Deal! Fortune!...in bed.

The Anime series “Shuffle” is brought to us by Funimation, not me. I do not profit financially from this. The line between dirty and filthy is clear but the line between naughty and just dirty always seemed dotted. Cold water reviews welcome.

[Title:] Deal! Fortune! The boy who could become either a god or a devil…in bed.

[Side Note:] See website link in profile for a review of the original series.

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Chapter 3: Mr. Wet Cat
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Once, when Rin was a very little boy, his mother took a broom to him. It was just a playful exaggeration to get him out of the house, but he’d moved very quickly. His mother knew children needed fresh air, but Rin knew his mother sometimes needed the entire house to cry bleach. Kaede had been terrified the first time she saw him exploding out the front door with tears in his eyes. He’d laughed louder to reassure her that everything was funny, not sad.

When Rin exploded out the front door this morning, he was trying not to cry because everything should be funny, but it wasn’t. Everything definitely wasn’t clean, either. He’d hollered something about not having time for breakfast from the laundry room, where he’d selected the cleanest-looking outfit in the hamper. He’d hollered the same kind of something about having errands to take care of while Kaede tried to holler something back from upstairs. Primula gave him a curious look, which he’d returned with a grimace between a shrug and a shriek as he wiggled into both shoes at the same time, holding onto the door handle for dear life.

She would help Kaede clean and wouldn’t know what she was cleaning. Kaede wouldn’t tell her and the whole unspeakable thing would actually be unspeakable when he returned. Cowardice could be an art and all art was beautiful on some level.

Rin skidded to a stop in a cloud of dust and burst self-justifying thought bubble.

When was he going to return? Midnight? Seasonal Gift-Giver Day? Where would he go? He wasn’t running from a jealous fan club, he was running from his own home, his own-

“Oh! Good morning, young man.”

Outside the gate to the human home of the God king, Eustoma, a woman was waving her fan in his favor. Not the King’s favor. Rin’s. Rin the cowardly peasant. The woman was obviously from the land of the Gods and more obviously from a noble background. She wore a beautiful, yet strikingly modern (or rather outright otherworldly) kimono. The garment’s geometric cascade of warm colors seemed to clash purposefully with the simple pastoral scene on her fan. The knot of her obi was tied with such a feminine touch that it bounced with every round thing about her.

The woman was actually Sia, but Sia actually harbored a… “less refined” …personality inside her. Rin tensed, ready to run in any direction before he could imagine what Sia-as-Kikiyo might be like on a day like this.

The woman was actually not Sia, or the unborn, merged, manic twin princess of the Gods.

Rin realized it just looked a lot like her, but was too perceptive (for a change) to be relieved. He mouthed his thoughts silently with a slackening jaw:

No. It couldn’t be…

“You must be Rin. My daughter has told me so much about you. I feel terrible that it has taken this long for us to meet. She really is quite impressed with you.”

Fan to her face, her eyes flashed with more testing intensity than any human grin. Rin didn’t really understand what an old dojo teacher had meant when he said:

“An opponent who will not chase you is an opponent you cannot run from.”

But Rin whispered it to himself for courage as he took a step forward.

“Good morning, your highness.”

Rin tried to bow too deeply to be moved from the spot, but when he stood he found he couldn’t take his eyes off the movement of her fan. He felt more like a bird entranced by a snake’s tongue than a cat entranced by a bird.

“I was hoping to surprise my husband. It was such an ordeal to get someone to take over my royal duties, thus I am so very anxious to see him…and my daughter, of course.”

“I’ll bet,” Rin mumbled helplessly.

“You see, good sir, I have knocked, and yet it seems they cannot hear me. I could shout to them, but that would give away the surprise, not to mention that it would not be very proper.”

She inclined her head with a blush so gracefully, so very gracefully, that Rin thought he could imagine what good Sake tasted like. The traditional style Japanese beauties had never done much for him before, but he could see now that they simply hadn’t been doing it right. To work the charms of a true noblewoman required something elegant, something sensuous rather than merely glamorous.

Rin had to help her, and be so damn respectful it hurt. That was the Right Thing to Do. He approached, the very picture of chivalry from someone copying it from a history book. History was important.

“Please miss, allow me. Sia says I’m welcome to make myself at home anytime.”

Rin bowed again and realized his mistake the moment he saw the ground.

“Oh, is that so?”

“That is …I-her father is teaching me to play chess as well.”

“He’s a calculating one, that’s for certain,” the noble woman glanced at the house, speaking under her breath in what couldn’t have been a grumble.

In a movement that slowed his reflexes rather than enhance her own, she put her arm through his. Rin tensed, waiting for her to press her breasts into his elbow. She didn’t, so Rin had to exhale his relief for twice as long.

There was no turning back now, but there was also no hope of remembering which door was the main one. Sia’s father had ordered a very traditional and very classy home, but that made it difficult to remember where the appropriate entrance would be as there was an entrance and a formal garden on every side.

“Lead the way, Lord Rin, sir.”

She didn’t move closer to him as they approached the house, but he did feel their proximity change in some other than mother way. Rin began to look toward her to apologize (and maybe free himself) for not being familiar enough with the house.

“Oh! I have an idea. Why don’t I hide off to the side while you knock on the door there. Then when they open it I can really surprise them.”

Rin chuckled uncomfortably but was thankful that she had at least taken the lead. He swallowed and hopped that it looked like a nod.

“I am at your service, my lady.”

The pronouncement was hardly noble, and Rin worried that he sounded mocking rather than nervous. Small relief then, when his escort glided away from him, so graceful now that she really did seem to float and so graceful that floating didn’t seem odd. A vision snuck into his mind, a not The Right Thing to Think vision, of his teacher, all jealous and pouty and cute now that his Oedipus complex had advanced. Rin gritted his teeth till it went away. The Queen didn’t seem to notice as she gestured for him to ring the bell.

“Who in the-?! One moment, please.”

Sia’s father sounded agitated. The plan started to sound safer if he were the one to hide.

Eustoma opened the door roughly, but without much force. It looked like he had not slept for days. At the sight of his visitor he scrapped up some fumes from the furnace, seeming worried rather than angry.

“Rin! Er…don’t you think it might be better if-” Eustoma looked over his shoulder, “if-if you, you know, stayed home today. I can’t go into detail but I think this whole-”

“Darling!”

It was obvious where Sia had learned that even the king of Gods could be toppled with the right technique. The large figure crumbled under the tiny tsunami of giggles and increasingly intimate caresses. Eustoma struggled to his knees, then his feet, his special guest still around his neck. She loosened only when he held her by the waist at arm’s length to get a better look.

“It can’t be! My little pudding flower! Is it really you?!”

Rin could barely keep up with the few seconds of contact it took to rejuvenate the weary king. Eustoma swung his wife around in joyous circles. Her dainty feet knocked a lamp onto the floor and a vase against the wall, but the couple gave them no more notice than someone else’s dandelion wish. The crash made Rin instinctively cover his head, then look around for Sia or anything else that might make this all more awkward. Maybe he could just be on his way. Maybe pigs could fly, without magic even.

“I take it you’ve met Sia’s mother, then! I was wondering when she’d finally get to see our human home! HA!” Eustoma’s bombastic laugh shook the room and a very loose smile out of Rin.

Now firmly cuddly-backed onto his shoulders, Pudding Flower nuzzled her cheek into her husband’s. Their combined blushes were like a candyman alchemy, transmutating crème and caramel into cinnamon. Rin couldn’t see the surprisingly agile woman’s legs, or the King’s hands for that matter.

“Oh darling, however did you stay warm during the long, cold nights they have here?”

The king grinned, blushed more deeply, and stuttered as the question brought one delicate hand under his chin, the other down his chest. Rin was now quite ready to excuse himself when those Goddess eyes welded him to the spot.

“Rin, my husband can be so oblivious to a woman’s schemes. He probably hasn’t been an especially challenging chaperone, has he?”

The Right Way to Laugh would be innocently, as if Rin had no idea what she was implying. The laugh that came made him sound like he was being tickled by something that hadn’t been cute for a long time. Eustoma sounded equally if oppositely uncomfortable.

“P-p-pudding, Sia hasn’t seen you in such a long time. I’m sure she’d be…happy…to…”

Eustoma trailed off as his inquisitor made inquiry into his ear with the tip of her tongue. She began whispering something that made all the blood rush to the king’s face. All the blood in the world, maybe.

No, Rin realized, there was some blood left for another place.

No.

No way!

Rin’s jaw collapsed in an expression so helpless he could feel the shock echo in his ears.

A delighted, yet almost sinister giggle erupted atop the royal volcano.

“My my! That’s certainly one way to show the boy who’s in charge. Maybe we shouldn’t call Sia out here just yet. I’m sure she’ll be just as happy to see me after we’ve had some time to catch up on grownup things.”

Rin had seen the king drunk before, he’d seen the king utterly wasted before, but he’d never seen him look so brain-dead. When he heard the king laugh to himself he worried the damage might be permanent.

“Flowers…heh heh…pudding…hee hoo”

“What do you think, darling, can we trust Rin to treat Sia like a lady if we attend to business?”

The click of Rin’s jaw back into place was audible and encompassing, as if his entire head had been rebooted after a circuit break. Some small bit of unbiased, logical curiosity, perhaps plucked up by the serious nature of the word ‘business,’ made him speak to himself plainly enough to be heard.

“Wait a second. If this is first time you’ve visited, how did you know where the front door was?”

The absurd rudeness of the question made every nerve in his body retract, then loosen when the king looked not at the offending detective, but instead swung his head around to face the suspect on his shoulder.

“And since when have you called me ‘darling?’” The question was incredulous rather than suspicious, but the answer was obvious, regardless.

Pudding flower pouted for a moment and transformed in a puff of smoke almost as white as Eustoma’s face would be in the next second.

Rin didn’t gape or glare this time, but he did almost gag.

Forbesii, the king of the world of Devils, was certainly the more feminine of the two monarchs, but he didn’t look right in the exotic kimono, dainty as he tried to be when he slid off the god-king’s shoulders. He crossed his arms and sat back on the head of a sofa, airily dismissing anything that might undermine his performance.

“Well, Eustoma ol’ buddy, I don’t know how you can expect to keep your daughter under control when you can barely control yourself.”

Rin knew that people from the God and Devil worlds could use magic, but he frankly had no real idea how much could be done with it. Right then he had never wanted to NOT know so much in his life. He imagined, watching the death of the God-king’s trouser temple, a sea serpent slain with a single strike.

“Forb…ou…you-”

“Oh come now, your highness. You know we asked our wives to stay in their worlds. Did you think your…” Forbesii made a show of looking at the other king’s crotch, “charms alone would be enough to overwhelm duty, even under the Lemon Star.”

“You…you-”

Rage was climbing the ladder of Eustoma’s breath. Murder was condensing on his teeth.

Rin barely brought his arms up in a protective gesture in time to block the hail of fine and classy interior shrapnel.

Eustoma had yelled something like ‘devil, freak, or kill’ all at the same time, and lunged at the smaller king. This attack shattered much of the living room, but Forbesii danced out of the way effortlessly, skipping and giggling into the garden so like a schoolgirl that Rin covered his face again. Eustoma gave chase, reminding Rin of the time he’d stood a little too close to a train, then making him think of trains and tunnels, which made him hide his face more thoroughly. The pursuit had already carried them to the other side of the house by the time Rin opened his eyes. Surely everyone in the neighborhood could hear them.

“Come back here you depraved monster!”

“Monster?! Have you no care for a lady’s delicate feelings?”

“I’ll show you delicate!”

They’d doubled back now and went charging past Rin as if he were less than a tire barrier at a drag race. The unspeakable threats and unthinkable taunts continued and elevated till Rin stepped inside and closed the door, as much to hide his fear as his shame by association. He stepped over the remains of the living room and into the kitchen, wondering if, with Sia clearly missing, he’d be the one responsible for preventing an inter-world war. Would bringing out some snacks in a friendly way show that all was forgotten? Would getting them drunk make things better or worse? Where the heck was Sia, anyway?

“You would have let my daughter see us like that, wouldn’t you?! Wouldn’t you?!”

“Like what?”

The commotion halted for a second, then broke with the sound of magic smoke and a voice somewhere between the previous mask and the present marauder.

“Like this? Or maybe like this?”

“Eeeeeyooow! Get off me you nasty little worm!”

The chase continued with multiplied force. Rin grabbed his skull and rested his elbows on the kitchen counter. It was hopeless. This was how it all ended. Like this. The should-be-but-not-funny indignity of it all.

No.

The Right Thing to Do made it clear that now was no time to act like a stuffy old woman. He had to be a man, go out there, and break those two up. If one of their daughters were here this never would have gotten out of hand, but wherever they were it was probably better they not see this. Maybe he could just turn the hose on them like a pair of dogs.

“WAAAIT!”

Eustoma’s command tore the whole world into an eerie silence.

Rin heard Forbesii skid to a stop. Rin dared to hope, then swore he would never hope again when he heard the Devil-King’s chuckle and the God-King’s roar.

“Forbesii! Step away from the-don’tyoumakethatfaceatme!”

As deadly serious as he sounded, he couldn’t have been serious in the next moment.

“Don’t make that face at my koi, either!”

Rin decided, there and then, that even if alcohol made things worse, it was worth the chance to end this quickly. He scoured the cupboards and found nothing, nothing useful, then more nothing. A loud splash outside made him double his efforts.

“My koi!”

Rin found some pots and pans.

“Oh-ho no-oh!”

Rin found the cutlery.

“Get out of there right now!”

“I’m all wet! What if someone sees through my clothes?!”

Rin found some cleaning supplies, remembered Kaede, made a panicked sound, and started throwing everything onto the floor.

“You-don’t you DARE! You put Mr. Wet Cat down!”

“Mr. Wet Cat?” Forbesii asked, deviously amused.

“Mr. Wet Cat?” Rin echoed to himself, horrified.

The chase outside became louder and more violent, as did Rin’s search. In a moment of reflexive yet useless courtesy he tried to correct the rug by the kitchen sink. Naturally, as lucky people turn clumsiness into a virtue, he uncovered a trap door. As lucky people go, Rin wasn’t a gambler, and so it took a few thoughts to unroll his fortune.

A trap door?

A trap door!

A wine cellar!

Rin laughed triumphantly, lifted the hatch by an iron ring inset with the wood, and froze. It was dark down there. In fact, the light didn’t penetrate into this abyss half as far as it should. The longer he stared the quieter the royal ruckus outside became. It wasn’t like looking into the sun at all, but the sun, streaming through the kitchen window, spreading over his back, seemed to be looking over his shoulder.