An Idiot's Guide to Ectopic Birth

Kamio still wasn't quite sure how it happened. One moment he was screaming and yelling and otherwise making a scene while stomping after Atobe into some hotel, the next moment he was being stuffed into a (rather posh) room and being told, with an exasperated sigh, to sit still and be a good boy. One quick second later Atobe was gone, the door shut tight behind him, and Kamio wondered what the hell kind of hotel had locks on the outside of the rooms?

He banged on the door a few times, to no avail, before pouting and kind of... flopping... onto the bed. But, my, this was the most luxurious comforter Kamio had ever laid on in his life. He wondered when Atobe would be back, if in fact the bastard would remember to come back at all, and he wished there was a mini-bar in the room. Not that he would actually drink any alcohol... pouring it all down the sink would be enough, if only to see Atobe's face when he got the bill. Kamio laughed at the thought, apparently not bright enough to realize that such a bill would amount to pocket change to somebody like Atobe Keigo.

Kamio rolled over, looked out the window, and started to regret the fact that he had come here at all. What was the point, really, of following Atobe, and why was he always so hotheaded all the time? He thought about Atobe, and about Shinji and everything he had said about madararui, and he wondered why he was all of a sudden a part of this world. Kamio must have laid there, just thinking for close to an hour, before he became aware of noises coming from outside the room. It sounded like some one... eating? Pushing himself off the bed, Kamio padded back over to the door, where he knocked a few times.

"Hello?" he questioned. "Is any one there?"

There were definite footsteps then, drawing closer until whoever was there was right on the opposite side of the door. Kamio could hear some one turn the lock, and then the hinges of the door creaked as it opened...

"You!" he yelled, eyes narrowing as he realized exactly who had just freed him. "What are you doing here?"

"Huh?" Kirihara Akaya blinked at him, confused. "Who are you?"

And, unlike some people who seemed to find posture and pretense highly amusing, Kirihara seemed to really not know who he was. For some reason it just made Kamio angrier.

"What do you mean who am I? You only completely injured my buchou during a tennis match!"

"That... doesn't really narrow it down."

"Fudomine! I'm Kamio Akira from Fudomine!"

More confused blinks before sudden realization. "Oh... you're from Tachibana-san's team."

"Tachibana-san? Since when were you so nice and respectful?!"

"Why don't you just relax?" Akaya asked, his expression half scowl and half pout. "If your buchou already forgave me, who are you to give me crap about it?"

"… I guess you're right…" Kamio muttered, his mouth pulled into a frown. He really hated how Tachibana and Akaya were so amiable with one another these days, but more than that he hated not knowing when and how their relationship had gotten so friendly in the first place.

"Look, look," Akaya went on, his eyes half circles as he smiled and made his way over to a table loaded with food. "You hungry? Cause I can share."

"You're not going to try and injure me or something, are you?"

"Why would I do that? You're not even good at tennis, so I wouldn't get anything out of it."

Kamio could feel his teeth grinding together, but he made his way towards the table nonetheless. It was the first time he really took a look around the room, and realized that he was in some kind of penthouse. The room he had been in before hadn't been a hotel room but a bedroom in an even larger hotel room… his eyes widened as he looked around. This suite was bigger than his house.

"Jesus… does this penthouse take up the entire floor?"

"Yeah," Akaya replied, in the middle of stuffing his mouth with what looked like shrimps wrapped in phyllo dough. "It takes up the entire top floor of the hotel. Hey, have some smoked salmon."

Kamio wondered at Akaya's insistence that he eat, but then he spotted a bowl of chocolate covered fruit among Kirihara's harvest, and snatched it up from the table before running to settle into the couch. "Where'd all this food come from?"

"Duh," Akaya said, rolling his eyes, "room service."

"Isn't it expensive?" Kamio mumbled, his lips around a strawberry. It was the best chocolate covered strawberry he had ever tasted in his life.

"Probably. Sanada told me I could order whatever I wanted, but I think he only said that because Atobe's paying."

The mention of Sanada made Kamio pause and realize it was rather odd for two Rikkai players to be here, in what was presumably Atobe's penthouse, running up Atobe's tab. "You… what are you two doing here with Atobe?"

"Don't you know?" Akaya asked. "Sanada and Atobe are here to arrange their marriage."

Kamio sputtered on a cherry seed. "What… how…"

"Hey," Akaya said, eyes taking on a mischievous gleam, "why don't we go spy on them? I wonder what they're talking about…"

The last thing Kamio wanted to do was spy on Atobe as he arranged a marriage with another boy, and where exactly was something like that legal anyway? What he really wanted to do was get out of here and forget all about Atobe, but then Akaya was grabbing his arm and pulling him to his feet.

"Hey!" he started, but only stumbled into the other boy as he was pulled into an elevator. A portion of his mind gaped at the fact that there was an elevator in the middle of the penthouse, but before he could wrap his brain about it Akaya was pulling him out again and into what looked like the lobby area. He tried to jerk out of Akaya's grasp, mumbling to the other boy to let him go, but soon realized that it only made the people around stop and stare at him. Not wanting to cause a scene at the posh hotel, Kamio settled on a grumpy countenance and an occasional twitch, but Akaya's vice grip on his arm remained as strong as ever.

"I think it's this way," Akaya said, pulling Kamio past what looked to be a staircase leading down to a ballroom. They were in a more spacious area now, and Kamio could see that some of the rooms were filled with long tables and office chairs. This was probably some kind of conference area, he thought, and then Akaya was pulling him into a hallway labeled 'Staff Only'.

"I don't think we're supposed to be here," Kamio whispered, voice harsh as he cast a glance around for anyone who might catch them there.

"But I'm pretty sure this hallway leads to all the lounges… hey! That's it, do you hear that?"

Akaya seemed to hold his breath in order to hear better, and, sure enough, Kamio could hear the muted sounds of voices coming from an adjoining room. He and Akaya tracked the soft noise, finally coming to a nondescript door, which Akaya shoved open just the tiniest bit.

"Ssshhh," Akaya said, an outstretched finger in front of his mouth, and Kamio rolled his eyes. As if he needed Akaya to tell him not to make any noise.

The two settled around the small gap, trying to peer in, but from his position Kamio couldn't see anything but a tall plant, part of a couch, and the back of what he thought was Sanada's head.

"… if you refer to clause 4A of the prenuptial agreement, and then cross reference that with the second contract that was handed out…

"I don't think this is the room," Kamio said, "They're talking business in there."

"What do you think this marriage is?" Akaya asked. "They're not marrying each other out of love."

Kamio frowned at that and looked back into the room. "Are madararui marriages done for politics and business?"

"I don't think it's a madararui thing," Akaya answered, "I think it's an upper-upper class thing."

Kamio kneeled down, resting his legs a little bit as he peered into the room. From the conversation he could guess that Atobe and Sanada both had their fathers and lawyers present, but it was all really very boring, and he would have just left right then and there if he had remembered the way out.

"… and then on to the more domestic areas of the negotiations, in regards to children…"

"He'll be the mother," came two voices, and Kamio realized that both Sanada and Atobe had said that at the same time.

"Mother?" Kamio tapped Akaya on the shoulder, interrupting Akaya from his snickering. "What do they mean mother?"

"What do you mean what do they mean?" Akaya asked, confused. "They're arguing over who has to carry their children."

Kamio was sure he was completely pale at the moment. Carry a child? He shook his head, deciding to pretend that he had just misheard.

Meanwhile, in the room, Kamio could see that Sanada was standing up and was in somewhat heated discussion with Atobe, but then their lawyers were calming them down and moving to another topic.

"Of course," came a woman's voice, and Kamio had already identified it as Atobe's lawyer, "monogamy will be required. It would besmirch the Atobe name if Genichirou-kun were to have extramarital affairs, even if it is with a retrograde. To think if Keigo-sama's husband was seeing some one else… it's preposterous. Our pride won't stand for it."

There was silence, and then Sanada's voice. "Not see Akaya?"

Kamio looked over at the boy standing next to him, but Akaya was staring intently into the room, mouth just a little agape as he gripped the doorframe. There was whispering, mumbling, Sanada's father saying something to his son.

"You can't expect us to give up a retrograde," Sanada's father said, "you know how rare those are."

"That's exactly what we expect you to do," Atobe's lawyer replied. "It's what you'll have to do if you want this merger to go through."

More mumblings, and then Sanada's father. "That's fine."

"Say something," came Akaya's voice, his eyes focused on Sanada, but the other boy didn't say anything, and then they were moving onto a different topic.

Akaya's knuckles were ghost white now from their grip on the door, and Kamio felt a little sorry for him. Obviously Akaya and Sanada had some kind of relationship going on; God knows they were both psychopathic enough to deserve each other. He reached out towards the boy, watched as Akaya's eyes squeezed shut.

"Kirihara," he said, not knowing what to say, "I'm sorr- gah!"

Kamio jumped back as Akaya's eyes snapped open again, only now they were a bright, bloodshot red.

"I can't believe you didn't say anything!" Akaya all but shrieked, and then he was throwing open the door and charging into the room.

"Kirihara!" Kamio yelled, trying to get the other boy to come back to his senses, but then had to look away as pieces of glass flew through the air towards him. Apparently Akaya had started throwing things. It sounded as though he was breaking a lot of things, and through the commotion Kamio thought that maybe he could hear chants of 'Die!Die!', but that might have been his imagination. Once when he looked up he thought he saw a koala bear with a monkey tail in Sanada's arms, completely mauling his face with its claws before running out of the room. Sanada ran after it, the commotion died down, and Kamio looked up to see Atobe standing over him.

"Really, what part of 'sit still and be a good boy' don't you understand?"

Atobe pulled him to his feet, and they both looked in to survey the damage that Akaya had caused.

"You do realize that you'll be paying for this," Atobe's father said to Sanada's father, both of them frowning.

Atobe looked at Kamio, then back at his father, then back at Kamio. Atobe really did feel a little sorry for Sanada… after all, he had been a dear friend for a long time, and Atobe didn't want him to have to stop seeing Akaya because of something stupid like a marriage.

"Maybe," he said, eyes on Kamio in a way that made Kamio very, very nervous, "we can renegotiate."

* * *

Sanada ran down the crowded streets, ignoring completely the people that stopped in their tracks to gasp and stare at him. His face stung, and he could feel the sticky wetness on his skin and taste the iron on his lips. He wondered exactly how much his face was bleeding, if he was going to need stitches or not, and whether or not he could have Akaya de-clawed.

"Akaya! Stop!"

"No!" Akaya shouted back, yards ahead of him and plowing through bystanders like they were nothing. "Go away!"

"I thought you were okay with me and Atobe!" Sanada bellowed, realizing he was causing quite a scene and hoping Akaya would run into an emptier street.

"I am! Go back to him! Go be happy with Atobe and be happy never ever seeing me again!"

"Akaya-" Sanada started, but then he was tripping over some one's foot and landing on the floor. He landed palms first on the pavement, and then when he turned himself over there was a crowd formed around him.

"Are you okay, young man?"

"Do you need any help?"

"I'm fine," Sanada said, and though he grunted it out he tried to do so as politely as possible. He was about to start running after Akaya again when he felt a hand around his arm. He turned quickly, about to yell at whoever it was to let go, and found himself face to face with a policeman.

"Young man, I think you should get those injuries taken care of."

An hour later, after the police had put bandages over the cuts on his face (miraculously, no stitches were needed) and determined that he was not some strange gang member, Sanada found himself trudging home. He felt tired and grumpy, and when he stepped over the threshold and into his house the last thing he wanted to hear was his mother calling out, "Genichirou, where were you? Akaya was here a little bit ago, but he left already."

This did not bode well. Akaya's destructive powers when he was angry were a truly impressive thing. Sure enough, once Sanada made his way up the stairs and down the hallway he found himself staring into a mess of broken furniture and trash occupying his once pristine living space. It looked like a very localized hurricane had touched down in the middle of his bedroom. He proceeded to shut the door, preferring not to look at that horrendous match, before making his way back out of the house.

He needed to find Akaya, who he was just a little upset with. Akaya should have known, after all. They were just negotiations, just a starting off point, and Akaya should have known that there was no way Sanada would ultimately agree to give up seeing him.

He went to Yukimura's house first, knocking on the door and hoping that Kentarou wouldn't answer Yukimura's door wearing nothing but a towel like he did last time. Sanada shuddered to think. Luckily, when Kentarou opened the door, he was fully clothed.

"Hey, bro," he said, looking down at Sanada. "What are you doing here?"

"Didn't you just spend three hours with Yukimura at our house? Why did you need to come over here?"

"What can I say? That's what love does to you." Kentarou's grin was huge and idiotic, and it made Sanada cringe. Their faces were near identical, and yet Kentarou was always contorting his into expressions that Sanada would never be seen with, lest he die from complete and utter mortification.

"Is Akaya here?" Sanada asked.

Yukimura appeared behind Kentarou then, his expression turning to mild concern as he took in the bandages on Sanada's face.

"Your injuries won't affect your tennis, will they?"

"No," Sanada replied, and then again, "is Akaya here?"

"I haven't seen him since you two left to see Atobe. I take it the meeting didn't go well?"

Sanada shook his head no before mumbling a curt goodbye and leaving. Akaya had more than likely gone into hiding at one of the tennis club member's houses; if he wasn't at Yukimura's house, he was probably with Yanagi or Marui. After all, Jackal had forbidden Akaya from ever going to his house again, and it was unwise to show up unannounced at Yagyuu or Niou's house. Sanada shuddered, remembering the first and last time he had done so, and the horrific images that would forever be burned into his retinas.

He found himself making his way to Yanagi's place. It was only a ten minute walk away, and soon enough he was knocking on the familiar oak door. It opened after a moment, Yanagi coming into view, inch by inch.

"Genichirou, what a pleasant surprise."

"Is Akaya here?"

"Hmmm…" Yanagi pretended to ponder over the question, a finger to his lips. "He just might be…"

"Renji," Sanada snapped. "Is he here?"

Yanagi chuckled a little at Sanada's impatience. Typical. "I'm under strict orders not to let you in. Akaya doesn't seem to want to speak with you."

"I don't care. I'm coming in to see him."

Sanada moved his arm to push the door in, but Yanagi tightened his grip on it at the same moment.

"Be rational," Yanagi said, his voice with the same placid authority it held whenever he wanted Sanada or Yukimura to do something his way. "Let him calm down. You can talk to him in the morning."

Sanada let a small sigh escape his lips. "Maybe you're right."

"Until then," Yanagi continued, with a growing smile on his face that made Sanada's eyes narrow, "I'll take more than adequate care of him for you."

"Renji," Sanada near-growled, but before he could continue Yanagi had shut the door in his face. "Renji!"

He grabbed the handle in an attempt to jostle the door open, but it wouldn't give way. He kicked it in disgust before making his way to the backyard. Like hell he was leaving Akaya alone with Yanagi right now. But he was pretty sure he knew where he could find Akaya, and sure enough, once he got around the house and was able to peer into their half-open den window, there he was. Stuffing his mouth with Yanagi's mother's cookies and mashing a Playstation 2 controller at the same time.

"Do you want more milk, Akaya?" came Yanagi's voice, most likely from the vicinity of the kitchen.

"Yeah!" Akaya called back, though the word was mumbled with cookie chunks.

Sanada pushed the window all the way open. "Akaya. You're coming back to my house. Now."

That was when Sanada found himself being pelted with cookies. He wasn't sure what happened next, but when Yanagi came into the room a few moments later, Akaya was yelling things and clinging to the sofa, Sanada's arms around his waist as he tried to pull him away.

"Genichirou. Akaya," Yanagi said, effectively freezing the two of them for a moment… before they went back to yelling and screaming and making a mess out of his house. He frowned, but it wasn't until he saw his mother's favorite gold Buddha being pulled off the shelf that he realized he needed to say something. "Both of you, stop it!"

The statement managed to stop them for enough time for Yanagi to pull Buddha out of Akaya's fingers and get their attention. "Akaya, Sanada didn't mean what he said about never seeing you again. Nothing's official until it's on paper, especially in these kinds of negotiations. And Sanada, really, sometimes you can be just as immature and spoiled as Akaya; it's amazing that the two of you can actually function as a couple."

"We're not a couple," Sanada mumbled, but at least the two were splitting apart now. Sanada plopped himself down on the couch as Akaya sank to the floor, both of them sitting awkwardly. Great. Now that he had gotten them to understand the situation, they seemed to have lost the motivation to do anything about it.

"Now get out of my house."

Sanada frowned, but he got up, pulling Akaya along by the back of his shirt. "You heard him. Let's go."

He pushed Akaya forward, looking back as he got to the door. By then Yanagi had made his way into the room to sink into the couch, a tired expression on his face. There was a glimpse, of something, in his expression, and Sanada would have been oblivious to it if he hadn't known Yanagi for years now. He pushed Akaya out into the hallway, turning back to face Yanagi.

"Sorry," he said, and Yanagi looked up, startled, whatever was written on his face before now gone.

"Hmm?"

"For causing you trouble."

Yanagi blinked. "Where did this come from?"

"Just… well, you looked like… like maybe you were a little sad. From having to deal with us all the time." Sanada shook his head. "Nevermind."

Yanagi smiled slightly, amused, and watched as Sanada made his way out of the room.