facing with Uesugi-san. Shindou-san has a difficult road ahead of him.”

“It is sad. Early on in his career, he appeared to be such a positive, happy man.”

“Life is like that, Arisu-chan. Especially when your life is put under a microscope. Now, tell me all you know.”


*************


As we stepped out of the shrink’s office I immediately lit a cigarette. The shrink had some stupid rule about not smoking in while we were in a session. How the hell was I supposed to maintain calm without nicotine, for fuck’s sake?

I was exhausted, all those questions, all that holding my temper in check, all of that touchy-feely crap about ‘expectations’ and ‘problem management’. I glanced over at Shuichi as we made our way to the car. He was oddly quiet - distant and guarded, even more so than usual. I wondered briefly if therapy had made things worse for us.

Once we were in the car, I found I couldn’t abide the silence so I turned on the CD player and listened to some soft jazz. Shuichi tipped his head at me when he heard Billie Holliday and shook his head.

“What?” I asked him as I guided the car into traffic.

“Just… Billie Holliday. Her songs bring back some memories for me.” He said wistfully as he looked out the window.

I was certain the ‘memories’ he referred to were not about me. Jealousy surged again in me and I gripped the wheel and chewed on the end of my cigarette. I turned off the music.

Between his anger and my jealousy, it seemed as if there was a deep gulf dividing us now, maybe worse than ever. The quiet was making me crazy.

“It’s only the first visit,” I said as I attempted to break the silence and bridge the gap.

He turned his head and looked at me, “So you actually think it will get better? Easier? Less painful?”

I shook my head in answer, “Not at first, anyway.”

“Then why?” he asked me again. “Why make us relive horrible events? Because that’s what it sounds like will happen.”

That was a good question. “It’s supposed to help us get through to each other. Attain better communication.” My answer was trite and superficial, much like an infomercial.

“You don’t sound as if you believe talking about it will help,” he snarled and looked back out the window. “If you don’t believe it will help, why should I?”

I rubbed my head, I could feel a headache coming and it would be a good one. Migraine, maybe.

“I don’t know if I can do it, Eiri,” he said quietly. “I’m not sure us knowing everything about each other will be good. I just think it might be better to let sleeping dogs lie.”

Hmm. Why the emphasis on everything? And what did he mean by sleeping dogs? “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Never mind. I guess I don’t see the point in rehashing our past mistakes.”

“Well, if you have a better idea, I loved to hear it,” I snapped at him.

“No. I don’t have a better idea,” he answered with a heavy sigh.

The pounding in my temples felt as if a vise was tightening. Yeah, this night wasn’t going to be any fun. Add to the pain in my head one pissed off lover and my evening was looking grim.

I pulled into the parking lot of our building and once the car stopped he jumped out and stormed off. Maybe this was better. If we stayed in the same proximity, we would only end up in a whopper of a fight. I was rapidly reaching a point in my pain where tempering my words would prove difficult, maybe a little space would be good.

It took me three tries to get the key in the lock and to open my door, my vision was already blurring and I made a beeline to the medicine cabinet to get my migraine pills. Moving to the kitchen, I poured a cup of this morning’s coffee into a cup and drank it cold. It tasted absolutely disgusting. Caffeine and pills on an empty, nauseated stomach sounded like a good idea to me. If I could have gathered the energy, I would have had another cigarette as well.

Instead, I went to bed. It seemed like the most logical course of action. A dark, quiet room was all I could think of. As I felt the pills begin to take effect and sleep come to me I wondered again if therapy was a mistake.


“Eiri?” I heard Shuichi call frantically. “Answer me, damn it! Where are you?”

“Here,” I answered feebly even though it hurt my head.

“Eiri?” he said with some relief in his voice as he slid to a stop in his socks at my bedroom door. “I was afra… I thought you might have left.”

I wondered how many times he had called. “No. I’m here.”

“Why are you in bed? Are you sick?” he asked me with concern.

“Headache,” I answered.

His voice dropped low and quiet, “Did you take your pills?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

Brushing gently at my hair he said, “I’ll get a cool cloth for you and some fresh coffee. Do you want some rice?”

“Maybe in a while,” the rice would give my stomach something to gnaw on other than my ulcers, but the thought of having to lift chopsticks sounded as if it would be too much work. The coffee would be good, it wouldn’t taste like socks worn for two days.

Moments later he was back with the cloth, placing it carefully on my head.

“Mmm,” I muttered.

“Better?”

“Mmm,” I said and I drifted off.

“Eiri?”

I was dreaming. Shuichi was nursing me, just as he used to when I was incapacitated by one of my blinding migraines. Keeping my head cool and bringing me food and medicine.

“Eiri,” his melodic voice was so real. I had missed him so much, New York was a smothering, lonely, endless nightmare for me. No happiness and no hope. I wanted Shuichi to help me through the hurt. I wanted to tell him I was wrong for leaving him, for giving up. I called to him but I knew I was only dreaming, because I had finally chased him away for good.

“Eiri, open your eyes. I’m right here,” he said quietly but insistently I felt his cool hand envelope mine. “I’m right here.”

My eyelids fluttered open, wet from the cloth or maybe from tears. Migraines could make me very emotional and sometimes the pain was overwhelming enough to bring tears.

“Shuichi?” I manage to force out of my constricted throat. “What are you doing in New York?”

“You’re in Tokyo, Eiri. Remember?” He said softly as he placed a new cloth on my forehead. “It’s a good one, isn’t it? Your migraine.”

Tokyo. Shuichi. Therapy. Migraine.

“Yeah,” I managed to answer. “I haven’t had one like this in a while.”

“I’m sure. Probably not since you left me,” even through my drug and pain induced confusion I could hear his self-blame.

“Not true,” I managed to answer. “I was plagued with them in New York. They’ve been fewer since I’ve been near… since I’ve been here.”

“Really?” He asked with – what - hope? Maybe I was imagining things.

“Really. I missed you… ”

“I haven’t been anywhere,” he replied.

“No. In New York. When I was there.”

Several moments of silence passed before I opened my eyes to look at him. He was staring at me, his expression completely unreadable. When my eyes locked with his, he nodded and said patiently, "Sit up and I’ll feed you some rice, Eiri.”

He had to help me to sit up. I was as weak as a kitten when a migraine hit me this hard.

“You are wobbly. I’m sitting down on the bed, I’ll try not to jar you.”

He remembered everything, how to modulate his voice to the most comfortable setting for me. How often to change the cool cloth, keeping the room dim, trying not to create any movement on the bed. It was amazing after two years he still remembered it all.

“Of course I remember it all,” he said quietly.

“Such a bad habit, speaking thoughts out loud,” I mumbled.

“Open,” Shuichi ordered as he placed some rice in my mouth. “Yeah, but it’s nice to know occasionally what you really think. Besides, I speak my thoughts out loud, too.”

“But you don’t remember to turn on your filter,” I answered. “You blurt out everything. And I mean everything.”

“As if you even have a filter, Yuki-san the surly, tragic romance novelist,” he said softly but his voice dripped with sarcasm. He chuckled softly, “You’re so tragic I have to hand feed you.”

“Huh,” I muttered around a mouthful of rice.

After a few quiet minutes of feeding me he finally said, “Eiri, about therapy – I’ve decided if you are going, I guess I should go, too. At least for a little while. It’s only fair. Right?”

“Mmm,” I agreed.

He gave me more rice, and shifted his eyes away from me nervously. “Two more. I’ll go two more times before I decide, okay?”

“Okay.” I was glad he was convincing himself, I wasn’t sure I was up for it.

He continued, “I’ll try, Eiri. I’m not sure I’ll be good at it, but I’ll try.”

“Mmm,” I answered. “It’s not a test you know. There is no ‘being good at it.’ You talk. I know you are capable of talking.”

There was that brilliant smile and my head felt a little lighter as he finished feeding me. “When did you get so easy to please?”

As I lay down again I said, “I have a migraine.”

“Of course,” he nodded at me. “Should I call Tohma and Mika and cancel dinner tomorrow? You might still be out of it.”

Fucking family. I had forgotten about Shuichi’s dinner plans to thank Mika for taking care of the cat. Tohma had recently returned, so Shuichi felt it necessary to invite both of them. We would probably have to have the dinner at my apartment since he had broken most of his dishes. “That’s tomorrow?”

“Yes, Eiri.”

“No, don’t cancel it. Let’s get it over with.”

“Well, if you are sure. I’m getting up now.”

“Aren’t you sleeping here?” I muttered.

“No. I figured I would only disturb you,” he answered.

“You won’t.”

“Are you…” he paused; he seemed to pick his words carefully. “Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Shuichi…” I said warningly.

“Okay. Sorry,” I could hear the laughter in his voice. “Let me go check on neko-Yuki and then I’ll come back.”

“Promise?”

“Geez, Eiri, you’re beginning to sound like me. You must be in more pain than I thought. I’ll be right back. I promise. Go to sleep.” He kissed me on the forehead.

Someone was massaging my foot, just as Shuichi used to when I felt bad. I don’t know why, but there was something about getting my feet rubbed that always relaxed me, it made my head hurt less. Maybe it was some deep-seated foot fetish, but it always helped, and there was only one person in the whole world who knew that.

“Mmm,” I murmured appreciatively.

“I see this still works,” Shuichi said quietly.

“Mmm.”

He switched feet. “I’m beginning to think you’ve lost your ability to speak coherently…” he trailed off. “Eiri? What’s this on the bottom of your foot?”

“Scar,” I mumbled.

“From what?”

“Long story.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he replied as he ran his thumbs along the scar on my foot.

“One night in New York – I drank too much. I pulled a Shuichi and smashed everything in my apartment. I stepped on a particular nasty piece of glass."

“Ouch. Did you go to the hospital?”

I shook my head and answered, “Not to begin with. I didn’t feel it.”

“How could you not feel it? Eiri, this scar is huge, it’s almost the whole length of your foot.” He said incredulously.

“I was so drunk I didn’t even notice it, and right after I did it I passed out,” I shrugged as I replied.

“Geez, you could have bled to death. What happened?”

“My neighbors had called the cops because of the noise. When I wouldn’t answer the door, the apartment manager let them in. They found me unconscious on the floor of the bathroom. Blood everywhere. The cops called an ambulance and dragged my sorry ass to the hospital.” Warning bells sounded in my head, I didn’t think I should be telling him this.

“And?” He asked very quietly.

“They had to reattach a tendon and repair some muscle tissue. For a while my ability to walk was limited. Gave me about a fifty stitches inside and out. Threw me in intensive care for alcohol poisoning. Something to be very proud of, don’t you think?”

“Why?” He stroked my foot and I could hear the pain in his voice. “Were you trying to kill yourself?”

“Not really,” I lied.

“Then why?”

“It was… New York. It gave me something to do.”

“Come on, Eiri. What was going on?”

“Nothing in particular,” I lied again. “I simply had a few moments where I didn’t care about anything.”

“Where you didn’t care about anything?” He chuckled with sarcasm before he said, “Yeah, I can understand not caring anymore. I’ve had a few moments like that myself.”

“I know,” I acknowledged.

“When did you do this? By any chance, you didn’t do this on the anniversary… after we had that fight on the phone did you?”

I didn’t answer him.

“The scar I have on my thigh was from that night.” His thumb ran the length of my foot, again, caressing the scar again. “The night I ran into the guardrail. Is it possible we have matching scars, Eiri?”

I closed my eyes. It hadn’t been the same night, but my drunken actions were the result of the same night.

Sakano had called me to tell me what a mess Shuichi was – how he was walking edge of destruction. He also told me he had given Shuichi my number out of pity, willing to face Tohma’s wrath over it because his favorite singer was coming apart at the seams. Sakano wouldn’t tell me what Shuichi had been doing, he would only say Shuichi had reached the very depths of despair. He pleaded with me to go easy when Shuichi called.

At some point in my life I should learn to trust Sakano. Each time he has sought me out regarding Shuichi, either to warn me or help me, I have dismissed his intentions as self-serving. But Seguchi Tohma’s lapdog had a protective streak about Shuichi, even daring to turn on his master when Bad Luck’s singer was involved. Sakano was far too noble for the music business.

Shuichi called to make sure I was okay, it was the anniversary of Kitizawa’s death and that particular date is a touchy time for me. Our conversation quickly snowballed into a horrendous, finger-pointing, name-calling bitch-fest. And because I ignored Sakano’s warning, I told Shuichi on the phone I didn’t love him.

Maybe because he had called simply to check on me and not to beg me to come back to him. Or maybe because it was the anniversary of Kitazawa’s death. Or maybe it was because of the total agony I could hear in his voice. It wasn’t the first time I told him I didn’t love him, and although it was close, it was also not the last time either. But for some reason, that night it hurt me more.

Sakano called me the next day. Not to beg me this time, but to crucify me for my selfishness. He didn’t give me details, but he told me that Shuichi was involved in an accident after our phone call and had suffered a serious injury. Clearly, he laid the blame for the injury at my feet.

I started drinking the minute I hung up the phone.

When I woke up in the hospital, Tohma and Mika were there. I asked them both not to tell Shuichi that I had nearly died that night.

After that, I heard from Shuichi only once more.

Opening my eyes, I saw him watching me expectantly. He was still holding my scarred foot as he waited for me to answer his question about matching scars.

“The moral of the story is I was forced into therapy and I took up Tai Chi not long after my hospital release and my foot was well enough for movement,” I answered.

“Eiri, why are we like this?” he said flatly as he slid gently up the bed and lay on his side next to me. “If I had been with you this would have never happened. If you had been with me… so many things would have never happened. Why are we so broken?”

“Because you don’t have enough sense to stay away from me. And I’m not strong enough to stay away from you,” I answered as I rolled to my side and pulled him close, in spite of the pain in my head and in my heart.

“So I’m stupid and you’re weak?” he asked as pressed his forehead against mine and rubbed my head gently. “In spite of the fact that we save each other all the time.”

“Something like that,” I answered.

“Well, I’d rather be called stupid if it means I get to be with you,” he said with a sigh.

“And I’d rather be called weak.”

“Why Eiri, that’s an uncommonly sweet thing for you to say.”

“Cut me some slack, I’m sick,” I grumbled at him.

“Whatever you say,” he said with a smile.

“I need to start Tai Chi again,” I said sleepily. “I’ve been lazy and it will help to me keep sane if we are going to continue therapy.”

“Can I do it with you?” He asked quietly. “We don’t do very much together.”

He was right. We didn’t do too much together, not as a couple, anyway. “Yeah. That works. Maybe we should take up Tantric Yoga together.”

Snuggling closer he said, “Really? What’s that?”

“I thought you were a pop star,” I answered dismissively. “How can you not know about that?”

“Is that the yoga thing that Sting is supposed to be into?” Shuichi asked.

“Yes.”

“Hmm. There are lots of rumors about him being able to have sex for like six hours straight,” I could hear the wheels engage in my lover’s tiny brain.

“That’s a common story about Tantric Yoga,” I answered. “But I couldn’t tell you if it’s true or not.”

“Are you serious, Eiri? That could be fun. Meditation which we could both use with really cool benefits.” The excitement in his voice was evident.

“If you are not going to rub my feet, go to sleep, dumbass,” my surliness returned. “My head hurts.”

“I love you, too, Eiri,” he answered as he kissed me gently, and settled in. “I’ll check on that yoga thing tomorrow.”

I had the oddest feeling as I drifted into my drug-induced sleep that we had just cleared a hurdle. Hmm. Maybe therapy wasn’t such a bad idea after all.


TBC


Lyrics for Call and Answer by Bare Naked Ladies (Again. I blame AshCat.)