Cubus white

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I woke up on something very soft and warm. And I had the strength to open my eyes, even to sit up, which left me speechless. There were walls around me, I was in a room. Something touched my skin and I jerked and threw my head around.
The devil was sitting next to me, smiling.

“Finally!” he sung, “Oh am I glad, I thought I had made a mistake…”

“Wha…what?”

He leaned forward and caressed my cheek. I had flinched when Gojyo had tried to do that for the first time but I didn’t see any danger in his touch. As I heard a funny sound, something between coughing and throwing up, I looked down and found the cat lying on my thighs. That must have been the reason for not feeling any pain coming from my feet because my legs had gone dead. Due to the lovely kitty which seemed to love lying on some part of my body.

“Dear, would you like to have some coffee? You look so pale, I hope it will fade soon…”

I didn’t know shit about what had happened to me. How I had come to lie on his bed again and why I was there at all. But those questions just came up in bits, I needed ten minutes to arrive at consciously living again. In the meantime he had left the room and had already come back with two cups in his hands.

“He seems to like you so much,” he said in a dreamy voice.

I didn’t know whether it was my dizziness or whether it was a fact, but he seemed different. His looks, his way of talking and other rather invisible things, feelings, like him suddenly showing a lot of respect, treating me like the human being I was and not like an animal and dirt, or the nature of his touch…it seemed different.
Some hours or days ago, whatever, I had thought I’d run straight back into hell but that didn’t look like hell anymore. The cat being there, lying on me as always, the devil which had turned into some kind of angel, and Can Wakan, the man which seemed to carry the knowledge of the whole mankind in his mind.

“Milk?”

“What?”

“Milk?”

I turned my head to look at him and found him delighted at my momentary dumb- and dazedness. He smiled at me again, but this time I realized that there was no falseness behind it anymore.

“What happened?”

A steady look hit me, and I decided to cast my eyes down and sip my coffee. Sans milk.

“Nothing. I found you and took you home.”

It felt right. It just felt right and I was severely amazed at that.

“Mh”

Moments later I found his hand on my cheek again, gently stroking it.

“I’m glad you returned…”

I caught myself breathing in for saying ‘Me too’, but I suppressed it. That was one thing which didn’t feel right. Or maybe just not yet.

“Would you mind dressing up for me?”

“When will they arrive?”

It also worried me that I had asked that with such a naturalness, like I had always been living there and like I had never left. But he didn’t give me much time to think about that.

“Oh, no one will come…”

“What?”

I put the cup down and silently asked him what he was implying with that, although it was so easy to tell. He got up and sat down on the bed beside me and took my face into his hands again.

“For me. Only for me.”

That made me smile. Straight into his face. Gods damn me, had I ever smiled into Gojyo’s face? Had he ever said something like that to me? But my smile also made him smile, the most honest and happy one I had ever seen, coming from a man.

“Oh dear, it’s lovely to see you smiling like this…”


_______________

“Hey…”

…

“Hey…”

He didn’t respond. Neither in movement nor in words. When he touched him he’d shove his hand away and when he looked him in the eyes he’d look away.

“I’ve lost him.”

It was silent then, he didn’t know what to do now and how to help himself. For days he had already been feeling that helpless, he had secluded himself without a word and refused to listen to anyone.


________________

They made me sit down on the chair in front of the mirror to paint my face.
It felt like they had done it just yesterday for the last time. It felt so familiar and I knew what they’d do now, I knew about every move, every colour they would use.

As they told me to open my mouth to be able to put on the lipstick I smiled and opened my eyes because I knew they’d be done soon after that.
And I closed my mouth, they drew a red line from my lips up to my nose and cursed. But I didn’t hear them. What I saw in the mirror had made me go deaf and numb.
My violet…had faded. There was only a shiny yellow mass with a black point looking at myself. Just yellow without the faintest touch of violet anymore.

I attempted to jump from the chair but they held me down, smacking me for rebelling like that. But the yellow still didn’t fade. After another moment of staring at myself I lifted my arm to rub my eyes but they kept me from that. Not good for the make-up, they said. So I finally gasped a ‘what…’ and tried to breathe steadily again. Panic spread in my mind, it paralyzed me. I went totally rigid.
So they finished the masquerade.


___________________________

As I finally was standing in front of him, dressed up as the doll he wanted me to be, and as I watched his expression changing, him getting up and with a smirk coming closer, I took one step back. No one had told me to do that, backing away from him; it hadn’t been him nor anyone else telling me to do so, although I knew I wasn’t allowed to decide on my own under this roof.
He stopped, he would only have had to take one more step to reach me, but he stopped and eyed me warily. I turned my head away and stared at the floor and my high heels.
Gojyo had never made me wear things like these.

With a frightened gaze I looked up to check what he was doing, whether he was reaching out to hit me or rather stroke me, but he wasn’t doing anything. All of a sudden the blouse felt like it was made of itchy wool instead of silk. The skirt felt like a huge iron bell dragging me down, the gloves felt like ice, cold and making me unable to move my fingers. I felt like standing on stilts when not having learnt how to balance myself on them before.

Gods…what a fool. What had made me leave home for a second time. That creature in front of me…?
Gojyo would spit on me; I had just left him when he had fought for me and risked his death. Where should I go…he should have left me behind in the woords, he shouldn’t have taken me with him and taken care of me, I should have died in the woods.
I swallowed hard and gulped back the tears. I had destroyed it, set my home on fire to have nothing to return to, to wander around restlessly and forever. Eventually die someday. Alone.

I felt his hand cupping my chin, his thumb softly brushing over my cheek. And I felt so disgusted. Sudden panic made me gasp and swiftly turn around, but I failed, those shoes weren’t made for swift moves at all. So I turned and sprained my ankle. A terrible cracking sound, and I fell down. As my head hit the floor I was already screaming with pain, those platforms were the most extreme I had ever worn, so also I fell pretty hard.
The devil immediately knelt down next to me and rummaged through the pile of limbs to get to grip the hurt ankle, but I did my best to keep it to myself. Of course he was stronger right then, and finally pulled on the leg. I had to give in.

Some terribly painful touches and shoves, and he stated that it was bad. It could have been worse, but it was bad.
My dear friend’s name was called yet again, and he was advised to bring him some bandages and whatever. I knew I’d never be able to leave that house on my own again. Gojyo had taken me with him the last time. This time he certainly wouldn’t come. I had just left him like all whores must have done when the night was over and they knew where they could go to then again. I was just another one of those. With blond hair and violet eyes, and a character as tainted and twisted as theirs.

I turned away from him as he tried to look at my face because I couldn’t hold back anymore. Endless…blinding…benumbing desperation. I doubted that the cat would understand me if I told it to tear out my heart with its teeth.
Can Wakan arrived, carrying a small box with him. No surprised gazes, no changes in his aura. It was just handed over and he finally bent down to take a look at me too. He glared at me so that I asked myself what I may have done wrong…but then I remembered that that was just his way.

“You know,” he said, slowly and with that deep voice, “That these bandages won’t help. Not in the slightest.”

The devil’s head jerked upwards and he hissed at him.

“I have never asked you about your opinion, have I?!”

The man pressed his lips together, glanced at the floor, then turned to leave. In the meantime he had already wound something around my ankle. It still hurt as hell, the bandages didn’t help indeed. In no way.
As I felt warm soft flesh rubbing against my bared crotch my eyes went wide in a fraction of a second and I jerked away, being shocked at that painfully quick change between care and lust.
He only smiled at me and reached for it again, but I backed away, moving backwards until my back hit the door. I knew I couldn’t get up to run away and he knew I couldn’t get up to run away. It was an invisible cage, with bars made of malice, twisted lust and the sick desire to dominate.

He moved closer, with every inch my fear and agitation grew. Although it was the wrong kind of fear it pushed my buttons though, and had he reached out for it again he’d have found a hard piece of flesh between his fingers.
So I tried to pull the skirt over my embarrassing erection to hide it from his eyes, but he had caught a glimpse of it before the fabric had slid over it. I looked away to not stare into those sneering eyes then. That was the moment he must have waited for, because the next second I jerked and moaned in such a loud and embarrassing way that I had to close my eyes and turn my head to the left as much as possible to not be forced to look at him in any way anymore.

Despite my poor effort to shove his hand away, he kept masturbating me, tearing moans I didn’t intend to articulate at all from me, making my body tremble and the tears well from my eyes. And while he was pumping there so happily he reached for the seam of his robes and pulled it away, on purpose, to make me stare at his cock.
His gross, cleft cock.

It made me catch my breath and panic. The tip of it was split into two, that soft, tender flesh forming two halves which, if one pressed them together, formed a perfectly pretty tip.
I stared at it, feeling walls inside bursting and my soul convulsing with terror. As I managed to cast up ym eyes and look at him I found him smiling, amused at my response obviously. And there was something else in his eyes.
Pride.

When I got aware of the necessity of breathing again I gasped and almost choked. It meant pure terror for me to have him exposing his disfigured dick to me in that way…and so close to me… I knew I was weak and helpless. He could have just bent down and put it in my mouth. And I could not have defended myself at all.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it,” he said in a dreamy voice. “It was a very spiritual ceremony. I was seeking for knowledge, for that secret magic hidden in this life…and it made me realize.”

I moaned and felt my stomach twisting. That self-absorbed talk together with that thing still in front of my eyes was pure horror.
As he put his finger on one of the tips and rubbed it and even snorted in deepest bliss while closing his eyes I felt a tear trickling down my cheek.
I had not felt like crying. This immense pile of emotions and impressions inside my soul had become too large; I could not bear it anymore. It urged outside, the space inside too small for that immense load of negative feelings. And it left me in tears.

Suddenly, he moved closer. Panic paralyzed me, I meant to die right then. If he touched me with that thing I’d die.
But he just reached for me to pet my cheek.
Which was about as bad.
Imagining touching his cock and me with the same hand finally made me feel too sick than to hold back anymore, and I gagged. As he even came closer, wiggling his dick in such a horrifying way to tease me even more I lost control of myself.

With a mix of a scream and a gagging sound I pushed his hand away and curled up, pressing my flank against the door and my head between my shoulders to avoid any eye-contact. He had disappeared from my vision, but the nausea hadn’t left me, the image of him posing there like that still tortured my mind. Then in my deep despair, my mind trailed off to the room where Gojyo was.
A warm bed, warm, smooth skin, silk spread over the whole bed. I had been close to an orgasm, a forced orgasm, but my cock had practically gone limp in a moment after he had let go of it.

I cried as loudly as I could, my throat hurt already, but I sobbed on, screaming away my situation and hopelessness, screaming for the warm bed and red.
After some time I felt the door hitting my side. Then once again in the same way.

“Make way”
I heard a monotonous voice cutting the silence apart, and the door hit my body again, but I couldn’t move. After the fourth time I was just shoved aside and he left.
I was alone again.

So alone. I had thrown my body away myself. I had walked to the cliffs to jump from them to get rid of the rubbish. I had stripped everything from me I just could remove. But I was not happy.
I had refused everything which had been offered to me.

Under pain I managed to get up on my intact leg and attempted to hobbled to the desk to get me his nacred letter opener.


At the same time, somewhere else, about on the other side of the wood, someone had gone downstairs and asked the barkeeper for a knife to carve a little sculpture.
Back in his room he threw the piece of wood away and sat down on the window sill, gripping the knife.


No one knew about it. No one except two people would ever know about it. No one would care, no one would speak the words which would have been necessary. No one would console anyone.
No one would cry, except two people.


__________________

As I saw the small knive there on a pile of sheets I got aware that I was still wearing those shitty clothes. By no means I wanted to die in that filthy drag of his, so I started undressing there.
Right when I was done and only the skirt was left, someone entered the room. I looked up in annoyance and fear. The devil had incarnated again. But his eyes wore a sad expression and he looked tired.

My eyes slid down his body and I finally noticed some clothes in his left hand. Familiar. Black.
He took some steps and sat down on the bed where he also put down the clothes.

“I’d have to cut your tongue out…put your eyes out…and keep you tied up forever. I don’t want you to resist me. But you will, whatever I do. Go. Leave me.”

For the first moment I could not quite think and put the words together and add some meaning. But when he told me for the second time to leave I just limped to the bed and took my clothes. All of a sudden I found myself lying on the bed; he had pushed me down. And he was already dressing me when I could look at him again.
It took him some minutes to dress me in the way I was used to, then he dragged me up and sent me out of the room. And I obeyed, for the last time.

As I stood there in front of the castle I just realized what had happened.
I was outlawed.
And homeless.
Lonely…the cat hadn’t followed me this time.

I had left him and the other had left me.
I had no home to return to, no one to ask for mercy, no one to ask for some soothing touch or a mug of hot chocolate.
I had left love, then love had left me.

I didn’t know where to go.
And anyway, I did not know how to walk at all with that sprained ankle. If some Youkai had attacked me at that time I’d have been easy prey to them. No gun, too weak than to call on the scripture, no friends…at all.
After these facts had successfully discouraged me again, I started walking, and just stopped when I couldn’t see the castle anymore. I sat down, leaned against a tree and closed my eyes to wait for death, despite the yellow in my eyes. Death. Or something.

___________________


“You can’t do that”

“What”

“That”

“What?”

Hakkai had lost his patience and now hit Gojyo’s hand so that the knife fell down on the floor.

“THAT!!!” he screamed in rage.

Gojyo looked at him. A tired, exhausted and lifeless look. The anger in Hakkai’s eyes faded and he sat down next to him to take his hand. But he pulled his away and clenched his teeth.

“Can’t you…”

“NO, certainly not.”

“I mean…what…what does he find so appealing, I mean he…you have seen him, haven’t you? That’s not Sanzo…crawling around on the floor, licking boots…”

“Whether it is him or not…you cannot really tell him what is right or wrong for him.”

“And you think this’ gonna get me happy again?”

“No,” Hakkai smiled in embarrassment while already thinking of something happy though, “This is not going to get you happy.”

Silence.

“I can’t go to look for him, can I”

Hakkai clenched his teeth in unease and looked away to not suffer so terribly from that sight. In his whole life he had never seen him so beaten and crushed. Not when he had stated he’d leave him after thanking him for taking care of him until that wound had healed, not when they had taken the scripture and forced him into that coma. As he thought about that, he was surprised, feeling anger rising in him.
He turned his head to look at Gojyo who was drawing figures on the glass of the window, and decided to finally get out of his pathetic role of the eternally passive fellow sufferer who’d never say something actually.

He did not quite know how to start, but he knew it was about time to start.
So if words would not serve him this time, then it would need to be actions. He took a handful of Gojyo’s top and pulled on it so that the man was forced to get up, if he didn’t want to fall down on the floor.

“Hakkai!”

Hakkai turned around, with grim determination he started walking, dragging Gojyo along towards the corridor.

“I’m tired of it.”

Gojyo was still pulled across the corridor, now down the stairs and outside.

“Tired...of what?!”

“Tired of watching,” came the answer, hissed.

Only one look was enough to get the dragon to change it’s form, a vivid flash of lightning at which Gojyo cried out in pain, and Hakkai already pulled him into the jeep.
Gojyo needed some time to rather get his ass instead of his head to sit on the seat, but then he glared at Hakkai, cursing him for forcing him to leave that comfortable hazy state of musing and dreaming. As he realized that Hakkai wouldn’t look at him, he leaned back, crossed his arms and angrily kept staring at the road in front of them.

It was silent for quite a while, only the noise of the engine was heard until Gojyo couldn’t hold back any longer.

“AND WHERE DO YOU THINK WE ARE GOING TO?!!!”

It had been much too loud.
Hakkai glanced at him, then concentrated on driving again.

“Where the roads lead us to.”

And that had been much too low.
But Gojyo caught it, nevertheless. He knew thet he was not a wizard, nor any man with magic abilities so that he could make him appear there now. And though, he was sure he’d find Sanzo, if he wanted to find him. So he swallowed his anger and excitement down and leaned back again, watching the landscape flowing past.
What would await him and what he would do once he saw his honey again wasn’t something he didn’t know yet. But he was eager to get to that point and then let things just happen.
Once more.


________________

My eyes hurt. I had kept them closed but they hurt, it felt weird, like there was something which didn’t belong there. Annoyed at more additional and unnecessary pain I lifted my hand to rub my eyes, but that just made it worse. I hissed when it felt it like a bee stinging my eyelid, but I kept rubbing to get rid of it.

And there it was.
A small piece of transparent yellow coloured glass…or plastic. It had fallen down on my thigh and I could easily make it out there because it was a clear contrast to the black leather. I took it in my hand and eyed it in the dim light of the sundown.
A contact lense.

A trivial, vulgar yellow contact lense. Something inside me rose all of a sudden and I set up a piercing scream, cleaning the insides of myself from the filth and shit of the past days and events. It had all been a fake. Tears welled up in my eyes, indescribable und untamable anger let my veins burst, it was hot release. I reached out and threw it away. Then, finally, tried to get the other one out too, and after some fumbling and more pain it was also lying on my palm.
I took that one and put it into the pocket of my pants. For as long as I still lived I shouldn’t forget these days. Also if it was just minutes until my bodily breakdown I would fill these minutes with nothing but red.
What I had refused and denied to accept.

The world grew dark. And cold.


________________

It was a very agreeable softness. Everywhere. I was lying in cotton wool castles…everywhere. It felt so good that it even drew a smile from me. A faint one because I was too tired and exhausted than to move much. Anything.
Though, that feeling made me rub my head against the soft, fluffy mass and a high-pitched squeak was in the air for a moment. It had been me, my numb inside so blissfully happy…which didn’t leave me unimpressed.
Happiness and bliss flooded my body like the sadness had before, I was having a fantastic trip…to unknown heights.

I felt the corners of my mouth curling up into a full smile. It would have been an offence to stay so calm and cold at these feelings.

My breath caught and I went rigid. It hurt terribly to tense up all those muscles but I was terrified. That familiar smell.
A breeze had carried the scent along. I opened my eyes and gazed into whiteness. My eyes still stung terribly, but I needed to open them now. As I turned my head a bit I could see things materializing, my blurry vision getting clearer, allowing me to see light and dark…contrasts…shapes…noises…

Red appeard in front of me and I jerked backwards. That was not nearly close to death, that was purest life. I sighed, felt my ribcage hurting from moving it too much, and quickly and lay down again. Nothing could be worse than I had had it already.
I was so tired of the constant change of location…change of people…characters…love…sadness and happiness…it already started merging in my mind, and it was difficult to keep happiness from sadness. Both felt like something, both were elemental feelings, but starting to melt into one…single feeling. If you mixed good with bad or white with black, what would you get?

Negativity, nothingness and emptiness.
I felt raddled, unable to feel anything anymore except that raging feeling of incompleteness. Forces had threwn me through time…scenes…feelings I had never wanted to visit and feel. Destiny did not ask whether you liked it.
It just used your body to fulfil its wishes, carry out the orders of the universe, and satisfy the gods above your pathetic existence.

Once again it had taken me with it and slammed my fragile body against the bulwark of sheer life. I was so tired of it.
So I decided to stay this time.

Gojyo came closer so that I could feel his breath on my face. My vision was still slightly blurred, so I could not tell whether he was smiling or glaring at me. I just swallowed as I remembered his sad face when I had left him. His helpless gaze. I didn’t know anymore what love was. Whether the devil’s feelings or his were called ’love’, or whether it was just a term with a wide-ranging variation. Both cared about and for me; the intentions were just different, yes…it were the intentions…

I blinked and must have looked disturbed as hell when Gojyo had softly kissed my cheek. I didn’t feel ready yet for returning to that kind of love, nor for accepting it again. If there was one word to describe my mental state then it was ’confused’. And dazed, probably, deranged, fuddled and bewildered. It was like mud and various particles being whirled up and giving the water an odd colour. If you’d stop shaking the little glass the mud would finally sink to the ground and continue rotting while the water would be clear again.

“I missed you,” I spouted off and just the next moment I got conscious of what I had said, actually.

More confusion was the result and I carefully moved backwards until there was some distance between me and Gojyo.
But currently there was not much difference between his and my expression of feelings; he was staring at me, dumbfounded.

“I…was missing you too,” he finally mumbled, lowering his head, and though, faintly smiling.

It was silent again. I thought I could expect him to be the first to move or say something, because he always did. And he did now, he lifted his head and looked at me with a grim expression.

“Stay,” he growled.

I blinked, disturbed at his voice and surprised at that one word. Intimidated by his appearance, confused by his presence, it had become a lot more all of a sudden.

“Or I will call on the Shakujyo and cut your throat.”

A sudden sting in my belly let me jerk slightly and I clenched my teeth. Of course I was to stay now, he forced me to. And somehow, I had lost the lust for death.
As I looked to the side I noticed the world moving, it was not supposed to, but it was like it was moving in waves. I felt dizzy, together with the emotions Gojyo and his words evoked, it was a terrible mix. He must have noticed because he brushed over my cheek and pressed his hand against my ribcage to force me to lie down again.

His touch hurt. My skin was raw, the devil had done a good job. I flinched as he touched my cheek. It was not over yet. Feeling his hand on my ribcage made me feel uncomfortable; he forced me to lie down, he forced me to comply.
In a fit of panic I tried to sit up again but I was pushed down immediately.

“Gojyo!” I whimpered, scared and desperate.

He let go. Confusion spread in his eyes again.

I turned my head and pressed my lips together; the tears made me lift my hand to wipe them away.

A broken doll, with clothes so expensive, so exquisite. Inside I was rotting away. Cold, violet eyes, hiding the pain.
I was dead, deprived of the ability to love, deprived of the ability to enjoy the love given to me, deprived of love itself.
Again I turned my head to look at him. I could watch him dying. And I could not stand it.

“Where’s my gun…”

My voice was shaky, barely audible.

He just swallowed, his gaze didn’t change.

Cold…so cold…

He closed his eyes and turned his head slightly. The devil had ruined his life too.

Nothingness. Emptiness.

He kept his head turned away from me, his hair covering his eyes so I could not see. But suddenly he shook his head, heaved the hair behind his shoulders and turned around again.
His look killed me.

There was the hint of a smile or smirk. He was not smiling. But I knew that in that whole spectrum his expression kept, it was there, somewhere.
He stared at me, his mouth a thin line, lips tightly pressed together. His features had got so hard in a second that it seemed he had turned into a stone statue. Otherwise, he would not have been able to bear that tension for long.
But he was able to stand it. And it grew with every moment which passed in silence. His eyes pierced me, they made me think. They made me breathe, they made my heart keep on beating. They kept me alive during those moments.
Determination, so firm and uncompromising that it defeated me.

I had grown weak…
But I began to realize that that force in front of me right then felt different. It was the soft cosy blanket to my weakness. I did not mind defeat that much anymore. If it was that beautiful, heavenly creature.

He kept sitting there and staring at me. I managed some ten percent of a smile and closed my eyes, I felt safe…for the first time after quite a while again. That feeling of security was only coming along with Gojyo. I knew that his purposes weren’t of the ill kind, I did know damn well that he didn’t want to harm me.
And I knew very well that my despair was the cause for his despair. My death wish was the knife I had rammed into his heart. He was interested in me staying alive, in me living on, feeling, breathing, being. He was concerned about me, he cared about me. He gave a damn about what happened to me. And whether I was happy or sad. Not for his egoistical purposes, but because he cared about me.

I closed my eyes and looked away. I could feel a smile searching its way out from my soul to my lips. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
So many feelings.
So many good feelings. I was not used to them anymore. They overwhelmed me. I had got to know deepest sadness and despair. It was about time to to get to know deepest bliss and happiness.

“I’ll stay.” I whispered. Speaking meant too much work right now.

He got up. It was not necessary to open my eyes and check to where he’d go. If I stayed he’d sure as hell stay too.
Only Gojyo kept that security. The door was opened and shut again, carefully.
Only then I was able to fully relax…enjoy those cotton wool castles and the fresh smell of the sheets again. The world turned bright. The light had never been brighter than on that day.
He would come back.

Some minutes later he came back, with two cups of coffee.
If he had done that already before I had met the subtly charming devil I probably wouldn’t have fallen for him. Not for the frills, not for the strange pleasures, nor for the odd love.
I had pure love here. Honest, warm love. Brownish ochre, he must have put milk in it too.
The devil had never made coffee for me. This one was hot, steaming, a little bitter still, the way I liked it. Burning my tongue and my fingers when touching it, fire to touch, fire to play with…tasting so good.

The world had changed, suddenly. Feelings, moves, actions. It all seemed different all of a sudden. Like I had been woken from a deadly sleep. Watching the world through milk glass. Sounds dull and low, colours toneless and matte, feelings faint and jaded.
It was an explosion of life now.

He bent down and offered me one cup. I looked up, I had hoped to see his eyes, but he kept them covered with his hair.
So I focused on the cup and took it, touching his fingers on it on purpose.
Warm.
I took the cup, and, to my surprise, Gojyo sat down on the bed next to me. I was glad he had got the hint. Slowly, I felt those rotting walls crumbling and disappearing, big pieces of stone falling into the sea, buried there forever, hopefully. I could feel the love returning to my bones, to my heart and soul. Gojyo did not talk.
He wound his other arm around my waist and pulled me closer. Not hard at all, since I didn’t weigh more than a small cement bag.

I spilled some of the coffee as I was pulled closer. Brown spots spread on the white sheets; tainted.
Someone would need to wash it.
Gojyo suddenly moved closer with his head and the next moment he was nuzzling my ear already. My hair had grown long, despite the lack of food and energy, so it was covering hals of my face, and also my ear now. But his lips found their way through that living mass of straw.

“Beautiful stranger…who are you,” he whispered into my ear in his calmest and smoothest voice I had ever heard from him.

I put both my hands on the cup to warm my fingers. I felt so weak, so cold, so exhausted. But I could allow myself to feel so now, and I could afford it. I was safe here, finally. Red love would protect me.
I licked my lips and tasted coffee.
He gave me the safety I needed to slowly develop a sense for life again, to feel myself again and listen to myself. Not to what others said, what I was to feel, but what I truly felt. He would accept my feelings, whether they were bad or good ones. He gave me the steadiness and security I needed to come out of my shell again. And I knew that no matter in which way I would come out, furious, happy, confused or desperate, he would accept it and be there.
Gojyo was a big shell with lots of rose fluff inside. Hard to crack, hard to enter. But once one was allowed to enter it would close around one and give shelter to one. Very cosy, comfortable shelter.

I thought I was ready for it. Ready for the start of a new part of my life.

“I am my own master.”

Gojyo kissed my ear gently and sent his breath against it.

“And I am myself.”

Gojyo hid his smile behind his hair. I only felt more teasing breath hitting my head.
He brought his cup of coffee up to mine and held it up in front of my chest. I needed a moment to get it that he wanted me to hold it. So I took it, in each hand a warm cup now.
He reached down, brushed over my pubic hair put his hand on ym skin then, tracing my cock down to the metal. A few quick turns and the ball fell from the bar. He did not need to look at it at all to know what he was to do. That man was one single mystery. One which was begging to be explored.

Carefully and slowly, he pulled out the stud. It gave me a weird feeling, and even turned me on. The way the metal slid out of it, watching it even, watching someone else than the devil doing that. Watching the one I…

“No”

Gojyo stopped immediately and froze. I knew that he would also accept it if I was not ready for it yet. He knew I was going to stay, but that I maybe would just need more time to fully let go of that other world. When he knew I was willing to escape it and leave it behind, he would accept me needing a little more time.
But it was not that.

With the two cups in my hand I leaned forward slightly. Then I took a swig from his cup. Much too much milk.
I loved this kitty.
I put my tongue out in sweet disgust and hurried to get my coffee in my mouth to neutralize that taste.

“He has pierced me, I have a hole in my penis. It will heal, eventually.”

I swallowed and cast my eyes down. Somehow, it hurt, still. The effects of that world keeping me as its prisoner hurt now. But, there was someone who would take care of those wounds now. I just needed time.
Gojyo held still; he had put his hand on my belly now and gently stroked a spot right below my navel with his thumb.

“I hated it. When he had done it I felt it there and in my soul, holes. He has touched me where I was still untouched and pristine. Maybe the only spot of this tainted body and soul,” I trailed off, getting lost inferiority complexes all of a sudden. My breathing had sped up; Gojyo could not have failed to notice that.
Indeed, he bent down some more then and kissed my belly, then lay down on it. He knew that I needed lots of space now for myself to unfold and open up. Eye-contact would have been a threat for me right then. So he just showed me that he was there and accepting it.

“Maybe,” I took another swig from my cup.

“It hurt when he touched me there. He often removed it then to play with me. I never was allowed to touch it or pull it out on my own. When I needed to relieve myself I had to ask his permission, and he would take it out then.”

Gojyo was silent and listened to me, just still caressing my belly. Further down, slowly his fingers reached my pubic hair again, and it came to rest there then.
I didn’t mind. I had to smile. That man did not mind the holes in my body and in my soul. He readily accepted them and supported me.

“He has done it. But I want to keep it.”

No reaction. He remained silent. He’d wait it out. All.

“I do not want his filthy metal shit in it.”

More coffee.
I made a sound of annoyance as I had taken it from his cup. But…it began to taste good now. Somehow.

“I want yours in it.”

He slightly turned his head and smiled into my belly. These feelings I could feel coming from him now, they were so much more subtle and gentle than the devil’s ones. So many more nuances, so much more emotion, so much more human intensity in them. With every moment passing I was more and more assured that it hd been the right choice I had made this time. If I had had a choice at all.
And even if I hadn’t had a choice, it had been the right choice forced on me then. Whatever it had been.

I could feel him licking his lips, his tongue grazed my navel.

“Okay,” he whispered, that one word even full of love.

“I have that hole. It will never heal. But I think…I can choose with what to fill it. Can’t I…”

It was a question. I needed his opinion still, I needed his affirmation, I needed his ’Yes’, his ’Okay’, his ’Yes, that is right’, I needed his thoughts on it. Aftermath of the devil’s world. I needed his affirmation so badly.
Gojyo was a man who got these feelings. He had a very fine sense of human feelings. He was the right man. He could save me.

“Only you can decide,” he said, affirming me and assuring me of his love again. Showing me that he would accept my choices, that he accepted me as an independent human being if I was ready to work towards that too, and showing me that he would be at my side in the fight for it.

It made me cast down my eyes again. So foolish to leave that home. But I had needed it to know what I wanted in my life. The pain I had caused the others was unforgivable probably. It was there. But, when I saw how happy they were now and would be, it was easier for me to deal with it. To be honest, I did not think Goku and Hakkai the ones to be resentful and reproach me, bear grudges against me for the rest of their lives. They were wiser than me. Even Goku in his youth.
And Gojyo had shown me already that he did not want to linger in that past, but rather create the present now. Together.

“I want a black ring in it,” he said, all of a sudden. Possessive, but, in a different way than I had heard the devil expressing it. I could decide. And I began to develop a sense for what I could decide and what not again. What maybe would need some riot or agitation. If I truly did not want it, I could say it. He made me know that.
But I was fine with a black ring as well.

More coffee.

“Black suits your pale skin. I missed it so much.”

He nuzzled my belly with his nose, placing more light kisses on it. I leaned back and closed my eyes, concentrating on his touch and the thrills it gave me.
When I felt his hand moving down again I could feel a kind of nervous agitation spreading in my head and keeping me from thinking clearly anymore.Turned my head to the side and my arm dropped down a little when he lightly touched my hard cock. Fortunately, it had been Gojyo’s cup, and there was no more coffee to be spilled.

As I dared to open an eye and peer down at him, eager to not see too much and destroy the magic of that special moment of just feeling, I could just watch him as he closed his fingers around my cock. In that second which lay between his open and closed hand I could savour in the lust and excitement in his eyes. It was overwhelming. So honest, and so positive. And it contained me. My character, my wounds, my bad sides and my good sides. I had never been happily hard in a more blissful way than right now.

The moment I felt his warm skin on my heated flesh I squirmed and got totally lost in it. Even a moan escaped me. So different from those other moans. Forced. Desperate.
That one was desperate and quite forced too, but different. Desperate for more, forced in lust and expectation. And now, consciously experiencing that, had I been to choose, I’d have decided for this now any time. I knew the difference now.
As I was indulging in those intense feelings, Gojyo sat up, still keeping his fingers around my cock and gripping it tightly so I felt a teasing pressure there. And it got worse when he stretched his pinky and poked my balls with it. I tensed up and stretched out my legs, tensing up those muscles too until they were shaking, gripped so tightly in two ways, his fingers and lust.

As I felt his breath on my cheek again I jerked and opened my eyes immediately. It had given me one of these pleasurable stings in my stomach, the thrill, shock and lust together. Gojyo leaned in and took some cheek skin between his lips. He sucked hard on it while pressing his thumb against my cock in a way which made me moan out loud. Doubly groped now, I did not manage to focus on one sensation in particular now. Though, my mind was still switching from one to the other, depending on which was just more pain- and blissful at the moment.

“Gojyo,” I gasped, trying to get my head beyond his reach.

But that just served to stir him up all the more. It was fuel to his fire. Pure fuel.
He groaned against my skin…I could feel him giving in to his own sensations his cock let him feel right now as his lips and cheek were pressed against my cheek in a clumsy way. But he pulled himself together shortly after that and bit my skin. I screamed, being totally over challenged then.

“Gojyo, stop it,” I gasped, feeling out of my mind by now.
It made me panic. Losing control in that unfamiliar way, feeling the world moving away from my mind and body, things getting so out of control that I felt unable to think clearly anymore in the fear it caused.

“Stop it!!!”, I screamed, the fear making me blind.

Darkness.
My vision turned black, warmth engulfed me.

A constant, low and calm sound was all I heard, and I concentrated on that.
I finally managed to relax and let go of the tension. My fists unclenched, and my shoulders sank down.
I recognized the warm sound as Gojyo’s voice then. Soothing, so calm and low.

The darkness disappeared in a second, and I could see the light again.
I felt dazed…I needed some more moments to adjust myself to reality and that peace again. Gojyo stayed with me; he held me tightly and kept his head close so that I could listen to his steady breath.

“I’m sorry,” he said then.

It was an apology which needed no forgiveness. He had not made any mistake. It was not to be considered as a mistake. If anyone was guilty then it was me. I felt wretched for needing time for that too. Feelings so pure and essential as those, lust and pleasure and that kind of physical love. In my sorrow I turned away from Gojyo, but he grabbed my chin and made me look straight into his eyes. A soft, understanding, but determined look pierced me. I did not know that Gojyo at all. So familiar with feelings, so perfectly able to love, so gentle.

“Hit me or shout at me,” he said in a calm and understanding voice, “But don’t turn away. Don’t give up. I can understand if you need time to fully return, time to make new experiences and process them in your own way, time to accept these feelings at all, and time to trust. It needs time. Building up trust and self-confidence needs time. There is no one who is born with these skills. You make experiences and make progress through these. It’s important to make them.
I’ll show you that there is other love than pain and blood too. And that there is a way between total submission and totally free will.

But, I will never restrain you. You are free. You always were. You could leave when you wanted, you can leave whenever you want to leave. Know that no chains hold you here.

His words did not leave me unimpressed.
But I did not need even one second to know what to reply to that.

“I am chained. I’m not free,” I said, giving him a weak smile.

Gojyo looked at me, worry creeping into his gaze.
I closed my eyes for a moment and smiled, then I gave him a full smile. And the change in his expression was so beautiful to watch. So subtle, but so beautiful. My smile lighted up his soul.

“I’m chained by your love.”

He stared at me. I could feel his paralyzed thoughts, intense feelings blocking the nerves so that he could not feel anything right at that moment.
But finally, I watched a sweet smile appearing on his lips too. He slightly turned his head away and cast his eyes down. And lord, I meant to see a blush coming out on his cheeks. My god, I had never seen him so beautiful. Gojyo, embarrassed by love.

He was so very beautiful.
When he looked at me again his cheeks were still tinged with red. He was aware of that. And he exposed himself to me though. He showed understanding, and so did I. The respect he gave me I returned. And it came naturally, that understanding and respect then.

“You’re so sweet,” he said under more smiling.

Now it was me who felt the heat on his cheeks.
Two blushing idiots on a stained bed.
As Gojyo was smiling at me so stupidly, seeming like a lovesick cute dachshund, I remembered that I had a cup in which I could hide those strong feelings and that blush. Not yet I was ready to expose myself in such situations in such an uninhibited way.
So I lifted the cuo with my coffee, in the other hand still holding his, and sipped my coffee, trying to will the blush off my cheeks. Gojyo kept smiling and looked down, searching for his coffee too.
But there was none left.

As his brain had finally noticed that too his smile slightly dropped and he looked cute in another way. He quickly looked up again and glared hard at me, the hint of a playfully threatening smile on his lips again.

“You dare drink ym coffee?” he said, shaking his head, his voice becoming louder and more threatening towards the end.

“Yos,” I mumbled into the cup and coffee, hardly able to hide my smile anymore. The Yes came out distorted, and made me laugh all the more until I choked on the coffee and had to put the cup down, spluttering coffee across the bed and us.
I quickly lifted my hand to keep the coffee from escaping my mouth, because I could not stop laughing anymore. But it was too late already, it trickled down my hand and dropped on the bed as I was shaken with laughter.
His face from before, the other look and just some good deal of situation comedy had shattered the walls.

Gojyo showed me one of the most beautiful smiles I had ever seen.
Unfortunately, it turned into a smirk just when he shot forward and brought his fingers to uncomfortable spots of my body.
I screamed and laughed tears as he tickled me, squirming and trying to escape the touch of my lover. He just was too skilled.

“STOP IT,” I cried out, my head hitting the wall hard in my spasm. Gojyo had to take some pretty hard blows and punches too as my limbs flew through the air in that fit of forced happiness.

“AAAAHHHH”

“What has happened?!” Hakkai suddenly shouted next to my ear.

I jerked to the side, right into Gojyo’s arms, my heart stopping beating for a second. Gojyo was paralyzed too by that shock; he had not heard him either.
Served him right.

“N-nothing,” he stuttered.

It was silent then. Hakkai stared down at us, confused but fiercly, trying to evaluate the situation.

I was panting hard, but at least I managed to relax again and leaned back against Gojyo, who then got aware of me in his arms again. He looked down; his hair fell over his shoulder, tickling my face. I lifted a hand to put it aside and get to see his face.
The smile had disappeared. There were strange emotions in his eyes.
Care, love, possessiveness, readiness, curiosity.

I bent my head to look at Hakkai again. By now, he had crossed his arms in front of his chest and wore his reproach look.

“I see,” he said half snidely, half happily.
He turned around then and left us alone again.

Gojyo didn’t move. I decided to slip down some more to have it more comfortable here if he was holding still so willingly there.

“You think I’ll be your wing chair now, or what?” he said, defiantly.

I pressed my head against his belly and rubbed it against his skin to provoke him some more while putting my hands on his knees and spreading my legs to give him a picture as bold and vulgar as possible.

“I drank your coffee, I abuse you as my comfy chair, what else is there to wish for for you, hah?”

I was not used to my voice anymore. And especially not to that. Neither the tone, nor the intention when talking, nor the vibe.

“You’re right…what else is there to wish for”

I cast my eyes up, eager to not move my head so that he wouldn’t notice.
A beautiful chin blocked my view. Tasty reddish brown stubbles there.
It made me chuckle. When he shaved himself, didn’t he shave himself there too? I snorted in my suppressed laughter.

Gojyo looked down, showing me big, sweet teddy eyes.

“I think you need another tickle round,” he said, narrowing his brow.

“Do you not shave your chin?” I blurted out under more snickering.

“WHAT?”

I lifted my hand and brushed over his chin. So raw and rough.
Gojyo was perplexed.

But he looked up again, and I kept happily brushing the underside of his jaw.

“I…,” he started in a contemplative voice, then paused and lifted his head a bit so I could better reach the spots, “I think so…”

I gulped the giggling back and kept fondling him in that strange way.
Like a big kitty. He held perfectly still, obviously enjoying that small gesture like nothing else.
The snickering urge faded, and it left me pensive too.

A big, clumsy kitty. Who knew what he had experienced in his life already to seek love so desperately and push it away at the same time. I couldn’t remember any love in his eyes the moment he had hit me there.
And then, when it mattered, when it had come down to the very core of it, it had got unbearable and burst, and his repressed love finally fully claimed his heart and mind.

His fingers closed around mine and he took my hand and brought it to his lips to kiss it. Soft touch. Kitty paws.
His lips gently kissed my hand, then he led it down again and just held it above my head, pressing it against his chest. He was so beautiful to watch, the cat with his own free will.
His free will, and he loved me.
This tainted, dirty piece, and he freely loved it, asking not one thing for it, asking no amends.

Both searching and looking, never satisfied, wandering that earth, never finding their happiness. Two negative poles.
But together, they seemed to work quite well. The same world, the same language, the same knowledge.

“I’ll not leave you again”

He breathed calmly, there was peace in his aura for the first time since I had got to know him. He remained silent.
It was not that he didn’t believe you. I had proven to him that that was impossible to happen again.
It was rather the turmoil of feelings in his soul, which I felt raging inside myself too. Happiness, sadness, hope, despair.
Happiness that we had finally found our way; sadness that terrible things had happened; hope that everything would be betetr from now on; despair at the effects of the past.

However, there was one things which was the cure for that. Maybe two.
Time, and…

“I love you,” he finally said, a voice so heavy and calm that it deeply moved me inside.

Arms closed around me and red spilled over my face. It felt cosy and warm there, my peace. It let things fall off which bothered or hurt me and it smoothened my soul. It was more than that visual world of dressing up, actors, and pretending. More pure and genuine. Only there I could find what I was looking.

He placed a kiss on my forehead and bent over me to reach for my coffee on the bedside table. In wise foresight, he had taken it from my hand and put it there before he had started his tickle tackle.

He stuck out his tongue and made a sound of displeasure. Then he pulled a face again.

“I’ll have to get used to that, right?” he asked me, clearly expecting a Yes from me anyway.

I didn’t disappoint him.

“Yeah,” I purred, promise of bitter love and sweet torture in my voice.
After all, I had got used to his too.

_________