The Whisper at My Side

Author: JadeHeart
Fandom: Gravitation
Warnings: bad language
Author's Notes: I was quite surprised that people seemed to be enjoying this little story. I didn’t think it would hold much interest for many readers so thank you for the reviews and kind words and I hope you continue to enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this, they belong to the creators of ‘Gravitation’.


The Whisper at My Side: Chapter 3


It was a bad day – anyone would have said so. It was dark, overcast, gloomy, not a ray of light able to penetrate the murkiness and break the mat of greyness that cloaked the world. Looking out the window it was almost like a ghost town outside. Few people were braving the elements, preferring to remain indoors and out of sight, hiding from the bleak world.

It wasn’t just the weather outside that made this a bad day for Yuki. From the moment he had opened his eyes nothing had gone right, as though he was cursed to be plagued with misfortune for the rest of his existence. When he had first awoken it was with a blinding headache, he had then broken his favourite cup, a present from Shuichi and seeing its shattered shards spread across the floor at his feet had made his heart break and his breath catch in his throat in a gulping sob that he had had to fight to hold back. He had tried to gathered his emotions back under his tight control, sealing them off, trying to act rationally and just get on with it, but in picking up the pieces he had cut his hand on one sharp edge that had been deep enough to need stitches. He had watched the blood well from the wounds, running in riverlets down his skin to pool in the palm of his hand, slowly filling that concave place. He had watched it will a chilling stillness of mind, as though he had been complete disconnected from this being his hand, his blood. He had simply found the deep red colouring fascinating for some reason, in a remote and analytical way. He had managed to shake his stupour off and take himself to the doctor’s to be attended to, gaining a tetanus jab into the bargain as he had been long over due.

His day had got no better although he had hoped that that would have been the last of it. He was used to having some bad moments. That had simply become a part of his life, but days like this, he hadn’t had one like this since….

He had tried to keep going with his day as he had planned, tried to stay with the ordinary and normal routine that everyone in the world followed at some point, hoping the familiar pattern would get him through the next 24 hours. He had learnt that was the key. He just had to make it through each 24 hours. If he could do that he had won and he could find the strength to face the next 24 hours. So that is what he focused on – just getting through these 24 hours before him.

But his run of bad luck merely continued, dogging his every motion as though a devilish spirit hovered at his shoulder, shadowing his every step. He had torn a button off his most liked shirt, spilt coffee on his trousers, and his attempt to get his haircut, because it had badly needed it and he was tired of Mika nagging him and Tatsuha threatening to do it whilst he was asleep, had ended up with him looking like he had been attacked by an overzealous lawnmower. He had simply sat in the chair and stared at the stranger’s face in the mirror before him, spiky hair sticking up in all directions, whilst the young female hairstylist gushed enthusiastically over his new look. He had been unable to say anything, not a word, he could just look. He had eventually stood, paid and left the shop still without saying a single thing because he knew that if he opened his mouth the only thing that would spew forth would be invectives that had no business being voiced in public.

Yes, it was a bad day. Anyone would have said so. Yuki definitely agreed with that assessment – and it was only lunchtime.

However the worst of it wasn’t the physical problems. Those he could handle. They might throw him off his stride a little, cause him some momentary problem or grief, but he could handle that. No, what was the worst thing about a day like today was not the physical – it was the emotional. That was how he categorized a bad day. And today was definitely a bad day.

Bad days like this were hard on him. Days where it seemed that everything, and he meant everything, went wrong, one after the other with no respite. He hated these days with a passion, if he could actually feel any passion when these days arrived. That was why this was the really bad thing about these days - his own emotional state.

He supposed it had to happen eventually. He had had other bad days. It had been nearly a year, nearly a year since he had last heard that beloved voice, last felt that familiar presence by his side. It had been nearly a year since he had been left alone. Again. So he should have expected to have bad days at some point, and he hadn’t been mistaken in thinking that. It was just that today…today had to be the very worst.

It was hard to believe that it had been almost another year. The world had continued to turn, life had gone on for everyone. Soon the world seemed to forget the presence of one Shuichi Shindou. Yuki couldn’t understand that. He had had such difficulty accepting that the world had moved on and Shuichi no longer had a place in it, that had just seemed so…..wrong. He had been so angry about it, so furious with a deep, dark burning rage that felt as though it would consume him from the inside. Then had followed the crushing despair that had driven him figuratively to his knees and into a fetal position, and leaving him wanting to do nothing more than to hide.

When Shuichi had left him again, at first he had really thought there was no way he would get through it, that there was no way that he could survive that abandonment a second time. The only thing that had kept him going before had been Shuichi’s presence, that comforting knowledge that his partner was still there with him and he was not alone.

So he had been sure that he wouldn’t be able to get by this time - but surprisingly he had. It seemed that his own desire to keep the promise he had made to Shuichi, the last promise he had made to him, spurred him on with his life. He wasn’t going to let Shuichi down – not this time. He may have failed Shuichi so many times in the past, not been everything that he should have been, not provided everything to Shuichi that he had wanted to, but this time he was determined to not do it again. So he had gone on, one day at a time, and he had managed, probably better than most people thought he would have. He had not only surprised others, he had surprised himself even. He had been surprised to find this deep well of strength that he now drew upon, a strength that he firmly believed came from Shuichi’s presence in his life over these years, that indomitable spirit the youth had always had that he had somehow seemed to have been able to pass to Yuki also. It was what sustained him, fuelled him, got him through each day. That didn’t mean it was easy, there was still bad days. Today was one of them.

He sat on the couch smoking, the overflowing ashtray before him showing the extent of his chain smoking, something he knew Shuichi would have scolded him for soundly. Although he had never given up smoking completely whilst he had been with Shuichi he had cut down considerably. He hadn’t seemed to have needed the constant nicotine buzz as he once had, as though he could get that same ‘high’ from his young partner’s mere presence. He had also not wanted to endanger Shuichi’s singing career unnecessarily by smoking too heavily around him. Shuichi had never been inspired to take up the habit, despite living with such a heavy smoker as Yuki, as well as his best friend, Hiro, being a smoker. Yuki had considered giving up his bad habit completely but a shred of stubborn pride had prevented him from doing so and people thinking he was changing because of Shuichi. Despite what he tried to say or pretend he did actually get concerned about what people might say or think. That was one thing that Shuichi never had any trouble with – feelings of peer pressure, to do what everyone else did, never seemed to affect him. Shuichi had always followed his own path, in his own time, and in his own way – and somehow managed to drag everyone else within his vicinity along in his wake! Shuichi had always been…unique.

Now, Yuki sat on the couch surrounded in a smoky haze, staring into space, not looking at anything in particular, not paying attention to anything, not wanting to even see the world that he was currently forced to inhabit.

He exhaled slowly, the smoke drifting way on the air currents within the room as the wind whistled through the tiny cracks around the windows to penetrate into the warmth indoors. He shivered in automatic response to those cold tendrils winding around his body, but apart from that single motion he betrayed no apparent awareness of his surroundings. Although his physical body was chilled, it was nothing compared to the iciness encompassing his inner soul. It was days like this that made him feel that he was no longer living because it was on days like this that he no longer wanted to be living. On these days he was lost, alone, cast adrift, left behind. On these days he wanted to cease to exist.

He raised the cigarette to his lips, the motion as automatic as breathing, which he still did. Why did he still breathe, a half formed thought came to him. Why didn’t he just stop, now, cease that bodily function? What made him continue? There was nothing for him - nothing at all.

There was a sound then, a strange sound, faint and seeming far in the distance. He ignored it like he would the irritating buzz of a fly. It didn’t go away though, continuing to annoy him until finally his consciousness surfaced more fully, dragging him out of the dark depths it had been skulking in, and he recognized the sound as that of the doorbell. He turned his head slightly to half look over his shoulder towards the front door, cigarette dangling almost forgotten from his mouth.

The noise continued, yet still he sat motionless. Should he bother getting up, he half thought. He didn’t know who it was. Mika? Tohma? Tasuha? It could be anyone of those three; all of them had become his self-appointed guardians, shielding him even from himself.

They are like that fairy tale, he suddenly thought, the one about the three bears. Tohma was the papa bear, Mika was the mama bear and Tatsuah was the baby bear. So that must make him Goldilocks. The mental image turned disturbing with the three bears wearing the familiar faces of his family and him sitting cross-legged in the middle in a dress, long blond braids and a cigarette in mouth. Okay, probably not what that fairy tale was really trying to portray. But wasn’t he like that bratty Goldilocks? Sneaking into someone’s house and stealing things, not paying or returning anything, just taking what he wanted, when he wanted it? He had been as much of a thief in that he always took all the love and affection and caring that these three gave him. He took and he took, and they never chastised him for not giving anything in return. Yes, he was a thief, taking their food of love, sitting in their chairs of life, sleeping on the soft bed of their protection. He always allowed them to take on the responsibility of looking after him, always believed in the knowledge that they would pick up the broken pieces. And just like Goldilocks, once he had finished, once he had taken and done what he had wanted, as soon as they drew close, as soon as they came ‘home’, he would flee them, leaving them with the mess his presence had made to clean up after him. He was so selfish, so ignorant, and so self-centred. Why would Shuichi want to return to him when he was like that? What could he ever offer him?

The noise at the door continued, never abating. It pounded through his skull, vibrating up his raw nerves, setting his teeth on edge. His brows began to draw down in a frown of irritation, one of the first emotions he had felt all day apart from the numbing, aching sense of loss. Finally he had to move, standing and dropping the still smoldering butt on top of the others and walking to the door. He opened it expecting it to be any of the three people he had previously considered it could be, or a combination of them, so it was a great surprise to see the face that did confront him now.

“Hey,”

Yuki continued to stare, sure he was hallucinating. Had he taken the wrong medication today? Now he couldn’t have. He hadn’t bothered taking ANY medication today so that couldn’t be it. Maybe that was the problem. Perhaps it was that lack that was causing him to be seeing crazy things now.

“I said ‘Hey’,” Hiro repeated.

“Hey,” Yuki responded dumbly, still trying to assimilate just who was standing on his doorstep.

“Look, if you don’t want me here…” Hiro’s voice trailed off and he looked uncomfortable.

What the hell could have brought Hiroshi Nakano to his door, Yuki wondered, and because he didn’t have an answer to that question this made him step to one side leaving the passage clear for Hiro to enter.

He hesitated for a moment then stopped over the threshold, as Yuki closed the door behind him and watched as he looked around the apartment.

“It…hasn’t changed much,” Hiro said quietly. He walked over and ran one long finger over the spines of the CD’s stacked on a shelf, pausing for the briefest of instances at those labeled Nittle Grasper. “Do you actually listen to these?” he questioned, looking over his shoulder at Yuki.

Yuki shrugged, “Sometimes,” he admitted, his voice hoarse. It seemed like he hadn’t spoken for years and the constant smoking had dried his throat out badly. Hiro raised an eyebrow in surprise at his answer but didn’t comment any further. “Want a coffee?” Yuki finally said into the awkward silence.

“Uhm, yeah,”

As Yuki made his way into the kitchen, Hiro seated himself on the lounge. He immediately spotted the overfilled ashtray and his lips twitched. “I guess I don’t need to ask if you mind if I smoke?” he said.

“Please yourself.”

“Thanks,” Hiro lit up and Yuki soon joined him in the lounge, placing a steaming mug before him. He remained standing, not sitting next to Hiro and watched him take a cautious sip.

“So what brings you here?” Yuki asked, curiousity getting the better of him. The only times that Nankano had generally turned up unexpectedly at his place was to find out why Shuichi was upset yet once again by something Yuki had done. And threaten to beat him senseless if it ever happened again.

Hiro played with his packet of cigarettes, an obviously nervous gesture. I wonder what’s going on, Yuki mused. Had Tohma or someone else sent him here? Why would they? Had Ayaka? He didn’t see why she would. He hadn’t seen Hiro really for nearly 3 years. Not since…the accident.

“Look,” Hiro suddenly spoke up, breaking into Yuki’s musings. “I know this is going to seem really lame, especially when it’s been so long since I’ve been here.”

“It’s been a while,” Yuki acknowledged.

Hiro seemed to wince as though Yuki’s words were a lot harsher than what he had said. “Yeah, I know,” Hiro kept his eyes downcast. “I knew it was really selfish of me but I couldn’t bear being here after….” He cleared his throat. “And,” Now he did look up, meeting Yuki’s eyes frankly. “I blamed you for his death.”

That’s didn’t surprise Yuki in the least. Hell, he blamed himself so why shouldn’t everyone else?

“I know it wasn’t your fault. I know you had nothing to do with it, and I know it was completely irrational, but I couldn’t stop myself thinking it,” Hiro took a long drag on his cigarette. “It just hurt too much to come here. Besides,” and his lips twitched a little in sardonic humour. “It’s not like we were ever really friends.”

“You got that right.” Yuki said matter-of-factly. He and Nankano never had become ‘friends’. They weren’t enemies, but the only thing they had had in common had been Shuichi. That was the only bond between the two of them, and once that was gone it was no surprise that Nankano had vanished from his sphere of associates.

“Yeah, but,” This is it, Yuki thought, now we’re getting to the reason why he’s here. I wonder who set this up.

Hiro raked a hand through his long mane of hair. It was shorter than Yuki remembered, just brushing his shoulders now. Ayaka’s touch must be taming her wild rock husband. “This is going to sound really crazy and I won’t be offended if you don’t believe me, but,” Suddenly he dropped to his knees and bowed his forehead to the floor, startling Yuki at his sudden subversive pose. “I beg your forgiveness for not being there in your time of need! I beg your forgiveness for abandoning you!”

Yuki just stared, completely shocked, struck dumb. The cigarette fell from his mouth to the floor unheeded as he struggled to find his voice, to say something to the man prostrating himself at his feet. If he had been having a bad day before it must be that the end of the world is truly upon them for this to be happening. Or else he had overdosed on his medication and was spiralling down into insanity and death.

Finally he did find his voice and said, “What the fuck are you doing?!”

Hiro raised his head but remained in his prone position. “I’m asking you to forgive me for only thinking of myself at that time.”

“What the hell has that got to do with anything? Oh, for fucks sake, will you get up?!”

Hiro’s lips thinned and he pushed his chin out stubbornly. “Not until you say you forgive me.”

“Forgive you for what? For being normal?” Yuki said with some exasperation. Hiro didn’t move. “All right, all right, you’re forgiven! Now get your sweaty palms off my floor!” Hiro rose gracefully to his feet. “Now just what the hell was that melodramatic piece of crap about?!” Yuki snarled.

Hiro reached up and pull on his ear lobe, looking more and more self conscious. “I told you you’ll think I’m crazy,” he muttered.

“After that display what do you expect? I’m beginning to think you’d look good in a padded cell!”

Hiro glared at him but held his tongue as Yuki finally stalked over to the other end of the couch and sat. He really felt he needed to sit down after that shocking performance.

Hiro seated himself on the other end, elbows casually leaning on his knees, “Okay, this is what happened. Guess I’ll start from the beginning.” He lit another cigarette, the first having almost completely burnt down though his apology. “After the accident, well, I couldn’t face you for a number of reasons. Firstly was that I did blame you.” He cast a quick glance at Yuki and then continued, “I know how crazy that is but it’s what I felt. It just seemed to me that it wasn’t fair that Shu was dead, and you were alive. You should have been the one looking after him.”

Yuki’s heart clenched as Hiro echoed his own thoughts only too clearly. It was exactly as he had felt. That he had failed Shuichi by not being there to prevent it. Though what he could have done, he didn’t know.

“Anyway,” Hiro went on, “It just hurt too much to be around you or back here.” He looked around the apartment once more. “I never thought I would ever be able to set foot in this place again. It hurts, even now, but it’s not like I thought it would have be.”

“So you hated my guts. What else is new?” Yuki said sarcastically, which earnt him a wry grin from Hiro.

“Yeah, well, some things never change!” Yuki just snorted a little as Hiro continued. “Look, it started about six months after.” Hiro leant back and continued to smoke, his eyes taking on a slight glassy look as though he was looking inwards. “I though it was just because I didn’t want to let go, that it was because I was still in denial and refusing to admit the truth and that was that Shuichi was dead. I really thought that was it but I still felt it.”

“What?” Yuki wasn’t certain he really wanted to know.

“I kept thinking - no,” he shook his head, “Believing, that Shu was back. That he wasn’t really gone at all.”

“You mean like he was back or something?” Had Shuichi been communicating with Hiro whilst he had been back before? Yuki felt an irrational surge of jealousy.

Hiro shook his head. “No, not really. Well, sort of,” He scratched his chin and now Yuki could see the slight stubble and he noticed the shadows under the other man’s eyes. Hmm, the man hadn’t been sleeping well by the looks of things. “Yes it seemed like Shu was still here, but I don’t mean that he was there as a ghost or talking to me or anything weird like that.” Yuki felt his face flush a little with what felt like embarrassment. That was after all exactly what Shuichi had done – with him!

“No, it was just a feeling I kept getting as though Shu was trying to shout at me from a very long way away. As though he was still around, somewhere, just not where I was.” Hiro let out a snort of exasperation. “I don’t know how to explain it clearly,” he growled out in frustration. “The only way I can think of doing so is like you know your friend lives in the same street as you but you don’t see them all the time but you are just know they are there. Does that make any kind of sense at all?”

“Not one bit,” Yuki replied calmly, exhaling smoke and watching it drift away.

“Jerk,” Hiro responded amicably.

“So how did any of that lead to you have an aberration of sanity and put on that pathetic display earlier?”

Hiro glared at him, opening his mouth to retort no doubt but then closed it with a snap, taking a deep breath to carry on. “Well, that feeling disappeared about a year ago,” he said, making Yuki start in surprise. Could Hiro have truly been tuned into Shuichi whilst he had been here? It was beginning to sound like it, which did make some sense. As much as Yuki hated to admit it and disliked thinking he had to share Shuichi with anyone, Hiro was his best friend and they had been very close. Something that Yuki had often envied.

“And?” Yuki prompted into the silence now wanting to know more.

“I’ve begun having dreams.”

“Dreams?”

“Yeah. Dreams about Shuichi.”

“I don’t need to know about your perverted wet dreams.” Yuki snarled, fists clenching.

Hiro threw him a disgusted look and just rolled his eyes at Yuki’s stupidity. “Don’t be an idiot!” he said sharply, “They weren’t anything of the sort!” He gave a sniff as though offended that Yuki could have thought anything different. “No, it wasn’t that in the dreams he was actually ‘there’ if you know what I mean. I don’t actually seem him but I just know that it is him. He’s not talking to me with words but he’s been trying to tell me something, something important. It’s more like the way he could look at me without saying anything, especially when he wanted something, and that look would tell me he was really disappointed in me.” He glanced at Yuki sheepishly. “You know how he could be sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Yuki grudgingly agreed. That was exactly the way Shuichi could be sometimes. It was just that look he could give you as though he knew you could do so much better and he was disappointed that you weren’t trying hard enough. Yuki had never been able to fully ignore that look. It was that look and belief that had brought the two of them together in the first place.

“I know this probably doesn’t make a lot of sense.” Hiro said, swallowing the last of his coffee. “Sometimes I think I must be crazy for sure but it still seemed real enough at the time.”

“So how did you having nutty dreams lead to you throwing yourself all over my floor?” Yuki wanted to know.

“Well, ever since these dreams started, ever since it felt like Shuichi was really disappointed with me about something that feeling’s just kept getting stronger. It really felt that I wasn’t doing what he would have expected from me and I kept getting the feeling it had something to do with you.” Hiro then threw him a nasty smile. “I tried to ignore it, of course. It’s not like I particularly wanted to see you again!”

Yuki just snorted, lighting another cigarette and offering one to Hiro, who took it. “Anyway, the crux came when Ayaka said that I was talking in my sleep and your name kept coming up. She wanted to know why I was dreaming of you.” Hiro smiled with humour then. “She pointed out that if either one of us was dreaming about you she had more right to do so than me and didn’t I realize just how jealous she was that I was thinking about another man. And her ex, no less!”

Yuki was a little surprised. Ayaka had obviously loosened up considerably since hooking up with Nakano. It sounded like she might almost be fun to get to know.

“I explained to her what I was feeling, she already knew about the times before so she didn’t think it was weird. Well, at least not too much,” Hiro said with a grin. “The thing is that she was the one who said that it could only be a sign that I had to speak to you. Don’t think I just agreed to it straight away. I didn’t want to do it at all, but the dreams didn’t stop and finally Ayaka took me off to see a priest and he agreed with her. Ayaka just looked me straight in the eye and said what would I think Shuichi would have wanted me to do?”

“And you think he would have wanted that sideshow?” Yuki said with disbelief.

Hiro grinned widely, “You’ve got to admit that he would have found it hilarious.”

That’s true, Yuki thought, picturing his young lover rolling around on the floor in gales of laughter.

“Seriously though,” And the smile disappeared from Hiro’s face. “I am sorry. Shuichi would have expected me to help you. He knew I knew how important you were to him and he would have expected me to make certain you were okay. I’ve let him down because of my own selfishness, wallowing in my own sorrow. You suffered more than any of the rest of us.”

“You lost your best friend.” Yuki said gruffly, acknowledging Hiro’s own pain.

“Yeah, and I miss him like hell. But you lost much more. You lost part of your soul.”

Yuki froze. How…how could Hiro understand so well? That was exactly how it felt. Like an important part of him was permanently missing.

And it hurt.

“I know I don’t want to believe that he is gone, and I know I’m mad to think that he’s still around but,” Now Hiro’s voice broke. “I don’t want to believe that he’s gone for good either! It doesn’t seem right that he’s gone. He’s too damn stubborn to just leave us. To leave you!” Hiro looked steadily at Yuki. “He loved you more than anything in this world - more than his own life. He just wouldn’t leave you if there was any way he could avoid it. I know that.”

Yuki made up his mind then. “You said that I would think you’re crazy. Well, I can top that easily, and before you decide I am stark raving bonkers, I’ll just tell you that Tohma, Mika and Tatsuha all know about this and believe it as well.”

“What?” Hiro looked at him quizzically, his interest piqued.

Yuki lit another cigarette and stood, before walking back into the kitchen. “For this we’re going to need something stronger,” he said pulling out a full bottle of scotch and bringing two glasses back into the room with him, setting one before Hiro.

Hiro raised an eyebrow but said nothing, only reaching out to steady his glass as Yuki filled it generously. “Drink up,” Yuki said to him, raising his own glass. “This is going to make your hair stand on end.”

Perhaps today wasn’t so bad after all.