A Matter Of Profit

A Matter Of Profit
[Modern AU]

Chapter 2 - A Male Computer Taking It Up The Ass And Loving Every Second Of It

It was a well known fact on the shady half of town that, for all his attitude and street smarts, Sanzo was NOT a morning person. Perhaps only those who lived in the same building as him could truly appreciate his utter loathing of any time before noon, though the neighbors probably had more than an inkling.

It was pretty hard to miss the sound of an alarm clock being shot fifteen times with a small handgun until it finally “SHUT THE GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCK UP!”. There had also been the incident a few weeks ago where Banri had just been able to keep him from dumping what looked like a large grandfather clock out the window…

Yes. Sanzo was not a morning person. So, he asked himself, why was he up at five o’clock in the goddamn morning?

Why, to siphon his neighbor’s gas, of course.

There was no way in hell that he was walking all the way to a gas station, buying a gallon of gas to put in Banri’s car so he could drive it BACK to the gas station, and buy more gas to get him and antennae boy back to the seventh level of hell, aka high school.

He didn’t have enough money to buy gas anyway. He needed what he did have for rent. But it wasn’t going to be used on rent, even with this little gas stunt, oh no, it was going to be used to bail Banri’s ass out of the can later that day. So Sanzo could give him the beat down he deserved, before selling him into white slavery for some extra dough.

It was a nice thought, but somehow, he doubted Banri would go for much. At least if the people he was trying to sell him to met him first. Maybe though, if he sold him cheap, they would pay Sanzo to take him back in a few days…

Nah. Sanzo had three words for that little scheme. Too. Much. Effort.

It would require way more energy than he had at the moment (or ever had for that matter). He was feeling lightheaded anyway, and it wasn’t because he was getting high off gas fumes either. No, his blood pressure was low in the morning, effectively lowering his IQ about fifty points. He couldn’t stand it, possibly because it was the only time Banri was smarter than him.

…

Fuck that. He still had hundreds of points on that retard.

But damn, was this taking FOREVER.

He had already gotten a few gallons from the antique the old man, Jikaku, drove around. He had started with him on principle alone really, since he had this bad habit of being right in the middle of wherever Sanzo happened to be trying to drive. Annoying, that. So it was like reimbursement, in a way.

Siphoning the entire tank of gas from Hazel Grosse’s new convertible, even when the tank to Banri’s car was full, now that was just for spite.

~*~*~*~

When Gojyo finally did wake up, it was under the impression that he was about to die.

Why, one might ask?

It could have something to do with the wet, phlegm-filled hairball congealing in his open mouth. Gagging, sputtering, and letting out a stream of noises more suited to a choking cat, it took him a minute to hack the soaking tangle of yuck out of his mouth. Gasping for a few moments, he did his best to stay as far away from the mess as possible, without much success. It was HIS HAIR after all.

Maybe it was time to get a haircut.

His antennae gave a terrified twitch.

…Or… not…

Shaking his head, he tried to ignore the feeling that his HAIR was evolving into a sentient life form in favor of glancing around the room. Holy hell, what a dump! How drunk had he been to fuck whatever chick lived here last night, and when was his free period so he could go make sure he hadn’t caught an STD…

He jumped about ten feet in the air when he heard the unmistakable sound of a door being kicked in, followed by some not so muffled cursing in a male voice that seemed vaguely familiar.

Male voice? Vaguely familiar?

…

How much HAD he drank last night, to get it on with a guy?! Mother fuck, had he been ass raped?! He shifted around a bit, just to make sure nothing down there was more sore than it should be, breathing a sigh of relief. THANK GOD.

He frowned, wondering what the hell had happened. Did that mean he had been the one sticking his junk in another guy‘s trunk? Maybe he’s gotten lucky, and they’d only wanked, or given each other blow jobs or something.

…Hadn’t really needed that imagery. He would never be clean again. He started as the door to the room crashed open, a snarling blond storming in and standing next to the bed he still occupied, arms folded angrily across his chest.

It was around that point that a lot of unpleasant memories came rushing back.

He almost wished he’d been ass raped. Buddha knew it would probably be less painful than whatever this guy had in store for him. Staring up warily, he choked down a whimper.

Next time he saw Banri, he was so punching him in the nuts.

~*~*~*~

Staring down at the waste of organic matter that was currently (still) occupying his bed, Sanzo made an attempt to cool his temper. A half assed attempt, maybe even less than that, more like a sixteenth ass attempt if anything… actually, it was kind of like using an eye dropper full of luke warm water to put out a car fire (Banri’s comparison, not his)… but the point was that he tried. A little. Maybe.

Before promptly giving up, shoving his hands under one side of the mattress, and tilting it up. Coincidentally spilling a lazy kappa ass onto the concrete floor. Bastard should know better than to laze around in someone else’s bed anyway, especially when he hadn’t been welcome in it in the first place.

He did get a small sense of satisfaction out of the gooey blob of hair, spit, and mucus currently glued to the side of the quarterback’s face though. Made putting up with him for the night worth it, at least.

“FUCK! THAT HURT, YOU DICKLICK!”

“My heart bleeds for you, truly it does. Now get your ass out of bed, I have to go bust Banri out before school starts.”

“Why not just leave him there for the day, Lord knows he deserves it…”

“He’d enjoy it too much. Shuei always slips him doughnuts through the bars.”

“You know the cops well enough to call them by their first names? That’s a bit messed up man.”

“Nobody asked you, asswipe. Now get up and out, we’re leaving in five minutes. Failure to cooperate will result in death.”

“Um… man, in case you’ve forgotten, the cars a bit low on a little something called GAS.”

“It’s already been taken care of.” Sanzo had to turn around in an attempt to hide his smirk, though he had a feeling the redhead saw it anyway. He couldn’t wait to go out and see Grosse’s expression when his shiny red car wouldn’t start. It might even rival the look he had when Sanzo had stuck Oreos on every available surface last month. That cream filling was hell to get off leather.

“Do I want to ask?”

“Not unless you want to be charged as an accomplice.”

“Dude, what did you do?!”

“Confidential. If I told you, I’d have to kill you. Ask again, and I might anyway.”

Not particularly bothered by the mutinous grumblings behind him, Sanzo made his way out of the room, trying to remember where he had left the keys last night. He had been so sure that he’d left them on the table, but when he had looked earlier, all he’d found was Banri’s porn collection. Excuse him whilst he gagged. Not that he had anything against porn, it had it’s uses when everyone was suddenly feeling too virtuous to get down and dirty for the night, but it was Banri’s porn. Which automatically meant it was completely tasteless. Too many whips and chains.

Don’t get him wrong, Sanzo liked whips and chains just as much as the next man, but there were simply some places they should NOT go. Ever. There were lines, damnit, and Sanzo was quite comfortable on his side of them, thank you.

But, back to the keys. He had already checked the table, the counter, the couch (revolting an experience as it had been), the fridge, the toilet, and the garbage disposal. Don’t ask him why, it had happened before. He wasn’t exactly sure how his key’s came to life and moved around at night, but he had a theory about the cockroaches in this place. Mainly that they had been exposed to nuclear radioactive waste and had developed intellects close to that of humans. All that was left was for them to evolve into more humanoid bodies before they could effectively take over the world by beginning a nuclear war the likes of which only they would have the means to survive.

His living proof of this theory chose then to walk out of his room, red antennae twitching and all.

“Hey, blondie, shouldn’t we be leaving? What are you doing anyway?”

Sanzo supposed it was a legit question, considering that he was currently under the table, still searching for his elusive keys. It was the damn cockroaches, he just knew it.

“Well, I can’t exactly drive the car unless I have the keys, now can I?”

“You lost the keys? How the hell did you pull that off, you came in and went straight to bed!”

“Oh shut the hell up and help me look, unless you want to be late?”

“How the hell do I always get myself into these things…” It was a mumbled question, obviously rhetorical, but Sanzo felt the need to answer anyway. He was only helping. That his idea of help came in the form of pointing out the redhead’s biggest, or one of his biggest, character flaws was just a coincidence.

“It might have something to do with your inability to shut your freakishly large mouth.”

“What the- better to have a big mouth than a pole stuck up my ass, princess!”

Sanzo had just opened his mouth to respond, when he heard the tell-tale and ominous sound of a closing door. Namely, his neighbor’s closing door, followed by footsteps.

To be one hundred percent completely accurate, the door to his neighbor Hazel Grosse’s apartment closing, and footsteps heading down the hall and to directly outside his door.

Oh no. He was NOT going to deal with this today. Not when he already had one idiot wasting space in jail and another moron running off at the mouth a few feet away. He did not need a gay ass cocksucker of a jackass barging in here and wasting HIS time, breathing HIS air, and scuffing up HIS floors while in HIS apartment.

Shoving himself up against the wall and making himself as small as possible, he decided to try and wait it out and hope Grosse didn’t see him hiding under the table. Hopefully the man would think he’d already packed up and gone to school, unless he decided to look out the window and saw the car was still outside. Sanzo could always hope. And no, he decided a few moments later, he did not care that he was throwing Gojyo to the metaphorical sharks.

Or shark, as it were. The comparison was quite accurate, he believed. After all, Grosse did seem to show an almost unnatural amount of teeth when he smiled, and those canines were a little too sharp for comfort.

What made the whole thing really messed up was the way Grosse always entered. Instead of slamming the door in to loudly and obnoxiously announce his presence (like Banri), or quietly sneaking in like the stalker he was, he would just open the door normally (if you ignored the lack of doorknob) and stroll in like he owned the place. Like he had every right to come in, because his company was welcome and wanted.

Which Sanzo, as the tenant of the apartment, could swear under oath was definitely NOT the case.

“Ha! I found ‘em! But why the hell did you put them in the bottom of the freaking clock, not exactly the first place you would loo- WHOA!”

Sanzo rolled his eyes. What a drama queen. It wasn’t like Grosse had been quiet coming in, the idiot should have heard the footsteps. Though, he supposed the redhead could have assumed it was Sanzo, wasn’t like he was used to Grosse barging in out of nowhere.

“Who the hell are you?”

“Good mornin’ to you as well! I’m Mr. Sanzo’s neighbor, just popped in to see how he was doin’.”

“Mr. Sanz- know what, not going there. But, um, have you never heard of knocking? You can’t just barge into other people’s homes without permission man.”

I’ll second that, Sanzo thought to himself. Who knew him and the brainless wonder would actually agree on something? Perhaps the world was ending.

Only the cockroaches would survive.

“If you don’t mind me sayin’ sir, I reckon I just did.”

“Well, I ‘reckon’ ya should get the fuck out before I knock you and your crappy accent’s teeth in!”

“My goodness, Mr. Sanzo’s friends really aren’t known for their manners, are they?”

“Is that right? Well beggin’ your fuckin’ pardon!”

Were they ever going to shut the fuck up? Sanzo dragged a hand down his face, already getting a headache from Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumb’s fighting. He almost wished it would hurry up and get violent, anything was better than listen to their inane comebacks.

At least they were both distracted and not paying attention to him. Maybe, if he timed it right, he could slip out without either of them noticing. He levered himself to his hands and knees, plotting his course. Okay, the table could hide him for a few feet, and if he was careful, he could probably make it behind the couch without either of them the wiser. From there, it was open floor, so he’d have to make a run for it. He tried to comfort himself with the fact that if he made it in his car, Grosse wouldn’t be able to catch him.

But the kappa had his keys, damn it.

He sighed. He’d just have to grab him on the way out and hope for the best.

~*~*~*~

Gojyo wasn’t really sure what had happened to be honest. One minute he was arguing with a GAYLORD cowboy who could have been straight off of Brokeback Mountain - or maybe it was Bareback Mountain, seemed more appropriate - and the next he was being dragged out the door, down the stairs, across the yard, and shoved into the passenger seat of Banri’s piece of shit.

Needless to say, he was a little disoriented. Which was probably why he didn’t argue when blondie told him to give him the keys. By the time he finally thought to protest the fact that the maniac was the one behind the wheel again, it was far too late.

Gulping, he fastened his seatbelt (what was left of it) and braced himself for impact. Because impact had to be coming, he had a huge ass bruise on his forehead to testify that. It was just a matter of where and when.

Thankfully, the police station wasn’t very far away, maybe a mile or so. Gojyo wondered if they had built it there just to be closer to Sanzo and Banri’s apartment, since they visited so often. It was a thought.

He knew blondie could go in on his own, and he didn’t really have the urge to see Banri in his birthday suit, but sitting alone in that vehicle just seemed to be asking for it to spontaneously combust. So, he bit his tongue, got out, and tried to follow Sanzo as unobtrusively as possible, despite the fact that he wasn’t really comfortable walking into a jail. He didn’t think any teenager that had had sex in as many public places as him would be.

He couldn’t say he was expecting the warm welcome they received. Well, Sanzo, not him, but still.

“Hey, long time no see kid! The usual?” A kinda scruffy looking cop held up a cup of coffee, giving Sanzo a wink before handing the cup over. Maybe Gojyo’s brain was short circuiting or something, but he was pretty sure cops weren’t supposed to offer people coffee, and people weren’t supposed to know them well enough to have usuals. This just kept getting more and more messed up.

“Thanks Shuei. Is he in the back cell?”

“As always. Here, take the keys, you can get him out yourself. The other inmates are all to scared of catching his gayness to pull anything.”

Sanzo gave a snort, before taking the offered keys and walking through a door to their right. Leaving Gojyo behind.

All alone.

In a room full of cops.

He could feel sweat breaking out on his forehead from the smirks he saw directed towards him. He didn’t like this. Oh no, not one bit.

“So…” the scruffy cop stood up, circling him in the same way he imagined a hungry vulture might. “I’m gonna take a guess and say you’re our Sanzo’s new ‘friend.’”

His mouth opened, letting out a rather high pitched and nervous laugh before he managed to clamp it shut. “Um, yeah. We’re friends all right! Best of friends, peas in a pod, compadres, practically inseparable! As friendly as two friends could possibly be!”

It didn’t really occur to him what exactly the cop had meant when he said “friend.”

“Is that right? Well then, you won’t mind if we ask you a few questions then, will you?” Suddenly there was a cop on either side of him, a beefy hand on each shoulder, and he was being forcibly steered into a chair, the scruffy cop leaning against a desk in front of him.

“After all, we don’t want are Sanzo hanging out with the wrong sort, now do we boys?”

There was a chorus of agreement from the room. Gojyo could have opened his big fat mouth and told them where they could shove that sentiment, considering Sanzo’s usual choice of companions was Banri of all people, but he wasn’t feeling quite that brave (or stupid) at the moment.

After all, they had him outnumbered. And some of them were pretty big, and ripped. And they had guns.

BIG guns.

So he chose life and managed to keep from shooting his mouth off. He settled for a terrified nod.

It was just his luck that blondie would have a department of policemen acting as overprotective parents, wouldn’t it?

He should have stayed in the car, spontaneous combustion or not.

~*~*~*~

Absentmindedly fiddling with the keys in his hand, Sanzo wondered whether he should have warned the idiot red-head about Shuei and the other cops. After all, he knew how protective the bunch could be (a freaking club of mother hens…), and what conclusions they would draw after seeing Sanzo walk into the station with another tall, attractive (much as he hated to admit it), fit male. Shuei had known about Sanzo’s preferences for ages, though how Sanzo had no clue, since Banri still hadn’t guessed. And naturally, if Shuei knew, the whole station knew.

So Sanzo was pretty sure they were all under the impression that Gojyo was his latest “boy toy.”

And he was equally as sure that they were spending their time alone interrogating him like a father would on his daughters first date.

However annoying it was to be treated like a female and to have assumptions made about his love life, he couldn’t help but feel amused at the poor red-heads predicament. It had been obvious enough coming into the station that the quarterback wasn’t comfortable in the first place, and adding this on as well…

He would never know what had hit him.

Sanzo did his best to hold back a gleeful chuckle. Schadenfreude at its finest.

His delight at the kappa’s suffering aside, he couldn’t help but raise an incredulous eyebrow as he approached what had been dubbed by all at the precinct as “Banri’s Cell.” Some cutesy jackass had even thought it would be funny to hang a sign next to the barred door stating just that sentiment. God, Banri and the cops here really needed a life. Preferably ones that didn’t overlap as often as the pitiful-excuses-for-things-that-Sanzo-wasn’t-going-to-refer-to-as-lives did now.

Stopping in front of the door, Sanzo groaned as he realized exactly what he’d forgotten on his mad dash out of his apartment that morning. A set of clothes. Because, obviously, Banri was still naked, as it were.

Growling low in his throat in displeasure, which just happened to catch Banri’s attention, the keys dangling limply from his fingers. He let his eyes roam to the other cowering occupants of the cell appraisingly, wondering if he could scare one into lending Banri his clothes for the day. Not likely, considering the defensive, homophobic state they were in at the moment.

Banri tended to have that effect on people, after all.

“And you wonder why I try not to leave you alone for over five minutes?” Sanzo began, his tone droll.

“Ah, he-ey, Sanzo, buddy… how’s it going?”

Sanzo’s eyes focused on the air directly above Banri’s irritating face. “How’s it going, he asks? How’s it going - as if he didn’t do exactly what he said he wasn’t going to do last night. Stranding me at the school stadium after dragging me to a game I didn’t want to go to. Forcing me to give his ‘buddy’ from the football game a ride and a roof for the night. Expecting me to spend the little money I have busting his pathetic excuse for an ass out of jail when I need it to pay this month’s rent. And he has the nerve to sit there, shamelessly naked, and ask me how it’s going. Now, the question is, does he really want to know how it‘s going?”

“Um… yeah?”

Sanzo sighed. Why the hell did he even bother?

~*~*~*~

Gojyo had never thought he would be grateful to see the blond bitch. But, as the situation stood, when that lovely, grumpy face came into view, he could hear the Halleluiah Chorus.

Anything to end the interrogation. He hadn’t even been drilled so hard the first time he had taken Hooran out for the night… and she had three older, overprotective brothers.

But these guys were cops, and had big sticks, bigger guns, and the innocent little flower they happened to be protecting was one of the two most feared guys at high school. Oh yeah, that just SCREAMED “delicate.”

But he was finally let up off that hard, probably made to be that uncomfortable chair, and he could have kissed the guy. However, before he did anything potentially embarrassing and/or suicidal, he caught sight of the person walking behind Sanzo. Mainly, one Banri.

Mainly, one Banri still but ass naked.

Throwing his hands over his eyes at the trauma, he promptly collapsed to the floor, writhing and screaming.

“AAGH! MY EYES! THEY BURN! I SHALL NEVER SEE AGAIN!”

“Well, you heard the cockroach. Someone find some clothes for this little dick lick, unless you all want me to take him to school like this?”

He heard the sound of about ten chairs being pushed back at once, and frantic footsteps moving all over the room. Looks like the cops were just as eager to cover up Banri’s assets as Gojyo when it came down to it. Though who could blame them for not really wanting THAT eyeful.

After all, it was BANRI.

Ew.

Gojyo refused to open his eyes until Banri was one hundred percent NOT-nude. Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long before something suitable was found.

Getting into the car, he did have the notion that going to school in a bright orange prison jumper was not going to help Banri dispel the nickname Jailbait.

~*~*~*~

Sanzo couldn’t help but sulk as he sat in the passenger seat, where he had been unceremoniously banished. Thanks to the cockroach swearing that his driving would get them all killed and Banri’s insistence to drive his own car. He had been outnumbered and outvoted, but that didn’t mean he was happy about it.

At least the kappa would get what he deserved when he had a taste of Banri’s driving. Sanzo was mild in comparison, but some lessons had to be learned the hard way, he supposed.

There was no way to get used to sudden death by frozen brakes though. Now that he thought about it, he should probably be thankful that Banri hadn’t gotten hauled into jail more than he already did, considering his long line of driving infractions…

He snorted, leaning his head back against the crappy headrest. This day was probably going to be just as crumby as the rest of the week had been, and same for tomorrow and the day after that.

Though it did make him feel better when he looked in the rearview mirror, catching sight of the football player in back. Mainly because of the uncomfortable glances he kept shooting at the blowup doll on the seat next to him.

His good mood lasted until Banri parked in the school parking lot, the brakes actually working for once. All Sanzo could see was the bright yellow bus parked up near the doors, reading HOUTO PRIVATE ACADEMY along the side.

How obnoxious. The private school brats were invading. Not that Sanzo had any personal vendetta against them or anything (not like the red head in back seemed to have against their quarterback, if rumors were to be believed), but he couldn’t stand any of them on principle alone. Had to do with them having more money than they knew what to do with while others could barely scrape by.

Others meaning him.

But whatever. He’d avoid them, they’d avoid him, they’d have a working relationship. One where they didn’t look at each other, talk to each other, or even acknowledge the others existence.

Man, was this day gonna suck some major ass. Still, for once the dreary rain cloud know as a day of education in Chang-An Public High School had a silver lining.

Gojyo owed him BIG.

And Sanzo knew exactly what he wanted. He managed to hold back an evil laugh.

Mostly.

~*~*~*~

Gojyo stared in horror at the huge, yellow, transportation vehicle driven by Satan himself.

What the hell were those rich, snobby, upper-class punk asses doing at HIS school? And why the hell hadn’t his brother warned him? Surely he must have known about something like this, since he hung out with Hotou’s little mascot, Kougaiji, himself.

But then again, his brother was a big enough jackass that, had he known, he probably wouldn’t have told Gojyo out of plain spite. Yeah, that sounded about right.

He just prayed to God that Cho wasn’t one of the snobs visiting. He didn’t want to get in trouble for punching him in the face the day after a game, after all. A crappy ass game that he had ended up losing in double overtime. Because if that Cho smirked at him even a little, well…

He would not be responsible for his actions. There was only so much a guy could be expected to take, after all. Their bitch of a principal could understand that, right?

Struggling to get his defective seatbelt unbuckled, he practically flew out of the car, ready to dash headlong into the suddenly not so gloomy looking school and put the two rejects behind him out of sight and out of mind. A few steps in to said mad dash however, he found the air practically torn from his aching throat as a cruel, unfeeling hand grabbed the back of his collar. In a wipeout of epic proportions, he found himself on his back in the school parking lot, ears ringing from a firm smack on the back of the head and lungs gasping for air.

When his vision finally decided to stop swimming, he found himself looking up into a sneering violet glare.

“You didn’t really think I’d let you run off without paying me back, did you? Oh no, no Sha Gojyo…” The blonde’s voice was almost a purr as he leaned over Gojyo’s shivering carcass. “You owe me. And I intend to call in your debt, here and now.”

Gojyo gulped, partially out of fear and partly from… no way in hell was he going to call it arousal! It’s just that a face that, er… fine! A face that gorgeous had no right purring at him while leaning down in such a suggestive manner when threatening him! It wasn’t right!

And the evil smile curling the lips wasn’t making him any less nervous either!

When he was fairly confident he wouldn’t slur, croak, or squeak he finally responded. “And… what exactly do I have to do to, ah, ‘repay this debt’ thingie?”

The blonde head finally leaned back, giving him some space to breath. Sitting up, he coughed a few times, nearly going into a fit when Banri took it upon his meddling self to pound his back. “Helping,” he called it. Yeah right. His attention wasn’t allowed to leave the blonde for long though.

“What I want you to do… is really quite simple, actually. You know Dr. Ni, correct?”

“Who doesn’t?” Gojyo replied uneasily. EVERYONE knew Dr. Ni, even if they didn’t have the weirdo’s class. He was one of the science teachers at Chang-An, and was definitely the most eccentric teacher in the entire school. The man could fill the role of mad scientist any day of the week.

And then there was that rabbit he carried around with him. A creepy little stuffed bunny that he dressed in a different little outfit each week, carried around with him everywhere, was constantly fiddling with, and even talked to occasionally.

Textbook definition of psycho, that one was. What Gojyo wanted to know was what the hell he had to do with anything.

“Then I’m going to assume you also know about his little companion then?”

“If you’re talking about that creepy-ass stuffed rabbit, I only see it every day in biology. Why?”

“Well, that’s what I want.”

“Pardon?”

“You heard me?”

“What are you…” Oh no. He couldn’t mean… that was just…

“I see from the look on your face that you understand me. But just to make myself one hundred percent clear… yes. To pay me back for giving you a ride to and from school, and for giving you a place to sleep overnight, I want you to steal Dr. Ni’s stuffed rabbit for me.”

“You’re insane!” Gojyo felt a hysterical laugh creeping up his throat at the utter wrongness of the situation. “I mean, seriously, INSANE! I’d have to be crazy to do something like that! To steal something that belonged to that freak! Are you trying to get me killed, is that it?”

He let himself fall back so he was laying on the ground once more, his gaze firmly fixed on the sky above him. “No. I won’t do it. Sorry, but find someone else to do your dirty work.”

“You assume I’m giving you a choice.” Red eyes shifted over, narrowing at the almost amused look on the bastard above him.

“What do you mean? I do have a choice, whether I owe you or not. And I’m saying NO.”

“Well then, I suppose I have no other option.” Gold strands of hair glinted as Sanzo shook his head, sighing in a fake morose manner. “But I wonder what the rest of the school will think, when they here that star quarterback Sha Gojyo spent the night in another guy’s bed, and that it was all his idea-”

“Fuck!” Gojyo practically snarled, sitting up. “Alright already! I get the point! It’s either risk… this, or total and abject humiliation. Got it, fine. You win!” He ran a hand down his face, sighing. “So, how long do I have to do this?”

The answer was prompt. “By the end of the day. If you don’t get an opportunity, I’ll consider giving you tomorrow as well. But after that...”

“Yeah, yeah, welcome to gay world, land of the lisps and fake leather, got it.” Gojyo finally forced himself to stand up, groaning as his back popped in several interesting ways. “So, any particular reason you want this bunny? Teacher fail you or something?”

“Oh, no, I’ve never actually had him.” The bitch answered easily, not even turning back as he started walking towards the school with Banri. “It just sounded like fun. For me, that is.”

…

Gojyo couldn’t even think of a word bad enough to express what exactly he thought of THAT.

~*~*~*~

Two hours and one slept through math period later, Sanzo and Banri found themselves in the computer lab. Technically they were in some gay ass course called graphic design or some shit, and were supposed to be making a fake pamphlet for something or another that was going to make up a quarter of their grade.

What they were actually trying to do was make an e-bay account, without much success, as it were.

“Okay, name… Banri the Bad Ass Mother Fucker! Oh, damn, too long…. Um, how about Banri the Magnificent! No, that just sounds gay… Banri the Awesome! Banri the Kick Ass! Banri the Gallant! Banri the-”

“Do you even know what ‘gallant’ means?”

“No, but it sounds tight, don’t you think?”

“Shut up and just type in your name like a normal, half-sane person.”

“Fine. Grouchy git. Now, what comes next….”

Sanzo shook his head, turning back to his own computer. He had run a search for grandfather clocks, trying to figure out how much the one Banri’s grandmother had given him might go for. He wasn’t having much luck, since you actually had to know some stuff about the clock before you could price it. Like, say, how old it was, who made it, what style it was made in, etc…

Oh, and it helped if the damn thing actually worked.

Sanzo sighed. Rubbing the bridge of his nose, he tried to ignore the angry cussing coming from his right, as apparently Banri was too much of a retard to even fill in his information to start an account right…

“God damn it… this computer is having sex with men!”

Sanzo choked, shooting Banri a narrow glance from the corner of one eye. “…You mean the computer’s being gay?”

“That’s what I said, isn’t it!?”

“Not exactly.”

“I believe I stated in an exceptionally clear manner that the computer was having sex with men.”

“That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s gay.”

“How do you figure?”

“Well, what if it’s a female computer?” Sanzo couldn’t believe he was actually arguing about this.

“Fine. This male computer is having sex with men.”

“Not good enough. Some straight guys have sex with men just because they’re curious.”

“This sexually unconfused male computer is having sex with men.”

“…But maybe he’s just drunk and topping whatever hole he can find at the time, and doesn’t realize that it’s male?”

“Alright, a bottom then. This sexually unconfused male computer is taking it up the ass from a man.”

“But what if he’s not willing? That sort of thing happens you kno-”

And finally Banri cracked.

“ALRIGHT ALREADY! THIS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SEXUALLY UNCONFUSED COMPUTER IS TAKING IT UP THE ASS FROM A MAN AND LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT! THERE, HAPPY!?”

Looking round at the shocked, horrified, and occasionally freaked out faces of his classmates and teacher as they stared at Banri, Sanzo only had one thing to say.

“It would have been easier just to call the computer gay.”

~*~*~*~

Somehow, Gojyo had managed to make it into his second period without running into either Sanzo, Banri, or Cho, so he was in a pretty good mood. Despite the fact that his second period was biology, with the insane Dr. Ni as the resident nutty professor.

His good mood lasted until a minute or two after role call, when he finally noticed.

The bunny was staring at him.

Oh, yeah, he could practically hear his brother’s voice in his head, saying something along the lines of “How the hell can the bunny stare at you? It’s not even alive! It’s eyes are made of black beads, for God’s sake, not even the white ones with the black dots inside. Stop being a paranoid little fag and pull your head out of your ass!”

…Even in his head his brother was a dick.

But it didn’t matter what the brother in his head said, because he could fucking tell the bunny was fucking staring at him!

One thought ran through Gojyo’s mind at that moment.

It knew.

He wasn’t sure how, or even if it was possible for an inanimate object to know anything in consideration of the fact that they didn’t have brains - but all that aside, somehow, the bunny had found out. It was in on the fact that Gojyo had to steal it at some point today, and it was mocking him with the knowledge. It’s beady eyes were piercing through his defenseless flesh, reading his every thought. It bloody fucking knew.

But still, he tried to ignore it. He joked with his football friends as usual, pretended to be quiet and listen when Dr. Ni got that creepy I’ll-fuck-with-your-innards look on his face. He even took the occasional note, if drawing breasts and Banri dying from the untimely lawn dart accident could be considered notes… But all the while he was aware of the black eyes on his back, never moving, never blinking.

And finally he couldn’t take it anymore.

Standing up, knocking his chair to the floor, he pointed a shaky finger at the stuffed animal. “STOP FUCKING STARING AT ME YOU PINK FLUFFY PLUSHY FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL!”

It was a slow process, but eventually reality did sink into Gojyo’s consciousness, making him aware of several things at once.

One: The bunny was in fact an inanimate object and had not been staring at him. His own feelings of panic and guilt were getting to him.

Two: He had just humiliated himself in front of the entire class, the entirety of which was staring at his still pointing form, mouths agape.

Third: Dr. Ni still had that creepy as hell smile on his face.

None of this boded well. He lowered his finger slowly, as if the pace would make the movement any less conspicuous. His hand found it’s way into his hair as he scratched the back of his head sheepishly, a large, nervous grin stealing across his face.

“Um… my bad?”

A minute or two later, he was slumping through the halls, one pink detention slip clutched in his fist.

This was all that bastard of a blonde’s fault.

~*~*~*~

Out of nowhere, Sanzo sneezed.

And he wasn’t just talking a normal little piffle of a sneeze (had he just thought the word piffle?), but the grand daddy of all sneezes, in which body liquids flew, the head was thrown forcibly forward, and the sound was a close cousin to that of a foghorn.

Yeah, Sanzo had one hell of a sneeze. Ignoring Banri’s less than helpful noises and disgust and dismay (as Sanzo had been pointed at him when the untimely sneeze had made its appearance), Sanzo took a discreet look around the classroom.

But, of course, there were no cats in sight, not that Sanzo had been expecting to see one. Still, he usually only sneezed when there were cats around… Whatever. He wasn’t going to think about it that much. He shrugged his shoulders and got on with life.

He stood up when he heard the lunch bell ring, fully intending to go kick the shit out of some punk and steal his lunch, when something grabbed his arm. Namely, Banri. Usually such an infraction of his personal space would have provoked a right hook upside the head, but since the little turd was still covered in his saliva, Sanzo let it go. Just this once though. Couldn’t have Banri thinking he was going soft.

Give the guy a place to sleep for the night, and he’ll bum off you for years to come. Sanzo had learned that lesson on limitations the hard way.

“What?”

“Sanzo, just had a killer idea. We need to ditch lunch to do it though.”

“Killer idea, you? Please, spare me. Besides, I’m fucking hungry.”

“Come on man, have I ever led you wrong before?”

“YES. Countless times.”

“Oh for the love of - listen, it’s a way to earn some quick cash so we don’t get booted to the curb when it’s time to pay the rent. Just go with it, okay?”

“…Seriously can’t wait till after lunch?”

“Seriously can’t wait till after lunch.”

“…Oh, fine. Let’s get out of here before somebody notices we’re missing.”

“Okay, but first, we need to make a quick stop at the drama department’s costume room…”

Sanzo did not want to know. He really didn’t want to fucking know.

~*~*~*~

And yet, there he was, immersed in a sea of fake fur and tacky sequins, watching Banri plow his way through box after box of lame, high-school quality costumes. Excuse him whilst he contained his overwhelming excitement and enthusiasm.

He still had no idea exactly what it was Banri was looking for, but had decided not to ask, for fear of becoming even more involved than he already was. He barely managed to duck in time as an Indian headdress flew past his face. But he didn’t comment.

Not even when Banri gave the Egyptian rack a look of speculation.

Not even when found a pair of really old underwear.

Not even when he picked out a floor length fur coat for himself. In leopard print.

When he held up a short, leather miniskirt in Sanzo’s direction, squinting as if trying to visualize, now THAT was where Sanzo drew the line.

“WHAT the hell are you even doing? And put that thing back where you found it!”

“Man, it’s all part of the ‘plan.’”

“Well the plan can go straight to hell if it involves that thing coming anywhere near me! What the fuck is the ‘plan’ anyway?”

“It’s quite simple really.” Banri stated in a matter-of-fact tone, sticking his head back in a box to look around some more. “I’m going to pimp you out.”

Sanzo was really lucky he was leaning against a wall for that little bomb, because otherwise he might have fallen from sheer shock.

“Excuse me?!”

“You heard. I am going to be your pimp, dress you up in a tiny, sexy little number, and shamelessly sell your body on a street corner somewhere.”

Sanzo didn’t have time to register the last part of the sentence before he had Banri held up against a wall, his hands buried in the collar of his t-shirt. Sanzo’s face was up close and personal, a furious snarl pulling up one side of his mouth.

“And what the hell gave you the idea that I would go along with this?!”

“Uh… the desire not to live in a cardboard box?”

Sanzo paused.

As much as he hated to admit it… Banri had a point. He let him down off the wall, his arms crossing across his chest as he gave the boxes a dark look. Pulling an exasperated hand down his face, he finally resigned himself to the fact.

He was seriously going to let himself be dressed up in a tiny, sexy number, and be pimped out by Banri on a street corner somewhere.

The things he did to avoid living in a box.

With one last sigh, he bowed his head before fate and the looming threat of homelessness with only a token protest.

“Just… no skirts.”

~*~*~*~

Gojyo just managed to slam himself behind the water fountain before Cho spotted him coming around the corner. Banged his head against the brick something awful, but it was worth it to avoid interaction with his mortal enemy.

Hiding couldn’t drown out his smug, cultured voice though, much to Gojyo’s disgust.

“…really, just so delighted for the opportunity to visit your school, Principal Bosatsu. It’s a real experience to see life from the other side, if you will.”

Little prick was talking to their principal, and actually using her last name. Lame much? Most people didn’t even use her proper first name, Kanzeon. Mostly they just called her Kannon…

But trust Cho to be a pansy and get all proper about it.

Kanzeon’s voice was droll and unimpressed when she answered though, which was a point in her favor as far as he was concerned. “So nice to hear. Really. Anyway, I was told that you finished all the planned activities on your schedule?”

“Why yes. I visited all the classrooms, but I didn’t find anything that really caught and kept my attention enough to linger…”

“Of course… well, in that case, I suppose you won’t mind helping me out a little, will you?”

“P-pardon?” Gojyo felt a slow grin stretch across his face. Losing the game yesterday? A huge blow to his pride. Dealing with blondie last night? Torture in and of itself. Having to steal Dr. Ni’s stuffed rabbit later today? Suicide at its most pathetic.

Watching his kick-ass principal pull one over on Cho Hakkai? Priceless.

Something’s money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s karma.

“You heard me rich boy. Here you are.”

“But I really think that-”

“-You should make yourself useful as long as you insist upon taking up my time and space? How considerate of you. Now, here’s what I need you to do; take those files down to the drama teacher’s room, Mr. Zakuro, in case you’re wondering. After that, I’ll need you to go to the costume room and find the box labeled ‘Medieval Costumes’ and bring them down to me at the office, we’re loaning them to the children’s theatre downtown. After that, I’ll give you your next assignment, alright?”

“B-b-but…”

“Really darling, so nice of you to help. I’ll see you in a few minutes!”

Gojyo listened, practically in ecstasy, as Cho stuttered for a few more minutes, obviously not sure what had just happened. He left soon enough though, allowing Gojyo to come out from behind the fountain and begin his dreary trudge back to Dr. Ni’s room.

Suddenly detention didn’t look quite so gloomy.

After all, wasn’t like it was manual labor. He bit back a chuckle at Cho’s expense.

~*~*~*~

“Dude, you are not going to believe this.”

Sanzo shot Banri an annoyed glance for distracting him from his accessorizing. He had finally found an outfit that wouldn’t be completely mortifying to wear, and was just adding on the finishing touches, when he had to go and open his loud mouth. Couldn’t he see Sanzo was concentrating?

He didn’t want to think about how gay he was acting…

Grudgingly he stood up from his crouch, making his way over to where Banri was… leaning over a toy chest?

“What is that?”

“Sanzo, I think I just found where that science teacher gets all his outfits for that bunny of his.”

Intrigued despite himself, Sanzo leaned over to get a better look at the contents of the chest. And immediately wished he hadn’t.

“That’s… more than a little creepy.” He said, staring down at the stacks upon stacks of doll clothes, most of it pink, frilly, and vomit-worthy. Oh yeah, this was definitely worthy of Ni.

“Creepy, obsessive, perverted… take your pick.” Banri said below him. Then, he did a very stupid thing. He started looking through the clothes. Sanzo watched in mute horror as the perfectly pressed and stacked material was strewn on the floor around the chest, wrinkled and wadded, at the mercy of Banri’s grubby fingers.

“Are you mental?! Ni’s gonna freak when he sees this!”

“Like he’s gonna freak when Gojyo actually steals his bunny?”

“Erk, well, that’s… what I mean to say is…”

“Oh, cut the crap. You just did it so Gojyo would get in trouble.”

“…Your point?”

“Didn’t have one. Think it’s funny as hell. Besides, there’s no way for Ni to know that it was us.”

“First of all, not us, you. Second, I wouldn’t put it past the guy to do DNA testing if the stories are true…”

“That’s right, you’ve never been in his class, have you?”

“Nope. So tell me, how bad is he?”

“Hey, I actually like the guy.”

“Somehow… that doesn’t make me feel better. Not at all.”

“Oh, get stuffed.”

Sanzo’s mouth was open, ready and waiting to tell Banri exactly what he was going to get stuffed with if his little scheme worked out, when he froze. Grabbing Banri’s shoulder to get him still for a second, he strained his ears.

And heard the distinct sound of footsteps heading towards the door.

With a muffled curse, he dragged Banri back away from the wreckage he had made of the entire room, shoving him behind a clothes rack before joining him. Personally, he was not in the mood to be caught red-handed and shipped off to detention any time soon.

Or killed by that freak of a science teacher.

He held his breath as the door opened, feeling Banri shift a little next to him. He elbowed him in the gut, not enough to hurt, but to get the point across. It would suck if Banri gave them away by yelling or moving too much.

He didn’t hear the startled exclamation he was expecting at the sad state of the dressing room, only some angry sounding muttering.

“Why yes, of course I’d be happy to help you principal Bosatsu! Yeah, help you off a cliff… Crappy school, can’t even keep their costumes straight… honestly, what a mess! - Who just leaves clothes out like this… where is that fucking box?”

Leaning forward slightly, Sanzo was able to peer through a crack in the multitude of fabric before him enough to see their untimely visitor approach the trunk holding the doll clothes.

He was also able to see the shadow that fell across the door, suspiciously scruffy and lab coat shaped.

Oh shit.

Sanzo’s eyes went wide as he watched Dr. Ni walk through the door, talking to his stuffed bunny about the outfit they were gonna dress him up in today. He was therefore witness to Ni’s reaction as he noticed the mess made of the costume room. A mess that partially consisted of the very doll clothes he had been about to dress his rabbit up in.

And he watched as Dr. Ni took in who he now identified as one Cho Hakkai standing in the middle of the mess. Obviously guilty.

“DETENTION. OFFICE. NOW.” The Dr. said lowly, the tone much more dangerous than it would have been had he been screaming. For once, the Dr. wasn’t smiling. Needless to say, in the face of such rage, Cho didn’t even bother to argue before booking it out the door.

Dr. Ni stared at the mess for a few minutes, his face absolutely blank, before his eyes performed a quick search of the entire dressing room. Sanzo’s heart nearly stopped when those eyes alighted on where he and Banri were hiding, seeming to linger for a moment before moving on. He couldn’t begin to describe his relief when the man finally left, thanking whoever was up there that Banri hadn’t given them away.

They wasted no time in getting out of their hiding place and gathering their ‘borrowed’ stuff, running out of the room and the school at a full sprint. As far as Sanzo was concerned, he could change in the car, never mind how difficult that would be with Banri driving. All he wanted was to put as much room between him and that… madman as possible.

He did enjoy life after all. Well… most of the time.

…Okay, sometimes.

…So maybe he didn’t enjoy life so much.

Didn’t mean he wanted to lose it.

Especially not to a freak whose best friend was a stuffed bunny.

~*~*~*~

Gojyo couldn’t believe how rotten his luck was, sometimes. As if it weren’t enough that he had detention, a detention that was his best chance to steal a certain stuffed rabbit for a certain pissy blonde, with said rabbits owner being a crazy science teacher that was rumored to use students in some of his creepy experiments.

Let it be said, Sha Gojyo was way to hot to be anybody’s experiment.

But, anyway; as if that weren’t enough, said teacher walks in to their detention, LATE, and who follows him in but the biggest anti-Gojyo advocate in the entire world?

That’s right, Cho Hakkai was apparently serving detention with him this fine afternoon. He would attempt to restrain his jumps of joy.

…

Well, so far so good.

But dear God, was he bored. Ni wasn’t even making them do lines, or clean, or anything at all. He was just watching them sit there as he whispered quietly to his bunny, eyes on the students at all times.

Frankly, it had been some scary shit at first, as Gojyo imagined the kinds of things he was talking to his bunny about. Namely, ways to draw out Gojyo’s death in the longest and most inventive ways that mind could come up with. It was a chilling thought.

Especially since his rage now would be nothing compared to when he found his bunny had been stolen.

And Gojyo still had no idea how he was going to pull that little stunt off either.

But someone up there must have like him at least a little, because heaven smiled down upon Gojyo a minute later. Heaven smiling down happened to come in the form of a phone call.

Ni finally stopped muttering and answered the phone, listening for a minute before giving an affirmative grunt. Placing the phone back on its cradle, the teacher set the bunny down on his desk. He stretched as he got up, before addressing the two students.

“Okay, the principal needs me down in the office stat to help her out with some mix up over chemical orders. You two are going to stay here and continue your detention. And I swear, you take one step out that door, and your grandchildren will regret it.” Finished with his words of encouragement, the man swept out of the room, lab coat flapping behind him.

Leaving his rabbit behind.

Gojyo saw his chance, and he took it. He was out of his seat and at the desk in front in record time, hand reached out to claim the small plushy. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that Cho was in the room as well. At least, he forgot until the prick spoke up, right before his hand came in contact with the rabbit’s fur.

“Just what are you doing, exactly?”

“None of your business, that’s what!” Gojyo snapped, grabbing the rabbit by the head and holding it away from his body. Hey, he didn’t know where it had been…

“That’s funny, because if you’re taking that rabbit, I would say that it is very much my business!” Cho stated, getting up and making his way toward Gojyo, eyes narrowed. Gojyo took a step back before catching himself and standing his ground.

“Why don’t you just keep your nose out of it, fucker!”

“Not a chance. I’ve already gotten in trouble once today because somebody else was a complete moron, and I’m not going to let it happen again!”

“Good for you, mama’s boy! Too bad there’s nothing you can do about it!” Gojyo sneered, waving the bunny in front of the brunettes face.

“I beg to differ.” With that, Cho reached up, firmly latching onto one of the stuffed rabbit’s feet.

“Fuck!” Gojyo tugged and yanked, trying to get the animal back. “Let go!”

“Not a chance.” Cho pulled back.

Soon Gojyo found himself in the midst of a rather consuming tug-a-war with his most hated rival, only instead of a rope, they had a stuffed bunny. A bunny that Gojyo fucking needed, if only the little pansy would mind his own business!

Absorbed in their competition, the boys didn’t notice when footsteps trailed back down the hall, only aware of the teacher’s return when the man stepped through the door.

“Well, that’s taken care of, and I hope you boys listened to m- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

As fate would have it, the rabbit chose that moment to tear in half, sending both boys tumbling to the floor, stuffing flying through the air and drifting towards the ground.

Lying there, is little bits of white fluff and rabbit ruins, all Gojyo could do was look across the battlefield into the face of Cho Hakkai, the expression on his face remarkably similar to the one Gojyo was sure he was sporting.

Oh shit.

Ironic that it was now, when they were about to die, that they found something to agree on.

~*~*~*~

Sanzo shifted, wincing at the squeak of the tight leather pants he was wearing, uncomfortable and grumpy. This had to be Banri’s stupidest idea ever, and yet here he was, going along with it as usual.

It brought to mind the question of who was the bigger idiot. The idiot, or the idiot who followed the idiot.

He didn’t want to know the answer to that.

But there was no use crying over it now; he had agreed to this scheme, and would admit to being desperate enough to sleep with a stranger for some cash. He had to pay the rent, after all, though he did take a moment to wonder why it couldn’t be Banri’s ass they were selling for a few bucks.

One quick glance over at Banri’s smug little mug answered that question quickly enough.

Sanzo shook his head, trying to find a comfortable position. Between the leather pants, high heeled boots, and small snakeskin vest he was wearing, he knew he looked cheap. But, as Banri said, a ‘good, sexy kind of cheap.’ As if that was any better.

Sanzo took a little bit of comfort in telling himself that prostitution was nothing more than sex that satisfied both party’s needs.

Didn’t mean he had to like it though.

He swallowed hard as a car approached, slowing down the closer it got to their corner.

Closing his eyes, he made a mantra in his head. Please don’t let them be old. Please don’t let them be fat. Please don’t let them be ugly. Please don’t let them be old. Please don’t let them be fat. Please don’t let the-

“I’m really hoping this isn’t what it looks like, you two.” A familiar voice spoke, interrupting his cycle of thought. Opening his eyes, he looked through the rolled down car window to see the familiar face of Shuei.

Only, for once, the man wasn’t smiling.

Busted.

~*~*~*~

A/N: Hey everybody. Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out... (for-fucking-ever, yes, I know) I've had a lot going on, moving into my college dorm and everything, so I haven't had time to do much typing. I know, lame excuse, but there you go. Honestly, I was going to put this on hold for a while, but I got this REALLY nice e-mail from Koroe-chan asking me to continue the story, and what could I do? I was totally sent on a guilt trip to hell.

Anyway, I got started the day after I got the message, which was actually weeks ago. Unfortunately, it had been so long since I had done anything for this story, typing it was rather similar to smashing my head against a brick wall. It was a painful and agonizing pastime that went very slowly with little getting done. But I'm finally finished, and actually feel a lot better. Whew. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, since the plot actually starts to pick up a bit. And yes, there is a main plot, even if I haven't quite gotten to it...

Oh, and, as always, REVIEWS ARE MY LIFE'S BLOOD AND MY ONLY REASON FOR LIVING - but are not demanded. Thank you.