This is the life

It was cold. Matt leaned against a wall lighting another cigarette. Terribly nervous and feared he felt. But the only thing he could think of was that it was his own fault. He had wanted to show them all he could perfectly go on by himself. Like Mello. He had wanted to show he didn’t need Wammy’s support, he could be alone. But he had failed. Miserably.
And now he was standing there and now he urgently needed money, because otherwise he would come to withdrawal. He himself was to blame, not anybody else. It hadn’t been that nobody told him of the danger of taking drugs. About addiction. About everything. And yet he had tasted the stuff, right after he realized he wouldn’t find Mello. Now he was addicted. One time he had tried to withdraw. He had began to tremble, felt terribly cold and finally it had been one of the most difficult things to get his syringe into his arm.
And now he stood there and knew if he couldn’t get something in the next few hours, he’d be on withdrawal again. The difference was that this time he wouldn’t be able to do anything against it.
If he’d had a computer he would have hacked somewhere to get money, but the only things he took from Wammy’s was his vest, his googles, a set of clothes and not too much money, which he had spent yet- but nothing very useful in his situation.
It was then when he realized he had to go on.

Just in this moment a car stopped in front of him.
Matt gulped and went to speak to the driver who just had let the window down.
“Never seen ya here.”, the driver said.
Matt’s head lowered. “I… I’ve never done this…before.”
The man shook his head. “Never on the line or at all?”
“Both-“
He grinned. “I noticed when you got into my car you didn’t follow the simplest rule: Get your money first. But I like you. If you really are a virgin, I’ll pay you double. But if I come to notice you tried on me, I…”
“I am a virgin…”, Matt said.
“If I enjoy my ride, you can come to me whenever you need something.”
Matt closed his eyes, he did not listen. All of this led to the fact that he was more aware of what he was going to do than he wanted. He just wanted to get it over him and dive into the world of veils.
He didn’t want to care anymore.
Finally the car stopped and they got out, Matt following the man into his house.

Three hours later:
Matt was sitting on a corner of the roadside and cried.
The reason was not so much the pain- although he was tortured by enough of it, that wasn’t the reason, that he had received a pain he never had been able to imagine, but more because now- at this very moment- he knew how deep he had sunk.
With his fist he crumbled the money, the man had given to him. It was enough to survive on the next days. Maybe to clean his clothes. But it wouldn’t last forever. Sooner or later he had to sell his body again. But it didn’t matter.
Matt knew he had to get up, if he came to withdrawal without reaching a dealer first, they’d raise their stuff to a price four or five times higher than normal.
Finally he could make himself to go the station.
He was in pain during the walk- but again, he was the only one he could blame. Nobody had forced him to sell his virginity to some man on the street. He hadn’t deserved anything better.
He wasn’t worth more than the dirt on the ground, he could tell himself.
Again a thought of Mello crushed into his head. He didn’t even know how to face Mello now in this state. But he had to remember how it had been, together with Mello.
Matt had been the only person Mello had ever been friendly too. He alone had given him the feeling of being worth something, but now, without Mello, he was a piece of dirt. Nothing more than the ashes from his many, many cigarettes.
Thinking of the moment, Mello had kissed him the first time Matt had tears in the eyes.
He should have had his first time with him, with Mello, not with some stranger.
“Mello… Why did you abandon me? Was I so annoying?”

The idea quickly left his mind after he had found his dealer and bought enough to be totally wasted for the next three days without break. Everything disappeared in the veils of apathy he came to when he got the heroine into his vain on some station toilet. Slowly he sank down the wall and dozed away.