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Gone Forever	By : Nayru774 Category: +. to F > D. Gray Man Views: 3479 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: I do not own D.Gray-man, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Warnings: Slight Allen/Lenalee, lots of angst on Allen's side.

~Gone Forever~

Chapter 03: Don't know what went wrong

The rest of the day turned out to be quiet. Allen spent a few hours outside, trying to sort his thoughts out and forget about everything that happened till now, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day. Nobody else came to see him − or rather, he wasn't in his room, if anyone was expecting to find him there.

By the time he got back, it was already night-time.

Because of the whole commotion earlier, the Order seemed to have changed a bit, and even though the feeling of familiarity wasn't completely gone, things just weren't the same anymore. The corridors were hollow and quiet, and if one didn't know better, the building could be easily mistaken for an abandoned place. There weren't even any guards anymore, making the Order seem vulnerable like never before.

That's why it was possible for anyone to go wherever they wished at any time like this. Allen could probably leave without actually trying, and by the time anyone noticed, he'd already be gone miles away. Now that Howard Link wasn't on his tail anymore, it would really be a piece of cake.

He wouldn't do that, of course, but did Komui really trust him to such an extent?

The boy sighed when he was back in his own bed again. A good night's sleep was probably what he needed the most right now.

Unfortunately, falling asleep turned out to be a harder task than he originally assumed it'd be.

Allen had no idea what was wrong with him.

He felt unsettled and this weird uneasiness just couldn't let go of him. He was worried about something, but he couldn't tell what it was. His thoughts were in one big chaos; it was really starting to get unnerving.

Mana and the Noah aside − now Kanda was another thing Allen found himself thinking about. Only that he didn't understand what the big deal was. He managed to help his comrade, and that was what mattered the most; end of story. Why the hell was he the one who started to feel guilty because of what happened all of a sudden? It shouldn't matter, and yet...

Maybe Komui's earlier concern wasn't that unreasonable, after all.

The next day, Allen woke up a bit late. Well, at least he was feeling a bit better now, despite the fact he didn't get the amount of sleep he usually did. He figured things would slowly get back on track, they just needed time.

The white-haired Exorcist was up on his feet, getting ready, when a knock came to the door. Wondering who it was, Allen finished buttoning his white shirt and tied the red ribbon around his neck in an attempt to cover the bite-marks that weren't completely gone yet. By the time he was finished, another knock came, louder this time.

"It's open!" The boy finally yelled, inviting the unknown guest inside.

The doors were swung open slowly, and the person behind them came in. "Allen-kun..."

"Ah, Lenalee..." Allen looked at his female friend, automatically bringing himself to smile.

"I didn't see you in the dining hall today." The girl started in a concerned voice, closing the door behind her. "...Or yesterday." She then added, even more worried. "Did something happen?"

"Ah, no..." The white-haired replied almost immediately, trying to keep his cool. After all, nobody beside Komui knew about what happened between him and Kanda the other day, and it was probably better to leave it that way. "I've eaten earlier today." The boy gave Lenalee a reassuring smile, pointing to the half-empty tray that Komui brought him yesterday, which stood beside the bed. It wasn't like Allen wanted to lie to her, but...

"...You're lying." Lenalee spoke after a moment, frowning, but her eyes were filled more with concern than anything else.

The boy tried to look unaffected by the sudden accusation. "No, really. I−"

"Jerry told me you didn't come." The girl cut him off, raising her voice a bit.

The white-haired went silent at that, and slowly his smile disappeared, but he still kept eye-contact with his current guest. It was a matter of seconds before the smile was back on his lips once again. "...I can't keep anything from you, can I?" The boy asked in a half-amused and half-disappointed voice.

"Allen-kun..." Lenalee repeated his name more silently now, starting to approach him.

"I didn't feel like eating, that's all." Allen started, his face expression gentle. "I have my worse days, too, you know. It's nothing serious. I should be back on track in no time." He tried to explain in a reasurring tone. "Please don't worry about me, Lenalee."

His female friend stared at him for a moment, not entirely convinced from what she just heard. 'Allen' and 'didn't feel like eating' just didn't fit together. "...Is it because of the attack?" She asked a bit uncertain. "You mustn't blame yourself. If it weren't for us... If it weren't for you..."

"I know. We did what we could." The boy nodded, closing his eyes and letting out a gentle sigh. Well, it was true that he was still blaming himself to some extent, but that was only to be expected. There would surely be less casualties, if only he'd been stronger... "...Don't worry, Lenalee." He repeated yet again, trying to sound as reassuring as he could manage. "...Everything will be alright."

And his words made Lenalee smile, finally. "You're too nice... Allen-kun..." Suddenly tears started to fill her vision.

Because of that, the white-haired boy's eyes widened for a moment. But then he chuckled. "Don't cry, silly." Bringing his hand to the girl's face, he started to wipe the salty droplets away.

"Allen-kun, I..." Lenalee continued in a shaky voice, not managing to finish, as she pressed her face to the boy's shoulder. And the white-haired let her, not surprised from the gesture this time, contrary to the first time it happened.

Putting his arms around her, the male Exorcist started to stroke her back gently, trying to show that it was okay, that he understood.

Now that Allen thought about it, he wasn't the only one who seemed to be torn after everything that happened. It affected everyone to some extent. He should have guessed that Lenalee was in need of comfort even more than he himself was.

"...Did you hear?" The female Exorcist finally spoke again when she calmed down a bit, pulling her face up from the white cloth, but still staying where she was.

"Hmm?" Allen only made a silent questioning sound.

"Kanda's alright now." It was a happy statement, almost a whisper.

Despite his will, the boy suddenly tensed, and he could swear his heart stopped for a moment, when the word 'Kanda' left Lenalee's lips. Right now Allen was thankful that the girl next to him wasn't able to see the shocked expression on his face.

Stupid, calm down. Lenalee doesn't know...

"Nii-san told me that in the end, his body rejected the Innocence..." She continued, apparently unaware of the sudden panic she's just caused. "But at least he's okay now."

"I-I see." Allen gave his best attempt to sound both surprised and happy. "That's good to hear."

Well, he wondered about this, too, but somehow he forgot to ask Kanda about it when he had the chance. He was silently hoping that his help would enable the other to synchronize with the Innocence in the end, but it went the other way, after all.

"...Allen-kun?" Lenalee suddenly asked after a moment of silence, and the boy tensed again, wondering if her voice really sounded so... terrified as he heard it, or if it was just his imagination.

"...Lenalee?" He asked her name in return, wondering what was wrong all of a sudden.

...Oh God, please tell me she didn't− His heart jumped to his throat again when he realized what the deal could be. The female Exorcist was this close to him − or rather, just inches away from him − so close to his neck. There was always the possibility that he missed something, and that collar of his wasn't very high anyway.

"Is that..." Allen swallowed when the girl continued. "...blood?"

"Huh?" The boy pulled away, looking at her with a puzzled expression, but she wasn't facing his way. When he turned to look at what she was staring at, he sweatdropped. "...Oh, that." He started to laugh stupidly, mentally kicking himself for forgetting to change the blanket after Kanda's small visit. "It was just a small nosebleed, nothing serious..." Well, that wasn't technically a lie...

"See, that's what you get from not eating!" Lenalee turned back to the boy with an annoyed expression on her face. "You've been pushing youself way too hard!" She tried to sound scolding.

Typical Lenalle. One moment she's all unsecure and fragile, and the next she's like this. But Allen didn't mind, he was used to it by now. Truth to be told, he grew fond of the brother-sister kind of relationship they developed. Having someone who was willing to be there for you all the time was a treasure not many people used to have. And it worked both ways in their case.

Even though the white-haired did sometimes wonder whether Lenalee sees him the same way as he sees her, or if there's more to it than just that. It was an unsoken promise, something they never actually talked about.

If it were to come to the point where Lenalee would want more than just friendship...

Actually, he had no idea what he would do.

"Off to the dining hall with you!" Next thing Allen knew, he was being pulled in the direction of the exit, his thoughts forced aside.

All he could do was smile, figuring it was better not to complain right now.

They came across Lavi in the cafeteria, and even if for a short time, Allen got his mind off of things and actually enjoyed himself for once. Although he could pretty much manage without the part where both of his friends wanted to stuff his face with another round of food that he didn't feel like eating anymore.

Lavi only commented that the end of the world was coming, for Allen Walker to suddenly have a limit in food consumption.

The three talked and laughed for a while. It was fun.

Although, somewhere in the back of his mind, the white-haired wondered if they would come across Kanda as well. Oddly enough, he was somewhat relieved that they didn't.

After a few hours, Allen was back in his room, with a fresh blanket in hand. Before he came back, he made a stop at the infirmary and Nurse handed him a new one.

Sighing, the boy fell on top of the bed, thinking what he should do next. Now that he was feeling better, maybe getting back to training would be a good idea?

...As if a reminder that things were starting to go too well, his mind automatically went back to the last time he trained, namely with Kanda.

The white-haired sighed, slightly irritated.

And that was more or less the moment, from where everything started to go plainly wrong.

When Komui rushed into his room without any kind of warning, Allen almost jumped in shock, blinking at the other in confusion. His supervisor was totally out of breath.

"W-What happened?" The young Exorcist brought himself to ask, startled. Unfortunately, he didn't get a reply, as the older man turned to leave the room as soon as he took glimpse of the boy.

"Stay here." Was the only thing that left Komui's lips in a dead-serious voice, before he was gone.

"...Komui-san?" Allen asked unsure, standing up, with the intention of following his supervisor. But then Lenalee rushed into the room even before he could get out.

"Allen-kun!" She was trying to catch her breath as well. "General... Cross, he..." She tried her best to talk between heavy breaths.

Oh please, no... The younger Exorcist looked at her dumbfounded, sudden panic getting the better of him. W-What did my idiot master do this time...?

"He disappeared...!" She continued. "He's nowhere to be found..."

Allen twiched, frowning. Great move, master... Just great. He couldn't believe this. What the hell was Cross thinking? Was he seriously out of his mind? Way to go, this will surely make us seem less suspicious...

"I'm not part of this!" The white-haired Exorcist declared in a desperate voice, trying his best to sound like he meant it. It was obvious that Komui would come back to his room after a few minutes, and now it was just the two of them and Lenalee. "I have no idea what my master was thinking... I'd never..." Allen stuttered, trying to calm down.

Komui stared at the boy in silence, and to Allen's surprise, he didn't look mad. He seemed plainly worried.

"Allen-kun... Nii-san..." Lenalee spoke in a slightly puzzled voice. She didn't understand why her brother was interrogating her friend this much. Well, true, Cross was Allen's master, but didn't the boy say that he didn't know anything about the other's disappearance clearly enough?

It was natural of her to think that way, of course, as the whole thing with Walker being suspected of treason was something only Komui, the science department, his master and the higher-ups were aware of. None of the white-haired boy's friends knew of this fact, and Allen truly hoped that wouldn't change any time soon.

...Because all of this was just one big bullshit, wasn't it?

"Allen-kun." Komui approached the white-haired Exorcist, placing both of his hands on the boy's shoulders, meeting the other's eyes with an intense look. "I trust you." The supervisor's words were spoken in utmost care, leaving an impact on both of his listeners. "And I am on your side, no matter how things might look sometimes. ...It's just that you need to understand." He paused for a moment, as if giving time to prepare for what he was about to say. "Central doesn't think the way I do. There might come a time when I won't be able to do anything anymore."

Silence fell upon the room. Then Allen gave a confident nod, showing that he understood.

"If it were to come to that..." Komui continued. "I want you to get out of here immediately."

Lenalee's eyes widened in disbelief.

The white-haired boy kept staring at his supervisor, as if unafected by the words, but the older man could tell that something changed in the Exorcist's eyes. Allen's gaze fell down to the floor before he finally gave another nod.

And without saying anything else, Komui turned to leave.

"Komui-san." The white-haired called out the man's name before he approached the door. The supervisor stopped in his tracks, turning back to look at the boy one more time. "Thank you."

"Allen-kun..." Lenalee's voice was filled with worry. She didn't understand. Why did her brother say all those things? "What−"

"Lenalee." The boy cut her off, as if not even paying attention that she wanted to ask something. He was facing the other way as he spoke. "I'm sorry, but... Could you leave me alone for a while?"

When evening came, Allen figured that staring at the ceiling was slowly starting to become a habit of his. He was sprawled on top of his bed, thinking all those stupid thoughts again. As if things weren't bad enough before. What else could go wrong?

The Order became his home; a place he could always return to. And now, he didn't even feel like he belonged here anymore...

He hoped that he would finally get a chance to talk with his master, somehow. And now, Cross was even more out of his reach. Just what was that stupid General of his up to?

...Allen seriously had it. He didn't know what to think or do anymore.

He wanted to talk with somebody. He wanted to get his thoughts off of these stupid things. But at the same time he didn't want to drag any of his friends into this mess. He didn't want to make Lenalee worry about him. He didn't want to make Lavi worry about him... He didn't want−

Oh hell, no way... In all honesty, Kanda was the last person he should show his weaknesses to. After...

Every time he thought about their last conversation, he felt something twirl inside of his stomach. It was sickening…

Minutes later, Allen found himself in the bathroom, throwing up. Not because he was feeling disgusted or anything − it was the first time stress managed to get under his skin this much.

When everything was over, he sat on the cold floor, pressing his back against the wall. Then he clenched his hand on his chest, waiting for the pain to subside.

After a moment, the boy calmed down. And then something snapped. He helplessly listened how his pants slowly started to become sobs, and before he knew it, tears were running down his face. He just couldn't stop himself.

Allen couldn't remember when was the last time he cried this hard.

I look like a zombie now... Allen thought to himself when he was brushing his teeth in front of the mirror. He was slightly embarrased with himself from crying like that, but at least he felt a bit better now. ...It wasn't like anyone saw him doing it, anyway.

...

Okay, maybe someone did. He threw a resigned look at his 'friend' in the mirror. The shadow was smiling at him, as always. Yeah, I love you too. Allen seriously felt like killing someone now.

Back in his room, the white-haired sat on the bed, sighing deeply. Then he fell backwards on top of it. The place was so quiet... For a short moment his mind went blank, and he found himself relax.

Before his mind wandered back to Kanda again.

Allen frowned, opening his eyes. Maybe he should go and talk to him, after all? If there was some kind of problem, then he should go and try to solve it, right? Because apparently there was something wrong. Otherwise it wouldn't bother him like this the whole bloody time.

All in all, they didn't get to finish their earlier conversation, so maybe they should? The boy wasn't sure where he wanted to get at with that, but at least they could try and put a few things straight?

Like... Uh...

...Well, just thinking about it wouldn't solve anything, would it?
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Gone Forever