Golden Silence

Golden Silence

Man what a week. I had wanted to work on this sooner, but you know how it goes. The time line for Beck might not match up just right here. It has been awhile since I read this part and I don’t have it on hand at the moment. Also this is obviously not quite how the incident happened in the Beck manga or the anime.

Chapter Three

His fingers danced across the ivory keys and a sweet melody surrounded him. Since the loss of his speech he had become more adept when using his hands. They were his voice and the music his words, even if he could only hear them in his head.

‘Come dance with me again
The way we did back then
Hold me close and keep me warm
I’m a child when I’m with you
So small in your arms
Please come back to me
And don’t ever let me go’

He stopped to make a few corrections on his sheet music and to play with the tune and tempo. The pain in his heart was harshly reflected in the somberness of the music. He was doing his best to key it high enough for a female voice, but his own tenor was what he kept hearing.

‘‘Cause the snow falls in June
The sun eclipses the moon
The rhyme is gone from my reason
I don’t know up from down
Without you here to guide me
My map’s without a key
Can’t you understand?
I’m nothing, without you’

He stopped and pushed away from the keyboard in frustration. This had been a bad idea. He had thought that maybe he could keep writing his music and let others sing it. At least that way he might feel a little more fulfilled. Now hearing it meant for someone else’s voice made it feel cheep.

‘No one will know what I feel if I’m not the one to sing it,’ the thought was a painful truth, but he couldn’t sing. His voice was somewhere in America.

He punched the wall repeatedly until his knuckles started to crack and bleed. He felt his knees go weak under him and he slid down the wall leaving red streaks behind. He let his head rest against the cool plaster as silent sobs wracked his body and he cradled his now tender hands in his lap.

Time had passed and he had managed to make a new life from the shattered pieces of his old one. Still he mourned all that he had lost in so short a period of time. He missed his friends, he missed his lover, but mostly he missed his voice.

His singing had always been what defined him as a person. No matter how hard he tried, how much he wished, he never felt whole. So much was missing from him. He felt as though his very soul had been torn apart and poorly taped back together. There were still pieces missing. They were pieces that would only fit into place if that one essential piece were returned. That one piece, how he hated it… and loved it: Yuki Eiri.

Yuki was the key. Shuichi hated the man for steeling away his song, his career, and his very life. Yet, he couldn’t help but love the man. Yuki was the reason he had found his inspiration to begin with. Yuki was the lyric to Shuichi's melody.

Shuichi took several deep breaths and stood up again flexing his fingers. They would be sore for a day or two, but looking at them there was no real damage just split skin. He had to shake his head at his own weakness. It did him no good to cry about the past. Eiri was gone. Shuichi's voice was gone. Bad Luck was gone. He would have to keep moving on without them and he would. Shuichi was a survivor.

Shuichi picked up his journal and wrote for a solid hour before so much as looking up. He felt lighter for the crying and the outpouring of emotions onto the page, if not so much for the now crustily scabbed and tender knuckles. ‘I have to remember to clean the blood off the wall later.’

He looked at the clock and realized the time. It was late or maybe early depending on your perspective. He tucked his journal into his bag before walking back to the keyboard and computer long enough to save his work and shut everything down.

He grabbed up his bag and flicked off the light as he left the room. His thoughts were too much consumed by the past to do anything else productive so he headed out to the park. He would regret another sleepless night later, but for now he wanted some peace.

XXX

A few weeks later Shuichi found himself downtown, walking towards a rail station. It was getting to be dinnertime and he felt his stomach rumble in agreement at the thought. He almost walked right by the little ramen shop, but the pungent scent of hot soup caught his nose.

When he walked in the humid heat of the shop was in direct contrast to the chill of mid-autumn outside. There were two kids at the counter and the rest of the shop was empty. The kids were complaining about the quality of the soup so emphatically that Shuichi almost walked back out to find somewhere else to eat. Then he noticed who the young man in the pair was. It was the young singer from the band Beck.

He could never forget that face… or that voice. That voice brought him so much pain and longing, yet it was too beautiful to pass over. He blinked once when the server that came out of the kitchen was the older singer from that same band.

Deciding to stay he walked by them to the far end of the counter and sat down. The elder band member acknowledged him, but continued to talk to the young couple for a few moments.

Shuichi took this time to pull out his writing tablet and pen (both must haves for a mute in the real world) while he listened to the group’s conversation. He was saddened to hear that he had been right. He could easily surmise from the discussion they were having that the band had broken up, most likely just after Grateful Sound. However it also sounded like the younger singer was trying to get them back together.

He jotted down his order when the pair got up and walked out, leaving a rather upset looking man behind the counter. After a moment the man seemed to remember he was there and came to take his order. “What can I get you?”

He slid the tablet across the table to the man who just looked at him for a moment before picking it up. “A large miso, yeah?”

Shuichi nodded and held out his hand for the pad. The younger singer waited until he was looking up again to speak.

“You deaf?”

Shuichi smiled and shook his head no. He quickly scribbled on his pad, ‘Mute.’

“Oh, that must suck.”

Again Shuichi just nodded. The server looked at him sympathetically before turning toward the kitchen to get Shuichi's order. By the time he made it back Shuichi had written quite a bit for the man to read. He handed the pad over after accepting the soup.

‘I didn’t mean to be nosy, but I heard the conversation with your friend. I think I know your band. You’re from Beck right? I really liked your sound. It is a shame if you have broken up. I was in a band once and I miss it like hell. I would give a lot if I could have it back. You shouldn’t give up something that you truly love, no matter what the reason.’

Shuichi watched the man read while he started eating his soup. “You were in a band?”

Shuichi nodded and reached for the tablet. ‘I was a singer before I lost my voice. I was with a band called Bad Luck.’ He handed the tablet back and continued to eat his soup.

“You were a member of the Bad Luck? You’ve got to be kidding me. They are huge.”

Shuichi wished that the kid knew how to sign. It would be much easier to tell him all this that way rather than trying to write it all down. He mentally shrugged and started to write again. ‘I was only the singer on the first album. Sora-kun came along after I lost my voice.’

Shuichi pushed the tablet back and finished his soup. The man was just staring at him so Shuichi shook his head in a way that he hoped conveyed a ‘what’s wrong’ sentiment, because the other still had the tablet.

It seemed to work though because the other singer shook himself out of it. “You are telling me that you are Shindou Shuichi, the original singer from Bad Luck?”

Nod.

“You are the man who disappeared from the public eye, much to the disappointment of his fans, with a single press statement that you were leaving for ‘medical reasons’?”

Nod.

“You are the golden voice that was replaced by a half-wit, no-talent, money-mongering playboy who turned a perfectly respectable band into… into… bubblegum pop music?” (1)

The young man managed to ask the last question almost too quickly for Shuichi to understand, however understand it he did. He was a little taken aback at the venom in the man’s voice. He sounded like he was truly upset by the whole situation. He didn’t think that any of the fans cared that he was gone. However slowly, Shuichi managed to nod his head yes. In the end he supposed that was the person that he was, even if that is not what he himself thought.

“Wow.” He had a looked of deep respect in his eyes that bordered on idol worship. “I loved your music man. I wish you were still singing.”

That comment eased the clenching feeling in Shuichi's chest. He nodded his thanks as best he could.

“So the thing with your voice is why you left?”

Shuichi's smile turned painful, but again he nodded.

“Wow. I know I said it before, but that has to suck.”

Shuichi smile faded completely as he nodded emphatically.

“I feel for you man. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t sing. I’m Tsunemi Chiba, by the way,” he introduced himself as he held out his hand. “Man, I can’t believe that you know about Beck though. That is just too crazy.”

Shuichi smiled again and shook his hand. He grabbed the pad from Chiba and wrote a few lines. ‘I saw you playing at a bar and liked your band then. I saw you again I Grateful Sounds and…wow.’

Chiba blushed when he read that. “You really think so?” Shuichi gave a big nod. “Thanks man. That means a lot coming from you. So what are you doing now anyway?”

Shuichi made like he was playing a keyboard using the counter. “Still playing huh?”

Shuichi nodded again and wrote a single word on the pad, ‘teaching.’

The conversation was cut short when someone yelled for Chiba from the kitchen. By the time he made it back to the counter the elder singer was gone. All that was left was the money for the bill, a large tip, and a single sheet pulled from the pad.

‘Chiba, I don’t know what happened between you guys, but don’t let it keep you apart. I love Beck, and I mean that I’m not just saying it. If you can get back together, do it. From what I have seen I know that music is very much a part of all of you. Don’t let anything stop you. It will be worth it. Don’t end up like me, full of regrets. Besides, the kid was right: the ramen here is really bad. -Shindou Shuichi’

XXX
With Eiri – Two months prior to his return.
XXX

Eiri hit the bag again, trying desperately to will Shuichi's face from his mind using his fists. The doctor thought that it would be good therapy. He could work out his frustrations as well as his body. The only problem was that every time he thought about Shuichi, the pink-headed singer’s face would appear on the punching bag. That in turn left Eiri felling guilty for hurting the brat.

He had tried everything. He had been drugged, hypnotized, exercised, and kept a diary among numerous other things. In the end he always ended up thinking about Shuichi again.

He didn’t want to think about Shuichi. He didn’t want to remember that part of his life. In ways it felt worse than remembering Kitazawa Yuki, because Shuichi had loved him too.

Damn it. There it was again, the ‘L’ word. He hated the ‘L’ word. The word made him feel weak and vulnerable. He blinked as something struck him. ‘Did I just think the word ‘too’? I can’t have. I don’t love him. I didn’t love him. I won’t ever love him.’

He glared at the bag in front of him. He had once admitted to Shuichi that he had wanted to be with the man. It had been a true statement uttered in a moment of weakness that he deeply regretted. Really, who wouldn’t want to be with the brat? The kid was hot. Sex on legs as they say. He was good in bed too. With the exception of the fact that the singer could be down right annoying at times he wasn’t too bad of company either. He was a hard worker. He was sweet and thoughtful. He was a considerate lover. Most importantly he loved Eiri with all his heart.

‘But that is all that is good about him. So, see I don’t love him. I really don’t. Anyone would notice those things. Besides it is not like he came after me. I don’t matter to him. I don’t love him. Why would I care about those beautiful lavender eyes? I don’t. I don’t care.’

He hit the bag again hard and winced when the image of a crying Shuichi popped into his head. “Damn it! I don’t care about him, not at all.” He whispered to himself. A little voice in the back of his head seemed to mock him.

‘Just keep telling yourself that. You might believe it someday.’

XXX
Present
XXX

And so Eiri had come back to Japan. That was almost three months ago now, two since he found out what his leaving had cost the one person he would now admit to loving. Any thoughts of searching Shuichi out were quickly beaten down now. He now thought he deserved all the pain he suffered.

He had caused Shuichi to loose the one thing that was most precious to him. As a result he no longer had the courage to seek Shuichi out. He loved the man too much to cause him more pain. He would forever live with the regret of his actions. He would forever live with the face that he had been wrong.

XXX

(1) Bubblegum pop music – I don’t know how many of you know what this as it is a very old fashioned term so I would like to take just a moment to clarify it. Bubblegum pop is usually whatever the current generation of preteens is listening to. Most time it is very generic and corny. Some current examples would be the Backstreet Boys, N’Sinc, and Brittany Spears. Obviously when used the way Chiba used it the term is derogatory.

The ‘song’ from above is not really a song it is just something I wrote for this story.

Thank you all so much for your reviews. It is really encouraging.

So? Too much? Not enough? There’s still more to come.