Paradise Lost

A/N: Karaage- this was one of the more harder scenes to write.. Matt’s psychosis getting worse… Translation is at the bottom of the page.

A/N: Demon’s Sinner- I really liked Writing for Near. It was actually really fun.

Ch 3. Right words, Wrong Person (Matt’s story)

Matt heard the slow beep of a heart machine as he slowly opened his eyes and looked around. Near was seated beside him working on a puzzle. He was twirling a lock of hair in his fingers .

"Where the fuck am I?" He croaked, his throat raw and sore. Near turned and smiled at him gently. "You fainted. I brought you to the infirmary."

"WHAT?!" He yelled, terror on his face and in his voice. He tried to sit up but the IV wouldn't let him. He started to spaz and reached down to pull it from his arm.

The nurses had secured Matt to the bed due to his outbursts. Because of this Matt would not be able to pull out the IV. "You need to lay down. You almost died." He started to hyperventilate. He tugged on the restraints then started to thrash and scream bloody murder.

"Matt stop it! Calm down!" He racked his brain for something, anything that could calm him. "Calma síos!"(1) he yelled remember B and Mello had said the same thing to him. Matt looked at him. "Get me out of here please..." He whispered terrified, looking to Near for help.

"I will but if I do you must stay in bed with an IV and eat your meals."

He shook his head. "Out of here, the infirmary itself."

"I know. To do that you will have to stay in bed. I can take you to my room."

He nodded. Anything to get him out of here. Near called a nurse over and gave his orders to have Matt unbound and then brought with him to his room. Matt watched as the nurses hurried to do what he said. Once free, he took the IV out of his arm and sat up, rubbing his wrists. One came over with a wheel chair and Near got up and offered his hand. "Come on. I'll help you."

"I can walk." He said stubbornly as he stood up a bit wobbly.

Near looked at him for a moment. "If you don't do this they will force you back on the bed."

He grumbled and sat down in the wheelchair frowning. The redhead was taken to Near's room and the IV was set up and Matt was told to lay in the bed. Matt sat down on the bed, glaring at the nurses.

"They have to hook you up to the IV."

"Why? I'm fine."

"You are dehydrated and suffering from being malnourished," Near said.

"So I'll eat some fucking food, but they are not using me as their fucking pin cushion!" He growled, glaring at the nurses.

"Matt if you don't let them do this then you will be taken back to the infirmary and strapped down. I want to protect you and help you but I can only do so much."

Matt stared at him for a good solid 3 minutes before grudgingly nodding his consent, holding out his arm. The nurses put in the IV and told Near that she would have Hannah bring in something for him to eat. Matt winced and sat there leaning back against the bed, Near's bed. He stared at the pale boy with a frown as Hannah came in with a tray of food. She bit her lip before sitting the tray down on his lap and leaning down and whispering in his ear. "Listen, honey bun, he owns this place now." She then scrambled out the door not looking at Near.
Near watched her leave and sat down in a chair next to the bed. "I hope you get better soon. I promise I won't leave you behind like Mello did."

Matt frowned even more and shoved the food away, growling. He then turned away from Near as silent tears ran down his face.

"Matt you should eat. You need your strength." He placed his hand over the redhead's hand. "I care about you Matt. More than some people."

"Just leave me alone..." He muttered, his voice cracking.

"Is that what you really want? I could never abandon you like Mello did."

Matt cried out and placed his hands over his ears. "Stop it!"

"Stop what telling you the truth? Matt I care about you and want to help you."

"It's not the truth! It's not.... it's not..." He sobbed.

"If he cared he would have taken you with him. Everyone knows the only reason Mello even kept you around was because he knew you had no desire to be L. He tricked you into becoming third."

"No! No!" He screamed, hitting the tray and all his might. The soup and sandwiches went flying.

"Why would I lie? If he loved you he would have taken you with him. Matt he never liked you. He used your love for him and laughed at you. Every night he would go be with L."

"He was in the library every night! Trying to fucking beat you!!" He spat, shaking his head.

"Ask anyone. He went to L's room. Everyone knew about it."

Matt shook his head. "It was just tea.."

"You saw yourself didn't you? How Mello would flaunt himself around L and beg for it?"

"He didn’t beg for it! SHUT UP!" He screamed, glaring at Near.

"Matt you were number one. Don't pretend to be stupid. You know it's true."

He look like he would have hit him, if it hadn’t been for the cast and IV. Instead he broke down crying. Near sat there and just twirled his hair. "Plus I saw him and L. The blond was all over him and they were kissing like lovers. If Mello loved you he would have taken you with him." He got up and walked to the door. "I have to go work on the Kira case but I'll be back in a few minutes."

Matt sobbed harder. He wanted to get out of this fucking bed! He curled up in a ball, his back to Near and sobbed his heart out. Near was gone for about two hours. He came back with another tray of food for Matt. "I brought you soup and a sandwich. Hannah says you can't have anything else."

Matt had cried himself to sleep. He laid there facing the door, his face soft and vulnerable, and bathed in sorrow and heartbreak. Near put the tray down and sat beside him playing with a robot.
Matt's nose twitched and his slowly opened his eyes. They were bloodshot. He eyed the food and slowly sat up, and grabbed the tray. He took a huge bite out of the sandwich before dunking it in the soup and taking another bite, barely giving himself time to chew before swallowing.

Near glanced at him as he ate but sat in silence. Matt finished the sandwich and looked at Near. "What?" The redhead asked him.

"I didn't say anything."

"Yeah, but I know you want to." He said softly looking into his soup.

"I worry about you..."

"Don’t. I'm fine..." He said with a frown slowly stirring his soup. "No one cares about me enough anyway, so you shouldn't either... I don't need your pity."

"It isn't pity. I care about you very much."

Matt scoffed. "Yeah, and I'm Mary fucking Poppins..."

"You make a lovely man Mrs. Poppins."

Despite himself, Matt laughed. "Good one." He chuckled, eating his soup. "If you cared so much, why have you been avoiding me these last couple of years?"

"Mello wouldn't let me near you. He was afraid I would tell you the truth and he would lose his advantage over you."

He nodded. "He told me to stay away from you..."

"Because he knew I knew his secret. Matt I wanted so badly to tell you but every time I got close he would show up and pull you away."

He nodded again and finished his soup. "Can I go to my room now?"

"You should stay in bed. You haven't been taking care of yourself."

"Look," He said looking up at Near, "I've ate. I'm fine. I want a fucking shower."

"You can use mine."

He glared at him. "I need clothes.”

"I can get them."

"No. I can get my own fucking clothes! I'm not an invalid!" He screamed.

The younger boy shrank back and looked away hurt.

"Just let me out of this bed..." He said his voice cold, but at normal volume now.

He bit his lower lip and looked away. "I just want to make sure you are okay.."

"I'm fine. I keep telling you, I'm fine." He said frowning down at the bed. "I'm sorry..."

He reached out but didn't touch him. "Matt... I know you are hurting..."

"It doesn't matter..." He muttered looking down at his hands.

"It does to me. I... I love you..."

Matt looked up at him and started crying again. Right words, wrong person... "Don't waste your time..."

"I know... It's useless because you never wanted me..."

"I'm so sorry.." He said sobbing.

"Don't cry Matt. I'm not mad and I'm okay that you don't feel the same."

He shook his head. "If you feel even an ounce of what I do, I apologize...."
"I just wanted to let you know." He laid his hand on Matt's knee. "I'll get your cloths while you shower."

"No, I'll go get them. You have must have stuff to do, don't worry yourself about me..." He said as he took the IV from his arm and stood up.

"My only priority is you."

Matt scoffed. "You're L. You have to catch Kira." He said as he walked to the door.

"No one can be L. I am simply going to surpass L."

Matt shook his head. "You know what I mean." He said as he walked out the door and back to his room.

Near sat still and watched the door. Matt needed to understand that Mello wasn't coming back.

Matt opened his door and walked in. He went over to the dresser and grabbed some boxers and a shirt then walked back to Nears room. Near was typing on a computer when Matt came in. He glanced up with a calm smile and got back to work.

Matt looked at him. He didn't need calm, he needed upset, he needed emotion. If Near cared so much for him, he should have been screaming and cursing Mello's name, instead of calmly sitting at that fucking computer and working. He turned and left.

"I ran you a bath. I know you like bubbles so I added it," Near said looking up at him. He bit his lip hoping that Matt would understand the act as a way to make him feel better.

"I wanted a shower." He said with his back turned to Near, half way out of the door.

"You looked like you needed to relax. I was just hoping to make you feel better. I'll go drain the tub so you can shower." He got up and went to the bathroom. He opened the door showing the great care he had taken to fix the bath.

"No. Don't. I'm just being and ass... I'm sorry...." He said as he saw the bathroom. "I'll take a bath." He said walking pass him and sitting his clothes down on the counter and then pulled his shirt up one handed.

Near looked at the other and smiled. "I'll be outside if you need anything." He walked out and shut the door.

Matt pulled his shirt off with some difficulty, along with his pants, before he climbed in the tub. He laid there in the warm water for a couple of long minutes, before wondering if drowning was painful... Would it hurt to drown? He was sorely tempted to try it...

Near knocked on the door. "Hannah brought you dinner. Do you want to eat here or in the kitchen?"

Matt had been submerged now for almost a whole minute. There was no answer to near's question. He opened the door and stepped in. He reached into the tub and pulled Matt up quickly. "Matt? Matt?"

Matt gasped for air, coughing, and glared at Near. "Why did you do that? You jackass!" He said between coughs.

"Because you were under water for I'm guessing more than a minute and could have drowned? Why would you do that?"

"Why not?" He asked laughing. "I got nothing to lose." He chuckled before coughing again.

"Because I love you! I don't want to lose the only person I care for. I can't believe you would do this all because of MELLO!" He said loudly. He bit his lip shaking as he collapsed to his knees on the bathroom floor.

Matt looked down at his hands frowning. "I gave up everything for him, might as well complete the package..." He muttered sourly.

"He doesn't deserve you. He used you and threw you away. Now you are going to let him win completely?"

"Yeah..." He said pathetically. "I don't want to try anymore..."

"But I care about you! At one point, that was enough for you. Why am I not enough?"

He started to cry again. "Cuz I don't deserve it. You should be just screaming at me for being so fucking stupid and I told you so.."

"I can't..."

"Why not?"

"I have Autism I can't express emotion."

Matt stopped and looked up at him. "Oh..." He said starring at the pale boy. "I'm such a jackass.."

"No one knows. Roger and Watari said not to tell anyone because it could be used against me."

Matt nodded. "I'm so sorry, about everything."

Near looked at him with dark eyes. "I don't know why. You had no way of knowing."

He shook his head. "Never mind then." He grabbed his washcloth and tried to wash his back.

"I'll help you." He held out his hand.

He stared at him hesitantly. "I'm not completely comfortable with people touching me..." He slowly held out the cloth a bit terrified.

"I'll make sure I tell you what I do and never touch anywhere but your back."

He nodded and placed the cloth in Near's hand. He lathered it and spoke calmly. "I'm going to wash your shoulder." The redhead nodded and relaxed a bit.

He moved slowly and washed his back for him. Before he moved to wash another part of him Near would say what he was doing. When he finished he pulled away and showed Matt his hands. "All done."

He nodded and looked away. "Thank you." He was like an abused pet, kicked and thrown out in the rain.

"Hannah wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner in the kitchen." He smiled a bit. "Want some help with your hair?"

He nodded and handed him the shampoo. "I don't want to eat in the kitchen."

"Okay. I'll have her bring it up." He poured some into his hand. "I'm going to wash your hair so close your eyes."

He shut his eyes, his shoulders tensing.

"I'm putting my hands in your hair." He moved slowly and gently, never adding pressure and always being careful.

He relaxed visibly and leaned into the touch. Fingers in his hair always calmed him. Near smiled as he worked. "Lean your head back and I'll rinse it." He leaned back and sighed in contentment.

"I'm going to rinse your hair now." He took a cup and poured it over Matt's hair running his fingers through until it was clean. Matt hummed his approval and was slowly drifting off. Near kept running his fingers through his wet hair. "Do you want to go lay down?"

Matt sighed and opened his eyes, looking at him shocked. "Sorry...Reed.. used to do that to me when I was upset..." He muttered as he stood up and looked around for a towel. Near walked over and held out a towel. "I never knew that."

Matt grabbed the towel and quickly dried off. "Cuz, I've never told any one."

"There are a lot of things we don't know about each other."

"Yeah..." He walked over to his cloths and pulled on his boxers and shirt.

Near had his back turned away so Matt could dress in private. "I had scarlet fever when I was three."

"Stop it. Why are you telling me all of this?"

"Because we are friends. I want you to know."

"Don’t. You're L." He said as he walked back into the bedroom.

"No I'm not. There is only one L and he died. I am N."

"Same thing no matter what the letter." He said as he curled up on the floor next to the bed.

He walked over and knelt down. "I love you Matt. I wanted to talk to you."

"Stop saying that.." He said curled tighter into his ball.

"But..." He let his hand hover over Matt's arm. "Why?"

"I already told you.."

"Because of Mello?" he asked with distaste.

He didn’t answer.

"I knew it.."

"Knew what?" He asked quietly.

"You would never be interested in me..."

Matt started crying again. Fuck! Why did this hurt so much? He just wanted someone... the love of his life had never wanted him...

"Please don't cry Matt." Near reached out and started to stroke his hair. "I just want to see you smile again."

Matt slowly stopped and leaned into the touch. "I don't deserve it... your...love.."

"You deserve only the best." Near kept running his fingers through Matt's hair as he smiled. "I'm happy you are here."

Matt sighed and snuggled a bit closer to him, purring almost. "Thank you.."

"Let's get you into bed."

He nodded and stood up and crawled into the bed.


(1) Calm Down! Gaelic