Slices of Life

Disclaimer: I neither own nor profit from Gravitation


Notes: Here’s the deal – I have chapter 4 of Slices almost done. After 4 is done, I must ask for a little patience – I will be concentrating on my Original!Fiction for Yaoi Con.

Anyway – raise your beer glasses to Kri*Kri (another year older!) and Ashcat for making this possible. Thanks, people for giving me so much of your time and brain cells – I really appreciate it.


Slices of Life

Chapter 3
Losing My Religion


That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up

***************************

Kyosuke rolled over and reached for Suguru but all he found was the cool, empty corner of the bed. Again. He blinked his eyes, still feeling the exhaustion from the night before. Life was catching up with him and, like it or not, he wasn’t as young as Hiroshi and Suguru.

He reached out again, where was Suguru? He sat up, ran a hand through his tangled, thick hair and glanced at the clock. Ten thirty. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept so late. Although, he hadn’t closed his eyes until after the sun had come up.

Suguru’s breathless words hurt me tumbled through his head. What had his lover meant by that? And where was he? They all needed to talk about what was going on in that pretty head of his. Kyosuke stood and stretched, glancing with a smile at Hiroshi, still asleep and uncharacteristically curled into a tight ball, his dark hair fanning out in every direction around him. He leaned over, gave his lover a quick kiss on his forehead, and then threw on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. He needed coffee.

On his way to the kitchen, he poked his head into several rooms, looking for his other lover, but he couldn’t find him. Scowling as he made coffee and rummaged for a cigarette, Kyosuke tried to remember if Suguru had said anything about going out today. He had work with his band in the studio later in the afternoon and Hiroshi had an interview, but his memory was sketchy as far Suguru was concerned. That was becoming a common occurrence these days. Kyosuke’s experience with relationships was limited, but he didn’t think it was a good sign to be so out of synch with your lover.

Kyosuke lit his cigarette and leaned against the counter, listening to the comforting sound of the coffee pot brewing. He couldn’t help the feeling that Suguru was slipping away from him and maybe from Hiroshi as well. Why was Suguru putting so much distance between them?

Hurt me. What did that mean? That was a strange thing to say, especially for their sadistic boy.

“Hey,” Hiro’s voice brought him out of his reverie. He was dressed similarly to Kyosuke only he had managed to run a brush through his hair, tying it back into a ponytail. “Coffee yet?”

“Almost,” Kyosuke said as he took another drag. “Do you know where Suguru is?”

Hiro yawned and nodded. “He said something about the Royal Art Museum.”

“Another museum?” Kyosuke shook his head and pulled down two mugs from the shelves. “I was hoping he would go with me today. I think he might be feeling left out lately.”

“Yeah, at first I thought he was just in a funk, he can get moody from time to time, but now I’m pretty sure something else is going on with him,” Hiro said as he lit his own cigarette.

Blinking at his lover, Kyosuke smiled and said with sarcasm, “You think someone else is moody? Somehow, I find that amusing coming from the number one drama queen in the house.”

Rolling his eyes in return Hiro answered, “He has been kind of acting funny. It’s almost as if he’s forcing himself to be happy.”

“Whatever is happening,” Kyosuke mumbled with a cigarette hanging from his mouth as he poured two cups of coffee, “we need to talk to him about it the first chance we get. I don’t like that he’s become so withdrawn.”

Taking the offered mug of coffee Hiroshi nodded, “I agree. We should do that tonight.”



“Hey, Ito,” Kyosuke called to his band member. “What time is it?”

Ito Haru shifted his guitar on his hip, pulled up has sleeve and answered, “It’s one forty-three.”

Kyosuke stripped off his guitar and placed it gently in its case. “Hiroshi, we need to go.”

Hiroshi looked up from his conversation with Kamura Kenji. In Kyosuke’s opinion, Kenji was Suspended Animation’s only non-problem child. There were no crazy girlfriends or boyfriends and no drama swirling around him. A rarity in Kyosuke’s life these days and very much appreciated.

“Already?” Hiro asked petulantly.

“It’s a quarter to two, we’ve done it to him again.” Kyosuke sighed. “You can stay if you want, but I’m going home.”

Tanaka Aki looked up from his drums. “You mean Suguru, right? I’ve been wondering all night where he was at.”

Kyosuke gave Hiroshi a warning glare and then pointed at Tanaka, “Don’t you start. Either of you.”

“Beats the hell out of me why he sticks around,” Watanabe Miki, the bass player and vocalist said as she lit a cigarette. “You guys are always ditching him.”

“We are not ‘always ditching him’,” Hiroshi answered.

“Then why isn’t he here?” she continued. “And where was he last night? Yeah, I came by late last night and saw you two, but no Suguru.”

“Miki, stay out of it,” Ito snarled. “It’s none of our business.”

Ignoring her band mate and sometimes boyfriend, Miki continued, “Look you two, you made a mess out of Shuichi, try not to do the same thing to Suguru, okay?”

The room was suddenly very quiet. Hiroshi and Kyosuke both stood still as statues as they stared at one another.

Finally, Kyosuke said quietly, “Come on, Hiroshi.”

The minute they left the studio, Kyosuke lengthened his strides. He couldn’t believe that they’d left him at home alone again. What was wrong with them? Especially with the way he’d been acting lately. He looked over his shoulder to see Hiroshi with his phone to his ear. Ah, so Hiroshi was worried, too.

Tonight had gotten away from them. Music could do that to you; it could suck enormous amounts of time from you when you were feeling it. Suguru understood that. At least, Kyosuke hoped he did.

At the car, Kyosuke slid his guitar into the backseat, himself into the front seat and started the engine.

Hiroshi closed his phone gently and said, worriedly, “There’s no answer.”

“Maybe he’s asleep,” Kyosuke reasoned. He chewed on his lip. They both knew Suguru would answer the phone even if he were asleep. He was the lightest sleeper Kyosuke had ever met.

Hiroshi looked out the window. “Do you think we made a mess out of him?”

“Which one? Suguru or Shuichi?”

“Both, I guess.”

“Shuichi, definitely, I think it’s clear that together we had a hand in his meltdown. But Suguru? I don’t know. Maybe all we need to do is get him talking,” Kyosuke reasoned. Could they? When had everything started to fall apart? If both Miki and Aki could see something happening to Suguru, then maybe it was already too late. Too late. The thought of that possibility broke Kyosuke’s heart. Suguru trusted him, looked to him and loved him, even. Kyosuke had wanted to protect him, save him from the cruelty of life, but at the moment, it seemed as if he had actually been the cause of Suguru’s pain.

“Now that I think about it, I’m not sure we can get him to talk.” Hiroshi continued, his voice was lower and filled with concern, “Last night, he asked you to hurt him. What do you think that was all about?”

“I don’t know, Hiroshi,” Kyo answered. “To be honest, it’s bothered me all day. It’s as if he was trying to tell us something without the words.”

“He’s always been like that,” Hiro explained. “I didn’t even really know he loved me for a long time. I mean, I thought he did, but he never actually told me. I don’t think he’s used to talking about things.”

“Well, if you had his mother, I suppose that would make you a little hesitant to articulate your wants and wishes,” Kyo sighed as he pressed his foot harder onto the gas pedal, impatient to get home.

Hiro nodded. “Yeah, I’d take my mother over his any day of the week, and that’s saying a lot.”

“I know, Hiroshi.” Kyosuke did know, but he didn’t really understand. His own parents were kind and supportive; sure, they’d had their moments of difficulty, but not like what Hiroshi and Suguru had endured. It didn’t seem fair, Suguru’s mother plagued him with outrageous demands, Hiroshi’s mother had disowned him, it was only Kyosuke’s father who accepted the triad.

Kyosuke pulled the car into the driveway and quickly got out. He grabbed for his guitar as Hiroshi raced to the front door. By the time he made it to the entryway, Hiroshi had already unlocked it and dashed up the stairs. As he slipped off his shoes, Kyosuke realized he needed to relax, he was certain his lovers were about to have a fight, and it would, most probably, include him as well. It was useless for him to fret so much about it. They would work through it, the way they always did.

At least he hoped so.

Hiroshi met him at the top of the stairs, his eyes wide. “He’s not here.”

Kyosuke’s foot paused at the step and he halted his upward motion. “What?”

“He’s not here,” he held up Suguru’s phone, his voice was filled with panic, “and he didn’t take this. Something must have happened to him.”

Kyosuke finished climbing the stairs and set down his guitar. He took Hiroshi’s hand and answered him soothingly, “Before you freak out for no reason, let’s take this in stages, okay?”

Hiro nodded but squeezed Kyosuke’s hand in return.

“Where was the phone?”

“In the bedroom.”

“Show me.”

They walked together down the hall, holding hands. Their bedroom was empty; the bed was made and untouched. Kyosuke scrutinized the scene; there was no sign of a struggle. A shirt and a pair of pants were on the floor, thrown next to, but not in, the laundry basket. “It looks as if he changed his clothes in a hurry.”

“Yeah,” Hiroshi said in agreement. “His dancing shoes are gone.”

“His what?” Kyosuke looked over his shoulder at his despondent boyfriend.

Hiro sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “He has a pair of shoes he wears only when he goes out to the clubs. He says they are the most comfortable shoes he has to dance in and he always wears them for that reason alone.”

Kyosuke nodded with a smile as he thought affectionately about his compartmentalized lover, “Yeah that sounds like something Suguru would do. But dancing? With who?”

“I know…” Hiro pulled out his phone again. “I’m calling K. Maybe he knows something.”

‘Yeah.” Kyosuke didn’t like having Hiro contact K, but his lover was right in doing so. At the moment, they needed all the help they could get. He wandered to the living room and stared out the window. The view of the city usually helped to sooth him and to order his jumbled thoughts. As he got closer, he saw the soft glow from a lamp. How had he missed that earlier?

He stepped into the room and noticed immediately the many books scattered about, some open and on the couch and some, in two tidy stacks, on the floor. Kyosuke closed the distance and picked up one of the books on the floor. It was volume one of Mastering the Art of French Cooking. He riffled through some of the other books in the stack some were in English and others in Japanese but they were all cookbooks.

The books on the couch were something else. They were books about learning Mandarin. A notebook lay near, with scribbles of Mandarin and corresponding notes. The second stack was a mix of books, some about yoga, some about cars, some about guitars, and some about maintaining healthy relationships. An exercise mat lay close by the books. What had their boy been up to lately, and why? What was even more important, how had they not noticed it? He rummaged through his pockets and found his cigarettes.

“K doesn’t know anything,” Hiro said quietly. “But he said he’d get on it. Did you check with Tony?”

“Not yet.” He lit a cigarette and inhaled.

“What is this?” Hiroshi said as he picked up a random book from the couch. He read the cover and gazed at the other books. “He’s taking Mandarin?”

“I guess so, amongst other things,” Kyosuke sighed. “Why do I feel as if Suguru is suddenly a stranger to me? What have I been missing?”

“He’s always felt he could solve any problem with learning,” Hiroshi poked at the books with his foot. “It looks as if he is trying to learn about us.”

“Or me. I suspect he already knows a lot about you,” Kyosuke sat down. “Why didn’t he tell me?”

“He said he wanted to surprise you,” Tony’s deep voice boomed from the entryway. “I warned him that you would be hurt if he didn’t tell you.”

Kyosuke took a drag from his smoke and stared at his bodyguard. “How long have you known?”

Tony shrugged. “You leave him alone a lot. He goes out of the house everyday and I got curious about what he was doing. So I started following him.”

Kyosuke continued staring at the big man, digesting the words; You leave him alone a lot. He felt as if his longtime friend and protector had kicked him in the stomach. Kyosuke took great pride in his ability to read situations, but he had totally missed all the telltale signs for this predicament. Now all he could hope for was that he could make up for his transgressions.

“Do you know where he’s at right now?” Hiroshi asked.

Tony shook his head. “No. But I know who he’s with.”

Who Suguru was with? Warning bells began to sound in Kyosuke’s head.

Dark eyes flitted to Hiroshi and then back to Kyosuke indicating the bodyguard was uncomfortable speaking in front of Bad Luck’s guitarist.

Kyosuke tipped his head at Tony. “It’s okay, let’s hear it.”

“He’s with your friend, Hunter.”

“Friend?” Hiro sneered.

Kyosuke’s frayed temper gave way and he snapped at his lover, “Yes, Hiroshi, he is a friend. A good friend, as a matter of fact. I am capable of having friends, you know, and right now, I’m a little worn out from having to constantly defend myself from your accusations. Give it rest, will you?”

Hiro’s face colored and he crossed his arms. “Sorry.”

Kyosuke exhaled and crushed out his cigarette. Relax. It’s not Hiroshi’s fault. “No, I shouldn’t have lost my temper. It’s not helping anything.” Relax, he told himself again internally. He looked at Tony before he continued, “Well, it could have been much worse. Hunter is sensible and not a complete dog. He probably won’t jump on Suguru.”

“You’re sure about that?” Hiroshi asked calmly.

Kyosuke ran a hand through his hair but he didn’t answer. Hunter was a good guy, someone who didn’t prey on the vulnerable, but what if it turned out that it was Suguru who was game for it? Hunter was attractive, charming and kind; all traits Suguru would not be ignorant of, not if he agreed to go out with him in the first place. If Suguru were the one to make the first move, all bets would be off at that point. Hunter was, after all, only human. Something about that train of thought bothered him.

“Kyosuke? What are you thinking?”

“He has not been himself lately; don’t you find it odd he would go out with a complete stranger?” Kyosuke stared into those gray eyes as he explained his fear, “I think maybe we should be worried about what Suguru would do at this point and not Hunter.”

“What are you saying?” Hiroshi hissed. “That we shouldn’t trust him? After all this time and all he’s done for us?”

“Look at this!” Kyosuke growled as he waved his arms over the books. “He certainly doesn’t trust us, does he?”

“And why should he?” Hiroshi answered sharply. “We’ve both taken him for granted and treated him like shit. Miki’s right, I don’t know why he stays with us.”

“Yeah…” Kyosuke agreed as he tugged at his hair again. “I think you’re right.”

“Well, I am right, on part of it, anyway,” Hiroshi pushed aside the books near Kyosuke so he could sit next to his lover. “But Suguru has to carry some of the blame as well. I know it’s hard for him to communicate, but like you said, how are we supposed to know what to do if he’s hiding things from us?”

Kyosuke swallowed and he forced out the words, “I thought he trusted me.”

Hiroshi leaned over and hugged his lover. “I know, Kyosuke.” Pulling back he laced his fingers through Kyosuke’s unresponsive ones and squeezed. “I know.”

“Suguru-san says he does trust you,” Tony said, “about some things.”

Kyosuke’s eyes narrowed. “What all do you know, Tony?”

“Suguru-san will be unhappy with me if I tell you,” Tony looked uncomfortable again. He sighed. “But I did tell him you would ask soon.”

“And?” Kyosuke prompted.

Tony repeated Suguru’s schedule, “He has two hours of Mandarin four times a week. His instructor is a retired Professor Edgecomb. He also attends two to three hours of Yoga four to five days a week at a yoga studio about two miles away, his instructor is a tiny, but fierce, warrior woman named Jo Ann. He has cooking classes twice a week from a Chef Davis at L’auberge. He has attended various other courses ranging from auto mechanics to the history of Taiwan.”

Hiro exhaled after hearing the extensive list. After a moment he finally said with a tinge of frustration, “I get the Mandarin, the history of Taiwan, the mechanics class and even the self-help relationship books, but cooking? And yoga? What’s that all about?”

Tony shook his head. “He didn’t say.”

“Maybe not,” Kyosuke interjected, “but it’s a good bet it has something to do with us.”

“Yeah,” Hiro agreed and collapsed back into the couch, studying his lover. “Do you know where he might be, Kyosuke?”

Kyosuke nodded and then he stood. “Yeah. Knowing Hunter, they are probably at one of three places. Tony and I will go.”

“I’m going, too,” Hiro announced.

“No, I don’t think so, Hiroshi. Someone needs to stay here in case he comes home.”

Hiro stood up and faced his lover, his storm-colored eyes full of determination. “Don’t stop me, Kyosuke. I know the real reason you don’t want me to go. You’re worried I will make a scene.”

Kyosuke sighed. “That’s true. I spent a lot of time at the clubs, I’ll probably run into some people I know. We really don’t have time to deal with one of your… outbursts right now.”

Hiroshi’s eyes remained determined. “Look Kyosuke, I know I’m a little… jealous, but this is about Suguru, not about you and me.”

One of Kyosuke’s eyebrows shot up. “A little jealous?”

“Okay, okay. I’m insanely jealous,” Hiro admitted. “But that doesn’t change the fact that this is about Suguru. Tony or Nakamura can stay here.”

“All right, but the minute you say one word, I’m shipping you home, Hiroshi,” Kyosuke threatened. “I mean it, okay?”

His silent nod of agreement was enough to let Kyosuke know he would keep his word. It also let Kyosuke know just how worried Hiroshi was.

Kyosuke took Hiroshi’s hand, “Then let’s go.”

The first club was a bubbling caldron of activity. It was a Saturday night and still filled to the brim at nearly three thirty in the morning. The search was painstakingly slow as the three of them, Kyosuke, Hiro, and Tony, combed through the place. Unfortunately, they didn’t find any sign of either Suguru or Hunter.

The second club was also a writhing mass of hormone-laden boys trying to get lucky. The three stepped inside at four twenty, immediately splitting up to cover more ground. At four thirty-two, Kyosuke recognized Nicholas Beam, who seemed to be whispering frantically to his friend, Tom Wrigley. It was a good a place to start as any so Kyosuke crossed the room to join the two at their table.

“Hey, Tom, Nick,” he smiled at them.

“Hey, Kyo,” Tom answered nervously. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” he answered as he sat down in an empty chair. “You two haven’t seen Hunter tonight, have you?”

“I knew it,” Nick hissed. “You’re mad about your cousin, aren’t you?”

Kyosuke blinked, surprised by Nick’s comment. “Cousin?”

“Yeah,” Tom nodded, “the pretty, delicate Suguru? His English is amazing by the way, considering how many drinks he put away and he still had very little accent. Was he raised in a bilingual home by any chance?”

Kyosuke’s blood ran cold, Suguru was drinking? “He told you he was my cousin?”

“He did,” Nick answered with a slight slur in his words. “Well, until the very end of the night when he told us you weren’t actually blood cousins.”

Tom leaned against Nick and looked around, “Oh, Kyo, please tell me you’ve brought your jealous boyfriend. We’ve been dying to get a look at him and Suguru never did give us any details.”

Nick and Tom didn’t know the truth about the three of them; Suguru had chosen to keep it from them. Had he kept it from Hunter, as well? This was bad. “How long ago did Suguru leave?”

“Umm, I dunno, maybe half an hour ago? Maybe an hour,” Nick looked at Tom and they both nodded. “He went with Hunter.”

An hour. “Were they…” Kyosuke reached for the words as Hiroshi stepped up to the table an unlit cigarette in his hand.

“Ohh, is this him?” Tom crooned as he sat up taller and checked out the new arrival.

“Yes,” Kyosuke pulled out a chair and motioned for his lover to sit. “This is Hiroshi. Hiroshi, the flamboyant one with the peacock blue hair is Tom and the short one is Nick.”

“Tch. What has happened to those charming manners of yours, Kyo?” Tom sniffed before turning to Hiroshi and holding up his lighter. “So you are the scary, jealous boyfriend we’ve all heard so much about.”

“Scary?” Hiroshi answered with some confusion as he accepted the lighter and lit his cigarette.

“Don’t worry about it, they are completely drunk,” Kyosuke explained. “Now, about Suguru…”

“Yes, darling boy, Suguru is,” Nick nodded. “He was the belle of the ball tonight, but I believe Hunter was the first pick from the start.”

“Well, you can hardly blame him,” Tom laughed. “Who could resist someone so yummy?”

Kyosuke swallowed. “Did it seem as if they were involved?”

“I’d say Suguru’s tongue down Hunter’s throat was a dead give away to that,” a new voice announced.

“Rhys,” Kyosuke exhaled as he wondered how much more difficult the night could get.

“Kyosuke, how are you?” Rhys tipped his head with the greeting; his long, light brown ponytail fell over his shoulder. His eyes flickered over Kyosuke with melancholy hunger and then over Hiroshi with open aggression. “I see you’ve brought the other one.”

“Other one?” Nick queried.

Rhys smiled. “Kyosuke has two boyfriends, didn’t you know? They all live together.”

“They all…” Nick’s eyes grew wide.

“Oh god, don’t tell me,” Tom moaned. “Suguru?”

Kyosuke glanced at Hiroshi, bracing for the explosion, but what he saw in his lover surprised him. Hiro’s gray eyes were riveted on Rhys, studying him closely. His observation wasn’t hostile or even sad; the look was as if Rhys somehow puzzled Hiroshi.

“Hiroshi?” he said quietly as he placed a hand on his lover’s shoulder. “It’s time to go.”

“Yeah,” he said as he took a drag of his cigarette and continued watching Rhys.

Tom and Nick both stared at Hiroshi before Tom asked, “What is it about Rhys?”

Hiro turned his head and blinked in confusion at the blue-haired man. “I’m sorry; I don’t understand your question.”

“Suguru was interested in Rhys, too,” Nick attempted to clarify. “Does he look like someone you know?”

“Are you going to Hunter’s?” Rhys asked Kyosuke, ignoring the conversation between the other three.

“Yes,” Kyo answered his ex-boyfriend absently, still watching Hiroshi’s close scrutiny of Rhys. According to Nick, Suguru had displayed interest in Rhys as well. What was that all about? Did they find him attractive? He stood up. “Hiroshi, we are leaving.”

Nodding, Rhys said, “You know that Hunter didn’t know about your relationship with Suguru, right? He probably still doesn’t, so don’t take it out on him. Suguru seemed a little desperate for some reason, like he just wanted...” he shrugged.

“Attention,” Tom volunteered.

“Yeah,” Nick added. “He even mentioned something about having so much attention. And you know Hunter wouldn’t do anything intentionally to risk your friendship, Kyosuke.”

“He’s not like some people I know,” Tom looked pointedly at Rhys and sniffed.

Rhys’ voice was smooth as he asked, “What are you implying, Tom?”

Nick leaned against his friend. “It wasn’t until you had your one-on-one ‘chat’ with Suguru that he threw himself at Hunter.”

Kyosuke turned to Rhys and demanded, “What did you say to him?”

Rhys shrugged. “Nothing, really. He wanted to know why you and I broke up. I told him.”

“That’s all?” Kyosuke ran a hand through his hair as he tried to recall what incident caused the break up. Rhys never meant much to him from the start, he was more of a convenience of the moment than an actual relationship, so a break up was inevitable from the beginning. At the time, Kyosuke’s reputation was well known and he never pretended to be anything other than what he was. Rhys was fooling himself if he thought meant more to Kyosuke than a passing fancy.

“You don’t remember why we broke up, do you?” Rhys said with a sigh.

“Not really,” Kyosuke smiled and shook his head. “Sorry.”

“That’s what I told him. I told him he would end up like me,” Rhys pointed his big, blue eyes at Hiroshi, “and you will, too. Kyosuke is in love with someone he can’t have.”

“What kind of nonsense are you spouting, Rhys? Come on, Hiroshi, we need to go get Suguru.” Kyosuke took his lover’s elbow and guided him toward the exit. Hiro was unusually compliant and as they left the club. Kyosuke took a good look at him as Hiro calmly placed his cigarette in a sand-filled ashtray near the exit. He still didn’t look angry in spite of Rhys’ attempt to needle him.

“What’s on your mind, Hiroshi?”

“I don’t know…” Hiro shook his head, his long, dark hair flying out around him. “What’s the deal with that guy?”

“I think he was trying to make you question me. Did he succeed?” Kyosuke asked with some trepidation.

“No,” Hiro chuckled and added with disdain in his voice, “not him.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem to have much substance to him,” Hiro said with a wistful smile. “I suppose, now that I think about it, all of your other past acquaintances were similar. I guess I’ve been correct in assuming all of your past conquests were based solely on appearance.”

“Really?” Kyosuke answered as he unlocked the car doors with his fob. “I have to tell you, I’m not sure how I feel about your assessment.”

Hiro opened the car door and slid inside. “Is it because you disagree about Rhys specifically or because you feel I’ve marked you as shallow in general?”

Kyosuke slipped behind the wheel and turned his head to look at his lover. “Shallow? You think I’m shallow?”

“It’s true,” Hiro nodded. “You know it is.”

“Hmm,” Kyosuke turned on the car, threw it into gear, and shot out of the parking lot.

After a moment Hiro added, “But there is something else about Rhys that bugs me. Maybe your friends are right, I think he does remind me of someone.”

“Hmm,” Kyosuke answered absently as he steered the car at a ridiculous speed down the street. Hunter’s house was next and he hoped they weren’t too late.

As if anticipating Kyosuke’s thoughts, Hiro said, “Maybe you should tell me about your other friend.”

Wary of a trap, he asked, “What is it exactly that you want to know?”

Hiro sighed. “All right, we’ll do it your way. How long have you known this guy?”

Smiling slightly, and glancing over at his very intense lover, Kyosuke answered, “Since I was in college. I didn’t attend long, but that’s where we met. Over ten years ago. More.”

“What’s he like?”

“Hunter is intelligent and clever, although he’s something of a smart-ass.”

“He sounds like you,” Hiro’s response had a surly edge to it.

“No, we are nothing alike. He’s kind, thoughtful and honorable.” He turned his head to look at Hiroshi, “He’s not shallow.”

Hiro forced a smile in return and then looked away. After a moment he continued, “So… did you ever sleep together?”

It was Kyosuke turn to sigh. “Yes, we did. Over ten years ago.”

“What happened?”

“We make better friends than lovers, that’s what happened.”

“Hmm, let me guess, he caught you fooling around on him?”

“Something like that,” Kyosuke grumbled.

Kyosuke could feel Hiro’s penetrating gaze focus on him before he asked, “He’s not still angry about it, is he? Angry enough to get even by using Suguru?”

“No way, that’s not his style. Besides, that was a long time ago, we’ve been very close ever since. I suppose I consider him my best friend. He even came to my mother’s funeral.” He chewed on his lower lip and thought about Hunter. If Suguru didn’t tell him abut their relationship and then came on to him, how would Hunter react? If he took Suguru up on his offer, how would Kyosuke view his best friend from that moment on? As a rival? An enemy? Or, would he still be a considered a friend since the injury to Kyosuke would be unintentional?

Hiroshi interrupted his thoughts. “If he’s such a good friend, then why didn’t you have him come over and meet us, Kyosuke?”

“I don’t have a good answer for that other than I’ve been a little busy. Due to my schedule, Hunter’s used to long periods of not hearing from me. That’s one of the reasons we remain good friends, he knows my limitations and he doesn’t expect anything more from me than I can give,” Kyosuke explained.

Hiroshi asked quietly, “It’s because of me, isn’t it?”

Kyosuke scrambled his thoughts, trying to think of what to say. “Not… completely.”

“I guess I really am scary,” Hiroshi stated. “And I guess a lot of this is my fault.”

“What makes you say that, Hiro-kun?”

“If I wasn’t so busy running off and being - what did you call me? – Oh, yeah, a drama queen, maybe Suguru wouldn’t feel so isolated and alone.”

Kyosuke reached out with his left hand and patted his lover’s thigh. “It’ll be all right, you know. We’ll get through this.”

Shaking his head, Hiroshi said, “You don’t know him as well as I do, Kyosuke. If he went home with your friend, he’d already made up his mind. Suguru isn’t impulsive like you or even me.”

“It’s possible I’ve rubbed off on him,” Kyosuke reasoned.

“Don’t you get it? It’s over; he’s given up on us.”

“How can you say that without even seeing him?” Inside Kyosuke’s head, he heard Suguru’s pleading, desperate voice; Hurt me. Had those words been a warning?

“I can say it because Suguru doesn’t do things on a whim, Kyosuke!” Hiro shouted. “He’s probably doing your friend right now, just to make a point.”

“Don’t say that!” Kyosuke matched Hiro’s volume, “There’s always a first time for everything and we won’t know until we talk to him, will we?” Hurt me. Hurt me. Hurt me. The voice rang in his head.

They were both panting with anger, fear, and exhaustion as Kyosuke parked the car. He got out and Hiro followed him to the door of a flat. It only took a few moments after the first knock before the door opened.

Hunter stood there in his bare feet and open shirt with a towel around his neck. He smiled wanly at Kyosuke. “You’re late.”

“How late?” Kyosuke asked.

“Come on in,” Hunter waved them inside. “Are you the scary boyfriend?”

Hiro nodded as he filed passed and into Hunter’s house.

“Well, Kyosuke, I expect you and I need to talk.”

“We do.”

Hiroshi stood quietly for a moment and then asked politely, “Where is he?”

“In the bedroom,” Hunter motioned with his hand. “Down the hall, second door to your right.”

Hiro moved toward the room but Hunter stepped in front of him and blocked his way. “Just so you know; I told him he could stay with me if he wanted. I keep my promises.”

Nodding grimly, Hiro brushed past the taller man and moved down the hall.

Hunter watched him with curiosity. “He doesn’t seem all that scary.”

“He’s a little subdued tonight,” Kyosuke explained. “I think he’s had an epiphany of some sort. Ever since we realized Suguru was gone, he’s been weird.”

“You’re a little out of character yourself. Where is the teasing sarcasm and quick wit, tonight?” Hunter raised an eyebrow. “Could it be you have something on your mind?”

“Yeah, you could say that,” Kyosuke nodded. “About Suguru...”

Crossing his arms, Hunter asked, “Look, Kyo, are you going to hit me or what?”

Kyosuke narrowed his eyes and asked slowly, “Is there a reason why I should?”

“Nick called a few minutes ago,” Hunter glared at him. “He had some rather surprising news to drop on me.”

“Ah, I see. So, you know? About the three of us?”

“Well, I do now,” those black eyes shone with irritation. “No thanks to you or to your cousin Suguru. I’ve been blindsided and caught in some stupid love triangle or, in this case, a love trapezoid, like some inexperienced, green kid. I feel like an idiot. Why didn’t you tell me about this? I thought I was your friend, Kyo!”

“You are my friend, Hunter, it’s just… complicated.”

“Too complicated to tell me? What the hell kind of lame excuse is that? You and me, we’ve been through all kinds of crazy stuff together, I’ve even bailed your sorry ass out of jail before, Kyo, don’t give me too complicated. Do you know how long I’ve waited for you to fall for someone, you selfish bastard?” Hunter fell into a nearby chair. “And now this. Fuck.”

And now this? What did that mean? “Look, I’m sorry for not telling you, but I need to know…”

“Could you have picked up the phone? Sent me an email? Could you have spared five minutes for me?” Hunter shook his head. “No, I get to find out that you are in some heavy polyamorphous relationship from Tom and Nick! Is that any bloody way to treat your friend?”

“Hunter…”

“Jeez, Kyo. Could you possibly think about someone else from time to time?”

“I said I was sorry! And you’re completely correct, I should have told you about Hiroshi and Suguru from the beginning,” Kyosuke forced down his anger, this wasn’t Hunter’s fault, after all.

“Bloody right, you should have told me,” Hunter huffed.

Kyosuke struggled to make sense of with what was happening, why exactly was he apologizing to Hunter? When it seemed as if Hunter and Suguru had… His voice took on a more serious tone. “Look, I know Suguru didn’t tell you about our… lifestyle. Tom and Nick and even Rhys went out of their way to explain that to me.” Kyosuke inhaled deeply, “But I need you to tell me… exactly how late am I tonight?”

“Kyosuke?” Hiroshi’s voice said behind him.

Kyosuke turned to see Hiroshi standing slightly behind Suguru. His eyes studied his wayward lover. He had on a shirt that wasn’t his, his hair was damp and he looked a little pale, but other than that, Suguru didn’t seem drunk, embarrassed, or ashamed. On the contrary, he seemed angry. No, a better description would be furious. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” was his clipped, chilly answer.

His eyes shifted to Hiroshi but his other lover’s expression was unreadable. “Are you ready to go home?”

“I don’t have a home,” he answered.

He delivered the words as if they were the equivalent of a slap in the face. The sentiment was eerily similar to a something Hiroshi had voiced a few days earlier. He felt as if the ground was eroding under his feet. “Suguru,” Kyosuke said soothingly, possibly for himself more than for his hurting lover. He reached out for him, needing to feel the comfort of that wonderful body against his own. “Why would you say such a thing?”

Suguru swatted his hand away, brown eyes now blazing with ferocity. “Don’t touch me.”

Hiroshi’s gray eyes connected with Kyosuke’s and he shook his head indicating his matching confusion with their lover. Don’t touch me. Hurt me. The two phrases had an identical ring to Kyosuke’s ears. What did those words really mean? “Then tell me, tell us, what is it that you do want?”

“What I…” Suguru swallowed and his eyes suddenly filled with pain. He glanced over his shoulder at Hiroshi and that was when Kyosuke saw it.

Love bite.

Time seemed to slow down unnaturally and Kyosuke’s scalp tingled with some unknown feeling. He reached out again and this time, he slowly pulled back the too-big collar, exposing more of his lover’s neck. Suguru turned his back, and this time his look was full of challenging defiance.

Kyosuke shifted his gaze to the pale skin, so often the happy victim of teeth marks from himself or Hiro. Now, however, Suguru sported two hickeys, neither made by his lovers. He exhaled. Did it really matter if Suguru, in a moment of weakness, had found someone else to ease his loneliness? Cleary the tryst he had just partaken in certainly didn’t have anything to do with love. Possibly his motivation was spite, or possibly anger was the driving incentive, but whatever reason brought about this infraction, if Suguru came home with them, what was the real issue here?

He looked again, there were actually three hickeys visible, not two. He wondered how many more lie hidden under Hunter’s borrowed shirt. He drew back his now shaking hand and glanced into Hiroshi’s storm-colored eyes, they were not so unreadable now and they registered pure turmoil and pain. Hiroshi was hurting.

Suguru’s focus softened a bit, but Kyosuke didn’t know how to interpret the change. Hurt me. He wondered if Suguru asked that of Hunter and if his friend complied with the request. He wondered again if that was truly an issue. In the end, in the grand scheme of life, did it really matter if Hunter, his best friend, had slept with his lover? Would Hunter cease being his friend if he made Suguru cry out in pleasure? Would Suguru no longer be his lover if Hunter had managed to give him what Kyosuke and Hiroshi couldn’t?

Over the years, Kyosuke had slept with scores of people and some of them were in relationships at the time. It hadn’t really mattered to him. Not then, anyway. However, he was rapidly beginning to understand that being on this side of the equation felt a little different. Was this what the people he’d helped betray experienced, this strange, helpless feeling?

“Kyosuke?” He heard Hiroshi’s concerned voice but it seemed very distant to him, “Are you okay?”

“Don’t worry about him,” Hunter chuckled. “I think he’s having an epiphany.”

Without any warning, dizziness overwhelmed Kyosuke. He moved to the nearest chair and sat down. What action did should take in this situation? Should he hit his best friend? Should he break up with his lover? Should he rant, rave, and swear? He didn’t know. It seemed he only knew about the strange pain in his heart and in his head.

“Settle down, will ya?” Hunter sat near him and met his gaze; black eyes sparkled with taunting amusement. “I can tell you’re upset, but maybe you need to hear the whole story before you lose your mind.”

“Whole story?” he repeated absently. What was there to hear, and what could he do about it if it had already occurred? He glanced at a fuming Hiroshi and an ice-cold Suguru. He didn’t think he could hold them together this time. He’d worked hard but he was beginning to feel he could not continue. Maybe he was incapable of sustaining a relationship after all.

“Get a grip, Kyo,” Hunter’s voice took on a slightly softer although more serious tone. “I think you’re freaking out your boyfriend…s. I’m beginning to understand that you finally care about someone. Enough, it seems, to crack that cool, smug exterior you have. I have to admit, you have me very curious as to how you will handle this.”

“I’m glad I’ve been a source of entertainment for you,” Kyosuke said sardonically as he stood. He wasn’t sure what he was planning on doing, but he had to get to his feet. He took a step towards Hunter, but he wasn’t certain why.

Hunter got to his feet as well. “Maybe you are going to hit me? Well, that would be better than this self-absorbed brooding you are boring us with.”

He took another step. Was he planning to hit Hunter? He didn’t think so. Part of him wanted to, but would it really fix anything? Part of him wanted to walk out the door and not look back, return to his days of ridiculous, unencumbered whimsy. Sure, he’d been lonely at times, but his life was easier and it never hurt like this.

Hunter was watching him intently as he took one more step. What was he going to do when he got within arms reach? Would he take a swing at his best friend? He didn’t get a chance to find out as Suguru moved between them and faced Kyosuke. He said sternly, “Stop it, Kyosuke.”

He studied the brown eyes; they were determined, but no less wounded than they were earlier. There was an unidentified tightness in his chest and the dizziness washed over him again. “Suguru,” he whispered.

“What are you planning on doing?” Suguru asked quietly. “You know it’s not his fault.”

Kyosuke shook his head. He didn’t feel as if individual fault even applied in this bizarre chain of events. It seemed as if the whole room was culpable, yet Kyosuke knew that a large portion of responsibility fell on his own shoulders. If he’d paid more attention to his quiet, faithful lover, if he’d been more in tune with his emotionally cautious Suguru, this scene would not be playing out.

“’Guru-kun,” he finally managed to say with a broken voice. “I’m sorry.” Water fell on his hand and he stared at it, mystified by its presence.

“I don’t believe it,” Hunter whispered as he looked over Suguru’s shoulder and into Kyosuke’s eyes. “Is that a tear?”

“Is it?” He continued to stare at his hand trying to make sense out of what he was seeing. “It is.”

When Suguru finally spoke, his tone was still cool, “Kyosuke, do you even know what you are sorry for?” His eyes shifted to Hiroshi, “Either of you?”

Hiroshi crossed his arms and glared but remained silent.

“For leaving you alone. For isolating you,” Kyosuke said as rubbed impatiently at his eyes.

Suguru sighed. “It’s a start, I guess.”

It was a start? There was more to this ongoing nightmare? Confusion assaulted him; he didn’t know how to fix this. He was always in charge, the leader, and the one who knew how to sort the issues out, but lately it seemed he wasn’t able to problem-solve his way out of a paper bag. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“Well,” Hunter smiled at him and moved close enough to cuff him gently on his head, “that sounds promising. Now, you have a very clever boy there that needs some serious TLC, even if,” his tone grew gruff and he stared pointedly at Suguru, “at this moment, I’d like to box his ears myself.”

Kyosuke’s eyes met Hunter’s mischievous black ones and for a moment, he wondered if Hiroshi’s initial evaluation was correct. Perhaps Hunter had slept with Suguru just to get even with him from all those years ago. Wait a minute. “You never did answer my question, Hunter.”

Hunter raised an eyebrow. “And what question would that be?”

“How late was I?”

“Oh no, I’m not getting in the middle of that. You two… three,” he paused as he glanced at a wordless and tightly strung Hiroshi. “Hmm. Go home and discuss it. That is, if you are okay with that, Suguru?”

Suguru nodded slowly.

“All right then, out. I’m tired,” Hunter said as he waved them towards the door.

Kyosuke paused before he followed his lovers. “Hunter, whatever happened…”

“Get your ass out. I’m still mad at you.”

“For not telling you about my polyamorous relationship or for what happened when we were in college?”

Hunter started to laugh. “You’re kidding, right? You really do suffer from delusions of grandeur, Kyo. See you later.”

As he made his way to the car to face a silent pair of lovers, he considered what had transpired. He still didn’t know the details about Suguru and Hunter, but at this point, he didn’t think it was that important. He gazed at a seething Hiroshi who seemed ready to explode at any moment. Okay, maybe it was important, but in the grand scheme of life, it wasn’t the end of the world.

They would work through it, the way they always did.

At least he hoped so.


TBC


Lyrics for Losing My Religion by REM