Adult-FanFiction.org : Anime

When darkness speaks	By : Triyune Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > Yaoi - Male/Male > Sanzo/Gojiyo Views: 927 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura and I don't make money out of it.

Chapter List
- 2
- 3
Series: Saiyuki Reload

Title: Scattered echoes

Author: triyune

Pairing: Gojyo/Sanzo

Rating: NC-17

Warnings/Content: angst, spanking, blowjob

Summary: Sanzo is seeking comfort in the embrace of another man, barely having recovered from the abusive past spirit he encountered before.

Scattered echoes

reclaim - resist - resign

__________

“Sanzo!“

Knocking on the door again. It sounded like Hakkai, since it was less passionate. He didn’t wait for a reply but just entered the room; Gojyo and Goku following.

“Oh shit,” I mumbled and pulled the blanket up to my neck.

“Where’s the blood coming from?” he demanded to know, clearly showing me that he was not in the mood for stupid games.

“None of your business!” I hissed while trying to sit up.

“It is!” he shouted back at me, folding his arms, his forehead wrinkling up from anger, “It’s just getting worse with you! There isn’t one night I haven’t feared for you to just kill yourself, whether on purpose or accidentally!”

The reaction Gojyo and Goku were showing was almost the same. Finally, they turned their head in what seemed like shame, looking at the wall left and right from them, respectively.

So it was a group problem.

“I am amazed how well you think of me!”

“Come to face it, Sanzo, you need help!”

I clenched my teeth at that and angrily stared at him. I was getting a good scolding, and I didn’t enjoy that. And much less if it was him who was dealing it in front of the rest of the group.

I wished he had not, but Hakkai took a swift glance at the bottle in front of the bed. Now I realized that Gojyo had taken the other smaller one with him.

“What did you do with that?”

“With what?” I said sulkily.

“The bottle!”

“I shoved it up my ass!!!” I yelled as loudly as I could, sitting up straight now.

“Sanzo!!!”

“Get the fuck out of here, you goddamn idiot!” I shouted at him, gripping the sheets, trembling with anger.

“We’ll never solve that problem if you don’t start talking and admit it,” he snapped at me, fiercely staring at me still.

“That problem? Excuse me, but we will solve which problem? I never asked you to. That is none of your business, absolutely none of your fucking business!”

“You’re the leader,” he said calmly now, “you’re leading this group, you’re responsible for this group. If the leader dies the group will fall as well. I’ve seen many friends die, and I am tired of it. I was offering my help, and I will always offer my help. I may not be an expert as for that topic, but I surely can help you one way or another. And if it’s just healing your physical wounds.”

He sealed his words with a serious, yet mild look, then turned around and took Goku with him. Gojyo watched them leaving until Hakkai closed the door behind them and left us alone again.

Awkward silence.

Gojyo lit a cigarette and sat down on the bed.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t keep him from it.”

It didn’t matter anymore. They had already seen me soiled and destroyed and an apology wouldn’t remove that image from their minds anymore.

“Give me one.”

He shot me a quick glance, took his cigarette and gave it to me, then lit another one for himself. Moments passed in silence until...

“You really-“

“Fuck, yeah!” I shouted at him, annoyed to death at that damn curiosity of his.

“Then I hope the hole in the bottom of it was there before you shoved it up your ass,” he muttered, looking at the corpus delicti.

I rubbed my eyes and sniffed. Maybe it was time to come clean.

“But, considering the blood stains it probably wasn’t.”

He closed his eyes and leaned back, propping himself up on his elbows. His hair fell back as he tilted his head and he looked so different all of a sudden, his face free of any red strands. Every inch visible, and only then I realized what fine facial features he had; fine, but sharp. Extraordinarily beautiful.

“You like things being shoved up your ass?” he said without the faintest hint of a smile, staring at the wall in front of him.

The boldness in his question made me angry again, but on the other hand I appreciated that. No stupid euphemisms.

Now, avoiding the elephant in the room would have been silly and would have showed me as an immature personality; something I didn’t want to display. So I had to bite the bullet.

Thus, no answer was an answer.

I blew smoke rings into the air. They drifted across the bed, passing Gojyo who added some of his own. They crossed each other and the one more solid continued its journey towards the ceiling while the other one dissolved.

“You could’ve perforated your bowels, spilled your shit in your abdomen and died.”

I was calmly smoking my cigarette, having decided to not answer him anymore. Yet, I didn’t feel like condoning that comment.

“Could have.”

“Sanzo...”

He paused, taking another drag from his cigarette first, then biting down on his lip again, exhaling through his nose. His other hand came to lie under his head. He was looking at the ceiling now.

“If you’re looking for pain I can hurt you much more effectively without permanent damage.”

An agreeable pang in my guts made me close my eyes. Warmth spread on my cheeks, but it was not the warmth of embarrassment, nor the warmth of lust.

As I opened my eyes again he was still staring into the air, taking no notice of my action. When I let my eyes slide over his face, being able to savour that sight without having him noticing, I became aware of the sad look in his eyes. I closed my eyes again and wished I had had the courage to tell him about those feelings.

That comment had been one of the kind which didn’t need any response. It was sent into the air of that room for me to perceive and understand. Nothing more.

That was only possible with Gojyo.

“You should go and get some fresh air. It will help the headache.”

“I can’t get up,” I said dryly, moved to tears by his words. As messy that situation was, his words were comforting me, appealing to a part of my soul which so desperately needed gentle touch.

He got up, opened the window and without letting our eyes meet he left the room only to return with coffee, a glass and a jar of water some minutes later. After placing the tray on the floor next to the bed he handed me the glass of water and a cup of coffee. Our eyes finally met and I didn’t find anything troubling in them. Just attentive, interested eyes, a look I had seen in them once before.

When he offered me another cigarette I felt very grateful to him and took it. We were sipping the coffee in silence until there was some knocking on the door again and he got up to answer it. I recognized Hakkai in the doorway, handing a small bag over to Gojyo, then leaving again.

Strolling back to the bed he reached into the bag and threw a packet of cigarettes into my direction. I just let it land on the bed beside me.

“After coffee you go and get a shower. Then you insert that into your rectum.”

A small, green packet landed on my belly. The agreeable warmth from before turned into an embarrassing blush. The only way to avoid more awkwardness was to put the coffee on the bedside table and get up, dirty sheets wound round my hips, to the bathroom. Whatever that was, it gave me a good reason for getting out of his presence and avoid more embarrassment for now. Safe behind the closed door, I examined the content of that packet together with the signature.

I took a deep breath and let the sheets slip from my hips.

He had brought me an anal tampon. For the pain in my ass.

Suddenly, I felt like a young girl being taken care of by her mother, coming running to her with blood on her thighs and mother explaining to her how to use those funny fluffy things.

I stepped into the shower and turned on the water. The moment I stepped under the hot jet I could empty my mind and fully enjoy the warmth. I was a little unsteady on my feet and some moves hurt, but all in all I was on the way of feeling okay again.

Before drying my body I squatted down yet to shove another thing up my ass. Despite swallowing half of that goddamned Metaxa bottle the day before my anus refused to take it in one go and I screamed out a curse, this entire thing annoying me to no ends. In a fit of exasperation I violently shoved it in, which sent me over the edge. Groaning with pain I pressed my hand against my ass, cursing the universe for the shit it entrusted me with. It was such a strange feeling that I clenched my ass, breathing hard to get rid of the nausea.

“You alright?” I heard his voice through the door.

It was the last thing on earth I needed right now. Gojyo in the bathroom.

“Yeah,” I shouted back in a husky voice.

When the pain started fading I got out of the shower tub and wrapped myself up in the bathrobe hanging on a hook on the door.

By way of change I wasn’t hard this midmorning so I just knotted the ends of the belt together and stepped out of the bathroom, straight heading for the bed.

Gojyo looked up from his coffee to check on my status. With a scowl I assured him of having been successful in placing the thing where it belonged to his and the pharmacist’s mind.

I sat down on the bed and took the cup to continue with my cold coffee.

We sat there, smoking one cigarette after the other until I decided to lie down. If we wanted to depart tomorrow I had to be well rested. Before I could snuggle up to the pillow Gojyo turned his head.

“I got you a different room with clean sheets. Come on.”

He got up and went to the door, waiting for me there. I didn’t care about any dirty sheets but he left me no choice but to follow his command.

And really, when I lay down there, the scent of the washing agent all around me, I immediately felt a little better. I had always underestimated such things.

The fact that Gojyo had proposed changing rooms showed me that he knew very well about that...and that made him lovable. In some sort. Of way.

_____________

The next day we left according to schedule. The atmosphere was less heated, although the air was, as usual.

The landscape gradually changed from that still dead land to a greener savannah and even some spots of bushland. I still felt absolutely whacked and I was glad we could pass that land driving.

It even seemed like the land was also too hostile for the Youkai. Dry earth as far as the eye can see.

We were camping outside the next few days, which wasn’t very conducive for my recovery. I was pining for a bed to rest my aching back on, but a thin layer of dried, stinking tree moss was as close to a mattress as I could get outside.

On the fourth day we were approaching a town again and contrary to the much longed-for bed my mood darkened. Currently, I could not stand those four walls, the sticky air inside, the bed...all those inns looked the same. A bed, a table, a cupboard maybe, some other minor furniture and a bathroom. People weren’t especially wealthy in these areas of the country and they couldn’t spend much on lavish architecture or furnishing.

The likeness of those inns had been comforting, giving me a familiar feeling, almost a feeling like being at home.

Now, after what had happened in one of those rooms, equivalent to having happened in all these rooms, my feelings had changed as for that familiarity. Every room was the room where I had got visited, every room was the room where I had got abused.

I didn’t talk much that day and the others respected that, leaving me alone as much as they could in a jeep.

When we reached the town we stopped by the first pub with a ‘free vacancies’ sign. Straight after entering the inn I sat down by a table, sighing.

“Rooms?” I heard Hakkai asking into my direction.

“I need a drink first.”

I hoped he would get it and sit down as well.

“Okay.”

Hakkai and Goku left for their rooms, not without giving me a worried look, both of them. I began to think that Hakkai’s presence wasn’t good for the boy; he was developing the same damn all-time worried look as Hakkai.

Gojyo sat down with two glasses of whiskey. He stretched out his legs under the table and slid down on his chair which gave him a quite debonair look.

“You should have brought the bottle along.”

“Sanzo, what’s biting you?”

I looked at him defiantly, taking a sip from the whiskey. I needed something to distract myself from the pain, the memories, the doubts which were haunting me today again.

Yet, I wasn’t sure whether I could demand that of him. He had explicitly made that offer, but I had qualms about really taking up on it.

And anyway.

Why Gojyo? Why men at all?

By now I was of the opinion that my gay mind was the result of my past life, something psychosomatic. I had always been surrounded by men, from the day I got fished from the river up to right now. I had never been introduced to the world of women at all, and what I had got to see of them on this journey could not change my mind at all. Their behaviour just put me off; painted faces and high heels weren’t something I found a turn-on at all and I couldn’t understand how men could fall for these unconfident clowns.

Yet, I was seeing Gojyo every day, there wasn’t anything else I could have coveted than one of those guys. And Goku still was a child I had rather fatherly feelings for. Then, my subconscious was aware of Hakkai being straight, at least to the point of his wife’s death. I couldn’t imagine him being into men at all. He was a total softie and I set him aside for women.

Contrary to Gojyo, who seemed to be debauched enough to fancy men too. Besides, he showed some considerable experience when it came to typically male-to-male sex problems.

I was suspicious, but I didn’t want to dig deeper right now. Someday, but not these days.

All of a sudden he ducked his head and forced me to look up by gently pushing against my chin with his thumb. I was violently pulled away from my daydreams and looking straight into his asking eyes. For a moment I held still, then I whipped my head around with an angry snort to get rid of his hand. He just wouldn’t give up and keep digging.

As much as I appreciated his worry, it was annoying me. I would have needed some quiet time to make up my mind. Yet, I had been the one to invite him to sit down with me. Constantly on the horns of a dilemma, it was so typical by now.

Hold me – leave me.

Hold me – leave me.

“Hurt me,” I whispered, fixing my eyes on his. Heat flooded my cheeks and I clenched my teeth, vigilant about any move of his, any reaction, the faintest change in his features, to know what he thought about that.

He kept staring at me for a minute, calmly but serious. Then he leaned back again and looked down on his glass.

In my nervousness I began to fail to hide I lit a cigarette and only then I realized that my hand was shaking so I let it rest on the table. He looked up at me again; his expression hadn’t changed at all, but I could see that he was reflecting on it. It gave me an awkward feeling, having him scrutinizing my soul, or thoughts or purposes or whatever, it just seemed like he tried to understand too hard.

“Come,” he finally said and got up, leaving for the bar.

“You got rooms on the first floor too?” he asked the innkeeper, who answered in the affirmative.

“End of the hallway too?”

“How many rooms?”

“One.”

He took the key and passed me to climb the stairs. I was left dumbfounded, not really understanding what was happening right now.

What had I done? What the hell had I-

“Come on,” he called, waiting for me at the stairway.

His words put me in a flurry. We were going to share a room - a room for the night when I had just asked him to do things to me. The thrill of excitement made me feel light-headed but I had to comply and follow. So we climbed the stairs finally and went to the end of the corridor to our room.

He entered first, then closed the door behind me and locket it. That was the point of no return. I would have had to ask him for the key to escape now. Just everything served to intensify my arousal by now, mental as well as physical one.

“Undress to your pants”

Hesitantly, I went over to the table where I put down the scripture and breastplate. From the corner of my eye I saw him taking off his top and tying his hair back; something which sent pleasure thrills through my guts, a reliable indicator for my sexual arousal. Tension was in the air and the pleasure I drew from that mix of anticipation and fear made me breathe hard already.

Gojyo licked his lips and let his gaze slide across the room, searching for something. Apparently, having found what he was looking for he lit a cigarette and strolled towards the table to sit down there just when I had managed to unknot the sash. I neatly folded my robes and sat down, lighting a cigarette as well.

He had been watching me and still was intently staring at me. I was curious about the further process and stared back at him, trying to tease the words out of him which I knew he wanted to get rid of first. He was as keyed up as I was, just not showing it as I was.

“You tell me to stop when it’s enough,” he said in a low voice.

“It doesn’t work that way. You have to realize yourself when it’s enough.”

He gave me an icy stare while processing those words for their meaning.

I knew exactly what I was demanding of him.

Unlimited responsibility.

My pain was going to be up to his discretion. It would be him judging whether enough blood had been spilt or not. I took a drag from my cigarette. The smoke came from my mouth in puffs; I was too jittery.

My body was going to be the surface on which we would act out our feelings. I would fully give myself up to him and if I didn’t manage on my own he would compel me to submit.

In a moment I would know whether he was ready to accept it or not.

“You really mean it, don’t you?”

He had tested me before. I smirked at that cognition.

“Then get rid of your top.”

He got up and took the sash. I just had put the top on the chair when he roughly gripped my upper arm and turned me around to face him.

His look had changed.

He was holding both my hands in his left, winding the sash around the wrists, paying no attention to my damaged hand at all. Reluctantly, I tried to back away but he fastened his grip on my wrists and looked up at me.

Stern, commanding eyes.

It was a different kind of beauty he was radiating now. A menacing one.

I was rudely pushed towards the bed then and with a wink he commanded me to climb it. He stepped on it too, then lifted my hands and fastened the ends of the sash to the bar above the bed. It seemed like the canopy had long been removed.

My arms were stretched, not to the maximum but almost, there wasn’t much free play at all.

He took a step back and began fiddling with his belt until he had pulled it out of the loops.

“Turn around,” he ordered.

I could hear the excitement in his voice although he tried to stifle it.

I turned around and closed my eyes, my heart racing at the thought of what was to come.

“I won’t be showing you where it will hit,” he said brusquely.

I was too agitated than to nod or say anything.

“You understand?!” he shouted at my back and I finally nodded briefly, panting hard now.

As the first lash hit me across my back I tensed up and held my breath, screwing up my face at that wicked sensation. Shortly after that, the second one hit me on my hip and I pulled on the sash at the intense explosion of searing pain. He didn’t hold back, I could feel it. Everything else would have been an offence to me. He whipped me like I was a stranger, snapping the whip full-on.

The sound the whiplashes made was delicate and I was sure it would turn him on as much as it was teasing me. Both of us were breathing hard now.

The third stroke took my breath away and I gasped, fearing I was suffering from a heart attack. Yet, he gave me enough time to find back to a more or less constant breathing rhythm before he let the whip fall on me full force again.

There was a sizzling taste in my mouth like it was getting numb and I had difficulties breathing again. I was shaking and would have wished for something more solid than the mattress I was standing on since I felt weak in my legs.

After another lash which left me gasping and moaning in pain he wound his arm round my belly and pressed his torso against my back. I could feel his erection stabbing me. His breath came as fitfully as mine, hitting my ear...hot and moist...his body was covered in sweat, yet warm against mine, the salt burning in the bleeding cuts.

With his other hand he pinched my nipple, then stroked it. It was hard already.

“Good?” he asked with a shaky voice, full of lust.

I swallowed some air and arched into his bruising touch on my chest, releasing stifled moans of pain and pleasure.

What was the difference between these two? I could not tell right now.

He rubbed his hard-on against my tailbone, and, being so unlucky as to straight hit my pleasure spots, he made me jerk forward in blind ecstasy. The adrenaline rush from the lashes together with that sensation made me lose the last bit of control and I rocked my hips back into his erection, throwing my head back and tilting it to the side to bare my neck.

He accepted the invitation and began greedily sucking my skin, bruising it with his teeth, then softly licking the sore spots until he moved on, down a bit, to kiss and torture the next few inches.

Why did that feel so good. Just why. Why with him.

When he touched my boner I gasped and writhed and he stopped ripping my skin and looked up to get to know what that was about. I looked at him big-eyed, confused, hot for him but also scared.

With half closed eyes he poked my cheek with his nose, caressing my skin with his hot breath again, removing his hand from my crotch and making me relax a bit.

“It’s okay,” he calmingly whispered in my ear, “Nothing you don’t want to do.”

I didn’t know whether I wanted to do that. I really didn’t.

His stiff left my tailbone and in return he let his fingers slide over my spine, starting between my arms, applying gentle pressure and moving down, passing all those areas where I was much too sensitive, arching forth every time he touched one of those spots. He seemed to delight on teasing me as well since I could still hear him panting.

“More?” he asked, tracing along a cut left from the whiplashes and I shuddered, begging for more.

“More,” I whispered, closing my eyes and waiting for the final downfall.

And it came. Stroke after stroke, screams renting the sticky air, howls of pain filling that darkness in my head and heart...

Lash after lash, tearing my skin apart, blood mingling with sweat and tears, sending me deeper and deeper into the pits of darkest passion.

My body was a trembling, bleeding mess when he stopped finally, leaning against my back, so out of breath that he couldn’t say a word. I could barely keep myself up on my legs anymore and even less could I keep the two of us up. My body gave way and he faltered, but he found his balance again and hugged me round my chest, panting into my ear.

My face was wet from sweat and tears, I hadn’t been able to choke them back. Just then he lifted a hand and wiped them away while giving me a gentle kiss on my neck.

We remained in that position for another minute until he had recovered some of his strength and got off me, reached for the knot and untied me.

I slackly fell down on my knees, unable to flex any muscle anymore. Breathing heavily still, I massaged my hands back to life. As I felt the mattress moving I turned my head. He had left the bed, heading for the table with small steps to get our cigarettes. As I was fishing one out of the packet the bulge in his pants caught my eyes. Just like I had imagined it to be. Debauched enough to hold a candle to me.

His body, covered in sweat, framed by those goddamned leather pants gave me the weirdest sensations. Darting secret looks towards him I lit my cigarette. He must have been just as hard as I was. Somehow, I couldn’t take my eyes off that bulge so pleasingly visible since he was sitting there cross-legged. Yet, what was the problem with touching it? I didn’t know. Fascinated, I kept staring at it until he noticed finally and moved, bending his leg and resting his elbow on his knee.

Caught in the very act of sucking him off with my eyes I looked up, puzzled and shamefaced. He just gave me a faint dark smile and took a drag from his cigarette.

“Better now?” he said in a deep voice, reaching down to his groin to adjust his balls. And probably more than just his balls.

He was teasing the hell out of me with that simple, yet pregnant with meaning move.

I gave him a glare and touched my own parts to shift them around. It was getting too tight.

His smirk grew; wider or darker I could not tell.

The move reminded me of my sore back and I gave a muffled groan of pain. Gojyo snorted with amusement and lay down on the bed. Actually, I couldn’t think of anything better than hanging around on the bed in the afterglow of that delicious mindfuck either.

I lay down on my side as well, carefully avoiding any unnecessary touching the sheets.

And he couldn’t resist; his fingers were lightly brushing over my back, tracing a slalom pattern between the cuts.

I knew now why he had insisted on a room on the upper level, far away from the other two. His hand felt good on my skin. Despite being out all day and rough fights his skin was smooth, his touch gentle. His fingers wandered up to my neck where he played with my hair.

I put my hand on my dick, considering taking appropriate measures since I was not in the mood for lying down aching. And what had happened before was not enough.

Not enough.

I wanted to nip those feelings in the bud.

My heart sank to my boots as I turned around, trying to make it look as sexy as possible. Due to the constant fighting on the road my body perception and control was phenomenal; and I thought I knew how to move and stretch to push his buttons. At least, I did what would have turned me on too.

Gojyo looked up at me, his hand still hanging in the air. It was my turn to play rough now. He sat up without me needing to say a word. Stretched to breaking point, he attentively watched me to not commit a mistake which would have sent me back into self-doubts. His eyes were nervously searching for a clue, but I didn’t give him any except my lust-drunk eyes.

I quickly unbuttoned his pants and greedily pulled them down to his knees. He let it happen without complaint, speechless.

As I saw his hard dick bobbing up and down for a moment I forced myself to stay where I was, blind with horror. Yet...as I cast a quick glance at Gojyo’s face the panic faded; looking into his bright, seductive eyes distracted me from the memories of that night weeks ago. Somehow, I enjoyed the panic those memories caused me to feel and somehow I just wanted to run away.

Gojyo must have noticed my indetermination since he gripped his dick and pressed it down on his thigh, moving it out of my sight.

“You don’t need to...” he whispered, with his eyes indicating to me that I really didn’t have to.

“It’s not about that,” I mumbled, took his hand off his dick.

It was everything but bite-sized; in fact even longer than mine, but I was not daunted by that. As I moved closer I could smell it too, similar to that bastard’s, yet there was a great difference as for associations. It smelt like a sweet, sweaty and overripe mango, turning me on even more, considering the man attached to it. His balls were snuggling up to his dick, almost looking tasty. Only then I realized that there wasn’t one single hair on them. He was shaving his nuts, regularly, as it seemed. The thought of it gave me a pleasure pang.

Finally, I resolutely gripped his dick and engulfed him down to my fingers, drawing an unfamiliar sound from him. He leaned back against the footboard, eyes closed, throwing his head against the wood in bliss.

Slowly, I let it slip from my mouth only to let it disappear between my lips again.

“Haaaah”

I liked that sound, and I liked it when he hissed in pleasure. Tightly winding my fingers round his dick I fully took it in, feeling it hitting my velum which made me gag. But I didn’t care. I wanted to get my share.

Bobbing up and down fervently now I drew a constant stream of love moans and gasps from him until I stopped and let my lips rest on his glans. He looked up at me, eyes so full of lust that I felt my own dick twitching at that sight again, his mouth half open, cheeks rosy from the sex flush.

I let my tongue swirl around his tip while moving my lips up and down the slick flesh, teasing him to an extent which left him desperate.

“Sanzo,” he breathed, “Don’t...I haven’t had a wank for a decade andaaah”

Either him or me...and currently I was on top as for control. While he was speaking I kept teasing him, now also gently stroking his perineum which surprisingly made him arch into my touch all the more.

“And...and I’m not in control of it anymore, I can’t...aah...Sanzo I’m gonna come if you keep doing that...yeah that...”

It tasted salty, but it wasn’t enough to fill my mouth. Just a whiff of salt...

I let it slip from my mouth completely, left it naked and begging in the warm air, then passionately took him in again and sucked him off for good.

He was moaning in the rhythm of my head bobbing up and down for about half a minute until his entire body tensed up and he shot his load in my mouth, gripping my hair and pulling on it so that it almost slid from my mouth again. A long-drawn-out groan accompanied his orgasm and I didn’t want to spoil that sensation for him so I swallowed the cum.

Bad idea.

As he was still in the throes of pleasure I sat up and brought my hand to my mouth, retching.

Sweet and salty.

It was rather the consistence of it which caused me to bend over the edge of the bed and throw up the little amount I had managed to gulp down before.

When I sat back down on my heels again Gojyo was still breathing heavily, his half-closed eyes set on me.

“Sanzo...?”

“I’m okay,” I managed to get out before forced to suppress the urge to gag again.

The salty taste reminded me of that night though. It was different, but still the same in some respect. I rubbed my eyes at realizing that I had just re-traumatized myself; repeating the very act of it in all details.

A weary sigh escaped me and I sat down properly, crossing my legs, reaching for the packet of cigarettes.

Despite being fully aware of what had happened to me that night weeks ago I had manoeuvred myself into that painful situation again. Deliberately. Or less deliberately than unknowingly.

I ran my hand through my hair and tried to repress those boiling emotions while playing with the cigarette between my fingers.

Gojyo was different from that bastard. He only hurt me when I wanted him to... But all that reasoning suddenly seemed ridiculous. The taste in my mouth made me feel disgusted with him and myself.

Nothing had changed.

Just when I moved to get up Gojyo took me in his arms, gently pressing my head against his. I froze, overwhelmed with fear and comfort. I clenched my fist, silently debating on whether to leave or give in, yet I was careful enough to not touch his skin with the gleaming cigarette.

His hands were resting on my back and head, caressing my sore, naked skin while he was whispering things into my ear I didn’t understand. It was a different language.

It was then that I understood that the situation had been the same, yet the person I had chosen to submit myself to was different.

I had been in control of the situation. Besides, he had put me in the position to choose: to turn around and leave or to continue.

I had not had a choice the last time.

Gojyo wasn’t posing a threat to me and I had to remind myself of that over and over again until I could put my fingers on his skin too. Concentrating on his comforting touch I could even relax a bit.

I felt vulnerable. One wrong word and I would have run to the bathroom to get the razor blade to drown some of those problems in deep red. But he knew how to handle me in that fit of existence-threatening doubts. He was simply stroking them away.

Eventually, I moved though and he let go of me. A quick glance at my eyes assured him that I had calmed down to some extent.

He got up and left the room without a word, giving me some more time to sort out my thoughts.

Until he returned I had lit another cigarette, trying to get rid of that taste.

He sat down and told me to turn around to show him my back.

“It’s going to sting a little, but don’t worry.”

I turned my head. Curiosity killed the cat.

He uncapped a small glass bottle and poured some liquid on his hands, spread it on them, then gently rubbed it into my wounds.

The searing pain drew a gasp from me and I bent forward, clenching the sheets. Why did people always use that doggone phrase when it felt like getting branded with a hot iron bar in fact.

A strong scent was in the air, distracting me from the pain a little, and I asked what that was.

“Tea tree oil.”

“Do you want to kill me?!” I yelled, energetically turning around to look at him aghast.

Gojyo lifted a brow.

“Sanzo...I won’t explain that to you, but trust me, it helps. Now turn around.”

The calmness in his voice was contagious so I turned around again, sulking at that rebuke.

After all he was right.

“When you cut yourself, doesn’t it hurt too?”

That came unexpectedly. It seemed like he wasn’t afraid to talk about such things at all. His straightforwardness made me reply in kind. I slightly turned my head to talk more into his direction.

“It’s different. It doesn’t hurt. Only when taking care of it it starts hurting. Now are you quite finished?” I asked in annoyance, the stinging pain definitely not being one of my favourite one.

“Actually I am.”

I could feel his grin on my back so I lay down, sprawling my legs all over the bed.

“So, this is yours?” he asked in amusement.

“Yeah.”

He got up and went to the bathroom to clean his hands from the oil, then he sat down on the other bed. I was lying on my belly, my head resting on my arms, facing him.

Thinking of hurting myself had evoked negative feelings again; I wished he had not started with that. As I was watching him getting comfy on his bed too, how he was moving his body, I closed my eyes, feeling those familiar feelings of disgust again. I wondered whether they’d ever leave me. I knew where that was leading to; in a moment I’d not be able to stand his presence anymore and I’d feel the need to leave and be alone.

Maybe I could change that since I was aware of it now. I was tired of it and in fact, his presence had calmed me some moments ago. Maybe it was less a matter of his presence but rather a mental overreaction on my side. It was not him threatening my integrity but I. For the time being I decided to distract myself from those thoughts which would have spiralled downwards into sheer despair if I had kept entertaining them now.

“What did you say before coming?”

Gojyo turned to face me. He looked like I had jolted him out of some pleasant daydreams.

“What d’you mean?”

“Something along the lines of not having had sex for a decade...?”

He dropped his gaze and nervously pulled on the blanket.

“Liar.”

That made him look up again.

“It was no lie,” he said with a laugh, “Besides, I said I haven’t had a wank for a decade.”

I looked at him in disbelief.

What was I doing there? Talking about sex? With a man?

Well, somehow it didn’t matter since he didn’t find anything weird about that either. But how came?

“You’re a fag?”

I gave him a piercing look and attentively watched him stereotypically scratching his neck, then fishing for a cigarette.

“I don’t know what I am,” he mumbled in a low voice so that I barely understood, “I guess I am just as fucked up as you are.”

I would have taken it as an offence if it had not been true. Watching the smoke flow from his mouth calmed me. A steady stream of liquid smoke...running down his body...

He was as much a faggot as I was one. A victim of circumstances.

We had to cling to each other.

“When we started that journey I tried women,” he went on, exhaling the smoke through his nose, “But after a while they all started to resemble my mother. Either it was their eyes, their nose, their lips, their nails or their character. All I saw then was my mother. And I’ll rather get my ass ripped than fuck my mother.”

He gave a short one-sided smile and stared at the end of the bed.

A victim of circumstances.

I lit a cigarette as well to distract myself from that surprisingly teasing sight of him simply smoking a cigarette.

“Get your ass ripped?” I echoed, planning on a revenge at the tease I wasn’t sure he was doing on purpose or not. I wasn’t sure at all whether he could deliberately tease me by smoking. Could he?

He looked at me and I could almost feel the electricity on my skin, giving me goose-bumps.

Just a fucking victim of circumstances.

Right at that moment I decided to never let go of those eyes again.

Smirking , he took another drag from his cigarette.

“You think I’ll always be doing the work, or what?”

I rolled my eyes and turned my head away only to provokingly look back at him.

“Not a fag but a pansy,” I said derogatively and puffed hard on my cigarette.

His smirk didn’t fade.

“Well, for someone looking as effeminate and acting as bitchy as you do you talk pretty big, huh?”

I reached out and threw the gleaming cigarette on his bed, actually aiming for the wall but due to limited dexterity of my right hand hitting his hair. It fell down on his shoulder and he cried out in shock, sitting up and wiping it off. Panting heavily, he examined the spot where it had met his skin, yet I could not see whether it had left any damage or not.

Just when I turned on my side to get ready for sleep he cursed and threw some abusive words into my direction before he turned silent too. I heard him shifting on the bed, then the lights went out without any further comment.

I was laughing up my sleeve in the dark, recalling his shocked face until I couldn’t hold back the laughter anymore.

“Damn you, fucking monk”

It was silent then, but not for long. He was up for another fight.

“And what d’you call a man sucking off a pansy then?”

I smirked into the dark.

“A cocksucker.”

_________
- 2
- 3
You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
Report Story

When darkness speaks